In a Stupor - 1. Chapter 1 - In a Stupor

It was graduation day and I’d just earned my get out of jail card from high school. After I attended the graduation ceremony with the rest of my class, my parents threw me a graduation party. I stayed at the party for quite a while as I mingled with relatives and friends, and I received quite a few graduation presents as well. Eventually, I grew tired of the party and decided to attend some of the other graduation parties, hoping something more exciting might be going on there than was taking place here. I explained to my parents what I was going to do, got the key to my mom’s car, and prepared to set out so I could attend a few of the parties of my friends and others I knew.

Before I left the house, however, I received a call from my best friend, Caleb Ballinger.

“What’s up, Coop? Is your party still going strong?” Maybe I should explain something before moving on. My name in Cooper Trottier, but my friends all call me Coop.

“Nah, it’s starting to die down now, so I’m just about ready to head out.”

“Where ya going?”

“I thought I’d check out some of the other parties.”

“Great! Will you pick me up so I can tag along?”

“You left my party early and now you want me to pick you up so you can go to other parties?”

“Yeah, but I told you I had to go to my cousin’s graduation party in a different school district or my parents probably wouldn’t let me do anything for the rest of the summer.”

“Ok, then I’ll pick you up in a few.”

I’d met Caleb in middle school and we’d hit it off almost immediately. We were a lot alike in some ways and completely different in others, so we helped to balance one another out in the long run. We liked the same types of music, as well as the same performers, and we also enjoyed a lot of the same movies. However, I liked nearly all types of sports, but Caleb was only interested in soccer. I was also the wild one and liked to take risks, while Caleb was shy and more reserved. He kept me from getting into trouble quite a few times, and I helped to pull him out of his shell a bit, and that’s why I said we helped to balance one another.

The first couple of parties we went to were pretty tame and not all that different from the one that I’d left at my house, but Caleb wanted to stay at those places a little longer. He said there were people there he wanted to chat with, so I gave in and we ended staying an extra hour at each of those parties before I dragged him away. Eventually, we arrived at a party that seemed a little more fun.

This party was being held by one of my risk-taking buddies, Ryder Squires. We’d done a bunch of crazy things together, starting with a stunt we pulled in our freshman year. We snuck away from the high school after our first period class and walked several miles to get to his place, since we knew there was no one home. We spent the day drinking beer and watching porn before anyone else showed up, but we’d stopped drinking beer after lunch, so the buzz was beginning to wear off. We ended up chewing several sticks of Big Red cinnamon gum before his parents returned home from work, and then I walked to my house to eat with my family.

Ryder was also my 420 buddy and we’d smoked quite a few joints together over the years. We’d also shared the same sexual partner on different occasions, and that’s how I lost my virginity, so you might be able to guess why Caleb didn’t like me hanging out with Ryder. Caleb wasn’t happy when he discovered that I was heading over to Ryder’s party and he tried to talk me out of going there, but I knew Ryder’s party would be a lot more fun than the other ones we’d been to so far.

One of the first things I noticed when we arrived, even before I’d said hello to Ryder, was that there was a keg of beer for the ‘adults’, and it allowed them to indulge while keeping an eye on their kids. There was also a table set up with multiple bottles of liquor so the ‘adults’ could make their own mixed drinks as well. As soon as Ryder saw me, his face lit up and he hurried over to say ‘hi’, and then he shared a bit of good news.

“You got here just in time. My mom and dad just led the parents that are still here into the house so they could get away from the bugs. As soon as it began getting dark, the other parents started complaining that the solar lights were attracting a bunch of annoying bugs and they were getting bit. Now that they’re all inside, the rest of us will be able to fill one of the blue plastic cups with beer and start having a little fun. I’m sure the rest of the gang will do the same thing, once they see what we’re doing.”

“Sounds good to me,” I agreed, but Caleb had a different take on the situation.

“Grab a cup and fill it up,” I told him.

