Spare Me Your Alpha Nonsense - 8. Chapter 8

Fuck this whole fucking universe. I say to any god who can hear me they can suck my goddamn dick. Can't have a single goddamn nice thing without having it go to shit. Oh I hear you over there; 'What's wrong Hunter? Not only have you reunited with Felix after all this time, he wasn't even mad at you for avoiding him for months! Plus he seems totally into you! What's the problem?'

The problem is he's fucking normal, how many times do I got to drill this into your goddamn thick skull. He's fucking perfect, no denying it. Thanks to Felix’s keen fashion sense and my aunt's spending ability, my ass was looking good as I sat in the back seat of Agatha’s armored SUV. God how did Felix know how to pick hair extensions so well.

“Hunty Wunty! Oh my lord! You’re gorgeous!” Agatha had squealed in the store, turning all the heads in the general area. My aunt had the kind of money that she could pull all kinds of shenanigans and get away with it by paying off the management. We were able to waltz into various stores and just take the places over to do our clothing and makeup. Felix was impressed by Agatha’s seemingly bottomless wallet and took to the temporary bump in tax bracket like the queen he is, getting the most premium materials he could get his hands on to doll the two of us up.

My ass looked damn hot with those black locks of hair draped down the sides of my modestly done up face. Felix always insisted I didn’t need much makeup to do drag cause I was plenty cute enough as it was, and goddamn I forgot how good it felt to be in these fucking outfits. My Eyelashes were smokey, my hair was on point, and I turned heads of fuckin straight ass dudes as I walked to the car with the other two.

That didn’t even touch this sexy ass cocktail dress and high heels I had on. Gurl let me tell you what I can fucking rock me some high heels as long as they fit my feet properly. Thanks to my passive non magical defense, my body rejects any shoes that would legitimately damage my feet, but if it would cause just minor discomfort it seems to be fine with that. I don’t feel a damn thing when I wear them, and I am something of a natural walking in those things because they don’t hurt my feet like they do other guys who try out drag.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Hunter, if you love dressing in drag so much, why don’t you do it on your own? Bitch, do you think I know how Felix turns me into this?! I have tried and tried to listen to Felix explain to me about contouring and baking and highlighting and all that jazz and I swear to any god that’d have me I can’t retain any of it for shit. Oh I love to sit in the chair and let Felix work his magic with me, and I love seeing myself turn from a runt of a man into a demure sexy ass queen for a night, but I am at a complete loss on how to do it myself.

I can do myself up in camouflage. I know how to blend into the woods with mud and sticks and leaves. I know how to dress so that I look unassuming and go unnoticed in a crowd. I know what materials are good for strangling someone and what materials are good for tying people up. The training I got growing up taught me all that shit and more. Absolutely none of it talked to me about how to get fuller eyelashes and what makeup plays nice with my non magical defense.

Hunter, wait, this sounds like you were having a good time! Why were you cussing out the universe and the gods if you were having a good time? You’re right, I was having a great time. So great a time I left my phone in my aunts car while we had been out shopping and dolling ourselves up for our night on the town. Why would I need it right? Not like I was expecting a call from anyone?

Almost as if the universe was waiting for me to leave my phone alone, that is precisely when all the calls and texts from Abigail decided to happen.

"Hunter you fucking jackass pick up your goddamn phone! Morgana Le Peppins is coming for you! I tried to keep this apocalypse shit a secret but she found out through her fucking reflection magic! get to fucking safety and avoid all reflective surfaces till this blows over!"

This and many other messages like it met my face as soon as I checked my goddamn phone offhandedly. I almost wish I fucking hadn’t looked and just left myself in ignorance. I was sitting in the back with Felix, the both of us looking fine as hell and he had the smuggest look on his goddamn cute face. He must have been able to tell I was quite pleased with my outfit, and that made my face heat up almost immediately and made me wiggle deeper into my seat. My aunt was all smiles as well. The woman lost her damn mind squealing and laughing when she saw the two of us walk out dolled up like we were. It was a sight to behold seeing my well over seven foot tall Auntie fawning over her nephew and somebody she had just met in public like that. It felt good though. I was smiling even.

Then I had the misfortune of looking down and seeing all the messages on the phone I missed that was from hours ago. By now we were driving down the highway with it pouring rain and it being dark as shit outside. Normally this would be a sign to call it a night, but the good vibes in the armored SUV had been so overwhelming we didn’t even consider turning in with the weather. The more I read the messages Abagail left on my phone however, the more I realized instead of a club we needed to head into a fucking bomb shelter as soon as possible.

Let me paint you a Picture of Morganna Le Peppins for you. My family has been waging war with the denizens of the night for generations. They’ve defeated everyone from Dracula to people you never even heard of. So when there is someone among the denizens that has garnered a reputation and has been a long standing thorn in the side of every Borisov for hundreds of years, you can understand that this is not the usual threat we are dealing with.

