Advent - 6. Chapter 6 - St. Mary (Paula) di Rosa

December 15^th – St. Mary (Paula) di Rosa

From Catholic Online:

“When the door swung wide, the soldiers saw their way blocked with a great crucifix held by Paula di Rosa and two candles held by two of the six sisters who stood by her. Suddenly their frenzy to destroy disappeared, and full of shame before this display of courage and faith, they slunk back into the shadows.”

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Danny found himself reaching for the phone Sunday morning. Tonight was their second date and he ached to talk to someone about it. Cayden’s mother was having a small neighborhood caroling party and after they had dinner, they were supposed to stop by and have spiced cider and cookies. Danny just didn’t know how he was supposed to feel about it. On the one hand, he couldn’t be more excited to see Cayden again and even meeting his mother made his pulse race. On the other hand, he felt a lingering sense of betrayal of Brian. Even though he’d come to his senses about the situation, it felt wrong.

In the past, he wouldn’t have hesitated to call Cliff and Jenny, especially Jenny. Or, he’d even have called Sam and Dennis. They’d have talked with him and joked about the situation eventually making him feel better. But, he couldn’t call them, not now. Not after he’d made such a scene just three months prior. Danny hadn’t spoken to any of them since that horrible afternoon. He was just too ashamed now to call and admit he was wrong. They were right.

That afternoon was emblazoned in his heart and branded with red hot iron in his brain.

*****************************

The day had been normal, at least as normal as his and Brian’s life could be after the accident. Brian had been moved to a hospice and his best friend Jenny was picking Danny up from the hospital and taking him to the hospice to get Brian settled in. Danny was a wreck that day and she told him he couldn’t drive. It was all a set up for the intervention Danny would later discover.

When Jenny drove directly to Brian’s and his house, he wasn’t surprised. Often they’d swing by to get some clothes or trinkets to try and stimulate Brian’s brain. Brian’s room was filled with football memorabilia, his favorite foods, posters of his favorite rock bands, and pictures of them on vacations and at parties. Danny tried to surround Brian with familiar details of his life. He was sure one day Brian would wake up to Depeche Mode playing softly and a freshly baked banana chocolate chip cupcake, its homey aroma wafting throughout the room. Danny was sure of it.

Instead, Jenny walked him into their home where Brian and Danny’s friends were assembled in the living room, ready to pounce on him. It was August 1^st, only five months after the accident. He could still hear Sam’s voice pleading with him.

****************

“Danny, I know it’s hard but Brian’s just not gonna to recover,” Sam’s soft, lilting Irish accent was almost whining in his ear. “The doctors all agree Brian will never wake up and you can’t carry around this false hope.”

“Danny, we’re here because we’re worried about you. You’ve lost so much weight and you never do anything but visit him. Brian’s not responding at all,” Jenny said. The others were all nodding in a chorus of agreement. Danny’s legs gave out from under him. He collapsed on a chair as their friends seemed to all be against them.

“What are you saying Jenny? Are you saying I should just kill Brian, kill my husband?” Danny asked, his voice rising with a new feeling, fear and anger.

“No, of course not. It’s just Brian isn’t even here anymore, can’t you feel that?” Dennis had said and tried taking Danny’s hand.

“He’s lying in a bed four miles away. What do you mean he’s no longer here?” Danny heard his voice sound so sharp it could cut glass. His fury was rising in his throat. “Am I supposed to ignore my wedding vows because he’s sick? I promised I’d take care of him forever.”

“Honey,” Clare said quietly. Her soft blonde hair was hanging in her face and without thought brushed it out of the way. She leaned forward too. “It’s until death parts you and Brian is all but gone.”

All their friends, Brian’s so-called friends, wanted Danny to murder his husband. They wanted to get Brian out of the way because his illness inconvenienced them. That’s how Danny felt, and it hurt like a knife to his throat.

“I’m not killing my husband,” Danny said and looked at them defiantly. The next words out of his mouth surprised even him. “I understand Brian’s condition is difficult to handle, but I’m taking care of him. I can’t see why it matters to you. I thought you were his friends. Are you just going to abandon him?”

