Extra Innings - 10. Chapter 10

I couldn’t understand what Devin was telling me. Of course, I understood the implications and the understanding that he had done something on campus, but I couldn’t understand why he would do so. That wasn’t who he was, and I have a hard time believing that he changed that much in just a few months, or that college had changed him that much. So the only two options left were that he was always like that and hid it from me, or that the other person was to blame and he was a victim of some kind. Still didn’t put Devin in a good perspective, but at least one was triggering me to be sympathetic instead of angrier than I already was at him.

I didn’t regret banishing him from my house yesterday, he deserved to know that he had screwed up badly, and I wanted to have the afternoon to myself so I could pretend for Mother that everything was alright. Thankfully, she was starting to retreat back into being her usual distant self, so she didn’t pick up on the fact that I wasn’t doing well and that I was distracted all through the Thanksgiving meal.

Of course, she had her hands full. All of the family from the area came to visit, so I had older family members to talk to and be interrogated by about my schooling and what kind of career I’d want. Naturally, at the tender age of fifteen I knew exactly what I wanted to be, or at least that seemed to be the thinking of the family elders. I knew what the practiced, expected answers were and recited them by rote memory, knowing full well that I had no interest in doing anything along the lines of medicine. Beyond that, I didn’t know, but it was all an exercise in faking normalcy for the sake of not being interrogated about the things that were actually bothering me.

Ironically, those same relatives were what spared me from any potential questioning by my mother later in the evening; everyone stayed quite late and I was able to feign exhaustion and head to my room as soon as everyone had left our home. I wasn’t sleeping, but I couldn’t turn on any lights or do anything productive, so I lay awake in my bed thinking about Devin. I needed to know, to figure out just what he did and why he did it, and then I could make a logical decision about what to do from there.

I unplugged my phone and sent a quick text to Devin, knowing that he wasn’t likely to read it until tomorrow at this point in the night. That was fine, I needed some time away from him so that I could figure out just what I was supposed to do or say, or what any of this all means.

I thought about staying up a bit longer, just in case he did send a message back. But I wasn’t ready to hear from him, I knew that I would get angry with him, and that wasn’t going to help him explain why he was messing around with this guy he found in college. I thought we were more important than just the physical aspects of a relationship that he wouldn’t want to cheat on me. Then again, he hadn’t been texting me too much lately, and while I knew he’d be busy with school stuff and his baseball, I thought he’d at least have a bit of time to contact me and see how I was doing; he hadn’t done that nearly as often as he did while he was in Colfax or even the first couple weeks of classes. Before Thanksgiving, it was really rare that he contacted me at all actually. I didn’t want to think about what that meant, so I turned out the lights and tucked myself into bed.

I woke up sweating, even though it was cold outside and the house itself wasn’t very warm. When I checked the alarm clock, I was disappointed to see that it was only six in the morning. I considered going back to sleep, I felt tired and stifled a yawn as I consdered what to do. It would be a long time before Mother or anyone else woke up, and I didn’t think I would be able to go back to sleep, so I gathered up my clothes and trekked to the washroom to have a quick morning shower. I don’t know why I was getting my day started this early, I just didn’t want to stay in last night’s pajamas and thought that maybe a shower would make me feel a little better than I did.

The hot water splashed against the tile floor of the bathtub as I removed my clothes and placed them on the floor next to the tub. The rest of the clothes I had been planning to wear were folded and placed on the bathroom counter for me to change into. When I stepped into the bath, the water scalded me slightly and I scaled back the temperature slightly to give myself a chance to adjust. When the water was comfortable, I lathered myself up and rised the soap and shampoo from my body, wanting to quickly get things done and get myself ready for the day.

As I put on the flannel shirt and dark grey jeans I chose for myself today, I thought about what I could do now that I was up so early. Mother would want me to eat breakfast with her, and I didn’t want to just sit in my room, so I decided I would go for a walk and see where I could go in town before I had to be back home for breakfast.

I wrote a short note to Mother, just in case she woke up before I got home and was wondering where I had gone. I grabbed my shoes and walked out the door, making sure to lock it behind me. Once I had gotten out the door and quietly opened and closed the gate behind me, I thought about where I could go. There wasn’t anywhere that would be open at this hour on a Sunday, but I could walk to the park and then head back. That’d take about as long as it would take for Mother to wake up, and I’d be pretty awake at that point too, I’m sure.

I started on the walk down to the park. I wasn’t walking too quickly, so I figured it’d take about half an hour or so to get to the park, and then I could relax for a few minutes before I made my way back. I probably should have brought some water or something with me because I didn’t walk around this far that much, and I was going to get tired. At elast it was shady under all of the trees along the side of the road, and the fact that it wasn’t too late in the day helped keep it cool.

