We Hold These Truths to be Self-Evident - 4. Absence Doth Sharpen Love

He was gone. Joshua wiped the tears from his eyes as he watched the small Toyota disappear into the afternoon sun. It was difficult to imagine living in his giant house without Marcus. They had been almost constant companions for just over three months, but once more, Joshua was alone. The thought was nearly unbearable.

A buzzing in his pocket interrupted Joshua’s spiraling emotions. He saw who was calling and smiled despite his profound sadness.

“Did you miss me already?” He asked, trying to sound as if he hadn’t been crying.

“Desperately! Seriously, Joshua. Maybe I should take a break. I wasn’t scheduled to graduate until next semester anyway.” Joshua’s heart rate spiked at the thought of Marcus turning around.

“I’m not going to tell you what to do, Marcus. God knows, I don’t want you to go,” he paused. “But I don’t think it will be any easier in January.”

“You’re right,” Marcus sighed.

“We have phones and email. Champaign is only an hour and a half away. I’ll visit, and you can come home on the weekends.” Joshua was trying to be encouraging, but all he could think about was how much he was dreading the next four months.

“Don’t forget Labor Day and Fall Break!” Marcus sounded suddenly upbeat, but they both knew it was an act.

“We have been through worse things than university. You’ve worked way too hard to put your education and ultimately your career on hold.” They had this discussion several times over the past week, and it landed in the same place each time.

“You’re right, Joshua. Fuck!” Marcus had not planned on falling in love over the summer, but he had.

“Hey, that’s my line! But yeah, fuck!” They both laughed softly, expelling some of the tension they each felt.

“Discipline is choosing between what you want now, and what you want most.” Joshua had read that recently, adding it to his ever-growing collection.

“Lincoln?” Marcus asked.

“Yep,” he chuckled, realizing he had once again spoken his thoughts out loud.

The two men had experienced extreme highs and lows over the summer. Neither was the same. Their intense, albeit brief relationship had changed both them and the direction of their lives. Separately, they had been simply surviving, lacking clear identities to define and guide them. As a couple, they had become more whole, finding themselves even as they explored each other.

Coming together hadn’t yet given them purpose, but it had given a strong sense of belonging. That was something that they each had lacked. Physical separation made them both uneasy, neither wanting to return to the loneliness of before.

“Are you going to be okay, Joshua?” Marcus asked.

“Are you?” Joshua threw the question back.

It was clear to both men, perhaps consciously for the first time, that they had grown deeply dependent on each other. There was an element of fear that came with facing the near future alone.

“Hey, I asked you first,” Marcus said in his best impersonation of a whiny adolescent.

“Fuck, Marcus, I am sorry for being so morose. It’s not like either of us are dying! You’ll be done by Christmas. Plus, you’ll be back this Friday for a long weekend. I’m going to work overtime to get that forensic accounting AI project back on track. You just focus on finishing your degree.” Positive energy rushed into Joshua as he reframed the dread he felt over their separation into future potential.

It was a skill that had made him a successful business owner, but one he seldom exercised elsewhere in his life. Suddenly, he was looking forward to work the following day. Their future was not written beyond the end of the year, but he could use the next four months to build a foundation to support the dreams he hoped they would one day share.

“You’re right. The world isn’t ending. In fact, I think our lives are just getting started.” Marcus was likewise energized by the shift in perspective and felt a surging love for the man who made him feel like he mattered. He was surprised by the need to adjust himself. “Damn, I love you!”

“Drive safe Marcus. Call or text when you get settled in the apartment.”

Joshua had helped Marcus collect his things from his friend’s apartment in Springfield earlier in the week. They had transported the basics in the BMW, moving him into a small, off-campus studio they found advertised online. Normally, Marcus would have opted to split the cost of rent with a few other guys, but Joshua had insisted on paying for a private space. He was intending to visit, and didn’t want to tip-toe around others who would expect them to wear clothes and keep their hands to themselves.

“I will… and thanks Joshua. I am so glad I took the chance to talk to you in the spring. Don’t replace me okay.” Marcus allowed a small amount of insecurity to show.

“Never Marcus. You are my man.” Hopefully forever, he thought. “I’m more concerned about the hot young studs you go to class with. I hope you don’t decide to trade me in for a newer model.” The difference in age still bothered Joshua.