“Danny, nobody here wants to see Brian die. The doctors have all said there is no chance of recovery. Our parents even get that,” Brian’s brother Allen said. His wife nodded along with him. “Please let my brother rest in peace.”

“What, so you get his part of Rob and Shelly’s estate?” Danny didn’t know where that came from. He was just so shocked and hurt and felt cornered, like a rabbit against a fence. They were all trying to give him sympathetic smiles but at the time he thought they looked false. He thought they were mocking him.

“Well, I can see Brian has no friends here. That means I don’t either,” Danny said too loudly, standing up. “I guess if I was sick you’d just shoot me like an animal too. I can’t believe people who have said they loved Brian now just want to bury him in the ground because he’s too ill to stop them. Fine, I’ll just have to protect him myself. Stay away from him and stay away from me!” By the end, he was shouting, yelling and a string of obscenities and vile names spewed forth from him.

They all left rather quickly, each trying to catch his eye. He wouldn’t look at them. He wouldn’t accede to their wishes. Brian deserved better, and from his own brother too.

Jenny tried reasoning with him, but he told her to go to hell and leave him alone. She’d tried to call him later but he didn’t answer the phone. They had all tried to call but he would either let it ring and erase the messages unheard or if the day was especially bad, he’d answer. When he answered he’d let loose a string of accusations and names that would shame the devil. He was furious at them and their abandonment of Brian, well of him really. Just when they needed their friends, they turned on both Danny and Brian.

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Thinking back on the scene he’d made and how wrong he’d been, Danny was even more afraid to call. He’d been terrible to the people he loved, the people he and Brian loved. They were only trying to do what they thought was right. Danny realized he had to call if just to get support for Brian’s family, who were also not speaking to him. Small wonder, he’d gone off on them as much as he had their … well his, friends. Brian was gone and in a few more days his time on earth would end. He owed this much to his husband.

While the call was going through, he wondered if he’d have to start all over. He had hit Jenny’s number because he didn’t have the guts to call Allen or Brian’s family. They’d been so good to him throughout the ordeal when it was their son, their brother who lay in that coma. All they’d done, until August, was be supportive of Danny and he’d called Brian’s mother a cold-hearted bitch, to her face. Danny felt the embarrassment color his face when he heard the hello.

“Jenny, it’s me, Danny,” he croaked. His mouth felt full of ashes, his throat coated with sand. He got up and went towards the kitchen to get a glass of water. Jenny didn’t respond right away. She waited for his next words.

“Jenny, I’m so sorry. I was so wrong and I…”

“Danny, it’s okay,” she said cutting him off. “We shouldn’t have done that to you. Are you okay?”

“I’m okay, I guess,” Danny said around those damned ashes and sand. He took a drink of water. It didn’t help.

“I’m guessing you’ve decided it’s time,” Jenny said softly. “We shouldn’t have rushed you.”

Oh God, she understood. Danny felt the ashes begin to melt away and run down his throat taking the sand with it. Jenny understood and she was talking to him. She wasn’t so angry she’d abandon him after all.

“I have. It’s time. I’ve finally realized it’s not fair to Brian and it’s not fair to his family.”

“It’s not fair to you either,” she said to him. Danny thought he could hear her sigh on the other end. It wasn’t a sigh of impatience or annoyance. It was a sigh of relief. It was as though she’d been waiting for this call for the past three months and it finally came. Danny understood her sigh because he’d felt that sigh in his heart when he finally let go of the despair and hopelessness.

“I…I mean, Brian needs you guys there. I’m going to do it the day after Christmas. I don’t want Brian’s family to live this over and over every Christmas. It’s my late Christmas present to my husband. I’m gonna let him rest.”

Danny could hear Jenny clear her throat and a sob caught in her voice as she said, “That’s the right thing to do Danny. I’m sure they will be relieved and happy you’ve been thinking of them.”

“I don’t know how to tell them,” Danny started openly sobbing into the phone. He thought he’d cried himself out but more tears were coming in a torrent. It wouldn’t stop. Jenny said kind things, gentle things to him as he wailed. Finally, his tears began to ebb.

