n counters - 1. The Tale

[On a cool, bright, sunny morning, two people march towards a dingy block of flats. They're having an animated conversation.]

[The woman speaks first.] I still don't understand why you're so worried about Bill, Daniel. [She gulps in air – the pace is brisk.] You've never met in real life. Have you?

[Daniel strides along without any problems breathing.] Err… yeah. Only a few times though, when we've both ended up in the same place. You know – gaming conventions and such. [He appears keen to move the subject on.] Bill's my… mate. We talk a lot. Or, talked. He hasn't logged onto Discord for at least a fortnight, or replied to any messages. I'm so worried. Even you must've noticed. I miss him.

[She shrugs.] So he's on holiday; had a family crisis; fled the country. Who the hell knows?

He hasn't got a bean; and anyway, he wouldn't leave without… ehm. There's no family.

[They come to a halt in front of the shabby, graffiti-covered building.]

[The woman squints upwards, taking a moment to catch her breath.] If he's such a brilliant mathematician, why's he live in a dump like this?

[Daniel shrugs.] Bill's not good at real life. He may be a maths whizz, but as for using it in something like investment banking, he wouldn't have a clue. [He tries the communal front door; it's locked.] Kate, which number flat is it?

[She consults her phone.] Seventy-three. Hmm… would I be right in thinking that's the seventh floor?

[Her companion smirks.] Yep, sounds like it.

[They wait for a resident to open the door.]

Daniel, when I asked the question about meeting Bill in real life, you blushed. Are you and he an item, or something?

[He blushes again, on cue.]

You are! God… what am I getting myself into?

I can't help it. He brings out all my nurturing instincts.

[Kate's eyebrows shoot up as she surveys six feet plus of well-toned muscle and sinew.] OK.

[They hear someone clattering down the stairs.]

[Daniel just has time to mutter a reply.] Don't judge by appearances.

[The door opens. They duck in quick before it closes again. Generous use of yellow and black hazard tape shows the lifts are out of order.]

[Kate sighs] You're gonna run up all those stairs without stopping, aren't you?

Too right! [He jogs on the spot for a few seconds before setting off.] See yah later!

[Kate sits on the first step to remove her platform shoes. She visualises their respective RPG characters. Daniel's a ninja. She snorts.] No surprise there. [The errant Bill is the resident nerd.] So far, so predictable. While I'm supposedly the sleuth; the one who notices things. Hmm… [She prepares for the long slog.] Pity that's only fantasy.

[Several minutes later, they're both at No. 73. The door is secured by a numerical lock. Daniel pokes at it randomly until it bleeps.]

[Kate peers from under his arm.] 'Attempt one of three'. Hey, don't waste these.

[Her companion shrugs.] Can you do any better?

Well, at least I'd try applying logic to the problem. [She taps away at her phone, frowning in concentration.] Ah… success! Possibly. Try this.

[She shows him the screen. Daniel carefully enters 2, 3, 5, 7, 11 on the pad. The door clicks open.]

[Briefly they hesitate on the threshold before Daniel strides in; Kate bustles along behind. They stand in the living room, looking around. Everything is covered in a thin layer of dust. On the table is a letter, its thick, cream-coloured paper still retaining the folds from being in the envelope.]

[Kate picks it up.] 'From the pen of Count Dracula, Borgo Pass, Transylvania.' [She snorts with laughter.] What the fuck! This has to be someone taking the piss. [Their eyes meet.] Doesn't it? [She looks down again.] What's this? 'I refer to the lecture you gave some months earlier on the infinite monkey theorem as applied to writing a novel worthy of the Nobel prize in literature'. I say again: what the fuck?

[Daniel grabs the sheet and studies it.] Yeah, I remember him getting hugely excited about some presentation in the States; this must've been it.

So Bill's famous?

Nah. [Daniel rolls his eyes.] He'll have given it to a small room of guys as nerdish as he is.

So how'd this weirdo get to hear of it?

