Dan's Conundrum - 4. Chapter 4

For the first time in years I wasn’t spending my break time in the library – not that I had a choice. I must find David, and before Chris could say a word about me. I would be there to foil his plans. God, I hate this guy. My knuckles turned white at his name. But in my heart of hearts, it was more fear than anger that I was feeling. The fear of what he could do. The fear of the unknown.

I went outside. The school yard was of harsh concrete covered in chewing gum patches of various sizes and shapes, and of different stages of blackening – they reminded me of bacterial colonies. Well, a little bit anyway. Beyond the green field to the left there were distant small hills where dandelions brushed a faint wash of yellow on their lush surfaces, shimmering under the sun. But in spite of this – the sunshine, the mild temperature and fresh air – it did not improve my mood.

No sign of Chris anywhere, which was both a blessing and a curse. Right now in a dark corner where I couldn’t see, he could be telling a dozen people about what he knew. Or what he thought he knew. If these people confront me later I’d deny it outright. Or make a counter-accusation. He was the gay guy, not me. Though in truth most people should have guessed that already.

In that instant I caught David sitting on a bench overlooking the field, reading something in his hands, an essay perhaps. A big essay. From afar it looked to be at least twenty pages long and stapled in the corner. I watched him from a distance, admired how he frowned slightly for a few seconds at a time and how his lips pursed in concentration. It was just so cute. I decided to head over.

‘What are you reading?’ I asked.

He looked up at me, surprised. ‘It’s just a story I got off the internet.’

‘What’s it about?’ I sat next to him. My hunches still said he’d stand up and ask me to sit elsewhere.

‘It’s about this American boy…’ He waited for a second. ‘Well, he talks about his life in the UK. It sucked, basically.’

‘Oh right. Anything interesting?’

‘Some English teachers marked him down for writing “familiarised” with a z instead of an s. He spent three paragraphs ranting about it.’

‘Ah yes, the American spellings.’

‘Well, it’s how we work over here, right?’

‘Yeah,’ I replied nonchalantly. ‘He should just get used to it.’

‘Hey, listen,’ he said, shoving the story inside his bag. ‘Have you seen Chris around?’

I eyed him cautiously. ‘No?’

‘He’s going to tell me something at lunch, so…’

I froze. I found myself glaring at him.

‘Wow, is that your death glare?’ He grinned, like it was a joke. It wasn’t funny.

‘Probably.’

‘Why? What’s he done?’

I paused to think. It wasn’t so much what he did, but what he was about to do. ‘I don’t like him,’ I said simply.

He giggled. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘He’s kind of weird, you know what I mean?’

‘Weird?’ He stared at me in a funny way. His eyes seemed to say, Weird? Says you?

‘Like…you know, different.’

He didn’t get that either. He gave me a confused look. I sighed, resorting to making the limp hand gesture.

‘Oh!’ David widened his eyes, seeming to get my meaning at last. ‘He’s alright, I guess. I mean, I don’t mind them and stuff.’

Them. Of all words, he used them. Not us, or any other term that would give me some kind of hope. Them implied practically a different race. He wasn’t one of them – he wasn’t gay. It was funny, how one word could be so devastating. But I didn’t want to believe it. It was just a word – a word could have lots of meanings.

‘Why? Do you have a problem with them?’ he asked, suddenly serious.

‘No… ’course not.’

‘Well, obviously you have, so,’ he said, ‘what is it?’

My, wasn’t he the psychologist now? Why would he want to know?

‘I don’t feel comfortable.’

‘Around him?’

I nodded. He regarded coolly his new, homophobic friend.

‘Well, I think he’s alright. He’s not that scary. You don’t need to feel threatened by him or anything. I’ll pull him off you if he does try something though.’ He grinned, teasing me like I was a baby. Like I was the one who needed rescuing.

I protested, ‘No, I’ll be pulling him off you.’

‘Nah, I can handle myself,’ he claimed. How little he knew.

‘So can I.’

‘Says you. There’s still all the dirt on your hair from P.E. this morning. You can’t even get me off you. I wasn’t even trying.’

