1968 - 9. Chapter 9

March 13, 1968

I got dressed as quickly as I could and headed to Sam's room. He wasn't home. I left a note on his bed, asking him if he'd hang with me tonight, and then I headed to campus. It was still early, so I figured I'd get some work done. By the time I got to the end of the driveway, I changed my mind again and decided to just go for a drive.

I headed to I-280, which is just a spectacular, scenic highway, and barreled south, down through Los Altos Hills and into Cupertino. Then I turned around and headed north again, passing Palo Alto, enjoying the view of the reservoir. When I reached Hillsborough I turned around and went back home.

All alone in my car, with the top down and the wind whipping around me, I let my thoughts and my emotions run completely wild. Only they didn't. Once the initial reaction was over, I realized that I really wasn't all that upset by what Jeff had said. It seemed that my entire relationship with him, from the time we met until now, had been one screaming roller coaster ride. There were big hills and dips, and as long as emotional stimulation was what I wanted, he could provide it.

I always blamed myself for those extremes, took the responsibility and attributed it to my own erratic behavior. But that had changed. The last year had been all him. The drugs, in and out of rehab, the pledges of undying love, and then as soon as he was stable he dumped me for someone else. No, I was in a stable mode, he wasn't. I thought about how I had cried when Peter mentioned Andre. All of Jeff's erratic emotional swings had made me weak. My walls were blown down, and anything that happened was liable to go right through to my core. I'd left myself dangerously vulnerable. It was time to fix that.

I got home in time for dinner and put on my happy facade. Jeff knew there was something wrong, not by the way I acted, but because he couldn't read my thoughts. I had blocked him, and he couldn't get in. He seemed worried, but I ignored him. Sam was there, charming and handsome as ever, and totally devoted to me. Why shouldn't I focus on him? Why should I waste my emotional capital on a guy who constantly fucked me over?

Everyone was pretty upset about Janice, but we didn't talk about it. Instead, we all tried to make sure Brad felt welcome. After dinner the kids went to their playroom and I headed out on the patio to smoke a joint. Sam followed me out there, as did Jeff and Stefan. I took a hit and passed it to Sam, he took one and passed it to Stefan, and then Stefan took one and passed it back to me. I found that I didn't give a shit if Jeff got high or not. It was his life, his decision. This is my house, and I like to smoke weed in the evenings, so by God I'm going to.

The weed relaxed me and let me block him even more, and soon I was having a really pleasant conversation with Stefan and Sam. I told Stefan all about Peter and Deke, and how he had to come with me next time. I smiled inside to see Jeff get irritated at the thought that Stefan was going to run around with me and fuck other guys. Sam didn't quite believe me that Deke's dick was really that big.

It was getting late and I was tired, so I grabbed Sam's hand and said goodnight to Jeff and Stefan. Stefan smiled at me. Jeff looked visibly disturbed. I ignored him. When Sam and I got to my bedroom I turned to close the door and saw Jeff coming down the corridor. I closed the door and locked it, not exactly in his face, but almost.

Sam wrapped his strong arms around me, his smell wafting up to my nose, his mouth, fresh with the taste of smoking pot, on mine, and his moaning as we kissed stimulated all of my senses. “I missed you JP. I missed you a lot. It was lonely without you here.”

“Didn't you hang with Stefan and Jeff?” I asked.

He looked uncomfortable. “No, they pretty much stuck to themselves. In the evenings I mostly hung out with Isidore. She's a really nice person.” He suddenly got a panicked look. “I didn't fuck her or anything.”

I laughed. “You and Isidore can do whatever you want together. She is a great person. I love her. A lot.”

He relaxed. “Thanks. It's just that the guys were so absorbed in each other I didn't want to intrude, and I was kind of lonely. It worked out well though, because with Isidore I made a good friend.”

“So you must be pretty horny?” I asked.

“Fuck yeah,” he said, and started taking off his clothes. It seemed like I jumped into bed and from the time I leaped off the floor to the time I landed I had somehow ended up naked.

