die catfish, die. - 10. joseph

Stuttering, cold and damp
Steal the warm wind tired friend
Times are gone for honest men
And sometimes far too long for snakes

In my shoes, a walking sleep
And my youth I pray to keep
Heaven sent hell away
No one sings like you anymore

_{SOUNDGARDEN – BLACK HOLE SUN (1994)}

* * * * *

It wasn’t even summer yet, and the weather was the sort of hot that made a person feel like their skin was being pulled tight against their skull. Eli could feel his skin being singed as he walked down the sidewalk, and for a moment, he regretted wearing a tank-top. He wondered if the sun was getting closer to the Earth—just to fuck with him.

Eli pushed his hair to the side and scratched his neck. He knew that if he didn’t find shade—or sunscreen—soon, by the end of the day, his skin would probably look like a fried chicharrón.

As he rounded the shallow arc of the street, he could see Chase pushing an old lawn mower in his front yard. He wore only shorts and sneakers, his skin glistening and shimmering in the daylight, shoes stained green from wading through fresh grass clippings. A heather-gray tee-shirt hung from his back pocket.

His little brother sat on the other side of the driveway, pulling dandelions out of the pea-gravel; he wiped his forehead with his arm and tossed one of the weeds to a nearby pile.

Eli stopped at the bottom of the driveway and watched Chase mow down the last strip of grass.

Chase killed the motor and glanced back at his brother, pointing toward the garage. “Chet! Go grab the rakes and help me get this picked up.”

Chet glanced at Chase, then stared at Eli. “Mom said no friends over when she’s not home.”

Chase turned and locked eyes with Eli. “I know she did. We’re not going inside.” He glanced back at his brother. “Go get the rakes. Hurry up.”

Chet shot to his feet and ran around the house.

Chase walked across the lawn. Yanking the shirt from his pocket, he wiped it across his face and stopped two feet from Eli and smiled. “Hey.”

Eli smirked back. “Hi.” He could smell the exhaust fumes, the grass, a hint of body odor, all of which followed Chase across the yard. All of which slightly turned Eli on.

“What’s up?”

“Are we, uh, going to talk about what happened Sunday night?”

“What do you mean?”

Eli smacked a gnat that landed on his arm. “Well, Age of Ultron, you get pissed and go to bed, then you wake up like nothing even happened.”

Chase cocked his head. “You broke the rules.”

“Bullshit,” Eli said softly. “You never said anything about that.”

Chase shook his head and lifted a shoulder.

“Draw, then,” Eli mumbled.

“Whatever.”

“Look, if you want to—”

“Shhh! Not here.”

“Yes, here.” Eli glanced up at him. “I was going to say no more games. No little challenges.” He leaned in and talked softly. “If we do something and you don’t like it, fuckin’ tell me instead of getting pissed.”

Chase glanced around the yard. “I’m taking my little brother swimming this afternoon. You should come with us. It’s free on Tuesdays for anyone under eighteen.”

“You never answered me.”

He stared back.

“Well?”

“Okay, fine. Whatever. Are you coming swimming with us?”

* * * * *

Eli hadn’t been to the pool in several years. He walked shoulder to shoulder with Chase along the deck of the indoor pool, toward the diving well; this was one of the few pools in the ‘burbs which still had diving boards. Chet had run off with several of his friends, and Eli was glad they didn’t have to babysit all day.

Chase stepped up onto one of the diving boards. He took a running leap off the end and did a messy flip, almost landing on his back. He came back to the surface and wiped the water out of his face, grinning up at Eli who was waiting on the deck. “Bet you can’t do that.”

Eli glanced at the diving board and shrugged. “Do I have to do a back-flop? Those hurt.”

Chase splashed water at him; Eli jumped back. “Not like you could do any better.”

“It’s been a while since I’ve been swimming,” Eli said.

“Excuses, excuses.”

Eli padded to the diving board and stood on the platform. He glanced around the sides, and pushed his foot around the fulcrum wheel to move it forward a bit; someone had set it all the way back. He stood three quarters of the way back, lined his big toes up, and stood with his shoulders back, hands at his sides, feet together.

Chase cupped his hands around his mouth. “Quit stalling!”

Eli shot him a dirty look.

