Heart - 9. Vladimir - The Lighthouse

Hush hush hush, here comes the Boogeyman! Don't let him come too close to you, he'll catch you if you can.
Just pretend your teddy bear's a dog! Then shout out 'Fetch him teddy!' and he'll hop off like a frog.
Say 'Meeeeeow!' Pretend that you're a cat. He will think you may scratch and that will make him fall down flat.
Just pretend he isn't really there. You will find that Boogeyman will vanish in thin air.

"Does she ever shut up?" Alexey asked, irritable as he tended to be when he was tired. He looked exhausted. Physically and mentally.

"I like it when she sings," Vladimir smiled merrily, looking at his boyfriend with affection. "Papa sings those songs. Remember?"

"That was your Papa," the blond boy sighed and looked across, sitting against the wall. He had lovely azure eyes under cheeky light brown brows. "I don't like her. She scares me."

"Don't be like that. She's my friend," Vladimir whispered sadly, turning his head on his pillow. "She just... she gets overprotective sometimes. She doesn't mean to be scary."

A little bisque doll and a little rag doll...

"There she goes again! Shut up!" Alexey shouted, banging his head against the padded wall of the seclusion. "I'm so tired of this. How do you put up with it?"

And a dolly imported from France...

"I'm used to it, I suppose. She makes me feel better," Vladimir went to stroke Alexey's handsome face the way he used to, but his hand wouldn't budge. It was stuck.

Were sitting one day on the shelf of the store...

Frowning in confusion, he looked down and saw the velcro cuff that secured his wrist to the mattress. Panic began to set in, and he wrenched at the restraints. "Alex... what's going on? Where am I?"

With a doll that could wind up and dance...

"How should I know?" Alexey was the one to reassure him instead, gently brushing the black hair from Vladimir's eyes and looking fondly into them. "It's okay though, kitten. I'm here. You'll be fine. Just... please make her go away, okay?"

When all of a sudden, the shopkeeper heard a scream...

"Oh... I... I can't, can I?" Vladimir's eyes wilted in embarrassment and despair, and he shut them tight. Again, he tugged at the restraints to make sure they were still there. Darn. "I'm sorry, Alex. I... I don't think I can."

That rang out through the store...

"Are you sure?" Alexey's voice changed, and he looked down with scorn at his lover. "I'm not sure I believe you anymore. You just hate me. You do, don't you? That's why you killed me."

And this was the plaint of the little bisque doll...

"Huh?" Vladimir felt fear growing inside him as Alexey scowled. He tugged again at his wrists. "What do you mean? I never killed you! I... I never did! It was an accident."

That made such an awful uproar...

"It's what you deserve," Alexey sneered, and Vladimir knew at once that it wasn't his boyfriend. "You'll be locked up in this place forever. Nobody else will have you. That's why they left you in here. Alone."

"It's you!" Vladimir whimpered, screwing his eyes shut and trying his best to wrench free, but it did not work. He was trapped with this demon. "You're not Alexey! It's you!"

I've got a pain in my sawdust...

"You killed me!" Alexey shouted angrily. "You never tried to rescue me, did you? You wanted me gone. You wanted me gone so you could be with Tyson, didn't you? You deserve everything that's happening to you. I'm dead because of you!"

That's what's the matter with me...

"I never let Alexey die!" Vladimir shouted, tears beginning to roam from his face. "I wouldn't! I loved him! It was you! You killed him!"

Something is wrong with my little inside...

"Well... I might have dragged him under," the three-headed man answered in his horrible croaking voice. "But it was you who watched him drown. You didn't stop me. You killed him as much as I did."

I'm just as sick as can be...

"Please go away," Vladimir cried, helpless and terrified. "Go away. Go away."

Don't let me faint, someone get me a fan...

"I'll leave... if you make that loud bitch fuck off! I need it to be quiet in here, and she sings all the time, never stopping, never stopping, no no no!" The terrible demon roared at him, and Vladimir felt a horrible, sharp claw rake down his arm, making him scream in terror. "Make her leave. Make her leave! Make her leave!"

Someone else run for the medicine man...

"No," the poor boy whimpered, his eyes shut.

Everyone hurry as fast as you can...

