A Wall to Hide it All - 1. A Wall to Hide it All

A Wall to Hide it All

 

A strong, southeastern wind blew the moist air from the Atlantic seashore over the South Bay of the lake and over the wetlands south of the town. A dense overcast hung over the vast stretches of forest and the interspersed smaller patches of farmland. It sure looked as if it would start to rain anytime now.

A young boy of about seventeen walked through Main Street towards the west, a bundle of books under his arm. They were new books from the library, where he had just got them, and now was on his way home, burning with curiosity what these books would contain.

He was a slender boy with his six feet and hundred-forty pounds with long legs, that were stuck in tight jeans with torn knees as was considered so cool at the time. Over it fluttered a black t-shirt, that seemed too large for him. His extremely light, almost white hair seemed to stuck in all directions in some tousle, but a hair dresser would recognize it as being carefully styled that way, as if the boy was making a statement with his haircut. His appearance was completed by a pair of white Nikes on which he walked with the graceful gait of a young cougar. His head was slightly bent and his narrow face more or less hidden by the hair, but his sparkling, forceful green eyes seemed to scan the surroundings for all that moved as if they were looking for any sign of imminent threat. That there was nobody around, apart from a passing car so every now and then, did nothing to diminish his vigilance.

The way he looked had not that much in common with other boys in town, who were mostly stocky and muscled, most of them being sons of farmers in the vicinity, who were used to giving their dads a hand on the farm. They were the type of boys the high school football coach was looking for. The somewhat lesser stocky guys were always wanted in the school’s athletics team. But he, being too slender for both groups, was no sports material as far as the coaches were concerned.

As a matter of fact, he did sports, in his case martial arts. Under the too wide t-shirt a nice pair of strong biceps, broad shoulders and a muscled chest were carefully hidden. He could stand his ground, but he had learned it the hard way, with plenty of bloody noses, black eyes and blue bruises all over his slim body. He spent a lot of training time in becoming proficient in his sport. And this proficiency, coupled with his slender built, earned him the nickname “Bobcat”: slim, fast, mean and lusting for blood! As most nicknames it held an exaggeration, in his case his presumed bloodthirstiness.

One thing was true. Jeremy was not the easiest kid in this small town just south of the Canadian border, with a population of about 4500. Actually, maybe it was fair to say, that he was about the most difficult kid in town. He could be really obnoxious and abrasive, at given times even volatile and aggressive. He already had his last warning from the school principal: one other “incident” and he would be kicked out. And when he was walking the streets the local cops kept a special eye on him, anticipating trouble. Jeremy always made it perfectly clear what he thought, either with his mouth or, if necessary, with his fists. And since most of what he thought, was not acceptable in the tightly-knit local society, where everybody knew everybody and where everybody adapted to the unwritten rules of what was expected and accepted, he became more and more a loner, at school and in town.

But nobody saw him when he withdrew himself to one of his secret, secluded spots in the countryside around the town. One of them was a large branch of a big tree, high above the ground, where he could think in isolation, overlooking the whole damned town, sitting with his back against the enormous trunk. And the other one was behind a fell over tree behind its mass of roots, that stuck out of the ground, out of sight from the small trail. His most favorite spot was at the rim of the wetlands, south of the town, where the narrow Barton River entered the marshes before it shed its waters in the lake. Here he could sit, dream and think in peaceful surroundings, where one only hears the mumbling of the water, the wind rustling over the reeds, the singing of the birds or the flapping sound of water birds taking off from the water surfaces. And here he thought about the many, many questions and mysteries tumbling through his mind. Besides: at these spots it was not what he thought that mattered, but what he felt deep inside. It were the spots where he felt secure!

One of the questions, he couldn’t figure out, was: where did his bottled-up anger come from? It was an anger that had built up in the last two years, but he was unable to find a reason for it. It simply was there, whether he liked it or not. Was it caused by frustration? Was it triggered by his helpless inability to shape his own life? Or did he have valid reasons to be angry at about everybody he knew? Was his anger provoked by the fact, that this town was strangling him?

Because that is how he felt it. He knew, he would only be accepted, when he behaved like a good kid, that always conformed to the social standards and demands in town. He couldn’t lift a finger without being noticed, he couldn’t utter a single word without causing discontent. And, maybe the worst of all…he couldn’t follow his heart without becoming the main source of gossip and ridicule in this town. He longed for the big city, a city large enough to stay anonymous and finally do what he always wanted to do: to kiss a sweet boy full of love without anyone noticing it or taking offense at it. It was a longing, that in his opinion was impossible in this forest-surrounded hell hole and that was something, that depressed and angered him!

And then there was this other question, that he couldn’t answer. It was the question about his parents. It was not, that he was unhappy with them. Actually, he loved them dearly and he always felt guilty when he had made a mess out of something, be it at school or in town.

But since his thirteenth or fourteenth he started to notice some incongruities, that he hadn’t noticed when he was a small boy. For instance: why was he so extremely blond? Both his mother and father had black hair. That is: his father originally had black hair, but had turned grey in the meantime, a circumstance that had Jeremy once made snickering when, overthinking it, he murmured:

“Maybe he got grey hair from me?”

But the color of his and their hair was only one of those funny things. Why was he a slim and slender built boy, although both his parents were stocky, maybe even somewhat plump? Why did he have penetrating emerald green eyes and both his mother and father brown eyes?

And not in the last place: why was his character like a maladjusted and rebellious block of unstable dynamite, while both his parents were very kind, equanimous, maybe even docile and typical middle-class folks? Was this just some kind of error in genetics? Or…where the people, that he had always considered as his parents, not his parents, at least not in the biological sense? And if it was a genetic error: did this mean that his volatile character was also something, that was the result of a natural mistake, and could it develop into a sick, twisted and insane mind?

Each and every time he had thought this over, he decided to simply ask it. No matter what: even if they weren’t his biological parents, he had a right to know, he reasoned. It wouldn’t mean he would stop loving them but he simply wanted to know the truth. Every time he had made his mind up this way and entered the kitchen in full determination to ask, where his mother always greeted him with a warm smile and a sweet “Hi, honey”, he felt the courage efflux from his mind and body, leaving the question hanging in the air.

And what about his future? What would he have to do when he finished his senior year at high school? He had some vague notions but no firm ideas what he wanted to do with the rest of his life. And as far as these notions were concerned: he really failed the courage to share them with anyone.

Disturbing questions, frightening questions and then again: more unanswered questions!

He made damned sure, that nobody saw him when he withdrew to his spot at the river, where he didn’t only think and dream, but where he used to do his reading. Yes, Jeremy was an avid reader, who had devoured almost everything that he could get his fingers on from the small county library. Or he would go to the tiny local book store to spend most of his allowance on books he couldn’t get at the library. He loved to search in the many bookcases and could spend hours there, but when he entered it, he made sure he did it only after carefully scrutinizing the surrounding area, so that none of his school mates would see him go in.

Reading gave him the possibility to escape this tightly-knit community, pre-occupied with checking on each other and buzzing with constant gossip. It brought him to places, where he probably would never get in real. And with the growing up the list of read books increased: Marcel Proust, Shakespeare, Sartre, Hemingway, James Michener’s “Alaska”, digging deeper and deeper in the field of literature. No, he didn’t understand everything he read, making mental notes which books he should re-read when he was older. Maybe he would get the meaning then. But reading was nothing for boys, it was for girls, for sissies. Real American boys play football, that is the American way, not that European girl soccer game. So, his lust for books was another secret he carefully hid, being afraid of becoming the laughing stock of the whole school. And since he knew he would stand up against that, it would mean another fight at the school yard and off he would be, searching for another school. Which would be a real problem with his present school being the only high school in the county.

When he had read all, what was to be get at the library, he started looking around on internet, bumping accidentally on several gay story sites. He read some of the stories in his room on his laptop but most were so one-dimensional. However, so every now and then he found the real pearls. He would save them on pdf, print them and then take them to his secret river-side reading spot. Some of them were really beautiful. He remembered one, that mighty impressed him. It was about two boys about his age, somewhere in the Appalachians, who conquered an ages-old curse, helped by the mysterious powers of two necklaces, encountering witches, sorcerers and supernatural forces in the process and all that while they were also hopelessly in love with one another. It amazed him that the someone, who had written it, could have so much vision and fantasy to come up with such an idea in the first place.

“Wow”, he had whispered in admiration after he finished the long story, “Will I ever be able to write something like that?”

Because that is what happened from all this reading: he had started writing himself. First of all, he kept a diary, of course under extreme secrecy. Because keeping diaries was monstrously girl-like! No real red-blooded boy would ever do that. He kept his on his laptop in a separate file, especially secured with its own password, not accessible for any outsider but he entrusted all his mental turmoil to the hard disk. In the same file he kept his poems and his first attempts at writing prose and stories. But all in that file was strictly private! On the outside he just wanted to be a cool kid like the rest of his school mates and the other guys in town, but also the kind of guy who made it perfectly clear, that he was not in the mood for any hassling.

Somehow, the main theme of it all eluded his mind. It was not his anger or his multitude of doubts and questions, but it was his abrasiveness. Jeremy never asked himself what that was or where it came from. If he had done so, he would have another question to answer: “am I just doing that to protect my fragile and gentle inner core from the cruel outside world?”

 

It didn’t come as a surprise. The rumors had persisted for months now in town: old Chuck Jenkins, the only lawyer in town, wanted to retire and was trying to sell his law practice. But since the same subject was discussed in the bars, the gas station, the bank, the post office and on the streets for about half a year, it looked as if old Chuck had a lot of trouble in selling the whole shop. No wonder, which well-paid, fancy big city lawyer would give up his salary and benefits for a small practice in a place, that might be considered almost beyond civilization?

But one evening it looked as if Chuck Jenkin’s worries were over. Jeremy’s father, who happened to be a city clerk and as a result knew everything earlier than the rest of the town folks, told over family dinner, that Jenkins had finally sold his practice to some Boston lawyer, who would move in town in the next few weeks.

“What does a Boston lawyer wants to do in Newport?” Jeremy’s mother asked.

His father shrugged and replied:

“Don’t know. It seems, he is a widower who wants a small practice in a small rural community. Just enough to live from, at least by a lawyer’s standards, and for the rest enjoy the peace of a small town and its beautiful surroundings”.

The next edition of the town gazetteer made it all official in its weekly issue by stating that “long time town lawyer Mr. Jenkins has sold his practice to Mr. Eisenstern from Boston”.

Jeremy was not in the least interested in all this. As far as he knew he had no need for a lawyer. Who could blame a 17-years old kid for that? And who could blame him for not anticipating how the arrival of this new Mr. Eisenstern would shake his life up in a most unexpected way?

 

Hi diary,

 

I’m afraid I will be continuing in the same way like I ended last time. Simply because nothing changed. Everybody at school shuns me, as if I am a leper. I’m continuously aware of their condemning eyes gazing at me. Although I try to reach out. I want to reach out, but something in me interdicts it.

You know, I feel like I am sitting on the bottom of a black hole, a bottom that steadily sinks deeper and deeper and takes me with it. I estimate it sinks with a rate of an inch per day. Not much, one might say, but still half a foot a week or about two feet per month. I want to avoid sinking further and further, get out of it but I don’t know how. I try to climb out of it. Maybe it is more appropriate to call it crawl out of it with my fingernails in the walls to pull myself up, but it doesn’t work. I always fall back on that ever-sinking bottom.

I’m really scared now, that my premonition of getting mad, of having a sick mind, is becoming reality.

God, tell me what to do! Because I don’t know any longer.

 

Although he didn’t know it, the first effects Jeremy noticed of old Chuck Jenkins having sold his practice came a few weeks after the gazetteer had made it known to the world.

During a break between classes Jeremy was sitting on his own on the low wall, that surrounded the school yard, enjoying the first spring sun on his face. Unconsciously he had put up his “bad ass”-face, scaring away even the few who might have felt the inclination to say something to him, because his eyes sent the clear message:

“Don’t bother me, unless you want to pay the price for it!”

It was not because he wanted to shut off any contacts. It was only because he was pondering over something he didn’t understand from the previous English Literature class.

The teacher had asked him to read a verse out loud from a 19^th century poem, from a poet he didn’t know, so he did. But while reciting it, he found it hard to actually understand what he was reading and even when thinking it over after he was finished, he was still unable to get the meaning. The only funny thing that happened, was that his teacher smiled at him and had remarked:

“You read that really well, Jeremy”.

It made him blush. It made him feel ashamed! He wasn’t supposed to read it well. His classmates didn’t care about poetry, but only about the charts, the next football game and who threw a party in the coming weeks. Nobody saw any need to read some poem from an old poet, who had died long before they were born anyway. Rap and urban hip hop lyrics were more their thing. And since Jeremy wanted to avoid to stick out like a sore thumb in his class, he felt really embarrassed by the teacher’s compliment.

During that break he thought over the verse from “Evangeline” for another time but found the answer extremely elusive. He would have to ask his teacher about it, when he had the chance to do that without anyone else of his class around. Besides, his attention on the verse was suddenly distracted!

From the corner of his eye, he saw a boy he knew coming. With the kid being one class lower it was a bit an over-exaggeration to say he knew him, but he had seen him before. Next to him another boy was walking, that Jeremy had never seen before.

“A new kid at school?” he asked himself mentally.

He observed the unknown kid and he frankly admitted, that he loved what he saw. The boy was somewhat smaller than himself and almost equally slim built. His curly raven black hair hung over his ears. He wore a jeans and a checkered shirt, that was worn loose over the jeans. A white t-shirt could just be seen under the shirt, the color of it contrasting sharply with a skin, that was tanned to the dark shade of Caucasian. Over the t-shirt’s neck seam was a coral-red necklace. His eyes were very dark and suggested a depth, that equaled the depth of the lake adjacent to the town while his mouth could only be described as sensual.

But it struck Jeremy as odd, that the boy wore a rainbow bracelet on his right wrist, clearly visible for everybody. Did nobody bother to tell the kid, that he was asking for trouble this way? The football team would eat him raw, would hand over the leftovers to the athletics guys with the few remaining shreds given to the cheerleaders. But the boy behaved as if he simply didn’t care. He wore the bracelet with obvious self-assurance and pride.

The boy and his companion passed him and Jeremy’s eyes followed him with each dance-like step the boy took. His lips mouthed a “Wow” in silence while his mind flashed:

“My God, how cute he is!!”

When the two boys had passed him by several meters the new kid stopped, turned around and looked him straight in his eyes, showing a beaming smile while doing so. Their eyes locked for a few seconds. Jeremy saw the two boys discuss something between them, then the new kid looked him right in the eyes for a second time, again smiling. Jeremy felt as if his emotions were near meltdown. He saw the boy’s lips move as if he said something. Then the kid turned around and walked inside the building for the next class.

Totally confused Jeremy grabbed his stuff together to go in as well, not wanting to be late.

“I need to find out who he is!” he stammered in himself.

But his ever-questioning mind braked him the hard way when it asked:

“And when you know that, what would you want to do about it?”

With a “shit” he mentally shrugged, but somehow the deep dark eyes and the enchanting smile accompanying them haunted him from that moment on.

 

While the two boys were walking over the school yard on their way to their next class, the new kid in town had the uncomfortable feeling, that someone was observing him. It was the old itching sensation of eyes burning in the back. He tried to ignore it, but after having walked a few meters he stood still and turned around to see who was actually studying him. Accidentally he looked in the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen! They were like green jewels, the sun glistening in them. He saw something peculiar in these eyes: in a way they showed a bunch of feelings, that were somehow hidden behind a veil, as if the owner of the eyes wanted to hide them. But while both their eyes remained locked, the veil became thinner and thinner with every second passing, showing something of unimaginable beauty. And he was very happy with the face and the body that surrounded these eyes. He looked to his companion and asked:

“Toby, who is that guy on the wall over there?”

The boy called Toby looked, grimaced and said:

“It’s the Bobcat. Stay away from him. He’s bad news!”

“Why is that?” the new kid asked.

“Hey man,” Toby replied, “Ain’t got the time to explain all that before we have to be in the next class. But I’ll tell you later. But heed my warning: keep your fingers off him! He’s just a pain in the ass”.

The new kid casted another glance to the blonde boy on the wall, producing his most magical smile as an extra measure.

“I don’t think so”, he muttered, “Besides…a pain in the ass can be a wonderful feeling as well”.

He turned around and without looking back another time he followed his companion into the school building, determined to do something about it.

 

Hi, my digital diary,

 

It’s been some time since I last entrusted my thoughts and feelings to you, but let’s face it: nothing much has changed, although the coming of spring makes me feel better. Apart from one thing, but let me give you an update first on the running subjects before I come to that.

I’m still fighting my way through “Call me by your name”. Somehow, the writing style makes it difficult to read but once I’ve read a part and think it over, I think I get the meaning of it, as if I had to decode the meaning of each and every word first before I could understand the real contents of the paragraph as a whole. Although the book is not particularly thick, I expect I will be needing some time before I’ve read and understood it all. Call it “a work in progress”.

And of course, my thoughts are still pre-occupied with that almost eternal question if mum and dad are really my mum and dad. But courage is still lacking to ask it. What if I’m wrong? I would hurt them real hard and I don’t want to hurt them. It would break my heart to see theirs broken.

