Dan's Conundrum - 7. Chapter 7

One week had passed. Life was well enough but all of them seemed to have forgotten I was gay and still in desperate need of a boyfriend. Wasn’t that the whole point of coming out, so they would find me some guy? I felt cheated, led on by false promises of happiness and came out to my friends for no reason – then again they weren’t paid, so I suppose I gave them no incentive anyway. Now it was up to me to make things happen.

On that following day I asked Chris a question that I later found universal, a question that had no definitive answer and had, for the best part of the century, plagued the minds of others like me. I was hardly to know that then – that I too would embark on the same quest as others to find an answer to this illusive question. It was not answerable by science or concrete facts; it was beyond them – a conundrum.

‘How do you find a boyfriend?’ I remembered asking, stupidly. ‘I mean, not the kind that’s after sex. But the proper ones, the ones that make you feel loved.’

He widened his eyes in surprise. ‘Proper ones? Why would you need those?’

‘Because I am kind of depressed and I need someone to make me happy.’

‘Alright then, let’s see… I can think of a few things: pop into a gay bar, ask around, get a referral from friends, be in the right place at the right time, post a shameless ad on a newspaper or join a dating site,’ he told me. ‘Or, you can just chill and let him find you. He’ll come when the time is right.’

Let him find me? What sort of superstition was that? He meant I should sit around and do nothing. Where had that ever gotten anybody? What evidence did he…? Well, perhaps this wasn’t strictly scientific. But waiting, watching my life falling into place like snowflakes into snowmen was a horrible concept. Horrible, because it implied that boyfriends, like very few things in this world, could never be earned.

I remarked, ‘So there’s nothing you can do? That’s a bit hard, isn’t it?’

‘Hard? Nobody ever said finding a proper boyfriend was easy,’ he replied, his eyes thoughtful. ‘You’re talking about one percent of the population here, maybe even less. A lot of them, like you, are in hiding. Or at least only out to a few. If the selected few don’t tell you they’re as good as invisible.’

‘But they’d show up on the radar eventually, right?’

‘That’s not the point,’ he said. ‘What matters now is that we have hell of a time trying to find a proper boyfriend, without some help.’

But surely Chris, the wise guru of everything gay related, knew an easy way round? I refused to believe otherwise. He’d been in there and done everything.

‘What would you do then, if you want a boyfriend?’

‘I won’t do anything. I’m not in a hurry,’ he explained. ‘Like I said, these things come to you when you’re not looking for it. They just work out.’

Fat lot of help that was. I shook my head.

‘They don’t for me.’

‘Then go out there, get drunk, and meet the guys,’ he suggested, cocking his head, smiling like a devil.

I stared at him blankly. ‘I don’t drink.’

‘Everybody drinks, Dan.’

When I cleared my mind and gave this some thought, most of the options he gave me would no doubt end in disaster. The chances of me going to a gay bar were that I would not be allowed in, and even if I were, I wouldn’t have the guts to speak to anybody. I would be reading, somewhere in the bar that couldn’t be seen. A whole evening wasted. What if my parents read the advert I’d written in a newspaper, or a family friend, or someone from their church? I’d easily make a fool of myself, asking around in college for boyfriends. Being in the right place at the right time was figurative, too abstract an idea more suited to fiction than in reality. And referrals, or PR, I couldn’t really control.

So, only one option remained. The safest, and easiest way of all was to meet people behind a computer screen, in the comfort of my own room, and the door locked. A hundred and one socially awkward situations could be avoided. There would be no cause for embarrassment. At least pretend. What was there to be embarrassed about? Everyone else was looking for a boyfriend, right?

Nothing could have prepared me for the horror that was to come. Well, it was partly my fault really, ignoring the 18+ requirement like any typical teenager, and signing up for something that was not appropriate for my mindset. I suppose, when one was desperate enough, lying about the date of birth was the least one would do. On the other hand, I could have waited another year and a half, only to be confronted by the same things again.

The website was dark and sinister enough. Contrasting the dull black, there was an abundance of bright images featuring the male genitalia. Why so many? One, was all I needed to appreciate the design and the role evolution must have played. On top of that, there were flashes of hairy bottoms, anuses, cocks, naked men, men in their dirty boxers, chests, six packs, feet, strong arms, more cocks, more anuses, more hair, more everything. It was a biology lesson – except it made me more ill than I had ever been.

