Heart - 19. Revelation

He woke up the morning after cuddling Vladimir to sleep on the couch to Sue's gentle rapping on his bedroom door, and he stretched in his covers like a cat.

"Good morning, young man. You're sleeping late these days," she remarked as she brought herself inside. "How are you feeling this morning?"

"How am I s'posed to answer that? I don't even know what universe I'm in. How's Vladimad--i...mir?" His words were one long slur.

She laughed. "Vladimadimir is up and about. You're the only lazybones I have to deal with today. Are you ready to get up, or do you need some more time to wake up first?"

It must have been ten minutes to eight if Sue was waking him up for breakfast. No rule said he had to get up. He could even have breakfast in his bed if he wanted. But the promise of Vladimir got Tyson out of bed and almost out his door before Sue caught him by the arm.

"Not so fast! You'll need to put on some clothes before you head out there! And you best hop in that shower!" She tutted and closed the door on her way out.

Tyson realised he was only in his underwear and turned pink. He could shower after breakfast, he decided. He pulled on the first top and bottoms he found - a purple tee and some faded blue jeans. Before he darted outside, he snatched up the chocolate frogs he'd been hoarding from his psychiatrist. When he got to the dining hall, however, he did not see Vladimir anywhere. Damn.

"Tyson!"

It wasn't the Russian boy, but Charlie wasn't a bad alternative. He hadn't seen the youngster in a while, as he'd spent most of his time shut in his room so he wouldn't be tempted to smother Vladimir, and Charlie looked so glad to see him. He was a right mess, though. Grubby, with dirt and old remnants of food on his shirt and face. His pillowslip was coloured with many different stains, and when Tyson approached, he noticed that the boy smelled unpleasant. Who knew when he last showered or washed anything? Or changed his pyjamas or that horrible pillowslip? It made Tyson angry.

"C-man, good to see you!" Tyson didn't sit down with him. The thought turned his stomach. "How've you been?"

"Where were you?" Charlie whined, tightly squeezing his pillow to his chest and resting his head on the end, looking as though he might go to sleep then and there.

"I haven't been feeling well. Been crook, so I've been in my room. Have you been okay, though?"

Charlie nodded idly, chewing on three of his fingers as he waited for Jae to serve up his cereal. Tyson already knew what would happen for Charlie today. Once every hour or so, someone would make sure he wasn't dead, and he would show up to the education unit only to have Petra or Dale pretend he wasn't there. He wouldn't have any therapy or support or recovery plans. Nobody even wanted to try. Public mental health had a stretched budget as it was, leaving the ward understaffed and underfunded, so the administration didn't waste resources on the patients they deemed lost causes. Charlie saw a doctor a few minutes a week if he bothered to show up at all. That loud bitch Chantal was warehoused in the HDU until she was transferred to a juvenile detention centre. Until Cynthia changed things for him, Vladimir was locked in seclusion, drugged and strapped to a bed when he lapsed into delusional episodes. It was fucked! It wasn't good enough! And it was only going to get worse!

"Hey C-man, do you know where Vlad is? Have you seen him?"

"Vad?" He never could pronounce it correctly. "Outside." He pointed towards the screen doors.

He should have known already. Vladimir loved the pretty little courtyard out the back. He'd been here longer than anyone, even Charlie, and Tyson knew he was getting desperate for his freedom. It was a heartbreaking irony that his extended stay in the hospital, more than two months, was the reason Cynthia was hesitant to discharge him. She granted him three hours of escorted leave twice a week, hoping to gradually work towards full days, then overnights and finally move him to an outpatient program. Vladimir never complained, though. He wasn't happy, but he was determined to get as much out of Cynthia as he possibly could. Tyson admired that, and it only renewed his resolve to do the same. When he stepped outside, he saw Vladimir lying down on the swinging sofa, slowly rocking himself with his foot on the grass.

"Hey," Tyson approached gingerly, not sure where they stood at the moment. "How are you this morning?"

"Dead. I got more antipsychs this morning and they're kicking my butt," Vladimir replied quietly, sparkling azure eyes half-lidded and looking to the overcast sky.

"But you're okay, right?"

Vladimir still wouldn't look at him, but at least he was talking now. "I don't know. I was really happy last night. I know it wasn't real, but I was still happy. Now I'm here, and I'm tired and miserable, and my brain's all fucked."

He was happy because he thought his old boyfriend was still alive, Tyson thought miserably. He thought I was Alexey. He doesn't like me because of who I am. He likes me because he's psychotic and gets me confused with his ex. Fuck.

