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    Adam Phillips
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Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 

Crosscurrents - 36. Epilogue

I stared off into forever.

The night was black. A full moon shone down upon the water.

The tide called to me with its hypnotic, incessant song, as I watched it kiss the shore and fall back, over and over and over.

"More Than Words" repeated itself endlessly on my boom box. Beth's boom box, actually. My sister's portable player was the only one I ever brought to this place. I thought about that first time and smiled.

The fire I'd lit flickered in my peripheral vision, and if I'd had company, they

he

might have asked me about the streaks that the fire illuminated. The ones running down my face from my eyes.

It was the song, really. The Extreme song, and the memories of first hearing it down here, and the memory of the awful year that had led up to that night on the beach.

A year I produced and directed to punish him for loving me enough to go where I was, even though it wasn't first nature to him.

But it wasn't only those memories. There were so many others, and I'd been soaking in them.

All week long, I'd lived him. I'd lived us. I'd traveled back in time.

Back to the Endless Summer.

Back to my earliest, scariest longings for him.

Back to our first days together, and on through time to the current ones.

I'd been us all over again, at all our ages. And with every memory, I looked at him intently. I listened to his words carefully.

And I loved him through all those memories as if I were living them for the first time.

And I felt him loving me. More clearly than I'd felt it the first time around.

Soaked in all that, I tried to make sense of the road that lay ahead of me.

The desperately rational part of me saw long odds, dim prospects, and no realistic way to guarantee that we had a future together that in any way resembled our present.

But life without him was unthinkable.

So why did I keep thinking of it? Why did I keep dreading it? Why did I keep assuming it as the default inevitable future?

I knew there had to be an answer for me. Some peace for me.

For us.

And I knew the answer lay in those memories.

Rich and inexhaustible, tenacious as Matt himself, the memories had accompanied me every hour I'd been here.

Branding me. Marking me.

And there on the shoreline, on the final night of my stay, a quiet understanding came to me as I gazed out into the Gulf of Mexico.

I'd walked into the condo at the beginning of the week prepared to load all my past with him into my mental museum. To remember with love...and then to release. To go back home and enjoy his love until our lives diverged, and then to let him go. For his sake. So he wouldn't have to figure out what to do with me as he moved into his future. A conventional future that had no room for me.

Over the five days that I'd relived my memories, though, I got a better look at him than I'd ever allowed myself before. The time didn't flash by. I could slow things down. Replay them. Live in them again.

And I discovered that my memories had pull. Even more surprising was that they had intention. They weren't interested in merely providing a mental playback of my life with Matt.

At first, I'd resisted the conclusion they'd been urging me toward. Not because I didn't like its contours or content.

No. It was because I wanted to be responsible, and loving, and to do the right thing, and I'd been stubbornly committed to believing that what he needed was a return to the conventional life. Pressuring him to carve out a space in his conventional life for me felt selfish and self-centered. I didn't want to keep dragging Matt back to me if and when life called him forward.

Called him away from me.

But as I stared out into the Gulf, the things he'd been saying to me over the last year rearranged and repeated themselves in just the right order and at just the right level for me to hear them.

As if for the first time. As if I'd never heard them before.

And when I listened...

I understood that preparing for us to drift apart wasn't necessarily an act of love. It was an act of self-protection.

And I understood that--just maybe--the highest love I could give him would involve summoning the courage to trust what he'd been telling me.

You are my fuckin' life, Andy. You've always been.

I played the words over and over in my head as the sound of the waves against the shore soothed the anxiety that was trying to rise up in me.

This week, this concentrated immersion in Matt and all he meant to me, brought me to a point of decision.

It was time to decide whether his words meant anything or whether I'd always think I knew better. Whether to soldier on in monster-slaying mode, or whether to risk getting hurt for the sake of trusting a promise that as yet had no shape.

A promise that was as essential to my life as it was to his.

I took a deep, cleansing breath of the salty air.

And then I went to that mental door, the one with his name on it, the one through which I'd been so frantically anticipating having to shove him and my memories of him.

It was standing open. And, oddly, given that I'd decided to make the place a museum, the room was still empty.

