Beyond the Binary - 1. Beyond the Binary

Taylor stepped off the bus and stopped to stare at the towering brick buildings forming the small cityscape of the college campus. They ignored the other travelers who stepped around them, off to their respective destinations. The new student sighed and hoisted their heavy, brown canvas backpack onto their shoulder and headed toward the closest building, map in hand.

Taylor’s heart thudded in their chest, although they weren’t sure if it was from anxiety or excitement. Probably both, they decided. College was a chance for a new start. Colleges were progressive places more accepting of people like them. At least, that’s what they’d heard. This place had an LGBTQ dorm—well, floor, anyway. Too bad freshmen weren’t allowed to get single rooms so they could avoid the whole roommate nightmare altogether. Not that they could afford the cost of a single. They could barely afford the bare minimum, even with all the financial aid and scholarships.

Meeting their new roommate was the biggest source of anxiety. They’d texted each other once before Taylor’s phone had been shut off due to their mother not paying the bill. They snorted. Yeah, right. She’d had it disconnected the minute they’d turned eighteen. Turing eighteen meant her obligation as a parent was done. Not that she had taken that obligation all that seriously before then.

Taylor stopped when they reached the tall building coinciding with the X on their map. Donaldson Hall. Their home for the next semester and possibly next four years. They swallowed and wiped their hands on their jeans. Well, here’s to the future! Taylor raised a mental glass of champagne. I hope it’s better than the past.

After checking in at the registration desk, Taylor headed to the third floor, twirling the key they’d been given to room 307. They wondered if their roommate had checked in yet. The hall bustled with activity. Students and their parents hauled boxes and suitcases into dorm rooms. As much as Taylor tried to tell themselves they were fine with arriving alone, a pang of longing pierced their façade as they momentarily wished things could have been different with their mom.

They inhaled and put the key in the lock to room 307 and turned the knob. Their roommate had her back turned to them, unpacking the contents of a bright pink suitcase into a tall dresser. She turned and smiled. “Hi! You must be the roomie. I’m Ava.” She held out her hand, hot pink nails leading the way.

“I’m Taylor: they/them/their.” Taylor shook Ava’s hand. It was nice and soft. They waited for the inevitable look. Not many people understood the whole pronoun or gender thing.

Ava nodded. “Cool. I prefer feminine pronouns myself.”

Taylor smiled, relieved at Ava’s acceptance. Ava gestured toward the right side of the room. “That’s your side.”

“OK. Thanks.” They set their backpack down on the bed, then sat next to it. “So where do we get the sheets?”

Ava raised an eyebrow. “You didn’t bring any?”

Taylor frowned. “Didn’t know I had to. I figured it was like a hotel, and they had them for us.”

Ava laughed. “Honey, this ain’t no hotel.” She resumed unpacking her clothes. “How much stuff do you have? I brought a fridge and microwave, so I hope you didn’t too. I tried texting you, but I kept getting error messages. I was going to let you know what I was bringing.”

Taylor’s face flushed bright red. “Sorry about that. My mom turned my phone off, and I couldn’t afford a new one. I don’t have much stuff. Thanks for letting me use your fridge and microwave.”

“Need a hand bringing anything up? I’ll grab some light stuff. Can’t ruin the manicure.” She winked.

Taylor laughed and gestured to their backpack. “Thanks for the offer, but this is it.”

Ava raised an eyebrow. “You’re a light traveler. Do you have a car?”

“Nope. I took the bus here, so I couldn’t take a whole ton of stuff.”

“So you need sheets. Anything else? Shopping trip!” Ava grinned.

Taylor shrugged. “I dunno. I have all the essentials. How much are sheets? I’ve never had to buy them before.”

“Well mine were over a hundred bucks, but I have expensive taste.”

Taylor widened their eyes and wondered how sleeping on a bare mattress would feel.

“I’m sure you can find some for much less. We can try Target. They usually have good deals.”

“Uh… yeah. Sure. We can do that, I guess.”

Ava grabbed her phone from the desk and tapped some buttons. “Looks like Target has some on sale for twenty bucks. A cotton blend.”

Taylor sighed in relief. While still an unplanned expense, twenty bucks was much more manageable. “Sounds good.”

Ava grinned. “Great! I’m sure I’ll find a few things too.”

