My Only Escape - 39. Chapter 39

I think that Sam had either guzzled down too much caffeinated soda during lunch, or his school pizza was yummier than usual...because he was practically bouncing on the balls of his feet the whole way out of the cafeteria. Hehehe, the little twerp can be so easy to please sometimes. Adam had to practically keep him at arm's length to keep Sam from humping his leg like a frisky puppy right out of a 'last-minute' shelter. But whatever...at least it made me smile to know that we were all together like this, and I got a break from my troubled thoughts for a short while.

Unfortunately...distractions are temporary. And even though Brody's smile was enough to make my heart race for five to ten minutes post parting ways to finish off the rest of our school day...I began to feel myself fighting the inevitable crash of his absence again. Don't worry though. I seem to be getting better at this.

More than anything, I think I was just worried about what questions Mr. Raffe might have once he reads what I wrote. He's not going to just gloss over it. He'll be examining it...from top to bottom. If for no other reason than to find a whole bunch of stuff to nitpick and complain about. What will he say? How will I explain my mom not noticing right away and putting an end to the suffering? How will I explain where I got the idea for this fictitious concept? It doesn't sound too real, does it? It was supposed to just sound like a story. If it sounds too real...Mr. Raffe might tell somebody. I mean, he's a teacher...he pretty much HAS to tell somebody, doesn't he? If he suspects that there's trouble at home?

I need to breathe. I just...I've got to stop thinking about this and just...relax. Try to relax. I'm cool. Everything is going to be ok. Just block out the voices in your head and try to focus on the good stuff for a change. I want to get better. I want to be better. Get it together, Zack...

It was a bit hard to concentrate on my studies and notes for the rest of the afternoon, but it was only because I was spending an insane amount of energy and focus on keeping my sanity. The shame, the guilt, the insecurity...it kept trying its best to bubble up and seep into my thoughts through any tiny crack that it could find in my personal shield. But every time I spotted a leak...I was quick to use a few happy feelings and as much genuine confidence as I could muster to plug it up before it could get the best of me. I'm not just putting on a performance for other people this time. This is my battle. This is my fight. And since there's no real point in trying to hide the pain and the fear from myself, I might as well face it head on. I've got people depending on me to win this. I didn't want to let them down.

No...

I didn't want to let myself down.

Let's get it right this time.

I felt a certain sense of anxiety as I heard the last bell ring for the day, and I collected my books and papers to haphazardly shove into my backpack and got up to leave the room. There's still this intense urge to race towards my locker and hurry home. The pressure of it all was weighing heavy on my shoulders today as I attempted to slow down. Don't do it, Zack. There's no need to tire yourself out just to run back to the house for another beating. If he's in one of his foul moods, he's going to find a reason to hurt you whether you're on time or not. Relax. Be normal, dammit! You don't see any of these other kids scampering around as though their lives depended on them coming straight home from school, do you? If they can...if they can do it...then I...then I...

What's happening to me?

My heart began to pound like crazy, and my breath got so short that I had to stop walking and lean against the wall, pressing my hand against my chest as I fought to keep my balance. I was panicking. Oh God...why was I panicking??? I didn't even do anything! I can't breathe. Something is wrong. I'm dizzy and I...and I can''t breathe...

Those poisonous thoughts were finding their way to the very core of my being, and that self loathing voice in my head got louder. He's going to find me. He's going to know that I told. He's going to know that I'm disobeying his clear and direct demands of me. He's going to hurt me. He's REALLY going to hurt me this time!

It hit me so fast that I didn't really even have time to brace myself for the emotional impact of it all before I became weak in the knees and noticed some of the other students giving me a few weird looks as they passed me by in the hallway. I could feel myself trembling. I'm breaking out of my routine. The routine that's been keeping me safe. The one protocol that was keeping me alive. Do I need to see the nurse? Should I go back in the classroom? Maybe...if I can make it to the boy's bathroom...I can splash some water on my face and calm down. I need to beat this weird hysteria in me. I don't want it anymore. I just...I'm so sick of dealing with it.

I'm ok. I need to believe that I'm ok!

"Zack?" Came a voice from right in front of me. I don't know how I wasn't able to actually 'see' him before he spoke to me. My eyes were watering up with tears, my vision blurred, my mind bouncing around from one alarming tantrum of frenzy to another...until I heard that voice. The guiding light in my darkness. My only escape from the horror of having the walls constantly closing in on me from all sides. Brody. My Brody. "What's going on? You alright?"

I didn't want to cry. I refused. But I stood up straight for a moment, putting my arm over his shoulder to lean on him instead of the wall behind me. It felt good. So good. The fog in my head seemed to be lifting, and my heart's almost painful contractions began to settle into a natural rhythm again. "I don't...I don't think I feel so good..." I told him.