He rolled out his shoulders, and took a deep breath. Carefully, he stepped along the board, toes slightly pointed as he went, and he used his arms to help him get some air on the jump. The board pushed him high into the air. He brought his feet up in front of him the best he could—he wasn’t as flexible as he was when he was younger—and executed an okay-feeling back-pike dive. Going into the water, Eli could feel his feet going off to the side a bit.

He came back to the surface. “Sorry, I messed up the back-flop. My legs were too far over my head.”

Chase stared at him. “You never told me you were a diver.”

Eli swam to the side. “Mom would never let me be a diver. I could probably take five or six dives before I have to sit out and catch my breath.”

“How did you get so damn good at it, then?”

“I used to come to the pool all the time. I used to watch the diving team whenever they’d practice, and I would try what some of the beginners were doing the next day. I kept messing up, and one day one of the lifeguards gave me a few pointers.

“I just kept practicing and practicing. By the end of the summer I was decent, but not great. The diving coach saw me doing a few dives and asked if I wanted to be on the team. I asked Mom, she flipped out that I was diving, and didn’t let me go back to the pool for the rest of the summer.”

Chase sat down on the side of the pool with Eli. “That sucks. I think you would have been good at it.”

“Would have been fun to try.” The thought of being good at something, at a sport, put a warm ember in Eli’s heart. He wondered if he might be able to talk his mother into it, now that he was older.

“Why don’t you join the high school team next year? You know, practice here until they start.”

“It’s that whole Mom thing,” Eli replied, keeping his hopes in check.

Chase knocked him in the arm. “What, afraid to be seen in a Speedo?”

“Why would I be?”

“Oh, yeah. You like to be naked.”

Eli glared at him. “Don’t be a dick.”

“Well, you know…”

Eli sighed.

“Do another one, something different.”

“I guess,” Eli said with a shrug. He walked around the deck and stood behind the board, waiting for another kid to jump off. After the kid had gone, he pulled himself up onto the board and looked over to Chase. “Reverse 1.5 somersault with 1.5 twist?”

Chase’s eyes glossed over. “I don’t even know what that is.”

Eli nodded. He made his approach, and at the height of the jump, body rigid, his head went back toward the board and feet went straight up, the whole time spinning around his long axis. Once his feet were below him again, and he was facing the board, he bent at the waist, snapped his feet toward the ceiling, and went headfirst into the water.

He swam to the side and pushed himself out, hugging his arms together as he stood next to Chase. “Messed that one up.”

“Better than I could do.” He scoffed. “Shit.”

Eli shook out his hair and glanced around the pool; across the deck he spotted Tau. “Huh.”

“What?”

“It’s that Tau kid.” Eli pointed. “Over there.”

“Who?”

“Tau. He got into a fight with Adelae’s twin sister about his name.”

Chase nodded once. “That chick will fight anyone about anything.” His eyes darted around. “Who the hell swims with a tee-shirt on in the middle of the summer?”

Eli glanced over at Tau. “So what if he does?”

“Only fat people do that.”

“What if it’s, like, skin cancer or something?”

“Don’t be a pleeb.” Chase lightly backhanded Eli in the chest.

“Okay, ding-dong.” Eli hesitated. “He probably has his reasons. We should see if he wants to hang out.”

“Why?”

“He looks bored.” Eli shook his head slightly. “You know you can hang out with more than one person at a time, right?”

Chase’s face reddened. “Dude, whatever.”

Leading the way, Eli walked across the deck toward the shallow end, constructing what he might say once he got there; talking to new people had never been his forte. He stopped in front of Tau. “Hey.”

Tau glanced up at him. “Um, hi?”

“You’re Tau, right?”

“Do I know you?”

“See?” Chase said. “He doesn’t want to hang out. Let’s leave him alone.”

Eli shot Chase a dirty glance. “Number nineteen,” Eli said to Tau.

Tau’s shoulders drooped a bit. “You saw that?” He stared at Eli blankly, his hair pressed flat to his head probably from wearing his knit hat.

“Sorry. I’m Eli.” He pointed at Chase. “And this is Captain Tuna Pants.”

Chase punched Eli in the arm. “Hey!”

Tau smirked. “Captain Tuna Pants?”

“That’s Chase Tuna Pants to you,” he said to Tau.

Eli laughed. “You looked a little bored. Just wondering if you wanted to hang out or something.”