Dunno. [He takes over the reading duties.] 'I invite you to visit me at Castle Dracula so we may discuss the practical applications of your most interesting theorem. I take the liberty of enclosing the necessary travel tickets. You will be my honoured guest for the duration of your stay'. Looks as though Bill took this guy at his word and dropped everything.

Creeps me out. OK… so if Bill's been groomed by a stalker, what we gonna do about it?

Err… [Daniel scratches his head.] Ah. A few Chelsea mates of mine are going to Cluj to watch some random friendly. It's a Euro Championship warm-up or something. Cluj is practically next door. I'm sure they won't mind staying over for a day or two.

[Kate's eyes widen.] And the fact you're asking these guys to help you search for your boyfriend won't bother them?

Ehm… no. Well, maybe. I'll tell them…

They ninjas as well?

[Daniel flushes.] The odd one is, I think.

Whatever. [Kate heads towards the door.] I'll make my own way there. Though why I'm doing it, I really don't know. Keep in touch, yeah?

Yeah.

[Some two weeks previous to this, a newly-arrived Bill sits in Dracula's guest room awaiting his evening meal. Nerves and excitement combine, making it impossible for him to keep still. The room is well appointed but curiously cold and unwelcoming. Bill looks around and shivers. Count Dracula appears – he's a pale, handsome specimen. A Man U shirt covered in famous signatures is stretched tight over the rest of his dark, antiquated costume. On closer inspection, his skin has the appearance of being botoxed one too many times.]

Welcome, my friend, to Castle Dracula. [The Count stares at Bill with intense interest.]

[He jumps to his feet, conscious of the stare.] Thanks. It's an honour to be here. [Bill ventures a question.] Err… so, Count… you support Manchester United?

[The Count drags his gaze away long enough to answer.] No, I have no interest in sport. Another visitor who taught me English, left this behind. He had no further use for it.

Oh. Really? [Bill's puzzled. He sits down.]

[The Count takes the covers off the food.] Eat your fill; then we will talk properly, as friends.

[There's only enough for one.]

You going to join me, Count?

[Dark, soulless eyes stare at Bill again. Dracula licks his lips.] No, thank you. I shall get my teeth into something warm and fresh later.

[He watches until his guest finishes eating.] I regret no communication or internet devices work here. Allow me look after them for you. [Dracula holds his hand out.]

[Bill surrenders his phone and laptop, but not without some misgivings.] OK, but I might need them to do my work.

No; you will manage perfectly well without them. [Dracula's smile widens. Bill huddles in on himself.] Now, let us look upon things of beauty and wonderment.

[His control asserted for now, the Count leads Bill to another room nearby which is fitted out as a study. There are a couple of whiteboards – one displays an entrancing array of equations. The other has only the one with which Bill is very familiar.]

See, my friend, what delights and puzzles await you. But of course, your main focus will be to complete my task. [Dracula gives a mirthless laugh.] So many books written about me; not a single one regarded seriously by literary establishment. I have decided to take matters into my own hands.

[Bill nods obediently.]

You will be comfortable here; however, you must not venture beyond this suite of rooms. The rest of the castle is very cold and dark. Your safety cannot be guaranteed if you neglect my advice.

[Bill soon cheers up as he concentrates on the maths. Time passes; the two of them gaze at equations until Bill is overcome. Numbers and symbols fly off the boards in shimmering clouds of dust and coalesce into handsome, rapacious twinks. They close in on the comatose Bill, licking crimson-stained lips.]

[The Count addresses his fellow undead.] Not yet, my pussy cats. Not yet. He has work to do.

[They all leave Bill alone. He wakes up confused. Eventually he drags himself off to bed in the other room.]

[Three days after she met up with Daniel, Kate arrives in Transylvania by train, cold and tired. She makes straight for Borgo Pass to reconnoitre, though evening draws on. A dark, menacing castle looms over the straggling, one-horse town. There's a single street which passes the well-guarded castle gate. She paces up and down, conscious of the locals who stand watching.]

[At last, she decides to lurk in a nearby doorway while she assesses the situation.] Might I schmooze my way in?

