Ralph: Breaking free - 10. Tea and coming out

Ralph's Mother had gone to town for tea with the girls, there were sandwiches, vegetarian sausage rolls and quiche, all best M&S. Good job the girls had chosen Indian snacks for lunch, Ralph thought. Despite the proximity of the meal-times they tucked in, as did his parents.

"Golf club not feed you a proper meal, then?" Ralph smiled, hoping to make it a joke.

"Ralph. It wasn't that sort of event!" His Mother glared at him.

His Father simply rolled his eyes, "It was a meet and greet for new and potential members, chance for folk to get to know each other. You should have come."

"Father? With the girls."

He shrugged, "They could have played outside. Terence Atkins was there."

Ralph simply stared, the name meant nothing to him, "As in?"

His Father reined in his annoyance, "Owns the big estate agents. They are doing well, expanding and increasing their online presences. He brought his daughter along, likely prospect." And his Father gave a smile that veered into a leer. That sort of prospect.

"Thanks all the same but working for an estate agent isn't me."

"Ralph. It makes sense."

"Look. This isn't the time or place."

But, of course, it was. His Father could brow-beat Ralph, who could not simply abscond from the tea table or get angry because of the twins. And those two pairs of ears were paying great attention.

"I have more than enough work already at the firm, and I am enjoying myself."

His Mother smiled, "His daughter seemed a nice girl. About your age."

Luckily Jane picked that moment to talk about school, a welcome distraction. Unfortunately, his Mother returned to the fray as they did the washing up, whilst the twins watched a suitably uplifting nature programme on television with his Father.

"Francoise Atkins is a lovely girl. Her Mother is French and Francoise spends a lot of time in Paris. She works for a big firm in town handling their international sales."

"She's in the same business as her father?"

"Yes. She's single. Divorced, like you, no children though." His Mother looked at him, "We thought it would be so nice to invite them over next weekend, just for drinks. If you could join us?"

Ralph exploded, "Look. I'm happy where I am. I love my firm, and I'm proud of what we've achieved, and we have a good team. I know you and Father don't approve." His Mother made depreciating noises. "I'm never going to be the professional you want. Live with it. And I'm not going to have my love life arranged either. Is that clear?"

"It's just... We thought."

"Mother. I'm 35, I am perfectly capable of sorting myself out, thank you. I'm just getting adjusted to life separate from Therese."

"But the girls need a Mother."

"That's all that counts is it, not my needs?" That’s what did it, that’s when he crossed that line. The one he'd avoided these years, "Who said I'm looking for a Mother for them?"

"Ralph, please. None of that nonsense", said rather sharply. He didn’t need to say more, she knew exactly what he meant, that sore had never quite healed, had it?

"Mother, I've learned a lot about myself in the last few years. I’m attracted to men and women, though I have always assumed that I'd have a girlfriend. I'm beginning to learn not to take everything for granted.”

“Ralph! I hardly think…”

But Ralph ploughed on, “I’m learning that it’s me that’s important, so if I want to have a boyfriend, I will. And as it happens, I have been out a couple of times with a man. A nice man. And you know what, the sky didn’t fall in."

His Mother took a deep breath, but before she could say any more, Ralph put the tea towel back onto the rack, thanked her for a lovely tea and went to hustle the girls.

They were quiet on the journey home. Alisa and Jane had always been susceptible to atmosphere at his parents, and this occasion was no different. How much did they hear or understand? “You know we were talking about me looking for a new girlfriend?” Two heads nodded in the mirror, “Well, grandma and grandpa think they are being helpful by making suggestions.”

“Are you going to meet the lady?” So, they had heard something.

“Certainly not. If I meet someone it will be a person that I like; that we all like.” More nodding.

“Like Nolan?”

Christ, where did that come from? “I like Nolan, but we’re just friends. Give Dad some space and don’t rush things.”

Ralph was dazed and confused during the Sunday evening routine, but the twins’ school things had to be just so. Finally, he was tucking them up in bed when they artlessly informed him that they loved him, and liked it being just the three of them.

Christ.

He poured himself a strong whisky (Lidl’s finest) and texted Nolan asking if he was around. He was. He phoned and asked what was up. Ralph tried to tell him about the afternoon but the enormity of what he’d done hit him and he panicked. Ralph must have worried Nolan, because he said to stay put and he’d be round in 20 minutes.

Ralph spent the time replaying the afternoon. Had his Mother understood properly? Of course she had. There had been plenty of hints over the years, post-Gordon, that they worried about Ralph and boys. He remembered hearing her on the phone to a friend, just after his engagement to Therese had been announced, saying that the news was such a relief after the scare he’d given them. At the time, Ralph hadn’t been so much furious as determined to keep his course. He couldn’t be gay, ergo he wasn’t.