It felt somewhat unlikely that my future boyfriend was one of thousands here with these faceless photographs, but anything was possible. What if he was out here? Could I tolerate a boyfriend who posted naked pictures of himself on the internet? These harsh, disconnected images of anatomy in the end drove away all interest and left nothing to be desired. The naked pictures seemed to say to me, This is what you are, this is what you desire, and this is what you’re going to get. You can’t avoid the fact that you’re gay.

But I can. It was all too easy to slip back inside my shell, and distance myself from the screen. Maybe I should go to bed and forget about it all. I wanted to throw up, somewhere, anywhere. But somehow I decided I needed this trip, that it would change my life forever if I stuck around long enough. The only possible way to carry on was to see, but not watch. I wasn’t going to be drawn in. I am gay; I might as well confront the fact that I like men, but… Still, not all men here have pictures. Like me, some decided not to put up anything at all. I thought that maybe amongst these pictureless individuals, some guys too, like me, were scrolling down the page, watching the rest in ridicule.

The most efficient way to explore was to judge a book by its cover. Anyone who showed any undesirable body parts in their profile (and thus I assumed they believed it was their best feature, if they were not trying to arouse me which they had collectively failed) was in effect a sex maniac and I wasted no time scrolling down the page. The thought that kept me sane during that hour was that not all guys were on this site, or on any dating site. There had to be more. And, as I worked through a hundred pictures of dicks, bums, abs, and biceps, I began to find in myself strangely, immunity from it all. The initial revulsion was now manageable when I told myself they were simply body parts to be dissected soon by medical staff. When I was done with profiles, I went through random posts, sex ads in the forum and embedded YouTube videos in blogs with thumbnails so disturbing that I did not want to watch. Another hour passed by like minutes. I was no closer in my search.

Maybe I ought to introduce myself in the chat room and meet some real gay people. Or at least, their online persona. Once again confirming I was 18+, I entered.

The chat room was almost full. Messages were typed and posted at frightening speed and, as there were five conversations going on simultaneously and not knowing a soul, I decided it was hopeless to try to follow them. I caught fragments of different topics though. Apparently some guy got hit in the face for kissing another guy in a pub and was now in A&E. Another was discussing the conspiracy (or rather, the tendency) that blond guys get more attention – I could have explained natural selection to him, but I was too tired for that now.

A minute later, someone called Wanker_4_lif3 ‘whispered’ to me on one side, away from the main chat.

Wanker_4_lif3: m8, wanna watch me shoot my load

He was enthusiastic. I very much less so.

MiniDan: What?

Okay, I didn’t know why I called myself that – I thought it was a cute name.

Wanker_4_lif3: turn on ur cam and i’ll be 5 mins. jus waitin for more ppl

He assumed ‘What’ as a ‘yes’, but I couldn’t think straight and make a coherent response.

MiniDan: But…why?

Wanker_4_lif3: becuz I get horny wen theres ppl watchin

Once, I read an article by a woman, apparently an expert in human psychology, who claimed that men had only two emotions: horny and hungry. Maybe there was some truth to that after all.

MiniDan: I think I’d a little rather not.

Wanker_4_lif3: y

Why was he even surprised? Are we really on the same planet?

MiniDan: I don’t particularly want to.

Wanker_4_lif3: u dont hve 2 turn ur cam on u only hve 2 watch me… u dont even need 2 show ur face

MiniDan: I insist. I am a happily married man.

And, as I typed that and pressed Enter, my lips curled a little at the thought.

MiniDan: You should find someone else.

No complaints from him then. It did not occur to him to question why a happily married man would be on this site. He had better things to do. He left me in peace. Good riddance, because I was really getting to like the idea of marrying David. That was when Bilad24 messaged me.

Bilad24: hi u

MiniDan: Hi.

Bilad24: i read ur profile…

That was a good start, I thought. Returning the favour, I read his and discovered he was twenty-four, bisexual, and apparently very good looking. He didn’t say much in his profile, only that he was called Shawn, a down to earth guy and looking for a boyfriend (no one over thirty).

Bilad24: how r u

MiniDan: Quite good. Yourself?

Bilad24: good u sound interesting

MiniDan: Thank you, you too.

Bilad24: u r new here, aren’t u

MiniDan: Yes. Just signed up today

Bilad24: so, what r u again? korean?

MiniDan: Chinese… Have you not read my profile?

Bilad24: yea, but I forgot

I remained silent. Forgot? Great way to make an impression. Forgetting, I mean.

Bilad24: so how many guys have u fucked

I paused.

What?

MiniDan: Er…none?

Well, that was quick. The pace of this conversation frightened me. I wasn’t comfortable or happy but I thought giving an answer was the only way to carry on. Was that really more important than getting to know the person I was, my sexual experience? I was swallowing and staring blankly at the screen.