I felt his hard body on top of me, grinding into me, and reached down to grab his muscular ass cheeks, all the time surrendering to the assaults of his tongue in my mouth. The grinding got more intense and more urgent until he pulled his mouth off mine and moved it to my ear. “Your body is so hot just rubbing against you is gonna make me cum. I can't hold back baby. I gotta cum.” He was such an animal, so masculine and raw, it was almost primitive and I loved it. As he came he groaned loudly and bit my neck, not hard, but enough so that I could feel his teeth. That did it, set me off like a roman candle.

We lay in bed together afterwards and I felt great. Sam was awesome. When he lay next to me, he didn't put his head on my chest, he lay sideways next to me with his mouth near my ear. He put his leg over me, kind of pinning me but making me feel safe and protected, and he used his free hand to play with my chest, my hair, my nose, or whatever body part seemed to intrigue him at the time. I felt close to him, and I felt my guard going down. I felt that mental connection, the same kind I'd had with Jeff. It made me nervous, and I withdrew, not physically, but emotionally.

“What's the matter,” he cooed into my ear. With his mouth next to my ear his breaths blew gently against my lobe, and he lowered his voice volume to the perfect level so his words were incredibly intimate.

“Nothing. I really like being here with you. You are a very sexy man.”

“And?”

I reluctantly moved away from his ear and turned so I could look at him. “And what?” I asked.

“There's something bothering you. There's a lot of shit going on around here. I mean, Janice dumps Brad off and goes and kills herself. Is that it?”

His eyes, beautiful dark brown eyes, gazed into mine. They were like a truth serum. “No.” I paused. I really didn't want to talk about this. “I never told you about Stefan and me, and how our relationship changed, did I?” He shook his head.

“We were really tight, hot and heavy, and his grandmother, my aunt, caught us making out in her house. She got pissed at me and threw me out, and Stefan could have said something, could have stopped it, could have defended me, but he didn't. Instead, he served me up to save his own ass.” I held up my hand to stop him. “I'm not mad at Stefan anymore, but I was then. But after I left their house, and cried about it for a little bit, I found that it really didn't bother me. It was like someone flipped a switch, and I just didn't love him, not that way anyway, anymore. That must sound really cold to you.”

He smiled and shook his head, leaning in to kiss my briefly. “You're not cold. You just seem that way on the outside. On the inside you're on fire.”

I grinned at him. “Sweet talker. You trying to make me horny? You want to fuck, or you want me to go on.”

“Talk,” he said. “Then we'll fuck.” I giggled.

“So now Stefan and I are great friends, and I love to have sex with him once in a while, and he's definitely up there as one of the most important people in my life, but I'm not in love with him. If he was a girl, I'd say that I don't ever see myself settling down with him and getting married.”

“So did he piss you off?” Sam asked.

“No. I came home today and heard about Janice and I was really upset. So I went looking for Jeff. He's the one I always turned to for strength. He's always been my rock.” I saw Sam try to hide the fact that it bothered him that I was saying this. “When I went in his room, he and Stefan were fucking and they didn't see me. He told Stefan that he loved him more than anything, more than me.” Sam's eyes changed to concern. He was worried about me getting hurt.

“I'm sorry JP. I kind of saw this coming while you were gone. They've been pretty inseparable. We were playing around in the pool one evening, the three of us, but after a little bit I felt kind of unwelcome.”

“It's OK. So I took off and went for a long drive, and after I thought about it I really wasn't all that sad. I've been on such a roller coaster with Jeff; it was like I'd finally, after all this time, had enough. I still love him, and I still want him in my life, but he's more like Stefan is to me.”

He kissed me and I felt his hard cock poking me. I pushed him onto his back and moved my mouth down to his dick and engulfed him. He moaned. “Oh yeah, that feels so good.” I reached up and rubbed some of our cum from the last orgasm onto my finger to lube it, and I gently inserted it into his ass. He cringed at first but then loosened up and let me find his spot. Now he was really moaning, moaning and thrusting. I opened my mouth wide so I wasn't stimulating him as much and just let him rely on my finger to get off. He kept fucking at my open mouth, getting just a lick when he did, so he shifted gears and worked his ass into my finger, driving himself into a frenzy. Then he blew. His first shot flew out of his dick and hit me in the face. After that I dove down on him and swallowed the rest of his essence.