But it seemed like a different kind of empty. A waiting kind of empty.

I closed my eyes as the deepest aches and yearnings and hopes I lived with swirled to the surface of my consciousness.

And a conviction broke through the swirl.

There aren't any monsters under beds. There's only you, and the roads you walk, and the choices you make. And you are loved throughout all of them. And you are asked to love throughout all of them.

I don't know which part of me that internal voice was, or whether it was someone else, or whether it was just something convenient my subconscious tossed up.

But it was as clear as a bell, and it felt like some kind of final word.

I took another deep breath, and my mental eye looked up at the nameplate on The Door of that room.

This time, it read "Andy and Matt. Room Reserved For Part Two."

I opened my eyes. Nothing looked different.

But everything was.

I breathed in once again. Deeply. Gratefully. As I exhaled, years' worth of fog dissipated, and the diamond-hard clarity of the night brought this place home to me once again, giving me an opportunity to experience it--at last--with an unclouded mind and a heart free from crosscurrents and cross-purposes.

I grabbed handfuls of sand and put out my fire with them. Then I picked up my belongings and began walking back toward the condo.

It was time to go home.

THE END

So concludes the story of Andy and Matt. It's been a long, strange trip, and I thank all of you for taking it with me. You haven't seen the last of me. Check my latest few blog entries here at GA.

I finished it, Sean. This is for you. It's always been for you.
--Adam
2003-2013 Adam Phillips; All Rights Reserved. This story and its characters remain the property of the author and may not be reproduced or republished elsewhere without the author's written consent. Chapters may contain scenes depicting a loving and/or sexual relationship between consenting males. If you find this material morally or legally questionable, please do not read further.
  • Like 35
  • Love 13
Stories posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 
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How come this is not published???? I am not saying it is in a perfect state for instant publishing. Of course some grammar and structural editing is required, but the creativity and talent felt perpetual and spot-on. Also it lies within my top ten list of internet published novels. There are so many things to say about this story. First of all, the style of writing is breathtakingly beautiful. Usually I’m not a huge fan of first-person narrative style, for the mere reason that it is often confusing, not satisfying, restricting and truly hard to master. But this one, this one’s a memoir, and what an exhilaratingly heart-wrenching memoir!! What I truly admired was the smooth and graceful shift in narration as Andy was growing up and changing. The characters are so approachable, so real, that I felt I could relate hundred percent with their rollercoaster of an emotional journey. At the beginning I labeled the story as a coming of age story. Coincidentally, I started reading this story a couple of days after I watched “Boyhood” the movie. And I remember thinking: you wrote boyhood better than “Boyhood”. But this story doesn’t end there. It is much more than a coming of age story. It is a complete and honest self-discovery story, without the extravagances and over the top plots that are sometimes associated with this genre. It was pretty mellowed down and real; highlighting all the simple joys, extreme struggles, and utter miseries one have to go through to truly find themselves. But above all things, this story is about love and self-acceptance and –forgiveness. The love story in here was so real and electric, that Nicholas Spark could not touch it in a million year. Best part is no one had to die! It actually offers something pure and genuine, rather than the redundant mundane romance books that are being published nowadays. For some reason, this novel reminded me a bit of Franzen’s book “Freedom”, which is extremely different from it in its writing style and plot, but there was a sense of familiarity that I felt, that reminded me of “Freedom”; it could be its genuineness and its everlasting effect.

There was something so very alluring about watching a person going through life with a sense of frenzy and urgency. Witnessing Andy’s self-loathing and impending sense on condemnation was mesmerizing and familiar. Of course it was not something easy to admit, but if anyone took the time to level with themselves, they would come to the conclusion of how familiar it is. Not a single one of us can deny finding something in ourselves that we hate. Only difference is here, is we don’t put it under the microscope and dissect it; we actually swipe it under the rug and hope no one can find it, or fake liking it till we believe we do not hate it. It is an overwhelming human instinct: nothing can be done about it.

