Keeping the Faith - 1. March 1991

Michael had followed James out into the garden. James was stood at far end of it, hands in his pockets, staring off into nowhere. Michael wanted to go up to him and say something, some words of knowledge, of comfort, but he didn't know what words to say.

He stood there, just outside the back door, watching James. He felt both awkward and concerned. He kept turning over the events of half an hour ago. It had been shocking, embracing and disturbing. Michael wished James hadn't done it but it was too late now.

It was Easter Monday and, as always, all the family had gathered at their parents' home for a big meal around their parents’ dining table. Michael was there, so were his sisters, Sarah and Ruth with their respective husbands and children. James, his older brother, like him, was there on his own. Even their grandmother had been brought out of her nursing home for the day. Michael always came to these family gatherings; being back with his family gave him a feeling of belonging to something once again.

As they were sat around the table eating their big meal, their father had begun quizzing James about when was he going to get married and settle down. James had snapped back: "Only when they change the law!" In the following, almost shouted exchanges around that table, James had blasted at them that he was gay and that his flatmate Rick was actually his lover.

The whole table had erupted into life, everyone shouting at James at once, and James snapping back his replies. Michael had sat throughout it all in shocked silence, the food turning to stone in his mouth.

The argument had abruptly ended when James stormed out of the room, after their father told James was talking nonsense and that he knew James wasn't really gay.

An embarrassed silence had fallen over the table then, as they all slowly finished eating. The silence only broken by their Grandmother demanding her pudding.

After the meal, at a suitable moment, Michael went in search of James. He owed it to him as his brother and as a Christian. He found him in the garden.

Slowly Michael walked down the garden path towards James. He tried to walk quietly but his feet made too much noise on the gravel path.

James turned towards him.

"What do you want?" James' voice was flat and cold.

"To see if you're all right," Michael replied.

"Can't you see I'm not!”

"Sorry," Michael mumbled.

"Michael, what do you really want. I know I've screwed up back there," James nodded his head towards the house. "It wasn't how I planned to do it."

"Are you still a Christian?" Michael felt sure James had turned his back on Christianity and everything.

"Yes. Why shouldn't I be?"

"But you're a practising homosexual."

"For Pete’s sake, you sound so 1980's. My partner's another man, so what? It doesn't make me a Satanist."

"But the bible says that homosexuality is a sin. God loves even the homosexual but he hates the sin of homosexuality."

"Shut-up Michael! You don't know what you're talking about," James snapped.

"But God can heal you, cure you. You can be normal and heterosexual. You don't have to be the way you are. All you have to do is ask God's forgiveness and…" The tumbled out of Michael’s in his excitement to tell James his truth.

"I said 'Shut-up'!" James' voice sounded hard with anger, cutting off Michael’s stream of words. "You know nothing. I met Rick at church, our vicar introduced us. We are as committed to each other as any marriage. Being gay is no more a sin then being straight. Meeting Rick was an answer to prayer; he's the most important person in my life. So stop your prejudice and homophobic crap. It's not the first time I've heard that crap."

"Please James, don't close your heart to God's Word," Michael felt himself beginning to plead.

"I knew staying here was a stupid idea. I'm going home, my real home with Rick. You can tell mum and dad whatever you like."

James turned away and walked out of the garden, through the gate at the end of it.

"James, please?… James?… James?…" Michael called out but James didn't answer him, just walked straight through the gate.

Michael simply stood there. He felt hurt by James. He'd only wanted to help him by sharing his beliefs and showing James the right path. Instead, James had simply rejected him. Why hadn't James listened to the truth?