Everything's Jake - 3. Chapter 3: Sam

The porch light flicked on to illuminate the early morning hours. The clock in the kitchen read 3:27, in glowing red numbers. It was a new digital clock, a fancy one that attached to the underside of the cabinet. The doorbell had fallen silent as the front door opened to reveal a man, no longer exactly a young man, but not a middle aged man yet either. Sleep still fought with his eyes, and his contacts had yet to hydrate making him scowl as he peered outside to see what the trouble was.

The young man on the front porch was just that, a young man. He shivered slightly in the early morning air, some small amount of stubble grew on his face and the bags around his green eyes showed the lack of sleep he was currently receiving.

“Jake?” The older man asked.

“Hi, Sam. Um, I’m sorry to wake you, but I…I needed someone to talk to and Connor is out of town so I…” he shivered again as if in punctuation of his statement. Sam sighed and stepped aside to allow Jake in the door, and the relative warmth of the kitchen.

“What’s wrong?” Sam asked. Jake turned to face him, his face contorted with weariness and Sam pulled the younger man to him, holding him close and trying to quell the shaking that consumed the man. After few moments, when Jake was no longer trembling as badly, Sam guided him to a chair in the cheap dinette set he was renting from the local rent to own place. With rotten credit he was forced to go to these vultures to get nice things, or decent things at any rate.

“I’ll make us some coffee,” Sam said as he turned from the broken young man in front of him. Jake merely nodded and rocked slightly in the chair while Sam went about the mundane task of coffee making in the wee hours of a Wednesday morning. The coffee maker set, Sam sat down opposite Jake and regarded the younger man who looked morosely at his hands, folded in his lap.

The coffee machine gurgled to itself in the silence of the slowly awakening day.

When there was enough in the pot, Sam stood and retrieved two cups from the cupboard and, after filling them, placed them upon the tabletop. After a side trip for the half and half and the sugar, he sat down to fix his coffee. Jake slowly placed his hands around the warm mug and sighed deeply.

“I’m sorry to wake you Sam,” he repeated.

“What’s going on Jake?” Sam asked, not unkindly.

“It’s…” he sighed, “I think Paul is going to leave me.” Sam’s face betrayed no emotions, though his heart broke for the young man who sat at his table this morning, but relief was in there somewhere as well.

“You want to tell me about it?” he asked. Jake poured half and half into his coffee, sipped it a time or two and then met Sam’s eyes.

“I’ve told you Paul is kind of jealous, he has always though that everyone wants me and would steal me away from him if he lets his guard down,” Jake sighed. Sam nodded, knowing full well the nature of the boy Jake was dating.

“Well, I didn’t know it but he got into a fight with Connor last week, and you know my history with Connor. Well, Paul does too and he is even more jealous of Connor than anyone else. So Connor wasn’t speaking to me cause I didn’t just jump down Paul’s throat about it. That was last Sunday, we were out at a bar,” Jake sighed.

“That’s always a mistake for you two,” Sam commented softly, “Paul always gets a little paranoid when he’s been drinking. I thought you said you weren’t going to go to bars anymore?” Sam asked.

“I didn’t want to, but Paul got a raise to go with his promotion at work and he wanted to celebrate,” Jake looked at Sam with a guilty expression, “You know how he gets!”

Sam merely nodded for Jake to continue as he sipped at his coffee.

“So we went out, and we ran into Jimmy and his brother Dennis. Their roommate Sean was there and the usual bunch of twinkies that surround them, you know?” Jake looked at Sam, but Sam’s eyes had shut and he had a frown on his face. Paul’s jealousies were well known, and though Jake was a rare commodity, he was loyal and Paul had never been able to see that.

“Go on,” Sam said, though he was pretty sure he could paint the rest of the picture himself at this point.

“Well, Sean was his usual self,” Jake started.

“He was flirting with everything on two legs, got it,” Sam replied while closing his eyes.

“Yeah, so he grabbed my butt at one point and I told him not to, cause Paul would be jealous. I mean, you know Sean doesn’t mean anything, he’s just being friendly, but Paul started in on me about how I shouldn’t let anyone touch me, that I belonged to him and he wasn’t going to put up with his shit anymore,” Jake said with tears standing in his eyes. Sam continued to observe dispassionately.