“I don’t think I should.”

“Why not, we’re all going to do it?”

“I know, but I never drank beer before.”

“Come on, everyone has beer every once in a while. Don’t be such a wuss.”

“Can’t I just put some 7-Up or ginger ale in a cup instead? Ryder or the other kids won’t be able to tell what I’m drinking, and I see they’ve got lots of soda here too.”

“Yes, it’s probably to use for the mixed drinks. Come on, loosen up a bit and let your hair down.”

I knew Caleb didn’t want to do this, but I finally talked him into it, but he only sipped his beer, while the rest of us drank ours much faster.

“How can you drink this stuff?” Caleb whispered to me. “It tastes awful.”

“You’ll get used to it, and after a while you won’t even notice the taste any longer,” I told him. “But keep drinking so you don’t look out of place.”

Caleb continued sipping his beer, and by the time he finally finished his first cup, I had downed three. That’s when Ryder made his next suggestion. Most of the other kids our age had gone by now, many of them with their parents, but Ryder’s parents and a few of his other relatives were still in the house.

“Let’s start fixing ourselves a mixed drink,” Ryder suggested. “It doesn’t look like my parents are going to put this stuff away tonight, so we might as well take advantage of it.”

“Ok, it sounds good to me,” I agreed, and then I turned to Caleb.

“What type of mixed drink do you want?”

“None! I’ve never had any of that stuff before either and I think I’m getting drunk.”

“You think you’re getting drunk after one beer?”

“Yes, because my nose is starting to feel numb.”

“Nah, that’s natural and you’re fine. Look, I’ll make us both a drink, but I won’t put as much liquor in yours. Ok?”

“No, it’s not ok, but I know you’re not going to give up until I drink that too.”

“Yeah, but it won’t be very strong. I promise. It will be mostly soda.”

I only put half as much Jack Daniels in his cup before I added Coca Cola to each one, and then I carried it over to him.

“Here’s a Jack and Coke for you, but yours is mostly Coke.”

“I hope so,” he said while looking at me skeptically.

He must not have minded the Jack Daniels mixed with Coke, since he drank it down a lot faster than he’d drunk the beer, so I fixed us both another one, but this time I added a little more Jack to his cup. We did this a few more times before we decided to call it a night, but Ryder didn’t want us to leave.

“You’d better stay here tonight, because I don’t want you driving home drunk. If you do, you might have an accident and get killed, or you could get stopped by the cops and lose your license.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right, but Caleb is riding with me.”

“That’s ok and both of you can stay here. We’ll just sleep in the family room, because there’s more room there than in my bedroom.”

“Ok, that sounds good to me.”

“I’m nottt feeling very gooood,” Caleb slurred.

“Yeah, that happens the first time, but you’ll be fine. Come on, we’re going to stay here tonight.”

“Then I shhhould call hooome.”

“Not talking like that you shouldn’t. We’ll just make up some excuse about the car. I’ve got it, we’ll say the battery died because I left the CD playing so we’d have some music while we were here and it killed the battery. There was also no one here with jumper cables, so we had to wait until we could get someone to help us the next day.”

“K, thaaat might wooork.”

We then followed Ryder into the house, well not exactly. I had to help Caleb and keep him upright. I had one arm around his back and I held onto his wrist with the other.

“Damn, your skin is cold and all wet. Did you spill your drinks or fall into a puddle?”

“Nahhh, I guesss I’m just sweatinggg.”

I tried to keep up with Ryder as he led us to the family room, and then he went to get a pillow and a blanket for each of us to use in case it cooled down even more before morning. Then, we all fell asleep.

Well, I’m not sure if I fell asleep or just passed out, but when we woke up the next morning, Ryder and I got up and started walking around, but Caleb still appeared to be sleeping. Since I knew we should be leaving soon, I went over and shook him.

“Come on, Caleb. It’s time to go home.”

