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Though not present in every chapter, this story will contain graphic violence, sex, and liberal use of profanity.

Spare Me Your Alpha Nonsense - 4. Chapter 4

The old gal’s engine wont start. Don’t ask me what model the vehicle is I have no fucking Idea. I just know it’s a FORD and it’s from an age where they still used manual rolled up windows and a CD player was considered a hot selling item. She’s an ugly little rust bucket to be honest, but she gets me where I need to go when I actually need to drive somewhere. Granted about twenty five percent of the time my face is getting smoke from where my air conditioner should be. I keep trying to get it fixed, but every time I do the mechanics just stare at me in confusion on why I’m even driving this lumbering corpse of a vehicle.

Cause It was dirt cheap and it actually does technically perform the barest essential task a vehicle should be able to do. Take me from one location to the next. Granted, the poor old gal stalls whenever I run into a traffic light that’s not green and I have to coax her out of another cardiac arrest, but she gets her old ticker of an engine moving again.

So I’m sitting there, twisting my key, listening to my Elder FORD plead for me to let it die already, when the most baffling thing ever happens.


Some normal as fuck dude in a ski mask and what looked like a nine millimeter pistol is attempting to Car Jack me. I couldn’t help it. I kept turning the key, letting the old girl whine and shudder a few more times as I stared at this baffling carjacker incredulously. With a smirk I can barely keep off of my face I ask him a very simple question.

“Out of all the fucking cars you saw on this street, you pick this piece of shit to try and steal? You serious right now?”


I threw my head back and laughed as I put my hand to my forehead. Fucking Christ why did I get out of bed this morning.

“Get in the car.” I ordered. “You and I are going on a drive.”


“Are you? Cause you’re holding that peashooter sideways man, you’re just as liable to hit my car as you are to hit me with that fuckin janked up grip you got on your weapon. Get in the fucking car.”

He tries, but of course my old gal’s passenger seat door is a bit finicky, which is why I leave the window half rolled up.

“Reach inside and open it from the inside, it’s the only way that fucking door opens. Seriously out of all the vehicles on the street you pick this one?”

“Shut the fuck up!” The ski mask wearing man yelled as he got inside of the passenger seat while keeping his gun trained on me. I couldn’t help but notice he actually shifted trying to hold it sideways to upright. Hey, look at that, it can be taught!

“What are you waiting for! Drive!”

I shoot him a dead panned look as I twist the key again, and this time the old Gal coughs and sputters to life, filling the inside of my vehicle with smoke as the whole thing starts to shake and tremble at the thought of being forced to drive once again. Sorry Old Gal, Until you quite literally won’t start any more I’m going to squeeze every fucking mile out of you as I can. Not like I drive you much anyway. Normally I just take a train or the bus, but getting to places like Clareabelle’s store is easier with driving.

“Your engine light is on.” The Ski Mask man said looking at the dash board.

“NOOOOO!” I said in my most scathing sarcastic tone I can muster, “I just got the Old Gal back from the repair guy too! Do you think he might have missed something?”

“Maybe I should get out.” He didn’t seem to like how unfazed I was about the gun at my head.

“Oh nonono! I insist! Think of it as a free Uber! Why I’ll even figure out a complimentary destination for you!”

“You drive where I want or I’ll blow your brains out!” The man yelled at me, sticking the nine millimeter right to the side of my head. I proceed to reach up and snatch the gun out of his hand before he can even react. He starts freaking out and holding his hands up of course as I keep my eyes on the road.

“You’ve never done this before huh? Never leave your gun in a place where your opponent can grab it dumbass. Your bullets shoot at range for a reason! Now this time I want you to point it at me and keep as much distance between us as possible, got it?”

I handed back the gun, holding onto the business end. He looks so confused even under the ski mask as he shakily grabs it and trains it on me with his back against my passenger seat door.

“Wh-What are you playing at! Why did you give my gun back? Are you fucking stupid!?”

“I’m having a real bad day Jack. See you’re a carjacker, so I think Calling you Jack will work for the both of us.”

Jack’s not sure what to do with himself as he keeps an eye out around him as I drive, all while keeping a shaky aim at me.

“You don’t look like you’re carrying anything. Botched robbery?”

“SHUT UP AND DRIVE! FUCK WHY DO YOU TALK SO MUCH! Another word and I’ll shoot you!”

“Oh please do. However if you shoot, do me a favor and empty the whole clip and try to aim center mass. I don’t need you putting any more holes in the old gal than she already has.”

The Carjacker looked at me in some bafflement as we turned another street corner. “What are you suicidal or something? Where the fuck are we going!”