Well, I didn’t actually want to get you off me in the first place, I thought. It was on the tip of my tongue but I swallowed them. Useless to argue with him. He could believe whatever he wanted.

We talked on for a minute while we waited for Chris, both with very different reasons. I was only here in case he decided to badmouth me behind my back. Should he accuse me of something I’d be here to defend my name. God forbid. David mustn’t know about me, at least not until I told him which should be when I decide to tell him, not some camp guy with a fringe.

Oh God, he’s coming this way.

Chris raised an eyebrow when he saw me. ‘Hey guys.’ He smiled at us. Only David returned his smile. I was glaring at him, warning him. Drop the issue and just go. Please. He averted my gaze and asked David,

‘What are you guys up to?’

‘Nothing much. You?’

They started talking about, of all things, a video game they both played. I didn’t understand a word. I found myself zoned out of the conversation, excluded. I got the gist of it. David was stuck on one level and wanted some advice from an expert. Then they started talking about some mods or cheats or another – all alien-speak to me. I only wish I could hold David’s attention the same way the topic of a video game could. I never was allowed console games and so I have little knowledge of them. It was tragic. Right now, I need to think about something other than David or I’d lose my sanity and bad things would surely happen.

So, what to think about? I made myself stare at the group of boys playing football instead. They weren’t very good – in fact, they sucked and none of them nearly as cute as David – my, thinking about David again. God, I need to steal him back from Chris…

‘…It’s very obvious when he’s thinking. You can just tell when he –’

Alarmed and aware that their eyes were on me, I said, shaking my head, ‘Sorry guys. I…zoned out for a moment.’

‘Got something on your mind?’ Chris asked smiling, pretending to be innocent. He knew very well what was on my mind.

‘Or someone?’ David added playfully.

My heart skipped a beat. What did they say to each other just a minute before? Why did he have to say that? He was laughing at me with his eyes. It was unbearable. He wouldn’t have said it if he knew what he was doing to me with that naughty grin of his. Now that grin would never leave my mind.

‘Bless him, he’s all red and embarrassed,’ Chris chuckled.

Wait, I was red too?

‘I was thinking what’s after break,’ I lied.

‘Hey.’ David called out as Jenna walked up to us. Oh shit. This was when Chris could strike with maximum impact. If he hadn’t done so already, he could out me to two people at once. He wouldn’t, would he?

‘Hey guys,’ she said, looking at each of us in turn before returning her eyes to David.

‘Hello,’ David replied, smiling.

‘Not to be rude or anything, but can I steal David from you guys? I’ve got something to show him,’ Jenna said to us. Then she promised, ‘I’ll give him back.’

‘You don’t need to ask, Jenna,’ David told her. ‘It’s not like I’m their slave or something.’

‘Well, you are. Sort of.’ Chris grinned, licking his lips, causing Jenna to giggle.

‘Huh?’ David frowned. A second later he got it, whatever it was. David poked his tongue at him. In response Chris imitated a whipping motion with one hand plus sound effects. Jenna laughed and David shook his head, giving Chris the finger.

‘Right then, I’ll be back in a bit,’ David said to us, jumping to his feet.

Then they were off. Now I was left alone with him. I needed an excuse to run away immediately. But my legs wouldn’t move. What should I do? I waited, hoping he’d start a conversation or explain his rudeness this morning. He said nothing. Instead, he was happier watching the back of Jenna as she led David away, then behind the Art block where they vanished out of sight.

After a while he still wouldn’t speak. There was the uncomfortable silence again and I felt forced to say something. Maybe that was his intention all along. This was my confession, not his. He only had to wait.

I gave in.

‘I don’t know how you found out, but, I, er, will appreciate it if you don’t tell anyone,’ I said, still facing the front.

He turned to me, raising an eyebrow. ‘Why would I?’

‘It’s better if you pretend you don’t know.’

‘What have you to hide?’ he asked, smiling. He was probing my defences, pushing buttons. He was trying to get back at me for this morning.

‘Look, I’m really sorry about what I said earlier,’ I told him. ‘I didn’t mean to out you. The words just came out.’