“We’re doing it again aren’t we? Good grief. I will talk to you tonight, and I’ll be back to our home Friday evening. Champaign may be where I attend classes, but my heart lives in the middle of nowhere, twenty minutes outside of Springfield. I love you, Joshy!” Joshua started to protest but realized that Marcus had hung up. He smiled as he counted the steps back into the too-empty house.

. . .

“How did it respond to the last test scenario?” Joshua was frustrated. The team had been working on this project for over a year, but they had yet to get any results that hinted at a viable product.

“I know things have been moving slowly. It is simple to install an AI, train it on a large language model, and let it crawl a few databases. What we’re trying to do is completely different. We are asking a machine, albeit a very advanced one, to analyze data for anomalies that only the brightest financial minds would find. Then we expect it to follow those anomalies, often through restricted and authenticated servers. It was a simple idea but has proven very difficult to do.” Ashok was a brilliant technologist, an assertion supported by degrees from the Indian Institute of Technology and MIT.

“But we can do it, can’t we?” Joshua tried not to let his frustration show.

Ashok was silent as he tried his best to look defeated. The effect was sabotaged by the twinkle in his eyes. A smile began to grow after only a few seconds.

“We have done it. It is not perfect, but it succeeded with several basic test scenarios overnight. It is slow, and extremely resource intensive. This week and next we are going to work on optimizing the code for efficiency and refining our training data. We want to create the ability to point it at certain types of anomalies rather than allowing it complete autonomy in every scenario. The feds will raise taxes and lick your ass to get their hands on this, even in its current state.” The man didn’t usually talk this much and was almost always overly formal; He was clearly both tired, and excited.

Joshua found himself distracted by the idea of a certain young man licking his ass. That was something he and Marcus had not tried together. He was interested, but it made him remember Marcus' traumatic experience in a Miami bathroom. He directed his attention back to the man on the screen before him.

“You know the deal. The team splits twenty percent of the first year’s profit. Give me something I can sell!” Joshua was ecstatic. Everyone was talking about AI, but very few were doing anything useful with it.

“And Ashok? Good work my friend. Really good work!”

. . .

“How were your classes?” It was Thursday evening. They had talked briefly each evening that week, as well as sending multiple texts throughout the day.

“Good. I’m learning a lot. I got to pick all these classes based on things that I was interested in. My Employment Discrimination class has been fascinating. We were talking about legally protected statuses today. I think you’d like it; Lincoln comes up a lot.

“The founding fathers weren’t the only ones intent on qualifying and limiting the whole ‘all men are created equal’ idea. Emancipation, women’s suffrage, the civil rights movement, gay rights…. It’s crazy how many people have had to fight to be included in that statement and how many amendments and laws we’ve made to ensure they stay that way. It’s even crazier that the laws don’t always seem to help.” The excitement in his tone died as he thought about his own life experience.

As a gay man who grew up a conservative religious home, it had been difficult for him to believe civil liberties applied to him. His parents certainly didn’t see it that way, no matter what the lawyers and politicians said. Joshua could read the direction of his thoughts through his tone and relate to much of what he was feeling.

“America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.” Joshua quoted as his thoughts turned inward as well.

“Yeah,” Marcus agreed. “Thanks Abe.”

. . .

“Who will define and contrast Natural Law and Positive Law?” Jurisprudence was a class Marcus had signed up for reluctantly, largely because it fit in his schedule.

A petite black woman several rows ahead of him was the first to raise her hand.

“Yes, Ms. Collins,” the professor’s ability to memorize names had impressed Marcus immensely.

“Natural Law refers to laws that are universally true, a result of simply existing, while Positive Law is created by a society to govern.” Marcus shifted uncomfortably.

He was very familiar with Natural Law as it played a large role in his religious upbringing, although his father and the church elders never called it that. The Word of God, or God’s Laws were the terms used from the pulpit. His mom called it ‘God’s will, written on our heart.”

The idea of Natural Law seemed sound on the surface, but it often proved entirely too subjective for Marcus; his father, for instance, had a much larger collection of Natural Laws than most people; He condemned Marcus for breaking God’s law, which in his opinion clearly banned homosexuality; It was unnatural. That law didn’t feel universal, obvious, or inherent to Marcus.

“What is one example of Natural Law in America?” Marcus smiled as he raised his hand.

“Mr. Ortiz?” Marcus tried to keep his amusement from his voice.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” Once he began reciting those words, he had no difficulty maintaining his composure; in fact, his eyes grew moist as the last words left his mouth.

