Tyler - 12. Chapter 12

Tyler - Chapter 12

When he walked back out to the bedroom Chris was lying on his side, his legs curled up and his hand under his head facing Tyler’s bed. His face was mixed with a look of sadness and fear. Tyler pulled back his blankets and crawled into his own bed, he lay back on the pillows and propped his head up with his hand. He turned his head to Chris who was eyeing him silently.

“You okay?”

He did not answer and his eyes didn’t move from Tyler’s face. Tyler let out a sigh and rolled onto his side facing Chris, he propped his head up on his elbow preparing to say something he’d only ever told Robert. “You know...” he started slowly, “If I were feeling what you were feeling because of what happened to me, I would hate all straight women. Do you think that is fair?”

Chris’s eyes narrowed a little as he seemed to really consider his question. “Did your mom mess with you?” he asked quietly.

Tyler nodded.

“Is that why you are gay?”

Now Tyler was the one to look confused. “What do you mean?”

“Did she turn you off so against women that you turned to men?” His voice was curious and not at all mean, and Tyler had to admire him for that.

“No, I was born gay. People are born gay Chris, it’s not a decision. Do you see my point though? Just ‘cause there’s one bad member of a race out there doesn’t mean they are all bad.”

“Nathan’s bad.”

“Nathan has never hurt you physically has he?”

Chris shook his head.

“And you say some pretty mean things to him. He’s mostly just retaliating.”

Chris lowered his eyes; bringing a hand up to his face, he ran his fingers across his lips. “You don’t hate all women?”

“No not at all. I think I really like Linda. And my boyfriend’s mom is the sweetest lady I ever met.”

“Was your boyfriend here today?”

Tyler nodded.

“I think I saw him. Had a wrapped box with him.”

“That was him.” Tyler reached over to the night stand and grabbed the box, “You want a cookie or something?”

Chris pushed himself up on one arm and nodded. Tyler reached into the box and grabbed a cookie and a brownie, then stretched across the space between the two beds and handed them to Chris who took them tentatively. “His mom made them.”

Tyler put the box back on the table while Chris sat up fully to eat his snacks. He ate slowly and after a few minutes started talking again. “I don’t know why everyone says my dad wasn’t gay. Doesn’t he have to have been gay?”

“I don’t think so Chris. I think maybe he just wanted to feel powerful. By making you feel powerless; to him it made him feel stronger himself. I’d say your father just had some major problems. He may have been gay, I don’t know, but it is possible that he wasn’t at all.”

“I can’t just change the way I feel.” he said, lying back down on his side and crumpling up the saran wrap the treats had been wrapped in. He tossed it across the room and Tyler grinned when it swished right into the trash can.

“I know that Chris. But I feel I should at least tell you what I think. I don’t want you to hate me.”

“I don’t think I hate you Tyler. I think I just hate your kind.”

“Well I don’t really want you hating my kind either. But I don’t expect you to change overnight either. Just think on it some more okay?”

Chris nodded as he pulled the blankets up to his shoulders. He closed his eyes and Tyler closed his.

Linda found him just after breakfast the next morning and led him into her office where he took his usual seat across from her desk. “Well you’ve been here two days now. Are you feeling any better about it?”

To her great elation, Tyler nodded, though she figured she shouldn’t find it too surprising with what he had to compare it too.

“You’ve impressed the hell out of Amy.”

Tyler narrowed his eyes. “Amy? How?” He’d barely spoken two words to the woman.

“Well first and foremost the way you are around Paul. That boy has been here for well over a year and you are the first one to ever come in here and be nice to him.”

“Oh my God,” Tyler said excitedly, “I actually met the real Paul last night.”

Linda’s eyes widened in surprise. “How do you know it was really him?”

“Because he talked like he was sixteen years old. He acted like it too. He didn’t know me at all, I had to reintroduce myself. I guess I’m not sure, I just figured.”

“You probably did. His other personalities are nowhere around his real age. And Paul seems to be the only one in there that is not out all the time. See, he doesn’t remember a lot of things ‘cause his other personalities block him out.”

“He can’t like that?” Tyler asked more than said.

“I don’t know,” Linda shrugged. “But if it hadn’t started to happen he probably wouldn’t even be alive today.”

Tyler nodded, though he really didn’t understand it. “So why did you talk to Robert yesterday?”

“I’m glad you asked,” She said smiling, “I asked him if he knew all that happened to you. If the two of you had discussed it. Really if you talked to him about it.”

“You aren’t gonna ask him what we talk about in detail are you?”

“No, I wouldn’t do that to you. I just wanted to make sure you have talked things out. He says you have. Therefore, I don’t have to sit here and make you rehash your life.”