"No? Do you...want me to go get somebody, or...?"

"No. It's ok. I think, heh...I think you actually made me feel better just by being here." I grinned, and I made the mistake of looking up into those bright eyes of his, a few of his loose, dark brown, curls hanging down just low enough to add a beautiful contrast to the sunshine glow of the sparkling hazel orbs being presented to me. Had we been alone, I doubt that I could have stopped myself from kissing him right then and there. "Everything about you soothes my soul, you know that?"

Brody's eyebrows both raised up in a moment of surprise. Hehehe, you have no idea how CUTE it was!

"You're certainly in a good mood all of a sudden, hehehe!" He said, and even though he was trying to fight off the visibility of his boyish blush, the enchanting beauty of it came through, regardless. So much so that my face seemed to blush twice as hard as if it were in competition with his typical adorability factor. "You sure you're alright?" I nodded, smiling to let him know that I wasn't just making it up this time. Like I said...I'm getting better at this. I may have quite a few stumbling blocks ahead of me...but he's brought me this far. Curiosity, alone, is enough to see how far I can go from here. "Cool." He said. "Listen, I was thinking...instead of rushing home today...maybe we can chill out at my house for a while today. You know? At least until your mom gets home from work. What do you think?"

I knew what he was doing. I'm not a complete idiot. But he still made his protection of me seem sincere somehow. It was sweet. And he gave me permission to accept his invitation without once feeling violated or taken advantage of. "You're so weird." I giggled. "But...ummm...ok. I guess. For a while."

Again, I totally surprised him. Hell, I think I even surprised myself, to be honest. Don't get me wrong...I was fully aware of that chaotic 'pull' in the center of my gut, telling me that I was only going to make my punishment one hundred times worse for every second that I didn't follow my closely guarded survival instincts and allow myself to get sucked back into an existence of mental, emotional, verbal, and physical abuse. The fact that I've even waited this long to leave school has pretty much guaranteed me an ass kicking of legendary proportions. But...Brody helped me find that spark within me that made the risk worthwhile. No matter how ugly I felt, how stupid, how fucked up...he always managed to see the best in me. I just felt like it was time for me to return the favor.

"O-O-Ok...ummm...wow! Cool. I mean...COOL! Do you have all your stuff?" Brody grinned, looking almost as happy as Sam did walking out of that cafeteria earlier today.

I nodded my head, and said, "Lead the way." I smiled at him, but I began to tremble inside. I was seriously testing my boundaries today. Paying for it will just have to be a problem that I'll deal with later. Right now? Me and my boyfriend are going to hang out for a while. His love is the best weapon I've got. I need to learn how to better appreciate that.

I was shivering the whole time when we walked out of the front doors of our high school...but I couldn't tell if it was from fear or from excitement. Maybe I can site 'extreme anticipation' as a delicate balance between the two? Who knows at this point?

It didn't take Brody long to lean over and gently butt me with his shoulder though when he noticed how quiet I was. And possibly the fact that I was visibly trembling from this act of defiance. Things got especially turbulent inside my troubled heart when I found myself crossing the street where I normally turned off to hurry home. Running back to...'him'. Him and all of his torturous bullshit. I wanted to feel good about this. I wanted to feel proud to finally prove to him that he doesn't own me the way he thinks he does.

But I still felt as though I was rushing into this. I hadn't gotten in tuned with the learning curve just yet. So I felt was fear. Fear, and regret, and the anxiety of the immeasurable pain that was sure to follow my disobedience. But I'm trying. I swear to God, Brody...I'm trying as hard as I can.

While his subtle teasing was all giggles and fun at first, he sort of got a bit more serious as I looked back over my shoulder...getting further and further away from my alley, my house, my father. And I found myself fighting that intense panic all over again, even if I was doing my best to hide it from him at the time.

"Zack?"

"Yeah?"

He hesitated for a moment, almost as if it pained him to say the words out loud. "If you really think you need to go home...you know...to avoid...whatever...?" He gave me the most pitiful look. "...I mean, it's ok. I won't stop you. And I wont take any offense. K? Promise."

He was giving me an easy way out of all this. Like a true friend would. But I didn't want it. If I ever had any plans to beat this horrific part of my every day life...it might as well start with what I do today. It's not like it's going to get any easier tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the day after that. Right? "No. I think I'd much rather go to your house instead. Heh...you got any good snacks over there?" I said, playing it off as best as I could.

