A Marching Band Story - 6. Chapter 6

Fear immediately seized Connor as the joy drained from his face. “W-w-what are y-y-you, I mean, w-w-why are y-y-you–”

A sense of protectiveness suddenly overwhelmed me, pushing me to step in between Kyle and Connor, taking charge of the situation. “Kyle, what could possibly cause you to interrupt our otherwise lovely morning?”, I asked, the venom clear in my voice.

“Oh, umm, wow, I didn’t expect to see my section leader with you, Connor,” Kyle said with stilted speech. “I, umm, well, Jarrod, I guess I need to talk to Connor alone for a minute, if that’s okay?”

I could feel the anger bubbling up inside of me. I suppose part of me was thankful for Kyle, as it was his rejection of Connor that brought me and my young lover together in the first place, but I was not going to stand for any more pain that Kyle could bring upon Connor.

“You know, I really don’t think Connor is in the mood to talk right now, Kyle, so if you could ple–”

“Jarrod, it’s okay”, Connor stated, stopping me with a confidence that surprised both of us. He deftly slipped his hand into mine, which did not go unnoticed by Kyle, and took a steadying breath. “Kyle, what is it that you need to talk to me about?”

“Well, umm, I was hoping that, maybe, we could talk about what happened yesterday, you know?”, Kyle said with a solemn look in his eyes.

Connor took another deep breath. “Yeah, okay, that’s fine, I guess. Let’s get this over with. Besides, we’re kind of blocking the entrance here. Let’s go find a table.” With that, Connor took me by the hand and led me into the dining hall, not even checking if Kyle was following behind us.

“Connor, hey, you know you don’t owe him anything, right?”, I whispered to him as we scouted for a table.

Connor slowed his pace, a look of grudging determination on his face. “I know, Jarrod, but he was—is—my best friend, and I can’t just hide from that. I came out to him first for a reason, so I am interested in hearing what he has to say.”

Before I could respond, Connor spotted and then promptly dragged me to an out-of-the-way table for three tucked in the corner of the dining hall. We sat down just as Kyle arrived, choosing the two seats opposite of the one. A cheery waitress who had watched us sit down took this as her cue to come over.

“Why hello everyone! Welcome to Banff National Park! My name is Joy, and I will be your server for brunch this fine morning. Can I get you three boys something to drink?”, Joy said with far too much energy for our current situation.

In the interest of making things the least awkward that I could, I quickly answered first. “Yes, hello, may I please have a cup of Earl Grey tea with milk and one lump of sugar?”

“Earl Grey with milk and sugar, got it”, Joy said under her breath. “What about you two?”

“I guess I’ll have a glass of orange juice”, Connor stated calmly, to which Kyle replied with a terse “same here”.

“Two OJs and an Earl Grey coming right up!” Joy quickly left to take care of our drink order, leaving us in silence.

Connor was the first to speak after a tense couple of minutes. “So, Kyle, you obviously came to me with a plan of what to say…”

“Umm, yeah, I guess I really hadn’t gotten as far as figuring out what I wanted to actually tell you”, Kyle said quickly with a nervous laugh.

“Well, we should probably start by acknowledging what happened last night, wouldn’t you agree, Kyle?”, Connor offered.

As I watched the beginning of this inevitably difficult conversation unfold, I found myself at a precipice. I knew that Connor was more than capable of handling Kyle on his own, but I was confronted with the irrational impulse to defend my boyfriend with everything I had. Kyle had dealt a mortally wounding blow to Connor by rejecting him, and I wanted Kyle to not only understand that pain but to experience it twofold. Yet here was my boyfriend, three years my junior, calmly conversing with the boy that had pushed him into my arms, feeling worthless. It was clear that Connor had much more strength than I would have in his situation, and that this whole boyfriend thing was not going to be a walk in the park.

Kyle sat in deep thought for a moment before speaking, carefully selecting his words. “Well, I guess what happened is that you came out to me Connor… and I acted like a complete idiot and a total ass.”

Wait, what did he just say?!? Did Kyle just call himself an ass?!? Is he actually going to apologize?!? These were the thoughts going through my mind as a look of utter astonishment crossed my face. I am proud to say Connor had a much better poker face than I at that moment, only allowing a small smirk to convey his emotions.