"You'll die in here, Vlad," it taunted him. "They don't think I'm real. They think you're just crazy. You and I have a long time to be together, and if you don't make that bitch go away, I'll take Tyson as well. Just like Alexey."

I've got a pain in my sawdust!

Vladimir squeaked when he felt someone leaning on his shoulders and opened his eyes. It wasn't that horrible man. It wasn't even Alexey. How could it be Alexey? He drowned in the river. He was gone. He did not know who this was. But she was in danger as long as that man was here!

They took her away in a hospital van...

"Vladimir?" She looked down at him with kind eyes wide with concern. "Vladimir? Can you hear me?"

And the whole town was filled with the blues...

"T-train brown..." Vladimir replied to her, shaking with fear and desperation. "A раздувать balloon. Freeze зеленый," he explained what was happening only moments ago.

For everyone thought it was quite an odd thing...

"Hmm. Schizophasia, I think," the woman spoke to someone, and she furrowed her brow. "Vladimir, you're not making sense. Can you hear me? Can you focus on my voice? My name is Cynthia."

And the papers all printed the news...

"Slinging ring fling," the boy whispered, trying desperately to warn this woman to stay away from him. The demon might still be lurking around here somewhere, and she was not safe. "лев. дважды телятина!"

Why isn't she listening to me??

The surgeons looked wise and they all shook their heads...

"Vladimir, I'm going to give you a very potent dose of Clozapine - it's an antipsychotic. We need to get your thoughts back in order as soon as possible. It sounds like it's chaos in your noggin there," Cynthia spoke sweetly with a gentle voice.

And asked her just where she was sick...

Vladimir yanked on the cuffs again, trying to pull free, and laid back on the mattress when he remembered it was useless. He began to panic once more. Dr Shrubb always made the nurses inject him.

"I think it's 'appendi-sawdust'!", she exclaimed...

Cynthia was quick to reassure him when he began to plead with her again. 'Hey hey hey, it's okay. I'm not here to punish you in any way. Please take this pill, Vladimir. It's an alternative to your medications that I believe will make you feel a lot better. Then we'll get you out of these horrible cuffs."

"And won't you please do something quick?"

Okay. As long as it wasn't something to put him back to sleep again... he would be okay with it. He was just frustrated that he was pouring his heart out to this woman and she did not seem to be listening to him!

I've got a pain in my sawdust...

The nurse helped Cynthia release the strap around Vladimir's chest, allowing him to sit up. She placed a single pill in his mouth and brought a styrofoam cup of water to his lips, and he sipped from it gratefully and swallowed the pill.

That's what's the matter with me...

"Sweet sitting ice..." Vladimir mumbled, squinting at the people in front of him. Cynthia. Sue. Hmm. He was still in the quiet room. He had no idea how long he'd been in there. "Seven sash surprise."

Something is wrong with my little inside...

"This is complete bullshit," he heard Cynthia fuming to the nurse. "Has Dr Franklin Shrubb tried a method of treatment that does not involve patient abuse? All I can see here is five weeks of sedatives, seclusion and restraints! He has no record of violent behaviour since his admission! This isn't treatment; it's punishment!"

I'm just as sick as can be...

"It makes me sick. I don't know what the man's problem was," Sue admitted quietly, moving down to the foot of the mattress. "Can we take these off now?"

Don't let me faint, someone get me a fan...

"Yes! He should never have been restrained in the first place!" Cynthia began to work on releasing the teenager's wrists while Sue undid the straps around his ankles. "I'm so sorry about all of this, Vladimir. I can't believe this was happening right under my nose. I'll be taking care of you from now on, and I promise you I'll make sure that man never practises psychiatry again!"

Someone else run for the medicine man...

Vladimir remembered how Dr Shrubb would look at him with disgust and loathing as though he were a vicious psychopath. Medication. Seclusion. Restraint. Those were the orders. This boy tried to burn down a school, the man said. He is unstable and dangerous. An animal.

Everyone hurry as fast as you can...

"That's a relief. I hope you do. Maybe you'll get further with the report than us nurses did. The higher-ups don't give a stuff what we think," Sue finished releasing him, and Vladimir coiled up like a snake, holding his legs to his chest and resting his chin against his knees.