But you know…I know it sounds totally absurd…I’m supposed to be born here in this town, but there is this feeling inside me, that tells me that I’m a big city boy. It is something deep in me, that I can’t understand myself, but I actually dream about big cities at night, feeling myself perfectly at ease there, acting as some streetwise smart ass. I really don’t know what this means.

But the most important thing, that happened today, is something completely unthinkable, even undreamable. I simply must tell you about it.

There’s a new boy at school. I saw him on the school ground when I was thinking over some verse from Literature that I couldn’t understand. My always considerate diary: he is absolutely gorgeous. I won’t try to describe him, because his beauty is beyond description. Each attempt to do so would end in shortcoming. It is not only his actual appearance, on itself already of a beauty I never saw before, but it is more what he radiates. And you know what? He is like me, with the difference that I’m afraid of what I am and hide it while he makes it perfectly clear in a self-aware, proud and wayward attitude.

Our eyes locked for several seconds. His were like a cosmos on their own. And he smiled at me, actually he smiled twice at me. I can still vividly remember that smile. I even think I’ll dream about it the coming night.

My God, diary, I’m glad you’re just a bunch of 1s and 0s, so at least you can’t laugh at me. But…does this mean I fell in love with him? I’m not able to cope with such an immense feeling. It shoots me in heaven and at the same time it scares me to death. Because it would mean, that I have to open up my inner core to him. I don’t know, if I can find the courage to do so. How can I make him clear what I feel? Oh well, I hope your artificial intelligence is more capable than my natural, so perhaps you can think it over and give me some advice when I write the next entry.

I’m off to bed, diary. School starts at 08.00 tomorrow and with maths for starters it will be a tough day.

 

For about two weeks nothing happened. Jeremy didn’t see the new boy another time, actually almost believing he had been dreaming it. But although the boy had looked like a beautiful and sweet dream, he was very sure that he had seen him with his own two eyes. And he was certain as well that the boy’s image had never left his mind since the day, he had seen him. However, there was nothing he could do but wait for a second opportunity. Although he didn’t have a clue what he had to do if this second chance arose. Having no experience to guide him he decided to store the image of and feelings for this boy in his inner core, keeping them out of range for all around him by just being the tough Bobcat.

But he managed to solve another problem, the incomprehensible verse from the poem his English teacher had made him read out loud in class. When he walked through the corridor on his way to the exit after a long day at school, he coincidentally spotted Mr. Parker, the teacher, all on his own in a classroom. He furtively glanced around if nobody was around, knocked politely and asked:

“Mr. Parker, you’ve got a minute for me?”

The man looked up in surprise but answered with an inviting smile:

“Yeah sure, Jeremy, come in. What can I do for you?”

“Well sir”, Jeremy started nervous, “You made me read this verse from that poem some weeks ago. I read it, of course, but I didn’t understand what I was reading”.

Mr. Parker looked at him, his face full of amazement and asked:

“Are you telling me you have been thinking about this verse for two weeks, Jeremy?”

“Well…”, Jeremy stuttered.

Shit, he had made a mistake. He should have forgotten about the whole verse like the rest of his class had done and should have never asked about it. He had to give an answer, but thought frantically what that answer had to be, finally settling on:

“Yes, that is: among other things, sir. But so every now and then it popped up in my mind”.

It seemed to work because the man said:

“Funny, I had the impression you understood every word of it. I’ve never heard a boy your age read it as well as you did. Your intonation and cadence were absolutely perfect. Actually, I gave you an A-grade for it”.

Jeremy had no idea he had been reading for grades, but it didn’t matter: this A would at least lift his mediocre average.

“Since you’ve been thinking about it”, the teacher continued, “Do you have any ideas yourself what it might mean?”

Jeremy started a clumsy resume of his thoughts but was pleased to hear, that his own considerations were pretty close to what the poet had meant to say, as Mr. Parker explained to him.

When the teacher had finished his explanation, Jeremy thanked him and with a “Wish you good evening, Mr. Parker” walked to the door. Just before leaving the class room, he heard Mr. Parker ask:

“Jeremy, one other thing. Tell me, do you read a lot?”

The question startled Jeremy. This was getting hairy! He couldn’t just answer with “yes” and tell the man, that he spent most of his time outside school with reading. It would ruin his image as the toughest boy in town. Even worse: it would kill the Bobcat! But he was well aware he had to answer the man so he stammered:

“Well…only some comic books so every now and then, Mr. Parker”.

The man looked inquisitively at him, an incredulous smile on his face and only said:

“Yeah, sure! Then just keep reading these comics, boy”.

Jeremy almost fled on the corridor, desperately avoiding more questions from Mr. Parker. Once there he blew the air out of his lungs in relief and walked in a fast pace to the exit.

When he was outside, he slowed his pace and strolled to the students parking lot, where his old pickup stood. He had gone to school with it because he wanted to go to his most favorite secret spot immediately after school and that was some distance, anyway: it was too long to walk.

He sauntered over the tiled path, his school bag casually thrown over his shoulder and rounded the corner at the tree towards the parking lot. He saw someone standing at his pick up. But after a second good look his heart started to thump: whoever it might be, he had curly raven black hair.

“Don’t tell me that…”, he whispered.

Nobody had to tell him, he knew more than enough. But what could he do? If he wanted to leave school he had to go to his truck, no matter who stood there waiting for him.

When he arrived at the pick up he got confirmation of his suspicion. The new kid at school hung against his truck’s fender and smiled his magic smile when he saw Jeremy coming.

“Hi,” he called out, “There you are. Oh…sorry, I’m not hanging on your truck, do I?”

Jeremy found it a somewhat dumb question, since it was the only vehicle still standing there, but he didn’t want to scare the kid off so he decided to let it pass and answered:

“Yeah, it is, but doesn’t matter. It’s an old but sturdy truck, so I don’t think it’ll have dents from it. You’ve been waiting for me?”.

“What makes you think I’ve been waiting for you?” the boy asked with a teasing smile.

Jeremy looked around over the totally empty parking lot and said:

“I can’t figure out for who else you could have been waiting on this parking lot”.

“OK, you’ve got me”, the boy answered, still smiling, “By the way, I’m Noah”.

“I’m Jeremy”, Jeremy said. What else could he say?

“I know”, Noah said with gleaming eyes, “a.k.a. the Bobcat”.

“Oh, did they tell you that as well?” Jeremy moaned with rolling eyes, “Did they also tell you why they call me that way?”

“Let us say I heard things here and there”, Noah said casually.

“And you are still waiting for me?” Jeremy wanted to know, “Most new kids would avoid me if I was the devil himself”.

Noah just laughed, but continued more seriously when he said:

“I’m not most new kids. Besides: my father is a lawyer and he taught me that a defendant is presumed not guilty until a court of law has found him guilty on convincing and legal grounds”.

“Meaning?” Jeremy asked somewhat surprised.

“Meaning I like to form my own opinion about people and not believe gossip without any doubt”.

Jeremy started to understand the situation, so he said:

“Ah, so your father is that new lawyer in town? Sorry, forgot his name, something with Eisen…”.

“Eisenstern”, came the swift reply.

“Yeah right. Sounds Jewish”.

Noah looked at him with a twinge of hostile defense and asked somewhat testy:

“You have a grudge against Jews?”

Jeremy had no intention to cut the contact with this gorgeous boy over some silly misunderstanding, especially since he really had nothing against Jews, so he tried to turn the irritated mood very rapidly by crying out:

“No, no, not at all. Why should I? It is just…as far as I know I never met a Jewish boy and I was just wondering…”

“Wondering about what?” Noah inquired, his testiness gone and replaced by what seemed good-humored amusement.

“Well…”, Jeremy stammered, “I eeeuhhh…I was …just wondering…if all Jewish boys are that beautiful”.

For a second Noah looked at him with astonishment in his eyes but then he started to laugh out loud. Jeremy felt embarrassed: first of all, he had blurted something out that he really shouldn’t have and secondly, he felt being ridiculed by the laughing. Apparently, his face made this clear because once Noah calmed down, he said:

“Sorry, I’m not laughing at you. It was just…well…I guess not all Jewish boys are beautiful. I mean: you can’t call Gustav Mahler a seducing twink boy but he was more Jewish than I am”.

“Who is Gustav Mahler?” Jeremy asked, feeling somewhat ignorant.

“A composer”, was the fast reply.

“Ah, OK…don’t know him. Must be hip hop or urban or something like that”.

Noah looked at him as if he was bitten by a snake and said:

“No way, Gustav Mahler was an Austrian composer in the early 20^th century. He wrote music, not commercial filth. Actually, he wrote very beautiful music. I really love his works”.

Now it was Jeremy’s turn to be surprised.

“Are you into classical music?” he asked.

Noah just nodded but at second thought he added:

“But into progressive and psychedelic rock as well. But mostly classical. You have no idea how much beautiful music has been composed in the past centuries. Bach, Beethoven, Mahler, Vivaldi, Monteverdi…man, I could go on for hours”.

Jeremy had to bite his tongue off to avoid blurting out another mistake, when he almost said:

“Just like in literature!”.

But he was not prepared to give up his curtain of bravado, so he reacted somewhat indifferent. It didn’t seem to disturb Noah because Jeremy heard him say:

“I’ll be glad to get you acquainted with classical music. You can come to my place and I’ll let you hear some things”.

It was an appealing idea, but Jeremy wanted to stay on the safe side and ignored it at the moment. Although the thought of listening to music with this remarkable boy was very alluring. Suddenly Noah changed subjects when he asked:

“Jeremy, can you show me around in the countryside? I’ve seen this town in the last few weeks, but I love what I see outside of it. Can you show it to me?”

“Now?” Jeremy reacted almost startled.

“I’ve got nothing better to do, so why not?” was the immediate reaction, “What were your plans, if I may ask?”

Jeremy didn’t feel any immediate urge to explain what his plans for the afternoon were. He knew it would jeopardize one of his secret spots. But then…he also knew he had an opportunity within reach to get to know this beautiful and intriguing boy better. It might even be the only opportunity he got. If he would let it slip away this Noah might decide he wasn’t worth bothering with a second time. After some mental struggle he answered:

“I wanted to go to one of my spots out there”.

“Where is it?” Noah inquired, his eyes expressing a great interest.

“Well…”, Jeremy hesitantly muttered, “It is kind of a secret spot. If I take you with me, it won’t be no longer secret”.

Noah smiled as if he understood it, but nevertheless he asked:

“Is it that secret, that not even I may come there? I promise I won’t betray it to anybody!”

Noah was a smart and sensitive boy. He immediately noticed the doubt in Jeremy’s eyes…that is: was it only doubt or did it border to fear?

“I’m not going to hurt you, Jeremy”, he emphasized his earlier remark with a soft voice, “I only want to get to know you. Can’t be that dangerous, can it?”

Jeremy could hardly suppress a sigh when he finally gave in. With a curt “Hop in!” he walked to the driver’s side door and got in his pickup.

They drove off the school ground, crossed the bridge over the narrows in the lake and turned south over Glenn Road, following the eastern shore of the South Bay. Jeremy concentrated on his driving, while Noah just looked around at all that passed in total captivation and admiration. Apart from Noah’s whispered “Beautiful”s, “Unbelieveable”s and “What a dream”s, nothing was said.

The road passed the wetlands before turning left but it stopped after another mile, where Jeremy turned right, again to the south, on the Pine Hill Road. It was all without speaking, which suited him just fine. It bought him some time.

After about another mile he turned right onto a dirt trail, leading due west. They bumped over the trail until Jeremy stopped and said:

“The rest will be by walking, I’m afraid”.

He grabbed his bag, slung him over the shoulder and started to walk a very narrow trail, hardly wide enough to place a foot on, followed by Noah. Now it became clear, that Noah was a city boy, who was more used to sidewalks than to wilderness trails.

He walked behind Jeremy, who negotiated the trail with the smooth gait of a self-confident, young cougar while Noah had his feet constantly hooked and tangled in undergrowth and vines. But he admired the way the slim body ahead of him moved over all obstacles without even noticing them.

While walking Jeremy felt somewhat uncomfortable, not from walking the trail but from Noah’s eyes, that he felt burning in his back. Since the walk took only a few minutes, his discomfort was a thing of the past very soon.

They came on a small clearing with a grand vista over almost the whole wetlands. The sun shone over the green reeds, that bent down to the right from a western breeze and here and there water birds could be seen.

Still catching his breath Noah looked around with his dark eyes gleaming and was only able to say a whole-hearted “Wow!”

“Take a seat”, Jeremy grinned, gesturing to the soft grass under their feet. He dropped his bag and sat down.

“How did you find this beautiful spot?” Noah asked, still admiring what he saw.

“Hey, I was raised here, remember?” Jeremy answered, still with a grin on his face.

“Yeah”, Noah acknowledged almost breathless, “And I envy you for it”.

Jeremy looked at him with consternation in his eyes and uttered:

“Envy me? For being raised in this hell hole?”

For a difference Noah’s eyes turned sharp and with a chilly voice he asked:

“Do you know what a hell hole is? I’ll tell you: hell holes are the places where you have to watch your back for kids, that are too young to vote but nevertheless walk around with loaded guns, because they consider it cool. Hell holes are places, where a boy like me can hardly avoid junkie hookers who all want a piece of me. Hell holes are places where the streets crawl with homeless: drunks, junkies, veterans, kids…the whole thing. Hell holes are places like Boston, Philadelphia or New York, not Newport, Vermont. This, pal”, he gave a nod with his head in the direction of the marshes when he finished with: “this I call heaven!”

Jeremy clearly felt the rebuke but he wouldn’t give up right away so he objected:

“Wait until you get used to it…and get bored to death in the process!”

“Have you ever been in a big city?” Noah asked in a friendlier tone.

“I’ve been in Burlington”, Jeremy replied truthfully.

Noah’s reaction came as a nasty surprise: the boy started to laugh uncontrollably. When he finally stopped, he asked:

“Burlington, huh? Population about 40000. I’m talking about big cities, with millions of people”.

“No, I haven’t”, Jeremy admitted, but then he added thoughtlessly:

“But I’ve got the feeling I come from one of those cities”.

“What are you saying?” Noah asked with questioning eyes, “You just said you were raised here”.

“Yeah, raised…doesn’t mean I was born here”, Jeremy reacted, vaguely realizing that he made another mistake.

“OK, so your parents also moved in here from someplace else?” Noah asked.

Jeremy just shook his head and softly said:

“No, they’re from around here”. Only to add:

“Just forget it. It’s a complicated story”.

“Tell me about it”, Noah tried with an interested and inviting glance.

“No…”, came the abrupt answer, “Just…just forget it!”

Noah might be a stubborn boy but he was not dumb. He knew when he was defeated, at least for the moment and he didn’t like the idea to get into a fight over this with this desirable, but enigmatic boy, running the risk of alienating.

“Later”, he thought, “Patience, later is time enough”.

With a cheerful twinkle in his eyes he changed the subject by asking:

“Tell me, what do you do when you are at this great place?”

Jeremy shrugged and replied:

“Depends…thinking, dreaming…and to tell you the truth…reading. But I guess I can tell that to a guy who listens to classical music”.

“What do you read then?” Noah probed on.

Jeremy grabbed in his bag and took a relatively thin book out of it, giving it to Noah, who looked at the front cover and said:

“Call me by your name…never heard of it. What is it about?”

Jeremy thought it over, smiled shyly and said:

“I don’t know yet. Problem is, that stories tend to have some twist in it, ending totally different as you expect while reading, also with a different meaning. I haven’t finished it yet, so I don’t know how it ends and what it means in the end”.

“OK, fair enough”, Noah said thoughtfully, “But what is it about until where you have read it?”

Jeremy looked at him, looking for signs if Noah was pulling his leg, but he only saw the dark eyes glistening with a real wanting to know, so he told what he had understood so far from the story:

“It is about a boy of about our age, who falls in love with a boy in his early twenties. He thinks about him all day, dreams of him, daydreams he is in bed with him and that he is…well, you know what I mean”.

“Yeah…is fucked by him”, Noah said grinning.

“Yeah, right”, Jeremy confirmed with a nervous smile.

“How is it written?” Noah asked while reading the back cover.

“It is hard to read. It is not cheap or filthy and it certainly isn’t porn. It is only…I don’t know, as if the writer wants to have the reader think over every single word to get the ultimate understanding of what the story wants to say”.

“Sounds interesting”, Noah murmured, “Where did you get it?”

“In the bookstore downtown”, was the casual reply.

“Hey”, Noah suggested, “If you have finished it, can I borrow it from you? I’d like to read it as well”.

“OK”, Jeremy said with a broad smile, “But only on the condition, that you let me listen to some of your music”.

Noah looked at him, giving him a smile that could blend the sun.

“Deal”, he exclaimed, “You know, we’ve got something in common”.

Jeremy looked at him, not understanding what the boy meant.

“Culture”, Noah explained, “Only you are in literature, I am in classical music. Ain’t that great?”

Jeremy looked at him with warm eyes. Inside he was battling feelings, that were re-emerging with unknown impetuosity but he managed to give a nervous smile as response.

“We better get back”, he said, “Sun is setting”.

Noah took his hand, looked deep in his eyes and asked without reticence:

“Jeremy, will you take me more often to this place? I would really love it to be here with you!”

Jeremy could only nod, feeling that he was losing the fight with his indomitable feelings. They rose and walked back to the pickup on the trail. Jeremy had to use all his strength to avoid taking Noah by the hand. Because, that would really kill the Bobcat!