Ralph parked the parent issue, temporarily, and put the whisky away. He did not want to greet Nolan drunk and incapable, nor did he want to have a hangover on Monday morning.

“What’s the matter, you look rather shaken?”

“I think I came out to my Mother this afternoon.”

Nolan pulled a face, “I take it not by design?”

Ralph explained about his parents trying to set him up with the daughter of the estate agent they wanted him to work for.

Nolan’s brow wrinkled, “Why do they want you to work for an estate agent?”

“Guy’s a big noise in the area, domestic and commercial, big hitters, and extensive online presence which they are growing.”

“So, you’re bound to be a good fit”, Nolan rolled his eyes.

“More importantly, he is a big noise in the Golf Club. He’s probably told Father that he’d see me right.”

“Huh. Selling houses. And the daughter?”

“International real estate with a big London firm. No children. Divorced.”

“Nice!”

“I exploded when Mother said she wanted me to come over next weekend for drinks with them.”

“And the twins?”

“Play in the garden”, Ralph was almost smiling now, “Sorry, when I describe it, it all sounds so risible.”

“But you’re 35 and your parents still want to arrange your life.”

“I was remembering just now. Just after Therese and I got engaged, I went home for the weekend.”

“On your own?”

“Yes, can’t remember why. But I overheard Mother on the phone, saying the engagement was such a relief after the scare I’d given them.”

“Your gay moment?”

“Yeah. It’s always been there. The other week I mentioned seeing Gordon again. Not to speak to, just across the Cathedral Green, and Mother simply referred to him as that boy.”

“All that time later”, Nolan shook his head. “So, what do you want to do?”

Ralph stared at him, what did he want to do? “I don’t know. I can’t stay as I am. I want to change, but I’m not certain I have the courage. And my parents?”

Nolan cocked his head, “You’ve told them, now let them make their move.”

“You think?”

Nolan gave a wicked smile, “That or you take me to tea with them, next time.”

Ralph’s splutter turned into laughter.

It wasn’t ideal, having Nolan there and the twins upstairs. Sitting close to each other gave them ideas and though Nolan was uncertain, worried about the twins suddenly appearing, they managed to have fun in a way that promised a lot for Thursday.

And when Nolan left, Ralph was feeling far more relaxed. Nolan had smiled and said that sex did that to people, but Ralph knew that Nolan had helped him cross a line. Now he couldn’t wait for Thursday, when they’d have time together. Alone.

---

“Good weekend?” The three of them, Ralph, Ivor and Beth, were having lunch. Ivor had looked up from his sandwiches.

Beth shrugged, “Rather a lot of gardening, which entailed going to the dump.”

Ivor pulled a face, “Why?”

Beth looked at him oddly, “To get rid of the waste?”

“Why not burn it? Grandad does.”

Ralph laughed, “Why not? Because Beth lives in a residential area where the council frowns on smoke from fires.”

Beth sniggered, “Not to mention setting the neighbours’ trees alight.”

“Cowards.” Ivor, it turned out, had spent the entire weekend playing WarCraft, evidently. A common occurrence for him, and Beth had more than once described Ivor as resembling a mole.

“How about you?”

Ralph picked up one of his M&S vegetable samosas (left over from the picnic). He wrinkled his nose, “Another party.”

“The twins?”

“Yeah. Ritzy one this time, separate do for the adults.”

“Nice?”

“Hardly. Small-talk with the mothers of the twins’ friends. Oh, and a gay male couple who made a camp remark about me looking for a boyfriend.”

Beth stared at him, “Seriously?”

“Mmm. Instead of laughing it off, I freaked, was rude and left.”

Beth rolled her eyes, “With the girls, I hope?”

“Of course. I’m not that bad!” He gave her a wry grin. “It gets worse. Sunday, tea with my parents. They are trying to set me up with the daughter of one of Father’s golfing buddies.”

Ivor looked puzzled, “Why the hell?”

“Don’t trust me to find my own. Wanted me to go round for drinks to meet her. Oh, and her Dad’s willing to give me a job.”

“Where?”

“Big estate agent.”

Beth started laughing, “What did you do?”

“Get angry, tell Mother I could find my own partner and was happy with man or woman, and that I’d been seeing a bloke, thank you very much.”

“Shit.”

“Christ.”

The two stared at Ralph, familiar enough with his relations with his parents to know that that was big.

Beth became business-like, “To be down to earth for the moment, does your Dad still loan you that money you used to help start up the business?”

“No, thank Christ. That was definitely a short-term loan.”

Ivor looked fierce, “Tight bugger.”

Beth pulled a face, “Could have been nasty. And how are you?”

“Feeling a bit freaked. But seething. However, for the moment I’m going to let it ride.

“Good idea. See what they say.”

Ivor considered, “I know this might sound a bit radical, but what harm might there be in just ignoring them and doing what the hell you want.”

What indeed?