“Don’t worry about telling them. I’ll call Allen. It will be fine. They’ll just be glad their son can finally find some peace,” Jenny assured him. Danny made the right choice. He wasn’t strong enough to call Brian’s parents. She’d take that burden from him. She understood him.

They finished their conversation quickly and he hit end on the phone. Danny thought about hitting end. He was going to be doing that quite soon, to Brian.

It was only a half an hour later, Danny’s phone rang. He looked at the number. It was Allen, Brian’s brother calling. He steeled himself for recriminations, tears, and anger. He answered, bracing himself.

“Danny, thank you so much. Thank you for understanding,” he heard Allen’s voice full of relief the second he hit the button. “We’ve been living in hell, waiting for this to end. My mom and dad are wrecks but we are so glad you’ve made a decision.”

“I’m sorry. I just couldn’t do it. But, I think it’s time,” Danny said haltingly. All the fury and bad blood was gone. Brian’s brother wasn’t upset but intensely relieved. His brother wasn’t going to be in pain any more. It was over.

“We get it,” Allen said. “Don’t worry about the past. Nobody’s mad at you. We pushed you too far too fast. I’ve relived that meeting over and over and I shouldn’t have done that. It was wrong of us. You just took longer than us to get to the same place. Mom is relieved and agrees with you. We don’t want this to happen at Christmas. She’s just happy you’re thinking of how we feel.”

Danny talked with Allen for a few minutes longer. It was a release of emotions but not bad ones. The release was a good one with strong feelings of love and care shifting back and forth between them. Jenny had taken this burden herself and been the bridge Danny needed. He wanted to call her back and thank her but he didn’t want to complicate things. He’d tell her in person. That would be so much better.

For the next two hours, his friends called and talked to him. They all seemed to be past the hurt and his bitter, angry words to them. Brian’s father called and cried to him on the phone, thanking him for letting their son go in peace. By the time the early afternoon had arrived, Danny felt emotionally drained and considered calling Cayden to cancel. Cayden would understand. Today had been too much.

Instead, Danny laid down and fell asleep. He napped deeply for maybe an hour and then awoke suddenly. The room was cold and dark, curtains closed, silent except for some laughter and car sounds outside his house. Danny looked around the room and sat up. He grabbed an afghan his grandmother had made and wrapped up in it. His mind was clear and his heart was calm.

He’d go out tonight after all. He needed Cayden near and he needed other voices to intrude on his brain. Danny had made his decision, set things in motion, and realized there was nothing else to worry about. Now he needed to let it go. Cayden’s presence and activity would keep him from brooding, second guessing his decision and problems. It would help to get out of his house, if only for the night.

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Danny and Cayden ate dinner at a restaurant in the mall called Sweet Nora’s. It was pretty good food. A cute younger guy named Isaac, little perky blonde, brought them their burgers and drinks. He’d been a hoot, flirting openly with Cayden while his date threw it right back. Danny found he couldn’t stop laughing. How long had it been since he’d felt such joy at a meal.

Cayden also listened as Danny told him about his day. He didn’t say anything about Danny’s friends one way or another. Cayden just listened, nodded, and touched Danny’s hand from time to time. It was just the right amount of concern without becoming overbearing. After dinner, Cayden asked if Danny wanted to skip his mother’s party. Danny said no, he wanted to go. He needed to do something. He told Cayden he couldn’t be alone in his house with Brian’s things still reaching out to him, reminding him of Brian.

He’d need to clean it out soon. But, he couldn’t think of that now. Later. He could think about Brian’s things later.

Cayden’s mother’s party was exactly what he needed. His mother, Diane, was fantastic. She welcomed him in and asked him the perfunctory questions of where he worked, lived, and about his family. Diane showed him Cayden’s old room which still had his trophies from Speech Club and photos from plays he’d performed in. She joked about Cayden’s messiness and his love of punk rock. As she showed him a picture of a lavender Mohawk wearing Cayden, impossibly thin and dressed in black with steel chains everywhere, Danny’s face flushed with desire. Young Cayden was pretty damned hot.

