die catfish, die. - 1. fif-teen

Everyone is walking on the edge of life,
Like a ghost of a shadow, barely alive,
Even time’s in a rush,
But it’s going nowhere.

Everyone’s connected but no one is connecting.
The human element has long been missing.
Tell me, have you seen it?
Have you seen it?

_{ARMIN VAN BUUREN, ALONE (2013)}

* * * * *

Eli jerked back as a plate of flan was slid in front of him, a single candle jiggling in rhythm with the undulating custard, the flame thrashing around the wick. Behind him, a four-piece Mariachi band began playing their rendition of Cumpleaños Feliz, the trumpet so close to his head he thought his ear drums might perforate. He sank back into the seat and scowled at his mother, the tip of his tongue freeing a small morsel of tortilla chip from the crown of one of his molars.

Seething, he kept his eyes fixed on his mother, who was clapping along with the singer.

Everyone in the restaurant was staring.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Eli wanted nothing more than to go home and crawl under his sheets, away from the world, and away from all this unnecessary noise. One sweet eternity later, the band had strolled away and had taken up position elsewhere, singing the ballad of some bandito or another to a table of young lovers.

“Well, aren’t you gonna blow it out?” His aunt lightly smacked the side of his arm. She’d already slammed down three prickly-pear margaritas—and maybe he’d be cool with all of this if he’d had just as much to drink.

He shrugged. “Doesn’t really mean shit, anyway.”

Eli’s mother nearly choked on her drink. “Elijah!”

“Come on, it’s all for fun, anyway. Make a wish.” His aunt was very insistent, always. Three sheets to the wind, always. A little more than annoying, always. She played with several bright plastic bracelets on her arm, twisting the bangles around her bony wrists.

He hesitated and blew out the candle.

“So, what’d you wish for?”

God, the chompers on that woman. How can a person have such a big mouth? He slowly shook his head. “That I was at home.”

“Eli,” his mother chided, leaning in. “Would you please just… try?”

He brushed his hands across his face. “I’m not feeling it today.”

She sighed and signaled for the waitress. “It was way too soon, I’m sorry. This was my fault.”

Eli sighed. “No… Mom…”

His aunt slunk an arm across his shoulders. “So, fif-teen!” She wasn’t the best at stealing away the conversation. “You’re growing up so fast. I remember the first party.” She leaned in a little, fifteen years of alcoholism exuding from every pore of her being. “You didn’t really say much then, either.”

He wished he could disappear.

“Honey, are you sure you want to go back to school tomorrow?” His mom fished through her purse and pulled out a credit card.

“I’ve missed two days. And the weekend.”

“That’s not a whole lot of time.”

“I’m getting behind,” he said, flatly. He knew he could be miserable at home, or at school, but he had to start sorting through this mess. He’d decided the night before that he had to figure out what was going on.

“Benjamin says hi. He wants you to come over sometime and hang out.” His aunt dug into her purse and got out her compact. She examined the bags under her eyes. “He was out with friends today, but he wanted to be here. He misses you.”

“Yeah,” Eli mumbled. He didn’t need Benjamin’s pity. He didn’t want it from him or anyone else.

Benjamin was proof that his family was fucked up beyond… everything. Benjamin, his cousin. Benjamin, his half-brother. He didn’t much believe in God or Jesus, but he thanked them every day that Aunt Marlene lived 45 minutes down the highway, and Benjamin went to a different school.

Mostly because Benjamin was only four months younger than Eli, and he didn’t have the patience to explain the whole sister-wives bullshit. Eli resented his aunt and wondered how his mother ever forgave her for fucking his father just a year into his parents’ marriage. It was just as much Aunt Marlene’s doing as it was his father’s. After all parties were notified, Eli’s mother filed for divorce, and Dad had packed the moving van with 50% of his shit. He headed to Texas for a good government job, and to spend the rest of his days with an overbearing Argentine woman with a propensity for upscale living. They had three kids of their own, and Eli’s stepmother (although he’d never even met his father,) was trying to cut both Eli and Benjamin out of their lives completely.

At least, these were the things Eli overheard his mother saying. But, they were things that all of the so-called responsible adults kept under-rug-swept whenever he’d ask about it.

Benjamin looked so similar to Eli they should have been biological brothers. They both shared the same facial features, same build, weight and height—even the same allergies and health issues.

Their dear old dad had even passed along his congenital urethral stricture—as Eli’s mother had once put it, a narrow pee-hole to match his narrow personality. It was a genetic disorder which left Eli with a distrust of doctors, and thankfully, it was no longer an issue. There was also the sports-induced asthma and the hummingbird metabolism.

The birthday lunch was over. Aunt Marlene had been kissed goodbye and sent on her way, and Eli’s mother aimed the Lexus toward home and drove.

“I wish Jacob could have been there,” Eli mumbled, resting his head against the window.

