Spare Me Your Alpha Nonsense - 2. Chapter 2

There’s a whole lot of powdered snow and sloshed up ice on the roads and on the sidewalks as I finally step out of my apartment building. You’d think I’d curse myself for not grabbing a coat and running back up the stairs to the apartment, but this cold barely does anything to me thanks to that non magical defense I have. You might be asking yourself, why would the cold trigger my passive defense? Any non magical damage, regardless of how slight, is absorbed into my non magical defense up to a certain threshold. That includes environmental effects. I can and have lived in pretty repugnant places and managed to be just fine while others would not have had the fortitude to handle it.

Doesn’t mean it wasn’t unpleasant and god awful of course, but I can handle extreme conditions better than most. All of my family can. Hell if the end of the world ever happened, caused by something like a zombie apocalypse or what have you, I can almost guarantee we’d be one of the survivors in that scenario.

No non magical defense is going to save me from falling on my ass from black ice however. No, that passive ability doesn’t do squat for me as my legs fly out from under me and crash my back into the concrete steps leading up to my apartment. I stepped down one fucking step without looking where I’m going and the next thing I know I’m prat falling like I’m in one of those old timey comedy routines with all the slapstick.

Fuck you too universe! Nobody likes you anyway!

Surprisingly, a quite large and warm gloved hand reaches out to help me up. His nice black glove that caught my eye must have been made out of what had to be absurdly expensive materials, which was framed by a furred sleeve coat of equal refinement which made the glove look like it was poking through soft clouds of white. I grab out more to just feel that divinely made glove custom fitted around that quite huge hand than to stand up. Like, I’m telling you this wasn’t just some out of an expensive store kinda material. This thing my hand was gripping, this glove, looked like it cost a fortune all on its own from how it was painstakingly made.

What the hell were these clothes I’m looking at right now doing in my cheap ass apartment complex? I’m pretty sure whatever material I was feeling as I pulled up to my feet could buy out the whole damn place and have plenty of cash left over. The Black Overcoat with that downy, pure white cloudlike fur that puffed out so luxuriously on his cuffs and draped around his collar seemed equally expensive, if not even more so. It hung on that huge body in such a precisely custom fit way that it couldn’t possibly come from anywhere other than a personal tailor.

Did this guy want to get mugged or something? This was not the neighborhood to be wearing expensive crap like this! Hell I’m half tempted to do it myself with how envious I am of the clothes. I can’t even draw my eyes away from looking down at the huge frame of a man with exquisitely shiny dress shoes and custom fitted black pants that pleasingly accentuated his musculature.

Hot damn! I never considered getting a sugar daddy, but fuck, I’d make an exception for whoever had a bod and expensive clothes like this. He’d have to be a gigantic asshole to counteract how hot his body looked right then.

Almost as if my enemy, the universe, was waiting for me to think that very thing, the Catch behind that beautifully dapper giant of a man came into view.

Namely a long and thin pointed tail so red that it seemed to stand out in the sharpest of contrast to the cold and gray world around it. A long, thin, whip like tail of such pure red it was difficult to even glean shadows on it as that pointed tip swept upwards and lightly nudged my chin to look up. Grinning down at me was the thick jawline and equally ruby red face of a horned beast of a man who had rows of devilishly sharp teeth and glowing yellow eyes that seemed to radiate heat itself. He had such feathery black locks of hair draped around pointed red ears and around his glowing eyes, and a neatly trim and cared for black mustache and beard that framed that toothy grin of his.

“You took quite a spill there, Mr. Borisov.”

No! You are not allowed to have a voice that hot sounding god dammit! Universe, buddy, I’m sorry I said everyone hates you okay? Could you call off the literal honest to God demon standing in front of my apartment dressed to the nines?! I’m sure we could work something out right?! Also I’m catching that this guy from what I can only assume must be the cover of Sexy Demon Magazine Monthly might just be a huge problem for me considering he knew not only my name, but my Family name. A name I make a point of not saying out loud most of the time.

“Is this about the poorly spray tanned Blondie chick?” I found myself saying as I gaped up at the man. Fuck! Mouth, what the fuck are you doing man?! You’re going to get the rest of the body killed over here! Brain, quit gawking at those pectoral muscles and get control of mouth before it says something stupid again! Also, we need exit strategies on the double! I’m pretty sure my scrawny ass body isn’t going to do shit against this dude, passive non magical defense be damned! Lets hustle people!

The demon smiled broadly at my question and the inner turmoil that he must be able to read on my face.