So was the older Cayden. He’d taken Danny’s hand and shyly held it as they looked at his childhood things. Diane watched them silently for a moment and then left them to run to the kitchen.

Soon the house was filled with cheerful, laughing people, children, older people, some neighbors Cayden and Danny’s age. It was a house filled with joy. Diane put platters of cookies, meats and cheeses, and breads on a table. A steaming crockpot of cider was sitting next to handled glass cups. It was cheery and pleasant and then the singing started.

They were going to go caroling around the neighborhood. Some elderly people who were homebound had been chosen for the merry group’s attention. Before they left, one particularly effeminate man sat down at the piano Danny hadn’t noticed and began to play. The assembled group sang without fear, some well, some not so well. It wasn’t perfect but really no one seemed to care. This was a group of happy people figuring out how to make merry on this merriest of times.

Cayden kept leaning into Danny’s ear and singing his own version of the Christmas carol lyrics. Sometimes they would be silly but most of the time they were dirty versions. Danny couldn’t help but laugh which encouraged Cayden to do it more often. Sometimes his sexy versions were quite filthy, and Danny found those even more hilarious.

It was just what he’d needed. Danny had been living in his own head for the past eight months since the accident and now he was just having fun and being silly. Danny had even ventured to make up his own particularly filthy version of Deck the Halls involving sex toys and a jockstrap. Cayden had roared with laughter until his mother gave him a look. He just waved her off winking happily at Danny. Dirty Christmas carols were now off the plate.

Later, Cayden drove to Danny’s house. He waited as Danny got out of the car. Danny wasn’t sure why Cayden was acting so distant all of a sudden so he asked him inside. Once inside, Cayden stood just inside the door in his coat and shifted from foot to foot.

“Why don’t you take off your coat and join me,” Danny said plopping on the couch. He looked over at a visibly uncomfortable Cayden and smiled. “Come sit and look at the tree with me. I don’t want tonight to end yet. I had such a good time. It was exactly what I needed.”

“Was it?” Cayden’s honey brown eyes lit up. “I wasn’t sure if it was too much.” He finally took off his coat and sat next to Danny. “I was worried about intruding.”

“Intruding? No. Tonight made the whole day more bearable. I wasn’t sure I was ready for a party, but it was sorely needed,” Danny said taking Cayden’s hand in his. “If I would have sat here one more hour thinking about things, I’d have lost my mind.”

“Can’t have that,” Cayden said smiling into Danny’s eyes. “I just don’t want to push you.”

Danny leaned over and softly kissed his date. “Tonight has been a very special night. Your mom is a very nice lady and you are a filthy minded songwriter.”

Cayden laughed. The sound was as deep and low as his voice and it reached into Danny’s stomach, setting off those butterflies again. Danny grabbed Cayden’s shoulders pulling him closer. He opened his mouth and attacked Cayden’s mouth hungrily. All the tension of the day and the joy of the evening came blissfully together as his tongue invaded Cayden’s mouth. It was the release of his friends’ acceptance and the happiness of the party all wrapped into his desire. After a long, wild kiss, Danny let go of Cayden and the blond sat back and breathed deeply.

“Jeez, what got into you?” he asked with a leer. “I’ll give you four hours to stop doing that.”

But the moment had passed. It wasn’t sex Danny wanted. It was closeness, togetherness. Cayden just rubbed Danny’s shoulder and looked at him. He sat back and Danny continued to hold his hand. The two sat and looked at the brilliantly lighted Christmas tree and enjoyed the silence.

After a short while, Cayden got up to go home. Danny asked him to stay. Cayden smiled grimly and said he needed to go home. He knew Danny wasn’t ready for anything more than closeness. Intimacy would bring later guilt and feelings of discomfort. Cayden left after giving Danny one last long kiss, not nearly as ravenous but at least as passionate. Now wasn’t the time for love making. Now was the time for loving. It had started to snow as Cayden left Danny’s house. Danny watched him drive away. The snow looked so white, so pure. It was beautiful as it covered up the brown and black that is Minnesota in December. Maybe they’d have a white Christmas. If so, it would be welcomed.