Life behind Hazel Eyes - 17. Let's Leave it to Fate

I walked back to my car with an overwhelming sense of dread, consumed by my feelings and thoughts the ride to where Brian stayed dragged on. I drove on and finally arrived at his doorstep, where I stood for close to a minute just thinking. Do I really want him? Yes, I love him but do I want him in my life again? I started to turn and walk away when his door opened.

“Hey, I was starting to panic, when I looked outside the kitchen window and saw your car parked outside.” My back was still turned towards him. Do I turn and walk into his arms, or do I just walk away forever?

“I…” Instead of speaking, I turned around and walked right past him to get into his apartment. It wasn’t out of anger; it was just that I wanted to go in before I changed my mind. Talking made my brain work overtime and if I had stood outside talking to him I would’ve ended up in my car, on my way back home.

“You went all out,” I said as I saw the candlelit dining room with an ice bucket, which held in it the champagne we were to drink. I had been led to the dining room by Brian, where he pulled a chair out for me, and it was all so chivalrous and so pompous. He was never the type to do this; I didn’t know why he was doing it either.

“Yeah, I wanted our first dinner together after so long to be beautiful.” He was so nervous; he never got nervous around me. I guess I wasn’t the only one that didn’t know what to expect from this dinner. So I thought I’d ease up on him a bit. Give him a fair chance and all. Like a first date.

“It is,” I said with a smile. I looked up and found him smiling too. He excused himself to go get the food. I didn’t know what was going through my mind at that point in time, but I remember sighing out loud. It must’ve been because I wasn’t sure what to expect and I never expected that. It was beautiful; I knew he had gotten help. The candles were scented, the entire room felt warm as if he had heated it to the right temperature, and the whole room looked like it could’ve been a restaurant. I was still gazing around the room and admiring all the effort he had put in when he appeared. I noticed for the first time that night that he looked amazing. He wasn’t formal, but you could see he was dressed for a date, his hair had gel in it, he wore jeans that showed off his amazing legs, and everything about him looked so much better under candlelight.

“Before we eat, I have some rules,” he said as he put the dinner in front of me and went to place his on his side and sit down.

“Rules?” I asked with an arched eyebrow.

“Yes, rules,” he repeated in a calm and almost amused manner. I nodded for him to carry on, and learned there was to be “no fighting, no screaming and no shouting. We are here to sort things out properly and get past what happened in the past.” He had his eyes locked on mine, and although I had kept averting that at times, I’d always find a way to have them back on him.

“That sounds fair enough,” I said, reaching over to grab the champagne. I somehow knew I’d need a drink.

“So, how are you?” he asked as he started to poke at his food.

“I’m great, had a hectic gym day today.” I mentioned the last part to explain my outfit, but guessing from the way he looked at me, he didn’t buy it.

“Okay, so new rule. No lying,” he said, and then stuffed his face with food. I just shot him an evil eye, but I remembered the rules.

“How are you?” I asked.

“Not so great, but I’ll get better.” He was calm, as if he had done this a thousand times. Maybe I was overthinking the situation.

“That’s good to hear,” I said and quickly added “…the getting better part,” after he side-eyed me.

“You look…unlike yourself.” I could see he was trying, but I had spent all day crying; I wasn’t about to loosen up.

“Do you have anything stronger than this?” I asked waving my near-empty glass of champagne.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” The way he said it made it sound like he was talking to a drunk who was about to go off the deep end again. I hated his tone. I hated this date. What the fuck was it supposed to achieve. I gave him a hard stare then just decided to play with the food. I wasn’t hungry; I had no appetite and I had no energy. ARGH I was just frustrated.

“You should eat that not play with it,” he suggested in such a soothing way.

“I’m just trying to pass time until I’m allowed to go home,” I stated. Granted I was being immature but… Damn it, I was not okay with any of it. I wasn’t okay with the dream I had had. I wasn’t okay with him trying to win me over. I wasn’t okay with everyone in his family wanting him to be with me. I just wasn’t okay!

“Khail, calm down, it’s just me.”

“That’s why I want to leave.” I saw the disappointment in his eyes as I said that. “Tell me what the point of all of this is? You win me over, and make me fall in love with you all over again, and then you leave?” My tone wasn’t pointed, matter of fact I was shocked at how calm I was at that point.

“Have you asked yourself why I’m doing this?”

“No, I have been trying really hard to avoid you,” I said and looked down, trying to avoid eye contact. I was ashamed of what I had just said.