[She's distracted when some of Daniel's friends appear. The blue Chelsea shirts are a giveaway. One of them addresses a soldier guarding the main gate.] Hey, mate. Where's the nearest internet café? The wi-fi round 'ere's crap.

[The guard blanks him.]

Speaka da English? He's bloody ignoring us – I can tell!

How about this … [Someone else flicks a second guard on the nose. Another raises his fists.]

[Reinforcements appear. There's a stand-off, followed by a short scuffle in front of the main gate which draws spectators. Kate seizes her opportunity and slips down a narrow, high-walled service road.]

[She sees a collection of recycling bins. Strangely, the signs show they're nearly all for organic waste or leftovers.] Now, could I hide in one and…

[Her eye's caught by something lurking in the shadows cast by a single lamp. She freezes. There's a low growl. Wide, fearful eyes fix on the emerging silhouette of a huge wolf-like dog. It advances. The woman backs off the way she came, nearly tripping over a crate of empties. Glass shatters on the cobbles, each bottle its own mini explosion.]

Shit! [Her head swings from side to side, desperate to find an escape.]

[The dog closes in, jaws wide, fangs showing. Slobber drips down its fur.]

Fuck not turning your back to a dog. [She trembles.] On a count of three. One.

[The animal snarls – a sound loaded with malice.]

Two.

[On Three, she whips around and runs for her life. Fear lends speed to legs unaccustomed to even a jog. Arms pumping, she charges towards the street.]

[A second or two behind, the dog easily matches her for pace, closing the distance with little effort. It growls continuously, sensing the prey will fall very soon.]

[In the town's only tavern, a knot of Chelsea supporters occupy the bar where they're downing pint after pint of the local beer, with the odd singing session in between. The locals are left in the middle – they sup on plum brandy and mutter darkly.]

[One Chelsea guy's puzzled.] Where's the telly, mate?

[The barman nods in the direction of an old-fashioned set which shows some local news.]

Nah. Where's yer proper telly? Can't you get the Premier League? UEFA Euro?

[The barman's uninterested. He goes back to polishing glasses.]

Effing useless, this is. Nothing effing works. Hey, mate? [The guy gets in the barman's face.] You need to spend some serious money on this place – it's crap!

[A stare-off ends when the local guy shrugs and moves away.]

[At the other end of the room, Daniel slumps on a bench, one hand rubbing his forehead; he's tired, having only just arrived. A foot kicks at his backpack.] This isn't what I envisaged. They're gonna be fucking useless. Shit!

[He heads back outside.] Need to think this through. And where's Kate? She said her arrival would coincide with mine.

[The sound of breaking glass draws his attention. Looking around, Daniel spots a plump figure sprinting towards him – it's Kate. His mouth opens to yell a greeting but he sees a huge dog behind, hunting her down. It lunges, snapping at her heels. She finds an extra burst of speed. It's clear she's faltering though – adrenalin-fuelled pace almost exhausted. Tiredness forgotten, Daniel dives out into the street, catches Kate by the collar and drags her bodily into the tavern.]

[The heavy wooden door slams behind them. They're both gasping; Kate's bent double, trying to control her breathing.]

[Daniel laughs.] That's one way of making an entrance.

Pardon? That fucking dog nearly ate me!

Well, you've been here all of an hour or two…

And what? [Kate glares at him.] If you're gonna say what I suspect – don't. [She looks around. It's clear she's not impressed.] God, this place stinks of garlic.

Probably the local cooking.

And those are your mates. [Her lip curls.]

[The Chelsea fans are oblivious. They've moved away from the bar and are sprawled across a couple of tables.]

[Daniel grimaces.] Not one of my better ideas. [He approaches the bar and speaks to the guy.] I apologise for my friends' behaviour.

[The other man shrugs.]

Does Count Dracula ever come here? I suppose it's his local.

Dracula?! [The barman fingers a cross hanging round his neck and looks round anxiously.] No, he never comes here. He would not be welcome. Dracula is rău… he is a vampir. [The barman's agitation grows. He makes a sign to avert evil.]

