We Hold These Truths to be Self-Evident - 1. Let Freedom Ring

Spring 2024

“Have a fantastic weekend!” He directed an energetic smile straight into the camera and waved to the faces on the screen before ending the video call.

It was seven after five. He closed the lid of his laptop. It had been a long and busy week, but somehow Joshua still felt as if he had accomplished very little. Leaning back, he closed his eyes tightly and allowed air to fully inflate his lungs. He held his breath and counted to twenty before exhaling slowly. Pushing back from the large, modern desk, Joshua stood, extending to his full six feet.

“A fantastic weekend.” The words echoed through his mind.

Joshua couldn’t remember the last weekend he would have described as fantastic. He stepped from his office and into the large open living space of his dream home. His sock-covered feet carried him the fifteen steps to the fridge. He felt compelled to count each one, as he often did.

As the door swung open, Joshua’s eyes landed on the take-out containers from Mario’s. There were enough meals to last several days. He had purchased them while out for lunch, hoping that he wouldn’t need to leave the house again until Monday. Deciding he wasn’t hungry, Joshua ignored the food and reached for a beer.

From the island, he surveyed the immaculate and bright living room before him. Joshua had designed everything himself, working closely with the architect, then the builder, and finally the decorator. He received the keys just over a year ago.

The pandemic had allowed him to move away from Chicago, while still running his successful software development firm remotely. The four-thousand square foot house sat in a remote area which backed up to the Sangchris Lake State Park. He had purchased a farm with over five hundred acres to secure the location. Much of that land was now leased to neighboring farms.

Joshua wanted to love his home. It was everything he had wanted and more, a functional monument to his success. That description felt apt. The space was grand certainly, but it felt lifeless. He envisioned the large statue of Abraham Lincoln in Washington looking out towards Capitol Hill from behind fluted columns. He felt as alive as the marble man.

Abraham Lincoln had always fascinated Joshua, as he has so many others. The mystery that surrounded him was as interesting as the facts. He had been intrigued by a click bait article midway through the morning: “Abraham Lincoln, The First Gay President?” The long-dead president had been haunting his thoughts ever since he read it.

Fifteen minutes on a wiki page dedicated to the Illinois native’s sexuality had not really substantiated the articles claim. It hadn’t disproved it either.

“Joshua Fry Speed was kind of cute though.” Joshua mumbled as remembered the early photo of Lincoln’s first law partner and lifelong friend. Lincoln had apparently shared a bed with Joshua Fry Speed for over four years. Joshua spent several minutes fantasizing about sharing more than a first name with the young man.

He was very interested in successful men who loved other men. That fact would have shocked everyone who knew him. Joshua had worked hard to get where he was, but he had worked even harder on his public persona. Things had changed some since the nineties and early two thousands in the Midwest, but not a lot. His parents and older sister still lived in the Lincoln Park neighborhood of Chicago. He couldn’t imagine how they would react to learning who he really was.

The lightly carbonated liquid burned his dry throat as he took a long drink from his can. Unbuttoning several shirt buttons, Joshua made his way through the living room to the French doors which led out to a large deck. Late spring in central Illinois was particularly delightful after the long, cold winter. He looked out over his large, flat back yard flanked by the tall government-owned trees standing like soldiers at attention.

“Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth, on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.” He stood at the railing directing his impromptu oration to the timber warriors at the back of his property. Abraham Lincoln was still a live presence in Joshua’s brain.

He laughed at his own theatrics.

Lincoln’s now famous words were, at the time, meant to dedicate land in Gettysburg as a memorial to dead young men, their final resting place. America was slaughtering her boys because many didn’t believe it self-evident that all men were, in fact, created equal. Martin Luther King, Jr. attempted to remind the nation of that fact again one hundred years later, while standing in front the Lincoln’s likeness.

Joshua had seen segregation and racial inequality first-hand growing up in the city. His neighborhood was mostly white, and mostly wealthy. The infamous Cabrini-Green housing developments were only five blocks from his home.

He suddenly felt like a fraud. He always did when he thought about the lack of equality or the suppression of mankind’s inalienable rights. He was a white man and straight as far as the world knew. He was successful. He was privileged. Joshua knew that he no right to claim injustice, and yet he felt it every day.

“It’s all a lie! I am a fucking lie!” Beer poured over Joshua’s hand and onto the new grass below as he crushed the half full can. Tears were soon seeping into the ground as well.

It had been a long time since he last cried; it had been a long time since he last felt any strong emotion beyond loneliness. The release brought with it a lightness, making it easier to think about his life outside of work. At least it would have, if Joshua had a life outside of work.