“So I don’t have to see you anymore?” He asked excitedly.

“Sorry, I’m not gonna let you off Scott free. What we need to focus on now, is how you feel about yourself.”

“I don’t have any problems with myself.”

“You never just start crying? You never get so mad you just want to hurt someone? Maybe even yourself? Do you ever look at other people and wish you were them? Do you feel you are not worthy of a family that will treat you well? And your mom will be getting out of jail when you are nineteen, how do you feel about that? How do you get along with kids at school?”

Tyler held his hand up. “Okay, okay, I see your point.” he said angrily.

“I’m not trying to rile you Tyler. I’m just trying to get you to see that there are some things you need help working through simply by what you were raised with. It’s not just you that’s having these problems. Anyone who was raised in situation like yours would have a lot of the same issues. How else would I be able to rattle off a list like that?”

Tyler looked up at her and nodded, curtly feeling only marginally better. “I’ve never wanted to hurt myself. Or anyone else.”

“Was there anything else in my list you don’t feel or do?”

Looking at the floor he slowly shook his head.

“When was the last time you broke down crying?”

“Day I was told I had to come here.”

“Well you had reason for that one. It’s not easy to hear you gotta spend time in a mental facility. Must have been a real blow for you.”

Tyler nodded emphatically, as he began to chew on his nail.

“You wanna tell me what you were feeling exactly?”

“I was feeling like I failed. Like everyone had had it with me and were shipping me off, ‘cause they didn’t want to deal with me anymore.”

“Are you still feeling that?”

“Sorta, not about Robert anymore, but about my social worker. I can’t figure that lady out. Sometimes she seems real nice and other times she seems like she can’t stand me. I met her son, he told me she really cares about me but when I talk to her I don’t really see it.”

“So you don’t really trust her?”

“No, I guess not.” He shook his head and dropped his hand down into his lap.

“What does she do that makes you think she can’t stand you?”

“She says things like I’m tired of you, and she’s at the end of her rope with me. And I just don’t know what to do with you.”

Linda nodded, though those things weren’t things she should be saying, she was convinced of the fact that Karen really did care very much for the boy. “I think she says those things Tyler just ‘cause she’s frustrated. She wouldn’t get so frustrated with you if she didn’t care.”

“Why does she get frustrated?”

“Because you don’t tell her when there’s a problem. You get angry with her a lot. I think you do that to avoid her questions. Does that sound logical to you?”

He nodded meekly. “I guess.”

“You willing to tell me why you don’t speak up when you are being hurt in a placement?”

Tyler sighed and hung his head to one side. “Not really.”

“Okay, but I want you to work on being able to tell me. I think it’s important we work through whatever the reason is, so that in the future you’ll speak up when you need help.”

“Can I ask a question?” He leaned forward and rubbed his calf.

“Of course.”

“How much money do these families get for taking me in?”

“I’m not sure Tyler, I think it’s somewhere between six and eight hundred dollars a month.”

“I’m sixteen now,” he said, mentally calculating. “I’ll be seventeen in April. Why couldn’t they just give me that money and I could get my own place. Given these families track record I’d be much better off taking care of myself. I know I’d be good to myself.” He said grinning at her. “Why do they keep having to waste all that money on people who don’t use it for what they’re supposed to use it for. Because I would see my needs were met too.”

Linda grinned back at him. “You don’t see any of the money these families get? They are supposed to give you money for clothes and stuff.”

“I’ve never seen a cent. Only reason I get clothes is ‘cause Karen takes me shopping before each new home.”

“Have you told her this?”

“No,” he squeaked out, “But it wouldn’t do any good. They are all nice and sucking up when she’s around. They’d just say they’d do better. But it wouldn’t happen.”

“Well I’m sorry Tyler, but I do not see the state letting a sixteen, almost seventeen year old live on their own. I know what you are saying, and it doesn’t seem fair they would keep putting you where you are not taken care of, rather then just let you do it yourself. But they aren’t meaning to place you with mean people. They are trying to help you.”

“Can’t you at least talk to Karen about it? See what she’ll say?”

Linda nodded. “I will Tyler, but please don’t get your hopes up.” he laughed a small laugh, which told her he’d not gotten his hopes up about anything in a long time.

“Well your group should be meeting up for recreational therapy about now. I hear you are making decorations for the Christmas tree.”

“Oh goody!” Tyler said, clapping his hands together in mock excitement. She grinned at him as they both stood up and rounded the desk. She put her hand on his shoulder and squeezed it.

“I think you are doing pretty well for you circumstances Tyler. There are just a few things we need to work on then you’ll be back out of here with your friends.”

