Beginning Again - 1. Chapter 1

Beginning Again

Alex tilted his head back, feeling sweat trickle down his neck as the sun bathed his face. He was hot and drowsy, the muted pounding of the waves breaking on shore and the far off shrieks of children playing creating a lulling melody. He was drifting in the limbo between awake and asleep, when he heard the soft, but unmistakable sound of a body settling into a nearby chair.

Alex figured that Derek would be the only one to take the seat but he cracked an eye open cautiously, just in case and smiled a little. Derek was in the chair, wearing standard beachwear: a T-shirt with his swimming shorts, sunglasses. Alex knew that underneath his glasses, his eyes were rimmed with dark circles and that the shirt hid a frame that was bony, bordering on gaunt, but now he just looked like a slender guy enjoying his time at the beach...or trying to, at any rate.

"I told you this was a nice place, right?" Alex said, optimistic that Derek had decided to leave the little villa and venture out.

Derek nodded, but didn't speak, just rooted around in the cooler until he found a soda and popped it open. "It is. It was nice of you to invite me."

It was true that Blue Mountain Beach was not the Spring Break hot spots of Daytona Beach or Panama City but the last thing Derek needed was to be surrounded by alcohol and nightclubs. Alex had even called ahead to make sure that the previous tenants hadn't left any beers in the fridge and had been sure to load up on soda, water and juice. Derek hadn't touched a drop since the accident and Alex wasn't about to provide the temptation.

Alex watched out of the corner of his eye as Derek removed his sunglasses to apply sunscreen to his face. The scars on his cheek and chin were already fading, and he no longer guarded his midsection when moving.

Encouraged by Derek's appearance on the beach, Alex scrambled to his feet. "Hey, I'm going to go for a quick dip. Wanna try it out?"

Derek shook his head.

Alex raised an eyebrow. "You sure? We don't have to go very deep and it's not crowded."

Derek shook his head again.

"Okay man. I'll be back in a little bit."

Derek didn't answer, just settled back into his chair.

Alex stepped into foaming overlap of water and sand, then waded in past the breakers before taking a breath and diving underneath. There was nothing but sand and saltwater sting, but he stayed under as long as he could before resurfacing, shaking back his wet hair and beginning to swim.

Maria had told him this vacation was a bad idea, watching him pack the night before they were scheduled to leave.

"You two have been spending a lot of time together. I think maybe Derek just needs some space."

"Derek doesn't want space. He hates being alone and he needs support."

"You don't know that. That sounds more like what you want. Besides, I don't think this trip is the best thing for you right now either."

"I don't know what you mean," Alex lied, refusing to meet her eyes.

"Get off it Alex, I know the two of you are screwing again."

Alex glanced up at that, already feeling the heat creep up his neck. Soon there would be a telling blush all over his face. "With all due respect to you and our friendship, Maria, I'm telling you to mind your own fucking business."

"Ethan was my friend too, dammit," Maria snapped in response, her dark eyes flashing. "And so is Derek. It's only been a few months..."

"It's been three," Alex reminded her.

"And he isn't over losing Ethan yet."

"I know that."

"Yet, you don't see the problem with this entire scenario?" Maria asked. "Christ, Alex, he is still grieving, and you are taking advantage of that. How can he even consent at this point?"

"Maria!" Alex exclaimed. "You make me sound like a criminal or something! Derek has been my friend for years and he needs someone to turn to. Do you think that your boyfriend is going to let you stay overnight in Derek's room? Hell no. It hurts too much for Derek to be there on his own, even after taking down most of Ethan's things and he needs comfort. It's not just about sex."

"But you are having it." Maria pointed out.

"Yes...we are," Alex finally admitted. "We were having sex before Ethan, so it doesn't matter that much. Besides, it's better with someone who is familiar and safe than going out and ending up with someone who might not be safe or who might end up hurting him. I'm not going to."