“I don’t want to live like this. I can’t.” Joshua set aside the speeches of might-have-been-gay presidents and eloquent black ministers. He looked inward, seeing a history of loneliness and the promise of future misery. It was several minutes before he pulled his focus back into the physical word. The brief lightness he had felt so briefly was gone, swallowed by his dark emotions.

“Yep, another fantastic weekend!” Joshua was morose as he carried the mangled beer can back inside. He wanted something stronger.

. . .

He slowed the powerful German SUV to a crawl, driving past the crowded bar for the fourth time. Joshua could feel the music washing over the long line of colorful people waiting to get in. Joshua wondered again what it was like inside. He wasn’t sure he was brave enough to find out.

The last bottle of Scotch, now empty, had been the catalyst to leave the house. Edinburg was much closer if he had only wanted to replace it. Joshua, however, felt a rare but profound need to be with other humans. As much as he liked Lincoln, Joshua preferred the company of the living.

His dream home had become just another self-made prison. Confinement felt safe and easy, but the isolation, made much worse by the pandemic, had turned him into a recluse. He felt like Gollum, withering away with only his secrets for companionship. He was still self-aware enough to dislike the creature he was becoming.

Joshua had driven to Springfield with no real plan. A peak at Lincoln’s lit-up historic home was the excuse he had used to get downtown, but once there he couldn’t avoid the magnetic pull of this forbidden place. There were many bars, safe bars, in the city. This was the only one he felt afraid to enter. But like a moth to a flame, he couldn’t stay away.

The man at the door made eye-contact with Joshua again. He looked alert, as a tight frown melted his expression. Joshua had an analytical mind. He was curious and creative, collecting data that he then processed. Like counting steps, observation and reason were automatic.

“What’s it going to be Joshua? Time to make a choice before he calls the cops.” He didn’t blame the bouncer. There were those who would proudly and violently deny others their inalienable rights. Attacks on gay bars were sadly all too common. The penetrating and aggressive gaze of the suspicious, over-muscled man and the resulting thoughts made Joshua feel sick.

He almost drove home, but instead turned by the old capitol building on South Fifth street and made another trip around the block. Rather than passing the building again, Joshua turned left on North Fourth Street and pulled into a darkened lot. He turned off the engine, but he didn’t make a move to get out of the car. Once more, he leaned back with his eyes closed sucking in as much air as his lungs could hold.

“One, two, three…” Joshua counted to twenty before releasing the breath and opening his eyes. His finger, driven by fear, moved towards the ignition button. He felt the lightly textured plastic before letting his hand drop.

“Fuck it!” He quickly stepped out into the night before he could talk himself out of it. The SUV chirped as Joshua pressed the lock button. He turned toward the sidewalk counting each step as he quickly walked towards his forbidden fantasy.

“What the fuck am I doing?” He almost laughed. He was normally well spoken and didn’t often use profanity. Maybe he would try swearing more often; The release felt good.

“Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!” Joshua turned the corner onto East Washington Street. Twenty-three steps later he was at the back of the line.

He glanced down at his tan loafers and navy chinos while smoothing his starched gingham dress shirt with his hands. He looked up at the people in front him. A nervous laugh escaped, causing the dark-haired young man in front of him to glance back. His appearance was in stark contrast to Joshua’s. He wore skin-tight black jeans and an open yellow silk shirt that made his canary yellow flip-flops look tame.

“What’s so funny cute stuff? Damn, you look fine.” Joshua stood frozen in place as the man twirled around. His eyes were drawn to the flesh clearly visible through the transparent black undershirt before him. With a small giggle of his own, the young man reached up, his painted fingers deftly unfastening another two buttons of Joshua’s light blue and white checked shirt.

“Mmmm, yum! That’s better.” With a wink, the twenty-something almost flopped back around and moved forward with the line. Several seconds later, Joshua was pushed gently forward by a quiet clearing of a throat behind him.

He was in a haze. Joshua forgot to count his steps as he worked his way to the front of line. He didn’t even register the pounding music now washing over and through him, despite being much louder outside the protective shell of his BMW.

“ID,” the bouncer said loudly to be heard over the music.

Joshua could feel his penetrating gaze as his fingers fumbled for the requested card. He awkwardly freed it from his wallet and handed it to the man without raising his eyes.

“You know, there are only a few reasons a man drives by multiple times and refuses to make eye contact.” His tone wasn’t kind, but it also wasn’t angry.

Joshua didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t say anything as he took his license back from the man. He nervously looked up, unsure of what he was supposed to do next.