“I think we need a shower,” I teased. He followed me into the bathroom.

“That was amazing. Is that what it feels like when I fuck you?”

“No. When you fuck me it's like that times ten, maybe more.”

“Wow. I want you to fuck me JP.”

“Right now, we're gonna take a shower.” He laughed and got under the water with me.

March 14, 1968

I woke up with Sam next to me in his usual position, with his arm and leg draped across me protectively. I kissed him and woke him up. “Morning handsome,” I said.

“Morning babe,” he replied. His morning wood was pushing at me, and mine was thrusting straight up. He moved his hand down and stroked me. “It's time,” he said.

“Time for what?” I asked.

“Time for you to fuck me.”

“You know Sam; I love it when you're inside me. This isn't something you have to do.”

“I know. But I want to.”

I rolled him over and stood behind him. “OK, brace yourself!” I said. He turned around and looked at me with fear in his eyes. I started laughing. “I'm just kidding.” He was about to give me shit when I dove into his crack and started working his hole with my tongue. He thrust back into me, and I replaced my tongue with my finger, then two fingers, lubing and loosening him.

I rolled him over and took his dick in my mouth, getting him all fired up. Then I lay on my back. “OK, sit on my cock,” I ordered. He did as he was told, gingerly lowering himself onto me, and then stopping when the pain was too much.

“Damn this hurts,” he said, frustrated.

“Take your time and don't be such a pussy,” I joked, and that made him laugh. While he was laughing I pushed up into him a bit. He froze. I reached up and rubbed his tummy. “Worried you'll get pregnant?” He laughed some more, relaxed some more, and lowered himself some more. Then I tickled him. He was really ticklish on his sides, and he went into convulsions of laughter and without even thinking about it took my whole dick up his ass.

He looked at me, surprised, and I felt him tense. “Relax Sam. Move slowly, up and down, and forward and back. You know that spot I hit with my finger. Line my dick up with it.” He moved up and down and I moaned. “Damn, you are so tight, and so hot, you're driving me nuts.” Of all the techniques I'd tried, that one worked the best. He really was into me, and giving me that much pleasure was enough for him to hide any pain he felt. He continued to move up and down and I thrust into him, moving with him. I looked down and his dick, which had been limp and dangling when he first took me inside him, was now erect and leaking. He looked down at me with a crazed look. I pushed him off of me and onto his stomach, and then I entered him and took charge. I was too keyed up to be gentle now, and he was too keyed up to want me to. I varied my angle to make sure that I hit his spot, and moved in and out of him with a purpose.

Now he was responding, he was pushing his ass back into me and moaning like crazy, and then he'd push his cock against the bed, letting the soft sheets rub him to orgasm. When he came, he was unglued. It was awesome. He was such an animal anyway, and being fucked seemed to release any remaining controls. He squirmed and writhed, thrusting and yelling, until finally he was spent. I pulled my dick out of him and leaned forward and kissed his neck.

He rolled over and grabbed me, pulling me into a hug and then a passionate kiss. “JP, I need to tell you something, but I don't want you to be mad at me.”

I was nervous and defensive. What now? “Go ahead Sam. It will be OK.”

“I love you. I mean, I really really love you. Totally.” He seemed nervous.

“You know Sam, that's the nicest thing you can say to someone. Why would I be mad at you?”

“Well, I know you have other guys in your life, and I didn't want you to be pressured or think I was flipping out on you.”

I smiled and kissed him tenderly. “Yesterday, when the switch went off with Jeff, that wasn't the only thing I figured out. I love you too.” The huge smile on his face was priceless.

He went off to class while I took a shower. When I came out of the shower, Jeff was there waiting for me. “Hey,” I said cheerfully and gave him a quick kiss.

“Hey,” he said, and wrapped his arms around me. “You OK?”

“I'm actually doing great. Really good. Especially considering that Janice killed herself and we've got another kid to raise.” He grimaced.

“You mad at me?” he asked.

“I'm not mad at you. I'm just not in love with you anymore.” If I had hit him in the gut, it wouldn't have impacted him more.

“You don't love me anymore?”

