Life's a Dreamboat - 5. Chapter 5

Thomas can see the shadow outlining of a man at the front door.

‘Um,’ the man, Billy, clears his throat. ‘Can I come in?’

Zack sighs and lets him in, and closes the door, ‘Just stand here, this will do.’

The man stands, awkward. Thomas can see Billy is tall slender man.

‘I’ve told you. You don’t have to do this alone,’ Billy says.

‘I’m fine.’

‘Your operation was recently, wasn’t it?’

‘Yeah. It went well, I am just recovering from it now.’

Billy pauses, ‘You can push me away all you want but I still care about you.’

‘Are you suggesting that I don’t care?’

‘I just don’t understand why you didn’t want to fight for our marriage.’

Sighing, Zack rubs his face, ‘Is that what you came over to say?’

‘I don’t want you doing this alone.’

‘I’m not on my own.’

‘You’re the one who pushed me away, I went because you wanted me to, I was doing this for you.’

‘You’re right,’ Zack snaps. ‘I did push you away and I don’t regret my decision.’

‘You regret our marriage?’

Zack sighs again, his voice wavers a little this time, ‘Of course not.’

‘Do you still love…’

‘We were together for seven years,’ Zack’s voice is weak again.

He is struggling and Thomas aches to go over and support him. But he stands there instead, silently, listening.

‘I still love you, Zack.’

Those words pain Thomas and he doesn’t know why. He holds his breath, waiting for Zack’s response.

Zack does not reply.

Billy tries to step forward, to hug Zack but Zack shakes his head and steps back.

Billy whispers, ‘Look, I know I messed up in the past, I can’t ever make up for it, I’m trying right now.’

‘You know what, Billy,’ Zack suddenly says. ‘I, just. I just had enough. The pain you put me through when you got with your receptionist was a lot to handle. I stuck at our marriage for a long time and painted us strong and in love, that we could overcome any flings you had because we were a powerful couple. But now with this cancer. It’s hard but I would rather be on my own with this, than with someone I don’t trust.’

‘The receptionist? That happened four years ago, it didn't happen again, and I thought we were working on that.’

‘I still love you, Billy. I just really don’t like you as a person anymore.’

That seems to have stop Billy and he freezes up, unable to respond to that.

Zack continues, ‘Look, I appreciate that you came round to see how I was, I really do appreciate it and the seven years is something I don’t regret because we tried but sometimes people aren’t meant for each other, Billy.’

Billy croaks, ‘But I can’t stop loving you. I know you can’t either.’

‘Thank you for coming round. But I would like for you to go now.’

Billy tries to say something and stops, Zack stands his ground. Billy rubs his face and goes to the door.

As he opens it, he calls over his shoulder, ‘I’m not the one giving up on us Zack.’

Zack says nothing as he closes the door behind Billy.

That makes Thomas so angry. How dare Billy. How dare he say that to Zack. How dare he.

Zack then walks to the kitchen door and Thomas stands back. He looks sheepishly on the ground as Zack gives him a sad smile, aware he has been listening.

‘You didn’t have to hide.’

‘That was shit, man,’ mutters Thomas.

Zack just nods and his eyes glaze over, as if he is trying not to cry.

Clearing his throat Thomas announces, ‘Do you want to try some alcohol?’

Zack looks over and lets out a little chuckle, shaking his head, ‘I can watch you drink?’

‘Okay,’ Thomas says. ‘You pick the alcohol. I have to drink whatever you tell me to.’

Zack’s eyebrow raises, ‘Are you sure that’s a good idea?’

Later on, Thomas gets Zack’s favourite drink, tequila. He pulls faces every time he drinks it which makes Zack laugh.

‘Are you sure you’re okay with me drinking this in front of you?’

‘It’s like I’m living through you,’ Zack smiles, nudging him.

They are both sat on the couch with the TV on. The music channel is on, Bruce Springsteen ‘Dancing in the dark’ comes on.

‘Now we just dancing in the dark,’ Thomas shakes his shoulders, laughing. It is getting late and Zack gets up to turn the lamps on around the room.

‘You know,’ Thomas leans over to Zack once Zack sits back down. ‘I might not have been married but I know what it’s like trying something you know you don’t belong to.’

Zack nods and Thomas continues, ‘When I was younger, I thought I was a tomboy but even then, I didn’t belong to the girls’ section. I was too afraid to leave, I thought maybe I had to fight to belong, that I was letting my gender down by not wanting to conform, that it was my fault? I don’t know, does that make sense?’

‘It makes sense,’ Zack reassures, softly, patting his back.

‘I mean, it’s probably not like your marriage.’

‘No, I understand what you’re trying to say,’ Zack says, sipping his water. ‘We both tried to please other people and it wasn’t worth it.’