 

Hi there, my ever patient diary

 

I just have to write, but don’t expect something sensible or logical, because I’m still recovering from the earthquake, that hit me today. So, I’m afraid I will be just blabbering incoherently. But I entrust you will have the same compassion with me as you always have. If not, I can always switch you off….

A most beautiful thing happened to me today. Guess what? Oh no, don’t guess…you’ll just scroll through earlier entries and you’ll find the answer, the answer with the curly raven black hair. But what you can’t guess: he was really waiting for me at the parking lot, hanging against my old truck, and he was there in all his indescribable beauty.

Especially his eyes…they are the most compelling eyes I’ve ever seen, but they do it in an inviting and tender way. These eyes, diary, I see them during the day when I’m awake and by night in my dreams. They haunt me everywhere. They are as deep as the ocean or as limitless as outer space must be. Hey, when you think: what kind of bullshit is all this? Just crash for the full 100%.

Anyway, with his eyes he made me opening up, at least to some extent. Guess I felt I had to make some concessions to keep him around me, so I did. His eyes more or less forced me to take him with me to my favorite secret spot at the wetlands rim. So when we were at the wetlands I told him I read, actually we talked about the book I’m reading now. And I made the mistake to tell him about my doubt about who my real parents are. He just gave me the space to do so. His eyes gleamed with real interest. Anyway, the last subject was one step too far, I chafed that off, though. In a way, I regret that now but I can’t make it undone. I only pray he doesn’t feel it as distrust.

But while chatting we learned another commonality from each other, apart from that one thing…well, you know what I mean…don’t make me spell it out. We’re both very interested in culture, me in literature, he in classical music. It seems that, each in his own way, we both think beyond the shallow hedonist faҫade and I freely admit that I’m very, very happy about that.

But the thing that really hit me like a brick was at the end, when we left the wetlands to go back home. He just took me by the hand! And I let him do that, I allowed it…no, I loved it! Any other guy in town who would do that would lose his teeth right away…but not him! Even worse, when he held my hand, I felt I wanted to kiss him…yeah well, I didn’t. Didn’t have the guts to do that. But only to feel the need was something new for me. Shit, diary, what is happening? I’m elated and terrified at the same time! Elated about what I feel for him, terrified that I have to surrender my defenses and euthanize the Bobcat in the process. My feelings are like a stampeding carousel! God, I think I’m in love!

I’m off, my faithful digital friend. I feel the urgent need to transform my confused feelings in some kind of poetry.

 

Summer turned into a dream and the school year was rapidly nearing its end with holidays looming as a welcome prospect. It promised to be two months of freedom, swimming, hiking, camping and all the other things that youngsters love to do.

But although the school was filled by a feverish buzzing of expectancy, Jeremy couldn’t share it. His mind was too pre-occupied with his problems. Oh no, he didn’t consider Noah a problem, at the worst it was the sweetest problem he ever encountered. But there was this other one, that bothered him almost continuously, the question of his lineage. It had come to a point where he was hardly able to sleep, tossing and turning half of the nights, reconsidering all the genetic anomalies he noticed, trying to find answers, only to reach the conclusion in the end, that only his parents could give them. Which gave him automatically the next and closely associated problem: how to ask them without hurting their feelings? It started to depress him.

Actually that depressed, that he felt like seeing no one during midday break at school,…well, maybe with the exception of Noah. So he took a coffee from the vending machine, slung his bag over his shoulder and walked to the parking lot. He just wanted to enjoy the sunshine and the cooling breeze in peace, so he sat down in his pickup’s open cargo bed, took a sip of coffee, took his lunch box out and felt how the thoughts started to roll through his mind.

He ate his lunch and sipped from the coffee without actually tasting something. His brains raced at full speed to find a loophole to get the answers he wanted in a way, that would not cause unrepairable damage between him and his parents. But he didn’t find it. He felt so frustrated, that he felt some tears welling up.

He was so lost in himself that he didn’t notice, that someone was nearing the pickup. He only startled when this person climbed in the loading bed and sat down beside him.

“Hi”, Noah said, “I have been looking for you!”

“Hi”, Jeremy answered with a low, depressed voice, “I wanted to be alone. Wanted to see nobody”.

“Not even me?” Noah asked slightly teasing

Jeremy looked in the smiling dark eyes and answered:

“You’re the only exception!”

Noah’s eyes changed from cheerfulness to concern when he asked:

“Have you been crying?”

“Oh damned”, Jeremy cursed, wiping the tears from his eyes with a frantic move.

“Slow down, pal”, Noah muttered, “I’m the only one who saw it. And under circumstances I can be as talkative like a corpse”.

Jeremy felt how Noah put his hand on his, asking:

“What is eating you, man?”

“Do you…”, Jeremy started, hesitating after these two words.

He felt the slight squeeze from Noah’s fingers in his hand, as if giving encouragement.

With a deep sigh of what might almost be called resignation he continued:

“Do you remember I told you I was in doubt if my parents are really my parents?”

Noah nodded and answered softly:

“And shut up like a clamshell immediately after that”.

“Sorry about that”, Jeremy said, almost in a whisper, “It was not meant as distrust”.

“I didn’t see it that way”, Noah comforted him, “It is not something a person tells to the perfect stranger I was at that moment. But tell me, what makes you think that way?”

Jeremy told him about the differences between him and his parents, or better the total lack of similarity between them and the persistent feeling he wasn’t from around here but from some big city.

Noah nodded thoughtfully, glanced at his watch and said:

“I got the point. Now, this is only our midday break and we are supposed to be back in class within five minutes. How about if you and I go to your spot at the wetlands directly after dinner to talk this over?”

Jeremy looked in the magic eyes with a sad smile but answered:

“I’d love to!”

“OK, I’ll be waiting here for you at the parking lot. And I will try not to make another dent in the fender. Cheer up, man, we’ll get a way out of this”.

Another squeeze followed in Jeremy’s hand. Then Noah rose and said:

“Gotta go. My next hours are sports so I have to walk to the gym. See you later, mate!”

“See you later”.

Noah jumped out of the loading bed and left. Jeremy watched him walking in his ever-present confidence until he rounded the corner at the tree.

“You’re something special”, Jeremy muttered.

He grabbed his own stuff together and sauntered back to the building as well, somehow feeling better.

 

Noah was true to his word and was already waiting for him at the school ground entrance when Jeremy arrived with his pickup, sitting on a low wall. It didn’t take long before they sat on “their” patch of grass between the forest and the wetlands, the slowly setting sun shining on their faces from the west.

Somehow it became a difficult talk. Jeremy had instinctively crawled back in his impenetrable shell during the afternoon, so Noah lost the advantage of the moment he had before. But by bits and pieces the whole thing came out. Noah looked thoughtfully over the water for a few minutes and then said:

“I guess you’re right. The only ones who can answer your questions are your parents. And actually, you’re entitled to these answers. It is in the law. What you do with them is your concern. If you start looking for the possible biological parents to beat the shit out of them for what they’ve done to you or just the contrary, understand them why they did it…or just leave the matter for what it is, it’s your life and it’s your decision. But, tell me, do you blame your parents if they turn out to be not your real parents?”

Jeremy shook his head vehemently in silence and said:

“I’ve got nothing to blame them for. They gave me all they could and all I needed. Food, shelter, clothes, toys…and not in the last place: all their love. That is exactly what makes it so difficult. Suppose I’m wrong. When I ask them a thing like this…man…it’ll break their hearts”.

Noah nodded in understanding.

“I mean, what should I do?” Jeremy continued, “Barge into the kitchen and say “Hey mum, what I wanted to ask you: are you my real mother or are you just some surrogate?”

Noah grinned at the exclamation and in a way it angered Jeremy. He was being honest about it and now the person, to whom he entrusted the whole problem, simply grinned.

“I’m serious, Noah!” he cried out.

“Relax, Jeremy”, Noah soothed him down, “I’m not grinning about the problem, because I can understand very well it is a huge one. But the way you formed your question…well, it was not exactly subtle”.

“How would you ask it?” Jeremy asked, accepting the implicit apology.

Noah shrugged and replied:

“I can’t say that. I’ve never been in that position. My father is very clearly my father and my mother…”

A sudden expression of sorrow came over his face when he said with a suppressed sob:

“My mother was really my mother. Beyond all reasonable and even unreasonable doubt. So, I’m not saying I can really help you. I just wanted to give you a chance to talk about it. Company in distress makes the sorrow less”.

Jeremy stared over the water between the reeds. OK, he was on his own then but he knew that Noah was dead right: he couldn’t solve the problem for him.

Jeremy looked in Noah’s eyes and with whole his heart he whispered:

“You’re a very good friend, Noah!”

The magic came back in the boy’s eyes and with a smile, that almost sucked Jeremy’s lungs free of air, he softly said:

“I’m satisfied with that status…at least for starters!”

Jeremy looked at him with a puzzled look and asked:

“What do you mean?”

“One thing at a time, pal”, was the casual reply, but Noah added:

“Now I just want to sit with you. Maybe we’ll find a good question together, maybe not. But I’m perfectly happy to sit with you”.

Without warning he laid his curly head on Jeremy’s right shoulder, whose initial reaction was that he wanted to go to the left to increase the distance again. But without knowing why he decided against it. Noah looked at him and whispered:

“Don’t be afraid. I’m not going to seduce you!”.

He giggled when he said as some kind of afterthought:

“That is: not yet!”

They just sat in silence, enjoying each other’s company. Jeremy fought the urge to stroke the black curls on his shoulder but he lost the fight most brilliantly, so his fingers slid through the dense crop of hair almost continuously. The battle to resist the urge to kiss was a close call, but Jeremy managed to win it on a minimum of points.

The sun set. The western sky became orange and a kind of deep purple, that contrasted with the mountains to the west, that got a slowly increasing deeper shade of green. Only the buzzing of a last bumble bee could be heard and the chorus of birds in the trees and between the reeds fell silent for the night.

When it was almost dark Jeremy said, stroking the hair for a last time:

“We better go before our folks start to worry”.

Noah nodded and this time they walked back to the faithful pickup hand in hand, exchanging warm, almost loving glances while doing so.

 

Despite the fact, that Noah couldn’t give him the perfect way to pose the ultimate question to his parents, Jeremy felt the first positive effect of their evening together immediately. That is: for the first time in weeks, he had a really good night of sleep. It was a sleep without nightmares, only a beautiful dream about that he wasn’t stroking Noah’s curls there at the wetlands but right here in his bed.

But there was another effect as well. Once he woke up on this Saturday morning, he felt determined to ask his parents this very day about what had bothered him for a few years by now. His fitful sleep hadn’t given him the most perfect, subtle and delicate way to ask it, but, he reasoned, when he had to wait for that he probably would never ask it. He simply decided to do it as subtle and compassionate as he could and just see how the whole thing developed.

He rose, took a long shower, dressed and went downstairs into the kitchen, where he found his mother. When he entered the kitchen, he sniffed: the aroma of apple pie in the oven seemed to be everywhere.

“Hi honey!”, his mother greeted him cheerfully, “Slept well?”

“Yeah, I did”, he said with a somewhat tense smile, “Where’s dad?”

“He went fishing”, was the reply, “Actually, he was a bit disappointed you didn’t come with him. But we noticed you were home late yesterday evening, so we decided to let you sleep long”.

Oh damned, he forgot. He had promised his dad to go fishing with him. How could he forget that?

“What did you do yesterday evening, honey?” his mother asked. There was no suspicion in it, just genuine interest.

“Not much”, he said, while he took a coffee and the cereals, “I went to the wetlands”.

He thought it to be a smart idea not to mention, that he hadn’t been alone, nor what they had discussed. And especially the way the evening had ended was beyond any discussion.

He did the cereals in the bowl and poured the milk over it. Then he started eating. After a few bites he laid his spoon down, took a deep sigh and asked:

“Mom, may I ask you something?”

“Sure, honey”, was the ever-cheerful reply, “What’s the problem?”

“Can you sit down for a moment, mom?”, he insisted gently, “It’s…it’s kind of…how do I call it… kind of delicate and complicated”.

His mother sat down at the table beside him, looked in his eyes with a warm smile and said softly:

“What’s up, honey? Where does it hurt?”

Jeremy smiled. She always did that, call some kind of non-physical problem “hurt”, as if it was a wound or a disease, that could be easily healed. But he didn’t let himself to be distracted by that.

In fits and starts he commenced to tell his mother about the doubts, that had developed in the last years. He saw her face change to an expression of sorrow, then of consternation, maybe even fear, only to return back to sorrow. While progressing through his thoughts his talking became smoother and when he had finished it all he looked her in the eyes and said:

“I’ve been trying to find a gentle way to ask this, but I simply couldn’t. So…I just ask it the way it is in my mind: are you and dad my real parents?”

His mother just sat, her damp eyes staring at nothing in particular but nevertheless she laid her hand on Jeremy’s. In that way she sat for several minutes. Jeremy didn’t dare to press the matter. He had needed years to ask, so he considered it unfair that his mother had to answer it within a matter of seconds. But finally, she sighed and said:

“I…no…we…we always knew that this question had to come sooner or later. As a matter of fact, I’m surprised it came that late, only at your seventeenth. And I am going to give you an honest answer. You’re entitled to that”.

She sighed another time, while she swept the tears out of her eyes and started her answer:

“No, honey, we are not your biological parents!”

She paused to let it sink in. Jeremy felt as if her answer hit him like an avalanche. It was not the fact that they weren’t his parents, he had suspected that. But he realized himself, that the pain he had caused with his question might have been less if he hadn’t used the term “real parents”, but “biological parents”. Because as far as he was concerned, this sweet woman at the table in this very kitchen was his real mother. Without saying a word, he listened to the rest of his mother’s answer:

“When your father and I married we wanted to have children. But it wasn’t to be, some medical condition. When we finally stopped grieving over it, we decided to go for adoption. And…they gave us you! The most beautiful baby boy I had ever seen, with sparkling green eyes, soft blond hair and a miraculous smile. We were the happiest people in the world and you just conquered our hearts like a storm. You really became our baby boy from the second I held you in my arms the very first time!”

She squeezed his hand when she continued:

“And you’re still the most beautiful boy in the world…OK, maybe not always the easiest, but who cares? We don’t. Not even dad when he yells at you”.

“Oh well”, Jeremy said with a shrug, “He only yells when I made another mess out of something, so I guess I deserve it then”.

There was a silence with neither of them knowing what to say next. But in Jeremy’s mind another question came up so after a while he asked:

“Mom, do you happen to know something about my biological parents?”

She nodded and with an incredibly gentle voice she answered:

“Not much. We know what the agency has told us. Maybe they didn’t tell all they knew, maybe they knew as much as I do now. But…to be perfectly honest with you, I doubt if you want to hear this”.

Jeremy thought it over briefly but nodded, saying:

“Yes, I do. It might give me answers, so that I can understand why I am as I am. I mean, in character. Let’s say I’m pretty different from you and dad”.

His mother smiled at the remark and nodded, softly uttering:

“Very well. I’ll give you what I know. Let me start with your father. We know nothing of him. He is an unknown somebody. Your mother…are you sure you want to know this, honey?”

Jeremy nodded.

“OK”, his mother resigned, “Your mother was a junkie in Boston, who scraped a living together as a prostitute. It appears, that she was somewhat careless with precautions when she…entertained your father. She put you up for adoption right after you were born. Don’t ask me how she is now. We’ve got no name, we don’t know if she is still alive. It is really all we know!”

“Damned!” Jeremy whispered. It fell all in place…his longing for the unknown big city, the sometimes erratic contradictions in his mind and character. It just fitted all!

“I warned you, that it would be an unpleasant truth”, his mother said worried.

“No”, Jeremy cried out, “I understand it now…you just gave me a full picture!”

His mother looked at him, questioning and concerned at the same time. Jeremy took both her hands and said:

“Mom, thanks for your honesty! Don’t you worry. I love you both! And I will keep loving you! As far as I am concerned you are my real mom and dad is my real dad”.

Then he rose and took his mother in his arms in a tight embrace, that seemed to continue for hours.

 

Hi,

 

It’s official, diary. I’m just the bastard son of an unknown whoremonger and a drug-addicted Boston hooker. I don’t know how I should deal with it, at least not yet. In a way I feel relieved, that I finally managed to ask about it and that I had a lot of questions answered. But I feel depressed as well. Especially about what it might have meant for me, if these sweet people, that I live with now, hadn’t adopted me.

I mean…I guess the question is justified if I would still be alive. A junkie is not very pre-occupied with the care for her newborn son I suppose. And even if I had survived, what would I be now? A homeless kid in a hostile big city? Or would I follow in the career footsteps of my biological mother and would I have end up being a gay toy boy by now, trying to get some money for food by being fucked by elderly men? No matter what…I’m damned sure I wouldn’t reach my 25^th birthday, with possible death causes ranging from street violence, alcoholism, drug addiction, AIDS to just being fed up with it all and then jump off a bridge.

With this in mind the glamour of the big city, that dream I had for years, starts to fade considerably. Maybe Noah was right when he rebuked me after calling this small town a hell hole. Maybe the big city is just a murderous jungle where only the right of the strongest counts. The weak…oh well, they’re just fair game! And with this background I would surely be one of the weak, no matter how much bravado I would muster on the streets. It is one thing to play the Bobcat in this rural town, but a totally different to maintain that image between street thugs and murderers.