“I didn't say that,” I said, trying to reassure him. “Of course I love you. But I love you like I love Stefan.”

“How can you say that baby? I thought we were everything to each other?”

My eyebrows narrowed. “Now you're pissing me off. Don't play me. If you're not gonna be honest, get the fuck away from me.” My anger surprised both of us. He looked at me, waiting for me to continue, but I just stared at him.

There was a knock on the door and Stefan peeked in. He saw us together and looked alarmed, and then he made to leave. I waved at him and when he came in I gave him a big hug. Jeff just stared at us. “I'm hungry. You guys wanna go get breakfast?”

Jeff shook his head. “I think I'll just stay here,” Stefan said, worried.

“Alright, well I'm off. I'll see you guys at dinner.” I kissed them both on the lips and headed out to my car, feeling pretty proud of myself for being so restrained.

After I left Escorial the two of them didn't even enter my mind. I was happy and I wasn't sure exactly why, but it was nice. I got to my office and worked on the outline of my book.

“Morning JP,” said Dr. Falstead as he stuck his head in my office.

“Morning Dave,” I said cheerfully.

“Your talk at UCLA got rave reviews from the faculty. It's a shame you didn't draw more students.”

“I think it's the way they promoted it. I'm going to have to work on that with Harvard when I go out there in a few weeks. Plus I'm thinking about writing a book.”

“Really? Think it will take long?” He was thinking about my research productivity.

“No. I think I'll make it my summer project. If I can't get it done by then, I'll put it on the sidelines. I won't let you down Dave.”

“JP, I never even thought about that. Your record deserves more respect than that. But I do have a publisher that I've worked with, if you’re interested, and they've got a staff of editors that can help you put the finishing touches on it.”

Sam walked in as Falstead was walking out and they bumped into each other. I hid my giggle, but Sam was mortified. “I'm so sorry Dr. Falstead.”

“Relax Sam. It's OK. You two getting along?” he asked.

“Sam is great. I'm just bummed that he won't be working for me until next semester.” An idea sparked in my brain. Dave nodded and left. Sam raised an eyebrow.

“Come on, you're going to lunch with your boss,” I said.

“OK, but I've got to be at work in an hour and a half.”

“Quit,” I said.

“What? I can't quit. I need the money. Otherwise, I'd be mooching off you all the time.”

“I'm going to write a book. I want your help. I'm offering you a job. You rejecting me?”

“You're writing a book? When did you decide this?”

“When that guy in L.A., Deke, told me I should. It just made sense. I can make my case; make my arguments to people beyond the hallowed halls of academia.”

He looked thoughtful. “You sure you're not just doing this cause the guy had a monster dick?” I cracked up. “Seriously, it sounds like a good idea. But I don't want to be a kept man.”

“Well, that's your issue to work through. But I want to finish this thing by the end of summer, and without you it's going to be a shitload of work. So you can work with me and help me, make a whole lot more money, and get co-author citations, or you can let your pride stop you from being a kept man. Your call.”

“You fight dirty,” he said. “I'll have to give them notice.” I laughed. I hated to lose.

After lunch I headed home. I figured that I could work in my study. When I got home I headed in to see the kids. Brad was still a little shy around me, but he already seemed happier. I'd seen Andre work wonders with people, making them feel warm and welcome. It was cute to see Ace do the same thing. So my “peek” in on the kids resulted in me playing with them for a couple of hours, but it was a blast.

I had just gotten into my work when Jeff came in. “Hey,” I said, smiling at him. “What's up?”

“I just can't believe you don't love me anymore.” What was it with him?

“I didn't say I didn't love you, I said I wasn't in love with you. You're still very important to me. I want you in my life. I just don't want to be your number one boyfriend.”

“Why not?”

“You told me that regardless of our arrangements, I'm the most important person to you, the one that you love more than anyone. Is that still true?”

“Absolutely.” He seemed adamant.

“Then you're lying to either me or Stefan. Which one of us is getting the line of crap?” Why was he fighting this? Couldn't he tell we were over?

“What do you mean?” He asked me. At precisely that time Stefan walked by and I waved him in. Jeff looked really uncomfortable now.