"And you don't mind that he is obviously just using you?" Maria asked, raising her eyebrows.

"He's not. It's not like that-"

"It is like that." Maria leaned forward. "Listen, Alex. I've known Derek as long as you have, okay? And don't think for a minute that I don't love him as much as I do you. But he was head over heels with Ethan and he is not over him yet. So whatever you guys have right now, don't mistake it for something that it isn't."

Alex took another breath and dove under another wave, feeling the swell gently lift him. He could understand Maria's concern, but she really wasn't getting what went on between them. Derek had been his friend since high school and they lived in the same dorm during college. Derek, who was always more adventurous and reckless had dived right into the party scene at school with full vigor, and Alex was often dragged along to keep him company, or, more frequently, to keep him safe.

One night he had taken a drunk, giddy Derek home, laughing heartily at the both of them, and had put Derek to bed like he usually did. Derek's roommate was gone, so Alex decided to overnight and had sat up for a few hours, watching a movie on his roommate's television. Alex wasn't too surprised to see Derek wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, but wasn't expecting him to stumble back into his roommate's bed and snuggle up next to Alex, resting his head on the other boy's stomach.

"Hey, you're in the wrong bed," Alex told him, gently shaking his shoulder.

"Nuh, 'm not," Derek mumbled. He moved, a little clumsily, maneuvering himself so he was straddling Alex's legs, leaning over him. "I'm right where I want." He shifted a little, a slide and grind over Alex's groin in a way that made something start to stir and awaken. Alex's hands went to Derek's hips and before he could decide whether he was going to pull his friend closer or push him away, Derek's mouth was fastened firmly over his. Derek tasted warmly of beer and sleep as he thrust down against him. Alex bucked back up into him before he could stop himself and he felt more than heard Derek's moan of approval. He could feel the other boy's erection through the thin shorts he was wearing.

Regretfully he pushed Derek away, replacing the warm pressure with cold space. "You're drunk--" he started.

"And horny and lonely," Derek added, pressing a series of hot kisses against Alex's jawline. He pressed a hand against the growing hardness underneath Alex's zipper and Alex couldn't completely hold back the muted groan.

"See?" Derek whispered, trailing his lips over Alex's neck. "You want this too. We both do and it's just the two of us. C'mon Lexy."

Alex felt his dissolve weaken at the old affectionate nickname from their high school days, even as he pushed Derek off of him again. "Okay, get up."

Derek sat up and Alex felt a twinge of guilt at the look he gave him; lust and hopefulness. Alex got up from the bed as Derek stepped off of him and turned off the television. Blinking until his eyes adjusted to the dark, he turned to Derek and pushed him towards the bed. Derek collapsed onto the mattress and Alex hesitated one more moment as he climbed on top of him. "Are you sure?"

The sigh from Derek sounded like relief mixed with hope. "God, yes." Then Derek's hands were in his hair, drawing his face down and kissing him hungrily. Derek's hips were moving, pressing up against him urgently and Alex reached down to unbutton his shorts, shoving them down his legs and yanked at the waistband of Derek's boxers.

That had been their first time, messy, hurried and not entirely sober. It became a constant in their lives, a way to unwind after a party or to blow off steam when they were stressed out. Both of them had a mutual understanding that what they had was just sex and not a relationship.

Maria's friend Ethan had dazzled them both and Derek had fallen fast and hard, as he tended to do, and the casual hook-ups had stopped. Derek and Ethan moved into the same dorm room together the following semester and Alex would hang out into the early morning hours with both of them but wouldn't stay.

It wasn't until after the accident, after Derek had been released from the hospital and Ethan had been put into the ground that they resumed. Alex had no intention of returning to their old ways, but the first time Derek had broken down, choking on hoarse sobs and trying to hold it in, something had shattered inside of Alex. He had pulled his old friend into him, hugging him as the dam broke and Derek shuddered and sobbed. Alex hated it, being there and not knowing what to do as his friend fell apart. So when Derek turned, red faced and teary eyed to kiss him, desperate and almost feral, it was almost a relief. This he could do.