I've got a pain in my sawdust...

"Vel... velo... v..." Vladimir frowned. "Маяк."

Oh, sad was the day for the little bisque doll...

"Well, маяк means lighthouse, I know that much," Sue told Cynthia, who seemed to nod. "Vlad often talks about it when he's confused. We're not sure what lighthouse means, exactly, but it frequently comes up."

For they cut all her stitches away...

"Маяк!" Vladimir repeated. "Alexey. Alexey. нет."

And found the seat of the terrible ache...

"Hmm," Cynthia grunted as she stood up. "Come on, Vladimir. I don't want you in this room a moment longer. We're done with seclusion.

For good."

"'Twas a delicate task," they all say...

Vladimir wasn't in a hurry to stay where he was. While he was there, the monster knew where to find him. The beast could play with him. Torment him. Turn into the people he loved and lost. Threaten to take more. By itself, the quiet room wasn't scary. It was peaceful, even. It was that he was alone and helpless when the monster came. Nobody would help him. Nobody believed him.

For none of the doctors had ever before...

"Are you okay?" Sue helped him up by the hand, and he nearly buckled. He had been sedated for much of the day and spent many hours on the bed, and he was shaky on his feet. "Hold on to me if you need to. Let's go to your room."

Operated on a dolly's inside...

Vladimir's eye caught something, and he turned to look in the barren corner of the padded room. Tyson was there, sitting against the two walls. He was dead. Vladimir cried out and covered his mouth in horror, pointing with a shaky hand. Tyson was bloated, his vibrant, dark skin colourless and grey, and his eyes were gone. Just like Alexey.

They tried to re-stuff her, but didn't know how...

"Vladimir? What's the matter?" Cynthia was startled, and her eyes followed his. "There's nothing there. Nothing there, darling. I promise. It'll all be better very soon, okay?"

And this was her wail as she died...

"I've got a pain in my sawdust," Vladimir began to sing with the woman whose voice echoed through his head. "That's what's the matter with me. Something's wrong with my little inside. I'm just as sick as can be."

Sue forcefully turned him around to stop him from staring, and she helped him walk out of the room as Cynthia watched with both curiosity and worry.

"Don't let me faint. Someone get me a fan. Someone else run for the medicine man. Everyone hurry as fast as you can. I've got a pain in my sawdust."

"That's an ancient song," Cynthia remarked as the three of them slowly rounded a corner and ambled down the corridor towards Vladimir's room. "My grandmother used to love it when she was a little girl."

"Young Vlad has a repertoire of old-timey songs," Sue explained with a chuckle. "He's taken me down memory lane quite a few times. Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah and Teddy Bear's Picnic are my favourites."

"That's quite sweet," Cynthia giggled. "Do you like singing, Vladimir? We might make a divo out of you."

Vladimir was barely paying attention. His mind was cloudy and he was tired, in spite of having spent most of the day either sleeping or in a state so similar he couldn't tell the difference.

"Mаяк," was all he said.

Before they entered his room, Vladimir looked to Tyson's closed door. Was he in there? Maybe. Maybe not. Sue gave him a gentle push towards his room, and Vladimir obediently walked inside and sat down at the end of his bed. He felt wrong. Exhausted, but not tired. Sue disappeared from the room, leaving just Vladimir and Cynthia.

They're drugging you. Be careful with her.

She's not Dr Shrubb. She's nice. She's Tyson's doctor.

They're all the same. They want to keep you sick so that they can make a profit off you. That's why they inject you. Don't trust her.

He touched his fingers to his head, and Cynthia noticed.

"Voices, Vlad?" She asked calmly, sitting down on a chair and pulling it closer to him. "Are you hearing things?" After some silence, she spoke again. "Okay," she replied. She didn't seem to understand him. Damn it.

See? She doesn't care. She doesn't want to help.

Cynthia shifted in her chair and scribbled notes in his folder, glancing up at him. Vladimir had his face down, watching his bare feet as the flow of the river ran over his toes, cool and pleasant. He heard a splash, and he looked closer. Alexey was under the water. Vladimir could see his face under the water, panicking and pleading, his blue eyes full of terror. He reached down to grab at his boyfriend, but yelped in shock when the horrible man with three heads grabbed the blond boy around the shoulders and neck and pulled him down into the depths.