“I noticed that much, you never were good at hiding anything from me.” He let out a chuckle as he finished saying that. I feared how the date was going to go; half of me was screaming for him, and the other half was screaming at him. “Well, I’m back in town to try and sort out a place to stay, and sign contracts for my new job. Khail, I’m here because I’m trying to come back home. For good.”

My primary excuse for not being with him just got blown out of water. He was coming back, and I knew that meant he’d be in my life whether I liked it or not. I was quiet for a few seconds after he had finished making his big reveal.

“Why?” I finally asked.

“Why come back? Well, my dad is sick. I’m sure you noticed he wasn’t at the party the other day.” His dad never liked me, matter of fact, that’s the one person I have to say hates the idea of Brian and I being together more than…well more than Miranda. “His got pancreatic cancer; it’s in its final stages, and well, I want to be here for my mom when shit gets real. When she lost her first husband she was alone and now she has me. I want her to know I’ll be here for her.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. Elizabeth looked so happy, I would never have thought…” I trailed off and gazed at him. He looked so sad, I really wanted to go over and hug, him but I wasn’t sure if that was appropriate, so I reached for his hand instead.

“She’s being strong for Ntando and Gabby; she doesn’t want them to feel like things are worse than they are.” Ntando and Gabby were his younger siblings, not that much younger but younger. I hated how hurt he looked.

“I’m here for you if you need someone to talk to, you know that right?” I hadn’t realised exactly what I had said until I had said it. It caused him to look me in the eye and I think I could see a smile, but I wasn’t sure.

“You know you have always been very understanding,” he said, trying to lighten up the atmosphere.

“I guess it’s because you were easy to understand,” I said, while trying to pull my hand out of his.

“I still am,” he said, still clutching onto my hand. We looked at each other in silence for a few seconds.

“Give me a minute,” he said as he was getting up from his chair. I just looked up at him and nodded in response.

I was in way over my head. Even the voices in there had started making fun of me: ‘You know I’m here for you, right?’; ‘It’s okay Brian, come back into my life and fuck it up again.’; ‘Oh Brian, I love the way you look at me.’; ‘Oh fuck me on the table, Brian.’

“Here,” he said, brutally breaking up my train of vicious thought.

“What is it?” I asked, looking at the gift-wrapped box.

“Khail, gifts are meant to be opened.” He was being the playful Brian that had stolen my heart. FUCK! I was a goner. I opened the gift-wrap and noticed it was a long box. Clearly the box was made for a necklace; while it was still wrapped I had thought it was chocolate.

“Remember when we were younger and we used to be so in love; to be honest, I don’t know how people didn’t see how in love we were.” He shook his head to get back on track. “We were playing in your backyard, having so much fun after I had the worst exam ever. You always seemed to make the bad days seem better. You got me ice-cream as I sat by the pool, and you were such a sneaky little bugger that you had put some alcohol in the ice. I never told you I noticed because I knew you just wanted me to feel better. We spent the rest of the day goofing around; it wasn’t until you fell and ended up cutting yourself that I realised that I hated the idea of you being hurt. I wanted to take care of you and when we made it to our one-year anniversary, I just wanted you to be mine forever, and that was when I pre-proposed to you. I know we spent a year and a half away from each other, and hating each other, but I want you to know all we need is one more year together and we can get engaged.” I looked down at the necklace, and it had a beautiful ring on it. The ring was an 18ct white gold ring with two black diamonds in the middle. I looked at him puzzled, was that him proposing? Was this really happening?

“Brian, uhm –” I was going to continue, but he put a finger on my mouth and put the necklace with the ring on me.

“I know you want to say no. I know you have reservations, but I’m not saying marry me now. I’m saying here is a ring, and I want it to be on your finger eventually, but that’s all up to you. If and when you decide you want to give me…I mean, us, a second try I’ll be here; I’ll be ready to make it forever.” He had said this as he was standing over me; he lifted my head up so I could look into his eyes and placed a soft and gentle kiss on my forehead.

“Brian, I cannot – ” I started; he was going to interrupt but I shook my head at him. “I know you want to speak. But hear me out; I love you and you’ll always be my first love and probably the only man that could get the best of me, but I’m not sure about us. I’m not sure if I can do it again.”

He looked confused. “So you are giving up on us?” he asked as he walked to stand in front of me.

“No, not giving up; I’m giving in to the situation.” I tried to choose my words very wisely so it took me a few seconds to reply to him.

“And what exactly is that situation?” Brian had managed to pull his chair to where he was and sat in front of me, and holding my hand.

“You had a year and a half to do that.”