‘Don’t worry. Nobody cares really,’ he said, looking around. I wasn’t convinced though. ‘A few people might, but it’s not nearly as bad as some of us might think.’

I allowed myself a moment to absorb this new information. Was there a hint of experience or wisdom behind his words? He had been out there before me after all. It was only logical that he knew more than me. In fact, Chris seemed to know a lot about the subject. If I had any questions I should ask them now.

‘Why am I gay?’ I asked.

‘Why are people straight?’ he retorted.

‘Because it’s normal.’

‘Define “normal”?’

‘Normal means like most people. With girls.’

‘Normal is a point of view,’ he argued. ‘Most people have dark eyes. Does that make blue eyes abnormal?’

I grunted and shook my head.

‘People simply have different emotional – and sexual – needs,’ he continued. ‘Can’t you accept that?’

‘Not if it means…’ Whatever I was going to say, I swallowed it down my throat. I closed my eyes.

‘What’s wrong with being gay?’ he challenged me.

‘Being gay sucks,’ I told him. It was true because the statistics were not favourable. The odds of finding a partner were low. At least, lower than our counterparts.

He frowned and thought for a moment as though he’d missed a word. ‘Being gay sucks cock, yes. Sometimes it involves that.’

I eyed him with contempt. At my red-eyed display, he yielded, holding his hands up.

‘Fine, being gay sucks sometimes.’

‘I wish I could do something about it.’

‘Look Dan, you’re not the only one, but what can you do? Pull out your insides? Sit on an electric chair? Take a straight pill? Why do you even want to be straight?’

‘Well…’

It was because other people wanted me to be. Because other people felt I needed to fit into their image of society. Not because I liked girls. Maybe that was his point.

‘Whatever, it doesn’t matter. Whatever floats your boat,’ he said to me. ‘You either like someone or you don’t. You don’t need to give a reason for everything. That’s just stupid.’

I paused again, struck with the desire to ask the one question that had been on my mind all morning.

‘How did you know about me?’

He pulled a face, pointing to his head. ‘Duh. That’s what gaydars are for.’

‘I know, but what gave me away?’

‘Well, I can’t just tell, really,’ he explained. ‘It just clicked today in the changing room. You never had a girlfriend, or at least never seen with one. You were peeking at other guys, trying to be discreet, but not subtle enough for someone who was looking for it.’

‘You were looking for it.’

‘Yeah. After you outed me, I thought I’d find out what you’ve got against me,’ he said, smiling. ‘Then I caught you checking out some guy.’

‘Ah…’ So that was my undoing. Don’t worry, Chris, there won’t be a next time.

Ignoring me, he went on, ‘Oh well, glad I caught you. Having an awesome gaydar makes life a lot easier. You’ll make friends more easily, know who to talk to and who has potential…’

I was interested. Who wouldn’t want the power to detect others like you at will? ‘Is it accurate?’

‘Mine is,’ he told me proudly. ‘I’ve only been wrong…once.’

That didn’t matter. ‘So can you tell me if David is…?’

‘If David is what?’ he inquired. How stupid can he be sometimes.

‘You know, um, gay.’

He regarded me for a while, before saying, ‘I doubt it.’

I didn’t believe it. I couldn’t. It was difficult to believe something you didn’t want to be true. In fact, it wasn’t true. There was a connection between us – it felt real. At least to me.

‘Why do you want to know? You like him, huh?’

I nodded.

‘Like him as in like him like him and not like his dick like him?’

A scowl, followed by a nod.

‘Bad news for you, my friend. Straight as an arrow.’

Oh really? You weren’t there when he gave me those looks. You weren’t there when he held my eyes like I meant something to him. You just wanted me to take my eyes off him so you could have him all to yourself, you jealous little…

‘But you can be wrong right? You said you have been wrong before.’

He looked as though I’d just stabbed him. ‘Yeah… But I’m not picking up anything. I can see why you like him though. He’s okay.’

Okay? He’s drop-dead gorgeous! You’re just saying that.