"Thanks for staying with me last night, though," Vladimir sat up and crossed his legs. It was a cute and effeminate habit of his. "Do you want to sit?"

"I don't know," Tyson's feelings were incredibly hurt by the events of the night before and what they might mean for the two of them.

"Oh... I'm sorry. I screwed things up, didn't I?" Vladimir seemed to wilt in front of his very eyes, as though someone pricked him with a pin and his soul began to leak out of him. "I should have just left you alone that day. I should have kept my mouth shut."

"What?" Tyson screwed up his face. That wasn't what he was expecting!

"When we came back to surprise you with lunch. It was my idea, but it was totally stupid. And when you were obviously upset, I... was an idiot. You needed space, and I didn't give it to you. Then I said... what I said."

Tyson did sit down now. "What? That was my fault! I got scared and insecure and I took it out on you, and that was a dick move. I should be sorry, not you! And what I said... that was horrible."

"Don't worry about it. I know you didn't mean it."

Vladimir put his arm around his friend and hugged him close. It felt so good! To be back in the pretty boy's arms again after not even talking to him for days. The familiar scent of his deodorant and the way Vladimir traced his arm with his long fingers. Tyson appreciated the colour contrast of their hands. He had the palest alabaster skin the Asian boy had ever seen, and though Tyson was half-Caucasian, his skin was every bit as dark as his mother's. Most of the time, he wished it was the other way - that he was white like his father. Perhaps Chase wouldn't have disliked him so much. Maybe Edith wouldn't have projected her self-hatred and shame of her own heritage on him if he didn't look just like her. He'd never been allowed to encompass that part of his identity; instead, it had to be whitewashed so his father could bear to look at him. But Vladimir told him a while ago that he liked him the way he was, and Masha and Vasily both took an active interest in his ancestry and culture, the way they encompassed their own. It went a long way to making Tyson feel comfortable in his dark brown skin.

"Are we okay now?" Vladimir asked him as the clouds parted above them and the sunlight briefly peeked through.

"I never wanted us to be not okay! But there's something we need to talk about, I think, because it's starting to drive me crazy," Tyson pulled out of the embrace, suddenly cold when the clouds shrouded the sun once more.

"What's that?" Vladimir, again, seemed to shrink. He held himself with his arms and looked towards the big wall that separated the courtyard from that of the high-dependency unit.

"I want you to tell me all about Alexey," Tyson decided that it was necessary. He needed to know certain truths that Vladimir had been hiding from him.

"I don't want to talk about Alexey," Vladimir's voice cracked under the weight of his emotion, and Tyson felt his heart go into his stomach.

"Not now, Vlady. Just whenever you're ready. You called me Alexey last night... and I know he wasn't just your friend. I just think I deserve to know what's going on because I have no idea," Tyson did have an idea, but he didn't want to breathe further life into it by speaking about it. "When you feel up to it, yeah?"

"He's dead. Why does it matter?"

"Because he comes to life when your brain tricks you," Tyson admitted, suddenly wishing he didn't bring it up as Vladimir began sniffling. "Я влюбленa в тебя," he finally said.

"What?" Vladimir, jaw quivering, looked over at him with his impossibly round eyes bulging out of their sockets. "What did you say?"

"Я влюбленa в тебя," Tyson repeated, now insecure. It was a huge risk he was taking. "Am I saying that wrong?"

"You're saying that you're in love with me. In Russian. Or am I still psychotic? Is it just wishful thinking? Hah," he laughed bitterly.

"If Я влюбленa в тебя means I am in love with you, then yes. That's what I'm saying," Tyson's heart pounded against his ribcage and blood rushed to his cheeks, turning them a dark crimson.

"You spoke Russian to me! Have you been learning? When?? You spoke it to me last night, didn't you? I thought I was just imagining things!" Vladimir's spirits had soared, which was both lucky and sweet!

"Oh, well, it was going to be a surprise, but last night you weren't listening to me when I spoke English, so I spoke in Russian instead, and I dunno. You heard me. So I thought I'd try to do the same today," Tyson explained. "I started studying from a book Cynthia brought me. Are you impressed?"

"Almost! Your pronunciation isn't perfect and you conjugated the verb in the female gender," the boy giggled, happily squeezing his legs. "Я влюбле в тебя is what you would say as a boy. Я влюблен в тебя too, by the way. I can't believe you'd do that for me!"

"Oh!" Tyson had forgotten his small gift, and pulled the chocolate frogs from his pocket. "These are for you too."