“Well, that was a year and a half away from you physically, not mentally or emotionally. I thought about you all the time; what you’d want me to do? What you’d think of the things I did? What you were doing? Who you were doing? Were the guys you were with better than me? Why didn’t you love me enough to stay? What did I do wrong for you to abandon me for a woman, one you never could love or care for? Every day would be a new question, those are like 547 questions about you never mind the thoughts I had about you. The dreams, and the times I thought people looked like you.”

“Judging by what you’re saying, you never get the time you want away from me.”

“I’ll try though. I think it started when someone other than you found me attractive enough to lay with me.”

“You know I won’t let you go easily, right? Not with my dad being sick and everything. The whole thing with my dad made me realise what’s important. Either of us could die today or tomorrow and we would’ve died having given up on love, and I don’t want that for us. Khail, I love you and I fucked up, but we can fix us. We can work on this, with me being out now, things are going to much easier –

“So, you won’t cheat on me again?”

“Never again in my life. You have to understand that, what happened had nothing to do with you. I cheated because I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t understand how I felt about you, and every time I was with my friends and colleagues they’d try hooking me up with some girl. I needed a front – okay, I didn’t need one. I was an idiot. What I needed to do was to come clean and tell everyone I was with you, but I didn’t. I never meant for her and I to go that far, I thought… I don’t know what I thought. Don’t think I’m just saying all of this, I mean this, Khail. You learn a lot from listening to your parents and having to be without the one thing you love, and trying to find replacements that will never amount to anything.” He leaned in closer to me and our foreheads were pressed up against each other, and he smiled at me. He had a devilish smile: that smile is what got me in this mess in the first place.

“Have you ever thought that maybe you and I aren’t meant to be? Maybe we got together and were beautiful together, but are not ‘right’ for each other. I don’t know, sometimes I feel like I can love you with all my heart, but every time I think of being with you, it hurts. I cannot see past the resentment. I keep trying to imagine you and me down the road in love all over again, but then I see an image of someone more attractive than me, then I feel myself panic because my mind starts to think you’ll leave me for them...” I trailed off; I had a lump in my throat. If I spoke anymore I’d burst out in tears.

“I did once, but then I heard the story about my mom and the man she loved before my dad. They never gave up on their love until death interfered. I’m not the type to do the whole I’d die without you thing, and I won’t do it, but I want you to know that you mean so much to me. The fact that I threw us away so easily hurts me, and that was part of my anger. How could you still have wanted to talk to me after I did what I did to you? How could I have been so stupid to allow what everyone else thought come in between us? I wasn’t so much angry at you, more so, I was angry at me for letting you go and not understanding our love. I learnt so much over the past year and a half, and that’s why I’m confident I’ll never cheat on you again. That’s why I know we can be together again, but I cannot force this on you. I know I hurt you, and I will do everything I can to make sure you know that I’m ready for us. Ready to be the man you’ve needed me to be for you.”

“I think I need the bathroom.” I got up and started to walk over to the restroom, but before I left, I stopped, and turned around to look at him watching me. “Before that, I need us to be sure that you said the rules were no fighting, screaming, and no lying.” He nodded in agreement, and as soon as that was done, I walked over to the bathroom. I ran the tap and watched myself cry in the mirror. It was a silent cry, but still I didn’t want him to think I was crying. I washed my face, shut the tap off, and dried my face before walking out of the bathroom.

“Would you like anything else to drink?” Brian asked as I sat down in front of him.

“No, I’m driving,” I replied solemnly.

“OH.” The disappointment was evident. “Do you think I’m wrong for wanting you in my life again?” I just looked at him once; he had asked that question. This was like one of those exam questions that you got when you had only studied half of your work, and then boom, out of nowhere your lecturer asks you about something you didn’t study or expect. No matter what you answer, you are screwed.

“I think you have every right to want me back,” I answered, knowing I had not really answered him.

“You didn’t answer me, Khail,” he said, raising my face up to meet his gaze.

“You aren’t wrong.” I was avoiding eye contact with him again.

“Khail?” I looked into his eyes and held his gaze. “All I want to know is that I have a chance, I want to know that you want there to be an ‘us’ too.” His voice was so sincere, and I just didn’t know what I wanted.

“Brian, I don’t know what you want me to say. Just a few hours ago I was bawling in tears, depressed as hell, and before that I was busy trying to numb the pain anyway I knew how. Now here you are telling me you want a chance after you threw us away for a girl who…” I stopped myself before I could say something that could’ve started a fight. Up until this point, everything was being said with sincerity, passion and no hostility. If I were to finish that sentence, that would’ve changed.

“Who what?” he asked intrigued; I guess he caught the last part.

“You said no fighting,” I stated as I looked down and fiddled with my fingers.