"Alex!" Vladimir cried, and he felt someone's hands on his shoulders.

"Vlad?" Cynthia was out of her seat, looking him in the eyes when he looked up at her. "Nothing's there. Do you know where you are?"

Vladimir couldn't focus on her. Only Alexey.

"You're in the AIU, darling. Do you know the AIU?"

I killed him.

No. He killed him. The monster. Not you.

I did! I could have rescued him, but I didn't!

Cynthia snapped her fingers in front of him and it caught his attention. Brought him back to reality.

"Take a few deep breaths for me, okay?" She sat down again, looking concerned. "You're hallucinating, and I understand that it's scary and confusing. The Clozapine should be kicking in, okay? I won't be going anywhere until you're feeling better."

Drugs. More drugs! Can you believe this? Same shit, different doctor! And you think there's still a chance for us? They've given up. We're freaks. We're monsters. We're crazy.

"Маяк," was all he said.

"Маяк," Cynthia repeated back to him. "That means lighthouse. What does a lighthouse mean to you?"

The light that chases the evil away. He tried to explain it to her. The lighthouse kept him safe. When he was stuck, he looked for the lighthouse to find his way back

"You're still not making sense, Vladimir. I'm sorry. You were singing to me earlier, but right now you're still not stringing your words together," Cynthia explained gently, before turning to a new, empty page in her notebook. "How about this? Could you write me a note? Or draw something for me?" She handed it over along with a pen from her pocket.

Dr Shrubb never gave me a pen, Vladimir thought. He thinks I might to try to kill someone.

"It's alright if you'd rather not," she soothed him with a smile, playing with her dark brown plait. "Or if you don't think you can right now. Take all the time you need."

Vladimir drew only what he kept seeing. A man. Nearly nine feet tall and broad, with skin the colour of curdled milk and horrible, long claws on his hands. He had three heads. The eyes were tiny black holes in the face, and he had no noses. Each head smiled, but not in the same way. One was a happy grin. Another had a sad smile. The third was a cruel sneer, and it was the scariest one. It was the one that always spoke to him. The one that stole Alexey. Cynthia looked at it for a long time when he handed it back to her with a shaking hand.

"Is this who you keep seeing, Vlad? Is this Alex?" She asked him curiously, turning the picture back around and tapping on it. Seeing it again made Vladimir gasp in shock.

"Alex," he replied sadly, holding his head in his hands.

"Who is Alex?" She asked him.

She heard me! She's listening!

Well, what a relief for small miracles.

"Alex," Vladimir explained, sighing sadly. "He killed Alex."

"This man did? This man with three heads?" Cynthia was quick to scribble in her notepad. "Who is this man, Vladimir? Do you know him?"

"He... kills," Vladimir touched his fingers to his head again.

Be careful! Don't tell her too much or she'll lock you back in there!

You're right. If she does, he'll find us again.

"Sorry," Vladimir ended the conversation, drawing his arms around his body and hugging himself.

"You don't need to be sorry. You haven't done anything wrong," Cynthia reminded him kindly. "It looks like you're starting to get your ducks in a row, Vladimir. It's been nearly an hour since you took the Clozapine. How are you feeling?"

"Mmm," he didn't know how to reply. Empty? Scared? Tired?

"Do you remember who I am?"

"What?"

"Do you remember who I am?"

"... No," he replied. He did... sort of... she seemed familiar, but he didn't know who she was.

She's a doctor.

I know she's a doctor.

"My name is Cynthia. Dr Ellicott," she explained, and he realised they'd been through this before. "I've replaced Dr Shrubb as your primary doctor as of today."

"Okay."

"Do you know where you are?"

"I'm... in the hospital."

"Yes! Do you remember what happened today?"

"No."

"In the morning, you started dissociating, and over time you got increasingly agitated, so you spent the day in the quiet room. I came to find you a while ago, and we gave you some Clozapine," Cynthia summed things up for him. "Do you feel better now?"

"I guess. I'm... tired."

Because they drugged you! That's all they ever want to do! Drug you!

That's not true.