“How long?”

“Don’t know, at least the thirty days, but I may recommend another thirty. Barring any major complications I don’t see you staying more then sixty days. But I’m still gonna want to see you once a week on an outpatient basis.”

“So I get to come back here and not to that twit I was seeing before.”

Linda smiled, feeling truly complimented. “Yes, won’t do you much good to see someone you dislike.”

“I agree.” he nodded as they walked out of the office. She led him to the room where rec therapy was going on, then walked off down the hall.

Tyler walked into the room that was filled with gym mats. His ‘group’ was sitting around on the floor with cotton balls, construction paper, glue, pipe cleaners, glitter and bunches of other stuff all strewn amongst them.

Paul, who was on the floor by Amy a good distance from the other kids, turned and waved to him. Tyler smiled and walked over to them. “Can I sit with you?”

Paul nodded another huge smile filling his face. He got down on his knees then sat back on his butt.

“Any problems last night?” Amy asked.

“None.” he said shaking his head.

“You wouldn’t lie to me would you?”

He grinned at her. “Really he was fine. No biting honest.”

“No biting.” Paul repeated and Amy ruffled his hair. “Good job Paul.”

“Mm, mm,” he muttered. “No biting.”

Tyler couldn’t get over how much Paul’s behavior at times reminded him of someone who was autistic. How, he just seemed so lost in his own world and only caught snatches of conversation here and there, which he repeated now and then.

Feeling better then he had in a long time and wanting to have a little fun he looked over at Amy. “You know I don’t need you kissing my shrinks ass for me.”

Her eyes widened in surprise, and he let her struggled for words for a bout two seconds, before he started chuckling. “I’m just kidding with you.”

Her face immediately filled with relief.

“You got a mean spirit in you boy.” She said with a huge grin.

“I guess I do.” he was still chuckling a little and it felt good as hell. “Thanks for the compliment though, with her I mean.”

“I only give them when they are due Tyler. There’s no need to thank me.” she glanced over at Paul stifled a laugh and said. “Oh, Paul!”

Tyler looked at Paul, who had proceeded in the minute they weren’t looking at him, to glue the cotton balls all over his face. He grinned widely beneath them and Amy and Tyler both could not help but laugh at him. When Amy started pulling them off, he flopped over his back and wriggled under her hand to try and get away, though his giggles filled the room.

Amy straddled him with an arm and her legs, giggling right back at him. He drew his knees up pressing, them against her chest and tried to pry her cotton picking hand away.

Tyler found it a little odd that she was playing with him in this way. Like maybe she was supposed to not go along with such childish behavior, but her being the psychologist he didn’t bring it up.

After picking off all the cotton, she pulled a wet wipe out of a bag he always saw her with and wiped his face, which got him wriggling and giggling all over again. Apparently Tyler’s feelings were written all over his face, ‘cause as soon as Amy sat up and looked at him she smiled.

“You’ve got to interact with all his personalities Tyler. Otherwise you can’t work with them at all, and get them working together as one in there.”

“How did you know what I was thinking?”

“Most people think it. Paul can’t help the way he is. He was made that way by unspeakable abuse. He had to separate his mind ‘cause it was too much for one mind to take. He’s got a family in his head. One that helped see him through all the atrocities that were done to him. Now that he doesn’t need them to protect him anymore, we need to integrate them. Get them all working together, so Paul’s mind can resurface and start taking control again.”

“The real Paul does come out though doesn’t he?”

“Once in a great while. Paul himself is a very sweet kid. He’s scared as hell though, that’s why he only comes out once in a while, only when he feels it’s absolutely safe.”

Tyler looked down at Paul who was still lying on his back, his knees drawn up and his hand flung up on top of his head. He was staring at the ceiling blankly, while his fingers twittered back and forth.

“I’ve worked with over a hundred multiple people. Paul is most definitely the funniest. He never gets hostile, he only likes to play and he loves to be held. He’s only got one adult personality, and he never surfaces, so he’s got a literal plethora of kids in his head. Kids that play and laugh, like he didn’t get to do when he was a kid. They are living out the childhood he missed out on.”

“The fact that Paul was able to dissociate himself at all in the first place, means he is a very strong person. He did what he had to do to survive. If he hadn’t, his mind would have closed off completely and no one would ever get him back. This way he’s still there, he’s just hiding most of the time. We’ll get him back but it’s gonna take time and patience.”

“Are you telling me all this ‘cause you want me to help you?” Tyler asked, getting that distinct impression.

Amy shook her head. “I just want you to be his friend. I don’t want you to be scared of him. There’s absolutely nothing to be afraid of. He’d never hurt anyone.”