“Alright, let's figure this out with all the parties in the room. Stefan, I told Jeff that I'm not in love with him anymore. I told him that I still love him, like I love you, and that I cherish his friendship, like I cherish yours, and that I'd still like to fuck around with him, like I like to fuck around with you.” Stefan just stood there, calm. Nothing I had said would trouble him at all.

“Jeff is trying to tell me that I'm still the most important person in the world to him, and that he loves me more than anyone else. Isn't that what you're saying?”

He just stood there and stared at me. Then Stefan shifted his posture, arms folded, and looked at Jeff too. He was a cornered animal. “I love you both,” he said.

Stefan got angry, a rare occurrence with him. “Let's see, just yesterday we were making love and you told me that you loved me more than anyone else. Even more than JP.”

“I did not say that,” he said.

“Yes you did. I heard you.” I said. They both looked at me, shocked. “I came home, found out about Janice, and came to find Jeff. I walked in and you were in the middle of fucking. And you know Stefan that no guy when he's fucking you is aware of anything else going on.” He actually giggled. “I stood there for a minute and heard you say those exact words Jeff, and then I left quietly while you both came.”

“So that's what this is all about,” he said.

“No, that's not what this is all about. It's about you stringing both of us along when there really was no reason or need to. You're trying to tell each of us that we're the number one person in your love life. So here's what it's all about. Which one of us are you in love with?”

“Both of you,” he said.

“That's bullshit. Which one of us do you love the most? You told me it was me; you told JP it was him. Who is it?” Stefan spat these words at him, pissed.

We both just stared at him. “Right now, neither of you,” he said angrily.

“My advice to you is that you pick Stefan, since you and I, as a couple, are over,” I said coldly. Stefan stood there staring at Jeff. I think it dawned on him that he was winning because I quit the game, not because he'd won the game. Jeff, seeing no way out other than retreat, stormed out of the room.

I walked up to Stefan and put my arms around him. He tried to fight me but I held tight. “Don't be mad at me. I just don't want to be played, and I don't want you to be played either. Is that such a bad thing?” He looked at me and there were tears in his eyes. I held him tight and let him cry. Stefan rarely cried.

“I am sorry JP. I am not trying to steal your boyfriend. Why are you being so nice to me?” The difference in tone between the last two sentences showed how distraught he was.

“He's not my boyfriend anymore, and I'm being nice to you because I love you. I told you that when this all began, didn't I?” He nodded. “So as far as I'm concerned, we don't have any problems. Do we?”

He looked at me, eyeball to eyeball. “No, we have no problems.” And then he kissed me. It started out as friendly, but soon advanced well beyond that. I led him to my room. Stefan equates love and sex, so in our own way, I showed him that I still loved him.

So after that interlude that left both of us flushed and smiling, I finally got back to my outline. I was totally absorbed in my project when Isidore came in. She was so cool and calm, such a relaxing person to be around. She sat down and I told her all about my various issues, from LA to the encounter with Jeff and Stefan. Her comment was simple. “It is for them to work out. You have Sam now, and I really like him.”

Dinner was strained. Jeff sat there sulking, while Stefan and Isidore and I chatted away. The kids had already eaten so they were swimming in the pool with Betty and Rafael. Finally Jeff just got up and left. After a few minutes, Stefan went after him. It seems that whether Jeff wanted to make a choice or not, the choice was made for him.

I was walking to my room when I walked by Jeff's room and heard noises. I tried the knob and it was open. I went in and saw Jeff and Stefan in the same position they were in before, Stefan on his knees with Jeff plowing him from behind. I closed the door loudly and they turned to look at me, surprised.

Jeff hadn't stopped, but he had slowed. I walked up behind him. “The door wasn't locked. Does that mean you guys don't mind some company?” I ran my hand over Jeff's ass and he smiled at me. I dropped my pants and entered him carefully like I always did. “You like that?” I asked him. “I love being with you two. You are such hot guys.” I kept on talking to Jeff, whispering in his ear, wrapping my arms around him and massaging his chest and playing with his nipples. Now he was really moving, really exerting himself, and in no time he was blasting in Stefan's ass. I pulled out of him after he came, even though I hadn't reached an orgasm myself. I kissed him warmly on the lips and got a smile for it. “I've gotta run. I'll see you guys later.”