Vladimir seemed to melt, and before either of them could think about where they were and how to behave appropriately, Vladimir put a hand on the back of Tyson's head and brought their lips together. Tyson was a little surprised. They'd shared some brief pecks of affection, but never before had anyone kissed him like this. It was awkward, he thought. He had no idea how to do this! For more than a few seconds, Vladimir kissed him again and again and again. Tyson's blood went right from his face to another part of his body and he had to awkwardly shift his legs. Right as Vladimir's tongue began to taste his lips, Tyson was startled by a voice from the sliding doors that lead to the dining area.

"Boys! Cut that out!" Sue lectured them as she walked briskly along the concrete path towards them. "None of that, thank you very much! If you can't control yourselves, then you can't be unsupervised."

"I'm sorry, Sue. It was my fault."

Vladimir spoke quickly, likely afraid that the younger boy might say something rude or antagonistic towards her. He was right. Tyson was incensed that she would ruin such a special moment and had opened his mouth to ask her why she was such a fucking cunt, but Vladimir cut him off. She was bringing a toasted ham and cheese sandwich out on a paper plate, which must have been Vladimir's, because he'd ordered the porridge. He was determined not to put on any more weight while he was here.

"Careful, Vlad, it's right off the pan, so make sure you don't burn yourself," she warned him, before turning to a very peeved and scowling Tyson. "Your porridge is ready for you in the dining hall. Come along."

"I want to have it out here."

"You know I can't let that happen," she told him patiently, but firmly. Tyson had grown to like Sue for the most part in his time here, but in the present moment, he hated her guts. "Inside, please."

"Why? I want to eat outside. I eat from a plastic bowl and a plastic spoon! Are you scared I'll gouge out my eyes or try to burn myself on that tepid glue you call oats?"

It was so stupid! Vladimir, because he was only a medium risk patient, could eat his meals outside in the courtyard if he wished. Tyson wasn't allowed such a privilege with cutlery unless he was supervised at all times. His risk rating was still high, and Cynthia would not change it no matter how well he behaved because she used it as a safeguard. If Edith tried to snatch him away from the hospital with courts and lawyers, her success was much less likely if Tyson was officially an acute self-harm risk. He wasn't allowed to use the kitchen unless someone was there. They checked on him every fifteen minutes. Tyson was fed up with being treated like a toddler, and his patience was rapidly running out. Having breakfast outside with his friend might not have seemed like a big deal to Sue, but Tyson had so little to look forward to. He needed it.

"My schedule is full enough as it is without your abuse, Tyson. You can spend the rest of the day outside if you like, but I can't be out here and in there at the same time. If you want your breakfast, you need to do it indoors."

"Then toss it. I'm staying out here," Tyson folded his arms. "What bullshit."

"If you want to skip your brekky then go ahead, but I don't appreciate your attitude. I don't make the rules, Tyson, but I have to follow them the same way you do," she shrugged and turned to leave. Unfortunately, seeing Charlie in such a state had shaken Tyson, had amplified his resentment of the nursing staff as a whole and her words were the catalyst to his eruption of rage.

"Don't you dare talk about the rules to me!!" He roared at her, and she turned back around. "You're full of shit! You'll make sure I can't eat outside because I might find a way to hurt myself, but you're fine with letting Charlie's teeth rot out of his fucking skull!" He felt Vladimir put a calming hand on his arm, but he shrugged it off - but at least he stopped yelling. "Legit go hang yourself, Sue. I don't know how you actually sleep at night. Imagine becoming a nurse and then being totally fucking useless. He needs you, and you just can't be bothered. Fuck you."

She opened her mouth to say something, but she changed her mind. Then she tried again, but cut herself off and just walked away. She looked upset, especially in the way she hurried back inside. He didn't feel bad at all if he hurt her feelings. He felt terrible because he was the only one who seemed to care at all about Charlie. He knew that the boy wanted to learn and he wanted friends. He went to the education unit every damn day, just to be ignored. He was so damn invisible he could stroll into the kitchen and fill his pillow with treats. He was so lonely that he begged Tyson not to leave him. Yet everyone who had the means left him to exist like a feral animal at the zoo. He was another reason Tyson had to take control. If nobody would help Charlie, then he would have to do it himself.

"That was so mean, Tyson," Vladimir told him meekly from next to him.

"I don't care," the boy answered stubbornly, folding his arms and legs.

"You know how back in the HDU, I spent a lot of time in seclusion and restraints? Sue was one of the nurses who made all those complaints and got me transferred to the open ward. She cares a lot, you know. She probably already feels like shit about Charlie."