Vampir? [Daniel snorts with laughter.] Really? The Count's a vampire? Nah – that's the book. This Dracula's a few sandwiches short of a picnic. We're here to put him straight about a friend of ours.

Vampirii beau sânge! [The barman struggles to find his English.] Not drink beer – blood!

[Fortunately Daniel's rescued from commenting further by Kate who joins him.]

Don't know about you, Dan, but food, then bed for me.

[A commotion from the Chelsea supporters' table makes them turn round.]

[One individual lurches to his feet.] I'm off to find a fuck. Don't wait up.

[A chorus of jeers and innuendo see him off the premises.]

[Daniel and Kate turn back to the barman to negotiate a night's bed and board.]

[It's late on the same day. Bill, now paler, thin, and tired, continues the maths' fight.] Hmm, now let's see… yes, the matrix is Jacobian, and so the Eigenvector becomes... [He scratches his head.] Apply the differential of the Hadamard Product… which is err… there, and now we get… damn. [A frown appears as he stares at the ceiling.] That can't be right. Let's go back and look. I really don't want to do a Taylor Series here. Maybe a transform? Oh, fucking hell! I wish I'd never given that presentation. Doesn't he understand it's all theoretical? If I manage to work out how many monkeys, and how long they'll need to write whatever it is, I should win the prize for maths as well. [He prods the laptop which he's somehow retrieved from Dracula.] I need a break.

[He stands up and starts to sing.]

'I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical,
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical,
About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus; …'

[It trails off. There's no resonance or life in the sound.]

[Depressed, he slams the laptop closed.] Even I have a bad feeling about this now. Gotta find a way out.

[He strides off to the furthest point of his enclosure, a heavy wooden door leading he knows not where. It's dark; the only illumination comes from the room he left. Although the air's heavy and stale, clouds of dust hover, glinting in the reflected glow. Bill shivers. The dust swirls appear to move closer, almost hemming him in. There's a single high-pitched snigger, followed by sounds of lips being licked. He flinches. Flashes of white, long and sharp, dazzle him. He rapidly backs away before an about-turn has him scrambling towards safety.]

[Just as he piles onto his desk chair, breathing heavily, the Count pays him a visit. He's changed shirts – blue this time.] Ah, my friend! I thought I had lost you. I swear you vanished. Have you been here all the time?

[Bill swallows.] Count. Ah… exercise invigorates the brain, I find. A quick jog on the spot helps.

[The Count stares at him, licking unnaturally red lips. He grunts and looks at Bill's work.] Any closer to determining the number of monkeys needed? [He spots one number written down.] Forty-two? That's quite low, isn't it?

[Bill's flustered.] Ah… actually, that's the solution to another conundrum entirely. No – I err… the work continues.

Your lack of progress frustrates me, my friend. I can't wait forever. [Pale fingers reach out to stroke Bill's neck but are snatched away at the last moment.] In fact, I expect an artificial intelligence expert here next week.

[Bill stares, his mouth open.]

It won't do to have the pair of you in competition. You understand, my friend?

[Bill sees the Count's eyes flash red. He nods, feeling sick.]

Good, good. [The Count leaves him.]

[Several hours later, Bill's so tired, he talks gibberish to himself.] But if we square the hippopotamus, we get some of the both sides. Don't we? When it comes to electric circuit theory, DeLesse is Moore, unless there it's divergent... or detergent. Take the limit as h approaches zero and we get... The derangement formula! … Bollocks! [He yawns cavernously before standing up.] Bed. I'm getting nowhere.

[As he trudges off to the next-door room, an image of Daniel appears in his mind. Handsome, tall, fit, the sight makes Bill sigh and smile.]

[He tries singing again.]

'So tell me everything must always equal two
Or nothing else is true
And I'll believe you 'cause your X is equal to my why
But equations pass me by…'

[He goes to sleep a little happier.]

[In the morning, the two would-be rescuers eat breakfast at the bar. This involves munching their way through an omelette, cold meats, cheese, bread, and yogurt in the expectation of a demanding day. They both down cups of thick, Turkish-style coffee as if it's an elixir.]