He pushed Derek away, studying his face, the naked grief and sadness. "Are you sure?"

Derek grabbed him and yanked him back up against his body and bruised him with another hard, frantic kiss.

"Please, God, please, I need--"

"I know, I know," Alex soothed, pressing him down on the bed and pulling down his sweats. "I've got you."

Alex took the hints from Derek's aggression and fucked him hard and fast. Derek came quickly, and Alex rode it out until his own orgasm. Derek seemed calmer afterwards, wasn't crying or shaking and Alex waited a while then teased and touched him until he was hard again, then made love to him again until Derek came a second time. Exhausted, Derek feel asleep almost instantly afterwards, while Alex quietly stroked himself off while watching his friend's face. Alex slept with him on nights Derek didn't want to wake up alone but wouldn't argue with the subtle cues that Derek needed some time alone, although those were becoming fewer and further between.

Alex resurfaced again, and walked back to shore, shaking back his wet hair and checking to see where Derek was and how far the current had carried him before starting to trudge back across the sand. Taking Derek away from the school and the memories of his time with Ethan had seemed like a good idea at the time, but Derek seemed more withdrawn since arriving here.

Christ, maybe Maria was right. Or maybe he was just giving Derek too much time to dwell. Maybe he needed less lazing about at the villa and beach and more activities to keep him busy. Hiking the swamps and biking were popular activities. Alex forced a grin as he approached Derek again. Maybe some exercise would be good for him too, keep him from noticing the way Derek looked in the sun, or remembering how he smiled after orgasm or the way he felt in Alex's arms as he fell asleep. Maybe it would distract him from the fact that he was falling for his best friend.

* * * * *

Derek lay on his back, staring up at the slow rotation of the ceiling fan, watching the blades cut through the moonlight and shadows that painted the ceiling. He had discovered that, if he left the window partially open, he could hear the gentle whisper of waves on the sand. It wasn't enough to lull him to sleep, but it was a soothing background sound to listen to while watching the fan spin.

He closed his eyes and heard Alex moving around outside of his room, maybe getting ready for bed himself or grabbing a late night snack.

Derek liked Alex. He had been a good friend for a long time, and he didn't...push. There was no pressure, and that was important. Derek had known that he had to go through the motions, much as he didn't feel like it, after he was released from the hospital. Even though he was still locked in a cold lonely prison of grief and guilt, he had to go through the motions so everyone would stop pushing. Eat the food he didn't want, pretend to sleep, resume classes and showering. It had been overwhelming, agonizing almost, but he did it because it helped ease the worry lines in Maria's brow and brought relief to his mother's kind face and approval to his father's eyes.

But Alex didn't have that subtle pressure that weighed heavy on Derek, didn't have that open concern to fight back against with a charade of normalcy. It had allowed his fragile mask to drop and fall, had allowed him to sob unashamedly when he had been back in his dorm room, with the memories and mementos of Ethan all around him. Alex had just hugged him and held him, comforted him. He didn't recoil from Derek's tears or sadness, like they were repulsive or unnatural, something he had to hide behind the mask that he donned the rest of the time, to smile and stem the flow of them before someone else could tell him to.

Nothing made the days much easier, but nights were the worst. They stretched on, cold and lonely and left Derek too vulnerable to the ravages of Ethan's memory. Those were the nights when Ethan's voice roused itself inside his mind and screamed at him for letting him drink too much, letting him try to drive, for being a bad friend and worse boyfriend. Ethan's ghost was never kind or gentle. He was bitter and angry. Even when Derek attempted to stem guilty memories with more comforting ones, his addled mind could only dredge up alcohol soaked kisses, over-eager hands, harsh panting in his ear.

Derek listened to Alex's footsteps approach his door, followed by a gentle, hesitant knock.