“So, he made us leave and in the car he was putting me down all the way back to the apartment. He,” Jake shuddered, “he forced me to…he raped me, Sam.”

Sam closed his eyes again and frowned deeply, anger boiling but realizing too that the real decisions had to come from Jake, not him.

“Go on, Jake.”

“He yelled at me a lot, and I begged him to stop, I told him there wasn’t anyone else, but he wouldn’t listen, he was…rough on purpose, he was so mean, so mean,” Jake trailed off. Sam sighed, afraid this would be a waste of time. Jake was concerned that Paul would leave him, but if he wasn’t ready to leave Paul behind then there was very little Sam could do.

“I’m scared, Sam, if he leaves…I can’t pay for the apartment, he makes a lot more than I do. The bills, they are all in my name, the car is his so I couldn’t go to work…” Jake gave a shuddering sigh.

“Jacob, are you saying the problem here is how you would be left if he weren’t part of your life, or is this about you wanting Paul to be there with you?” Sam asked.

“I think…I need to get away from him, but I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared, and when Connor finds out…” Jake drifted into somber silence. Sam thought quietly, allowing Jake some space.

“Jake, what makes you think he will leave? Just from what he said in a drunken rage?” Sam asked.

“Well, yeah, it seemed so different this time,” Jake offered.

“Jake, listen to me. I know you love Paul, god only knows why,” Sam started.

“He’s not really that bad,” Jake said feebly, but wilted under Sam’s gaze.

“He has driven most of your friends away, and he hurts you and demeans you. Jake, you don’t deserve this. I know you feel some of what I am saying to you, but something made you decide to come here tonight, what pushed you over the edge?” Sam asked, still dispassionate. Sam had good reason, for this was not the first Jakee Jake had come crying to him, only to go right back to the abuse that Paul doled out.

Jake seemed to debate, and finally stood and lifted his shirt. Fresh, ugly purple bruises raced up his ribs, overlaid on older bruises, yellow and reds interlaced on his flesh. Sam inhaled sharply in spite of himself and realized that Paul had progressed far beyond intimidation and demeaning comments and the rough sex that he and Jake shared. He was furious that Paul felt so secure in his domination of Jake that he could rape him with out fear that Jake would turn on him, as he obviously felt at this point. To show this outrage would only scare Jake away, Sam knew from experience, so he fought valiantly for control and even tones.

This new wrinkle underscored that Sam had to act, even if Jake didn’t agree with him in the end.

“Jake, sometimes when you love some one you have to let them go. You have to do what is best for them, and sometimes that thing is also the best thing for you. The best thing you can do is get out of that situation, Jake and I won’t take no for an answer,” Sam said firmly.

“But he’ll…He’ll find me,” Jake whispered, “He said he’d kill me.”

“He has to go through me first, and I swear he’ll never touch you again Jacob.”

“Sam, I can’t, I…”

“Bullshit! I refuse to allow someone I love to suffer like that! Maybe you’ll hate me for it, but if I have to tie you down in the spare room you won’t set foot near that maniac again!” Sam hissed in spite of his subconscious shushing him.

“But I love him!” Jake wailed.

“Why? He beats you! He rapes you! He tells you you’re worthless, just like that twisted bastard that sired you, you are still in his shadow, letting him control you. Give your love to someone that loves you back, give Connor his due.” Sam sat back, but poised in case Jake felt trapped and tried to run.

Jake looked down into his lap, staring at his hands before he spoke. “I can’t even look at Connor now. What could Connor ever see in me? Something someone used as a f-f-f fuck toy,” Jake began to hitch his breathing as he became more unstable, “I feel like a whore, why would Connor ever want me? I’m not exactly the kid he used to know.”

“Connor would love you if you were living in a dumpster, and you know it. But you want why’s and wherefore’s? Ok, let me tell you a story. Come on, let’s go in the living room and sit on the couch,” Sam got up and shepherded Jake further into the house and ensconced him on the couch so that he could block a sudden run attempt. Jake could turn up dead if he got away and back into Paul’s clutches this time.