When I read this back…you know, diary…I think I am changing. But I have no real vision in which direction. It is all nebulous, hazy…fluid. And I have a strong suspicion about what caused this change…I guess this “what” is called Noah.

Don’t you complain, diary. That’s what diaries are for, to express things, to entrust the deepest feelings to. So, I’m in repeat mode now: I’m not thinking any longer I’m in love. I know for sure I am in love with him. But it’ll cost me to win him over for me. I’m not sure if I can afford that price or if I’m willing to pay it, but…oh well, but what? Let me think it over and I’ll be back on this.

 

PS

Oh, I almost forgot. There’s this other little pressing matter: in two weeks I graduate from school and I really have no clue what to do after that. You know…I would love to do something with books, with literature. Maybe even become a writer, but it seems you have to study at the university for that. I don’t think I can…I’m not exactly the study type.

And I have to be careful as well: being no longer in school might cut the connection with Noah. And that is really something I don’t want to happen. Is it too obvious and dangerous if I ask him for his phone number? Just to stay in touch when I’m no longer at school?

In a way it is kind of funny. I mean: did you ever see a lovesick bobcat in the forests? LOL!

 

He didn’t see Noah for a few days and actually he started to miss him. But all pains were gone during the midday break when he sat, as usual, on the low school ground wall, enjoying the sun in perfect solitude. He saw Noah coming towards him, his black curls almost glowing in the sunlight.

“Hi”, the boy said cheerfully while he sat down beside him, “How’s life?”

With a broad smile on his face, he looked in Noah’s eyes and replied:

“Pretty well. I’ve asked it”.

He didn’t understand immediately why Noah giggled, but the dime fell when he heard him say:

“Did anybody ever tell you that you got the most beautiful eyes in the world?”

Jeremy blushed but managed to answer:

“You better consider your own eyes first for the Nobel Price”.

Laughing Noah reacted with:

“So, you’ve asked. And? What was the answer?”

Jeremy shrugged and pensively said:

“It was as I expected. I’m adopted”.

“Did it hurt to know?” Noah wanted to know, genuine concern in his voice.

“Yes and no”, Jeremy said truthfully, “The answer was somewhat more complicated than I anticipated”.

“What do you mean?” Noah asked with questioning eyes.

“No, I’m not going to discuss that here”, Jeremy cut the talk off, at least for this subject.

“Fair enough”, was the casual reaction, “Then…how about you pick me up at my place tonight? To go to our wetlands spot?”

“Yeah…, I would love that!” was the spontaneous reaction.

“Fine”, Noah said, “I live at 23 Broadway Avenue…with full view on the lake”, he added grinning, “About seven will do?”

“You bet I’ll be there”, Jeremy said, his heart thumping in his chest.

They continued with some idle chit chat until it was time to move back into class.

 

Jeremy cut his engine about two hundred meters from number 23. He was by far too early, had lots of time to spare. But he simply couldn’t wait any longer and had just left home for a short ride of about five minutes. Nervously his fingers tapped the steering wheel and he glanced at his watch every minute or so.

When he started to bite his fingernails after five minutes he gave up and started his old pickup again. Better too early as too late, he reasoned.

He stopped in front of number 23 and looked at the house. It was pretty large, actually it was more appropriate to call it a small mansion. He got out of the truck and walked towards the door, gazing over the large, neatly trimmed lawn in front of the building.

“Must be a hell of a job to mow that every two weeks”, he grinned mentally.

He rang the doorbell, feeling some kind of nervous belly ache. A man in his mid-forties in jeans and t-shirt opened and greeted him with a kind smile, the kind of smile that Jeremy thought to recognize, and a “Hi!”

“Good evening, sir”, Jeremy started somewhat shy, “I’m Jeremy. I’m supposed to pick up Noah”.

The man turned around and yelled up the stairs:

“Noah…your…eeuh…”

Then he turned around, faced Jeremy with a large grin and continued with:

“Your visitor is here!”

Jeremy felt some suspicion rising. Why did the man hamper when he called upstairs? Which word did he actually want to use? But he had no time to ponder over it, because with the speed of a hurricane Noah came running down the stairs, carrying a backpack and crying out a spontaneous “Hi” with gleaming eyes and looking incredibly desirable in a tight white shorts and a gleaming red tank top.

“Jeremy, does your truck have a cd player?” Noah immediately asked.

“Yeah, sure”, Jeremy answered, not comprehending what was so important about that.

“OK”, Noah beamed, “I’ve got me a cd I want you to hear while we drive over there”.

Noah’s father, always the discrete lawyer, looked at it from a distance and with a “Have fun, boys” closed the door while the two walked to Jeremy’s old truck.
Jeremy turned the truck around to drive southbound, while the first tones of Noah’s cd could be heard. Jeremy liked it. OK, he was not used to violins and cellos, but the whole thing had some magical effect.

“What is it?” he asked.

“Mahler’s First”, Noah answered with his always splendid smile.

Suddenly Jeremy heard something familiar, some tune or theme he thought he recognized.

“You told me that Mahler was a Jewish, old and ugly composer from Austria”, he said, “How can it be that some Quebecois kindergarten song is in his piece then?”

Noah looked at him with an approving glance and only reacted with:

“Very good, pal!”

“Well?” Jeremy pressed the matter.

“It is not a Quebecois kindergarten song. In reality it is an old Jewish theme. And since the Jews were spread over about the whole world, this theme ended up in a lot of places, France being one of them, where someone wrote a text to use it as a kindergarten song. And if it is in France you can wait for it, that it ends up in Quebec as well. Where did you hear it?”

“In kindergarten”, Jeremy replied, “Which is not incredibly amazing. Quebec is not that far from here, only about five miles”.

“You speak French?” Noah asked intrigued.

“Une petite peu”, was the answer.

“And do you read in French?” came the next question.

Jeremy laughed and modestly replied with:

“No, that’s too difficult for me. I read Sartre and I’m looking for works of Bordelaire, but I read it in English translation. Even then they are hard to understand”.

“Impressive”, Noah muttered.

“What, that I speak some French?” Jeremy asked with a smile, “Not that impressive over here! A lot of folks speak French so close to the border”.

“No”, Noah whispered, “I meant reading Sartre”.

After a while of driving and listening to Mahler they arrived at the spot, where they had to leave the pickup. Jeremy noticed that Noah took the backpack with him and curiously asked:

“What’s in there?”.

The only reply was a teasing twinkling in Noah’s eyes and only one word:

“Things!”

After walking over the narrow foot trail, they arrived at their regular spot. Jeremy was surprised by what he saw: there was something, that hadn’t been there before, a circle of stones in the grass with a large bundle of firewood in the middle. In mock suspicion he looked at Noah and asked:

“Did you happen to plan this?”

A naughty smile came on Noah’s face when he replied:

“You want to file charges against me for that? Come on, sit down”.

He dropped his backpack on the ground and started to unpack it. Out came a blanket, a music box, a bottle of wine and two plastic wine glasses. Jeremy looked on in amazement and started to object:

“Hey, no wine for me. I have to drive you home again!”

With the same cheekiness in his eyes the boy only said:

“Really?”

He took the blanket, unfolded it on the grass and sat on it.

“Come here”, he ordered in a kind voice.

Jeremy willingly complied and sat next to him, wanting to put his arm around the shoulders but he decided against it.

“So”, Noah said quietly, “Let’s start with this talk with your parents. Tell me about it”.

“With my mother”, Jeremy reacted, “My father wasn’t at home”.

“OK, how did she react. Was she hurt?”

“I really don’t know”, Jeremy reported, “In a way she was, I guess. But she also said, that she had expected the question sooner or later”.

“But what made it so tough for you?” Noah wanted to know, “At least, you said something like that earlier today”.

Jeremy told him, that his mother had given the complete truth as far as she knew it. Including the detail, that he was the bastard son of a drug-addicted Boston hooker and one of her johns. He ended his account with a sighed:

“So, it looks I’m more a less some kind of industrial accident”.

Noah looked over the wetland reeds, thinking it over, but finally he said:

“I sure hope you don’t feel yourself a lesser person because of that. I mean: you’re not responsible for being begot and you’re not to blame for what your natural parents did”.

“No, you’re right”, Jeremy said, “But…let us say that my lineage is becoming very murky this way”.

“Don’t do that to yourself!” Noah said sharply, only to soften his tone when he asked:

“What are you going to do with it?”

“Don’t know yet”, Jeremy answered despondent, “One part of me says: so be it and just let it be. Another part of me says that I want to search for my natural mother. I don’t know why. I’ve got nothing to say to her and she has nothing to offer me. I guess…just to see if there is any similarity between us, assuming she is still alive. Besides…I don’t know a thing about her. OK, she was in Boston when I was born, but by now she might also be in Frisco or Hawaii…or in her grave. And you know, I really don’t know how and by what means I should search for her”.

“You’ve got the adoption papers?” Noah asked.

The question surprised Jeremy, so he asked:

“No, why that?”

“I guess I can help you. Let me put it this way: if you decide to forget about it, then don’t give me the papers. If you decide to start a search, give the papers to me”.

“But what good would that do?” Jeremy required astonished.

“My dad is a lawyer, pal”, Noah just said with a smile.

“Hey, Noah…I really can’t afford a lawyer”, Jeremy cried out.

Noah reacted pretty peculiar. He just started to look around as if he was searching for something.

“What are you doing?” Jeremy asked somewhat irritated.

“Just looking around if somebody was there, who had mentioned the word paying. There’s nobody there, so who mentioned paying?”

“Oh, come on, your dad won’t buy that”, Jeremy objected.

“You bet”, Noah said self-assured, “But only because his son has asked him to do so!”

The sun started to dip towards the tops of the western mountains, casting longer shadows over the marshes. Noah shifted a bit, pushing his shoulder against Jeremy’s.

“Tell me, Jeremy”, he asked in what was almost a whisper, “With what you know now, about your mother and all, is the big city still that appealing to you?”

Jeremy bowed his head, thinking it over. Then he shook it and in a low voice he managed to say:

“Maybe some remaining appeal, but not as much as it used to be. Somehow it lost its glamor, somehow I found out I was dreaming about something that wasn’t there in the first place. But that puts me in some kind of vacuum”.

“What do you mean?” Noah wanted to know.

“Simple…I feel I don’t belong here, now I have major doubts if I belong in a big city, actually questioning myself if I could survive there. Where do I belong then? Where on earth can I feel myself welcome? Where can I feel myself at home?”

Noah gazed over the darkening wetlands. Jeremy thought he could discern a tear rolling over his cheek, but the fading light made him doubt it, until Noah said:

“My mother always said: home is where the heart is. So, I guess I found my home!”

Jeremy didn’t catch the ambiguous meaning of the remark, instead reacting with:

“So, you’re happy outdoors?”

“Hm hm”, Noah only hummed.

Then he rose and with a smile he said:

“Man, I forget things. Just a second”.

He switched the music box on, lighted the camp fire, got a cork screw out of the backpack and opened the wine. After he had poured the red liquid in the cups, he gave one to Jeremy and sat down again, real close this time.

“Cheers”, he said with twinkling eyes.

“Cheers”, Jeremy answered.

Jeremy listened to the music, again something he hadn’t heard before but for a second time of an unimaginable beauty and harmony. His thoughts wandered off while he sipped from the wine and gazed over the reeds, that turned to some shade of purple. He didn’t notice, that Noah had taken his tank top off, but he was very aware of the soft pressure on his shoulder, when the boy laid his head on it. Suddenly he heard Noah ask:

“Did you have a boyfriend before, Jeremy?”

He chuckled and without thinking he blurted out:

“Here, in Newport? No way, man. I was the only gay here in town before you came”.

“Oh,” Noah whispered in a provocative way, “So…you admit you’re gay then?”

Jeremy blushed, feeling caught red handed by his own mistake. He tried to save face by saying:

“I guess like you are, that is: if that is what your bracelet is supposed to mean”.

Noah nodded, but with dreamy eyes he continued undisturbed:

“I guess there are more gays in this town than you think. How many kids we’ve got at school? About four hundred?”.

Jeremy nodded with a non-committal:

“About yes”.

“Half of them are girls, so there are two hundred boys left”, Noah reasoned on. Then he lifted his head, looked in Jeremy’s eyes and asked:

“Did you know that scientists estimate that about five percent of all males is gay? That means that there are ten other boys at school who are gay. But then again, you didn’t have a boyfriend before?”

Jeremy shook his head and in some kind of supreme effort to ward off the oncoming threat he felt he thoughtlessly said:

“Did you?”

Noah had his head back on Jeremy’s shoulder and replied:

“Hey, what do you think? I’m a big city boy. I had my share of flirts and dates and enjoyed most of them. And I’m no virgin any longer. And now you ask…yes, I had a boyfriend…at least, that is what I thought. He was beautiful but he turned out to be a real asshole”.

“Why that?” Jeremy inquired. It amazed him to the extreme, that the boy had the courage to spill all this intimate information about himself voluntarily.

“I found out by sheer coincidence he had a boyfriend in each part of the city. Man, if this guy gave them all the amount of sperm he gave me, then he must have had an almost endless supply of the stuff. But I didn’t want to be just one of his whores so I kicked him out”.

A long silence fell over the small patch of grass, only disturbed by the crackling of the campfire and the soft, soothing music. The evening turned the sky into violet and orange and shadows were very few, which was to be expected since shadows only exist when the light is of enough intensity to cause them in the first place. Unconsciously Jeremy had started stroking the black curls on his shoulder again, causing an almost continuous low purring-like moan, that blended perfectly with the low tones in the music.

The standard saying is “out of the blue”, but the time of the day and the atmosphere dictate to modify this to “out of the violet”. Anyway, without previous warning Noah asked in a low, soft voice:

“Why are you doing this to yourself, Jeremy?”

“What?” Jeremy reacted in utter surprise.

“Why do you entrench your beautiful self behind a barrier of toughness?” Noah specified his question.

It didn’t matter if it was a left hook or a right hook, in any case the tough and mean Bobcat went KO. He felt fear coming up, an unreasonable fear that he was at the verge of getting it all off his chest, to make a clean slate, but this fear endangered the process. It was too enormous for a young boy!

“Jeremy?” he heard Noah’s soft voice invitingly, “Just talk to me. Try to explain it to me. I’m not going to harm you, my love!”

Jeremy swallowed hard, sighed deep and…surrendered! Slowly he started to talk:

“I am afraid. From primary school on I felt I was different from the other guys. There was this vague notion I was adopted, that I was a bastard. And I did things, that other kids didn’t. They played baseball, I read books and wrote poems. I felt like a nurd, a sissy. And I didn’t want to be a sissy. I just wanted to be one of the gang”.

He took another deep sigh, swept some tears away and continued:

“That reading and writing…I knew that was me. But I also knew, that they would outcast me if they found out. And then from…I guess from twelve on…I found out I loved boys. At the same time when baseball was replaced by football. Man, when I looked at myself in the mirror and thought about all them high school football heroes…they could have crunched me with one of their enormous hands or kick me to Kingdom Come with their plump feet. I knew I had to protect myself, defend myself. So, I started to do martial arts at Saint Johnsbury. It ended almost in failure, because I was more captivated by the Eastern philosophy behind it all than the actual physical, violent parts of it. But since Eastern philosophy is not very helpful, when a football giant gets mad at me, I had to endure that as well. All the bruises from the faulty rolls, all the sprained ankles from the wrong kicks, all the pain during training. I had to!

You know…I really was so couped up with myself, that I didn’t notice that my defense was successful. I found it out accidentally when I heard, that they dubbed me the Bobcat at school…small, fast and mean. So, I started to cultivate that image to the extreme. It didn’t occur to me, that I was as much a loner as I would have been when I had been a sissy. Only difference was, that the rest avoided me out of fear. And at home or on my secret spots I read, thought, dreamed, wrote, all by myself. I felt secure there, I could be myself”.

Another sigh and another sob, followed by:

“But gradually I found out, that the defense was too successful. It was not only effective in keeping hurt and aggression away from me, it also blocked everything, when I wanted to express myself to the outer world, when I wanted to open up my inner core. I was no longer able to communicate with other people, apart from my parents”.

Despite the fearful agony he felt he chuckled when he said:

“That is…until that new kid came at school”.

Light was almost non-existent by now, apart from the flickering campfire flames. The sounds from the woodland behind them and the marshes in front had died, only to resurrect at the first glimpses of light during the beginning of the new day.

“So…” Noah said barely audible, “If I understand it right…the Bobcat is just a wall to hide it all”.

Jeremy nodded, muttering in admiration:

“That’s a beautiful, poetic way of saying it”.

Out of habit Jeremy cringed when he felt Noah’s hand stroking his hair, but he relaxed when he heard the soothing voice say in his ear:

“My love, do you think you can rip this wall off? So that you can show your real shining personality? Would you do that for me?”

“I can try”, Jeremy sighed, “Because somehow it sickens me. No guarantees given”.

The voice in his ear became even softer when it said:

“And if you get a hand to help you?”

“Depends on whose hand it is”, Jeremy stammered.

“Mine for example?” the soft voice said.

With a relieved smile Jeremy looked at the boy next to him, accidentally staring right in the deep dark eyes, that had a glance he hadn’t seen before. They expressed determination and support.

“I think it’ll work then”, Jeremy said equally soft.

He kept staring in the eyes and felt physically drawn towards Noah’s mouth. His lips neared Noah’s and he heard himself ask:

“Noah, may I kiss you?”