It was then that Joy decided it would be a perfect time to come back with our drinks. “Alright everyone, here are your drinks! Here are the two orange juices, and here is your Earl Grey tea. I took the liberty to give you a pot of boiling water with some extra tea bags, a small pitcher of milk, and a handful of sugar cubes so that you can make the tea to your liking! Now, who is ready for me to take their order?”

Either Joy could not read the situation well, or she was just an incredibly happy human being with the absolute worst timing I have ever seen. In the hopes of having more time to ourselves, I decided to go ahead and order.

“Excellent, I really appreciate your thoughtfulness!”, I said, feigning my enthusiasm. “I suppose we are all ready to order, so I will have the eggs benedict florentine with a side of hashbrowns.”

Joy could hardly contain her excitement. “An excellent choice young man! And for you?”, she asked staring at Connor expectantly, clearly flustering him.

“Umm, well, let me see, I guess I’ll have two eggs over easy, a side of hashbrowns, and a couple of strips of thick cut bacon”, Conor stuttered.

“I see, can’t go wrong with a classic!”, Joy exclaimed.

Before she could get the chance to startle him, Kyle quickly put in his order. “I will have the Denver omelet with a side of breakfast potatoes.”

Kyle’s abrupt order seemed to rattle Joy out of her routine, if only for a moment. “Simple… but delicious!”

Joy made a hasty retreat to start our brunch orders, leaving us once again to return to the revelation Kyle had just dropped on us.

“Connor”, Kyle began, “I want to say I’m sorry. I know the way I acted wasn’t in any way helpful for you. I guess I was just so shocked, you know? I had never realized that you were ga–”, he faltered. “That you were of that, ah, particular persuasion. I mean, you’ve never acted weird before, so I never had even imagined you being… like that. I know I messed up, and I probably hurt you in ways I can’t begin to understand…”, Kyle trailed off.

Connor took a moment to let what Kyle had just shared set in before he replied. “First, Kyle, I am gay, so it’s okay to call me that. Second, I am not weird or different from before, I’m me, the same me I’ve always been. I have always been gay, the only thing that has changed is that you know now.”

“I know that!”, Kyle retorted. “But you are different! You’ll start acting gay now, and I don’t know if I can deal with that!”

Connor took a deep breath as I anxiously awaited his response, eager to tear Kyle to shreds after what he just said. After a full minute, Connor responded. “There is no such thing as acting gay, Kyle. Sure, many gay guys tend to act a certain way because that is what makes them the most comfortable, allows them to be the most authentic version of themselves, and that is amazing. But I am going to continue to act like me, continue to goof around in band, continue to enjoy nature, and continue to like guys. Being gay is a part of me that identifies who I love, not who I am. I am sorry if you feel like you have to ‘deal’ with me, but in all honesty, it is me who has to ‘deal’ with living in a society that hates me just for who I love.”

Silence encompassed the table as I was blown away yet again by my boyfriend’s maturity. Even though he may have only just come out as gay a day ago, it was clear that he had been thinking about what that means for him for a long time. To be honest, it was all I could do to hold back my tears and stop myself from wrapping this beautiful boy in the biggest hug I could muster.

After what felt like an eternity of silence, Kyle looked up from staring at the floor, his eyes red with the stain of his tears, and stared Connor directly in the face. “I’m really not good at this, am I?”, Kyle stated forlornly, taking a moment to steady his breathing. “I was so caught up in thinking about how you being gay affected me that I completely overlooked what it means for you. I thought I didn’t have a problem with gay people, but I guess that was when it didn’t directly affect me. I’m just sorry that it took all of this to make me realize how much learning and growing I have to do. I am a selfish jerk, and I completely understand if you never even want to talk to me again.”

I was absolutely astonished by Kyle’s words. There were many different directions in which I had viewed this altercation going, but a heartfelt apology, albeit in his own “Kyle” way, didn’t even make the list. I am not so naive as to believe that everything was going to work out between Kyle and Connor. Sure, they might have been good friends before, but you don’t just bounce back after something like what Kyle did to Connor. The countless examples and stories of the excruciatingly horrifying coming-out experiences of other LGBTQIA+ community members are what continues to keep my sexuality a secret from literally everyone I know, so I wasn’t about to ignore this learned survival instinct when it came to Kyle. But instead of meeting my expectations, Kyle subverted them completely.