I suppose any one can see how much I enjoyed Andy’s journey. So much that I apparently ended up writing an assay about it. Lol. To me it was just one of those stories that manages to touch you and leave an effect. Really grateful for the AMAZING author, and wish to give all the encouragements that I could offer. Awesome job!!! Wish you best of luck on getting it published. Of course I have my queries regarding some of your characters. And I wish you would write more about Andy and Matt, since I got completely addicted to them. Especially because Andy admitted part one is over, but there is still part two. And I am so very curious to know whether Andy and Matt would actually go through marrying their girlfriend, and how would they make it work in the future. I honestly have the strongest urge to start reading the whole thing from the beginning. Again great job. And please keep writing. There is no denying your talent.

  • Like 1
  • Love 2
  On 2/8/2015 at 8:41 PM, Lifeisjustagame said:
How come this is not published???? I am not saying it is in a perfect state for instant publishing. Of course some grammar and structural editing is required, but the creativity and talent felt perpetual and spot-on. Also it lies within my top ten list of internet published novels. There are so many things to say about this story. First of all, the style of writing is breathtakingly beautiful. Usually I’m not a huge fan of first-person narrative style, for the mere reason that it is often confusing, not satisfying, restricting and truly hard to master. But this one, this one’s a memoir, and what an exhilaratingly heart-wrenching memoir!! What I truly admired was the smooth and graceful shift in narration as Andy was growing up and changing. The characters are so approachable, so real, that I felt I could relate hundred percent with their rollercoaster of an emotional journey. At the beginning I labeled the story as a coming of age story. Coincidentally, I started reading this story a couple of days after I watched “Boyhood” the movie. And I remember thinking: you wrote boyhood better than “Boyhood”. But this story doesn’t end there. It is much more than a coming of age story. It is a complete and honest self-discovery story, without the extravagances and over the top plots that are sometimes associated with this genre. It was pretty mellowed down and real; highlighting all the simple joys, extreme struggles, and utter miseries one have to go through to truly find themselves. But above all things, this story is about love and self-acceptance and –forgiveness. The love story in here was so real and electric, that Nicholas Spark could not touch it in a million year. Best part is no one had to die! It actually offers something pure and genuine, rather than the redundant mundane romance books that are being published nowadays. For some reason, this novel reminded me a bit of Franzen’s book “Freedom”, which is extremely different from it in its writing style and plot, but there was a sense of familiarity that I felt, that reminded me of “Freedom”; it could be its genuineness and its everlasting effect.

There was something so very alluring about watching a person going through life with a sense of frenzy and urgency. Witnessing Andy’s self-loathing and impending sense on condemnation was mesmerizing and familiar. Of course it was not something easy to admit, but if anyone took the time to level with themselves, they would come to the conclusion of how familiar it is. Not a single one of us can deny finding something in ourselves that we hate. Only difference is here, is we don’t put it under the microscope and dissect it; we actually swipe it under the rug and hope no one can find it, or fake liking it till we believe we do not hate it. It is an overwhelming human instinct: nothing can be done about it.

I suppose any one can see how much I enjoyed Andy’s journey. So much that I apparently ended up writing an assay about it. Lol. To me it was just one of those stories that manages to touch you and leave an effect. Really grateful for the AMAZING author, and wish to give all the encouragements that I could offer. Awesome job!!! Wish you best of luck on getting it published. Of course I have my queries regarding some of your characters. And I wish you would write more about Andy and Matt, since I got completely addicted to them. Especially because Andy admitted part one is over, but there is still part two. And I am so very curious to know whether Andy and Matt would actually go through marrying their girlfriend, and how would they make it work in the future. I honestly have the strongest urge to start reading the whole thing from the beginning. Again great job. And please keep writing. There is no denying your talent.

Expand  
Thanks for the kind words, and it may seem trivial and petty for me to focus on this, but where do you find grammar and structural problems? I'm a professional in the (nonfiction) writing biz, and mechanical integrity is a point of pride with me in my writing. So if you'd contact me and let me know where you see some deficiences on that front in Crosscurrents, I'd be most appreciative.