“Okay, I guess.” Tau shrugged. “I’m not really a fan of the water, though.”

Chase furrowed his brow. “Why are you at the pool, then?”

“Watching number twenty-three,” he said, glancing at Eli.

“What?” Chase asked.

Eli glanced back. “He has a younger brother or sister.”

“How do you know?” Chase said.

“Nineteen, remember?”

“Shit. I’m so lost right now.”

Tau stood up. “Brother.” He pointed across the water at a group of kids. Chet was with the group, dunking another kid. “The one that just got dunked.”

“My little brother just dunked yours,” Chase said off-handedly.

“So you don’t swim?” Eli asked Tau.

Tau shook his head and flashed a very slight smile. “I just watch.”

Eli searched his soulful brown eyes. “I, um… I have asthma. I don’t swim much, either.”

“We were just diving,” Chase commented.

“Like, real diving or messing around?” Tau asked.

Chase hitched his thumb at Eli. “He’s a real diver. I just goof around.”

Eli turned around to face his friend. “I’m not a diver.”

“Yes, you are. Seriously.” He held his hand out to Tau. “Show him.”

“Pshh,” Eli hissed.

Tau glanced back and forth between them.

“Just show him,” Chase said.

Eli looked over at Tau. “Up to you, I guess.”

Tau shrugged. “I’m not getting in,” he said.

Together, the three of them walked across the deck to the diving area, the hot air from outside wafting inside, hitting them like a fire.

Eli positioned himself on the board, giving the boys a glance.

Chase nodded him on.

With a good jump, Eli did another reverse pike. When he came to the surface, he could hear Chase telling Tau, “…and he said he was never on a diving team.”

“No way.”

“No, seriously!”

Eli splashed water up at them. “Shush. Both of you.” He pulled himself out of the pool.

“Can you do something off the high-dive?” Tau asked.

Nervously, Eli glanced over at the three-meter board. “It’s been a while.”

“You should do something,” Chase said.

Eli walked around the pool and took up position behind the board, waiting for someone to take their jump.

“Not that one!” Chase called. “The other high-dive.”

Skin tingling, Eli glanced up at the 7-meter platform. “I haven’t gone off the platform,” he called back to Chase.

“Do that one!”

“No!”

“Eli, dude, don’t be a chicken.”

“Asshole,” Eli said under his breath as he cut out of line and started up the steps beside the platform. For a moment, he wondered what dive he might do, what he could do without killing himself at the bottom. He walked to the edge and peered over; it was way higher up than it seemed from the ground. Face red, adrenalin pumping, he stood at the edge facing the pool, and pulled his hands down his face.

Carefully, he lined up his toes to the edge of the platform. After rolling his shoulders, he held his arms overhead in a V, took a jump, and did a double-front flip. The skin of his palms burned as they hit the surface with a slap. As he entered the water, his body seemed to jitter around, and water gushed up his nose. To slow down under water, he opened his arms and did a flip so he’d hit the bottom with his feet. He was a little deeper than he’d thought he was, and instead of touching the bottom of the pool with his feet, he hit the bottom with his butt, the sudden impact wracking his bones.

He pushed off the bottom, and came to the surface sputtering and coughing. Somehow, Eli had managed to make it to the side. He sat in the gutter, sinuses burning, throat on fire.

Chase patted him on the back. “You okay?”

Eli could feel his airways starting to close off. With all his energy, he stood and walked to the bench where he’d left his towel. He lifted it and removed his inhaler from its hiding spot. After a hit, he coughed several more times and took a big breath. “Shit,” he wheezed.

“At least the dive looked badass,” Chase said with a slight giggle. “You sure you’re okay? Your face is all red.”

Eli gave him a thumbs up. “Fine,” he said, between coughs.

“I’m going off the board a few times.”

Eli nodded. He pulled his towel around his shoulders, and sat on the bench next to Tau.

“You need me to call someone? Sounds like you took in a lot of water.” He had concern written all over his face.

“No, I’m good. This happens sometimes. I just need to sit it out for ten minutes or so.”

Tau nodded.

Chase went off the board several times—the first, trying to do an approach and dive like Eli had. When that failed miserably, he went back to his haphazard display of flips and belly flops.

“What are you doing later?” Eli asked.