She sighed. “Me too.” She twisted the steering wheel in her hands and slowed down for a red light. “Should we stop by Best Buy for your birthday present?” She was trying to sound enthusiastic; Eli could hear it in her voice.

“I don’t want anything,” he whispered.

“We’ll go next weekend,” she said, twisting the volume dial on the radio.

It was the Bieeeeeebz saying he was sorry. For a brief moment, Eli sarcastically wondered what Justin Bieber could possibly have to be sorry for. He reached across the cabin and flicked the knob to turn the radio off.

His mother glanced at him. “I thought you liked that song?”

“Hate it. Hate him.”

She shrugged. “Must have got him mixed up with one of the other people you listen to.”

They turned off the main street and wound through the twists and turns of suburban hell. When they turned the corner to their cul-de-sac, there was a police car parked in front of their house.

“What did you do?”

Eli rolled his eyes. “Nothing, Mom. Christ.” He locked eyes with the police officer as she pulled into the driveway, and the cop got out of his squad car.

“You sure there’s nothing I should know about?”

“No,” he protested. The way she said it, the sentiment sent Eli’s stomach sinking. It’s not illegal for two dudes to mess around. Is it?

She slid out of the car and walked down the driveway, Eli close behind.

The cop tugged at the brim of his hat. “Ma’am.” He tucked a thick clipboard up under his arm. He turned to Eli. “Are you Elijah?”

Eli slowly nodded, his heart thumping in his chest.

“I’m Detective Gaines. I’m very sorry about this, but I’m trying to tie up some loose ends on a case. Can I have a few moments of your time?”

Eli looked up at his mother; she nodded.

“I guess so.”

“It’s about your friend, Jacob.”

Again, the ground fell away from Eli. His eyes watered.

“Can we talk inside? It would be easier to talk about this in private.”

“Yeah.” His mother sighed.

Eli turned and walked through the garage, leading the way to the living room. He hurled himself onto the couch and tried to calm himself down.

His mother stopped in the doorway between Eli and the cop. “Please, detective. He’s had a very rough week.”

He nodded to her. “Yes, ma’am. I understand.” Gaines stepped past his mother and took a seat in a plush armchair, carefully positioning the compartment clipboard on his lap. He opened the top and pulled out a clear plastic bag with a bright red stripe across the middle.

EVIDENCE

Eli’s mother shouldered up against the door.

What the actual fuck? Eli stared at the bag as the officer took out a notepad.

“You okay, buddy?”

Eli nodded.

“Again, I’m so sorry about this. The reason I’m here is because Jacob left you a letter.”

A few tears rolled down Eli’s face.

“In cases like these, when there’s an investigation due to a gun-related death, we have to treat it as a homicide until we know what really happened. We have to look through every detail. He meant this letter to be left to you, but we had to open it, okay?”

“Was… was he murdered?”

The officer shook his head. “I’m not supposed to say just yet, but it’s really not looking like it.”

“He killed himself,” Eli choked out.

“I’m sorry,” the cop replied. “I’m going to let you read this, but I’m going to have to ask you a few questions when you’re done.” Gaines held the plastic bag toward him. “If you’d like to read it alone, please feel free. I’d just prefer if you didn’t make any copies.”

Eli nodded sadly. “I’m going to read this in the kitchen,” he said to his mother.

She kept her arms crossed. “Okay, baby.”

Eyes fixed on the floor, Eli slowly ascended the stairs and sat himself at the table. He set the bag on the wood, staring at the grain through the clear plastic. There was an envelope inside with his name handwritten on it, but it didn’t look like Jacob’s handwriting.

He could hear the cop talking to his mother downstairs:

“How long have they known each other?”

“Oh, probably about six or so months, I think.” She hummed a little, and Eli could hear the exasperation coming through her voice. “It was a month into the school year.”

Eli picked up the evidence bag and tore across a perforated strip. He let the envelope fall to the table.

“What was their relationship like?”

Inside was a photocopy of a piece of notebook paper. Jacob’s last thoughts were hastily scrawled along the lines. Eli shook as he lifted the paper to read it.

“Well, Eli’s always had a rough time at school. Bullies and everything else, you know?”

Eli-

I’m so so sorry for what I’m about to do. These last few months have meant everything to me, and you were a really great friend.

“He’d come home in tears just about every other day. Then he came home one day with this huge grin on his face. It was the first time I’d seen him smile in a long time.”

I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. Please don’t think it was because of anything you did. I thought I could fight it. It just became two much.

Eli squinted at the page.

“He came in and said, ‘I met a kid at school. He’s really cool.’ I mean, it was a night and day difference. For the first month, every day he’d come home and tell me something new about Jacob. The bullies started to leave him alone, and within a month they were practically inseparable.”

I wish I could have known you longer than 9 months, and I wish I could see you 1 last time.

Something was up; Eli had only known Jacob about five or six months.

“Were you aware of any problems Jacob may have been having at home? Or at school?”