“Arms out to the sides, man. Legs apart.” Joshua quickly complied. The large man traced the lines of his body with an electronic wand. The device didn’t require physical contact to function, but that didn’t stop the man from rubbing it firmly up the inside of Joshua’s right leg, softly grazing his crotch before working back down the left. Joshua couldn’t control the whimper that escaped.

“A first timer then,” the large man laughed. “Have fun!”

“Fuck.” It was clearly the word of Joshua’s Friday evening.

Joshua shuffled slowly forward, passing through the open doorway. He had only circled the bar a few times, and he hadn’t blown his horn – yet. That thought made him smile. He didn’t think God had led him here as He led his namesake to Jericho, but maybe. His grandma always said God worked in mysterious ways. Joshua wasn’t ready to call this the promised land, but walls were certainly crashing down.

. . .

“Thanks!” Joshua traded a twenty-dollar bill for a glass of soda water with a slice of lime. The bartender, likely a college kid, looked at him quizzically. He smiled and shrugged. The thin, blond kid grinned, pocketed the bill and moved down the bar.

Joshua was feeling lightheaded. He left his house intending to find whiskey and human interaction. It had been an hour since he had entered the bar, and he had found neither. He stuck to carbonated water and had only said a few words to avoid being rude. The sounds and sights were overwhelming, but not more so than the emotions he was feeling. Joshua didn’t trust himself to keep anything stronger down.

He felt uncomfortable and out of place but also a strange sense of belonging. He hadn’t known what to expect. There were men in drag, which wasn’t a surprise. There were plenty of woman there as well. People congregated in every combination he could imagine. He saw same and opposite gender couples. There were homogenous and mixed groups, both large and small.

The energy was palpable, feeling much more like dance club than a bar. Swiveling on the stool he had claimed, Joshua scanned the large open floor. People seemed happy. He thought of the Irish sports bar he typically frequented. Comparatively, that was like attending mass, or maybe a funeral. There were rules and protocol, expectations which felt almost solemn. He supposed that was true here as well, although he couldn’t easily identify the rules through subtle observation.

“Hey stud.” The familiar voice made him jump. It was slightly higher in pitch than it had been outside. The dark-haired man sounded almost nervous, but that might have been a byproduct of the fluorescent blue liquid he carried in a plastic hi-ball glass. The drink seemed appropriate against the hi-lighter yellow silk, now hanging entirely off the young man’s shoulders.

“Ah, hey.” Joshua was trying not to stare. He wasn’t typically attracted to soft bodies like the one before him, but the magic of this forbidden realm somehow extended his natural proclivities. His eyes got stuck on the sliver of exposed skin below the see-through mesh top and above the very low-rise jeans. If the guy was wearing underwear, they sat even lower on his hips than the jeans.

“My eyes are up here, honey.” Jerking his eyes upwards, Joshua was relieved to see the huge smile on the face in front of him.

“Sorry,” he said shyly. Joshua was always confident. It was a large part of his carefully crafted persona. But he found it impossible to play that role now. He felt disoriented and suddenly vulnerable.

“I’m Marcus. First time, huh?” The sudden compassion in the man’s eyes was jolting. Joshua had just been caught ogling this stranger’s barely concealed assets, something he wouldn’t normally do in plain sight. It felt strange to see such a caring expression on the face of such a flamboyant caricature. He realized how prejudiced his perception of Marcus was. His eyes began to water as he grew angry with himself.

“Yeah, but I should get going.” Joshua tried to keep his voice level, but it cracked as he tried to talk above the noise. He quickly turned towards the door but was stopped by a firm hand on his shoulder. He looked down and saw Marcus’ long, black painted nails.

“Hey, deep breath man. Follow me.” Joshua thought about jerking away and running for the exit, but he allowed himself to be ushered towards the back of the bar.

Marcus led Joshua past the bathrooms, glancing the men’s room before quickly pushing through a door declaring its use fof employees only. They passed quickly through a small storage area towards a red exit sign. Marcus was now holding Joshua’s shaking hand. He set his drink on a shelf and pressed the crash bar, pulling his fragile ward into the deafeningly quiet and quickly cooling night.

“Sit down and breathe.” Joshua allowed Marcus to guide him down onto a nearby curb. The young man was stronger than he had expected. Damn stereotypes.

Marcus sat next to him and gently rubbed small circles into Joshua’s shoulder muscles. Neither said anything for several minutes as Joshua’s heart rate and breathing returned to something almost resembling normal.