"Well, that's no surprise! You've been given enough sedatives today to knock out a Tyrannosaurus Rex, and that Clozapine isn't going to wake you up!" She grinned when Vladimir offered a weak laugh. "Dr Shrubb and I have very different ways of doing things. I think it would be better for everybody involved if you stayed in the land of the living from now on. What do you think?"

"Yes."

"Good. Do you think you'll be okay tonight, Vlad?"

"I'm not sure."

"You're not sure? Would you like someone to stay with you one on one until you're ready?"

"... no. I'm okay."

"Very well," she smiled sweetly, and he smiled back at her. "I have other places to be, so I need to head off, okay? But I'll be back in first thing tomorrow to have a longer chat with you. Is there anything you need? Anything you want?" She pulled out a chocolate frog from her bag and offered it to him, and Vladimir laughed and gratefully accepted it.

"... Tyson?" He asked bashfully, putting the treat on his side table for later.

"Tyson?" Cynthia had a playful smirk on her face. "Alright. I'll take you to the TV room. That's where I last saw him. Just remember the rules of the AIU."

The rules. No touching other inpatients. Well, that rule was stupid. Vladimir stood up and tested his balance, but he seemed to be okay. Sluggish and foggy, but okay. Cynthia walked with him down the corridor and into the common area. Some of the other teenagers looked at him with pity or fear, and that sucked. Shame, scorn and anxiety were the only responses he seemed to get anymore since he... did a bad thing.

"I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" Cynthia promised him. "I'm going to take good care of you, Vlad. I promise. Hang in there. Try and enjoy what's left of the day."

"Thanks," Vladimir smiled and watched her leave, then he lumbered his way to the TV room.

Why do you like Tyson so much? Have you forgotten about Alexey?

Alexey is gone. Please don't talk about him. Why don't you sing me a song?

She was silent.

Tyson was always easy to spot. The crutch, the short curls and dark skin gave him away every time. He and Charlie were sitting on the same couch together, and Vladimir was so happy to see that. He was pleased Tyson took care of Charlie while he was away, and that Charlie took care of Tyson. He'd grown very fond of both those boys. Each had their problems, yes, but they were good people. Most importantly, they both gave Vladimir a chance instead of assuming he was... a lost cause. That meant more than words could say.

The bad man doesn't like him very much.

The bad man can go fuck himself. He doesn't control me.

"Vlady!!" Tyson saw him and almost bellowed his name, and Vladimir smiled, edging his way over slowly and sitting down between them as one of the girls angrily told Tyson to shhhhh. The boy hoisted himself off the couch and awkwardly hobbled his way on the crutch to the doorway.

"Vlady, you've been gone for ages! Are you alright?"

"Quiet!" That same girl shouted at him.

"Fuck you, I haven't spoken to my friend since this morning!" Tyson flipped her off and shut the door behind them while the girl shouted abuse back. Vladimir grinned. It was so nice to be back with him. Tyson was a snobby hothead with a foul mouth, but he was smart, funny and kind underneath. "You've been gone all day. This place is shit without you! Is everything okay?"

Vladimir shrugged, beaming at the boy he adored so much. Tyson was an exceptional sort of cutie, wasn't he? A bit small and slim, but fit and attractive! He didn't smile a lot, but when he did, like right now, oh it was gorgeous! Pretty brown eyes and a petite nose, and an exciting, bad boy attitude with the sweetest core underneath. He had some angry purple scars on his wrist, but Vladimir did not ask about them. He didn't need to. He knew what they were and what they represented. For a moment, he was sad when he remembered why Tyson was here in the first place. Broken and desperate. He didn't have people to love him.

"I had a bad day, but I think it's okay now," Vladimir told him, and he relished in the look of flattery and joy that crossed his friend's face. "You're even cuter when I haven't seen you for a while. Mm... I think I'm going to pass out... sorry."

Tyson leaned forward and wrapped his arms around him. "I'll take care of you, okay? Any three-headed piece of shit trying to get you has to go through me first."

Vladimir's brain was full of doubt, guilt, paranoia and fear, but when the light of love shone over them, they fled. Chased away by the warmth and happiness. Made the woman in his head quieter. Sometimes it even managed to scare away the monster. Love. From his mother. From his brothers. From Tyson.

Mаяк.