Ok so I wanted to wait until I was done reading the whole story before I commented. While I liked the story I guess I just don't get it and I know maybe it's not meant for me to get because it doesn't pertain to me but I just wanna know what type of relationship is this. I know someone said its polyamorous but I thought that was when all the partners are sleeping with each other not saying I know anything about it. I'm just trying to understand your thinking because I couldn't see myself in this kind of a relationship. It just seemed to me that he felt a deeper connection to men then with women not saying I don't like Angie but I just didn't see them getting back together (guess you can tell I didn't read the prologue). I think I'm just biased on the whole thing because I always believed that you can only truly love one person at a time. IDK what I'm trying to say just don't take offense to it because I'm not knocking the story I just don't understand it I guess. That's it

  • Like 1

Okay first, I fucking love this story.
Now I loathe cliffhanger/inconclusive stories and really maybe this story was neither of them things. Maybe it's the way I perceive the story. I think I understand what he did in the end but I can't be sure because it wasn't conclusive, and that's okay. I think that makes the story what it is and I really wouldn't want it any other way.
I can't help but hope you do still to this day regard whether it "wants" a sequel.
Anyways, I'll still stick around and check from time to time to see if that ever happens because I'd really like that but it's quite a perfect story with or without it.

  On 7/23/2015 at 10:34 PM, Imjustasnormalasthenextt said:

Okay first, I fucking love this story.

Now I loathe cliffhanger/inconclusive stories and really maybe this story was neither of them things. Maybe it's the way I perceive the story. I think I understand what he did in the end but I can't be sure because it wasn't conclusive, and that's okay. I think that makes the story what it is and I really wouldn't want it any other way.

I can't help but hope you do still to this day regard whether it "wants" a sequel.

Anyways, I'll still stick around and check from time to time to see if that ever happens because I'd really like that but it's quite a perfect story with or without it.

Expand  

Thanks for the kind words about Crosscurrents...but it really wasn't my intent to leave the ending of the story inconclusive. I just didn't want to beat the reader over the head with it. Go back and read it another time. :-)

 

As far as any other writing is concerned, check out the Interview Cia did with me for this month's Signature Author focus at http://www.gayauthors.org/forums/blog/258/entry-15595-author-interview-adam-phillips/

 

And thanks for reading!

Adam, your story was the first I read here on GA, months ago. And it's my favorite so I feel I've been remiss for not having reviewed it. So, thank you for sharing this story and Andy and Matt with us. Their journey was heartbreaking at times, you portrayed them with brutal honesty and that shows in my humble opinion respect to your characters and to the reader as well. My heart went out to them both so many times while reading, and i could connect because we're all human, make mistakes, succumb to our fears and make assumptions . You captured the conflict between heart and mind perfectly and laid it bear before us in the final chapter. It is a great story, and you ended it masterfully; sometimes the one who asks the question is the one who has to answer it. So thank you again for a beautiful reading experience , brilliantly done. Iro

  • Love 1

Dare I say that this story is one of my favorite books of all time? If not top 3, then top 5. No book ever has left me with the feeling that this one has.
I read this story at the end of 2015 and I'm still feeling the emotions, just seeing the title made a wave of emotions crash into me. I will always hope that I can experience what Matt and Andy have. I recall crying after the story finished haha. I don't cry often, either.
I've been considering rereading it soon because I miss the characters and the story so much.
Anyways, thank you, so so so much, for creating this masterpiece.

I suddenly had an urge to come back and reread this whole story again. Wow. Still as great and wonderful as my first time reading it. Made me experience those overwhelming feelings again. I really love your writing style and how it makes the story more real. I have been waiting and dying for that sequel you have once mentioned on an interview for years now. But I just read your reply to a comment here saying that Andy and Matt had worked things out and had somehow gotten their happily ever after. Well I guess knowing that is enough for me. :) Thank you for sharing your story with us. It's nice to witness such kind of love. This will stay with me forever, for sure.

Edited by loveseeker

Echo,

I'm glad you enjoyed the story. I'm in "Classic Author" status simply because I haven't had the time or life-space to do any more writing yet, so it didn't make sense to keep me in Signature Authors...but I have about 15 other stories rolling around in my head that I'd like to put out there some time, to say nothing of the 4 that are out there at different places on the Internet in partial stages of completion. So I hope do something before too long to accommodate your wish for more.

 

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