After another few minutes of intense silence, Connor decided to speak up. “Thank you, Kyle, for that. While I am still angry with you and nowhere near ready to forgive you for the hurt you’ve caused me, I think that maybe someday we can be friends again. I am going to need some time and space, but you are a much too important piece of my life just to leave behind.”

Kyle smiled, not with happiness, but with melancholy. “Connor… I understand. I’ll give you, and Jarrod for that matter, all the space you need. I have no problem vouching for you in front of our other friends and keeping your secret, I mean, both of your secrets safe.”

Perhaps I had misjudged Kyle in my fervor of rage and vengeance. I mean, before Connor, I viewed Kyle as a little brother. But I suppose all it takes is one brutal mistake to burn down a year’s worth of friendship to nothing but a pile of ash, a shadow of the relationship’s former glory. I don’t know if I have it in me to forgive Kyle, but I just might take a page out of my boyfriend’s book and let go of my hatred someday in the distant future.

“Umm, well, I guess I should probably go sit with the rest of my friends then”, Kyle said with a deep sigh. “Could you tell Joy to send my food over to my new table?”

For the first time throughout this whole ordeal, I felt okay to speak. “Of course, Kyle, and thank you for your discretion and understanding. While I am nowhere near as patient or as calm as Connor, I am glad we now at least have a place to start.”

With those parting words, Kyle left in search of his friends, undoubtedly preparing himself with a mask of excitement and contentment that could only be found in the resilience of a teenager. Joy had apparently noticed Kyle’s departure and instantly rushed to our table.

“Is everything okay?”, Joy asked with a fair amount of concern.

“Yes”, I replied with polite acuity, “everything is fine. Kyle just remembered that he had to speak with our band director, so if you could send his food to his new table that would be fabulous.”

Joy eyed us suspiciously for a moment. “Alright, well, your food should be coming up shortly then.”

As Joy walked away, probably to make sure our dishes were being made with just enough love and care, I turned to Connor, unsure of how to proceed. “Well, do you want to talk about what just happened?”, I asked tentatively.

“No!”, Connor responded abruptly. “Umm, well, what I mean to say is that I don’t really want to think about it for the time being, if that’s okay?”

I smiled back at my young lover, trying yet again to convey all my love and encouragement in a single expression. “Of course, Connor, we don’t have to discuss anything you don’t want to, and besides, I was looking forward to getting to know my boyfriend more anyways. So, why don’t you tell me about your family?”

Before Connor got the chance to answer, Joy arrived with our piping hot plates of freshly made brunch. Despite my annoyance, the food smelled heavenly, and I realized just how hungry that morning’s activities had made me.

“I have the eggs benedict florentine with a side of hashbrowns,” Joy said enthusiastically while setting my food down in front of me, “and two eggs over easy with a side of hashbrowns and thick cut bacon! Is there anything else I can get you two handsome fellas, perhaps a refill on that OJ?”

“That would be great!”, Connor replied with a grin, sending Joy to refill his drink.

As we began to dig into our meals, I brought us back to the topic at hand. “As I was saying, why don’t you tell me a little about your family?”

Conor waited to answer as he had just stuffed his adorable face with an enormous bite of hashbrowns. “Well”, Connor managed with his mouth still half full, “there really isn’t much to tell. I am an only child with two great parents. My dad is the one who supports me in all of my scouting stuff, which is really cool, but I guess I am closest with my mom.” Connor paused for a moment, looking down with sudden bitterness. “I mean, my mom and I are close as of right now. I guess my family hasn’t ever outright said anything homophobic, but there are always these little comments, microaggressions I guess, and my mom is the worst between the two of them. Whenever she sees a gay guy on TV or a gender non-conforming individual in public she always has to point it out. She constantly talks about how she is so confused about why anyone would like someone of the same gender as if it’s a completely alien idea. She is generally supportive of all people and would never be explicitly homophobic to anyone, but I fear what she might feel if she knew it could be found within her own home, you know. My dad is much more chill about it, so it’s my mom that causes me the most anxiety…”, Connor trailed off.