Unfortunately, he didn’t wake up and I began to smell vomit. I looked at Caleb more closely and his lips appeared to be blue.

“Ryder, call 9-1-1. I think we’re going to need the EMTs for Caleb.”

Ryder did as I requested, and then he went to get his dad. However, the ambulance showed up before his father arrived, so while the EMTs were working on Caleb, Ryder’s dad pulled Ryder and me aside to chat.

“Were you boys drinking last night?” he asked. Ryder didn’t say anything, so I thought I should.

“Yeah, we had a few drinks,” I confessed. “We’d just graduated from high school, so we were celebrating.”

“I knew I should have brought the booze inside and taken the tap off the keg. Are you two sure you’re ok, because the other boy doesn’t appear to be in very good shape?”

“Yeah, we’re fine,” Ryder answered after looking over at me first. “We didn’t really drink that much.”

“You shouldn’t have been drinking at all, but it seems as if this boy had more to drink than either of you.”

“No, he didn’t. I’m sure of that,” I responded.

“We’ll, something went terribly wrong.”

Just as Ryder’s dad said that, one of the EMTs came out to speak with us.

“Was that boy drinking last night?” he asked.

“Yes, he was. We snuck some of the booze and had a few drinks to celebrate graduating from High School,” I answered.

“It appears that sometime during the night he vomited, and since he was so drunk he ended up choking on it. He asphyxiated and I don’t know how long he’s been without oxygen, but my partner is still trying to revive him. He may be suffering from alcohol poisoning as well.”

“He said he’d never drank alcohol before, so would that have had any effect on him?”

“It depends. Did he have anything to eat before he started drnking?”

“I’m not sure. I know he ate something at my graduation party, but that was several hours before we got here, and I didn’t see him eat anything at the other parties we stopped at.”

“That could have had a grave effect on the situation.”

“I wish you hadn’t used that word.”

“What word?”

“Grave.”

“Then I guess I should warn you that when I left my partner working on him, there was very little hope of bringing your friend around. We suspect he had been deprived of oxygen for much too long and probably won’t survive, and even if he does pull through, he’ll most likely suffer from severe brain damage.”

My heart stopped beating and it dropped to my feet. I felt responsible for whatever happens to Caleb, since I pressured him into drinking, so this was totally my fault. Caleb didn’t want to drink, but I talked him into it and even gave him drinks that were stronger than I said I would, and now he was suffering because of it.

I was still thinking about this when the other EMT came to join us, and I saw him shake his head at his partner when he walked into the room. I knew instantly what it meant.

“He’s gone, isn’t he?” I shrieked.

“I’m afraid you’re right, so I’ll need you to give me the young man’s name and tell me how I can notify his parents. The police should be arriving here soon.”

I knew I was going to be in trouble, but I’d also managed to involve Ryder and his parents as well, so I tried to talk to Ryder about it before the cops got here.

“I’ll do all I can to protect your parents, because it wasn’t their fault, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect you.”

“Don’t worry about me. Just tell the cops that I snuck the Jack Daniels off the table so we could make drinks. I’m underage and can handle the charges better than my mom and dad.”

“Ok, but I’ll insist that I was the one who talked Caleb into drinking with us and made his drinks.”

I’d barely finished speaking when the doorbell rang and Ryder’s dad let the police into the house. There were two of them, so one took Ryder’s mom and dad into the living room to be interviewed, while the other cop was planning to speak with Ryder and me in the family room. He interviewed us one at a time and had the other one wait in the kitchen while he was doing it, and then we traded places when the interview was completed. I assumed the other cop did something similar with Ryder’s parents.