There was a short giggle, then Noah said:

“Wow, what is happening here?”

Jeremy recoiled in terror. He felt how the panic surged through his veins and cramped his muscles but with difficulty he managed to scramble up, crying out:

“Sorry…forget it! Just forget it! That was out of order! I…I…I won’t bother you again! Sorry again!”

With the tears streaming over his cheeks, he started to stumble towards the pickup.

“Jeremy..,Jeremy…”, Noah cried out, “Relax, slow down, honey. Come back…Please, come back!”

Jeremy stopped, looked at the boy and stammered:

“No…you said, you don’t want me to kiss you. It won’t happen again, Noah. I’ll never bother you again”.

“Jeremy”, Noah objected, “I didn’t say I don’t want you to kiss me. I said: Wow, what is happening here? But you didn’t give me the chance to add: I thought you would never ask. Come on, calm down and sit with me. Please?”. The last “please” sounded as an entreaty.

Hesitatingly Jeremy walked back. Only now he noticed, that Noah’s upper body was naked and despite his overwhelming feelings of screaming uncertainty he marveled at the sight: the lightly vaulted, smooth chest, the flat and equally smooth abdomen, the well-formed but not overly proportioned shoulders and biceps and especially the dark-tanned skin with the two small but hard and upright nipples, shining slightly orange in the light of the campfire.

“Do you mean…?” he asked, mentally shuddering at the thought that Noah might still say no.

“That’s what I meant”, Noah softly whispered, a smile on his face, that even surpassed the intensity of all smiles Jeremy had seen on that face before.

Noah stretched out his hand and the only words, that came over his lips, were:

“Come and sit with me!”

Jeremy complied and felt how Noah cupped his hands behind the back of his head, drawing it nearer and nearer. With eyes, that provided a direct path to the deepest parts of his soul and feelings, Noah looked in Jeremy’s and whispered:

“You frightened me, sweetheart. How close can this butterfly approach before the snail crawls to the safety of the little house on his back?”

Jeremy shrugged: he didn’t know the answer, even if he wanted to. Noah was not impressed by the shrug and uttered barely audible:

“Come here, my love!”

The pressure in the back of Jeremy’s neck grew and their heads came closer. Finally, lips touched lips and both felt everything around them fade away. Their whole universe was reduced to those two pairs of lips. Waving reeds, woodland, mumbling river, the dark mountains on the horizon…it all had simply ceased to exist.

With their lips still touching Noah let himself fall backward, pulling Jeremy with him, so that he fell on top of him. He looked in the dark eyes and saw an expression he had never seen before, but which he instinctively understood for what it was: it was the violent expression of raw desire. He felt how Noah pulled at his t-shirt in an effort to get it off his body. And the boy actually managed to do it without tearing it to pieces but then resumed his firm grip around Jeremy’s neck, continuously kissing him wherever the lips could touch him.

Noah made it clear at an early stage, that he had the experience and that Jeremy was the beginner. The boy opened his mouth, enclosing Jeremy’s lips with his and started stroking them with the tip of his tongue. It took some time for the green Jeremy to get the hint, but then he opened his mouth to let Noah’s tongue slip in for a choreography for two boys and two tongues.

The intense, heated kissing continued for a while. When they stopped for a short break to catch their breath, at least that is what Jeremy thought in all his innocence, Noah looked at him with feverishly burning eyes and whispered in an almost commanding way:

“Tear off my shorts!”

“Are you sure?” Jeremy asked confused.

Noah nodded, still looking feverish, and added:

“And then pull of your jeans and boxers!”

“But…” Jeremy objected weakly.

“Jeremy, my love…”, Noah hissed, “Do it! I need you…I want you! Damned, I wanted you from the first day I saw you!”

“Sweetheart”, Jeremy said, feeling terribly ashamed, “It’s my first time. I don’t know what to do. You’ll have to guide me through this”.

Noah just licked his lips in irresistible seduction and whispered:

“Just follow the flow of your heart and everything will turn out just fine. If you make any mistakes, I’ll correct you. Now, my sweetest, get my shorts off, please….”.

Jeremy did so. He felt his hands shaking when he carefully opened the skimpy short and tore it off Noah’s hips. He was rewarded by a beautiful, medium-sized cock, that jumped into freedom as soon as the textures gave it the freedom to do so. It was crowned at its base with a short trimmed, dark triangle of pubic hair. Jeremy tore the short further down over Noah’s ankles, leaving the boy totally naked on the red blanket. Even in the soft orange light Noah’s arousal was clearly visible because the cock’s tip glistened from moisture.

“Oh wow…” Jeremy could only exclaim, barely able to breathe, “You are so beautiful”.

He was now past any shame and rapidly pulled off his jeans and boxers. He kneeled between Noah’s legs, bent over and with something that bordered to reverence he softly kissed the gleaming dick tip, tasting the very first drops of precum on his lips.

“It tastes magnificent”, he panted excited.

“You like it?” Noah asked full of anticipation.

Jeremy nodded fervently. He lost all restraint, took the tip in his mouth and started to suck it feverishly.

“Oooh yeeaahhh”, Noah moaned, “You’re doing great!”

“Really?” Jeremy asked, feeling a kind of pride over it.

“Yeeahh…go on…please…!!” was the panted reply.

He did go on, enjoyed every drop of fluids that entered his mouth. He alternated between sucking and licking up and down the shaft with some small trips to Noah’s balls. The boy moaned, groaned and panted but suddenly he said:

“Get over me!”

“Huh?” Jeremy reacted, not understanding what Noah wanted.

“Don’t you know 69?” Noah asked with twinkling eyes.

Jeremy looked at him with eyes of ignorance, as if someone had asked a 6 years old primary school kid about Einstein’s relativity theory or quantum physics. He felt deeply ashamed by his inexperience.

“So gorgeous and still so fresh!”, Noah giggled, “Doesn’t matter. I’ll explain it to you!”

And he sure did. He did it that vividly, that Jeremy picked the meaning up right away and in a matter of minutes he felt, how Noah gulped in his whole seven incher in his mouth, while he continued sucking and licking Noah’s five-and-a-half incher. Both felt extremely exciting, the sucking at his own dick made him almost cum, but he managed to hold it all back. And the increasing quantities of fluids on Noah’s tip made his licking a real treat.

But again, Noah interrupted the pleasures after a while when he said:

“Stop! Give me a long and hot kiss first”.

“And then?” Jeremy asked.

Noah looked him in the eyes with so much fiery desire in his, that they might cause a forest fire. He licked his lips and then slowly said:

“Then…you…take…me!”

“You…you’re…you’re sure?” Jeremy asked in doubt.

The longing in Noah’s eyes had only increased when he looked into Jeremy’s eyes a second time and in mock anger, or was it mock despair?, he muttered:

“Jeremy, I just told you that I wanted you from the first day I saw you! Now goddamn, get in me. I want to feel you deep inside me. Just do it...I beg you!”

“OK”, Jeremy muttered somewhat tense.

“Or don’t you want to?” Noah asked, fear of disappointment clearing dripping from his words and the way they were spoken.

“Yes…! Yes…!” Jeremy cried out in desperation, “I would love to. But…I hope I’ll do it right!”

“Just follow your heart, sweetie!” Noah said again.

Jeremy chose to follow a more “scientific” approach. He tried frantically to remember what those one-dimensional stories on the gay story sites and the few pornos, he had watched on internet in deep secrecy, had taught him. Somehow, in a short span of time he tinkered some kind of mental picture together and he started to execute it. Because, the last thing he wanted was to fail his big love in this decisive action.

Noah stuck his legs in the air, offering free access to his tiny grotto. Jeremy was well aware it was now or never: either he would conquer the boy’s heart for eternity or he would be shot to the dark depths of oblivion in Noah’s memory, or even worse: as a bad reminiscence. He couldn’t fail. So, he repeated the steps in the stories and clips in a flash and maneuvered his dick tip against the small but enticing hole as per instruction manual. In a way he experienced it as surreal. He had dreamed of it hundreds, maybe even thousands of times and now the ultimate moment was finally there, that these dreams would be fulfilled.

It took him two or three clumsy attempts to get his dick in Noah’s narrow corridor, bringing him almost on the brink of despair. But then, all of a sudden, he plopped in. The feeling overpowered him, the damp, warm and soft environment all around his over-agitated tip. All guidance from stories and pornos vanished in thin air, but his heart took over control as per default.

Since his heart told him to do it gently and carefully, he tentatively continued to enter Noah’s depths, enjoying each second and reveling in the way Noah moaned and wriggled. The boy’s cries of lust filled the silent night air.

Poor Jeremy didn’t even get to thrusting. Apart from the previous stimulations of his tree he was so uptight from desire, that only the small and gradual inward movements were enough to feel the semen boil in his balls. He didn’t want to cum yet…he wanted to stay in Noah for hours, no…forever! But nature took over and with a roar he sprayed it all in Noah, blot after blot, feeling as if he was shot into heaven! Deep in his subconscious the wall, that had hidden it all, started to crumble, burying the Bobcat under a mass of mental stones.

He felt his chest heave to fill his lungs with air and looked at Noah’s face. It had the smile of a saint in divine ecstasy on it and the eyes were closed. He lowered his legs slowly and Jeremy bent over, chest to chest, and kissed both closed eye lids tender.

“Stay in me”, Noah muttered softly, “Don’t leave me!”

Jeremy felt his doubts come back. He put his lips against Noah’s ear and barely audible he asked:

“Did…did I do all right?”

Noah opened his eyes. The fire of lust and longing had diminished somewhat, but was replaced by a glance of deep-felt gratitude when he uttered under his breath:

“I didn’t correct you, did I? You did it letter-perfect and all by the book! Just the way I want it”.

They embraced and kissed, with Jeremy still in Noah, thoroughly enjoying the confined space and pushing his hips up and down in a lazy after-thrusting.

“Let us do this again and again and again”, Noah whispered, his eyes filled with burning love. Then he giggled and said teasingly:

“I feel you’re getting limp, my love”.

Jeremy smiled shyly and muttered a “sorry about that”.

“It’s just nature, my love”, Noah said re-assuring, “Only mine is still hard. Would you like to play with it? Will you do that for me?”

Jeremy nodded fervently and was about to grab the still-damp phallus, when Noah pushed him on his back and sat astride him.

“Then play with it!” he hissed, “Just grab it and make me happy!”

Jeremy grabbed it. He took it in both hands, tenderly stroking it or alternatively kneading the hard balls. His eyes saw the most wonderful sight in the world. The curly hair dancing up and down, the spine curved, the eyes closed, the mouth open in panting and moaning and all that in the dark-tanned skin, perfectly silhouetted against a corona of softly glowing orange light.

“This must be real love!” he muttered.

He felt how Noah’s dick started to jerk and shock and saw the hot white juice squirting out of it with the speed of lightning, ending up on his belly. Then Noah let himself fall in his arms, kissing him vigorously.

“Hmmm”, Jeremy softly objected, “now I can’t reach your semen. I wanted to taste it, you know!”

“No problem”, Noah giggled.

He rolled half back on his side, stroked his fingertip over his cock head and over the blots on Jeremy’s belly and then stuck it gently in Jeremy’s mouth.

“You like it?” he asked curious.

Jeremy could only nod in delight but finally managed to say:

“It tastes like heaven”.

Noah remained on his side, his head on Jeremy’s chest and said:

“I told you in all honesty I was no virgin any longer. But this was the most beautiful fuck I ever had, because it was not only horniness, but it radiated real love”.

A long kiss followed. Jeremy looked in the dark eyes and muttered:

“Because I love you, sweetheart. It is that simple!”

“I love you too”, the immediate reply came, “You will be in my heart forever”.

They remained in their intimate embrace, kissing, caressing and chatting. But at some moment, they slumbered away, a slumber that finally became real sleep. Even in their sleep the embrace was never broken.

 

Jeremy opened his eyes and saw to his surprise, that the sky was growing grey again. He had no idea what had woken him up. It could have been a sound or the chilly air, that he felt on his naked body. But with satisfaction he noticed, that Noah was still at least partly with his head on his chest.

Somewhere a blackbird started to sing, announcing the rebirth of nature in early morning for another day. When he heard it, he felt, that it wasn’t the only rebirth. He didn’t understand the why, but was sure he felt reborn as well. As if some kind of freedom had entered his soul.

He looked at Noah, who was still sound asleep. Softly he started to stroke the curly hair with extreme caution, so that he wouldn’t wake him up.

“My angel, I will love you until my dying day”, he whispered, overwhelmed by all that had taken place during the past night. He almost startled when Noah started to giggle and said with a teasing voice:

“I heard that!”

The curly head came up and the first good morning kiss was pressed on his lips with a soft and tender:

“Good morning, gorgeous love of my life”.

“Good morning, my angel, I hope I didn’t wake you up. I certainly didn’t intend to. You were just too beautiful to look at while you were asleep”.

Noah shook his head laughing and replied:

“No, you didn’t. I woke up about fifteen minutes ago. But I loved it too much to be on your chest while you were sleeping”.

“What time is it?” Jeremy asked, more or less still in his waking up modus.

“About half past five”, Noah said.

“Fuck, man!” Jeremy cried out, “Then I’m in deep shit with my folks! And I guess you as well with your father”.

Noah casually shook his head and said matter-of-factly:

“Not me. I’ve got no problem in the world”.

“Huh?” Jeremy reacted in surprise.

“Hey, my father knows about my being gay since I was fourteen”, Noah explained, “And in the meantime he has learned to read the signs. I can even tell you what he thought when I ran down the stairs yesterday in a skimpy short and tank top”.

Jeremy looked at him with questioning eyes.

Noah giggled and said:

“He thought: Oh my god, he has a new boyfriend again! My father doesn’t mind my sex life”.

Jeremy rolled his eyes and uttered:

“It is not about my sex life. Actually, I had no sex life until last night. It’s more that I didn’t come home without a message. They will be worried as hell”.

Noah embraced him, looked in his eyes with a warm, loving glance, kissed him again and whispered:

“Understandable. Then I suggest we dress and go home. But don’t you ever forget that I love your eyes and that I love you”.

“I won’t!” Jeremy smiled, “Besides: I got the funny feeling that you will remind me of that in a most convincing way”.

“You bet!” Noah growled in a mock threat.

 

After dropping Noah off at his place Jeremy drove home, thinking hard to find a way to sneak into the house without being noticed. He finally decided to use the back door through the kitchen as the most secure infiltration route.

Unfortunately, he wasn’t the only one who got that smart idea because, when he stealthily slipped through the back door into the kitchen, his mother sat waiting for him at the kitchen table.

“Well, well”, she said, “Look who is there? The lost son! And where have you been, if I may ask?”

“I was at Noah’s place, mom”, he answered, only partly according to the truth.

“Who is Noah?” she asked.

“A friend of mine”, he replied as casually as he could.

“Funny, you never mentioned a Noah. And you were there all night?”

There was a kind of sharpness and incredulity in her voice, so Jeremy put on his most guilty eyes and started to act as embarrassed as his acting talents permitted him when he said:

“Well…the truth is…Noah threw a party yesterday evening…and eeeuhh…well…you know…I drank too much. So, Noah’s father didn’t think it very wise that I would be driving home, so he made me spend the night there”.

It sounded completely plausible to him and he was quite content with his master piece of improvisation, so he said:

“If you don’t mind, I’m going to get me a shower”.

He knew he had to get out of that kitchen before his mother would launch any more prying questions, so he walked to the door to go to the staircase. Just when he wanted to go through the door, he heard his mother ask:

“And where does this Noah live? In the middle of the woods?”

“Why that?” he asked astonished.

With a smile on her face his mother answered:

“Because you got grass, leaves and twigs sticking out of your jeans”.

“Fuck!” it flashed through his head.

“Eeeuhh..” he struggled to find an answer, “Must have happened during the barbeque. We were sitting in the grass then”.

His mother just nodded and insisted with:

“But you’re not going to tell me who Noah is?”

He knew he was in a pinch and he knew he had to get to his room ASAP. He tried to defuse the whole situation by saying:

“I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you soon…when I’m ready for it!”

Then he walked out of the kitchen…well, maybe he actually fled from it, and took the stairs two or three steps at a time.

His mother smiled the smile so typical for mothers all over the world, who seem to know what is going on without being told and said:

“Now you make me really curious, honey”.

 

Jeremy shut the door of his room and sighed in relief. This had been a close call, actually it was a call too close for comfort. Although he wanted to shower as well, the first thing he did was switching on his laptop. He went to his secret and strictly private file, entered the password and opened the diary file:

 

Hi,

 

Sorry I wake you up at this unusual hour of the day. But I have so much incredible things to tell you. In a way I’m not really sure if they really happened or that I have just been dreaming it all.

Guess what…I kissed him! Yes…I kissed him. And he kissed me. Not only once…we kept kissing, God knows how many times…I lost count, because I was too busy with kissing. I really was.

No, I’m not blabbering…oh well, maybe in a way I am, but I’m too overwhelmed by all what happened last night to write something sensible and coherent. Because…it didn’t stop with just kissing…

We made love! Can you believe that? We really did it, just the two of us. We told we loved each other…not only with words, but with our whole bodies. OK…the words were whispered, but the physical declarations of our loves were anything but silent. I never imagined, that such a beautiful thing can exist. It is like being totally engrossed in emotions and intimacy. It was the merging of…fuck…how do I call it? The merging of our most intimate parts and our bodies as a whole, but most of all of our emotions and feelings for each other in some physical expression of all this.