Tau stared at him. “After I take my brother home? I haven’t thought about it. Might read. Might play around with some music or something. I don’t know.” He grinned at Eli, not in a way Eli thought flirty, but in a way that Tau looked relieved he wasn’t going to have to watch Eli die on the pool deck.

“I think Chase and I are going to hang out and play video games or something.” Eli was convinced that the or something probably wouldn’t happen again, seeing how Chase acted last time Eli or-something’ed Chase. “If you want, you should come.”

* * * * *

Eli hit the doorbell and waited.

After a moment, the door swung open, and Chase leaned against the frame. He crossed his arms. “Hey,” he said.

Eli nodded a greeting. “Hey. I know you’re not supposed to have anyone over when your mom’s not home. Wondering if we could talk out here or something.”

Chase shrugged. “My mom’s off on Fridays.” He pushed the screen door open. “You can come in.”

“You sure?”

Chase nodded and stepped back. “You want something to drink?”

“I’m fine.”

Chase stopped at the bottom of the steps going to the upstairs bedrooms. “Mom! Eli’s here. We’re going to hang out in my room.”

She leaned out of her bedroom, folding a towel. “That’s fine,” she said. “Yell at Chet and tell him he needs to come inside and finish cleaning his room.”

“Okay.” He turned toward Eli. “Why don’t you wait in my room for a minute. I just need to run to the backyard and get Chet.”

Eli smiled. “Sure.” He walked down the steps into the basement and went into Chase’s room. Glancing around, he sat down on the bed and examined the posters on the wall.

A black scrap of fabric under Chase’s pillow caught Eli’s attention. Gingerly, he lifted the pillow for a better look. It was a stained, ratty old tee-shirt; Eli had just discovered Chase’s spoof rag.

One of the stairs coming into the basement creaked. Eli dropped the pillow and folded his hands in his lap.

“What’s up?” Chase asked as he came into his room.

Eli stood and shrugged. He walked across the room and stopped in front of a shelf on the wall. He plucked a small trophy from its spot and looked it over in his hands. “You seemed a little moody on Tuesday night.”

Chase threw himself stomach-first onto the bed. “I did?”

Eli glanced over his shoulder. “Yeah.”

“Sorry.”

“You were in wrestling?” Eli held up the trophy, then put it back on its spot on the shelf.

“When I was seven or so. I wasn’t good at it.”

“Bull. That’s a first-place trophy.” He glanced back at it, then back to Chase.

“I wasn’t good at it.”

“Dude, you’ve been pissy for the last few days,” Eli said quietly. “Was it because I invited Tau to hang out with us?”

Chase rubbed his face against his shoulder and turned his head toward Eli, hugging a pillow underneath him. “I was hoping we’d have a little time together before spring break ended,” he said, almost whispering.

“We could have done something on Wednesday or Thursday,” Eli said.

“Mom probably wouldn’t have let me, since we hung out on Tuesday. She’s strange like that.”

“How about you spend the night again?” Eli suggested, the thought stirring up a flurry of butterflies in his stomach.

“I’ll ask and see.” Chase rolled over and sat on the edge of the bed. “Just you and me?”

Eli sat down next to him. “Yeah.”

They stared into each other’s eyes, Chase seeming to inch closer and closer.

“Chase, Joey’s here,” Chet yelled from upstairs.

Chase jerked back and pushed Eli to his feet, shoving him into the closet. He held a finger to his lips as he slid the doors shut.

As Eli peered through the slots, he could hear heavy footsteps coming down the stairs.

Chase turned toward the door. “You’re back.”

“Yeah. Florida was cool. Probably better than being stuck at home with some lame-ass brother.”

Chase scratched his face. “Yeah, well, you know. Glad you had fun.”

“We got to do all sorts of cool shit. We were at Universal Studios for a day. Did a dolphin swim thing. Did you know they have a SeaWorld in Orlando?” He turned around and stared at Chase, who was looking the other way. Joey reached forward and smacked Chase on the arm. “What’s wrong? Aren’t you glad I’m back?”

“No, I am. I was just in the middle of something.”

Joey turned and walked to Chase’s desk. He started rifling through a stack of papers. “What did you do all week?”

“Pretty much watched my brother. Went to the pool once or twice.”

Joey held up his hands and waved them around. “Woo hoo.” He turned and sat against the desk. “That little gay-wad still bothering you?”

Chase shook his head. “No.”

