Can't Look Away - 4. Chapter 4

Dex stumbles back as I slam his locker shut from behind. His back briefly touches by chest before I shift to the side. He toward me, his face contorted in a way that looks like he isn’t quite sure how to respond.

“I, uh, wasn’t done in there.” He looks at me a second longer before dialing his combination again, the curls in his hair bouncing a little as he shakes his head.

“We need to talk.”

He doesn’t say anything at first as he grabs his math book and stuffs it into his bag. Still not looking at me, he says,“Okay. We’re talking now, I think. Unless this is all in my head.”

I sigh, “No, Dex, seriously. Like, you and me. Alone.”

I would have generally thought that was a bad idea. I had avoided the whole alone-with-Dex thing as much as possible lately, but ever since yesterday when Ian told me about the big nothing that apparently happened between them all I’ve thought about is what the hell. I am also not usually one for heart-to-hearts. I’m too much of the strong-and-silent type, but I am having too many emotions to control my uncharacteristic impulses and almost all of those emotions have to do with Dex in some way. Like, did he kiss me because he likes me, or because he likes Ian, or because he was drunk and isn’t really sure himself? I am not even sure I know what is happening at this point. I do know that Ian is very happy. Or at least he kept giving me conspiratorial glances all evening, so much so that our mom asked what was up with us while we were eating dinner. He even told me this morning that he is so happy to finally be honest with me, which made me feel even worse, because I am being nowhere near honest with him. He told me very big, important news and I couldn’t even share in the revelation. And, mainly, that is because of Dex. Why be completely honest about something that could be a mistake?

The hallway is starting to empty as people go to their next class. A mousy girl at the locker next to Dex’s glances at us sheepishly before closing her locker quietly and walking off. Dex is looking at me with his chocolate-colored eyes, like he is trying to communicate something to me without having to say it, but I don’t allow the look to pass. I harden my glance.

He sighs and looks down the hall. Most of the students have cleared and the stragglers aren’t paying anyone else much attention. “We can go to the choir room. There isn’t a class in there this period.”

In the choir room, Dex takes me back to one of the individual practice rooms. It’s small with dull pink walls, dirty carpet, and an upright piano. I put my bag down next to the piano and sit on the bench, facing away from it. Dex sits down beside me and strikes a few keys absentmindedly. It’s obvious he doesn’t play.

I swirl around and we make eye contact briefly as I start to play a hymn my grandmother taught me when I was younger. It has been a while since I played, at least a few months, and my first few measures are rusty. I can hear Dex humming along next to me. His leg is touching mine and I wish I had worn shorts. Part of me want the excitement of skin against skin, bare thigh against bare thigh. His hand slowly makes its way to my upper thigh and my breath hitches. I look over at him, but he isn’t looking at me. He has his eyes closed. I stop playing.

It’s quiet for a few moments before he opens his eyes and wipes them with the back of his hand. “They played that at my grandmother’s funeral. That was beautiful”

“Not as good as it could be.”

“You and your brother always amaze me. I can write lyrics okay and maybe fumble through a few chords on a guitar. But… not that.”

I sit there, my hand still on the keys, his hand still on my thigh. I bring my hand down on top of his, but can’t bring myself to look at him. I can feel his hand in every part of my body, the heat entering despite my two layers of clothing. It feels explosive. But It can never last. The moment it ends will be the moment I open my mouth.

“Ian told me.”

“Told you what?”

“That he liked you.”

“Oh. That.” He pulls his hand from under mine and it feels as if I may never feel warmth again.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “Dex, I...don’t know how to talk about this and obviously you don’t either. What’s going on here?”

“Nothing is going on, Zane. We had too much to drink.”

“Why did you kiss me?”

He takes a deep breath, but doesn’t say anything, so I look over. He is looking at piano keys. “I don’t know. It was a mistake.”

“A mistake?” It feels like my heart skips a few beats.

“Yes.”

“I broke up with Karli because of that mistake.”

“I didn’t ask you to do that.”

“Huh.” I want to punch him. Doesn’t he know what I’ve done? How I’ve felt all due to a mistake he made? My pulse fastens and I get off the bench. I want to hit something as thoughts fly through my head. Have I ruined everything over nothing? Has he ruined everything? “What is your problem?”

He stays seated, staring at his hands. “What do you mean?”

“You kiss me and act all coy for weeks. Give me these looks, like we have some kind of huge secret together. But you kissed me, Dex. On that deck. You leaned over and kissed me. And it’s all I’ve been able to think about.”

“It’s not like that, Zane.”

“Then what the fuck is it like!? Tell me! Because right now I can’t figure it out.”

He inhales and exhales slowly, like he’s trying to calm himself. “We were both drunk and confused. Just like Ian and I were drunk before. I don’t know, okay! I just felt something in that moment that I don’t feel now. On the deck I was drunk and I thought of what Ian told me then and you look so much like him but you’re not him and I thought how much maybe I made a mistake because you looked so beautiful then and you touched my arm and I thought... I don’t know! But it’s not like that, okay. It’s not like that now!”

He’s said so much and I am not sure how to believe it. “What have you and Karli been talking about?” I ask him flatly, trying to keep the emotion out of my voice.

He looks up at me, his eyes holding tears that haven’t fallen yet. “What?”

“Whatever you’ve been talking to Karli about makes her think you have a crush on Ian. She told me so the other day.” I say it to hurt him more than anything. I am not sure what I am trying to insinuate, I just want to make him feel like I do.

He looks at me wildly, his eyes wide. “Can’t we just forget all of this? Just pretend like nothing ever happened? You can be with Karli and me and Ian can do our thing and that’s it. Just everything back to normal.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? There is nothing to go back to. Even if we go back, I am still me and you are still you and Ian is still Ian. We’re still the same fucking people, Dex. Don’t you see that? We can’t go back.”

He stands up quickly, but doesn’t move right away. He smooths the wrinkles out his oxford shirt and pushes his hands into the roots of his hair, making it flop to the side. “That person isn’t me,” he says, to me as much as to himself, and walks out.

After school, I see Ian and Karli talking as I walk toward my car. He is smiling and she hugs him, but she walks off before I make it there. I wonder if Dex has talked to either of them about our conversation. Part of me wishes he’d tell Zane and Karli everything and get it out of the way. When Zane sees me, he smiles at me.

“How was your day?”

“Okay.”

“Dex isn’t riding home with us. He has something to do after and told us not to wait.”

I get into the car slowly, a little dazed. “Okay.”

“What’s wrong with you? I am the one who should be in a mood.”

“Yeah, I just...nothing. What were you talking to Karli about?”

“Oh, you saw her? It was nothing. She was just chatting.”

“Oh.”

He looks out the window and I feel like he’s hiding something, but don’t know if calling out our recent oath of honesty when I’ve been hiding from him for months.