Sam was waiting for me in my room. “You were with them?” he asked. “Yeah,” I said, and told him all about my day. “I just thought I'd go down and play with them, maybe smooth things over.”

“So you're all worn out?” he asked.

“Nope. I played, but I didn't cum.” That got me a big smile, and an amazing round of sex.

March 17, 1968

Things had settled down after that. Jeff and Stefan were clearly a couple now, although Jeff was constantly looking my way with a subdued longing. I guess there were things he liked about both Stefan and I, and wanted both of us to satisfy his needs. That may be what he wanted, but it wasn't what I wanted. I had what I wanted. I had Sam. He'd gone from an encounter in a hotel room, to an employee, to a friend, to a lover, and was fast on his way to being a partner. The speed at which we were bonding scared the shit out of me, but I'd been cheated out of love before, so I learned to grab it when I could.

I found that, even though it had only been a few days since “the confrontation,” with Jeff out of my life as my number one stud (that was Sam's term), I was able to order my life much more efficiently. I found myself developing a routine where I allocated time to my work and my family. Fun was in the evening.

Even though it was Sunday I was in my study working. Somehow having Sam on board had helped spur me on even more. The problem I was having was that the news was coming in so fast it was hard to keep up. Yesterday had been a huge day. First of all, Bobby Kennedy had announced his candidacy for President. The Democratic field was filling up with contenders, and it looked like Lyndon Johnson was going to have a major battle just to win his own primary.

There were also some subdued rumors about an action in Vietnam where American soldiers had slaughtered a bunch of civilians. Right now, things were under wraps, so I figured we'd hear more if it was true. The government really wasn't all that good at cover-ups. And now, today, there had been a huge anti-war protest in London, and 91 people had been injured with over 200 arrests. Couldn't people see the madness?

Sam came strolling in to the room and saw me staring at the paper with a sad look on my face. “What's wrong now?” I handed him the paper, and watched his face as he read. He looked sad too, but there was also anger, almost rage.

“We have got to finish this book JP.” he said, as if that would stop the war. It wouldn't and we both knew it, but we felt that we had to do something.

I had to leave for Harvard on Tuesday, so we sat down to strategize for the week. I discovered that Sam had a gift for taking the technical and academic and converting it into layman's language. He had a true gift of phrase, and with my edits, we had the beginnings of a good team. Since most of the research was already done, the bulk of the work ironically fell on him. Together we wrote the outline, and then I gave him my papers and research to craft the papers. It looked like the process was going to be done a lot faster than either one of us dreamed.

We worked all day with just a few breaks to eat and play with the kids. That night, another part of my routine, I sat on the patio smoking a joint with Sam, Isidore and Stefan. We were laughing and joking when Jeff came out. He tended to throw a wet blanket on our evening, what with his moping. He really was being ridiculous about this whole thing, and if he wasn't careful, he'd lose Stefan too.

“I leave Tuesday morning for Harvard. After that I fly down to Princeton, and then home on Friday.” They all nodded. They knew my travel schedule was going to be picking up.

“Want some company?” Jeff asked. Sam looked at me alarmed, then calmed himself and gave me an imperceptible nod.

“Sure, that would be great,” I said. Stefan looked disturbed. After we went inside I cornered him alone.

“Stefan, don't worry about this trip, OK?”

“I can't help it JP, last time you two went off together you came back together.” It hurt me to see him riding the roller coaster ride now.

“That was different. Then I didn't know how I felt about him, now I do. Haven't we always been honest and open with each other about this?”

He smiled a little and looked up at me sheepishly. “I didn't mean to question you. It is not you whom I do not trust.”

“Then that should tell you something about your relationship with Jeff,” I said. He nodded. “Think you can sneak away some time tonight?”

That brought a grin. “It is possible,” he said.

“Come join us. I miss your hot little ass,” I said, kind of joking, but also serious. He giggled. “If you can't do that, take care of Sam for me while I'm gone, OK? Just don't steal him away from me.”

“I won't steal your man if you don't steal mine,” he said.

“Deal.” And we shook on it.