And in the morning, when we woke up at a very early morning twilight, nothing had changed…the love was still there, confirmed by a very sweet and tender good morning kiss. It wasn’t just some whim, some overflow of hormones.

And on the other hand…no, this is not about doubts about Noah. That is a clear-cut case of totally and hopelessly falling in love with one another, without a way back. No, I meant something else.

When I woke up this morning, at the marshes, I felt that something else had changed. Don’t know how to say it…because I take the risk that even my diary thinks I’ve gone totally berserk! Maybe I am, don’t know. Maybe, when I read it back in a few years, I can tell my shrink “Hey, this is where it all started!”

You know, my rock pillar of support, I felt reborn. Something fundamental had changed. It was, as if the shackles had fallen off my soul, giving me space to breathe in freedom. I felt no fear or doubts, didn’t struggle with all those questions I had before. Yeah…call a shrink! But, no jokes, I’m serious.

I feel as if I want to say to this town: “Hey, whether you like it or not, this boy, this tough mongrel, has finally found himself and he is gay. And if you don’t like it, fuck you!” And then add “And I’m in love with Noah!”. And to hell with the consequences…provided there are any. In other words…I feel like I lost my convulsive protective attitude, I feel that I can be who I really am. Especially with him on my side!

Well, these are the first thoughts and impressions of all that happened in the last night, apart from the heartfelt wish I would do it another time the next night without questioning. But first I’ll take a shower, change clothes and go down.

Cross your fingers, diary, because I think there’s a thunderstorm brewing when I enter the kitchen for my breakfast.

Before he turned on the water Jeremy considered if he would wash himself completely. It was such a waste to rinse away the traces of Noah’s semen, where they had fallen on his abdomen. He saw it as a kind of monument to their young and indomitable love. But he knew as well that, especially in summer temperatures, dried semen tended to develop a distinct, penetrating odor and he couldn’t take the risk, that his parents would smell it. So, with pain in his heart, he rinsed it off, only in the hope that new monuments of this kind would be erected soon.

When he finished showering, he took a towel to dry himself, shaved the stubble off his chin and cheeks and looked in the mirror. While looking in his own eyes he decided on the spot. He had promised his mom to tell her about Noah when he was ready for it…well, he was ready for it!

He put on a clean boxer and walked to his room, where he took freshly washed clothes out of the closet and dressed. Then he went down to the kitchen for breakfast, ready for every kind of anger or thunderstorm, that might be unleashed at him.

He entered the kitchen, where both his parents were having their breakfast.

“Here we go”, he thought somewhat tense.

His father looked up with a smile and said kindly:

“Hi son, you gleam like a guy who just won the jackpot. What makes you so happy?”

Jeremy needed a few seconds before he could answer. He was too surprised. He had expected everything, but not this.

“Well…”, he muttered, “Nothing special, dad. I just feel good and it looks, that it is going to be a beautiful day”.

“Coffee, honey?” his mother asked with a smile, “And do you want an egg for breakfast?”

His amazement only increased. There was no mentioning of last night, as if he hadn’t been absent in the first place. What was going on over here?

As usual he took cereals, poured the milk over them and started eating. He didn’t notice the smiling glances his parents exchanged.

“Your egg, honey”, he heard his mom say.

“Thanks, mom”, he muttered.

Something was wrong here…even dead wrong! But what?

After about five minutes he couldn’t stand it any longer. He put his spoon back on the table, coughed and said:

“Mom, dad…there is something I want to share with you, something you should know”.

Both looked up as if in surprise, but it was clear, that it was a very bad copy of the real thing. They stared expectantly to him, giving him no other choice then to start. He had to, after his announcement.

“First of all, sorry for last night. It eeuhh…wasn’t planned that way but things turned out as they turned out. I really didn’t intend to get you worried”.

“Oh well,” his father hummed with a beaming smile, “I’ve been young as well, once in the old days”.

“Ah”, his mother reacted as if she understood it all, “But, may I ask where you were?”

“At the marshes, mom”, he replied, this time fully according to the truth.

“But”, his mother objected gently, “You said you were with…I forgot his name…eeeuh…I think it was Noah or something like that”.

Although he felt really tense, in a way their cat and mouse game almost made him laugh.

“I…I was with Noah, mom”, he said, “I said this morning that I would tell you about Noah when I was ready for it. Well, I’m ready for it”.

“And?” his mother asked, her eyes burning with curiosity.

With a nervous smile Jeremy said:

“I don’t want to shock the both of you…but Noah and me love each other. We’re kind of….well…we’re lovers. We’re both…oh well, you know what I mean…don’t you?”

His parents looked at each other with an overdone “Do you understand it?” in their eyes. Jeremy felt, how he started to sweat profusely. To make it even worse his mother put her hand on his and said overly friendly and understanding:

“What do you mean, honey? You can tell your mom everything, you know that!”

Jeremy sighed, swallowed, closed his eyes and softly said:

“We’re both homosexual”.

“Ah”, his mother uttered, “I don’t need the details, but I guess I got a pretty good picture about last night now”. She giggled when she added:

“When you entered the kitchen earlier this morning…I’ve never seen you so happy before in your life”

Jeremy was able to produce a tense smile, but felt good about having it spitted out…well, at last, that was.

“I didn’t want to disappoint you. I’m really sorry, but I can’t change my feelings for Noah”, he said dejected. He recovered and said out loud, somewhat headstrong and confident:

“And I don’t want to change my feelings for Noah!”

He still felt his mother’s hand on his and he heard her say:

“Why disappointment? Why should you change your feelings? Hey, honey, this is not the Stone Age. Your father and I are not cave dwellers. Actually, I knew it for a long time”.

“How that?” Jeremy asked surprised.

She shrugged, thought it over briefly and then responded:

“I don’t know why I knew it. No, maybe it is better to call it: why I felt it. It’s just one of those things that mothers feel”.

He looked furtively at his father and carefully asked:

“Dad?”

“Do I look like an ape man, son? Besides: you’ll turn 18 in two months and you’re old enough to make up your own mind who you love. But before you start thinking I knew it as well…no, I didn’t, until your mother talked it over with me one evening. Since then, we were only waiting for it to happen”.

“God, Noah was right!” he exclaimed.

Both his parents looked as if this time they really didn’t understand it, so he started to explain it:

“He asked me yesterday why I did all this to myself. This hiding, this suppression of feelings because I was afraid of them, this heart wrenching because I didn’t want to hurt you. And now…it turns out it was all unnecessary”.

His mother smiled approvingly and said:

“From what I hear he seems to be a very sensitive and smart boy!”

Jeremy rose and embraced and kissed his mother with a:

“Thanks, mom, I love you!”

The same treatment was reserved for his father, who grinned broadly while enduring it.

“Honey, your egg is getting cold”, his mother said admonishing, stroking his blond hair at the same time.

With a big smile on his face, he sat down and started to eat the egg. Never before in his life an egg had tasted so damned good!

 

Jeremy had graduated from high school a few months before. Both he and Noah had taken their precautions to avoid that their connection would be cut. Jeremy was no longer at school, while Noah had another year ahead of him, which meant they couldn’t meet at school any longer. But they made up for that in after school hours and to stay in touch they exchanged phone numbers.

Many an evening were spent at Noah’s room, listening to one of the records from his extensive musical collection and chatting, kissing and cuddling. And when hormones really went out of control, they went to one of Jeremy’s secret spots.

However, one of them, the high tree outside the village, fell in disgrace when it turned out, that Noah had a terrible fear of heights. Jeremy had just shrugged about it. It was a small price to pay for all he became in return. And during these months their intense love remained unabated.

Jeremy also had some lose ends from his adolescence to tidy up. First of all, he decided to start a search for his natural mother, although the reasons were not really clear to him. He didn’t have the illusion he would find something, that hadn’t been there in the first place, but maybe it gave him clues why he was like he was. As a result of this decision, he gave Noah the adoption papers and reconciled himself to an anticipated long wait for any results, assuming there would be any.

And then there was this other tiny detail: what to do after his graduation? He didn’t want to study, at least not immediately. He had enough of sitting in school benches, listening to some teacher who just droned on about some subject, that Jeremy didn’t consider particularly interesting. Besides: if he chose to go to college, he had to leave Noah behind, something that he was definitely not willing to do. His future was with the two of them, not in some sub-graduate degree on his own!

But then what? He had discussed his wishes with his parents, but his father was pretty pessimistic about the possibilities in this remote area. Maybe Burlington offered some chances, he suggested. But that was again a no go for Jeremy, because it also conflicted with his wish to stay with Noah. That was something, that was non-negotiable!

The solution for this nearly unsolvable problem came unexpected on a sunny late August day. Jeremy entered the small local bookstore in Main Street to find some new book. The store was owned by Mr. Leibnitz, an elderly gentleman, halfway in his sixties.

Being a regular customer, he was greeted with a jovial:

“Hi, Jeremy, how are you, son?”

“I’m fine, Mr. Leibnitz, and how are you?”

The man chuckled when he said:

“Getting older by the day, son. By the way: congratulations”.

“Why that, sir?” Jeremy asked surprised.

“I heard you graduated”, was the reply.

“Oh…yeah…I almost forgot about that. But thanks anyway”, Jeremy said smiling.

“And what are you going to do now, son?” the man asked.

Jeremy shrugged and somewhat pessimistic he answered:

“Don’t know. I know what I want, but it seems the possibilities over here are very limited”.

“Tell me about it”, Mr. Leibnitz said invitingly.

Jeremy told him about his love for books, for literature and for reading, apart from his love for writing himself. As hidden as he had kept it before, as freely he discussed it now. In a way he felt, that Noah had worked miracles with him.

The elderly man looked pensively out of the shop window and said:

“You’ve been here so often. So, I always thought you loved books and reading. How about a nice fresh coffee, Jeremy?”

“Oh yes, sir, I would love that”, he rapidly answered.

Mr. Leibnitz was the kind of shop owner who believed in full service. When his clients wanted to check a certain book, he had a table and some chairs available for them and always a can of fresh coffee in reach.

“Sit down, son”, the man said.

Jeremy sat down and took a sip of the hot, strong coffee.

“I’ll be straight with you, son”, Leibnitz said, “I’m turning 65 now and I feel the shop becomes too much work for me. I want to slow down a bit, take some more rest and I’m searching for someone who can run the shop for me when I’m not here. Might that be something to your liking?”

Jeremy almost choked in another sip of coffee from pure delight.

“Oh yes, Mr. Leibnitz, that would be great”, he cried out enthusiastically.

“Hey, don’t get me wrong”, the man said carefully, “You won’t get rich over here. I can pay you a small wage, but it’ll give you some experience when you want to move to another place with more and larger book shops”.

He stopped talking for a moment as if he was thinking about something, but then he spoke:

“The rumor goes you’ve got something going on with young Noah Eisenstern, is that right?”

Jeremy blushed but nevertheless he answered:

“Yes sir, that’s right!”

The man nodded in understanding and said:

“Who has to go another year at school, I heard. So I can understand that you want to stay in town. But maybe after that, when Noah is free to go where ever he wants. Well, son, what do you say?”

“Yes, Mr. Leibnitz, I’d love to work here”, Jeremy cried out excited.

“OK, when can you start, son?” the man inquired.

“As far as I am concerned…tomorrow morning will be fine, sir!” Jeremy said, smiling from ear to ear.

“OK, that’s settled then”, Mr. Leibnitz closed the matter casually, “I open store at 10. Then make sure you’re here”.

Totally elated Jeremy left the small book store. In his excitement he even forgot to buy a book.

 

Summer tended to its end with autumn approaching with giant steps. Evenings were getting colder while nights were getting longer and the first patches of milky fog had already been seen over the smooth surfaces of the lake.

It was the season in which the most foreign tourists came to the small state on the border and the immediate area around town to enjoy the autumn foliage, that decorated the hills like garland in variegated shades of green-turning red-turning yellow-turning brown, ending with the inevitable death of all the falling leaves. But when the time of this final stage of dying had come, most tourists had already gone home and the local folks stayed warm and cozy in their houses.

The annual wave of tourists made, that Jeremy and Mr. Leibnitz had their hands full at the small book store. Some of them just wanted a paperback to kill the time when they were at their hotel rooms, but most were looking for autumn foliage picture books to take home with them as a memento. It was not the number of customers or the quantities of books sold that caused any problems. It was more that most of these clients were only able to speak rudimentary English or, in some cases, no English at all. But they were very often extremely fluent in Japanese or Chinese or any of the other languages in the world, but this didn’t help to avoid many a confusion of tongues.

When the last foreign customer left the shop this Saturday afternoon at the end of September, Jeremy was anxious to leave as well.

“Anything you want to have done, Mr. Leibnitz?” he asked.

With a smile the elder man said:

“No, son. It’s done for today. I’ll just finish up the cash register and then I’m going up. So, you go ahead. You’d better not keep your boyfriend waiting. Have fun, son”.

Jeremy yelled something like “Have a nice weekend, Mr. Leibnitz”, but he was so hurried, that the man couldn’t have heard it all, since Jeremy noticed how the shop bell rang when he was halfway his last outcry.

As soon as he was outside, he grabbed his cell phone and pressed the pre-select with Noah’s number. It didn’t take five seconds before he heard Noah’s cheerful voice:

“Hi, sweetheart! Work is done?”

“Yeap”, he answered with a smile, “What are you doing?”

“Right now, you mean?” came a somewhat giggly question back.

“Yeah, OK”, Jeremy whispered.

“At this time…eeeuuuhhh…let me see…” came a teasing answer, given in a most seducing tone, “Oh yes, I remember: I was waiting for you!”

“Hmmm….”, Jeremy reacted, feeling excitement rise, “Shall I pick you up then? We can have a bite to eat at Martha’s and then we go to the marshlands. It could be the last time until spring comes”.

“At what time?” he heard, making it very clear to him, that he had hit the bullseye.

“Fifteen minutes from now!” he suggested.

“OK…see you, tiger!” was the last he heard before the connection was broken.

 

They ate their dinner at Martha’s. The quality of the food was mediocre at best, but Jeremy considered it better than next town’s Mac and it was about the only affordable place in town, that Jeremy could pay with his small wages, only invoicing reasonable prices.

Now they were at what they had started to call “their patch” at the rim of the marshes.

The trip to get there was unusual. Normally Noah kept admiring all around them, commenting all he saw or they chatted over lots of things. Now he just sat without speaking a word and was just dreamily staring out of the windshield.

“Something wrong, angel?” Jeremy had asked a bit worried.

“No, I’m fine…really”, was the answer.

He knew he lied a bit, because there was something on his mind. No, it was not doubt about his love for Jeremy. That was still as wild, passionate and impetuous as it had been in the beginning. And it pleased him, that Jeremy was no longer a greenbean in sexual matters, but had developed rapidly into a rather capable lover. The differences between his own extensive experiences and Jeremy’s lesser expertise were still noticeable, but the gap between them was closing rapidly.

But there was this one thing, that even he, with all his big city exploits, had never felt. He had read about it on internet, had seen it on the porn clips and he heard about it in the Boston gay bars, where it was described with reverence as the most wonderful feeling during sex, a feeling that would blow any gay boy completely out of his mind. It was about time he felt it himself! So he had decided, that this ultimate experience was for this very evening. And if Noah decided something, he made damned sure that he got it done!

Now they sat at “their patch” in their own chosen twoliness. The sun started to set at a much earlier hour than their first time here on this silent place, but as long as it shone the temperature was quite agreeable.

Noah laid his head on Jeremy’s shoulder and it didn’t even take five seconds before he whispered with a very sweet coaxing voice:

“Tiger…what would you answer if I say, that I’m in desperate need for you?”

Jeremy grinned and looked in the feverish dark eyes, saying:

“I guess…I would answer, that that can be arranged”.

“Mmmmmm”, Noah cajoled on, “That’s a very sweet, desirable answer. However, tiger…there is this little practical problem”.

“What is it?” Jeremy asked shocked.

“No, it has nothing to do with you…or with us”, Noah answered in his sweetest voice, “It’s just one of those things, that bottoms suffer from so every now and then”.

He started a totally incredible and absurd story, a story that each experienced gay would expose as fake at short shrift. But he knew, that Jeremy still had huge gaps in his knowledge about gay erotics. In a way he felt guilty, that he exploited this ignorance about one of the most intimate erotic games in being, but he had to find a way to get his lover to do it, one way or another. So he told about the tendency of that sweet little hole, that tops love so much, to cramp up so every now and then, making it almost inaccessible.

“Can we solve that?” Jeremy asked anxious, filled with the best of intentions, apart from his longing.

Noah just nodded with eyes full of fire. The game had almost caught the bait!

“How?” Jeremy inquired, burning with curiosity.

Noah put his lips against Jeremy’s ear and whispered:

“By opening it up in a very sweet and tender way”.

“How then?” Jeremy almost cried out, despairing for the delivering answer.

“With your tongue! By licking my little cunt”, Noah whispered even softer.

“You mean…licking your…?”, Jeremy exclaimed in confusion, his face contorted in disgust.

“Yeeeahhhhh”, Noah just said, but in his heart he felt a feeling, that said:

“Don’t blow it now, boy. He’s almost there”.