Bilad24: u r a virgin then.

The statement, the full stop, suggested it was something bad. Really bad. In defence I shot back,

MiniDan: What about you then?

As soon as I asked I regretted it.

Bilad24: i did it with my best mate. I blew a couple of guys on here. In total, I fucked maybe about ten guys and a girl.

‘Okay…’ I rolled my eyes, looking at the screen, still wondering stupidly whether this was the man I would eventually marry. Should I congratulate him on his sexual conquest? Just to be amiable. But I couldn’t. All I seemed to see vividly in my mind was a trail of dead bodies he had left behind.

Perhaps, aside from the sex, he’s capable of romance?

MiniDan: How many boyfriends have you had?

Bilad24: nine. u can be my next one if u like. ur cute.

I took note of his grammatical error, but I said nothing.

MiniDan: Well, I never thought white guys would be interested in Asians.

Bilad24: my last bf was chinese

I was suddenly curious.

MiniDan: Oh? What’s he like?

Bilad24: he was nice. we were fucking on the train when the conductor went past. haha that was so funny. he just ignored us and hurried away.

MiniDan: I see.

Bilad24: ah, I want u so bad.

No he didn’t. He didn’t even know me. The probability was that he wanted me to replace his ex or something. Like a little toy for him to fuck. Maybe this time on the London Eye.

Bilad24: im going to lick ur balls, play with ur hard nipples, and then suck ur cute little cock. u will lie face down on the pillow and ill part ur legs. i will tease u by rubbing ur back. i will lick ur hole then ill slide my cock into u. i’m gonna start slow, then get faster, and then im gonna destroy ur arse.

Pause.

MiniDan: How very pleasant, thank you for the thought.

What malign intentions were in his mind! What wicked plans had he in store for me! I rolled my eyes, unable to believe what I was seeing. I was being raped by a wall of texts, right in front of my eyes.

Bilad24: what is ur dick size

He asked, as if the answer to which would complete his fantasy. Suddenly I was back on full alert like I was cut by something sharp. What was I doing here in this place? I felt the familiar wall starting to rebuild around me, brick by brick. It was necessary to protect myself from further harm. But I still wanted to believe he was the guy I came looking for.

MiniDan: Is that important to you?

I asked, hoping he would say no.

Bilad24: yes what is ur dick size?

MiniDan: Excuse me?

He waited.

Bilad24: r u gonna tell me or not

MiniDan: No. I’m not going to tell you.

Pause.

Bilad24: fine then fuck u. i hate posh guys anyway.

MiniDan: And your so much better yourself.

Bilad24: u fucking arrogant ugly twat

Thank you, that was all I needed to know.

MiniDan: Indeed I am. Have a good evening.

No sooner had I typed the message he logged off and I placed him on my ignore list after an instant’s hesitation. Or better, I closed the browser, telling myself never to return to this horrible place. I was annoyed, but mostly at myself, at my own stupidity. Maybe I wasn’t a proper gay guy, you know? Maybe that was the problem. I didn’t find those pictures appealing, drawing me in, like the others did. I came away that night confused and – I hated to admit it – scared too. It was a world of rampant and casual sex, with no involvement of love or emotion or commitment. What would I know? There are all kinds of people in this world – what my dad said. But it was shocking because there was so much I didn’t know, and when contented in my own ignorance I thought I already knew enough.

Then I was depressed for a while, because it was probable that I would never understand that world and I would never have a boyfriend unless I too become one of them. We stood on different sides and someone had to take that step forward – I couldn’t see the others taking that step towards me.

Maybe Chris was right after all. There was only one real option – to wait. Hopefully The One would come. If we were destined to be together then one day, even in the furthest corner of the world we’d stumble across each other in the right place and time, saying just the right things to make the other smile. Then there would be a happily ever after.

It was the only other thing I could bear to believe, and that might not even be true. But first, I had a score to settle with Chris, the very least for misleading me into a world of utter chaos and an evening conversing with some truly disturbed individuals. For that he must pay.

If there was one thing that seemed certain that night, it was this: what every guy in this world wanted, above anything else, was sex. Nothing more, nothing less.

* * * * *

Striking at break time was as good as any. I found Chris alone under a tree behind the tennis courts, waiting for no one in particular – my signal to come in. Where was David? Maybe with Jenna. I hated, but couldn’t help to conjure the two of them in my mind, cuddling and snogging in a quiet room somewhere quite impossible to find. His arms would be around her shoulder, drawing her face to him, and her hand, meanwhile, would be down there feeling for his – where did she put her hand? Okay, I didn’t really care where she put her hand. Laying her hand on any part of him was unacceptable…

‘Hey Dan.’ Chris waved.