“Hey, I get it”, I said, taking Connor’s hand in mine. “My family isn’t exactly the same way, but you can bet that I have interacted with similar people at church and at school. I am fortunate enough to have a pretty accepting family, but even then the fear of the unknown keeps me from coming out to them. I know that my mom and dad would love me for who I am, but there’s always this little voice in the back of my head constantly reminding me that the worst is still possible. The thing about being gay is that no two journeys are the same and only you get to decide how that journey unfolds. I might come out to my parents tomorrow, or in ten years from now, or never, but it is ultimately my choice. It all depends on when I am ready, and I and I alone will know when that is exactly.”

Connor squeezed my hand as a small trickle of tears fell from his face, staining the tablecloth. “How is it that you always know exactly what to say to make me feel better?”

“It’s not magic”, I said with a grin, “it’s just that I have been dealing with all of this for a long time and have learned a thing or two.”

Connor smirked at me, the last traces of tears leaving his face. “Well, I suppose I should be thankful to have such an experienced boyfriend then.”

That got us both chuckling, and after a good couple of minutes of laughter, we were feeling a lot better. The brunch turned out to be lovely with our meals cooked to perfection, and I must admit that my tea was rather excellent. We continued to chat about nothing in particular, and soon our plates were empty. We began to get ready to explore the mountain trails, but before we left the dining hall Joy stopped us for a conversation.

“I’m not usually this forward with my customers”, Joy said hesitantly, “but I wanted to say just how adorable of a couple you two are. I’m not sure what was happening with that other young man, but you two clearly handled a difficult situation with poise and grace. I’ve waited on my fair share of young people in love, enough to know that what you two have is something special.”

I was absolutely floored. Maybe I had let my judgments get out of hand. I was so ready to write Joy off as a bubbly, happy-go-lucky waitress with nothing of substance to say when really she had been aware of what was happening the whole time.

It took me several moments to regain my composure. “Why, thank you, Joy, you have no idea what that means to us.”

“Of course, my pleasure. And enjoy the rest of Banff National Park!”

Connor and I exited the dining hall and began to walk around the small mountainside center. Besides the dining hall, the building consisted mainly of the gondola housing, a chic gift shop with Banff-themed everything, and numerous large windows from which to view the majestic landscapes. After a quick bathroom break, Connor and I decided to skip right away to the outside trails, eager to steal away from the watchful eyes of our peers.

There were many paths before us, so we tried our best to pick the one that seemed the least traveled. Connor and I finally settled on an out-of-the-way winding trail and began our journey into the mountainside. This trail happened to have many offshoots, so we began to carefully select the least used and most secluded routes until we were completely alone.

We found ourselves transported to an ethereal world of natural beauty. The scent of pine was strong on the cool mountain breeze. The sound of the birds twittering combined with the gentle trickling of streams and babbling of brooks created a symphony that lulled us into a sense of contentment and security. We walked hand in hand, trying to soak up as much tranquility as we could.

After what felt like an eternity of peace, we found ourselves at what felt like the most isolated place in all the world. There was a sizable ledge that jutted out from the side of the mountain where a giant boulder had been laid to rest, on top of which we could see the entirety of the mountain range. Above us was a masterpiece of sky painted with the most otherworldly shades of blue. It was here that we decided to take a rest, simply enjoying each other’s company.

Soon, Connor decided to break the silence as we sat perched atop the boulder. “Hey Jarrod, I know I kind of snapped at you earlier, and I want to apologize for that.”

“Hey hey, it’s alright,” I quickly replied with assurance in my voice. “Like I said, we didn’t have to talk about anything you didn’t want to, and clearly the whole thing with Kyle made you upset. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I know”, Connor responded, “but I guess I was just so full of raw emotion that I really just wanted to talk about anything else.”

I tried to convey my understanding in my smile. “Connor, I get it, it’s okay.”

Connor then took a moment to look off into the horizon before speaking again. “But Jarrod, I think we should talk about it now.”

“Are you sure?”, I asked, slightly taken aback by his request.