“I am a Devil, just to be clear. Not a Demon.” The very tall red man with that far too sexy voice said with that ever present amused grin of his. His voice held this tantalizingly deep rumble to it, and he spoke and pronounced each word in such a sultry way that it was entirely not fair to my poor ears! I would yell ‘get behind me Satan!’ right now, but I’d probably mean that in an entirely different context than what it was originally intended.

“The difference between a Devil and a demon, “His voice rumbled along in that sultry amused tone, never breaking eye contact with me, “would be like comparing a hunting dog to the king of the nation that said hunting dog’s owner resides in. The degrees of separation in caste and social status is so vast that it truly does no one any good to use either word interchangeably.”

I didn’t call him a demon out loud right? Brain, help me out here, did mouth call him a demon? It didn’t. So are we to assume he’s reading our thoughts right now?

“That is correct Mr. Borisov.”

Fuck!

“Listen you’re really just going to have to put up with the internal monologue okay, I have no idea how to shut it off.” I said, trying desperately to ignore the fact that he could hear this part of me speaking. How am I supposed to internally monologue when the other person can hear the stuff in my head?! That’s not fair man!

“More than fine with me Mr. Borisov,” The Devil man leaned closer with that grin of his, “ I find your panicked thoughts quite entertaining. I also can appreciate that you find my body and voice quite attractive.”

Red alert! Red alert! We need to abort! Flee! Maybe some tinfoil would help? I heard that helps block scanning brain waves right? Fuck, come on Universe, what did you have to put this Devil guy out here for man? Do you hate me that much?

“For the record, this actually is slightly to do with, as you so amusingly put it, ‘the poorly spray tanned blondie chick.’ Though not because of what you are thinking.” He stood up straighter and adjusted his fur overcoat. “I actually wanted to thank you for stopping that demon's efforts like you did.”

Devil says what now? Why would he be thanking me for that? My family put more holes in that superpowered chick than the ending of the movie Scarface! They blew that whole compound to cinders by the time they were done with their private helicopter sweeps and on the ground firepower.

“You see Mr. Borisov,” The devil said with a flourish of his wrist, “I had a vacation coming up that I planned on spending on this world to watch this realms apocalypse from a closer perspective, but that demon had almost pulled off the scheduled demolition before my scheduled time off. Thanks to your efforts I was able to start my Hundred Year Vacation precisely where I wanted to be instead of having to find another realm at the last moment.” His grin grew wider, “These end time realms have such lax restrictions on them, I simply did not want to have to spend my sabbatical in a more governed and regulated realm.”

Okay that does not sound good at all. Scheduled demolition? Is that what an apocalypse was to these people? Like getting rid of a condemned building in the slums even though people are still living there.

“A rather apt analogy actually.” The Devil in front of me responded to my inner monologue again. Stop that! At least pretend you can’t hear it god dammit! The red giant of a man moved around me soundlessly, practically sliding on the ground as he put an expensively gloved hand on my shoulder and pointed to a far off apartment building that had recently been condemned.

“I would like to pose you a question Mr. Borisov.” That velvety chocolate rumble of a voice played in my ears. Goddammit stop making your voice sound hot! “Say in a hypothetical scenario the place over there that was condemned had nobody else living in that building. It had no landlords performing maintenance, nobody checking for problems, no governing of the building at all. Nothing at all was being cared for inside this hypothetical building. Mold, wear and tear from outside invading forces kept whittling the integrity of the building. Natural climate further battered the unkempt building, softening its foundations and wearing down its structural integrity. It was falling apart at the seams! Yet, somewhere within that dilapidated and run down proverbial building, there was this one solitary apartment. One Apartment left among all its empty husks of surrounding spaces just like it. Out of every room in that big crumbling building, only one had a semblance of life that, against all odds, still remained with the lights on.” He whispered the next words into my ear, making my body shiver, “would that building still have been condemned?”

“Y-yes, but the people in the room wouldn’t like that to happen. They are living there.”

The Devil chuckled next to my ear. “They always do. Yet that is precisely where your realm finds itself in. Have you looked into what you refer to as ‘outer space’ lately?”

He whispered so softly into my ear, making goosebumps rise on my skin all over. “It’s not supposed to be like that. The Greater Pantheon has long since abandoned this sad and crumbling realm with quite few exceptions. Even with them there are not enough deities paying this particular realm nearly enough attention to this place to warrant saving it. In fact, this realm is such a low priority we’re not even sending our finest demons to carry out the demolition. Noooo… we’re sending what you’d equate to temp workers hired on a job by job basis due to their lack of talent.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Oh boy did I not need this existential dread this morning! Hearing my universe essentially is a condemned building, which is being contracted to be demolished by low skilled labor, is just distressingly and depressingly terrifying not gonna lie here! What am I supposed to even do with such information?