I told Chris of my adventure, my little excursion into the world of naked men just the night before. He listened until I finished. To my annoyance he simply lifted a hand, chuckled and shook his head.

I protested, ‘It was disgusting.’

‘It’s not.’

‘But this guy is clearly out of his mind.’

‘I…don’t think so,’ he said, smiling. ‘Destroying your arse is just another way of saying he likes you.’

‘If he likes me, he would – for God’s sake – hold my hand. He could do a lot of other things. But to destroy someone’s arse is a deliberate, malicious and downright monstrous act.’

He wasn’t really convinced. He frowned. ‘Which site was it?’

I told him, snorting. I hated mentioning even the name of it.

He winked at me. ‘You didn’t see my profile?’

I stared back. ‘No? Should I? Umm…Would I?’

He sighed, as though explaining something stupid to a child. ‘Just accept it. He likes you.’

I groaned. ‘He doesn’t have to like me in that way.’

‘Dan, are you even gay?’

Now I wasn’t sure at all. I wasn’t like those men on the site. I wasn’t like Chris, who had no problem with them whatsoever. ‘Maybe… But I still don’t want my arse destroyed.’

‘Are you asexual?’

I thought for a moment. I scowled at him. ‘No… Are you calling me a single-celled organism?’

He tried again. ‘Non-sexual, then?’

‘Possibly.’

‘Dan, what’s your problem?’ Chris asked, a little agitated now. ‘If a guy likes you then just go for it.’

‘I don’t feel comfortable. With this whole sex thing, I mean.’

‘Why? I have sucked a few guys and I’ve gone all the way. What’s uncomfortable?’

‘Pffft!’

Coming from nowhere a strong pair of arms wrapped themselves around me, squeezing me tight against a warm presence just inches behind. Seized by terror, I found myself unable to turn and my heart pounded. Trapped within his arms and his intoxicating scent, I was growing more confused and disconcerted every second as he failed to let me go. Was that his breath on the back of my neck? Was he resting his chin on my shoulder now, clinging onto me like dear life, like there was no one in this world who mattered more? He squeezed me again and for a moment I thought I would pass out. All these wretched years of the past melted, washed away by the very thought of his smile, which even though I couldn’t see, I was certain it was there.

When he finally let me go, I resisted the impulse to turn, grab his face with both hands and kiss him on the lips. I didn’t want the moment to end and when he left me, I slipped slowly back into the real world, insecure again, not knowing why it had happened. Chris was completely amused. I turned. David was grinning at me.

‘What was that for?’

He too looked amused. ‘Thought you’d like it.’

Then none of it was real. As he shrugged I saw the truth behind his gorgeous eyes. I couldn’t help feeling cheated, that it was a cruel joke and for a moment I even believed it and felt something. So stupid. Reality once again slapped me in the face. He had a girlfriend after all. What was I thinking?

‘Don’t you like hugs?’ he asked, concerned by the silence. No, I only like hugs that meant something. He seemed a little saddened. If I said no, he’d never hug me again…

‘They’re okay…’ I gave him a half-smile. ‘You scared me, that’s all.’

‘You should have seen his face!’ Chris grinned, pointing at me. ‘He was totally relishing it!’

‘Haha. Very funny,’ I said. I wanted to strangle him right there and then. David however, seemed unaffected by it. Oh well, he might have said. In a few minutes he would have forgotten about the whole thing when that moment and the sensations of being held would torment me for weeks to come. To him, it would have been just another random hug that he knew would mean more for his friend than himself.

‘So, what’s up?’ David asked, looking between us. I wanted to ask where Jenna was but figured I didn’t care.

‘Dan’s having trouble with this whole gay thing.’ Chris rolled his eyes.

David turned to me. ‘What’s wrong?’

There we go again. I told David of the unpleasant man on the internet, how he who barely knew me was mouth-raping me within minutes, that he threatened my personal safety and he was scheming behind his computer screen, wanting to destroy my arse. That he was a dangerous man filled with dangerous thoughts. David listened impassionedly and for a while he looked thoughtful. When I finished, he took a second to compose himself. He smiled before giving his verdict. There was something in his expression I did not like.

‘Is he fit?’ David asked, grinning.

‘That’s irrelevant…’

‘Of course it’s relevant,’ Chris objected. ‘That is so relevant. What’s the problem?’