After they finished interviewing all of us, the cops talked it over in private for a few minutes before they made a decision. In the end, they decided that Ryder’s parents would be charged with supplying alcohol to minors, since they’d left it out where we could get into it, coupled with contributing to the delinquency of a minor. They were also charged with involuntary manslaughter in Caleb’s death

Ryan and I were charged with misdemeanor underage drinking and involuntary manslaughter in Caleb’s death as well, and we were all arrested and taken to jail. When we went to our arraignment later, we were all released on our own recognizance until our trials, since the judge didn’t see any of us as hardened criminals or likely to flee the jurisdiction of the court. My parents had also been called, so after the arraignment I rode home with them and had to listen to their lectures.

I was hesitant about going to the calling hours for Caleb a couple of days later, since I wasn’t sure how his parents were going to react when they saw me or how I was going to react to seeing them. No matter what it was that I might have to face or how bad it got, I knew that I deserved whatever happened. With that in mind, I showered, dressed, and asked my parents for a ride so I could get there.

My mom and dad not only gave me a ride to the funeral home, but they accompanied me through the entire experience as well. As we entered the room where they were showing Caleb’s body, I spotted his parents standing at the far end of Caleb’s casket and speaking with a few of the other callers. There were quite a few of them that had stopped to pay their respects, so we got in line.

As I passed the casket, I looked down at Caleb and he appeared about the same as he always did, although I hadn’t seen him wearing a suit very often before this. I instinctively reached my hand out and placed it over his hands, which had been placed on top of each other, just above his waist. I was immediately surprised by how cold they felt and it reminded me of when I was walking him into Ryder’s house that night. I’d been to other calling hours and funerals before, but Caleb’s body was the first one I’d actually touched.

When I moved away from the casket, I walked over to speak with his parents. I could tell that his mom had been crying, which made it ever harder for me to face her, even though she wasn’t crying at the moment. I was just about to speak when Caleb’s mom spoke first.

“Cooper, thank you so much for coming today. Caleb loved you like a brother and I’m so grateful he had you in his life. I just don’t know what made him drink that night, because as far as we know he never drank alcohol before then. I guess he just got carried away after attending all of the different parties.”

I didn’t know how she could even speak, let alone seem so normal while coping with her grief, but I wasn’t able to look her in the eye after she said that. I merely glanced down at the floor as I spoke.

“I think it was my fault. He was with me that night and I wanted to have a couple of drinks to celebrate our graduation. He didn’t want to drink at first, but obviously he felt pressured by me into doing the same thing.”

“Is that why he didn’t come home that night?” his father asked.

“Yes, I didn’t want to drive after drinking because I was afraid of having an accident, so Ryder said we could stay at his house. I’m sooo sorry and I feel sooo guilty, and I’m going to miss him sooo much.” As I was saying this, tears began streaming down my cheeks.

“It’s not entirely your fault,” he father responded. “He had his own mind and could have refused and just walked away or just said no.”

“But I told him to loosen up and have some fun.”

“That may have influenced his decision, but he knew how to stand up to peer pressure. We’d talked about it many times.”

“And we can tell you’re sorry and that you’ll miss him too,” his mom added as tears began rolling down her cheeks. “I’m just wondering why neither you nor Ryder knew what was happening to him.”

“We were all sleeping at the time and didn’t hear anything. The EMTs said he vomited and then choked on it so he couldn’t breathe. It wasn’t like he was thrashing around or making a lot of noise when it happened. He was just sleeping on his back.”

“Yes, that’s what we were told as well,” his father confirmed.

“I’m really so sorry and I wish it could have been me, instead of him,” I said as I gave his mother a hug. After that, I shook his dad’s hand before I moved on to let my parents have their turn to speak with them.

It seemed as if everyone in the funeral home was staring at me the entire time, since they’d probably all heard that I was with Caleb when it happened. I wanted to run out of there and hide, but I knew I had to wait for my parents, so I summoned up all of my resolve and willpower to wait until they finished speaking with Caleb’s mom and dad. I could hardly wait until they started walking toward me and they were ready to return home.

My parents attended the funeral service with me as well, and they also drove me to the cemetery for the graveside service. Once again, I spoke to Caleb’s parents and apologized to them, and then I rode home with my mom and dad when the service ended.