His professor paused, and Marcus could tell he was watching him intently. Several seconds passed before the man nodded to him almost imperceptibly and moved back to the lecturn.

Marcus quickly ran his sleeve across his face. He hadn’t realized how important those words had become to him. They represented much more than history, or even civil liberties. They had become both permission and purpose to him, even though he hadn’t consciously recognized that before.

“Yes, inalienable – unchallengeable – inherent and permanent. These are words that point toward Natural Law. Cicero called it ‘a certain social spirit which nature has implanted in man.’” The professor’s lecture moved forward, but Marcus remained stuck.

Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness. Those ideals resonated with something deep in his soul. The words, and the feelings they evoked came with a mental image of two men. Joshua personified inalienable rights and light shining into the future. Beside him stood his father, reminding him that a gay man is not a man, and he has no rights.

Marcus spent the remainder of the class torn between hope and hopelessness. He was glad the week was almost over. Soon he would be back in Joshua’s reassuring presence.

. . .

“Mr. Ortiz, a moment please.” Marcus was anxious to get on the road.

“Sir?” Marcus knew very little about Professor Radcliffe and couldn’t help but feel nervous; he had always been slightly afraid of men in authority and the recent thoughts of his father had him on edge.

“If you’d spare a few minutes, I’d like to talk to you.” His voice was soft but held an intensity that almost compelled Marcus to comply.

“Ah, yeah, sure.” Marcus took a deep breath, attempting to remain calm.

“I couldn’t help but notice you checked out of class a little early.” The man didn’t sound angry.

“I’m sorry sir.” The challenge made Marcus feel like a boy again, and he slipped back into the submissive role that had helped him survive. “I will work at remaining respectfully present and engaged in the future.”

“I’m sorry. I’m not looking for an apology. I’m trying to ask if everything is alright.” Marcus raised his downcast eyes and bowed head in surprise.

“Ah…sorry, sir, yes. Everything’s all right.” Marcus found the man’s concern disorienting; his eyes darted to the door even as he suppressed the urge to run.

“Oh, dear. May I start over?” The man waited for Marcus to nod. “Thank you.”

The older man took a moment to collect his thoughts before speaking again.

“I was a trial lawyer for thirty years. Watching and analyzing individuals in the Jury and on the stand became automatic, and it is a skill that has transferred easily to the classroom. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess you have had some challenges in your past.” His tone had lost its authoritative edge, sounding suddenly and unexpectedly compassionate.

Marcus nodded again, feeling too nervous to speak.

“Rather than guess at those challenges, let me tell you some of mine. My father was also a successful attorney who had little time for anyone but himself and his career. He was very strict and very driven with no patience for anything he felt was childish. He was a man of logic rather than emotion. I struggled for many years trying in vain to gain his approval. In the end, I became a lot like him. I made a great prosecutor, at least if you measure success by convictions.

“Law was a sword, and in my hands, it was deadly. I was a rising star in the District Attorney’s office just a few years after graduation.” Professor Radcliffe paused to stare into the past.

“A seventeen-year-old was accused of murdering his father. It was my call to prosecute. I refused to entertain a plea and petitioned the court to try him as an adult. I was ready to throw everything I had at him, like I did with every case I argued.

“The trial didn't go at all as I planned. When the boy took the stand, he spent over twenty minutes describing the abuse he had lived with; Awful physical, emotional, and sexual abuse that made my father look like a saint. There wasn’t a dry eye in the courtroom. It got worse as he got to the events that had led to his arrest.

“His father came home early from work and caught the boy and a friend kissing and groping each other on his bed. The friend was another boy.” The professor had tears in his eyes as his he built the rest of the narrative in his mind.

Marcus moved to a chair in the front row of the lecture hall and sank into it, dropping his bag by his side. He wasn’t sure where the story was going, or why it was being shared. He wasn’t sure he wanted to hear the rest, but he had a feeling that he needed to let Professor Radcliffe finish. The man took the chair next to him and quietly continued.

“The boys hadn’t heard him enter the home, and they didn’t know they had been caught until he was pounding his firsts into them. The boy kept a wooden bat by his bed, and he managed to grab it. When it was over, his dad was dead. The boy and his boyfriend were bruised and bloody. Both were traumatized and terrified.