“Yeah, Jarrod, I’m sure.”

“Well, umm, where do you want to start?”

Connor took another moment to think, and then responded. “Since you were the one to originally ask, do you have any questions?”

“I mean, I suppose I am just a little in awe of how you can be so calm, so patient, so… forgiving. Kyle wrecked you, he really fucked you up, and you are just willing to forget all of that and let it go?”

Connor grinned, a distant look in his eyes. “I know it must seem crazy, what I did, but Kyle is my best friend. We have been through practically everything together. He has been there for me countless times, and I just am not ready to let him go. I know he said some… rather harmful things, but that doesn’t really matter to me I guess.”

It was now my turn to take a moment to gather my thoughts as I could feel all the anger and rage coming back. “Connor, I understand that he is your friend, but what he said to you, did to you, is unacceptable. I mean, sure he may have fumbled some of his words, but he made it seem as if it were a burden for him to be your friend just because you are gay. In my experience, it’s that type of people you need to distance yourself from, otherwise it will only bring you a lot of pain and anguish.”

Connor’s brow furrowed as he tried to explain himself. “Jarrod, I know you’re older than me and have dealt with all of these feelings for a little bit longer, and I am sure you have seen people get hurt and have a good reason for all of this, but Kyle is not irredeemable. Sure, Kyle has a lot of learning to do, but it looks like he genuinely wants to learn.”

“But Connor”, I interrupted, “that is not your job! Just because you are gay doesn’t mean you have the responsibility to educate everyone about you. Trust me, doing that will get exhausting really fast.”

“I know that’s not my responsibility, Jarrod, it’s just that he’s my friend, and I just can’t envision a world without him in it, at least right now.”

I took a couple of deep breaths, trying to figure out a way to move forward. “Alright Connor, I understand that Kyle’s friendship is important to you. Well, more than important to you, it's essential to your very existence. I get that, I have friends like that too, and hopefully someday you’ll be like that for me, but is it worth it if this friend doesn’t recognize our whole authentic self?!?”

“Doesn’t recognize me yet”, Connor responded adamantly. “I know you think it’s fruitless, but I want to try, and if Kyle is willing to try too, then I don’t see a problem. I know this may be naive. It could just be my stupid inexperience getting in the way of seeing the bigger picture here, but like you said, it’s my journey, my decision to make. So, can you just, like, support me?”

It was then that I realized I had made a fool of myself. I had been so worried about Connor to the point where I didn’t care about what he wanted. Here I am on the cusp of adulthood, fed up with adults believing they know what’s best for me, and yet here I was telling Connor what I thought was best for him. I am such a hypocrite.

“Connor”, I said with tears in my eyes, “I don’t even know why I am getting emotional, it’s not like this is even a big fight, but I am so sorry. I went into this state of protectiveness that blinded me to your wants and needs. All I can see when I look at Kyle is you, broken and in tears, sobbing in my arms, and I let that drive me instead of actually listening to you. I have never been in a relationship before, so I don’t have a ton of experience. I’ve heard of the honeymoon phase, so I know this is going to get a lot harder than it has been for these past, what, 18 hours? But I realize that I am in the wrong, and I am sorry.”

Connor got up, placed himself in my lap, and wiped the tears from my eyes. “It’s okay Jarrod, it's okay. I know you are just watching out for me and have my best interests at heart. I just really care about Kyle, and he has a story too that makes him a lot more complex than what is on the surface. He may be a bit bullheaded, but he deserves my understanding, and ultimately my forgiveness. It’s not going to be as easy as me talking to him tomorrow, but I still want to try, and I appreciate your understanding.”

“Of course, babe, I will support you no matter what. Even if you want to jump off a bridge, as long as you explain to me why, I’ll be jumping off right behind you.”

Connor then wrapped his arms around my neck, and for the first time since that morning, we kissed. It was different than the other times. Before, when we made out, it was something of lust, something out of carnal necessity. But now, we kissed each other to feel closer, to feel together, to feel like one. It was brief, but it is something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. We stayed like that for a while as we watched the natural world go about its day, oblivious to the cares and worries of two young lovers.