“I remember my first time. I wasn’t out yet. I was 18, a senior in high school. A couple friends and I went to Miami for spring break. I snuck out late one night and managed to lie my way into a crowded club kind of like this one. I was so excited! I was also terrified.

“My Dad’s a minister and my mom teaches at their church’s school. My normal, everyday life was such a lie. I wanted to know what being openly gay felt like. I had a great time, at least for a while.” His words stopped, and Joshua looked up to find tears in Marcus’ eyes as he stared unseeing into infinity.

“What happened?” He wasn’t sure he wanted to know, but he couldn’t leave Marcus alone with his haunted memories.

“I met a hot Latino guy. He was a few years older than I was. We danced. He touched me in ways I had only dreamed about. He spoke to me like I was the only boy in the world that mattered to him.

“He pulled me into the bathroom and started kissing me all over. He was rough, but I was so excited. I was also a little drunk. I don’t even know how it happened, but we were suddenly in the handicap stall and my dick was in his mouth. It felt incredible. No one had ever sucked me off before.

"He turned me around and started licking my ass. I hadn’t even imagined that was something guys did. I was just a kid.” The last sentence died into a whisper and Marcus began shaking with silent sobs.

“You don’t need to talk about it. I’m sorry. Fuck!” There was Joshua’s word again.

“But I do! I’ve never told anyone. I need to tell someone. I don’t even know your name.” Marcus was suddenly laughing, but it wasn’t out of mirth.

“My name is Joshua. I’m gay, but I’ve never told anyone else. Well, I guess the door guy probably has a pretty good idea as well.” Joshua let his confession echo into the night. He had expected to feel something like fear or relief. All he felt was concern for the young man sitting next to him.

Marcus turned his head, his eyes slowly raising to meet Joshua’s. He held out a hand with a question in his expression. Joshua took it in both of his and nodded.

“He raped me.” Just three words, the weight of which were almost too much for either man to bear.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry Marcus.” Joshua didn’t know what else to say. He raised the hand he held and gently kissed it.

“Yeah. Fuck.” Marcus pulled his thin silk shirt back over his shoulders with his free hand before continuing.

“I heard a couple guys talking about you in the restroom. There aren’t many mature virgin asses in the crowd tonight, and none dressed like you. They things they were saying, well I didn’t want your introduction to the queer community to be anything like mine. Stay out of the restroom, okay?” Their eyes met again. Silence hung loudly in the alley.

“Maybe you could chaperone me?” Joshua regretted his words immediately. He felt like such an ass. He started to apologize but was cut off by Marcus’ laughter.

“Perhaps next time you come, we can call it a date, and I'll show you around.” His voice sounded so small, making it obvious that that Marcus was feeling vulnerable himself.

“Thank you, Marcus. This has been a crazy night. It was nothing like what I expected.” He thought about Marcus, eighteen and full of life, being raped by a guy who just wanted to get off in a bar. What made him think it was okay to destroy a young man for a few seconds of pleasure? His thoughts returned to place he had started the evening.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” Joshua hadn’t meant to say those words out loud.

“Huh?” As a law student, Marcus was familiar with the Declaration of Independence. He didn’t understand why Joshua suddenly decided to recite it, however.

“I’ve been stuck on that idea all day. I guess it’s why I’m here in a way.” He paused to reflect and formulate his thoughts.

“I’ve always been gay, but I’ve been afraid to tell anyone. I’ve pretended to be straight to protect my relationships and my career. I have everything I’ve ever dreamed of, accept love. I’m so lonely. It’s killing me.

“I read a stupid article this afternoon that said Lincoln was possibly gay. It made me wonder. Did he leave his lover for politics or his practice? He fought to end slavery, but was he free himself?

“All men are created equal with certain inalienable rights: Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. Many of the men who ratified those words also owned slaves. It has always bothered me that they could believe something so completely, yet not apply them to people with skin darker than their own. That’s what Lincoln was saying in Gettysburg. It is what Martin Luther King, Jr. said again from Lincoln’s Memorial during the March on Washington a hundred years later.

“Did you know the man behind the march was gay. Dr. King and the other organizers picked someone else as the public face to avoid a scandal.” Joshua realized he was rambling. He also noticed that Marcus was beginning to shiver. He rose from the curb, and Marcus followed.

“Finish your argument, counselor. Please?” Marcus was smiling, but his request was sincere.

“You’re freezing.” Joshua put his arm around the younger man.

“We can go back to my place, or we could avoid my depressingly straight roommate and go to yours.” Joshua could find no hint of humor or mockery in Marcus’ tone.

“You wouldn’t escort me to the bathroom, but you’d go home with me?” Joshua wasn’t sure what to think.

