We Hold These Truths to be Self-Evident - 2. To Be, or Not To Be

The last three weeks had been a whirlwind, or perhaps a category five hurricane. The landscape of Joshua’s life had been transformed almost completely, and not gently. Everything that had seemed certain and stable had been upset or uprooted; he felt exposed and vulnerable, his weaknesses stressed to the point of breaking.

Marcus felt the impact of change as well, but for him life felt more hopeful, brighter, as if he had weathered the worst of the storm already. The sun was breaking through the clouds, and despite the carnage, he was encouraged by the sudden rainbow arching over his broken past. He reached across the table, gently pulling the ceramic mug from Joshua’s tight grip. He set it aside, taking the now empty hand into his.

“What’s going on in your head, Joshua? You’ve been quiet and distant all morning.” Marcus could see the rainbow beginning to fade.

Joshua was silent for a long moment. He wasn’t sure how to put his feelings into words. In fact, he wasn’t sure he could. His confused eyes took in the look of concern on the now familiar face across from him.

“I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to live. I don’t know what to think… I just don’t know!” His voice had slowly risen as the words tumbled out.

Marcus brought the man's hand to his lips, as Joshua had done in the alley the night they had met.

“Fucking faggots… get a room.”

Joshua watched the large man shove his way out of the diner and climb into the cab of a truck parked at the edge of the large lot. He tried to pull his hand free as his emotions tried to likewise retreat. Marcus refused to let go.

“Ignore that ignorant bastard, Joshua. The world is full of them. It sucks, but there are plenty of amazing people who will accept us. Focus on them.” Marcus knew how hard it had been for him to transition his public persona, and he had the benefit of starting fresh as a college freshmen in a new city.

“My whole life I have been hiding who I really am. I’m not like you, Marcus. I can’t tune out the world’s reaction.” Joshua sounded calm, but Marcus could feel the tremors running through his hand.

“Let’s get out of here.” Marcus pulled one hand free to fish out his wallet.

They hadn’t ordered anything beyond coffee yet and honestly, neither was feeling very hungry. He managed to extract a ten-dollar bill. Sliding out of the booth while holding hands was awkward, but Marcus had a deep feeling that letting go now might mean letting go forever. He wasn’t ready to do that just yet.

. . .

The diner was located just off the highway in a small community on the edge of the state park. Marcus escorted a fragile Joshua into the passenger side of his own SUV. Conveniently, the push button start didn’t require Marcus to be carrying the key.

He drove the seven miles to the park entrance listening to the thick, heavy silence that separated them. Joshua stared out the passenger window at the world passing him by. Each was lost, deep in their own thoughts.

They had spent several afternoons hiking the trails and exploring the forests and shores of Sangchris Lake. It had become an almost sacred place to Marcus and Joshua. There they could be out in public, but in an anonymous and private way as they got to know each other better.

Marcus found a spot to pull off and park near one of the few places the hiking trail crossed the highway. Judging from the cars that lined the shoulder, they would not be alone. He wasn’t surprised. It was still early, but it was also a Saturday in June.

He climbed out, moved around the BMW, and opened Joshua’s door.

“Let’s walk. We can talk when you are ready.” Marcus had come out, largely on his own. He was constantly uncertain how to help Joshua, but he was committed to supporting him in any way he could.

Joshua shoved his hands deeply into his pockets and shuffled forward mechanically with his eyes glued to the ground. They walked in silence, occasionally passing other people, some alone, others in groups. Strangers said hello, children laughed as they ran down the trial, men and women walked together holding hands. They were all oblivious to the intense struggle taking place in Joshua’s mind.

They had been walking for almost fifteen minutes when Marcus guided Joshua off the main trail towards the lake. They had discovered this hidden single-track path on a previous visit. It wound through thick vegetation for about one hundred yards before leading out onto a secluded, rocky beach. There was a fallen tree that been debarked lying a few yards from the shore. It provided the perfect place to sit and gaze out over the calm water.

“I care about you, you know.” Marcus wasn’t sure how to get the man beside him to open up.

Joshua slowly turned to look Marcus in the eye.

“I care about you too.” Joshua didn’t elaborate.

At twenty-four, Marcus had made peace with his sexuality. He liked who he had become for the most part, but like most people he was plagued with moments of insecurity. Joshua was clearly stuck between two worlds. They both had felt a growing strain in their budding relationship over the past week, and Marcus worried he wasn’t enough for Joshua. Finally, he couldn’t stand the uncertainly any longer.

“Are you going to dump me?” Marcus heard the quiver in his own voice. He watched Joshua’s face contort at the question.

“Marcus…I, Ah…Fuck!” Joshua closed his eyes tightly, tipping back his head while breathing deeply.

Marcus had seen him do that many times and knew Joshua was trying to regulate his emotions and clear his thoughts. He waited for the verdict, not at all confident he had successfully pleaded his case. Joshua reopened his eyes and slowly exhaled. Marcus held his breath.

“Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them. To die—to sleep, no more…” Joshua’s lips kept moving soundlessly for several seconds. Tears streamed down Joshua’s face as he searched Marcus’ soul for a lifeline.

Marcus shuddered as a sense of dread washed over him. He had grown used to Joshua’s quirks, many of them endearing. He typically enjoyed the unexpected quotations and impromptu monologues, but hearing Hamlet’s dark thoughts in the current moment shook him deeply.