“You don’t mind driving me?”

“Hun, I’ll take any excuse to go shopping. I don’t mind at all.” Ava grabbed her car keys from the top of the dresser and headed out the door.

Taylor followed. Well, so far so good. Let’s hope it stays that way.

****

After the fiftieth time explaining non-binary/gender neutral to someone who raised an eyebrow and walked away, shaking their head, Taylor came to the realization perhaps colleges weren’t as progressive as they thought. The questions, comments, and looks had been bad enough in high school, but Taylor had honestly thought things would be different in the ‘real’ world. Nah… that’s not really true, Taylor thought as they dipped an everything bagel into a mocha latte. They weren’t naïve or oblivious to other peoples’ preconceptions and prejudices, especially when it came to non-conventional gender constructs. They usually enjoyed meeting new people, especially when they were curious about non-binary in a nonjudgmental way. But sometimes the lack of understanding and even outright laughter and derision was wearying.

Taylor had made some ‘class friends’—people they chatted with in classes, but didn’t socialize with otherwise—in the month since college started, but no ‘real’ friends. Ava was the only person they considered a friend. Even so, they didn’t have much in common. Ava was a girly-girl, while Taylor had never really embraced their feminine side. So maybe Ava wasn’t so much a friend as ‘safe’—someone who was there and accepted them for who they were.

Taylor sighed and took a bite of soggy bagel. Gross.

“Do you mind if I sit here?”

Taylor jumped at the intrusion into their thoughts. A young blond man stood in front of their table, shifting his feet.

“Sorry… didn’t mean to startle you.”

Taylor smiled. “That’s OK. Sure, have a seat.” Hell, yeah it’s OK. He’s freaking cute!

“I’m Lucas.”

“Taylor: they/them/their.”

Lucas scrunched his brows. Taylor braced themselves for the usual onslaught of awkwardness.

“They/them/their?”

“Those are my preferred pronouns. I’m non-binary.”

Lucas smiled. “Ah. OK. I’ve heard of that.” He sipped his drink. “So what’s your major? I’m an English major. I love reading so much, I guess I decided to make books my life.” He giggled.

Taylor grinned. “I love reading too. Especially comics and sci-fi. Fantasy is good too. Tolkien rocks.”

“Yeah, he does. I’ve always wished I could be Legolas.” Lucas sighed.

“Hell yeah. He’s freaking hot.”

Lucas took a bite of his breakfast sandwich.

“I’m taking a bunch of liberal arts classes until I declare a major. I’m not sure if I want to go in a science-y direction or go for social work,” Taylor stated.

“Nice! Either sounds good. Cool shirt, by the way. Deadpool’s OK, but Thor’s my favorite. Guardians of the Galaxy is my favorite movie so far, though. But that will probably change once Infinity War comes out.”

Taylor bounced up and down in their chair in a perfect imitation of Tigger, causing Lucas to sit back in his chair.

“Oh. My. God! You’re a Marvel fan too? I can’t wait for Infinity War!”

Lucas grinned. “I know, right? Hey! We should go see the new Thor movie together! Uh… if you want to, that is.” Lucas’ face turned bright red.

Taylor smiled. “Of course I would!”

“Awesome! Wait till you meet Nigel. He’s crazy about Marvel too. You guys will get along great.”

Disappointment flooded through Taylor. For a minute, they thought the cute boy had asked them out on a date. But the look on Lucas’ face when he said Nigel’s name made them think they were more than friends. No matter… finding a new friend was the best feeling in the world.

****

“You should come to the GSA meeting tomorrow.” Lucas stared at Taylor over his Renaissance poetry text.

“What’s that?”

“You’ve never heard of the GSA? They didn’t have one in your high school?”

Taylor shrugged. “Dunno. If they did, I wasn’t aware. I didn’t pay much attention to a lot of things in high school. My main goal was to make it through the day.”

“It’s the Gay/Straight Alliance. A safe place for LGBTQ youth and allies. It’s kind of like a support group that also does community outreach.”

“Oh. Sounds interesting. What are meetings like?”

“Typical meetings, I suppose. Lots of planning, talking… and free pizza.”

Taylor grinned and bounced on the bed. “You had me at free pizza. So what do you plan?”

“Right now we’re planning a booth for the fall festival. So far, we’ve established we’re having a booth at the fall festival.”