Morgana Le Peppins is one of those people. She is a witch who has lived for hundreds of years, inspiring many urban myths and legends about women who either live in mirrors, are summoned by mirrors, or have some other mysterious connection with their reflection. You know that cliche where you’re in a bathroom washing your face and you look up and there’s someone behind you in the mirror, and when you turn around there’s nobody there? That’s her whole shtick. You know the Bloody Mary chant where you try to summon Bloody Mary to visit you in a dark room with a mirror. Also her.

Morgana is so dangerous to my family because she can target people without actually being in the same fucking room as them. As long as there’s some reflective glass somewhere in your general vicinity, she can Final Destination pretty much anyone to death. Yeah I said Final Destination, those janked movies where death itself animates objects and causes weird accidents to kill people. Morgana does that shit for a living, working as a contract killer for mundanes for premium prices and arranges for ‘accidents’ to happen to them regardless of how secure they think they are.

“You doing okay darling? Someone text you something nasty?” Felix asked me as he looked at my change in expression. Given the fact I could practically feel the blood draining from my face I probably looked like I had seen a fucking ghost to Felix from my reaction. I didn’t know what to do though. I couldn’t come out and Say Morgana’s name to Agatha. We were in an SUV surrounded by glass windshields. If I said her name near one of those right now I could end up giving away my location to her. That was assuming the fucking witch hadn’t already found us. She was the type of bitch to lurk in reflections till the time was exactly right.

It took me a second to remember the hand gestures from back in my old days living with the Borisovs, but I recalled enough to flash a few signs at Agatha. She almost immediately tensed up when I confirmed what I had signed by repeating it again. Felix could tell the armored SUV was getting a lot more tense now as I looked outside the back of our window. Outside in the pouring rain was a flowing river of traffic, but among them were several motorcycles that seemed to be bobbing and weaving through cars as a much faster clip than other vehicles were going. Shit.

Shit!

“Agatha, get off the highway and try to put as much distance between us and pedestrians as possible.”

“But Hunter…”

“Fucking do it Auntie, If we’re going to be dealing with this I don’t want there to be fucking bystanders getting hurt.”

“Whoa whoa whoa, I’m clearly out of the loop here. What are you two talking about all of a sudden?” Felix said as he looked between the two of us with concern on his face. “I don’t know what was on that text of yours but it sounds serious from the way you two are Agh!”

Right then the SUV lurched to the side, and it took Agatha gripping onto the wheel and powerfully turning it back on course that prevented us from absolutely spiralling out of control. She was handling her steering wheel like it was a bucking bronco trying to snatch itself away from her, and it was everything my aunt could do not to have our vehicle flip over in the middle of the highway.

Felix pressed himself against the back of the seat and his eyes bulged out as we started accelerating faster and driving more erratically. What was worse was through the rain drenched windshields we could see that our vehicle wasn’t the only one going out of control. Pretty much every car and truck that was surrounding Agatha’s armored Suv had gained a mind of its own and started veering towards us and ramming themselves into our vehicle. This did not help Agatha maintain control of her vehicle one bit, but somehow she managed to keep the steering wheel pretty much under her control despite how much her face was straining.

Morgana was animating parts of the SUV and all the vehicles around us, seizing control of the vehicles to cause an accident. It wouldn’t kill a Borisov, but it would limit our mobility for the real attack they had planned.

“BREAK THE WINDOWS AND DON’T LET ANY OF THE GLASS STAY IN THE CAR.” Agatha roared out as she elbowed her bullet proof glass and blew it out completely before ripping out her rear-view mirror from the roof of her car and chucking it out the side. I didn’t need to be told twice as I stood up and unceremoniously kicked off my heels in the swerving vehicle and slammed my stockinged foot into the bullet proof glass. Felix watched bug eyed at me in my cocktail dress as I pivoted on my heel and used the kick from before to blow out the back windshield and send the thick panes of glass flying.

“Wh-what are you two doing?!” Felix called out, though it was much harder to hear him now that the high speed winds and rain from outside was invading the vehicle. I scooped Felix away from where he was sitting and put my body between him and his door as I back kicked the window, sending more flying out into the highway. The Freeway was utter pandemonium now. Everything from cars to eighteen wheelers were swerving and losing control around us, trying to crash into Agatha’s armored suv, all the while the vehicle itself was trying to swerve out of control on my aunt. It was only her ability to maintain control of the vehicle despite the high speeds and utter chaos outside of us that kept our Suv from absolutely tumbling out of control. That was especially impressive considering how top heavy armored vehicles tended to be.

“What is happening?!” Felix yelled out to me as the highway continued to grow chaotic. Both in front of us and behind us, and even in the next lane where vehicles were going the complete opposite direction, traffic was being controlled and manipulated by Morgana to pin our Armored SUV down.

“Agatha! We need to abandon the vehicle! Get to somewhere she can’t find us!”