“But isn’t that…dirty...unhealthy?” Jeremy asked, slowly recovering from his fright.

“No, tiger”, Noah said casually, “Of course I washed and flushed it. You’ll find it spotlessly clean. And eeeuhhh….”

He pushed his seduction to the very limit, just to make sure that Jeremy would do it:

“You know how sweet the reward is, if you manage to open it up. Now, tiger, will you do that for me?”

Not fully convinced yet Jeremy nodded and said curt:

“OK, get stripped, angel!”

“You do that!” Noah just said.

He got on his knees, sticking his behind out towards Jeremy, who opened Noah’s jeans and pulled them down. The tiny, brightly shining yellow slip followed and Jeremy started to stroke the soft skin of the inviting haunches. But he knew that more was expected. If he wanted to reap the sweet harvest as well, then he could only do what Noah wanted him to do. And the thing between his legs made him very clear he wanted the benefits badly, throbbing that much, that it almost hurt.

He managed to overcome his loathing and spread Noah’s haunches, only to be rewarded by the most desirable sight he had ever seen. Oh yes, he had felt it, but never looked at it. And Noah had spoken the truth: it was spotless. He bent over, sticked out his tongue and started licking it.

He noticed immediately, that it had a very distinct taste, a taste that his mind in some way associated with something metallic. Initially he didn’t particularly like or dislike it, but while doing his thing he found it actually tasting real good. And he discovered it to have a particular odor, an odor that had nothing to do with the smell of shit but that had a kind of narcotic effect on him, robbing him of his apprehensive feelings and of his normal senses and that propelled him in some kind of higher sphere, in which only one single thing seemed to be of importance.

His state of mind became that hazy, that at a point he gingerly opened the rim with his two index fingers, pushing his tongue inside as far as he could, reveling at the more concentrated taste and smell he found there, bringing his nebulous state of mind at the brink of immediate loss of normal control.

With his face pushed against Noah’s soft buttocks and his tongue inside the shrine he was unable to see Noah’s facial expression when he continued his licking. He would have been surprised if he could. Noah’s face went from the expression of experiencing a dream fulfilled to one of a person, who is floating in pink and soft violet hazes, and then to extreme exaltation. In his lustful frenzy he banged his fists alternately on the ground and his mouth hung open, panting for breath. His tongue licked his lips but gradually it started to stuck out of his mouth, dancing a delicate choreography with a non-existing, imaginary tongue. In between he cried out for more.

Jeremy lost track of time. But after what seemed ages of licking, he observed the results of his efforts and was pleased to see, that the contracted and cramped muscle had actually opened up. In fact, still believing Noah’s earlier explanation, he felt quite proud of his accomplishment.

“It has opened, angel”, he whispered.

“Then take what you want!” was the answer, almost cried out in desperation.

Jeremy opened his jeans and tore if off, his undies going down in the same movement. He pushed that one body part, that by now controlled his whole body and his mental capacities as well, in the wide open, tempting hole. Aroused as he was, he didn’t need long to cum with a roar, that could scare off a starving cougar during his ultimate, final attempt to catch a prey.

After his culmination he stayed in Noah, slowly catching his breath and gradually returning to Mother Earth. But Noah startled him when he said out loud:

“Shit, tiger, it’s cold over here. I feel like I’m freezing”.

Jeremy felt it as well and he saw the goose bumps on his whole skin grow fast. The sun had finally set and cold had crept in from the South Bay and the marshes. But after the sparks had ignited in them and had developed into a blazing wildfire, they didn’t feel the damp chilly air. Now, with their fires smothered, they found out the hard way that the outer circumstances at “their patch” were anything but favorable.

“Let’s dress before we get sick”, Jeremy said, feeling his teeth starting to chatter.

After dressing they drove back to town and Jeremy dropped Noah off at his place. There were long goodbye kisses and finally Noah wanted to step out of the pickup. Just before he opened the door he cried out:

“Oh shit, I almost forgot! My father wants to speak to you!”

“What about?” Jeremy asked startled.

“Don’t know”, Noah said with a shrug, “He said it was none of my business. So…in case you’re afraid of that: it is not about us, because that certainly is my business! I think it’s about your mom…I mean your biological mother, but I’m not sure. You better call him Monday and make an appointment”.

“Thanks”, Jeremy said simple.

“What for?” Noah said with questioning eyes.

“For recruiting your dad’s help in trying to find her. And…more important, I guess: for the fact you are always there for me”.

With a beaming smile Noah kissed him and whispered:

“My pleasure, tiger. And thanks to you as well for always being there for me”.

The short delay of Noah’s departure and the exchange of gratitude led to another round of intense goodbye kissing, but at last Jeremy was alone in his truck, observing with a smile how Noah walked over the path to the front door. A sensor ignited a light at the house’s entrance and he saw Noah wave and throw a kiss hand. Then the boy went inside and the door was closed.

Even then Jeremy had trouble to tear his gaze off the door, but finally he managed and started his truck to drive home.

 

Hi, my ever-faithful diary,

 

I’m not even going to try to describe what we did this evening. Although I was initially abhorred by the idea, it turned out to be that incredibly beautiful, that I might actually fail to find the words to describe it.

But it made one thing perfectly clear to me: this dude has me under his spell! I love him, I adore him! And I hope and pray he will always be there. When I think of him, something I happen to do for about 23 hours a day, the most funny words and sentences pop up in my mind.

Here’s one of them:

 

You relieved me of my chains

Giving me the chance to be free

You took away all the pains

How beautiful love can be

 

You showed me the light

And enabled me at long last

To cease an unwinnable fight

Fears and doubts are of the past

 

Don’t you dare to laugh at me, diary! I’ve scrapped laptops for lesser reasons before!

 

The secretary ushered Jeremy in in Mr. Eisenstern’s office and closed the door. He casted a glance at the man behind the desk. He had seen him once, the evening of his first date with Noah, but then the man had been dressed in jeans and t-shirt. Now he was in full lawyer’s outfit, a dark suit, white shirt and blue tie.

Again, he felt some familiarity with the man’s smile, but it seemed to him, that his son’s smile had a much larger range of expressions, a range that bordered on the limitless.

“Hi, Jeremy”, the man greeted him, “Sit down”.

Jeremy muttered a polite “Good afternoon” in return and sat down, expecting the man to start right away with what he had to tell him. But it didn’t turn out that way.

Mr. Eisenstern slumped in his chair in a relaxed way and started to study him. No, it felt more like analyzing and Jeremy started to feel real uneasy under the gaze. Did all lawyers do that, taking their clients apart with their eyes before they started talking?

Although it must have taken only a little over a minute it felt like an eternity before Eisenstern started to speak:

“Well, I admit…I have always thought, that that son of mine has good taste, but what I see now confirms it for the full hundred percent”.

Jeremy blushed and muttered somewhat shy:

“Thank you, sir. I …I love him very much”.

The man grinned when he replied with:

“I can assure you it is mutual. Actually, there are days he is getting somewhat on my nerves, when he starts talking about you for another time, although he finished talking about you five minutes before that”.

“Sorry…”, Jeremy said somewhat giggly.

“But let’s get down to business, shall we?” the lawyer closed this little private matter, “To make it short and sweet: I’ve found your mother!”

Jeremy felt his jaw drop in amazement. After digesting this part of information, he stuttered:

“Is…is…is she…is she still alive?”

The lawyer nodded but did it with a dreary face when he said:

“Yes, but only barely and she might well die at short notice”.

“How do you know that?” Jeremy asked agitated.

“Because the doctor told me so”, was the answer, that could have been expected.

“Which doctor?”

“The one in the State nursing home where she has been living for the past few years”, Mr. Eisenstern said gently.

“But what does she have then? Which disease?”, Jeremy asked irritated. Did he have to pull every piece of information out of the man?

“I don’t know”, the lawyer said with understanding eyes, “A doctor is not allowed to tell that. That is what we call privileged information”.

“Where is she?” he almost cried out.

“She’s in Boston”, Mr. Eisenstern said softly.

Jeremy let it sink in in silence. But gradually his mind took a decision. He only saw one, inescapable conclusion, so he asked the lawyer:

“Mr. Eisenstern, can you make an appointment for me with that home?”

“Are you sure?” the man wanted to know.

“I don’t know”, he replied, “I guess I just want to see her”.

“Any particular reason for that?” came the next question.

It irritated Jeremy a bit. Why all these questions? He wanted to see his biological mother, that wasn’t a big deal, was it?

“Not that I know of”, he said, “Maybe it’ll give me an answer”.

The man just nodded and uttered with a sigh:

“OK, I’ll give them a call tomorrow”.

“Thanks”, Jeremy heard himself mutter.

He found the thought somewhat amusing. As far as he knew he had only been in Boston once, at an age that he had no conscious knowledge of at the time he was born. And now he would be going back for another closely related reason. In a way it felt like closing a circle.

Just before leaving Mr. Eisenstern’s office, with the door knob already in his hand, he heard the lawyer call out:

“Jeremy, just a second, pleae?”

He looked around in surprise, not knowing what to anticipate. More bad news?

The man grinned and said:

“Welcome to the family, son!”

Jeremy started to grin as well and muttered a shy “Thank you, sir!”

 

Since the person, that Jeremy wanted to visit, was in danger of dying pretty soon, Mr. Eisenstern managed to make an appointment at the nursing home on short notice.

Only two days after his visit to the lawyer’s office Jeremy was driving to Boston. Noah was with him, not wanting his love to be alone with all the things, that no doubt had to be playing through his mind. Apart from that, it also had a purely practical advantage.

When they came closer to the city, Jeremy steered his old pick up on a parking lot, where he and Noah changed places, putting Noah at the wheel. He was the one, who knew Boston like the back of his hand, so there wouldn’t be a problem in the world to get to the nursing home.

They drove deeper and deeper in what Jeremy saw as some kind of mega-city, passing industrial areas, suburban housing neighborhoods and parks. But the more they reached the center, the more run-down and drab the neighborhoods became.

Noah looked at his passenger and with a sad smile he said:

“We’re there in about ten minutes!”

Jeremy saw the sadness in the smile, an expression which he had never seen before in Noah’s extensive range of smiles, and wondered what caused it. He would have his answer pretty soon.

They drove into a part of the city, that surpassed Jeremy’s imagination. It smelled of poverty, it had all the appearances of dehumanization. Bewildered he looked around. He saw boys, younger than he was, selling drugs to even younger kids. He noticed girls of about thirteen or fourteen, who were walking flashy up and down the street in clothes, that hardly disguised their young bodies. There were beautiful boys, clearly occupied in the same activity in clothes that revealing, that they would mean exclusion from his Newport high school.

Elder people, male and female, dressed in dirty, worn-out and often ruptured clothes, slogged the sidewalks, most of them carrying their few possessions in two carryall bags. Jeremy saw, that one of them was even barefooted. Beggars and drunks sat in porches, shielding themselves from the wind. He noticed two men, whose steeled bodies betrayed their military disposition as veterans but whose behavior clearly showed, that they had lost their dignity when society had degraded them to mentally deranged homeless stragglers. And everywhere, in each of the streets they passed, the litter was around.

“What is this?” he asked in utter amazement and disgust.

“This, sweetheart, is what you dreamed of”, Noah answered with a grim face, “This is the big city. At least for those who aren’t privileged”.

They left the street and turned right on a parking lot, that was in front of a building, that looked as if it already had deferred maintenance at the end of the Second World War. It was grey, dirty and drab without any noticeable paint over its whole frontage.

“What kind of building is this?” Jeremy asked surprised.

“This is the State nursing home for those who didn’t make it, sweetheart”, Noah said almost apologetically.

Jeremy looked at the building for a second time and softly asked:

“Are you sure?”

Noah just nodded, only to add:

“I won’t come with you. If I do that, chances are big the truck is gone when we come back. So, I’ll stay here to make sure we can still drive back. But I wish you lots of strength”.

He confirmed his wish with a tender kiss and Jeremy got out.

When he entered a hall, that was as cold and dirty as the building’s outside, he found a woman in her fifties sitting behind a counter. She was clearly not the most motivated State official because all his questions were hardly answered, as if it taxed her strength, patience and knowledge beyond endurance. Only when Jeremy threw in one of his most gorgeous, eye-blinding smiles she was willing to give him directions to the room of the doctor he had an appointment with.

When he arrived at the indicated door, which had a name shield reading “Dr. Chris Flanagan, Medical Director” he recognized the name as the one he was looking for and knocked. After a muffled “Yes” could be heard he opened the door and walked in, where he found a somewhat thick-set man in his sixties with thin grey hair and dressed in a white coat, who was staring out of the window. At hearing him coming in, the man turned around and with a harsh voice he said:

“Oh, yes…we’ve got an appointment. Are you sure you want to see her? It won’t be a pleasure to look at!”

The rude remark shocked Jeremy, no, it angered him. But he managed to control his temper and only said:

“Yes, I want to see her!”

“Very well”, the doctor said, “Is there something you want to know before we go there?”

Jeremy noticed that the harshness was gone from the man’s voice and that his tone was more kind in nature.

“Can you tell me what disease she suffers from?” Jeremy asked, “My lawyer couldn’t. Something about…eeeuhh…privileged information or something like that”.

“He’s right about that”, the doctor said, “Your mother…at least that is what I understood of it, is suffering from a rare form of dementia”.

“Alzheimer?” Jeremy asked in shock.

“No, not Alzheimer. Alzheimer is much more common and starts at higher ages. This is a rare form, that can start at relatively young ages and that is associated with brain damage. But in the end, it is as destructive as Alzheimer”.

“Is this caused by her drug abuse?” Jeremy asked.

“Possibly”, the doctor said, “We don’t know which drugs she has used. But from police records we were also able to form a picture of her…let’s call it her sexual behavior. So, it is also possible she has contracted cerebral syphilis at one time or another, which causes brain damage and that the dementia is only a complication. And it can even be a combination of the two. The only thing we know, is that she has this form of dementia, because it is impossible to find the causes”.

“Why not?” Jeremy wanted to know.

“Because we can’t communicate with her”, was the answer, “But…to be straight with you: she is in the terminal phase of the disease and we expect her to die pretty soon. So…I’ll ask you again, son: you still want to see her?”

“Yes!” Jeremy said with clear determination.

“OK,”, the doctor said, “Then let’s go there!”

After walking through some corridors, they entered a small room. In it were an old-fashioned hospital bed and a chair, that was all. In the chair sat a woman of an undeterminable age. She could have been anything between forty and eighty. Jeremy sucked in her image, although it wasn’t a favorable one. Even through the government issue nightgown she wore, it was clearly visible she looked like a skeleton, her greyish skin taunt over the bones. Her long, sand-colored hair hung unkempt from her head. She just sat, staring out of the window and she seemed to take no notice of anyone coming in. She was like a plant, vegetating on the nutrition, that someone gave her, but without any mental or emotional connection to the world around her.

“So”, Jeremy thought in shock, “This human wreck is my biological mother!”

“Can I talk to her, doctor?” he asked.

The man shrugged and answered:

“Forget it. She won’t even notice it. But if you insist on trying it, I won’t hinder you”.

Jeremy got on his knees in front of her and looked in her eyes. He had never seen such eyes. They were like those of a blind, empty and hollow, devoid of any life. The sight scared him. But for some reason he kept staring in them. And then…suddenly, an unexpected glimmer of life, a small spark of recognition flickered in these pools of desolation. A smile appeared on the woman’s face and she muttered:

“My beautiful baby boy!”

“Say that again, mom”, he whispered, but the blank, emotionless expression was back in the eyes again.

The doctor saw it happen and in what was almost an unprofessional shock he cried out:

“I’ll be damned! She recognized you!”.

Jeremy looked at him and replied confused:

“She can’t recognize me. She put me up for adoption right after I was born!”

“No, she recognized you. Do it again”, the man ordered.

“Do what?” Jeremy asked, not understanding what the man wanted.

“What you did just before she talked to you. Remember what you did!” was the reply.

“I looked in her eyes, that’s all!” Jeremy said.

“Do it again!” the doctor ordered.

Jeremy looked in the lifeless eyes for a second time. For good measure he took her hand. It felt bony and cold, but despite that he forced himself to whisper:

“Hi, mom”.

Nothing happened. Jeremy was about to give it up, but then it was there again, this miniscule sign of mental activity, that fluttering little flame of some life inside her head, the smile on her face. He heard her saying:

“My beautiful baby boy! ...You’ve got the eyes of your father!”

Then it was gone again!

“She recognized your eyes!” the doctor exclaimed, “Incredible”.

Unknowingly Jeremy looked at the man, their eyes locking.

“And now I see them”, the man said smiling, “I can imagine she remembered them. You’ve got very remarkable eyes”.

Jeremy felt uneasy at that remark, but he managed to produce a tense smile. Then he rose and said:

“I don’t think it is much use to stay here. So, I won’t waste any more of your time, doctor. Thanks for the opportunity”.

“You’re welcome, son. I hope it makes you feel better”, the man said.

“To be honest”, Jeremy replied, “I’m not that sure if it did”.

He looked at his biological mother for a last time and went out of the room.

 

Noah saw him coming and he noticed right away, that Jeremy’s face said it all: it had been rough! When Jeremy stepped in the truck’s cab he didn’t start with the ubiquitous commonplaces like “How do you feel?”, “Was it tough?”, he laid his hand on Jeremy’s and said only one single thing:

“Tell me about it!”