Tyson sighed out loud when he quickly realised he did step out of line. He cursed himself. He was supposed to be taking control, and that included his emotions. It was going to be a long and hard journey, he supposed. Edith was so aggressive and loud when things displeased her. He'd learned directly from her to use his anger as a weapon. But now that he was beginning to know better with Cynthia's guidance, that was becoming an old excuse. He needed to be better than Edith.

"I like Charlie, but he's really badly damaged, Tys. If Sue can't talk him into a shower, I don't think she's ready to drag him in there. Would you want to try? I sure wouldn't. His teeth are really gross, but they're sharp. That's why he was in the HDU with me in the first place. Someone tried to touch him and he freaked out," Vladimir added, taking a small bite from his sandwich. It smelled heavenly.

"I'm sorry I cracked it. I guess I better apologise to her," he admitted, hating that he'd had such a magical moment with Vladimir only to spoil it by losing his temper moments after.

"You got mad because you care about Charlie. I'm going to have a hard time holding that against you!" Vladimir brushed his cheek with the back of his fingers. "But yeah, please don't be mean to Sue. She's always been really great to me. If you want to pick on a nurse, pick Ron!" The boys shared a snicker. They both hated the old toad. "You want some, don't you?"

"Of your sandwich? Nahhh," Tyson lied through his teeth, and not very convincingly because Vladimir began tearing it in half. "Well, since you're insisting... thanks!"

When Tyson did return inside, the first thing he did was steel himself and seek out Sue. She wasn't in the nurse's station and Geraldine, a nurse Tyson did not like at all, sent him away. Knowing that she would have to check on him, Tyson decided to wait for her in his room. Sure enough, a nurse came by to check on him, but it wasn't Sue. It was the old toad himself, and Tyson fought his urge not to attack him as well.

"What happened to Sue?"

"She went home for the day. You've got me until afternoon handover," Ron replied coldly, and Tyson felt guilt and dread filling him up.

"Can you tell her I'm sorry?" Tyson begged him, but Ron snorted.

"Bit late for that, don't you think? Pull your head in and keep it that way, Belmont. Thanks to you I have nine patients to watch instead of five, so if you decide to act out on my watch, I'll put you in seclusion until Alice comes in. I don't have the time to deal with your attitude problem."

Ron accented his threat by shutting the door behind him on his way out, and Tyson, knowing he was serious, wisely kept his mouth shut and wished he'd had the sense to keep his mouth shut earlier. Sue was gone? Did he really upset her so badly she couldn't stay at work? Damn it. Why was recovery such a bitch? Why did he have to ruin his progress by taking just as many steps back every damn time? Getting landed with Ron, who seemed to have a personal vendetta against Tyson and had a fetish for locking him in the quiet room, was probably karma for what he'd done.

The shower didn't exactly help with the guilt. It was much harder to scrub that off than a thin layer of sweat and grime. It did make him feel better, though. As he washed himself, growing excited as he thought of his passionate kiss with the Russian boy earlier, his lustful thoughts were interrupted when he looked to the shower curtain. He'd been storing extra pills away in there. Was now the right time? With his relationship with Vladimir on the mend, Charlie's mistreatment at the hands of the administration and staff heavy on his mind and the threat of Ron the toad looming, it was probably best. Besides, he wasn't sure if it would even work, but he had to try. It was so risky. If someone caught him, then he would be sent to the high-dependency unit, or possibly even transferred to a more secure ward.

He found one of his cutest shirts - a slim-fitting white Armani with trim, buttons and decorative zippers, all black. He put on a pair of black designer jeans since he did not have any of his good pants, and black socks into black lace-up shoes. He fixed his damp black curls in the mirror. He kept them short because they were naturally unruly when they grew out, and they were starting to get long enough to be permanently untidy! Most of the other children were in the education unit, but Tyson was not forced to go. Cynthia agreed he had long since excelled the standard of schoolwork in the daytime classes, and he was better able to spend his time reading the books that she brought in for him. That meant the phones would be free and nobody would be around to eavesdrop.

"Where are you off to, Tyson?" Ron's deep voice interrupted him. Tyson's skin crawled.

"I just want to call my nanny." Tyson wasn't sure why he lied.

"Your nanny? I didn't know you had a nanny. She hasn't come to visit, has she?" Ron eyed him off suspiciously. He had a cup with some pills in his hand. "Meds."

"Oh. Cheers," Tyson figured it easier to do what Ron said. Now was the worst time to get trapped in the quiet room. "Thanks." He gulped them down with some water without hesitation.