[The barman appears bearing a padded food delivery bag. It's dark red in colour with a 'D' stamped in black on the side.]

[Daniel pauses filling his stomach.] Didn't know there's a food delivery service round here.

[Kate rolls her eyes.]

Only for the castle. [The barman shrugs.] The guests, they do not stay long.

[Daniel eyes up the bag.] You must be pretty busy. How about I do today's delivery? To make up for last night's rowdiness.

[The other man deliberates, then makes up his mind.] Da – I would like that. The meal is needed by the afternoon. You will have to wait – the food is not yet ready.

That's fine, mate. Thanks.

[The barman retreats.]

Whew! [Daniel sits back.] That's getting into the castle sorted.

For you, maybe. [Kate scowls.] What am I gonna do? [She doesn't wait for an answer.] Don't think it'll be easy – Dracula's hardly gonna welcome you with open arms.

We'll see. I'm good at thinking on my feet.

Yeah. [Kate's expression belies this.] You need brains as well as brawn, Dan. … Why don't our bloody phones work? It's so frustrating.

[Daniel gets his out and looks at it glumly.] Dunno.

Right. I'll stay here until that guy gives you a better idea of timings. Then we'll agree a meet-up on the inside. I'll get there some other way. [Kate's pleased.] Plan?

A plan, indeed.

[Later the same day, Daniel grimaces to himself, picks up the food bag for the castle, and heads off down the street. Entrance for commercial or utility appointments is via a small, cramped office to one side of the main gate. Three bored-looking guards process a line of locals, all of whom appear apprehensive.]

[The queue moves at a reasonable pace. Daniel isn't worried and waits, singing Kate Bush under his breath.]

'Sweet and gentle sensitive man
With an obsessive nature and deep fascination
For numbers
And a complete infatuation with the calculation
Of PI

Oh he love, he love, he love
He does love his numbers…'

[He's rudely interrupted.]

Oi! You deaf? Next!

[He hurries to the newly-available guard.] Food delivery for the castle guest.

Pardon?

Food delivery from the tavern for the castle guest. It's a regular order.

[The guy stares at him.] What's in the bag?

Food? [This earns him a hefty kick on the shin.] Owh! [He nearly drops the bag.]

[The guard scowls.] You don't sound local.

I'm only temporary. [Daniel gulps.] An intern from… Budapest, keen to learn about your wonderful local cuisine, its…

God, you can't half talk. Right, I wanna look. [The guard peers in, but is none the wiser as all the containers are sealed.] There's an entrance charge.

Really? I wasn't told anything…

Three hundred lei; otherwise you and your food can rot for all I care. Bloody foreigners.

[Daniel searches for his remaining spending money. He hands it over.]

Pleasure doing business. [The guard gives the notes a quick flick.] Have a nice day.

[He's finally let in. Daniel follows the barman's directions and swiftly locates the kitchen.]

[He enters.] Now what? [There's little light; the door to the outside won't stay open. Window slits placed high in the stone walls are the only conduit for daylight.]

Ehm… [The cavernous space feels deserted. Nothing appears to have been used in ages. In wandering round, he spots one single area without cobwebs. There's an industrial microwave and a small mound of crockery.]

OK. [He dumps the bag. By force of habit, he opens the microwave's door. A faint, dull glint catches his eye in the semi-dark – a bunch of keys sits on the rotating plate.]

What the fuck?! [One hand reaches inside cautiously, perhaps expecting a booby trap of some kind. Nothing untoward happens.] I have keys. Wow. Let's hope they're the right ones. I won't need to wait for Kate, if they are; she can just follow on behind me. [He regards the food bag.] Hmm… don't quite know why I'm doing this, but I'm gonna take the bulb of garlic the bartender snuck in. [A quick search reveals its whereabouts.] Call me superstitious.

[There's only one other door in addition to the way he came in. Striding over, Daniel gets down to discovering which key fits.]