Derek sat up. He knew he should stay silent, maybe pretend he was asleep, so Alex would leave, go to bed. But he could feel the loneliness of the night waiting to press against him, and felt his resolve crumbling under its subtle, unspoken threat.

"Come in."

Alex opened the door and smiled at him. Derek smiled back. He looked so goddamn sweet, comforting, in pajama bottoms and a light T-shirt. He settled himself at the foot of Derek's bed. "I'm about to turn in, and I wanted to see if there was anything you needed."

Derek shook his head. He wasn't sure if he could resist what Alex was sure to offer but he sure as hell wasn't going to ask for it.

"I was thinking about maybe trying some biking or hiking tomorrow," Alex said. "Maybe see some of the island? Unless you would rather stay on the beach."

"No, hiking sounds cool," Derek said.

Alex studied him. "Or we could do something else, if there was a specific thing that you wanted to try."

Derek shook his head. "No, hiking is good. I would like that."

Alex nodded. "Good. We can check out some trails in the morning." His eyes dropped to Derek's lap and he laid a gentle hand on his thigh. Derek closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. He could feel the heat of Alex's hand through the thin sheet, could smell him, soap and cotton and the still lingering scent of sea salt that clung to the air, their skin, their hair. "Are you going to be able to sleep or do you need help?"

Tell him no, Derek told himself sternly. Tell him no, send him to his own room, you can't keep doing this to him...

He took a deep breath and opened his eyes. He saw Alex, staring at him still, sliding a hand up his thigh. Arousal was already building, heat pooling in his thighs and groin. Alex was already moving in closer, shifting his body over his and Derek felt helpless to do anything but angle his head up to meet Alex's kiss. Bittersweet regret flooded his heart, even as he pulled Alex closer, into the warm cradle between his legs, to quell the hurt and quiet the confusion. Maria had told him that Alex was using him, but she has never considered the fact that he might be using him right back. It hurt though, because it was obvious that Alex had started developing feelings for him that went beyond their previous friendship and Derek knew he had to end this charade before it caused irreparable damage, but...

God, Alex tasted and felt so good. Maybe it was wrong, but it just felt good to be touched and kissed and when he was with Alex, he didn't miss Ethan that much. He missed him all the time, but Alex dulled that ache a little bit, with the taste of his skin and the pressure of his hands on his hips and the sweet coil of orgasm that eventually erupted from him.

Derek gasped and shuddered and arched as Alex made love to him, then relaxed back against the pillow afterwards, Alex breathing heavily against his neck before collapsing next to him. Derek sighed and turned onto his side, sleepy and sated and warm. He smiled a little when he felt Alex drape an arm around his waist, like usual, and the faint brush of lips against the back of his neck.

He was already halfway asleep, in a dreamy, hazy twilight state, when he felt Alex shifting, brushing his hair back from his face, pressing a feather soft kiss against his temple, his cheek, then settling warmly against the back of his neck again. He was almost asleep, almost under, when he heard the words, whispered, murmured into his neck.

"I love you."

His heart sank around the same time panic knotted in his stomach. "No." Derek heard himself say, then he was pulling away, breaking Alex's casual hold and sitting up on the edge of the bed. "Don't. No."

"What? Derek?"

"Don't. Just don't. I can't--don't."

There was a rustle of movement, of sheets shifting and pants being pulled on. "Okay, I'm sorry. I just...I'm sorry."

Derek felt a warm hand on his shoulder and couldn't help the tiny shudder of movement through his body. Because he wanted, so badly, to forget that he had heard it. To forget everything and just tug Alex back to bed with him and wrap himself up in his arms. Instead, he wrapped his arms around himself and forced the words out. "Just go. Please."

There was a long pause, then Alex quietly left the room. Derek crumbled back onto the bed, pulling his cold blanket of grief back over him.