Soon clouds started to gather, and we decided it would be best to make our way back lest we get rained on. We made it halfway down the trails when the torrential downpour began, and we made a run for the center. Once we arrived in the safety of the shelter, it appeared that everyone else had been caught in the rain and had started to make their way over to the gondolas. We still had a little bit of time left, so I suggested to Connor that we check out the gift shop as I had promised my mom that I would get her a souvenir. It was nothing special with your typical collection of sweatshirts, t-shirts, mugs, snow globes, the whole nine yards. I settled on a bright pink Banff sweatshirt for my mom, but as I headed over to the checkout I noticed Connor stopped at one of the displays. As I approached my boyfriend, I noticed that this particular display had been outfitted with Pride-themed apparel and memorabilia. Apparently, Pride week had been a recent event for Banff, and they clearly had some items left over. I noticed that Connor was shaking, and I instinctively knew that it was not because of the cold dampness that had seeped into his clothes.

“Hey, is everything okay?”. I asked tentatively.

“J-J-Jarrod, yeah, I just never actually have bought something, you know, P-Pride related. I just never mustered the courage to do that.”

I gave my young lover another comforting glance. “I understand. It can be a big step for people to buy things that affirm them, and only you can take that step when you are ready. And it doesn’t have to be something big. I know a lot of people have this stereotype of gay guys who were rainbow clothing 24/7. There are some people like that, and that is totally cool, but that really isn’t me. Here.”

I then pulled out my lanyard and showed him a cleverly concealed keychain that just happened to be rainbow-colored. “See, this is something people rarely look at, but I keep it on me to serve as a sign of my pride in my sexuality.”

Connor stood a moment in deep thought, and then he reached for a very simple pin. “Umm, something that I haven’t talked about with you, Jarrod, is that I have a relatively large pin collection. My family likes to travel a lot, so anywhere I go I make sure to get a pin to remember the experience. I think this will make a good addition.”

“That sounds awesome”, I said, grinning from ear to ear. “Now, let’s go checkout!”

As we made our way over to the only cashier, I immediately noticed him staring at both me and Connor. He was a very good-looking young man, maybe 19 or 20, with thick red curls and verdant green eyes. He was absolutely gorgeous, and I could tell he was trying to catch both of our eyes. When it was finally our turn to be cashed out, I smiled at him as I paid for my sweatshirt. Then Connor placed his pin on the counter, much to the cashier’s delight.

The boy’s eyes grew wide. “So,” he said with suave voice, “I like your choice of pin there, little man.”

“Oh, uh, well, you see, it’s just, I thought I would, well, umm—”, Connor stammered.

“It’s his first, ah, pin”, I quickly interjected.

The cashier smiled slyly. “Oh, I see, well I am happy to welcome you to the community! So, I am assuming you two are together?”

Connor, again completely flustered, stuttered, “oh, uh, yeah, I mean, we just recently—”

“Yes, we are boyfriends”, I interjected once more while taking Connor’s hand in mine.

“You’re tourists, right?”, the cashier asked, directing the question to me.

“Yeah, this is actually our only day in Banff.”

An expression of disappointment crossed the cashier’s face. “Damn, I was wondering if you were willing to take on a third, if you know what I mean, to have some fun at your hotel room.”

At that point, Connor just about entered shock. “While I appreciate the offer”, I quickly replied, “we aren’t really in an open relationship.”

“I understand, but I gotta say, you two are the finest guys to have come through here for the entire summer. You are very lucky to have each other.” With that, the cashier handed Connor his pin and we promptly exited the shop.

“What the hell was that?!?”, Connor asked after regaining his composure.

“That was another gay guy hitting on us”, I responded with a smirk.

Connor wore a face of complete disbelief. “Wait, both of us, seriously?”

“As I have told you before, you are just as good looking as I am.”

“Huh, I guess I never realized that would happen.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Yeah, when you start to put yourself out there it’s amazing the people you meet.”

Connor looked back at me with love in his eyes. “Like you?”

“Yeah, like me.”

We then joined the line of soaking teenagers waiting to enter a gondola to return to the security of the buses. Again, by some miracle, when it was our turn we ended up with a gondola all to ourselves. As the doors closed behind us and the engine started to rumble, we held onto each other in perfect bliss.