[At about the same time, Kate leaves the tavern. She mutters to herself.] And I thought getting myself in wouldn't be difficult. [She sighs.] Viable plans devised? Nil. [Looking around for inspiration, she spots the gaggle of blue-shirted Chelsea supporters hurrying her way.]

[One of them shouts at her.] Hey, darlin'!

[She bridles at this.]

[They get rather closer.] You seen Smithy anywhere? He's vanished.

And Smithy is…? [Kate doesn't want to get involved.]

[Another supporter answers.] Our mate. He slunk off to find a fuck last night; not seen him since.

[This provokes a shrug.] No idea, lads. Sorry. [She edges past.] Places to be. See you around maybe.

Nah. [The same guy scowls.] Not staying in this dump. We're off pronto. Just grab our stuff from the pub, return to Bucharest, then back to sunny Heathrow. Smithy'll have to sort himself out.

[They march off, into the tavern.]

[Kate watches them for a moment before returning to her own situation.] Oh, well. [She spies the guardroom further up the street.] OK… let's give this a whirl. I can always play the silly female tourist if it comes to it.

[Approaching the surprisingly insubstantial lean-to, something attracts her attention.] Soup! Hearty, hot, and filling. God, I'm hungry. [She knocks on the door and goes in without waiting for permission.]

[She's lucky – there's only one older guy stirring a pot on top of a small, wood-burning range.]

Hi, there! I'm Kate, from England. A tourist. What're you having for lunch? It smells delicious.

[The man stares at her in astonishment.]

[Kate smiles winningly.] I'd love to taste it. [She produces her phone.] Maybe take a picture? It'd make a great social media post. [She takes a quick snap of the place.] None of my friends have ever been to Romania, never mind Borgo Pass. [And another.]

[The guard clears his throat. It's clear he doesn't know what to make of his visitor.] It's ciorbă ţărănească… err… peasant soup. Vegetables in a mutton broth.

[She peers at it appreciatively.] Looks great. Is there enough for me to have a small bowl? [She performs a mime.] It's a bit cheeky, I know. [The smile's there, full power.]

[He hesitates, then ladles some soup out into a wooden bowl and hands it over.]

[She holds the bowl in one hand and the phone in the other.] Is it OK to take a selfie with you? [She doesn't give him any time to answer.] Wonderful. [She moves into position and takes the photo.] Thanks!

[In between slurps of the soup, Kate keeps up the chatter.] This'll make a great post when the internet's back. None of my friends'll beat this. Not a single one. [She takes yet another photo – this time of her eating the soup.]

[The guy takes out a mouth organ and starts to play, probably hoping the woman will go away. Instead she hurriedly finishes up the food and uses both hands to steady the phone as she takes video footage.]

Even better! Wow, I wasn't expecting anything at all. [She's positively beaming.] Actually, I know what'd be the icing on the cake.

[The guard puts the instrument down. He eyes the woman. Suspicion, hope, and continuing bewilderment mingle in his expression.] Da?

Being able to take a photo of the castle from the other side of the wall. You know, the whole 'I'm here' kind of shot. Proof.

[The guard just sits there.]

It would be fantastic publicity for the castle and Borgo Pass. Is the Count on social media? [Kate's now faintly desperate.] I'd tag and follow him, of course, and the post'll go viral, without a doubt.

[Still no response apart from a lifted eyebrow.]

Ehm… [She changes tack. A dig in several pockets produces a wad of cash.] You've been so helpful, … [She looks to him for a name.]

Vlad.

Vlad? Well, Vlad, please accept this small recompense for your time and trouble. [The cash is taken.] I'm gonna be only a short time taking photos. Your boss will never know.

[It appears honour is satisfied. The guard hauls himself upright, shuffling further into the dim recesses. He opens a door and stands waiting.]

[Kate eagerly makes for the exit and the daylight beyond.] Thanks a bunch. You've been extraordinarily helpful, Vlad. [Without looking back, she strides out into the castle courtyard.]

[Daniel lopes along yet another cold, dimly-lit passage inside Dracula's castle. One fingernail gets chewed as he mutters to himself.] Can't understand why I haven't run across Dracula yet. The book's complete rubbish. Fantasy. Isn't it? [His other hand keeps a tight hold on the precious bunch of keys. He shudders.] Kinda have a feeling in my guts.