On the floor of the SUV, my phone has been getting jostled all over the place. However it suddenly stopped and began hovering in front of my face as I held Felix against me. The dimly reflective surface of my phone screen lit up with the clear reflection of a woman daintily sipping on a Tea cup on a bright sunny day in what looked like a villa. Much like Agatha, she had the dressing sense of someone from a much earlier era. She however was much smaller and daintier looking than my Aunt, and showed the signs of aging a bit more than Agatha did, though not by much.

“You see,” Morgana said, stirring her spoon in her teacup, “In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun aaaaand,” she snapped her fingers, and right at that moment an eighteen wheeler groaned and slammed into the pavement in front of our SUV as it peeled off to the side. It rolled over our vehicle as we barreled passed it, though not without causing the armored chassis to crumple a bit under its weight, “Snap, the jobs a game!”

Felix’s eyes were locked onto the screen of the floating phone, trying to piece together what was going on. As Morgana continued, she began to sing in a mockingly jovial tone as she sat in her relaxed position at her villa.

“And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake,” she held up a small slice of cake as emphasis, patently jarring juxtaposed to the pandemonium going on around us. “A lark, a spree, it’s very clear to see~”

“Hunter is-is she singing a Spoonful of Sugar at us?” Felix managed to ask incredulously despite how terrified he was right then. The sheer absurdity of hearing those lines at this very moment during what had to be the worst multi car pileup in recent memory was enough to snap him out of his terrified stupor.

She was indeed singing A Spoonful Of Sugar by Marry Poppins, a character that was based off of this crazy bitch. She managed to sing a few more lines before I kicked my phone out of the air and out of the vehicle entirely. She loved to have her gloating musical numbers when she was on a roll. Unfortunately the frantic honks of the vehicles around us began to honk into the melody and rhythm of that fucking song.

Morgana was just showing off now. We need to get out of this fucking traffic and away from reflective surfaces to lose track of her. As long as her reflections had a bead on us she’ll be able to keep causing havoc. The worst part is, if she was doing this much to box us in and try to disable my Aunts maneuverability, that meant there were witches in the area that were ready to capitalize on this.

Almost as response to this, a group of motorcycles that had been going down the opposite highway took to the air with a choreographed leap with the ones that had been following behind us, and both groups kept sailing upwards into the air as they tilted themselves towards the SUV. Both Agatha and I knew what this shit was going to do. In a flash I scooped Felix up and the three of us bounded out of the vehicle as far as our Passive non magical defence would send us.

Right at that moment, magical fireballs shot out in tandem from the flying motorcycles front lights and engulfed the vehicle in magical flames. We kept moving, bounding forward off the road as fast as we could in our dresses and stockings as more fireballs crashed into the ground around us. That is the thing with Morgana. She controls the environment and disorients a Borisov enough that the evocation witches have time to land a clean magical blast on us.

Agatha had managed to grab an automatic weapon as she got out of the SUV, and she wasted no time turning around and training her massive rifle on the flying motorcycles. Suddenly the night was lit up with the loud explosive rounds of her high caliber automatic rifle. Several of the flying motorcycles were hit almost immediately, and despite the abjuration shields that was thrown up to stop the bullet, each round seemed to be explosive in and of themselves. It didn’t take much to crash through their barriers and take out several of the flying witches. The others peeled away in the air and regrouped on the swoop back down, getting ready for another bombardment of magical fire. Spells like that would kill us just as easily as it would a mundane, so it was not something to scoff at.

Agatha showed off her centuries of experience on the battlefield however as she calmly trained the automatic weapon and let out another volley into the night air. Right then, several vehicles drove off the road under the command of Morgana. I acted without thinking, darting forward and slamming my body into the small car and grabbing onto it even as it ripped my dress up. The family inside of it looked scared out of their wits, but I was preventing their car from moving any further.

“GET OUT OF THE CAR, I’M HOLDING IT STILL!” I yelled at them, and thankfully they had sense enough to listen and unbuckle, scurrying out of their vehicle. My face scrunched in concentration after they got a safe enough distance and I twisted my body enough to flip the vehicle on its back, all before systematically ripping a couple tires out of the vehicle to prevent it from going anywhere. Felix looked at me with a beyond shocked expression on his face, but I did not have time to deal with that.

“Agatha! Come on! We need to get out of Morgana’s line of sight! As long as she can find us she’s going to keep getting pedestrians involved!”

Felix followed us into the wooded area beside the highway as we made our escape. Agatha knew our family’s safehouses were better than I did, and those were pretty much the only places that were going to be able to get us out of Morgana’s sight long enough to lose her trail. Felix looked absolutely shell shocked by everything that happened. I have absolutely no idea how he was going to rationalize any of this. I’m just glad I managed to get him out of there relatively unscathed. My non magical defense managed to shield him from the worst of it, though he was not without his nicks and bruises, and he did seem to be limping now.

Fuck this day I swear.