Reap the Whirlwind - 6. Chapter 6

I made it to church Sunday morning, much to the approval of my parents, then spent the afternoon hanging out with Aidan. I was getting ready for bed later that night when my phone started vibrating. It was Joey calling to ask if he could come over. He sounded serious so I quickly agreed. He was at the door in minutes.

"How'd you get here so quick?" I asked as I let him in.

"I was already in the parking lot." He pushed past me in a cloud of alcohol fumes and glanced around uneasily. "Can we talk somewhere private?"

"Have you been drinking?"

He rolled his eyes. "Private?"

I frowned but decided not to push it. Instead, I shrugged and led him to my bedroom. Joey had started drinking in middle school. Sometimes, Laura and I joined in, feeling grown-up and rebellious, but he took it far more seriously than we did. Laura thought he had a problem, but I always defended him, saying he just liked to have fun and let loose. I didn't like when he drove drunk, though, and he'd obviously driven over here after drinking.

He followed me into my room, but even after I closed the door, he still seemed agitated.

"Can Aidan hear us?" he asked.

"I don't know. Jeez. Maybe. What's this about?"

"Can we go somewhere else?"

I remembered my last serious, late-night conversation, and opened the window.

"After you," I said with a mock bow and a sweeping gesture toward the fire escape.

Joey quickly climbed out, and I followed.

"Damn, this would be a sweet place to smoke weed," he said, leaning on the railing and looking out over the river.

"You're smoking weed now?" The words slipped out before I could stop them.

"Oh, grow up, Will," he said with a sharp look in my direction. "Everybody smokes. It's legal now. You sound like your mom, and I thought we were finally free from her nagging."

I frowned again. "Whatever. What's this all about? Why all the secrecy?"

He took a deep breath and turned away again. "There's no easy way to say this so, uh, I guess I'll just say it."

"Say what?" I was getting nervous.

"I just thought you should know that there are rumors going around campus that Aidan is gay."

I sat for a moment trying to decide what to say. It wasn't my place to out my roommate, but, then again, he had said he wasn't exactly in the closet. I decided to take a cautious approach.

"What is this high school?" I said with a little laugh. "I thought we left that dumb kid stuff behind when we graduated."

He shot me a look. "It's not dumb."

"I mean, who is spreading these rumors, and, more importantly, why do they care?"

He turned to face me. "I heard it from a girl in one of my classes."

"How does that even come up in class?"

He threw up his hands. "What difference does it make? You're missing the point."

"Seriously, though. How did that come up?"

"The professor said something about diversity and inclusion, and someone else asked if that included queers, and he said yes, and I made a joke that Pemberton is a glorified community college, not some fancy-pants school for fairies, and a bunch of people jumped all over me saying that there are LGBQRSTUV or whatever students at Pemberton and I needed to be more sensitive, so I said name one, and she rattled off a list of names, most of 'em I've never heard of, but one of them was Aidan Scott."

My frown deepened. That seemed very not cool to just share the personal information of a bunch of people in the middle of class like that. "How do you know she's not just making stuff up? Or maybe there's another Aidan Scott."

"Oh yeah, sure. That's such a common name. And of course I asked how she knew, and she said he was at some queer club the night before."

I did recall him mentioning attending an LGBTQ student group when he'd told me about himself.

I sighed. "Well, I don't really feel like it's my place to say anything, but if the cat's already out of the bag..."

Joey looked confused. "What?"

I shrugged. "Aidan is gay. Or bi. I don't know. None of my business."

A range of emotions played across his face — confusion morphed into understanding, followed by surprise, then settled on contrite. "Oh man, Will, I'm sorry about getting you into this—" He broke off as confusion re-entered the chat. "Wait a minute, you knew?"

"Yeah."

"For how long?"

"Since the night I moved in."

"Did he like...hit on you or something?"

"No! Jeez, Joey. Nothing like that. He just felt like he should tell me since I'd be living here and all."

"He should have told you before you moved in!"

"Yeah, he admitted that and apologized."

"And you're just...okay with it?"

"You said yourself that he's a really nice guy. And he is. That didn't change."

"Yeah, but he's...gay. Why didn't you say anything?"

"Because it's Aidan's life. He can tell who he wants. He only told me because we were going to be living together. But also because I don't want my dad to find out. Can you imagine? He'd totally lose it."

I laughed, but Joey just turned to stare out over the water, clearly processing everything I'd said.

After a few minutes of heavy silence, I took a deep breath.

"Hey, Joey? As long as we're getting things out in the open, I do have something I need to tell you."

Joey looked over nervously at me, almost as if he knew what was coming and didn't want to hear it. His muscles tensed, and, for a second, I thought he was going to bolt, but with an almost visible effort, he stayed still.

"A few weeks ago, when I broke up with Beth, she said something that really upset me."

He relaxed slightly. "Yeah, I remember. You wouldn't tell me about it in the car. I asked, but you said you didn't want to talk about it."

"Right. Anyway, part of what she said involved Laura, so I asked her about it."

"Was that when I found you guys down by the river?"

"Yeah. I...well...it upset Laura, but she was honest with me. She backed up what Beth said, then she went on to ask me something that has been bugging me ever since. I think I finally understand what she was trying to tell me."

Joey looked away again and his hands tightened on the railing. I wondered if Laura had talked to him or if he just suspected. Or maybe I was just on high alert and reading things into it that weren't there. After all, Joey wasn't the most perceptive or sensitive guy in the world.

"I thought she looked like she was crying," he said, "but Laura never cries so I just thought it was reflections off the water."