“We aren’t fighting –” he said, but he noticed the look I gave him.

I interrupted as he was going to continue. “You know 'she' always causes a fight.”

“We're trying to move on, so come on, talk to me. If I get angry and we fight then clearly she’s a factor and you shouldn’t even think of giving me a second chance.” There was logic in this man, somewhere there was logic.

“After you told me about you and her I was so mad, so very mad at you, I wanted to hurt you as much as you hurt me. So I hired a private investigator to tail you so he could find out who you were seeing, then tail her and dig any and everything up on her.” I stopped to look at him for a minute, now it was my turn to hold his hand. “After the Sunday lunch at your uncle’s place when you came with her and I outted you… Well let’s just say it was enough to send her somewhere so she could abort what tied you and her together. The only reason she ended up in hospital and said it was a miscarriage was because there was some form of complication with the abortion. The investigator I had hired had hacked into the abortion clinic’s server and got her patient folder and details. I have them in my safe at home. I had the ultimate weapon to hurt you, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bring myself to forward all that information to you.” I sat there and looked at him, it had gotten quiet and he had his head down. I guess it was a lot to take in. We were silent for a good minute or so.

“I remember how you broke the news to everyone at lunch. My uncle, Themba, had just asked how long she and I had been together. I remember looking at you when I replied, but you were in your own little world – cutting your steak into small triangles. Then I made the mistake of answering, and I remember the laugh you let out that day; it was something I had never heard from you. It was a dark sarcastic laugh that was filled with hurt, resentment and betrayal. Then once you were sure everyone was looking at you – you still had your head down cutting your meat – you finally lifted your head and looked at me for the first time that day. ‘Let me get this right, for the past eight months, while I’ve been planning our six-year anniversary, you been busy getting some skank pregnant? Is that what us being together for the past six years means to you?’ You then got up and left. I remember thinking how the hell could you say that, but never once did I think about her. All I thought about was me, and how my family would take it. I guess what I’m trying to say is, she meant nothing to me. She was just a casualty of war and so was that baby. I would’ve loved to have had one, I still want one, but I don’t think having had it with her would’ve been ‘right.'" I looked at him once he was done talking; I honestly had been at a loss for words.

“If you didn’t care for her, then why give us up? Why not ask her to see reason before I found out?” I think I was more shocked than he was by the question.

“I wanted to prove to myself that I was straight. I told you I wasn’t sure of who I was back then. I needed you to drag me out of the closet so I could confront my fears and not hide behind the 'norm' that I wasn’t part of.”

“Brian, do you mind just holding me for a minute?” The voices in my head started screaming and cursing at me not to do it, but my treachery was my own doing. I had no confidence in myself. I got up so I could welcome the embrace.

“Mind me asking why?” he asked as he wrapped his arms around my waist, it was a tight hold but not so tight that it would hurt. Tight enough for me to feel warm and comfortable, it was something I missed.

“I haven’t had this in a while. I just want to feel safe.”

“You’ll always be safe in my arms; all you have to do is come back to me.”

“I can’t do that now, maybe later, but not now. I just need to discover myself; you took your time, now allow me the same. That’s all I ask. If it’s really meant to be then we will be.” That was my answer, which was all I was going to say about the matter.

“I understand. Now can I ask you for something?” he said pulling me away from him so he could look me in the eyes.

“Anything you want,” I said, but I knew that I’d probably say no. Clearly he knew that too, because he didn’t ask anything, he just leaned in for a kiss. He kissed me gently and with so much passion. The kiss wasn’t hurried, hungry or lustful. It was a pure kiss that brought my heart alive. It reminded me of our first kiss, but this time it was magnified because we weren’t hiding out in the back of his dad’s car. We broke the kiss up and he pulled away from me slightly, by slightly I mean if either of us were to move their head a smidge, then we’d be kissing again.

“You can’t leave me Khail. I’m not over you, I want you to be mine,” he whispered so softly and he leaned in to kiss me again. But before he kissed me I could see his eyes tearing up. We kissed and then he pulled back and told me he wanted to get dessert ready, we hadn’t even finished dinner. I hadn’t even touched my dinner; he cleared the table and walked off to the kitchen while I walked off to the lounge and looked through his cd collection. I found an album I hadn’t listened to in a long time and played it. I sat there waiting for him, once he came back he handed me my dessert and motioned for me to move up. We sat on his sofa, just catching up and listening to music.

That’s all that happened on Sunday. So whether Brian and I get back together is up to fate.

Thank you for reading :) AC Benus, I owe you big time for all your efforts :)