“Nothing I’m aware of. He was a pretty happy-go-lucky kid. Always polite when he was over. Never talked bad about anybody. He was a bit bigger than Eli, so I felt better when they were together. Jacob seemed like the type of kid that would protect Eli.” She sniffled.

I’ve never had a friend like you b4. Please forgive me.

Eli held his hand over his mouth as tears streamed down his face, his body trembling. There, on the last line was part of their secret code, a way they could secretly tell the other they loved them:

My nuts itch.

Jacob would say it and scratch the top of Eli’s head before slinking his arm around Eli’s shoulder.

“My ass itches,” Eli whispered through his hand. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried not to cry harder than he already was.

But Jacob was no longer there for Eli to run his hands through his hair, to share in innuendos and jokes, to hug or cuddle. The letter had sealed the finality of it all.

Something didn’t set right with Eli; Jacob was more careful than that. Whenever Jacob would text, he’d use full words even if it meant the message would be split up into four parts. He never abbreviated anything out—

“Shit,” he mumbled. It’s his password.

He checked the stairway to make sure the cop was out of view, and pulled his phone out of his pocket. After turning the audio off to ensure there were no tell-tale sounds, Eli took a photo of the letter and shoved the phone back into his pocket. Carefully, he folded the letter back into the envelope, and returned it to the evidence bag.

As he went down the steps, he wiped his hand across his face. After handing Detective Gaines the envelope, he sat back down on the couch.

“Are you okay?” Gaines asked.

Eli shook his head. “Not really.”

“I’ll make this as short as I can then. Do you know of any reason why Jacob would want to take his own life?”

“No, sir,” he said weakly.

“Was anyone bothering him at school? Did he mention anything recently that would have indicated that he was upset?”

“Nothing at all.”

“Hey, Eli? I know it was hard having to talk about a good friend like this. Thank you for braving through it.” His tone was soft and seemed to be laced with genuine concern. “I’m going to leave my card with your mom. If you think of anything, and it doesn’t matter what time of day it is, you call my number. Can you do that for me?”

Eli nodded.

When Gaines stood up, Eli’s mother pushed off the door with her shoulder.

Eli took it as a clue that maybe he should stand up.

Detective Gaines held a hand toward Eli. “You seem like a good young man. I wish we’d have met under better circumstances.” As he took Eli’s hand for a shake, Gaines gave it a squeeze, but didn’t let go. “Between you and me, I see too many cases like this. I know what a bully can do to a person. Courage comes with knowing that things really do get better no matter how bad things look. Okay?”

“Yes, sir,” Eli whispered.

“If you feel like something’s bothering you, or if you need to talk to someone and if you can’t find someone to listen, please don’t hesitate to call me. There is nothing in this world that is so bad that a good listener and some good food can’t help out with.” He dropped Eli’s hand, tugged at his brim, and nodded at Eli’s mother. “Thank you both for your time.”

“Thank you, detective,” she said. “Let us know if there’s anything we can do to help.”

Gaines reached for the doorknob, but stopped. “Actually, one more question really quick.” He turned around and glanced at Eli. “Jacob’s mother said he had a smart phone. A Samsung. They haven’t been able to locate it. You haven’t seen it anywhere by chance, have you?”

Eli shook his head. “No.”

“We’ll call if it shows up,” his mother added.

“Thanks again for your time,” he said, showing himself out.

His mother squeezed his shoulder. “You okay?”

“I think so.”

“I’m going to read a book for a while before I start dinner. Let me know if you need to talk.”

“Why would I need to talk?”

“Baby, I can see the pain in your eyes. You’re hurting right now. Maybe it was the letter, I don’t know. But I love you more than anything on this Earth, and I don’t know what I’d ever do without you. And don’t roll your eyes at me, because I damn well mean it.” She hugged him tightly, kissed the top of his head, and set him loose.

Eli attempted a weak smile and took to the stairs, walking slowly to his bedroom. As quietly as he could, he shut the door and removed his phone from his pocket. Jacob’s phone was on his nightstand, sucking up power from Eli’s charger.

He lightly pressed the menu button and waited for the screen to light up.

Two attempts remaining. Enter passcode.

He’d tried to guess what Jacob’s password might be. He tried five different numbers and failed. He enlarged the photo of the letter on his own phone and went through it line by line, decoding the numbers as he passed them.

Two.

Nine.

One.

Four.

Passcode Incorrect. One attempt remaining.

Eli gasped—he was sure he’d gotten it correct. He had one more chance to get the password before it permanently locked him out, or even deleted itself.

He pondered for a moment, realizing Jacob wouldn’t intentionally be that obvious. He knew that Jacob had wanted him to get into the phone; there was no doubt in his mind.

With every ounce of hope he had inside of him, he held his breath and entered:

Nine.

Four.

Two.

One.

There was a clicking sound, and the lock screen slid sideways.

Jacob’s world was now open for Eli to see.