I didn’t want to go home quite yet, so I slowed up a bit as I approached the park. When I looked down at my watch, I noticed it was only half past seven, so I had a long time left before Mother would wake up. I didn’t want to head home, and there wasn’t anyone around that I could so, so I went to go walk around the park. I didn’t want to go anywhere near the baseball diamond though, that’d remind me too much of Devin, so I walked in the opposite direction towards the children’s playground.

As I was looking around, I saw someone start running around the baseball diamond and heading towards me. The person was too far away to see right now, so I didn’t think about them and I’d check again in a couple of minutes when they were closer, so that I could make sure I was out of the way. The only thing I could tell was that the person was wearing shorts and a blue t-shirt. The T-shirt looked like it had a sports logo on it. As the person got closer I could make out more of the details of the person.

Oh, no. That’s not good. It’s Devin. I forgot! He goes on those silly runs of his every day in the morning because it’s how he stays in shape! Maybe if I find somewhere to hide he won’t see me, and we won’t have to have an awkward conversation.

I looked around, trying to find somewhere that I could hide, but there weren’t any trees in the area and no buildings I could duck into. Besides, it was too late. He was looking right at me and it seemed pretty clear that he had seen me, considering the blank look on his face. He was trying really hard to make his face look neutral and uninterested in the fact that he just found me, but as he started closing I could tell that he was trying to figure out what he should do in this situation. So was I.

I stopped myself and waited for him to approach me, figuring that if he kept going then it was a sign that we weren’t going to have a conversation. But I wanted him to be the one to make that decision, and I was going to stay here and wait to see what he did. Sure enough, as he got closer he didn’t look like he was slowing down, and I quietly heaved a resigned sigh. Devin wouldn’t even talk to me when he saw me. That meant this was a serious problem.

I waved at him and called out “Devin, stop! Are you just going to ignore me?”

Devin slowed down and turned to face me. His face was clouded over and I couldn’t read his emotions. There was a glint of something, pain or maybe sorrow, in his eyes when I got a moment to look at him properly. I wish he’d explain to me what happened. He had to know by now that I valued the truth, even if it hurt to hear it. I had to know. I didn’t let him explain last night, but I needed to know what he did and why he did it.

Devin pulled his earbuds out so that we could talk. “What do you want now Alex? Are you here to yell at me some more? I tried to apologize and you didn’t even give me a chance.”

He was right. I threw him out as soon as he said sorry and didn’t give him a chance to explain himself. That wasn’t a smart decision of me, no matter how upset I had been about it. It would have been better for me to let him explain himself and then respond, but I didn’t. At least now I had another chance for that.

“We need to talk, Devin. You better believe I want to know all about what happened, and why you thought it was okay to do any of it. I thought we were worth more than that and mattered more than just some physical entertainment.”

“I tried to do that yesterday” he retorted, “The only thing I got for my troubles were you throwing my ass out. Maybe you should have thought of talking to me yesterday instead of having a gut reaction, and maybe you should have thought that right now is not a good time.”

Devin gestured around us. “Look around Alex. This is the middle of the park. You really think this is the time or place to talk about our relationship? It’s not. You used to know that and understood that it could be bad to talk about things so openly.”

My face heated up and must have been tinged red with the flush I was feeling. That wasn’t fair. Devin wasn’t being fair. He damaged the relationship, and now he was yelling at me for being insensitive and foolish. This wasn’t right! He should be apologizing, not acting like I’m the one that’s done something wrong.

“Devin!” I yelled. “How can you be such a dick? You’re the one who was cheating on me. Or did you forget about Bryce or whatever his name is as quickly as you forgot you were supposed to be faithful to me?”

Leaning forward, he reached out with his arms and pushed me back a step. I rushed forward to push him , but time Devin was ready and he grabbed my arms to stop me from pushing him again. He was breathing hard, eyes narrowed and glaring at me as he held my arms back. I was breathing hard and fast, trying to break his grip so I could lash out again.

“You… you pushed me! What the hell Devin.” I gasped out. “What the hell is going on? It’s like you’re not even the same person that you were before. I thought you were a better person than this, but all you’ve done since you went to college is get more distant with me, and now it’s like you don’t even care about how awful you’ve treated me.”

I pulled my hands away, feeling tears track down my face. I didn’t want him to see me like this, but he had to know that this wasn’t acceptable and I wouldn’t tolerate this. I turned away from him.

“I thought you were better than this. It’s pretty clear that you’re not though. You didn’t apologize, you didn’t even try to explain it. Instead you got on my case about something completely unrelated to our problem. I wanted things to work, but it looks like I’m the only one. Good bye Devin. Don’t worry about coming back to see me, you’re obviously happier not being around me.”