"You know, you're awfully lucid and excitable for someone who takes this many benzos every day," Ron observed coldly, a suspicious look in his eyes.

Tyson's lip twitched. "I'll be at the phones if you need me," Tyson ended the conversation as quickly and compliantly as he could.

He hadn't actually used the phones to talk to his own family before. He'd tried Edith a few times, but when she saw the hospital's number, she didn't answer. He'd spoken to Masha a few times. He dialed one of the numbers he'd memorised - his sister's mobile phone. Kelly. He didn't imagine she would want to speak to him, nor did he particularly want to talk to her, but he needed her. The phone rang once, twice, six times, but eventually, she answered him.

"Hello, Kelly Belmont-Lovett."

"Kel. Hey. It's ahh, it's Tyson."

"Huh? How did you get my number?" She didn't sound impressed to hear from him.

"It's the same number you've always had," he said coolly, doing his best to keep his cool. "You haven't come to see me."

"You didn't want me to come, so I didn't," she replied bluntly. "How is the nuthouse, anyway?"

"Not like it looks on TV," Tyson remarked, his pride wounded by her word of choice. But then, he would have said the same word just as scornfully, had he not experienced it first-hand. "It's actually not so bad, but they treat you like a kid, and that pisses me off."

"Everything always pisses you off. You were such a psycho," her words continued to hurt, but he swallowed it. He knew from experience that she wasn't a malicious person. This was just life as she knew it. The way their mother brought her up.

"Yeah, I really was, but I'm a lot better now. I know you probably hate my guts, but can you please come and visit me?"

"I don't know, Tys. I don't want to go to a mental asylum."

"Please, Kel? I don't have anyone else. I haven't even heard from Mum in like, three weeks. She's just fucked off and left me here."

"Yeah, but she still wants you home. She only stopped visiting because Chase made her," Kelly revealed, and Tyson blinked his eyes, stunned.

"Mum doesn't hate me?" He asked, on the brink of tears.

"I don't think so. She's not happy with you. Like, she's so mad. But she wants you home, Tys. She misses you. Chase reckons you're a lost cause, though. He complains that you're making him look bad with all this suicide shit, so he just wants to get rid of you. You know when you get home, whenever that is, he's sending you to Sri Lanka? Like, forever?"

"Huh?" He wasn't sure what to think.

"Yep. He's already told everyone that's where you are. He wants to keep you out of sight."

"What do you think about that?" Tyson couldn't keep himself from whimpering. "Are you keen to get rid of me? Do you hate me too?"

"Well... no. I thought you hated me, though. I never hated you. I don't know. I haven't really thought about it," Kelly admitted, not an ounce of emotion present in her voice. "Mum doesn't want you to go either. She tried to get you out before Chase changed his mind, but you know our dad."

This changed everything. This whole time, Tyson had been sure that Edith abandoned him because she hated him. He was certain that she wanted him out of the hospital because she was concerned only with her reputation. Maybe there was still truth in both of those conclusions, but Kelly made it sound like their mother had only been a pawn since the beginning. She tried relentlessly to get him out and set him straight because Chase Lovett saw him as a liability and wanted him gone. Tyson's sniffles went right to sobs, and Kelly was awkwardly silent on the phone.

"I'll come and see you," she eventually decided, and he sobbed a thank you to her. "I don't know why you're so upset? I thought you'd be happy. All you ever wanted was to get away from us."

It's true. But now I have something worth staying for. Something worth living for.

"Cheers, Kel. When's the soonest you can come in?" Tyson's cheeks were wet with tears, and though he tried, the dismay and hopelessness that he'd fought so hard to get on top of were creeping back into his heart.

"Not tomorrow. I have some free time on Saturday. You owe me for this."

"Thanks. See you then."

Tyson took the phone away from his mouth, embarrassed by the scene he was making. He heard her utter a goodbye and hang up, then he put his head between his arms on the desk in front of him. It was confirmed. Out of sight, out of mind. He was just some inconvenience to Chase Lovett, some disobedient dog to be sent to the pound. And Edith? Even if Kelly was telling the truth and she did love her son, she was obviously too gutless to do anything about it. She'd been out of touch for weeks!

As they often did when he was upset, though, Masha's comforting words came to him, playing through his head in her unique accent.

Take control of the situation.

Fuck, I'm trying to. I'm trying so hard.

Thank you for reading my story! I've got renewed determination to finish up! I'm estimating five chapters more, perhaps.