                 * * * * *

By the next day, Alex knew he had majorly fucked up. His first clue was when he went to wake Derek up and saw the bottle of sleeping pills on his night table. Alex hadn't seen him touch them in weeks. The second hint was that although Alex hadn’t chosen a hike that was especially grueling, Derek still appeared pale and sweaty near the end of the trail.

Alex called for a break, sitting down and making Derek eat a power bar, some raisins and drink a bottle of water before resuming the walk back. Derek was regressing to how he was shortly after Ethan's death, losing sleep and barely eating. What little conversation they had was tense and strained. Alex berated himself constantly. He had fucked it up. He had wanted this too much and he had pushed too hard, he had let his feelings show too soon and he had fucked everything up. All he had wanted was to take his friend away for a vacation, for a break from classes and Ethan and the stress of school so he could relax and maybe see if that empty haunted look would leave him a little bit.

Maria was going to kill him.

Alex decided to try and set things back to right while Derek was in the shower. He had messed up, yes, but maybe he could fix things. He scoured the refrigerator and pulled out ingredients for pasta and made an arugula pesto that he knew Derek liked. That got a small smile of appreciation out of Derek when he came into the kitchen to see Alex scooping it onto a plate and passing it over. Only later that evening, when Derek had settled down with a magazine and a glass of water and Alex had showered and done the dishes, did he work up enough courage to approach the sofa and sit next to Derek.

"Hey."

Derek glanced up. "Hey." He returned to reading the magazine.

Alex reached out and gently tugged it down before pulling it free of Derek's hands. "I want to talk to you."

The nervous, wary look Derek gave him twisted the knife in his chest a little bit. "About?" Derek asked, pulling an afghan off the back of the couch and pulling it close around him. It was another defense mechanism, Alex realized, as the room was far from cold.

"Are you having a good time? Tell me the truth."

Derek shrugged.

"Does this have anything to do with last night?"

Derek shrugged again, but the reddening in his cheeks was enough answer for Alex.

"Okay. Look, I guess at this point, it would be kind of stupid for me to pretend that I don't have feelings for you okay? But...I just want you to know that it's not your problem. You can always tell me no if you want to."

"It's--It's not that simple, Alex," Derek finally said, looking down at his knees. "I just...I like you, I do. But I really need a friend right now. And I can't risk losing this friendship. I don't know what I would do."

"Hey, look at me for a minute." Alex waited until Derek lifted his eyes. "I am your friend. First and foremost, and that is what I will always be. I love you, but that doesn't mean I'll stop being your friend. Regardless of if you ever return my feelings or not I'll always be here for you. And if you decide, later on, that you want a lover and you want to be with me, that's fine. If you find love with someone else and want to be with them, that is also fine. If you decide you just can't date or find love for a while, or ever, that is okay. I'll still be here. And I'll never stop being your friend, no matter what happens."

Derek shifted. "I don't know what I want right now."

"That is also fine."

"But...I know there are some things with you that I do like. And...And I think that we could be together." Derek looked like the words took effort to get out and Alex remained quiet, giving him space. "Someday. Soon. But I don't think I can do that right now. And I can't...we can't keep doing this. Not when I know how you feel. It's wrong."

"That's okay." Alex pulled his knees up and laced his fingers around his legs. "Why don't we renegotiate, then? You tell me what we do that you like and what you think you can handle right now. We can keep those, if you want. Even if it is just me cooking you dinner." Derek chuckled a little. "And then, later, when you think you are ready for more, we can renegotiate again. Or if you decide that you're never going to be ready, we can just keep things the same."

Derek curled up, rested his chin on his knees. "You know that I'm going to take sex off the table."

Alex nodded. "I expect so."

"It just makes everything too confusing."

"I know."

Derek turned his head to look at Alex again. "And you are okay with that?"

"I am." Alex wasn't going to lie and say that he wasn't disappointed, but yeah, he was okay with that. "I was kinda hoping that cuddling was still a go."