Marcus looked deep into Joshua’s eyes.

“Yes.” It was the simple truth, and it surprised them both.

. . .

The men sat together on one of the white leather couches in Joshua’s living room. Marcus was the first guest that had seen the room in person. The liquor stores were closed by the time they got back to Joshua’s car, so they each now held a can of cheap light beer.

“I’m really sorry Marcus.” Joshua broke the comfortable silence with his admission of guilt.

“What do you have to be sorry for?” Marcus wasn’t sure where this unexpected turn was taking the conversation.

“I’ve been feeling sorry for myself for years, wishing people would accept me as I truly am without even giving them the chance. But when I saw you in line, and again in the bar, I let your clothes, words, and mannerisms define you and your worth. I’m gay. I want people to accept me as gay. I judged you for being gay. I am such a hypocrite.” Joshua was getting emotional once more.

“I judged you too,” Marcus said quietly after a short pause.

“How so?” Joshua asked.

“Well, you looked so straight! A lot of straight people come to the bar. It’s like an adventure for them, or maybe more like a trip to the zoo. Let’s go watch the queers tonight!” Marcus was too buzzed to edit his words.

“You thought I wanted to gawk?” Joshua realized again how skewed his point of view was. In a way, he had spent most of the night doing exactly that, as if he were in the audience of a play.

“That’s why I unbuttoned your shirt. I wanted to give you the full experience, figuring you’d have something sensational to tell your buddies over beers. I don’t normally flirt with strangers.” Marcus had a beautiful smile.

“You don’t usually flirt with them, but you do drag them into the alley and ask them to take you home?” Joshua hoped his words were received in the lighthearted manner they were meant.

“Hmm, that was actually a first for me as well.” Marcus suddenly grew serious.

“I almost punched those cum stains in the bathroom. It was like I was back in Miami. I really wanted to hurt them. I wanted to hurt him.” Joshua knew who he meant.

“I’m glad you decided to find me instead.” They stared deeply into each other’s eyes.

Joshua was feeling so many emotions. He had started the day so far in the closet that even he wasn’t sure he was gay. Seventeen hours later, he was sitting on a couch with a young man in a transparent shirt and skintight jeans. He was also pretty certain that he was falling in love.

“Fuck.” Joshua couldn’t stop saying that word.

“What’s wrong?” Marcus’ concern was endearing, cute even.

Standing, Joshua held out his hand to Marcus once more. The invitation was accepted. The men moved close. He didn’t feel like a confident, successful entrepreneur, the embodiment of the American dream. He felt scared and vulnerable, but he also felt freer than he ever had before.

“I don’t know what to do. Will you teach me?” He asked the question softly, but not timidly. He wanted this. He wanted it very badly.

“No.” Marcus wasn’t mean or angry. The love in his voice was incongruent with the response.

“I’m confused,” said Joshua.

“I know. And that is why I will join you in bed to snuggle and to sleep only. You said you had all weekend. Let’s see how you feel tomorrow. If you are less confused, I may have a different answer.” Marcus leaned in and placed a soft kiss on Joshua’s cheek, removing the salty tear which had slid from his moist eyes.

Joshua wrapped the young man in a crushing hug. He was crying again, but this time from wonder and joy. He had never felt so free.

“Let freedom ring!” Marcus didn’t need to ask; he felt it too. Joshua was a man he wanted to love. He allowed himself to be pulled towards the master suite. Joshua counted the forty-three steps. He was standing in front of his king-sized bed, and for the first time in his life, he was not there alone. Abraham Lincoln and Joshua Fry Speed tried unsuccessfully to break into his thoughts again. It was his turn. He vowed never to let fear or expectations define or restrict him again.

They shyly watched each other remove clothes. Joshua let his chinos fall, standing before Marcus in a pair of red boxer briefs. His eyes were riveted on Marcus’ hands as they lowered the zipper of his skin-tight jeans. Joshua was about to get the answer to the question he had been pondering since seeing Marcus’ belly at the bar. Marcus watched Joshua watch him. He slowly peeled the black denim back.

Joshua gasped.

After several appreciative moments staring at the man before him, Joshua climbed into bed. He left behind his last article of clothing as well as his inhibitions.

“Free at last. Free at last. Thank God almighty, we are free at last,” he said as he pulled the naked young man tightly, protectively against his own body.

. . .

Joshua and Marcus spent the next two days exercising their inalienable rights as two men who were created equal. The direction of their lives had changed. For the first time in recent memory, Joshua did in fact, have a fantastic weekend.