Those Left Behind - 5. Just pottering along?

Another of Damian’s fascinations was with men’s body hair and its sheer variety. Perhaps if Ludo had been hairier? One of Damian’s friends, Howard, had parents who’d taken a group of the boys swimming. Damian had come back fascinated that Howard’s Dad was so hairy that he had hair on his back, and so much hair, down there, that his willy had disappeared. Comments like this would be followed by reassurance that Damian had not stared. But Ludo was worried that one day, he’d get a visit from an irate parent.

There had already been comment from Damian about Arthur’s general lack of body hair; where Ludo had a light sprinkling of hair on chest and belly, Arthur had none. But then one afternoon, Damian was perched on a stool in the kitchen consuming juice and a biscuit after school whilst Ludo got the basics ready for their evening meal, and Damian came out with a real belter.

“Dad, you know you said as how some men are hairier than others and it’s just like being taller or such?”

“Mmm?”

“Well, Gordy, the gardener.”

Shit, was the event in The Garden as significant as that?

“Mmm?”

“He sort of didn’t mind being looked at.” Damian looked at his Dad, checking the general temperature. “You know you said some men have more hair than others, well Gordy didn’t have any?”

Lord save us from pervy gardeners.

“Well, some people suffer from a disease that means they don’t have any hair anywhere.”

Damian’s response was a wide eyed, “Oh?”

“But Gordy has hair on his head, eyebrows and such. Some men shave everything off because they like it.”

“You mean that they like not having hair, or is it sex stuff?”

“Both. Some people find guys like that attractive. Some like hair, some like lots, and some like none?”

“What do you like?”

Blimey, they’d somehow jumped to his liking guys. Had he missed something?

“I’ve never really known any hairy men, like Howard’s Dad.” Damian gave a comic grimace in response. “I’m used to guys who aren’t very hairy and it’s not just guys. Some men like women to shave too.” He grinned, “It takes all sorts. Next time we go to The Garden you could ask Gordy.”

And Damian bloody well smiled and said he would. “Have you ever done it, Dad?”

“What? Shaved? No, too much trouble. Most guys content themselves with a bit of a trim.”

Damian giggled, “Like a haircut?”

“Yeah, make yourself look presentable for someone special.”

Damian looked thoughtful, “I think you’d look good like that.”

And Ludo didn’t know how to answer to that one.

***

“You actually suggested that?”

“Don’t know what came over me.”

Arthur chortled. “Do you think that Damian will ask Gordy?”

“That kid has amazing chutzpah sometimes. So, he just might.”

“But you can’t?”

Ludo shrugged. “Why not? He stripped off with a strange boy. Of course, he’d get noticed. Questions are fair enough.”

It was one of their post work and school lazy evenings together, they were sitting in Arthur’s garden and the boys were playing some elaborate game on the lawn.

“You saw Gordy.”

“Yeah, bold as brass. Red-headed Scotsman, not bad looking”, Ludo grinned Arthur, “if you like the type.”

“And shaved?”

“Yeah. If I did that, Jackie’d have a fit no doubt and it’s far too much effort.”

Arthur smiled, “Never mind about the shaving rash!”

“Hmm. And Damian thinks I’d look good like that.”

Arthur almost choked in his beer, “He said that?”

“Bold as brass.”

“What did you say?”

“Coward’s way, I pretended I’d not heard and changed the subject.”

“Do you think he’s…”

Ludo widened his eyes, “You tell me. He’s only ten, but he’s already got a fascination with male body hair and a tendency to look at guys’ dicks. It’s surely not just down to curiosity. But he’s only ten, for God’s sake.”

“He might be an early developer when it comes to knowing he likes guys.”

“Still. A lot of time, and a lot of hormones to get through, though…”

“I knew that I was interested in guys when I was twelve. Even before then I had a fascination with what guys wore underneath their trousers, more specifically policemen’s underwear.”

It was Ludo’s turn to choke, “You’re joking?”

“Nope. Goodness knows where it came from. I didn’t tell anyone, wouldn’t have dared.”

“And did you ever find out?”

“Sadly, no. And since then, I’ve never been with a policeman either.”

“We’ll just have to see if we can fix that.”

***

A few days later, Adam and Damian went on the dreaded field trip. Damian was excited by it, and Ludo just knew that the next few weeks were going to be punctuated by fascinating facts about the sexual habits, or whatever the equivalent word was, of plants and trees. Ludo knew he ought to be more enthusiastic and would do his damnedest to pretend. If Damian was going to be obsessed by botany, then it should be encouraged. There were worse interests for a kid to have.

But it had an advantage, that Adam and Damian were able to spend the evening alone. They didn’t do that much, but it was great to be able to take things slow. Not too slow, and as Ludo walked back home, he was aware of a certain burning sensation in his bum, he hoped everything was OK and that they hadn’t been too enthusiastic. And if Jackie was home, he’d have to act as if nothing extraordinary had happened.

Ludo hoped that whatever he had with Arthur could bubble along casually for a bit, but they kept having these accidentally intense moments, moments that made him feel alive. He couldn’t explain it. Was it because Arthur was a bloke, and it was simply a bloke thing, the way he reacted to them? Or was it because Arthur was who he was? Ludo tried to calm himself down, and file it all away for later.