‘Okay, maybe I’m just scared because I’ve never done it before.’ I looked away. Chris would accept any reason I give at this stage.

‘Does it…hurt?’ David asked Chris.

‘Just go slow and put lots of lube or something.’

‘Actually, I don’t want to hear that,’ I said, holding up my hands. ‘You two carry on. I’m putting my fingers in my ears.’

‘Dan, it’s time you know about these things.’ Chris winked at me. ‘Guys have sex! And with each other!’

‘Wouldn’t it be weird if…’ David mused. ‘God, I think even I know more about gay sex than you!’

‘You wanna bet?’ I retorted, staring him down.

He gave this some serious thought. ‘Yeah, I’ll bet on it.’

‘Well…I won’t,’ I told him. ‘Betting is stupid anyway. Look, can we change subject?’

‘No,’ David said, shaking his head. ‘How can you not like sex?’

‘Do you even jack off, Dan?’ Chris asked.

‘Nope. Don’t want to either.’

‘What you need, Dan,’ Chris told me, ‘is a good wank. That’ll get you going.’

‘Oh yeah!’ David put his hands behind his head, and made a sigh of contention, or fulfillment. Oh my God. What do guys do with their hands? Every one of them? And I had been touching their hands all this time?

But I managed to collect myself. ‘Just because your genes programmed you to have happy feelings after climax…’ I explained to them. ‘It’s a reward. To genes, climax means reproduction. They simply hadn’t anticipated that humans could masturbate. You’re just tricking your genes – I mean, what a waste of time!’

‘Dan, look…’ Chris shook his head incredulously.

‘It just feels good!’ David insisted.

I mumbled, ‘Obviously, I’m hanging out with sex maniacs.’

‘We’re guys. What do you expect?’ Chris shot back.

‘But what has sex got to do with anything?’ I asked, regarding the two of them. ‘Isn’t there more to being gay than that?’

‘It doesn’t have to be more than that,’ Chris said.

‘Okay. What about, say, for example, making love? Isn’t it more?’

‘Making love doesn’t exist. That’s the kind of stuff you get in stories,’ Chris told me, exasperated. ‘A fuck is a fuck. Nothing more, nothing less. Story writers just want to fill the pages – stories are a load of crap anyway.’

A valid point. I see it now. It kind of made sense in a way. In a sick way. How can love be made, by the process of relentless penetration? A silly concept, surely. I remembered one time when I repeatedly drove a pen into a pen lid, with force – I mean, what was the attraction in that? Why do people even do it? At most, making love was an emotional truth in literature, but certainly not a scientific one. At worst, making love was a euphemism for something primitive, horrible and just plain disgusting.

I turned to David, poking him in the forearm. ‘Umm…have you done it before?’

He smirked. ‘I’m not answering that.’

Damn! How else was I meant to find out if he and Jenna had been doing it?

‘Dan, it’s no use asking around for people’s experiences,’ Chris said, seeming unaware of my subtle intention. ‘You’ve got to experience it and find out for yourself. If you don’t like the site there is a mobile app –’

‘Great. More naked guys,’ I replied, rubbing my hands in glee. ‘Good job this planet is infested with horny people. Getting laid can’t be too hard.’

‘There’s nothing wrong with horny people,’ Chris retorted. ‘Does sex irk you or something?’

‘Of course it does.’

‘Why?’

I paused. Somehow we’d gotten back here to the topic that must not be discussed. They looked at me in anticipation, but I wasn’t giving in. ‘Long story. I don’t feel like sharing it. But why can’t I be loved for the person I am, without getting all physical? Are you guys really incapable of holding another guy’s hand and tell him how much you love him or –?’

Chris rolled his eyes. ‘You really like your romance, huh?’

I nodded.

Chris went silent – we all did, for what seemed the longest of times. None of us had a solution. For a while I thought Chris must know of another way. He had to. But surprising me it was David who spoke next.

‘Maybe if dating sites aren’t for you then you might wanna try something else,’ he suggested quietly, his look thoughtful. ‘There are tons of stories on the internet if you’re into romance and that kinda thing.’

‘Oh? You want me to read them?’

‘Yeah. Maybe you’ll meet other readers that are on the same boat? Worth a try.’

I thought for a moment. Chris was dumbfounded, but somewhere inside me I was convinced this could actually work. It might have sounded obvious, but if the kind of romance I sought only existed in stories, confined to one corner of the internet, that should have been the first place I look, not some dating site with nude pictures. After all, how else do you meet like-minded people?