Jeremy told him about it, slowly in the beginning but faster and faster while talking. Noah said nothing, didn’t interrupt with a single question or remark. He just listened. Only when Jeremy told him about the shock of his mother recognizing his eyes he softly said:

“That’s funny!”, only to correct himself with a fast:

“Sorry, go on. Just tell it all!”

When Jeremy had given the whole account, Noah’s hand remained on his but his free hand grabbed the steering wheel, where it started to drum some non-descript rhythm, while his dark eyes kept staring out of the windscreen over the godforsaken surroundings, never speaking a word.

Only after a few minutes he looked at Jeremy and softly said:

“Something doesn’t fit!”

Jeremy felt his temper flare up for a second time and cried out:

“Are you suggesting that I just dreamed this all up?”

Noah shook his head with a re-assuring smile and said:

“No, I never mentioned or even suggested that. But still something doesn’t fit!”

“Then you seem to think that that woman in there, my mother, lied”, Jeremy muttered, his voice clearly giving signs, that his anger hadn’t fully subsided yet.

“I guess she is beyond lying”, Noah reasoned, “She only reacted to some very strong impulse, that was able to pop up from her damaged memory into her blanketed mind”.

He sighed and added:

“My love, you are looking in the wrong direction. This is not about lies, fancy phantasies or fake stories. This is much more complicated”.

“Then explain it to me”, Jeremy growled.

“I’ll try”, Noah said. He stroked his hand over his eyes and started:

“OK, we know your mother was a drug-addicted hooker. Now, have you ever asked yourself how many dicks she had to accept between her legs so that she could pay the daily dose she needed to make her feel better?”

Jeremy shrugged: he had no idea at all.

“Neither do I”, Noah said, “But a lot of them! And now, I have to believe that this woman gives birth to a son and that she exactly remembers which john made her pregnant after a full long nine months? Not to mention that she even remembers what kind of eyes he had? Sorry, honey, I don’t buy it!”

Jeremy thought it over. Somehow Noah had a point, but he couldn’t understand why things had gone like they had. Although he didn’t speak it out, it seemed as if his eyes betrayed his question, because Noah continued:

“So, without having any convincing and legal proof as my old man would say, this is what I think as a very likely way how things went. Apart from being a hooker your mother had something going on with your father, some kind of relationship. She loved him so much, that she wanted to have his baby and she got it. Don’t ask me about your father…it seems to me he had other plans. But she wanted that baby. Then, when you were born, she panicked. She knew she couldn’t care for you. She knew she couldn’t give you all you needed. And she knew damned well, that she couldn’t provide you with the chances for a happy life. But she wanted the best for you, no…she requested even better than the best for her baby boy! So, she made the only sensible decision she could take: she put you up for adoption. In that way she made sure that you got your chances for a better life than she had. I know it sounds melodramatic, but in a way, she sacrificed herself to give you the best you could get”.

“My God”!” Jeremy was only able to whisper. With tears in his eyes he looked at the ramshackle building, to the window where he suspected the worn-out, fragile woman in the chair to be.

“So…”, he asked softly, “I’m no accident then?”

“No, sweetheart”, Noah softly said, his hand back on Jeremy’s again, “You were a wanted baby!”

“But Noah”, Jeremy asked in confusion, “Why did she become a hooker? Why was she a drug addict?”

Noah sighed and looked out over the sad parking lot. Then he answered:

“You better turn these questions around. You saw this neighborhood today. Now, let’s assume you live here as a kid of thirteen and you feel how this decayed area has destroyed all your dreams and hopes. But since the synthetic dreams are available at each and every street corner, you just go for the dope, because it makes you feel better. It makes you dream again”.

He paused, took a deep breath and said:

“And as far as her being a hooker is concerned? When you are in any way like your mother, she must have been a very sweet, sensitive and beautiful girl. The kind of girl that the mob loves to get their claws on to make sure that the money keeps flowing. Actually, could well be they made her an addict. They do that, I’ve heard, to keep the girls and boys willing and under control. They bring them in a state, that these kids will do everything for their daily shot of dope, even getting fucked twenty times a day”.

“But you got away from it!” Jeremy objected.

A cynical smile came on Noah’s face, another first in his gamut of smiles, when he said:

“Hey, I’m a privileged boy. I was in a private high school, my father was a successful lawyer, my mom an educated woman, I was living in a big house in one of the fancy neighborhoods. And I’m damned grateful for all the chances I got. But these kids, those who grow up over here in this cesspool, they’ve got no chances, only the certainties to get addicted and to become a dealer, a hooker or a toy boy. And let’s face it, honey: if your mother would have decided to keep you, you would have been growing up here…assuming you were still alive by now!”

“But why does our government allow all this?” Jeremy cried out, “I mean, they are destroying young kids over here!”

“Because nobody cares”, Noah answered dejected, “You know, honey, this whole country always babbles about the American Dream. This here is the American Nightmare! Mind you, this is not the only neighborhood in such a sorry state. There are hundreds, maybe even thousands of them all over the country. But who wants to be reminded of a nightmare? It sure doesn’t bring you any voters when you’re a Congressman”.

Jeremy thought it over for a short time. Then he looked Noah in his eyes and with clear suspicion in his tone he asked:

“How can you be sure, that this is the way it all went?”

“I’m not sure”, Noah answered almost laconically, “But when I heard you talking, I noticed, something didn’t fit. So I thought it over, reasoned about it and this is the only logical explanation I can think of”.

Jeremy’s suspicion hadn’t diminished so he asked:

“Noah,…did you think this up to make me feel better?”

Noah shook his head fervently and answered:

“No, like I said: I’m not sure that it happened that way and I can’t prove it. But it is the only reasonable way things have gone as they did go”.

Then he bent his head towards Jeremy’s, kissed him tenderly and giggled:

“Besides, I’ve got other ways to make you feel better!”

They embraced, holding each other tight for a moment. Then Noah started the truck and said cheerfully:

“Come on, tiger. Let’s get out of this hell hole and get back to the Green Mountains”.

Without waiting for an answer, he steered the truck off the parking lot and turned left for the long ride back home.

 

Hi diary,

 

I saw my biological mother today for the first time in my life. To be honest: I might as well have not gone there. Because it was a really sad sight. Don’t judge me by what I say, since it sounds almost cold and inhuman. but in a way she wasn’t human any longer. It was some kind of empty shell, a shadow of what a real person should look like.

But although my opening sentences drip sadness and desolation, it turned out all right in a most unexpected manner. Because she recognized my eyes. No, there was no talking with her, she actually couldn’t talk any longer. But she recognized my eyes! And made that clear. It was just a matter of seconds, but somehow it turned everything upside down.

I told Noah about it and he gave me an explanation of what might have caused all this, a very reasonable and logical explanation. It led to the conclusion, that I’m not an industrial accident, as I wrote before, but that I was a wanted baby.

No, I was double wanted! I was desired by my biological mother but when she realized herself, that she would be unable to give me a good life, she gave me away for adoption. And then I was more than wanted by my real parents, this very sweet people I have lived with since then and who gave me the chances for a good life and the freedom to make errors while growing up.

I should be thanking God on my bare knees for this opportunity! For this life, far away from the sufferings of the big city jungle. Yeah, I saw those kids today...some kind of hereditary losers, branded as victims from birth on because their parents couldn’t care for them, being too poor or too drunk or too addicted. By sheer luck I avoided that fate.

I’m not claiming maturity at this moment, but somehow I feel that this day has made me grow up in some crash course mode. It was rough but effective. I even start to see, who made life difficult for me in these last years…that was me! But I have to think this through why I did it. What made me do it? Was it fear? Or…was it shame?

And then this God-sent boy comes in my life…the third person who really wants me! Wow, I’m wanted triple, diary, I really must be the lucky dog in town!

I feel somewhat ashamed about having asked Noah if he had invented his explanation only to make me feel better. It just led to another typical Noah-style answer: he had better ways of making me feel better.

And he sure has! After showering together, we made love in his room when we got back. When we were done, he giggled and said something like that it was OK, that the houses were so far apart in their street. Otherwise, the neighbors might complain with his father about us making too much noise!

Man, I’m dead tired. It was a long, strenuous but worthwhile day. So, I’m off to bed.

 

Winter was a dreary affair. Most people blamed it on the climate change, but no matter for what reasons, snowfall was negligible and skiing was impossible. Instead, it rained, it rained some more and then it rained again. And when it didn’t rain, there were “showers here and there”, by some inexplicable design only “here” and never “there”!

For Jeremy the winter became even more dreary when one day Mr. Leibnitz asked him if he wanted coffee and told him to sit down at the table in the small book store. Then the elderly man explained to him, that he had decided to sell the shop, since he felt no longer capable to run it, despite the great help Jeremy had been. Although the reasoning was totally logical, it stabbed Jeremy when the man added, that he would do his utmost best to convince a buyer of Jeremy’s qualities, but that of course he could not guarantee, that the new owner would employ him any longer. In other words: his job was in real jeopardy. And he had no immediate alternatives.

Although he felt pretty sad, Jeremy went to Noah that evening. Noah knew his lover well enough by now not to ask any questions, but one look at the boy’s face and eyes made him clear right away that something bothered him. So, as usual, he just said invitingly:

“Tell me about it!”

Jeremy told him that the book store was up for sale and that his job was in real danger.

“Mr. Leibnitz asked me, if I might be interested in buying it”, he added with rolling eyes.

“Why not?” Noah just asked.

“Come on, angel”, Jeremy laughed somewhat cynical, “Get real. When I take all my savings off the bank I won’t have enough to pay for another car”.

“Aha”, was Noah’s only reaction, made with sparkling eyes. Then the dark eyes turned dreamy and pensive and after a few minutes he said:

“Have to go down for a few minutes. Now, you just lay back, relax and enjoy the music”.

Jeremy didn’t get the drift and wanted to know what was happening, but Noah just kissed him softly on the tip of his nose and gently said:

“No questions now, tiger! Just enjoy the music. It could sooth your frayed nerves”.

Just before he left the room, the door knob already in his hand, Noah asked:

“Shall I bring us some cokes when I get back?”

“Yeah, would be great!” Jeremy replied, still not understanding what was so urgent, that his lover had to go down right away.

It took longer than just a few minutes. Actually, it was just over fifteen minutes, going towards twenty as a matter of fact, before Noah came back, two cans of coke in his hand. He gave one to Jeremy, popped his own open and with a “Cheers” he sat down on the bed, his legs crossed.

His eyes were sparkling with an intensity, that even Jeremy had never witnessed before and his smile was overwhelming. After he took a sip from his coke he said:

“Hey, tiger…I got this weird idea. Just bear with me for a while and listen up!”

Noah explained what his idea entailed, Jeremy just listened, breathless, fascinated, without interrupting, not even once! At last Noah finished talking with a:

“Well, what do you think?”

Still mighty impressed Jeremy struggled to formulate his reaction but after some time he said:

“But what about school? What about your graduation and all that?”

“We won’t have to do it right away”, Noah said, “It’ll take time to set it all up! So, after graduation is time enough”.

“And…and…” Jeremy cried out in despair, “What about the money?”

Noah’s eyes turned impenetrably mysterious when he said:

“Let me worry about that, OK? But…you didn’t answer my question. What do you think?”

“I think it is a great idea!” Jeremy cried out enthusiastically.

 

Hi diary,

 

Mr. Eisenstern gave me a call today to tell me, that my biological mother had passed away. Which is of course very kind and compassionate of him. You know, he might as well have forgotten about it because I didn’t feel a thing. You can’t cry over someone that has never been there. It isn’t even a closed book; it was a book that was never opened in the first place.

 

Summer had started again. Noah had graduated, in his case with honors, making his dad feel real proud.

Two weeks after the graduation a small group of people assembled in Main Street, just in front of a small store. Among them were the mayor and the reporter from the local gazetteer to save the occasion for prosperity.

It was in front of Mr. Leibnitz’s old book store where they stood. But the name of the former owner had vanished from the shop window and was replaced by a new name in bold lettering:

Syllables & Sounds

In books and Music

Two young boys gave pairs of scissors to a somewhat stocky woman and a dark-tanned, Jewish-looking man in the group. These two walked forward and cut a rainbow-colored ribbon, causing a round of cheering and applause among the others. People congratulated the two young boys and went in to look around and have some drinks. While passing through the door some of them noticed the rainbow flag beside it, fluttering proudly in the eastern breeze, that came from over the lake.

 

The guests were gone. Jeremy and Noah were the only ones, who were still in their brand-new shop. Jeremy leaned against the counter, Noah in his arms, looking around with eyes that betrayed his disbelief, that they had their own shop now. Oh yes, they had changed things. The table and chairs from Mr. Leibnitz’s shop were still there, but they had repainted them in somewhat flashier colors than the old-fashioned beige. It was just one of the changes. Another one was, that they had tinkered a website, so that they could sell their books, cd’s and good old-fashioned vinyl records over the internet as well. But now they just stood, having some kind of private celebration in silence.

It moved Jeremy to the extreme. This was made more than clear, when a tear of emotion rolled from his eyes. Noah picked it up immediately and asked softly:

“Why that tear, my love?”

“Because I can’t believe what is happening to me”, Jeremy replied with a slightly choked voice, “When I look back to my life I can’t imagine where I am now. Let’s face it: I was born as a castaway, the bastard son of a Boston hooker, without any chances or opportunities. Then, by some twist of fate, I end up in Newport with incredibly sweet people, who raised me. And now I stand here with the most desirable, loveable, sweet and gorgeous boy of the universe in my arms and I look around in our own shop with our own place to live above us over the shop. It is hard to comprehend, at least for me”.

Noah pushed his head on Jeremy’s chest, who started to stroke the curly black hair, causing Noah to whisper with a desiring sigh:

“I love it when you are doing that”.

But then he got serious again and said:

“How about me? I am standing in the arms of the most desirable boy I ever met, in the embrace of my own sweet tiger. And yes…in our own shop”.

“The only thing I wonder about…”, Jeremy started hesitatingly.

“What?” Noah wanted to know.

“You never told me where you got the money for all this. You always shut up about it. Hey, it won’t make any difference between us. As far as I am concerned you can have it from a bank robbery, I’ll love you anyway”.

Noah giggled, looked at some point on the wall and explained:

“I guess I can tell you now. You know, when I first saw you, at the school ground, I knew I wanted you. And I felt…no, I sensed you wanted me too. But I didn’t want you to do it for the wrong reasons, so I shut up about it”.

“Wrong reasons?” Jeremy asked, not understanding.

Noah nodded and inquired:

“Do you remember we were in Boston?”

Jeremy nodded.

“Well,” Noah explained, “I told you then I was a privileged boy compared to those kids in that neighborhood. But…it was only part of the truth. First, I didn’t want you to know about it and secondly, to be honest, with all this misery around me I felt ashamed of it. But the truth is, that I’m not only a privileged boy, but a rich and wealthy boy as well”.

“How that?” Jeremy asked surprised.

“My mother was from a wealthy Boston family”, Noah continued, “When she died it turned out, she had provided in her will for a pretty large trustee fund for me, some kind of helping hand in starting life when I reached adult age. Since dad was a lawyer, she appointed him to manage it. Now, my father has a good instinct for investments so he invested it wisely with high revenues, bringing the whole thing to rather substantial proportions. When I turned eighteen, he released the fund, having no control over it any longer, though he did advise me, I let him handle the negotiations with Mr. Leibnitz. Well, tiger, that is how I paid for all this”.

He giggled when he said:

“No, I’m not a millionaire, but I’m not without means”.

Then he got serious again, stroked Jeremy’s cheek tenderly and concluded with:

“You understand now what I mean with the wrong reasons. I wanted you to love me for who I am, not for the money”.

“But I love you for who you are, my own sweet angel”, Jeremy objected vehemently.

“I know. I know that now!”, Noah said with a beaming smile, topping it off with a kiss.

The dark eyes casted another dreamy glance in the wide yonder but then Noah suddenly said:

“That summary of your life you just gave…it is a wonderful story. Why don’t you write it down?”

“What do you mean?” Jeremy asked.

“Write a book about it”, was the matter-of-fact answer.

“Oh, come on”, Jeremy spluttered, “You can hardly call that a story. And besides…even if I write it down, no publisher will accept it for release”.

Noah shrugged and settled the matter with a:

“Then we publish it ourselves. Don’t forget we’re in the book business now, tiger!”

He embraced Jeremy tightly, kissed him full on his lips and whispered with a hot, seducing voice:

“And now, tiger…I just need you! So, wait with your writing for a while, let’s get upstairs and do our own celebration!”

Kissing and caressing they walked to the stairway. By the time they were on the upper floor most of their clothes were spread on the stairs. The little they were still wearing at that stage didn’t manage to reach the bed room as well.

 

It turned out, that Noah was dead serious about writing down Jeremy’s life story. Actually, he put pressure on his lover by simply saying very teasingly and good-humored:

“No writing, no sex!”

But apart from the fact, that Noah was unable to persevere in his threat, with the boy’s support, coaxing and help Jeremy started writing in the evening hours after their little shop had closed its door for the day. He struggled with words, sentences, underlying meanings and with his past emotions but finally he could look back with satisfaction and say to Noah:

“OK, angel, it’s ready. Now, I’ve got a few months of deferred sex, so…how about it?”

Many a reader might think:

“Shit, where can I find that story?”

Don’t bother to search for it. You’ve just read it!