At the weekend Jackie announced she had to work, though she had the grace to look apologetic and promised Damian a family treat at the end of it all. Ludo took the boy off for the afternoon, and they both made light of it, but both knew they were avoiding Jackie’s potential bad mood. Ludo and Damian walked over to the Common, it was windy and there might be kites. Some pretty fancy kite flying happened there. On the way they talked kites, school, botany trip, trees. Easy stuff.

And there, watching the kites were Arthur and Adam, just as if they’d arranged it. So, as the boys watched, the two men sat on a bench in the sun, just two Dads out on a Saturday afternoon.

“You recovered from the other day”, there was a glint in Arthur’s eye.

“I don’t know what to do.”

Arthur looked at Ludo’s face and his smart riposte died on his lips. The guy wasn’t talking about the after-effects of over-enthusiastic sex.

“I thought that I could deal with it, our thing would bubble along comfortably. But it’s not comfortable. It’s intense, at least it is for me. I... I don’t want to lose you, and I don’t know how to go further. I’m so scared of messing things up with us and so scared of losing Damian. I…”

Discreetly, Arthur took Ludo’s hand. “I can wait. I’ve waited a long time and got far more than I’ve ever dreamed. We need to potter on for a bit, snatch moments. And see what happens. We don’t have to rush anything.”

“I never expected to fall in love with a bloke.”

“That is probably the least romantic declaration I’ve ever had.”

“And you’ve had lots?”

“Oh, heaps. They come daily sometimes”. They were both smiling now, rather inanely. “And I love you too.”

Then the boys erupted, and all chance of private talk disappeared.

***

Ludo had lived with Jackie long enough to know when a project was reaching critical mass. She would come home positively buzzing sometimes and seemed almost consumed by work. There would still be occasional family moments, and only this time Ludo would start to feel guilty that he was focused far more on Arthur than on Jackie.

Damian’s obsession with the tree houses in the Aboretum de Tinques had not gone away either, but Jackie’s tolerant amusement had turned to something else more fretful. If they made it to their holiday, then it wasn’t going to be in a French tree house, Ludo was fairly sure of that. But he’d looked the site up on the web, and it seemed pretty cool. Expensive, and probably difficult to get booked into, thankfully.

One evening at Arthur’s the two men were clearing up the dishes. Something quite mundane, not sexy at all but at a certain moment Ludo leaned over and kissed Arthur. It was the sort of thing that he’d never been able to do with Jackie, she liked to be prepared and to concentrate on the moment; to have a quick smooch whilst finishing the washing up was out of the question. On a good day she’d gently push him away with a smile and say ‘Later’. On a good day.

And then he caught sight of Damian stood in the doorway, eyes wide. Damian didn’t say anything, he simply watched, then put his finger to his lips in a shushing motion and disappeared. Walking home, however, Ludo was dreading the inevitable conversation.

“You like Adam’s Dad.”

“Yes, I do. A lot.”

“Like as in your best friend, or like as in sex stuff?”

“Truthfully, both.” Damian stared at him. “It was a surprise. You remember I explained how some people can only realise they like people of their own sex later in life”. The discussion had arisen because Damian had managed to pick up some story about a bloke leaving his wife for a man, Ludo couldn’t remember the context now, but he had a clear memory of desperately trying to explain the complexities to Damian.

“Because they grow up with people telling them it’s not OK?”

“Yes. Well, it seems that was me. Adam’s Dad was my best friend, but then it became something a bit more.” This was the point when he ought to say the speech about still loving Jackie and such, but it didn’t come.

“Do you want to live together?”

Fucking hell.

“That would mean leaving your Mum.”

“Yes” There was a baldness to the statement that was shocking in a ten-year-old.

“If I left your Mum, then you would not be able to live with me all the time. When people divorce, mothers get custody. You know what that means?”

Damian nodded, “What if I don’t want to?”

“You have to wait till you are 16.” Damian stared at his Dad but didn’t say anything. “So, it is complicated. Adult stuff.”

“But it affects me.” This was said with remarkable fierceness.

“And what would you like?”

“To live with you and Adam and Adam’s Dad. And you could marry, like Tony’s Dad and his boyfriend.”

It was alarming how firmly out of kilter the boy’s ideas were when it came to society’s norms. An antagonistic divorce lawyer would have a field day. But Damian saw it all with the simplicity and clarity of a ten-year-old. Ludo couldn’t and didn’t ask the boy to say nothing of what he’d seen, but after a thoughtful moment, Damian piped up again.

“I won’t tell Mum. I like Adam’s Dad and Mum has been angry a lot lately”, he looked at his Dad. “She’s not been very nice, and I don’t think her work is going right. She’s shouting a lot on the phone.”

Ludo was surprised, had he missed all this when Damian hadn’t? “Are you OK? I can speak to her.”

“No, it’s cool. I just hide. But it will be nice when she’s finished this job.”

Shouting down the phone, Ludo wondered about saying something to her, but they’d always kept work separate from home life. Security at the bank was such that it was easier if Ludo knew nothing about what Jackie was working on. And that was fine by him, the arcane world of bank auditing was one that he knew little about. Perhaps he too would have to wait for this project to end. And hope his ten-year-old son stuck to his resolution to keep quiet, too.

But it was a hostage to fortune, there would be some discreet blackmail ahead, Ludo didn’t doubt. Damian wasn’t stupid, and frankly Ludo couldn’t blame him. It was only later that the alternative scenario occurred to Ludo. What would he have done if Damian had hated the idea of him and Arthur?