“What are you saying Joshua?” The quiver was much more pronounced this time.

Joshua took Marcus’ hand.

“I don’t think I can be gay, and I can’t be straight … Marcus, you are amazing. When we are alone together, I feel like the person I was meant to be. When we are together in public, I feel scared, pathetic, disgusting. I can’t go back to being who I was before you. I can’t go forward and be who you need me to be.” Joshua’s confession faded to a whisper as he looked away, ashamed and in emotional agony.

“That’s bullshit,” Marcus said quietly but forcefully.

“Huh?” The response was not at all what Joshua had expected. His confused expression and single syllable response made Marcus angry.

“I said that’s bullshit!” A fire was now alight in his gaze as he dared Joshua to disagree.

“You’re not pathetic! You are not disgusting! You are GAY! You can’t change it, and no one else can either. So, what, your options are to struggle in misery or death? Is that what you’re saying? Yeah, that’s complete and utter bullshit!” Marcus was shouting, even though two men were less than a foot away.

Joshua recoiled as if he had been slapped.

Marcus wasn’t really shouting at Joshua, however; He was shouting at the world. As a teen, Marcus had felt like Joshua seemed to now. He had similar, but less poetic thoughts. He had even planned a way out. He hadn’t taken it though, just barely convincing himself that life would get better once he left home. Then he went to Miami. Yes, Marcus understood the thoughts and feelings Joshua was experiencing intimately, and he was suddenly terrified. He started to sob as he crumpled to the rocky ground.

Joshua was slow to react. The visceral response he had just witnessed was made more extreme by their peaceful surroundings. He sat paralyzed for several long seconds before regaining control of his senses. He fell to the ground as well, the distress he felt for himself shifting to Marcus who lay self-destructing beside him.

. . .

“How are you feeling today, Joshua? Are you thinking about hurting yourself?” The thin, white-haired man in the green argyle sweater vest had asked that question every week for the last eight weeks.

“No,” he replied.

“Good, that’s good. How about you, Marcus?” His gaze shifted to the dark-haired young man seated almost on top of Joshua.

Marcus smiled softly as he glanced lovingly at Joshua. Dr. Fenton watched as something private pass between them. The young man turned back and met his gaze with gleaming eyes.

“I’m good today, Doc. I’m really, really good.”

. . .

They sat in comfortable and companionable silence as Marcus drove towards Joshua’s house. Marcus often drove since that fateful morning at the diner. His right hand was intertwined with Joshua’s left. They had both been through hell in the last two months, but they had also experienced many moments of bliss. He turned to look at Joshua. He couldn’t help but marvel at his beauty.

“Hey, eyes on the road! I’m too young to die!” Joshua winced at his choice of words, but he was in too good a mood to dwell on them. He thought over their evening thus far.

They had eaten dinner at Mario’s, which was Joshua’s favorite little restaurant in town. They advertised authentic Italian American cuisine, which he felt was an oxymoron. Authenticity and labels aside, the food was good.

Joshua hadn’t felt brave enough to take Marcus there before that night; Mario, the owner and chef knew him well, as did many of the other regulars. Something had finally locked into place for Joshua that afternoon in Dr. Fenton’s office, however. He had made his choice.

They sat at a table in the center of the restaurant. They had wine and held hands across the table. There were some stares and few glares, but he had followed the good doctor’s advice and focused on his feelings rather than those of the people around them.

They enjoyed the food and each other’s company. Mario, himself had stepped out of the kitchen to greet them. The three of them had a short, but pleasant conversation. Shortly after he left, their waiter appeared with a large bowl of gelato and two spoons.

“For a special couple, on the house,” he had said with a sly wink.

He was pulled back to the present moment as Marcus turned into their driveway. He smiled as he realized how much he liked thinking of his home as theirs.

Marcus parked in the garage, and they made their way into the house. Joshua put the leftovers in the fridge and closed the door. He turned around slipping smoothly into the arms of the man he loved.

“Thank you for tonight,” said Marcus, following his soft words with an even softer kiss as his hands pulled their bodies together.

The intensity of the kiss grew. Joshua could still taste a hint of sweetness as he allowed his tongue to slowly explore. Soon his jealous hands were doing the same. Eventually, he pulled back, giving into his need for an even deeper connection.

“I love you, Marcus.” It wasn’t the first time he had thought it, but it was the first time he had dared say those words out loud.

Marcus felt his heart skip a beat. The night had been incredible, but there was still a sliver of self-doubt in his heart. Joshua’s calm and content expression emboldened him. He refused to let his doubt grow.

“To be, or not to be, that is the question.” Marcus was suddenly nervous, otherwise he may have smirked at his own wit. Once again, he held his breath, waiting for Joshua to respond.

Joshua pulled away suddenly, and Marcus began to panic. Before the emotion could reach his expression, he found himself being spun, his left hand pulled gently up over his head while his body executed a full turn. He came to rest in Joshua’s firm embrace, hand now clasped out to his side. He followed Joshua's lead as they waltzed around the kitchen to the silent music of their love. Joshua counted his steps silently as he often did, but this time in threes.

Marcus was twirled again. Their dance stopped suddenly as their eyes locked together once more.

“To be. Definitely to be...With you.”

Marcus didn’t even attempt to stop the tears that flowed down his cheeks. The rainbow was back, and the future felt brighter than it had ever felt before.