“I was twenty seven when I came out,” Sam began, “I had been with the same woman for six years, and married for almost two years when the wheels came off the whole thing. After an acrimonious period of time in which we couldn’t even be in the same room with out fighting, we slowly mended some fences enough to talk. I went to the gay bars for the first time, under the guidance of my father who showed me what people wanted when they offered to buy you a drink or worse.

“I was naive, and I made a few mistakes, had some close encounters with ugly guys, or at the very least overly plain guys,” I gave Jake a soft smile as he grinned at my choice of words though his troubled face.

“I met a few really good people, even fell in love with a few people. Love is a tricky thing, some people allow it to consume them,” Sam watched as Jake squirmed and knew he was dangerously close to losing his subject.

“I did it myself, once,” Sam stated and Jake stopped squirming suddenly. ‘Good’, Sam thought, ‘I have his attention now.’

“I met this great guy, he was sensitive and beautiful to my way of thinking. I wouldn’t say he walked out of a magazine or anything like that, but he was undeniably attractive for his combination of looks and an odd sort of charm. Well, I was head over heels in love with this boy and he could do no wrong,” Sam said as he sat back in response to Jake’s more relaxed posture.

“What happened?” Jake asked.

“I got my heart broken,” Sam replied. “I had to let him go, I wasn’t what he needed. He couldn’t be my boyfriend because I didn’t have the kind of love he was ready for. So this beautiful guy, I had to let him go. At least as a boyfriend, I had to let him go and love him in what little ways he would allow me,” Sam leaned forward, supporting his chin on this layered hands, elbows resting on his knees.

“That guy sounds like an idiot, how could he walk away from that?” Jake asked.

“People develop at their own pace, in their own time, Jake, you should know that of all people. When you were ready for your father’s abuse to end, you went to Connor and he defended you like he always has. People need different kinds of love, not just the romantic kind and this guy wasn’t ready for that, for all his beauty he couldn’t love. He was hurting too much inside,” Sam said softly. Jake sat in silence, appearing thoughtful.

“Well, he was still dumb.”

“He was you, Jake,” Sam replied. Jake sat in shock, obviously never having considered the idea that Sam had romantic interests in him.

“I’m not leaving Paul for you,” Jake said uncertainly.

“Jacob! I am not some predator after your ass! I am your friend, I have loved you for the beautiful things about you and tried to ease the things about you that hurt until you were ready to try and be happy for yourself,” Sam sighed and continued in a softer tone, “I’m trying to help you. Whatever your destiny is, it’s not as my partner, I know this. But I also know it’s not with Paul, or anyone else that doesn’t love you,” Sam said firmly.

The room sat in silence, only the ticking of the grandfather clock, so out of place with the worn out surroundings, broke the silence with its consistent ticking and tocking. The wind sighed outside the window like a tired old man and leaves chattered in the trees like the tittering of a crowd that waits for a decision.

“I don’t have anywhere to go,” Jake said.

“I have a spare room, just needs cleaning,” Sam replied.

“I don’t have much there, just clothes mostly.”

“That’s good, I have a small car.”

“I still have six months before the lease is up.”

“The penalty is usually your security deposit, but you rent from Max, I’m sure we can work something out with her.”

“I’ll have no way to get to work.”

“The bus runs right in front of the house, and your office is one the bus line.”

Jake sat and chewed his lower lip, clearly the ball was in his court. Would he choose pain or some attempt to make his life better. The clock continued to monitor the minutes and bear witness to the events of the shabby living room, worn carpet and old paint acting as silent partners in its vigil. Jake pulled his legs up to his chest, looking for all the world like a vulnerable child. After what seemed to be an eternity he looked up at Sam.

“What would you charge for rent?”

“I want you to go to therapy, counseling for this inferiority complex. I want you to be happy.”

“I know,” Jake said with a tremble, “But I asked about rent, I don’t make that much.”

“You go to counseling and I call it even.”

“Sam, I couldn’t,” Jake began.

“Yes, you can. Your happiness is worth more than any money you could give me.”

“Sam,” Jake sighed.

“Jake, swallow that prideful thought and just say yes, thank you, and be happy that you have always had people that loved you, even if you didn’t always know it.”

Jake studied Sam, wondering what he had done right to have Sam give so much of himself.

“Ok, Sam. Thanks.”