“You know I’ve been asking myself that all day. Where am I going anymore. Most attractive fucker I’ve ever seen comes into my life and I can’t touch him or he might end the universe, and whats worse is he’s got me so goddamn randy now that I’m half tempted to go back home and just let that Alpha pound the shit out of me just to get me to calm the fuck down. I know I shouldn’t reward him for fucking my bathroom up like that, but if he has that apartment clean I might just say fuck it and ride that weird ass knotted cock of his.”

“You’re a faggot?!” The Ski mask man yelled in a higher register voice. He sounded almost scared. My carjacker can’t be this cute!

I felt an impish grin play on my face. “Why? Does that excite you Jack? Trapped in some rust bucket, going god knows where with some professed faggot who isn’t scared of your little peashooter?”

I let my words play in such a way that he wasn’t sure I was talking about his pistol or the firearm between his legs. He tries to work himself up into a rage as he trains his gun even harder on me.

“I-I’m not fucking gay! Don’t you fucking play with me!”

I laugh as I keep my hands ten and two on the steering wheel. “Holy shit you really are closeted?! Fuck man I was taking a shot in the dark on that one! How long have you known?”

“Sh-Shut up!”

“What’s stopped you from coming out man? Religious parents? Afraid of bullies in school? Uncle touch you in a bad place?”

He panicked and pulled the trigger on that last one. A normal human’s ears would be ringing and damaged from the sound of the gunshot, but my non magical defense prevents such damage from happening to my hearing. The bullet hits the side of my head, but as it does so its momentum is absorbed into the non magical defense so much that it didn’t even so much as touch my skin before it dropped from being a millimeter from being in my hair and bounced off my shoulder into the passenger seat.

I didn’t even skip a beat as I kept talking as he stared at his gun in confusion and fright. He looked like he wasn’t expecting to actually shoot it, which spooked him. Then he found the gun hadn’t done anything, which spooked him even more.

“Had an uncle perv huh? I get it dude, having a bad experience like that can make you scared that he made you like that or something. Ever thought about talking about that with someone!”

“What the fuck!? Why didn’t the gun work? Did that guy sell me blanks?”

The Collective Unconscious at it again making him rationalize why his gun didn’t work instead of acknowledging that his bullet didn’t do shit to me.

“Well? Have you?”

“What the fuck do you want man?! Where are you taking me?” Why did Jack sound like I was the one kidnapping him now?

“I have no clue honestly. I’m just trying to stick to the side roads so I don’t have to see a traffic light.” Well that wasn’t exactly true, I generally had an idea where I wanted to go, but I wasn’t sure how to get there from Claire’s shop. “So have you talked with someone about your uncle?”

“Why do you even care!?”

“I’ve had a bad day, and I’m curious: Why has some guy who’s never done a crime a day in his life decided to attempt to rob some store, failed miserably at it from the looks of you, and then attempting to carjack the worst Fix Or Repair Daily in the Tri-state area? You’re probably some paper pusher right? Office Jockey?”

Another couple shots out of the man’s gun at me, this one at my arm and my side. Both bullets halt a fraction of an inch away from my skin like the first one and flop uselessly down towards the Old Gal’s floor. The One on my side actually punched through my shirt and fell down inside of it instead, the bullet actually getting caught by the waist of my jeans.

“Shit! Shit! Why are they all blanks!”

“So Jack, who are you in trouble with? Cause that’s the only reason I can think of someone like you who hasn’t done a crime in his life would be doing something like this right now. I’m not getting the feeling you’re a druggie either from the way you carry yourself. Gambling debt? Loan sharks?”

He threw the gun on the ground and buried his face in his hands in frustration. Oh yeah, he sucks at this. He has no fucking clue what he’s doing at all.

“J-just let me out of the car man, I’ll leave you alone.” He sounded so dejected. It was actually kinda cute if you got over the fact he tried to shoot me three times over. My own ability to feel fear with small arms was practically non-existent since my family played with small arms like this with each other like a normal person would play with PaintBalls. We’d go out in the woods when I was a kid with semiautomatic weapons and tactical armor and just shoot the shit out of each other from behind cover until we didn’t have any coverings left on our bodies. It was one of the few memories I have of my family I actually liked.

Being held at gunpoint like this was just fuckin nostalgic to me more than anything.

“Sure, after you answer my questions Jack The Closeted Paper Pusher with the Pervy Uncle. Who are you in trouble with?”

“I took this loan okay! I thought I could make the deal work fast enough that the interest wouldn’t matter, but the deal turned out to be a scam and now the men I got the money from want their money back and the interest keeps piling up! They keep taking shit from my apartment man! I don’t even have a bed anymore!”