[A faint sound of singing reaches him.] Has to be Bill. [He speeds up. One last lock opened, Bill's study is soon before him.]

[Daniel lingers in the doorway. Bill's ceased singing; instead the other man droops over an open laptop, pale, much thinner, and evidently exhausted. Daniel raps on the door with his knuckles]

[Bill jerks awake. A bleary, anxious pair of eyes focusses on the figure in the doorway. His jaw drops; he pinches himself.]

[Before any words are exchanged, Daniel strides into the room, arms outstretched, a grin threatening to split his face. He sweeps the smaller man up into a hug. It lasts for some time.]

[Drawing away, words spill out of Daniel's mouth.] It's so good to see you again, B. I was frightened for you. Why did you accept that invitation? You didn't know anything about the guy. And you disappeared without telling anyone. How could you? [He stops for a moment to gaze at the man opposite.] You don't look well, B. What has that creature done to you? We came as soon as we could.

[Bill gets a word in edgeways.] We?

Yes, Kate's a mate of mine. She's good at getting things done. [Daniel frowns.] Unlike some others I could mention. [He draws Bill back into a close hug.]

[Kisses, long and fervent, are exchanged. Hands rove everywhere in exploration and reacquaintance.]

[Finally, Daniel pulls away once more. He notices the whiteboards, covered in writing.] What's all this?

[Bill grins.] It's my work, stupid.

Really? [Daniel moves closer to the boards.]

[Bill joins him. They fail to notice the sun moving ever closer to the horizon. The room turns dim with shadows, but both men are oblivious. Wrapped up in themselves, Bill shows the other man his work. Heads bend together in apparent examination of mathematical formulae. It seems Daniel's forgotten why he is there.]

[After a long, frustrating search, Kate discovers the kitchen.] Why don't they have any signs up? Even if there aren't any tourists, people still need to know. [She stomps inside.] I never realised a castle could have so many closed doors. [The kitchen's even darker than when Daniel passed through.]

[She notices, then ducks back outside again.] Dunno if it's the time difference, or what, but the days here are definitely shorter than at home. [Squinting at what can be seen of the setting sun through the battlements causes her to chew her lip.] Now, do I believe Bram Stoker, or not? [A shake of the head shows what she thinks of the question.] Whichever, we'd better be out of the castle before it's fully dark.

[Hurrying back inside, she soon finds the door Daniel left unlocked. The sight of the food delivery bag makes her smile.] Looks as though he couldn't bear to wait for me. Though… [She frowns] If that's the case, why aren't they already back here? Unless there's been trouble, of course. Or they're canoodling. [Kate closes the door behind her with more force than necessary.] Just as well I'm on the case then.

[She follows Daniel's trail through the castle. In the darkest areas, shadows lurk, brooding. One time, a chance shaft of yellowing sunlight highlights a cloud of dust motes. A giggle comes out of nowhere. High pitched, the same voice follows up with a 'Look at you, sweetie'. Kate puts on a spurt of speed, reaching a lived-in area with considerable relief.]

[Immediately, Kate gives voice.] Dan? [Without waiting for a reply, she quickly finds both men. They are oblivious. She stands in the doorway] Dan! For fuck's sake!

[In the greying light, the two men jump apart, Daniel's face darkening with embarrassment.]

[Kate storms in.] Do you realise the sun's very nearly down?

[Bill interrupts.] Meaning what?

[She blinks.] You never read the original Dracula?

Nope. Not really been one for reading. [Bill looks to Daniel for an explanation.]

[Kate grabs them both by the elbow and marches them to the door.] Dan, I have no idea what you were thinking. This is a rescue. Remember?

Err… yeah. [A sheepish smile emerges.]

Right. Let's get rescuing – at the double.

[After some jostling for position, Kate leads their escape. She sets the pace at a steady jog. They pass through long stretches of passageway in near darkness.]