Taylor laughed. “Count me in.”

“I see we have a new member. Let’s introduce ourselves, then we can get the meeting started. I’m Mr. Richardson, the faculty advisor. My office is always open to anyone who needs help.” He turned to his right and looked at the young man sitting next to him.

“I’m Derrick, this year’s GSA president.”

“Aiden, vice president.”

“Shane, secretary.”

Taylor had no idea who else was in attendance. Their thoughts were full of the hotness that was Shane. Auburn hair. Green eyes. Tall, slim physique. And he wore a Batman shirt. Who cares if it was DC? It was still comics. Maybe he liked Marvel too. Taylor jumped when Lucas elbowed them.

“Oh… uh… hi. I’m Taylor: they/them/their.” Their face burned bright red.

“Welcome, Taylor,” Derrick stated. “So… let’s talk about this booth for the festival. Anyone have ideas for a theme?”

“Rainbows and unicorns.” Someone suggested.

A chorus of groans and laughter followed.

“How about drag queen fashion?” a small, effeminate man asked. He reminded Taylor of Ava. Too bad their roommate wasn’t interested in the GSA.

Derrick frowned. “Too specific. We want to include the LGBTQ spectrum. We can save that idea for something else, though.”

“How about superheroes?” Taylor said.

Everyone seated in the small circle looked at them expectantly.

Taylor swallowed. “We could create a superhero for each letter, and their costume could reflect the flag associated with that letter.”

A low murmur of assent and head nods followed their suggestion.

“I think that’s a great idea. I can take point on it, if Taylor will work with me,” Shane stated and smiled at Taylor.

Taylor’s stomach did this weird flippy thing. They grinned and bounced in their seat. “Totally! I mean… uh… yeah, sure. I’d like that.” They smiled shyly at the cute secretary.

Lucas leaned over and whispered in their ear. “Told ya you’d like it here.”

****

They were going on a date. Their first date with a hot guy. Well, any guy. Or anyone, for that matter. It was hard for Taylor to sit still on a good day… with this level of excitement it was next to impossible.

“Honey, if you don’t stop bouncing around this room, I’m going to duct tape you to your chair.” Ava leveled her sternest look at her roommate.

Taylor flopped on their bed and sat cross-legged. “Sorry. I’m really nervous. I’ve never been on a date before.”

Ava raised an eyebrow. “A cutie like you? Never?”

“I never found anyone interested in ‘the freak’.”

“Sweetie, I understand completely. Believe me, it’s not easy finding someone who understands us, but they’re out there.”

Taylor smiled. “So what do I do? How should I act? Am I supposed to kiss him at the end of the date? What if he asks me to ‘go inside’? I’m not ready for anything like that.”

“First thing you need to do is breathe and relax. Act like yourself. That’s who he wants to date. Kiss him if it feels right. Go at your pace. Don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with or ready for.”

“I don’t know what I would do without you.”

Ava snorted. “Well I couldn’t let you go out in ripped jeans, even if it is only to the movies.”

Taylor rolled their eyes. Ava’s sense of fashion was affronted by Taylor’s grunge/goth look. “Ripped jeans are in. Or didn’t they teach you that at drag school?”

Ava burst into raucous laughter. “Drag? Gurl… I’m all woman.”

“And I’m not a girl.”

“Or a boy. I know.” Ava winked.

Taylor glanced at their watch. “Well. Guess this is it. Wish me luck!” They stood and grabbed their wallet, then stuffed it into their pocket.

“Luck! It will go great. Trust me.” Ava rose from her desk chair and hugged Taylor. “Now go get ‘em. Or break a leg. Or whatever. Have a wonderful time, sweetie.”

****

Ava was right. Taylor did have a wonderful time. They’d decided to see the new Thor movie, even though Taylor had already seen it. It was worth seeing the movie over and over just for the eye candy. Besides, Taylor was more focused on the feeling of Shane’s hand in theirs than on the Norse God of thunder.

After the date, Taylor had a lot of difficulty concentrating on their classes, since thoughts of Shane and the feeling of his lips on theirs permeated all their thoughts. Since then, they’d kissed many more times. Which made it harder, not easier to get classwork done. Now they’d been dating for a whole month, and Taylor was worried about Shane wanting to get more physical. Taylor wanted to do more with Shane, but wasn’t sure they were comfortable enough with their body to trust another person with it. Yet.