“Holy shit,” I chuckled as I turned another street corner in my trembling Ford. “You got fleeced like a motherfucker didn’t you?”

“W-what do you mean?”

“Bitch who do you think scammed your dumbass?!” I said, laughing louder, “Fucker those guys got you fuckin good! Made you some kind of get rich quick scheme deal right? Then they probably said they ‘knew a guy’ who could loan you some money but you’d have to pony up some cash yourself right?” The man was staring at me dumbfounded through his ski mask as I laughed even harder. Holy shit! “Jacky boy, come on now you didn’t smell the scam a mile away off this fucking deal?”

“What am I going to do?!” Ski Mask Jack lamented into his hands again, “Some teenager who just got his first car is smarter than me. I’m fucking useless.”

“Oh! That’s why you picked this car!” I said in dawning realization. “You think I’m some teenage punk you could scare easily right? How old do you think I am?”

“I-I don’t know, f-fifteen? Sixteen?” The guy said as he looked apprehensively at me, “I’m not so sure anymore. You just look like some snot nosed skinny teen at a distance but you don’t talk like one at all.”

“That’s cause I’m twenty-eight dumb dumb.” I retorted with a smirk. He looked at me baffled but I just rolled my eyes as I turned another street, now recognizing some landmarks and street signs. “My family got some bangin genes, we all look younger than we actually are.”

“Holy Shit.” The guy said in some bafflement. He was calming down at least.

Which was nice cause we were pulling up to the police station. He froze in his seat and looked at me in a panic.

“Now don’t you give me those puppy dog eyes Jacky boy, you tried to shoot me three times with that blank filled gun remember?” I wagged my finger at him, playing into his rationalization that his gun was useless. “Now you are going to go inside of the station and you’re going to tell them exactly what you did today. I’ll be a buddy Jack, and I’ll leave out that you shot your gun at me. We’ll just say you tried to carjack me and I talked you into turning yourself in, which is the fuckin truth by the way.”

I put my finger to his chest. “Tell them about the loan sharks, tell them why you did what you did, and get an attorney to soften up any charges they might give you. You’re a first timer so they’ll be lenient anyway. After that, work with them to get those loan sharks and talk with them about getting some therapy about that Uncle business. No reason you need to be holding that shit in.”

Jacky boy was actually sniffling behind his ski mask and thanking me as I got out with him and walked him into the station. Yeah he tried to shoot me, but with him holding his gun like that he was going to fire that gun with every nervous twitch he had. At least the dumbass ran into me instead of someone else who could have actually got hurt or worse. Then his ass would have been in a whole lot more trouble than just a gloriously failed convenience store robbery, which I later found out was manned by some teenager witch who made stuff fly at him from all directions like a damn poltergeist. The security footage was fucking hilarious not gonna lie.

Copyright © 2020 Demented; All Rights Reserved.
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Chapter Comments

46 minutes ago, drpaladin said:

This chapter was absolutely hilarious.

I must admit, I did think of just leaving "LOL" as my comment.

Poor guy. Just wasn't his day. However, if he follows through on his instructions, he'll be golden from now on.

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Wow another awesome chapter, I cannot wait everyday to read the next chapter to have really good chuckle, you picture the surprise and horror in the kid 

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i have been laughing my ass off at this guy since chapter one,  thanks for the laughs!!! keep going, i have to know what happens next!


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I can only hope Ski Mask Jack makes a reappearance! Or at least another character to come along for Hunter to just roast. And I mean...roast! 

This is the greatest story I have ever read! Hands down! I want this story to go on until the end of time if this is going to be the tone. This story, in my hindsighted opinion...is so all over the place. My high school English teacher would fling this story back at me in hopes that the staple gets put into my skull. But my initial opinion stands:  this is a fantastic story! My wishes for this story to have 50+ chapters...

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23 minutes ago, astone2292 said:

I can only hope Ski Mask Jack makes a reappearance! Or at least another character to come along for Hunter to just roast. And I mean...roast! 

This is the greatest story I have ever read! Hands down! I want this story to go on until the end of time if this is going to be the tone. This story, in my hindsighted opinion...is so all over the place. My high school English teacher would fling this story back at me in hopes that the staple gets put into my skull. But my initial opinion stands:  this is a fantastic story! My wishes for this story to have 50+ chapters...

Hunter is so much fun to write for. I doubt it would win any professional awards, but the whole point of it is capturing the vibe of someone really eccentric and sassy telling you about their day while they do stuff. A lot of these werewolf/vampire/modern supernatural stories are so serious and melodramatic, I thought it'd be fun to insert someone like Hunter into such a setting to see how it'd play out. 

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