I ran back the way I was facing as fast as I could, not giving Devin a chance to do anything but watch me leave. I knew he could catch me if he wanted to, but I was glad when I turned back and he had already left, probably to head back to his house and whatever he was going to do with himself from then on. I was glad, but also disappointed; I thought he might make one last attempt to make things right. But he didn’t, so I guess I was right that he didn’t care anymore.

I ran partway home, not even thinking about how out of shape I was and how tired I’d be when I stopped running. My legs burned as I pumped them harder, trying to put as much distance as I could between myself and where I last saw Devin.

When I realized that he wasn’t chasing me, I slowed down, and eventually stopped to catch my breath. This was it, I realized; I just broke up with Devin.

It sounded so bad to say that in my head, but he really wasn’t the person It hought he was. Or maybe college changed him, and he wasn’t the guy I thought he was in high school any longer. Either way, he wasn’t the kind of person I wanted if he was going to cheat on me the first chance he got.

He wasn’t what I thought he’d be. But then, that’s the problem isn’t it? I never really knew anything about how he’d act as a boyfriend. All the dating he did with girls wasn’t something I thought about, because I figured that was just an act he did to keep up apperances and it wasn’t how he’d actually act once he was in a relationship with someone he was actually interested in.

Once I caught my breath, I continued on my walk home. The fight with Devin took more out of me than I thought, and when I got home I was sweating and exhausted. I didn’t even notice when Mother called me for breakfast, and instead fell back on my bed and fell asleep.

It was after lunch when Mother was finally able to rouse me from my sleep. I didn’t realize that I’d been asleep that long, but the sad, disapproving look on her face when I opened my eyes let me know that I had at least missed breakfast with her. I sat up in my bed and waited for her to tell me off for what I’d done. Mother sat down on the bed next to me and looked at me. When she spoke, her voice was kept carefully neutral.

“You missed breakfast and lunch. Do I want to know where you were this morning, and why it exhausted you so much that you missed two meals and even most of my attempts to wake you up?”

“If I said I went for a walk, would you believe that?” I replied.

“A walk is one thing, but you didn’t even say hello to me when you got back home. What happened on this walk to make you into an irritable, depressed teenager?”

I debated on whether or not I should give her an angry response to her question. Couldn’t she see that I was upset and wanted to be left alone? I didn’t even know if I wanted to talk about it right now, it was still a raw emotional wound and I didn’t think telling my mother that Devin and I just broke up, and especially why we broke up, was going to make me feel any better. It also wasn’t going to accomplish anything, except to make me feel worse about it and have Mother say things that won’t help me.

“I saw Devin. Okay?” I snapped at her. “Yesterday I saw him and he told me that he was cheating on me with some guy at the college he goes to. He didn’t explain himself, and then this morning I saw him and we had another fight about it. I don’t want to see him again.”

To my surprise, Mother didn’t say a word. She looked at me sadly and rubbed my back before standing up to leave the room. As she got to the doorway, she looked back at me.

“I’ll bring some food up in a little while. You shouldn’t starve to death, even if you do feel miserable about what happens. I know you won’t want to, but if you want to talk, you know you can come find me, right? You may not believe me, but I’m on your side.”

I nodded at her and watched her leave, before laying back down and burying my head under the covers. I didn’t want to think or do anything right now. It felt good to hide and let the world pass me by until I could stop thinking about Devin and what he’d done. I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that he went on cheated on me. It wasn’t like I was his first, thanks to Sean, and he probably did at least some fooling around with one of his old girlfriends, but I thought that I was going to be special and more important than just some sexual need. He was my first, and maybe I should have waited instead of giving him that special moment.

When Mother came up later on with some food, she left it on my desk and closed the door behind her. I walked over to the desk to see what she had made for me. Mother had made my favourite chicken noodle soup; she only ever made that when I was feeling sick or upset about something. I was about to eat it when I received a text message on my phone, which I’d left on my desk. The text was from Devin.

‘I’m leaving for Whitman. Good bye, and I’m sorry.’

I froze in place and stared at my phone. He really thought that was going to be good enough to make things right? Even after yesterday and this morning, he didn’t seem to understand how what he did hurts, and how much it was bothering me that he couldn’t even remain faithful to me. I slammed my phone back onto my desk and turned towards my lunch. I wasn’t hungry anymore.

I brought the soup back to the kitchen and went back to my room. This time I was sure that I wasn’t going to be doing anything; I changed back into my pajamas, crawled under the covers and tried to fall back to sleep. It took a long time for me to doze off, my thoughts kept drifting back to all the memories I had with Devin, and how none of them mattered anymore because of what happened this weekend.

I slept in fits and didn’t wake up until morning.