‘Look, if you want some advice then listen to this. If you go after him he’ll hurt you, bad. Trust me on this. What do we ever get, lusting after straight guys? Sure, some of them are hot, gorgeous sex machines, but what can you possibly get from them? They can give you a shag, and they will use you for their own ends. They can’t love you. Don’t get emotionally involved with them. It’s not worth it.’

‘Or what?’ I heard myself asking.

He smiled sadly. ‘Or you will never get over it for the rest of your life.’

As he finished, the bell went and there was still no sight of my David. Where did he go? What did she do to him? We went back inside pretty much in silence. I felt a sour, sinking sensation in my chest when I thought of David and the things Chris had said. Straight guy? No way. But why was my body already reacting to something that simply wasn’t true?

It couldn’t be true.

Could it?

* * * * *

‘Hey, what’s your number?’ David asked me.

‘Umm…w-what?’

He asked again, ‘You know…phone number?’

Before I could question him the numbers came tumbling out of my mouth. Like this information had been hacked or something. He turned to his phone, frowning. It took him just two seconds to put eleven digits into his phone. His thumb moved so fast it was incredible – he was an expert with phones.

‘Cool,’ he mumbled.

That seemed to be all. Then, when I had time to think the questions came in dozens. How the heck did he manage to coax those numbers out of me? I never gave them to anyone. They were private and for years I guarded them with zeal. He made it seem so easy. Maybe it was the way he said it, like he wasn’t expecting a rejection, like there was no alternative for me other than to comply. God, his smile was irresistible. He had this way of making short work of my defences, making me tell him things I wouldn’t normally say. But seriously, why would he want my number? He didn’t give me his, so I assumed he wanted my number either because it brought him great joy to collect phone numbers or that he actually wanted to ring me. But why would he want to ring me anyway? The questions danced in my mind like witches around a campfire. It felt somewhat silly, after such a trivial encounter that probably meant nothing to him at all.

We were chilling out on the field at lunchtime. There were light breezes and the sun was still hanging over the sky. Chris was nowhere to be seen so it was just David and I sitting on the grass side by side as we watched the year 13s play football on the pitch.

‘You doing anything this Saturday?’ He turned to me.

‘Er…no? I don’t think so.’

He nodded, looked away and then faced the front again, keeping the thoughts to himself. Then he turned back to me and whispered, ‘She likes you, you know.’ He glanced over at a group of girls standing behind the goal post before smiling at me.

‘Who?’

‘The short one with a pony-tail. Sarah, I think she’s called.’

I eyed him suspiciously. This was disconcerting. Horror filled my face. ‘She does?’

‘You mean, you didn’t notice?’

‘Notice what exactly?’

‘Body language,’ he giggled.

I shook my head.

‘She was looking this way a minute ago,’ he told me. ‘Stealing glimpses, no doubt.’

‘How do you know she likes me? She might be looking at you.’

‘Well, my sources tell me things.’ He grinned, then faltering a little. ‘Besides, she’s not my type anyway.’

‘Oh? What’s your type?’ I couldn’t help but notice the hope and excitement in my own voice. My heart pumped in anticipation. Did I sound too eager?

To my surprise he just giggled, blushed and looked away, leaving me wondering and confused. Damn you David. Never giving me an answer, always leaving a dangling thread of hope.

‘Hey guys,’ Chris said, walking up to us.

‘Chrissy!’ I beamed at him.

‘You seem very eager to see me today,’ Chris remarked, initially taken aback. Then he smiled and sat next to me.

‘Yeah, I’ve…thought more about what you told me.’

‘And?’ He gave me a questioning look.

‘I want to thank you.’

‘No problem,’ he shrugged. ‘It’s cool.’

‘What did he tell you?’ David asked, looking intrigued. He touched my arm slightly and that tingled, but I wasn’t falling for that.

‘None of your business,’ I shot back, before I knew what the words even meant.

‘Oh, fine then!’ He looked away, arms crossed, sulking.

Now I feel bad. Not only had I hurt him but I’d slapped someone in the face when they were genuinely interested in me. Not the message I intended to send. Feeling I’d screwed up big time, I shrank like a balloon with its air escaping fast, unsure whether to remain silent or apologise. Or put on my toddler face, tuck at his sleeve and say I am really sorry. I love him really.