They hoped that person would be Shane. Taylor sighed. Shane. With his reddish hair and boy-next-door charm. And perfect body. He liked comics and going to the movies. Just like Taylor. He also liked grunge music, which made him perfect in Taylor’s eyes. Well, he tolerated grunge music. Same difference.

Tonight was their one month celebration date.

Ava was away for the weekend.

So they’d be alone.

And Shane would want to take their relationship to the next level and become more intimate than they had so far.

Taylor was willing to try.

With Shane.

They took a deep breath.

Dinner out first, then they’d come back to Taylor’s room. And see how it went.

“Well, I can’t say I count Thai food among my favorites, but it was still good. And spending time with you made it much better.” Shane ran his hand along the back of Taylor’s neck.

Taylor sighed and leaned into the touch. “Sorry you didn’t like it. We could have gone somewhere else.”

“That’s OK. Next time we’ll go for pizza.”

“Can’t go wrong with that.”

“Nope.” Shane turned and drew Taylor closer. “Pizza and my boyfriend. What could be better than that?”

Taylor frowned. “I’m not your boyfriend or girlfriend. I suppose ‘partner’ would be closest, if that sounds OK.”

“Oh, right. Yeah, I guess. Sorry. The whole gender neutral thing takes a little getting used to.” Shane ran his thumb over Taylor’s lip piercings. “Man, these are so hot.” He leaned in and kissed Taylor. They responded, and soon were making out until they had to come up for air.

“You are so hot, Tay,” Shane muttered, kissing along Taylor’s neck.

Taylor moaned. Fuck, this felt good. Shane nipped at Taylor’s ear, causing them to melt in his arms. “I want to feel you in my mouth. I’ve been dying to give you a BJ ever since I met you.”

Taylor abruptly sat up and pushed Shane away, scowling. “What if there’s nothing to blow?” they asked sharply.

Shane furrowed his brows. “What do you mean?”

“What makes you think I have a dick? Maybe I was assigned female at birth.”

Shane laughed. Taylor’s heart plummeted.

“Female? You’re a guy, aren’t you?”

“Oh my God. We’ve been dating a whole fucking month. I’m not either gender, remember?”

“Well you have to be something. It’s one or the other underneath your clothes.” Shane looked perplexed.

“Does it matter?”

“Huh?”

“Does it fucking matter what’s under my clothes?”

“Well, of course it does! I’m gay, Taylor. I like dick.”

“Leave.” Taylor pointed toward the door, trying not to let the tears spill from their eyes.

“What the fuck? I thought things were going great between us. I really like you. So why are you acting like this?”

“Because you don’t understand… I’m non-binary. Not male. Not female. You should like me for me. Not my parts.”

“Well… uh… I do like you. For you. And… well… shit.” Shane ran his hand through his hair. “Tay, I’m not sure I can do this. I thought I got the gender neutral thing, but now I’m thinking I really don’t. Sorry.” He stood and walked out the door.

Taylor flopped onto the bed and grabbed their pillow, allowing it to absorb their sobs.

****

“C’mon, Tayley. You love Frostys. I’ll even buy.”

“Thanks, Lukey. I’m not sure I feel like going out. Even for a vanilla Frosty.”

Lucas sat on Taylor’s bed and tickled their side. “This should get you moving.”

Taylor squealed and swatted Lucas’ hand.

“Oh my God. Would you two get the fuck out of here? I’m trying to study!” Ava huffed.

“Fine.” Taylor stood and grabbed their coat from the closet. “You’re paying.”

“Happy to.”

Taylor and Lucas headed to the Wendy’s in the student union. “I don’t know how you can drink a milkshake in this cold.”

“Ice cream is good anytime.”

“I’m sorry about Shane.”

Taylor frowned. “Thanks.”

“For what it’s worth, I think you’re pretty awesome. And there’s more to life than dating. Especially people who can’t see past the surface.”

“You’re pretty awesome too. And I think I’ll take a raincheck on dating. At least for now. So what are you going to get since you’re too much of a wimp to have a milkshake in freezing weather?”

“Chili fries. With extra cheese.”

Taylor made a face. “I’ll stick with the Frosty, thank you very much.”