Eli’s cheeks burnt.

Joey nodded his head to the side. “Come on. I’ve got some shit I wanna do.”

“I can’t. I have to watch my brother tomorrow. And I still have some things to get done around here.”

Joey shrugged. “So? Do them later.”

“Dude, no. I can’t.”

Joey took two steps and slapped Chase across the face, hard enough that Chase’s head snapped around toward the closet; he seemed to be staring right at Eli.

Eli flinched and held a hand over his mouth.

Joey pointed a finger. “You don’t say no to me.”

Chase didn’t move. He bit his bottom lip and said, “My mother is making me watch Chet. I can’t.”

Joey wrapped his fingers around Chase’s face and pulled his head around, seemingly pushing his fingernails into Chase’s flesh. “You can, and you will. I’m your only real friend. It would suck for you if I suddenly found a better friend to hang with. Wouldn’t it?”

Chase tried to pull away from Joey’s grasp.

Joey put his hand on top of Chase’s head. “You’re staying over tonight. There’s something I want to do, and I need you for it.”

“I told you I don’t—”

Joey grabbed a clod of Chase’s hair and yanked his head back. “What was that?”

Chase sighed deeply and closed his eyes. “I have things to do this weekend. I can’t.”

Eli held his breath, his mind wavering. He was tempted to come barreling out of the closet and punch Joey in the nose.

“I’m sure I can talk your mom into it. I know how much she admires me.”

“I- I- I- I don’t knnnnow. I promised I’d watch Chet.”

“Chase.” Joey sighed. Suddenly, he let go of Chase’s hair, resting a hand on his face. His tone became icy, calculated. “Chase. I’m at home with you. I really, truly, deeply care about you.”

A single tear fell down Chase’s cheek.

“Why are we doing this again? We don’t have to fight all the time.” With another sigh, he quietly said, “Look, I’m just trying to protect you from people who are just going to hurt you. Who else would do that for you? Huh? You don’t need that little loser weighing you down.” He paused. “People think he’s gay. Do you want people thinking that about you?”

Eli gritted his teeth until his jaw hurt.

“Wh… who… wh…” Chase’s jaw quivered.

“Who, what?” Joey said calmly.

“Who cares what he is?”

“Don’t say things like that, Chase. Jesus Christ. What if your mom heard that? What if she found out you were running around with a faggot? You spent the night with him, didn’t you?”

Chase kept his eyes locked toward Eli.

“Did you do something?” Joey waited for an answer. “Chase, did you two do something?”

“N… no. We didn’t.”

“You don’t have to lie to me. How long have we known each other?”

Chase snapped his head around, his face scrunched with anger. “Nothing happened.”

Joey removed his hand from Chase’s face long enough to pat and squeeze his shoulder. Then, he moved it to the side of Chase’s neck and rested it there. “That’s fine. I believe you. But if your mom knew you stayed the night with that fag…” He trailed off.

“He’s not a fag. You… you’re just s… saying—”

“I didn’t say he was. You did. You just sat there and told me he was a fag.”

“W-w-what?”

Joey nodded. “Yeah.”

“When?”

“Like, three minutes ago.” Chase walked toward the closet and leaned against the frame; he was so close that Eli could smell his deodorant.

“N…no.” Chase swallowed. “I didn’t.”

“Yes, Chase. You did. I don’t know what’s wrong with you lately, you just seem so confused about everything, but he’s bad for you. Maybe I should talk to your mom. I should warn her about him.”

Eli tried to lean away from the door, but accidentally knocked one of Chase’s hoodies off a hanger. It lightly fell to the floor.

Joey turned his head slightly, head skewed and eyes narrowed just a bit. He reached across the door and rested his finger on the handle.

“No!” Chase sucked in a breath. “I’ll take care of him.”

Joey turned away from the door and looked Chase up and down, eyebrows furrowed. “Jesus, Chase. You’re shaking.”

“I’ll-I’ll-I’ll see if I can do something. Can I call you in a while? I have chores to finish.”

“Yeah. That’s good. Call me. I’ll tell my mom to set an extra plate for dinner,” Joey said. Chase jerked to the side as Joey reached for him; he gave Chase’s neck a very slight squeeze and let his hand fall back to his side. “We’ll have fun. Just like we always do.”