Thomas nods and mutters, ‘I don’t like telling people about who I used to be. Not because I’m ashamed, it’s not that. It’s just, um, when people know, they never see me again, they just see who I used to be.’

‘Thomas.’

Thomas looks over to Zack as Zack puts his hand on his shoulder, ‘I see you as you are right now. I always have.’

Those words and the alcohol. Thomas can feel himself welling up, the emotions raw and deeply impacting him. The urge to hug Zack tight against him, hold him close, it is very overwhelming. But Thomas pulls himself back, sniffs a little.

Reaching for his glass, he drinks a bit more of his tequila before nodding, his throat crackling, ‘That means a lot. Thank you.’

It really does mean so much coming from Zack. Thomas wanted Zack to see him as equal to him, because Zack meant so much to Thomas. He really needed to hear that.

He then turns to Zack, ‘If you ever want to talk about, um, Billy, I’m here if you need me.’

It is a few days after and both Zack and Thomas are in the office.

Thomas is typing away, focused on his computer task when he hears Sharon, Andy and Zack talking away.

Thomas types hard, concentrating on the excel documents, the numbers, the orders.

‘We need to a birthday collection for Barry,’ says Andy.

‘Are you happy to organise it?’ asks Zack. ‘Do you need any help?’

‘No,’ Sharon butts in. ‘We’ll be fine organising it; we were just wondering if we were allowed to balloons and banners up for him?’

Zack laughs, his laughter is warm and inviting, ‘Of course. The birthday boy is coming in on his actual birthday, we need to make sure he knows we appreciate it.’

‘Not going to lie,’ Andy says. ‘I wouldn’t come in on my birthday.’

‘Well, I don’t come in at all most days, man,’ teases Zack.

Sharon laughs, ‘He meant work at all, boss.’

‘We’re not stay at home workaholics like you,’ teases Andy.

Thomas grits his teeth as they all laugh; Andy gently nudges Zack’s arm. The feeling to stand up and yank Andy away from Zack hits like a jackhammer.

Thomas realises he wants to get up, and grab Zack away from them all. He doesn’t like Andy nudging Zack like that. The intense jealousy over something so trivial is not normal. This is not how you feel about just a friend. It isn’t.

Thomas holds in a sigh.

Zack is his boss; he is dealing with a messy divorce. He has cancer. He is vulnerable.

But the more Zack laughs, the more the truth hits Thomas harder and harder and he can’t reach for a strong alcoholic drink to ignore the blatant truth.

Thomas berates himself again. Zack is his boss. Zack is getting divorced. Zack has cancer. The flags are screaming red.

But Thomas can’t help but peek up at Zack in the corner of his eye. His smile lit up his face. His very handsome face.

Thomas feels so embarrassed. He’s always felt this way about Zack. He knows these feelings have not come out nowhere. This is just the first time Thomas has been brave enough to look directly at the truth.

The truth is Thomas has fell for Zack. He has fallen very hard for Zack and he has denied it strongly for a while. Someone like Thomas couldn’t fall for someone like Zack.

But now, as he peeks up at Zack’s smiling face again, he has that warm feeling that no one else could provide him with.

Zack is incredible. It means the world to Thomas when it is just them two, that nothing else matters and he is always craved to be with him. Sitting next to him. His hand on his shoulder. The gentle nudges.

Zack had finished his conversation with Andy and Sharon and had walked back to his office, Thomas can’t help letting his eyes linger on Zack, watching him walk away.

Thomas has always been aware Zack is a handsome man, but he is so handsome on the inside, a genuine soul. He has an air of humble attraction about him.

Thomas stares at his computer screen, the numbers a blur in front of him.

Well, now he knows how he feels, he just has to deal with it. Time to lock it all up. It wouldn’t be fair on Zack to find out. Zack needs a friend; it would be selfish of Thomas to unload these feelings onto him.

These feelings are so strong, it makes Thomas mentally stagger back. Now he has to somehow put these huge feelings aside and carry on as normal.

A beep interrupts his thoughts. Thomas looks around before checking his phone.

Oh.

A message from the work Whatsapp group. Andy and Sharon suggesting more people go out again like they did before Christmas. A night out again. People are already messaging back, all eager and up for it.

Thomas sighs. He’ll reply back later.

Just before he puts his phone away, another beep happens, and Thomas peers on his phone.

Zack.

‘Busy tonight? Thought we could do some work stuff then maybe have some food? If you’re busy that’s also fine, I don’t expect you at my beck and call.’

Thomas looks at the messages in the Whatsapp group. He should reply to that and say yes to going out with people. Focus on them more. Go back to hanging put with Andy and Sharon again.

Now he realises how he really feels about Zack, he is afraid of being in front of him and doing something stupid. But the urge to simply be with him is stronger, so much stronger.

Despite himself, Thomas can’t help but text Zack back, ‘I’m not busy, I’ll come round, I will make some soup tonight, let me know what you are wanting.’