Derek glanced at him and smiled, then lifted the edge of the afghan in an open invitation. Alex didn't waste anytime fitting himself into the warm space at Derek's side. Derek shifted behind him and finally rested so that his arms were wrapped around Alex and the blanket cocooned them both.

"So what are you thinking?" Alex finally asked.

"I don't deserve you. I'm not a good boyfriend."

"Yes, you are. What happened to Ethan wasn't your fault, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember."

"Do we need to go over facts again?"

Derek dropped his face into Alex's hair. "You're going to make me do them anyway."

"Fact one. Why were you going to the party?"

"To drink and have fun."

"Fact two. You and Ethan had an agreement."

"One of us was able to drink, the other had to stay sober."

"And who was the designated driver?"

"The sober one."

"Fact three. Who was sober?"

"Ethan."

"So, you were going to a party, to drink and have fun, and Ethan was to stay sober to drive, and you were free to drink as much as you wanted. All true facts, yes?"

"Yeah, but-"

"No, facts are not allowed to be changed. So whose responsibility was it to make sure Ethan stayed sober?"

"Ethan's."

"And who failed to be responsible and stay sober?"

"Ethan."

Alex pressed another kiss to Derek's shoulder. "So, it's not your fault. But you think it is sometimes. What did your psychiatrist call it?"

"Survivor’s guilt."

"I miss Ethan too. And I know we do stupid stuff sometimes. But what he did was unforgiveable. He endangered both of you when he was supposed to be taking care of you. I'm sad that he died, but I was also upset that he hurt you. And I'll be damned if I'm going to let you sit here and take the blame for it. It was his fault, all his fault, and I'll tell you that a million times over."

"Sometimes it even helps," Derek said. "It's easier, having you here."

"Well, I'm more than happy to stay."

                         * * * * *

Derek stood on the damp sand the next morning. It felt strange underneath his feet, insubstantial and alien. The foaming edge of a wave crept up towards his feet, teasing his toes. Derek glanced up, at the long low line of the horizon. It was early, with the sun still an unknown promise, wreathed in pink and gold. He liked it, the unbroken stillness, the gentle rumble of the sea around him.

He and Alex had talked late into the night, agreeing on what was okay for their fledging new relationship and what was not. Cuddling, hugs, kisses and general affection was still okay. Sex and nudity were off the table for now, but would probably be re-entered into the equation eventually.

If...

Derek sighed. If he could let go of Ethan. He closed his eyes. He remembered the first time they met, Ethan's smile and the light in his eyes as they shook hands. Maria had already been smiling a coy little matchmaker's smile, almost bouncing up and down in excitement. He remembered kissing after their first date, lying on the bed in Ethan's dorm, touching him and tasting him and nothing else seemed to exist except the two of them. The double dates with Maria and her boyfriends, hanging out with Alex on campus, drinking until they were both a boisterous, laughing mess, hanging onto each other as they tried to walk through downtown. They were nice memories, Derek decided and tucked them away inside his mind, to pull out when he felt nostalgic or lonely.

He could hear someone else treading on the sand and didn't look away from the horizon until Alex was standing next to him. Derek smiled at him. He still felt guilty, having survived the accident when Ethan didn't and he still felt uneasy about dating again. But knowing that Alex would still be there, regardless of what he did or didn't do...that helped.

"Nice," Alex observed, scanning the horizon.

Derek nodded.

"Trouble sleeping?" Alex asked.

"No. Just wanted to think a little bit." He nodded towards the water. "I was thinking about what you said about going for a swim the other day. About trying it out."

Alex nodded. "I think it would be good for you."

"But not alone, right?"

"No," Alex took his hand. "Never alone."

Derek kissed him as the sun broke the horizon, fanning its rippling glow over the waves. They walked over the sand, into the waves, into their sunrise sea. A new start, a new beginning, for both of them.

~END~