I spent the entire summer thinking of Caleb and blaming myself for what had happened. I also wondered why I hadn’t listened to him and been there for him when he needed me the most. He saved me from getting in trouble before and I ended up leading him to his death.

I had my parents contact the college I was supposed to attend that fall so they could explain that my best friend had died and I wouldn’t be attending until the following year. My parents didn’t mention the trial or that I’d been charged, so I’m sure the person they spoke with was confused about why I was going to wait an entire year before I started. In the end, however, they agreed to hold a spot open for me the following fall.

When it was time for Ryder, his parents, and me to go to court, we all opted for a bench trial, instead of going in front of a jury. When we appeared before the judge, it worked out fairly well for us. Ryder’s parents weren’t given any jail time, because the judge didn’t feel they had actually provided us with the alcohol or intentionally left it out knowing we’d get into it. Instead, they were each placed on probation for five years and had to pay a hefty fine, as well as doing community service working with youth groups and telling them about what had happened. The charge of involuntary manslaughter was dismissed, since Caleb or I hadn’t received an invitation to Ryder’s graduation party and Ryder’s parents didn’t even know we were there. They’d already gone inside for the night before we arrived.

A different judge sentenced Ryder and me to do community service at a youth facility, as well as mandatory attendance at Teen-Anon meetings for a minimum of four years. Teen-Anon is like Alcoholics Anonymous for Teenagers, and the judge felt we needed to attend the meetings due to our apparent drinking problems. Our driver’s licenses were also suspended for a year and we both have to pay substantial fines. This meant all the money I had received for my graduation, plus a little more, would be needed to pay the fine.

Ryder and I were also given a three-year suspended sentence on the involuntary manslaughter charge. However, we’d have to serve the three years in jail if we didn’t fulfill all of the terms of our sentences on the other charges, but that wasn’t the worst punishment of all. I’d been responsible for the death of my best friend and that would haunt me for the rest of my life.

From then on, the only time I left the house was when I had to fulfill my community service obligation or attend a Teen-Anon meeting. My mom or dad would have to drive me there and drop me off, and then they’d have to return to pick me up again when I was done, seeing I no longer had a license. It was like I was in middle school again, but I had no one to blame but myself.

As fall approached, I thought about Caleb even more, because each year we would debate whether American or European football had the right to use that name. Caleb always stated that soccer had the better claim to the term, because soccer players actually used their feet to play the game and only a few of the American football players did. I would counter that American Football starts with a kickoff, and they have another kickoff after every score, and they usually kick the extra point after a score. In addition to that, they punt the football with their foot on the fourth down if they hadn’t made a first down, and when football was first invented, they also used the drop kick to score. No matter how many times we did this, Caleb would always claim he was right.

Once school started, I would think about what Caleb and I used to do during the school year, and that got me thinking about how I was going to handle it with him not being here during the holidays. As the trees started to lose their leaves and the temperature began to drop, I remembered other things that we used to do. I thought about how we would go to the store and buy a bunch of donuts before going to one of our houses and making hot chocolate to go with them, and then we’d pig out. There were just so many memories of things we used to do together, and each one would remind me about what I’d done when I talked him into having a few drinks.

Shortly after I woke up one morning, my phone rang. When I glanced at it to see who was calling, it showed on the display that Caleb was calling. I answered immediately.

“Who is this and why do you have Caleb’s phone?” I demanded, but no one responded and the caller didn’t end the call.

I knew Caleb’s parents had removed Caleb’s phone from their service provider, so I wondered how someone else had gotten Caleb’s phone number and knew to call me.

“Your sick joke isn’t funny,” I screamed, and then I disconnected the call.

I was wondering if the person was going to call back, but I received a text message instead.

‘I died and it’s all ur fault.’

‘Don’t deny it. U took me to Ryder’s party.