"Zack, I mean it. I don't want to get you in trouble." He said, putting a hand on my shoulder to stop me from walking. "We can turn around right now if you want to. The last thing that I want to do is make things any worse for you than they already are."

"I don't think they get much worse, Brody." I chuckled lightly, but he could hear the shakiness in my voice.

"Dude..."

"Don't." I said. "I need to do this. You're the only one who could make any of this worthwhile. Let's just keep going, ok? Seriously...nobody else could get me to take this chance. And I need to take it. I need to get better." Shit...I was starting to tear up, and had to stop talking for a moment to catch my breath. But as Brody reached out to lovingly take a hold of my hand to provide me with the proper support, I inhaled deeply, lifted my head, and I walked with him proudly as I left my abuser in the dust behind me. If only for a little while.

With a heavy sigh, Brody said, "I really...really...love you. You know that?"

"Hehehe, well now you're just overdoing it..."

"Can you just let me win with a compliment every now and then."

"Nope." I giggled, but as Brody rolled his eyes with a grin, I gave his hand an even tighter squeeze. "Sorry. I must sound like one of those 'broken' people your mom told you about right now."

"There's nothing 'broken' about you, cutie." He smiled, causing me to blush furiously. "Frustrating? Yes. But far from broken. I'm going to get you to love yourself the way I love you if it kills me. Hehehe!"

"Give me some time. I'm working on it." I said. "This is sort of, like...new territory for me. I like it, but it feels a little weird still." Our eyes connected, and I was startled by how much comfort I found in his boyish gaze. "Me loving you is so easy. Me loving me...? Not so much." Then I paused and said, "Do you still think we'd be good together?"

"I never doubted it for a minute." He replied. "And I never will." I couldn't even believe that I was holding his hand all out in the open like this, but it did so much for my spirit. So much for my soul. I wish I could explain what a release it was to have him know my deepest fears, my deepest desires, my darkest secrets...and love me regardless. It was a freedom that I had never experienced before. I can't even imagine getting used to this. But if it is at all possible...then it's definitely something to shoot for. Something to fight, and even die, for. Because if you can't enjoy a level of love and joy like this in your life...what else is there? You know?

We eventually made our way to his house, and once he opened the door and I took my shoes off, I made sure to send a friendly 'hello' out through the house to greet his mom. But Brody just raised an eyebrow a gently laughed at me.

"Who are you talking to?" He snickered gleefully.

"Your mom's not...she's not home?"

Brody's smile widened as he shook his head. "Nope."

"You mean...we're hear by ourselves? Like...are we..." He quickly leaned in to kiss me on my lips, mid sentence.

"I didn't say anything, 'cause I didn't want you to feel like I was pressuring you or anything, but..." This time, I was quick to lean in and shut him up with a sudden kiss. Causing both of us to laugh at one another as our bodies tingled with anticipation.

"Where is she? Your mom, I mean." I asked.

"Her and her friends from work decided to go bowling tonight after they clocked out. She texted me during lunch. So she won't be home for a couple of hours, at least."

Feeling a lump of emotion building up in the back of my throat, I hid my eyes from him and said, "Heh...bowling? Do people still do that kinda thing. Seems a bit retro."

Brody giggled, "It's basically a parent's way of saying that work is bullshit, and now she's gonna go out and drink as much as she can and still drive home safely. That's all. It's just a cover." Then he took my hand again, and he said, "I've got some frozen Tortellini and sauce to make some dinner for myself, but I'm willing to share if you want some. Or...hehehe..."

"Or?"

"Or we can get naked right now and fuck like a couple of jack rabbits. Hehehe, it's totally up to you."

"Hmmmm...exactly how good is that Tortellini?" Hahaha! If only you could have seen the look on his face when his mouth dropped open! It was sooooo cute that I just started smothering him with kisses, letting him blindly lead me back to his bedroom.

You can't imagine how good it felt to be in his arms again. His soft lips pressed to mine, his silky hair tickling my forehead, his hands rubbing up and down my backside as he used his foot to kick the bedroom door closed. Wearing clothes never felt so friggin' uncomfortable before! I wanted to get them off of me. I wanted full connection to my boyfriend. I wanted to feel the warmth and softness of his skin. I wanted to inhale the fragrance of his heated pheromones as his biological reaction to us being alone like this threw his strongest sensual passions into overdrive. I wanted to feel his hardness against my inner thighs and pelvis as it became wet with the warm nectar of arousal. I wanted it all. And so did he.

So once our lips and tongues parted for a moment, and I felt him pulling my shirt up over my head, I knew that I was only moments away from the greatest pleasure that I've ever known. Me and my sweetheart. Together. Alone. In love.

Just as it should be.