“Well I already am his friend.” Tyler said, smiling back down at Paul who was still staring at the ceiling. “I’m serious,” he said looking back at her, “I really do like him.”

She smiled warmly and patted his arm. “You are a sweet kid too. You’ll find a good friend in Paul, several of them.” she said with a wry grin which Tyler returned.

Linda walked back in the room and over to Nathan who was stringing together paper rings. He shot her a dirty look at whatever she was saying, but got up and followed her out of the room, flinging his paper chain down behind him. Dean, now left alone, gathered up the paper and walked on his knees over to where Tyler was. “I lost my buddy. Can I sit with you guys?”

Tyler nodded. “Where’d your buddy go?”

“Session.”

“You mean talk to Linda?”

Dean nodded grinning at him. “Not used to mental place vocabulary yet are you?”

Chuckling Tyler shook his head. “So what is she, the therapist for everyone in our group.”

Dean nodded again. “Cept Paul, he gets his own personal therapist.” He said, smiling over at Amy who smiled back at him.

“You boys mind staying with him for a few minutes.” She nodded down to Paul who was still staring at the ceiling. “I’d like to get in on a meeting if I could.”

Tyler nodded, saying it was no problem. Amy thanked him then got up and left the room.

“You gotta make something man, or the warden will get mad.” Dean said, working on making some more paper rings.

Tyler sorted through his cotton balls, separating them out by size. He started gluing them together by three biggest on bottom and smallest on top. “Nathan still pissed at me?”

“Nah, he don’t remember what he’s pissed from one minute to the next.”

“Why’s he here?”

“Manic depressive. He’s only here long enough to get him on some meds that work. The ones they’ve tried so far haven’t helped at all and it takes 30 days for them to take effect. He’s been here three months already and they just started a new drug like three days ago. Did you find out how long you are here for yet?”

“She said this morning probably thirty or sixty days.”

“Wow that’s good. Too bad you don’t have a home to look forward to going to.”

Tyler smiled a lopsided smile, nodding in agreement. “I do kinda like it here. Think I should act crazier then I am?”

“You better not.” A familiar voice said from above him. He turned and looked up, then smiled widely seeing Connor there behind him. He got to his feet and gave him a big hug and kiss. “What are you doing here? Why aren’t you in school?”

“There’s a full blown blizzard outside.” He said, as Tyler sat back down pulling Connor down with him. “School got called off so I came here. Your therapist said I could come make decorations with you.” he said grinning.

“That’s a good idea, that way you can’t pick on me down the road for doing it.” He said, sliding some cotton balls and a tube of glue over to him.

Connor chuckled and nodded as he picked a couple up.

Tyler looked at Dean, who was staring over at Connor. “Connor this is Dean, Dean this is Connor.”

They both smiled at each other and shook hands. “Welcome to the nuthouse.” Dean said grinning.

Connor chuckled again. “I thought I felt like I belonged.”

Dean laughed and shook his head. “You’re pretty funny.”

Connor shrugged and looked over at Paul. He smiled sadly, then leaned over him so Paul could see his face. “Hey Paul, it’s me Connor, remember me? We used to peek up girls skirts when they were on the monkey bars.”

Tyler chuckled, not having realized that Connor had been at least somewhat friends with Paul before.

Paul’s hand came up and his fingers traced down Connor’s face. Connor smiled at him though, it was obvious what he was seeing was making him very sad. He sat back up on his legs and reached into his back pocket. “I brought today’s love letter with me. Figured why mail it. You can’t read it while I’m here though.”

Tyler nodded as he took it and stuffed it in the pocket of his robe. “So are the rumors flying at Norton?”

“Little bit. I’ve just told ‘em all to fuck off.”

Grinning, Tyler reached over Dean and picked up some black beads he intended to use as buttons and eyes. “Tell your mom I loved her treats.”

“Tell her yourself. She’s coming to see you this weekend.”

Tyler’s face lit up. “Really?”

“Of course. You are a future in law.”

Dean chuckled and Connor smiled at him.

“She really doesn’t care that her kid’s boyfriend is in a mental place?”

“She only cares because she likes you so much Tyler. She doesn’t think you are crazy, she just figures maybe you need some confidence.”

Tyler nodded knowing that was true.

“We’re gonna come see you on Christmas too. Mom tried to get you out for the day, but they said since you were in your first thirty days you couldn’t, but we could come here if we wanted.”

“You guys don’t have to spend your holiday here with me.”

“Well we’re gonna, so don’t give me any lip.” he paused and put his finger to his lip. “I mean back talk. You can give me lip all you want.”

Dean chuckled again as his eyes remained on his work.