A figure was approaching fast in the corner of my eye. I turned in alarm but before I could utter a word, Jenna wrapped her arms around David’s neck from behind. Much to David’s surprise he turned and found her smiling at him.

‘Hello,’ she whispered. There was something in her tone I did not like. What was it? I couldn’t quite tell. But whatever it was I didn’t like the way she assumed physical contact. Like she owned him or invited herself to touching him. Feeling protective, I now watched her every movement as though she was about to assassinate my sweetie pie.

‘Hey.’ David grinned at her. He leaned backwards, planting a kiss on her cheek.

Wait a minute – that didn’t happen. It couldn’t have. But my body had already responded. My chest constricted. I was unable to breathe, seized by the horror of the scene. I wanted to leave. In that moment I felt something inside me die. I should have seen this coming. I should have known better than say, thinking he might be the special one. So foolish. There was nothing to be gained by being around straight guys.

‘Is…is that your girlfriend?’ I heard myself asking, half wanting him to say ‘no’.

‘She has a name, Dan.’ He winked. So it was a yes. In truth I did not much care if she had a name. Any name would have been the same.

‘Hey Dan,’ she greeted.

‘Hi.’

‘Hello!’ she said to Chris. They hugged. I couldn’t watch this anymore. The three of them were just so…happy. I felt sick. I felt my insides rotting and falling apart like dried clay. How could the happiness around me so transform itself into a wall trapping me in the middle, festering with grief? It was so familiar it hurt.

Now he was holding her hand as they walked across the field and into their happily-ever-afters. He was smiling at something she said. She was so lucky to be loved by David. What has she got that I haven’t? I have a good head (at least I’d like to think so), I can have just as good a heart and I think I can make him happy. I can perform every job, every command as well as she. So what does he see in her? Granted, I don’t have certain body parts but that’s my physical shell. Maybe it was because I couldn’t give him what he wanted physically. The physical, the sex, was what set us apart.

It wouldn’t matter if I could love him as well as she could, or give him everything a girl could give aside from physical acts or babies. Maybe to him, sex came first. They could play shallow games and make love all day. It wouldn’t have mattered if I could love him for a hundred years. Of course, only I would believe I could match her in every way when the rest of the world looked on and shook their heads with derision.

I felt an arm around me, pulling me closer. I turned to find Chris there watching me, his face expressionless. He must have caught me staring into distance and traced my eyes to the couple strolling on the far side. He must have read something on my face.

‘It’s okay,’ Chris whispered, squeezing me slightly.

My heart was still breaking. I couldn’t make the pain go away. It wouldn’t stop hurting. But I mustn’t cry, not now. If I weren’t gay, how could it have hurt so much? What else could it be but my obvious attraction for him and the jealousy when he was taken from me? What stronger evidence would I need to prove that hypothesis once and for all? But it seemed I no longer cared if I was gay or not – the answer to that was no longer important, or rather, mattered less. I wanted him. There was the feeling that I could never be happy again. It felt like a betrayal, though in truth David never said he liked me in that way. He didn’t owe me anything. The connection, the signals, cryptic languages were all my imaginations. I was the one over-interpreting, seeing a friendly gesture as something more. Too stupid.

I closed my eyes and sighed as though some of the bitter thoughts could be expelled. Chris too was silent but he was staring at the ground, still there holding me. You got to pull yourself together, Dan, be strong, he seemed to say. His eyes were empathetic as though knowing exactly what I was going through. He knew right from the beginning that there was no point chasing a straight guy. Only now did I understand the wisdom of those words.

It was quite possible, I found, to hate straight guys. Hate them all indiscriminately on the grounds that all they are, are let-downs. It was that simple. It was over. But at least I didn’t have to keep guessing and hanging onto his every word, his every turn of phrase. Reality must be accepted. I had to be brave and move on.

I had to?

I mustn’t be the only one. If everyone else in this world who had ever allowed themselves to feel and love can move on, forget, and turn it off, maybe I can too.