[Daniel is right behind. He asks a question using a stage whisper.] You gonna be able to keep this up?

[She replies in the same guise.] What?

The pace.

[Her head swings round.] Yeah. Amazing what you can achieve when there's a vampire in the wings. [She looks past him.] Your boyfriend's getting behind though.

Shit! [Daniel stops and turns around completely. Dropping the whisper, he shouts with full force.] Bill!

[Kate halts, exasperated.]

[Bill's outline can be seen in one particularly gloomy area. It's motionless. He's surrounded by great shimmering whorls of something in the air.]

[Daniel yells again.] Bill! Don't just stand there. Come on. Move! [Nothing happens.]

[Horrified, they look on as the particles come together to form three captivating, deathly pale young men.]

[Daniel catches himself briefly salivating at the sight; he's disgusted.]

[Kate gives her companion a shove.] Do something!

[The undead close in, their sequinned, tight costumes reflecting the fading remnants of light. Bill acquiesces to them totally, making no attempt to escape.]

[Daniel is close to panic.] What the fuck do you expect me to do?

Be a hero!

But… [Scrabbling around in his pockets in a mad, last-ditch attempt to find something, Daniel produces the bulb of garlic he salvaged from the food bag.] Fucking idiot! [He stamps hard on the garlic and smears the resulting mush everywhere he can reach.]

[One undead twink bares its teeth, perfectly white and sculpted. It gives Bill a final, lingering look before taking aim at its victim's neck.]

[Daniel sprints the distance in no time and launches himself at Bill's assailant.]

[The twink springs away with a screech.] Eugh! Garlic. [Its hands flutter in disgust.] Keep that away from me!

[Daniel takes no further notice, grabbing his boyfriend. Brusquely, he rubs off some of the garlic onto the other man before hauling him away as quickly as possible.]

[The twinks fade into the dark, still complaining.]

[Bill gradually returns to the world. He mutters to himself.] One, oh. One, oh, one, oh, one. Oh, oh, one.

[Kate hears.] What?

[Daniel answers for him. He holds Bill tightly.] It's OK. Bill chants in binary to himself when things get difficult. It's a kind of talisman.

OK. [Kate scratches her ear as she tries to take this in. She gives up.] We've gotta get moving. You OK?

[Bill manages a nod.]

[Kate sets the pace again. After a short while, they reach the deserted kitchen. The light there has the blueness of impending night.]

[Kate gasps from the exercise.] Where now? Fuck! Why didn't we think this far?

[Daniel answers.] The tavern – it stinks of garlic. First, to get out of here.

[It appears the guards are leaving for the night. They wait anxiously until the stragglers are on their way. In their shadow, the three of them slip through the gates.]

[They arrive safely at the tavern, book one room for the three of them, and prepare to sleep.]

[Kate eyes both men.] I expect you two to behave. Yeah? I don't want to wake up and hear something going on.

[Daniel's expression changes to one of innocence.] 'Something going on'? Us?

Yeah. You. [Kate's eye-roll makes them all laugh.]

[Their night is disturbed. A dog barks and growls close by. Something assaults the small upstairs window. Kate gets up to investigate. A large bat hangs there, its face staring at hers.]

Jesus! [She slams the shutter back closed.]

[They take it in turns to stand guard throughout the rest of the night. Finally, day dawns, and they are able to leave unscathed.]

[Back in the UK, the trio meet up at Daniel's house-share. Bill's put on weight and cuddles contentedly with Daniel.]

[Kate observes them with a smile. She puts her mug down.] I still think we should've finished him off.

[Daniel blinks.] Who?

Dracula, stupid.

Nah. [Daniel shakes his head.] We were hardly equipped. What is it we would've needed? A sharpened wooden stake and an axe or something.

[Bill stirs.] I reckon, a pair of protractors. Preferably with as many digits of Pi engraved on them as possible.

[The other two laugh.]

[Daniel gives his man a kiss.] Only you would think of protractors, and that's why I love you. Still, we outnumbered Dracula in the end, didn't we?

[Kate grins.] Yep. We did.