I then jolted upright and pointed an accusatory finger at him. “Wait! Are you the people that made the Denizens of the night invisible to normal people?!”

“No actually.” He said simply, seeming to look up curiously like he could see the Collective Unconscious up there.

“Whatever pulled off Crafting that...” He said pointing his tail up to the clouded sky like he assumed I could see it as well as he continued with approval in his voice. “...hailed from this realm. It was quite impressively made as well. Much more impressive than the crude abjurations gifted upon your bloodline. It also makes maneuvering about this realm a lot easier as I do not need illusory disguises.”

“Gonna need you to speak some type of english over here Hellboy, cause I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

He laughed at that. “I think I saw that movie, I suppose I could see a resemblance, though I can tell you think I’m far more handsome by a wide margin.”

Get out of my head you jackass! “You still haven’t explained why you told me all this!”

“I told you for two reasons actually.” The Devil turned my face towards him with his Gloved hand. “One was I found your family’s efforts to stop them quite entertaining to watch. They are quite the theatrical bunch I must say. The second is, I plan on dedicating part of my vacation to make you hopelessly fall in love with me.”

“Excuse me WHAT?” Oh fuuuuuck this guy, “ You go and fucking threaten my whole goddamned universe,”

“Quite literally goddamned yes,” He interrupted with a smirk

“You know what I mean! Then you follow that up with saying you’re going to seduce me!?”

“I did not say I would seduce you.” The Devil said with an infuriating admonishing tone to his voice. “I said I planned on making you hopelessly fall in love with me. If I wanted to seduce you I’d be able to bed you within the hour.”

“Fuck you!”

“Eventually Mr. Borisov.” This jackass quipped back with that stupid fucking grin on his face. “However, while I am courting you, you are more than free to pursue other individuals within this realm. I give you my word I will not interfere with such efforts. Should you truly fall in love with someone else during that time...”

He leaned in and grinned at me so fucking infuriatingly as he continued, “...and I will know. Then I will personally see to it that the apocalypse is postponed for the entirety of my stay in this realm. Which, to remind you, is the next one hundred years. If you should fall desperately in love with me however, then I shall inform you of what I shall do at that time.”

“You realize you fucking suck at flirting right?” I growled at this jackass of a Devil. Where did he get off making a fucking bet about me falling in love with him after what he just said! Jackass! Yeah I know you can hear me! Fuck you!

“Actually I’m quite adept at the art. So much so that I decided to make things interesting and give myself something of a handicap with you. You see, Mr. Borisov, If I had wanted to make you fall in love with me easily, I would have simply assumed the form of a Denizen of the Night and swept you off your feet in that form. Then I’d simply tell you who I truly was later when you were too in love with me to even care.” His grin took on a smug look as he said his next words, raising and lowering his eyebrows a couple times as he did so. “ It would have been boringly easy. This way I get to enjoy you knowing exactly who and what I am...” He growled his next words, sounding like he was excited by this game, “...and see you fall for me anyway.”

I fucking slugged the bastard in the face. He didn’t even flinch, just looking at my fist before smirking at me. My fist didn’t even push his cheek in much, it was like I had just tapped him with my fist instead of slugging him with a blow I know can break through a brick wall.

“Your hand is delightfully soft Mr. Borisov. When you fall for me, I will delight in using it for my pleasure.”

FUCK YOU CHEEKS, I FEEL YOU HEATING UP! DON’T YOU GODDAMN BLUSH! Brain! Get this blood flow under control now! Do not give this jackass the satisfaction!

“It was a pleasure making your acquaintance Mr. Borisov. I shall be seeing you soon.” The Devil said with a flourish and a bow, grinning at me before turning on his heel and walking away into a smokey portal he conjured out of goddamn nowhere.

Fuck! Like I needed something else to torture my life right now! How am I going to deal with this Jackass! Shit. I could tell just from how he tanked my punch that my family’s abilities were not going to work on him. He was on a whole other level than what we were used to. Plus he didn’t seem like a demon wanting to end the world right away like the blondie. No, he wanted to play a game with me. He wanted to make a game out of seducing me and winning me like some prize that jackass could win at the apocalypse carnival.

Well get in line and take a number asshole, cause you’re far from the only asshole who has tried! All I need is to find a Denizen I can fall in love with before he manages to seduce me when hell freezes over?! Piece of cake! Bring it on Asshat!