‘U made me drink and I didn’t want to do it, but you insisted.’

‘I shouldn’t be dead!’

‘Who the hell was sending me these messages on Caleb’s old phone,’ I thought, and then I noticed the date on the display – Oct. 31. It was Halloween, although it was still early in the day. Hell, it wasn’t even 10:00 yet, so there was still a long way to go. ‘Does this mean it could possibly be Caleb?’ I wondered, and then I decided to type a response just in case it was.

‘I’m sorry. I didn’t know what was going to happen.’

‘I just wanted you to have some fun and try something new.’

‘I didn’t think it would hurt you, especially not kill you.’

‘I’m dead and ur to blame. I h8 u.’

‘Don’t say you hate me. I didn’t mean for it to happen.’

‘I would have traded places with you, if I could.’

‘U knew I didn’t drink and it might harm me.’

‘No, I didn’t. I just wanted you to have fun, not be harmed.’

‘That’s why I didn’t drive us home later.’

‘I didn’t want to have an accident and you could possibly get hurt.’

‘I didn’t get hurt. I died.’

‘I know and I’m sorry. I wish I could change what happened.’

He didn’t respond right away, so I waited to see if he was going to reply. Eventually, he did.

‘You can’t change what happened, but maybe I can.’

“Does that mean you’re going to kill me?”

“No, but maybe I can take over your body

To say the least, I was surprised by his comment, and then I thought about it. It hurts too much knowing I was responsible for his death, so possibly it would solve both of our problems.

‘I’ll let you do it, if you want, but I don’t think it will help your parents.’

‘Maybe not, but it will help me. I won’t be dead.’

‘Ok, but you’ll have to go thru the rest of your life as me.’

You may think I was crazy for even considering this, but I’ve felt so guilty that I’ve often wished I could have traded places with him. The alcohol probably didn’t affect Ryder and me as badly because we’d drunk alcohol plenty of times before, and that’s also why I shouldn’t have pushed Caleb into drinking.

I actually waited for it to happen, for him to take over my body. I even wondered if I should warn my parents about this, because I didn’t want them to go into shock when they discovered Caleb was now me. However, I didn’t know for certain it was going to happen and I didn’t want to alarm my parents unnecessarily. If Caleb contacts me again and says he’s going to do it, then maybe I’ll be able to convince him to give me a little time so I can tell my parents first.

The hours seemed to drag on throughout the day and still nothing happened. I continued to wonder when, or even if, this was going to occur, seeing the entire situation was still up in the air. During that time, I didn’t know how to act around my parents or what to say to them, however, they picked up on it and mentioned that I was acting strangely. They even started to ask if I felt alright or if something was bothering me, but what could I say? I couldn’t very well tell them I was being haunted by Caleb’s ghost and he wanted to take over my body, so all I could do was to tell them that I was fine.

After dinner, I went up to my room because I didn’t want to raise any more red flags for them to spot or have them watching me like a hawk. However, the suspense and uncertainty was taking its toll on me and I kept watching my phone as the minutes and hours slowly ticked by.

There was now less than an hour until midnight and I began to wonder if he’d have to do this while it was still Halloween when I suddenly received another text message.

‘I changed my mind.’ ‘I forgive u.’

‘Thank you, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive myself.’

‘It’s not all your fault.’

‘I would have been ok if I slept on my side, instead of on my back.’

‘Even so, I’ll always feel guilty and I’ll never forgive myself.’

‘I’ll also never forget my best friend.’

‘You’re still my best friend too.’

‘Thank you and I hope I’ll be able to be with you again when I die.’

At that moment I noticed the numbers on my phone had rolled over to 12:00, so it was no longer Halloween, and it was also the last time I heard from Caleb.

Every year on Halloween I wonder if I’ll hear from Caleb again, but I haven’t so far, so I’m hoping that I’ll get to see him again when I die. He’s still is my very best friend and always will be.

THE END