Eli didn’t know what the hell had just happened. He’d seen Joey go from an asshole, to angry, to vindictive, to pretending to care—all in less than three minutes—and Chase was clearly left confused. Worse, he was threatening to out Chase to his mother. Eli knew he didn’t have a reputation at school, least of all that reputation. It would have been the sort of thing Adelae would have asked him about if she’d heard someone calling him gay.

Joey pulled his phone from his pocket and looked at the face. “I’ve got something to take care of. I’ll see you at my place about 5:30?”

“Yeah.” Chase swallowed hard. He glanced up at Joey and struggled with a smile. “Yeah. I’ll see you then.” He sat motionless, staring at the floor.

Eli waited for several moments after he heard the front door shut before he pushed the closet door open. He stopped and stared at Chase, waiting for him to look back. When it was clear to Eli that Chase had been thoroughly broken, he sat down on the bed behind Chase.

Chase jerked when Eli wrapped his arms around him.

“Chase…”

“No,” he whispered.

“I won’t hurt you.” Eli rested his chin on Chase’s shoulder. He wanted to scream, to shout, to tell Chase that Joey was lying to him, manipulating him.

Chase pulled away. “Don’t.” He got up and stood in the corner.

“Maybe I should leave,” Eli mumbled. “Text me if you need to talk or something.”

Slowly, he walked up the steps and showed himself out. The bright sun blinded him for a moment; Eli squinted and held his hand up to shield his eyes. He stopped at the end of the driveway and looked both ways before crossing over the street.

After he’d walked about a block, he heard the light ticking of a bicycle derailleur somewhere behind him. As the noise got closer, he glanced over his shoulder and spotted Joey riding up behind him.

Eli clenched his fists and kept walking.

Joey paced him on the bicycle. “Hey, you’re that kid from my English class,” he said with a cheerful tone.

Eli said nothing.

Joey was uncomfortably close, the light tick tick tick tick rattling Eli’s nerves. “You’re friends with Chase? I forgot my phone at his place, and I went back to get it. Saw you walking out.”

Eli stopped and glared at him.

“Why so salty? Jesus.” Joey rode around in front of him and got off his bike, leaning against the frame. “I thought it was cool that Chase found a friend as cool as you. I always told him I thought you were cool. He’s always had trouble with getting friends—he’s not very quick on the uptake. He wears me out sometimes.”

Eli spat on the ground. “Bullshit you told him I was anything.”

Joey lunged forward, bracing a forearm across Eli’s neck and pinning him against a large oak tree. “It’s not nice to eavesdrop,” he said, popping the ‘p’ and hitting Eli in the face with a bead of spittle.

Eli clawed at Joey’s arm. “Fuck you,” he hissed.

“I knew I heard someone in Chase’s closet. It was you, wasn’t it?”

Considering all possible escape routes, his brain turning to warm pudding, Eli pulled against Joey’s arm.

“I’m talking to you, fag,” Joey said, pinning more weight against Eli’s neck.

Eli went to send a knee into Joey’s groin, but missed and hit the outside of his leg instead. The force was enough to knock Joey to the side and give Eli a chance to escape Joey’s grasp.

Joey reached forward and twisted Eli’s shirt up in his fist, throwing his other fist into Eli’s gut; Eli fell to his knees wheezing. “Hey faggot, don’t you have your own friends to hang out with?”

“My friends are none of your business,” Eli grunted, crawling around the lawn on all fours.

“Ooh. I hit a sore spot. Guess it’s kind of hard to hang out with someone when they’re under six feet of dirt.”

“You fucking leave him out of this.”

“Are you threatening me?” Joey laughed, sending a roundhouse kick into Eli’s ribs.

Eli fell over, clutching his sides and gasping for air. For some fucked up reason, his airways chose that moment to start choking him, stealing his air.

“Stay away from Chase, or I’ll make your life a living hell,” Joey said, throwing his weight behind another kick. “You don’t know what I’m capable of, and you don’t know what I can do.”

Eli doubled forward into the fetal position and held his stomach, choking. His vision started going hazy, lungs burning, shrinking, squeezing him to death. His breaths were small, painful, shallow and loud. He couldn’t get to his inhaler, and the last thing he saw before he blacked out was Joey standing over him, his head outlined in a halo against the sun like an icon of Jesus.

Jesus. Fucking. Christ.