“I couldn’t even speak when it was time to cross. I had to ask for a recess. I called the DA and told him I wanted to drop the charges. He told me it was my call. I couldn’t believe it. My boss was up for reelection, but he was willing to let a murder case walk on the advice of a young, emotional assistant.

“Later, I asked him why he’d allowed me to drop the case. You know what he said?” Marcus thought that a stupid question, but just shook his head.

“You must remember that some things legally right are not morally right.” He paused to let the words sink in. “It’s something Abraham Lincoln said.”

Marcus couldn’t stop the snort. He quickly explained.

“My boyfriend has a healthy obsession with Lincoln.” He realized too late that his professor likely didn’t know he was gay.

Professor Radcliffe just smiled and nodded. Then he continued.

“Natural Law had always been punitive, restrictive in my experience. I had never seen it applied in a gracious way. The boy was certainly guilty of manslaughter. I tried to argue that he used excessive force with a weapon, but in the end the argument didn’t feel right, even though the law said it was within my right as the county's prosecutor.

“Whatever your story is, I hope you can avoid the mistakes I made. I let the pain in my past blind me to my humanity. As your pal Lincoln remined me all those years ago, morality is sometimes different than legality.” They sat in silence for over a minute.

“I think that might have been the most important lesson I received this week. I’m curious why that story wasn’t in the lecture today?” Marcus was honestly curious.

“That’s a good question that I’m going to have to think about.” The man stood, and Marcus followed his lead. “I’m around if you ever want to talk, Mr. Ortiz.”

“Thank you, professor. I appreciate that.” He picked up his bag and followed the no-longer-intimidating man to the door.

. . .

“So, you don’t want to be a lawyer just to get rich then?” Joshua kissed the top of Marcus head gently and then inhaled deeply, savoring the complex and unique scent of new sweat and fading shampoo.

The temperature was finally beginning to drop as the sun slipped over the horizon. They were snuggled into each other on the outdoor loveseat on the back deck. It was still too warm for so much contact, but neither seemed to care.

“I’ve missed you Joshua. I think I love you twice as much as I did last Sunday.” Marcus knew it was true.

“I think I know what you are saying. I’ve been much more focused at work, and that felt good, but I’ve missed you too. Talking to you every evening kept me sane. I don’t ever want this moment to end.” Joshua pulled their warm bodies even tighter together.

“I think I want to talk to Dr. Fenton again.” Marcus said unexpectedly without elaborating.

“Okay. Is it something you want to do together or alone?” Joshua pulled away so he could see Marcus’ face.

“I think I need to go alone.” Marcus turned to see concern and insecurity in Joshua’s expression. “It’s nothing bad. Well, yeah, I guess it is. Today, I realized I have daddy issues that I need to deal with.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Joshua asked softy.

“Eventually, yeah, but not right now. He’s been in my mind a lot today, and right now I want to focus on us.” Marcus lifted his face, and Joshua met him halfway.

The kiss felt different somehow, more content. They had only been apart for five days. The were feeling more secure as individuals, having engaged fully in their separate lives. Their passion wasn’t the result of urgent need. Instead, each felt the need to share who they were with the other; to give rather than receive.

Joshua stood, pulling Marcus with him towards the door. It was too early to go to bed, but they ended up in the bedroom anyway. Neither said anything, but they seemed have the same idea.

They hungrily watched each other remove clothes. Joshua let his chinos fall, standing before Marcus in a pair of red bikini briefs. His eyes were riveted on Marcus’ hands as they lowered the zipper of his skin-tight jeans. Joshua didn’t have ask. He knew what Marcus was about to reveal, but knowing didn’t make it any less exciting. Marcus watched Joshua watch him. He slowly peeled the black denim back.

“Fuck!” Joshua gasped.

“Okay,” Marcus teased.

After several appreciative moments staring at the man before him, Joshua climbed into bed. He left behind his last article of clothing just as he had the night they met. He no longer had any inhibitions.

“I love you, Marcus.” Joshua couldn’t tear his eyes away from the thin, solid young man climbing over him.

“I love you, Joshua.” Marcus hovered over his boyfriend, staring deeply into his eyes.

There were no monologues or quotations, and nobody was counting steps. Neither was thinking of the past or the future. They were present in that moment as their bodies came together, two men coming together in love, becoming one.

The End

Joshua and Marcus return in:

A Land of Lincoln Thanksgiving

The Liberty Cooperative (future story)