"It wasn't the water. She was crying. Joey, Laura asked me if I was in love with you."

"What?" He spun toward me, his eyes wide. "I can't believe Laura would ask something like that! Don't worry about it, Will. I'll straighten things out."

"Joey..."

"I mean that's the craziest thing I've ever heard..."

"Joey..."

"She must have lost her fucking mind!"

"Joey! Listen to me. She's not crazy. She's right. I am."

He froze and stared at me. wild-eyed.

"I... I am in love with you."

I don't know what I expected him to say. That he loved me back? That he was cool with it? But he didn't say anything. He just stared.

"Joey?"

No response. It was like he was frozen.

"Joey, say something."

He blinked, then finally said, "So...you're, like, gay?"

I sighed. "I...don't know."

"You don't know? What do you mean you don't know? Either you like dick or you don't." He stopped as a horrified expression crossed his face. "Fuck! Do you want my dick?"

"No! God. And it's not that simple. I mean, maybe I'm just bi..."

"Just bi?" His tone suggested that wasn't any better.

"Or maybe it's nothing," I added quickly. "I mean, I know I love you but that doesn't mean anything, right? We're still buds. Hey, it took me two weeks just to admit that."

He stared at me for a few seconds with an unreadable look in his face, then abruptly raked his hands through his hair and spun away. "You mean you love me like a bro or like a fa—" He stopped himself. "Like a gay guy?"

I moved to stand next to him. He didn't turn to look at me.

"I mean, I do love you like a brother, but also...also, maybe more than that."

He didn't say anything, but his fingers curled around the railing and squeezed until his knuckles turned white. I reached out a hand and laid it on his arm, but he snatched away like my touch burned his skin.

"Joey? I..."

"Look, Will, I don't know what this is about. Maybe Aidan's, like, brainwashed you already, or Laura put this in your head. I don't know. I mean, we've been best friends forever, but this is... I just... If you're suddenly into dudes then you're not the same guy I've known for all these years."

"Of course I'm the same guy. Nothing's changed."

"Everything's changed!" he shouted.

I was growing frustrated as well. "It's not like I just woke up one morning and decided to like guys. It's... I guess it's always been there. I just wasn't ready to face it."

"What about Beth?"

"There was never anything with Beth. You, of all people, know that."

He dragged a hand over his face. "Fuck. Introducing you to Aidan was a huge mistake."

"This doesn't have anything to do with Aidan. It started a long time before he came on the scene. Laura's apparently known for years."

"Well, I didn't know," he snapped. "Fuck. Fuck! I don't think I can handle this. I don't know what you want..."

"I don't want anything." I reached out toward him again, but he threw himself backward, his back pressing up against the railing behind him.

"Don't touch me!" He shook his head as if to clear it. "Look, there's no way I can be friends with a gay guy. I just can't. So you get yourself straightened out and then let me know, but until then, don't call me."

"You can't be serious..."

"I am. I'm not gonna be associated with a fag." He spat the last word.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My head was spinning, and a dull roar began building in my ears. I almost missed what he said next.

"I mean it, Will, stay away from me. Don't call me. Just get help."

He turned to crawl back through the window, and without thinking, I grabbed his arm. He shook me off violently and shoved me.

I stumbled back into the railing.

"I said don't touch me!" he shouted.

"Joey...wait..." My vision was blurring with unshed tears. "Nothing has changed..."

"Stop fucking saying that. Everything has changed. Everything. All those nights I spent at your place...or you at mine. All that time you were probably perving on me."

"What? No!"

"Did you ever touch me when I was asleep?"

"No! It's not like—"

"Save it, Will. I can't believe you lied to me all this time."

"I didn't..."

He spun around, kicked the ladder down to the next floor with a loud clang, and started climbing down.

"Joey!" I screamed after him. He didn't even look up. He jumped to the ground and started walking away, never once looking back. "Joey, please!"

"Will?" Aidan called from the window behind me. "I heard shouting. What's going on? Are you okay?"

"No, I'm not okay!" I managed before collapsing into a heap on the metal grill of the fire escape as tears started falling freely.

Aidan was through the window in a flash and kneeling next to me. His strong arms wrapped around me and me pulled tight against his chest while I sobbed on his shoulder.

He let me cry for a few minutes, but when I showed no signs of slowing down, he asked, "What happened? Was that Joey?" His voice rumbled in my ear pressed against his chest.

"Yes," I choked out. "He knows you're gay."

"Oh." He said simply. "I guess he didn't take it well?"

I took a deep, very shaky breath. "He didn't like it, but he really didn't take it well when I told him I was, too."

That confession started me crying all the harder.

Aidan's arms tightened around me.

"Oh, Will. I'm so sorry," he whispered.

For a while, we just sat there, Aidan holding me while I bawled. Eventually, I cried myself out, my seemingly endless flow of tears finally exhausted, along with the rest of me. When my sobs turned to sniffles, Aidan pulled me to my feet and helped me back through the window, led me to the bed and tucked me in, pulling the blankets up to my chin, then sat next to me.

He didn't try to placate me with empty platitudes or assure me everything was okay. He just sat with me, offering comfort with his strong, steady presence.

When even my sniffles had dried up and my eyes started growing heavy, he finally spoke. "Think you'll be okay for tonight?" he asked. "I can stay as long as you need me to."

"I'll be okay," I said, though I sounded less than convincing, even to myself. "Thank you."

"No need to thank me. That's what friends are for." He stood, then hesitated a moment before leaning down and placing a light kiss on my forehead. "I'm right across the hall if you need me."

Then he turned out the light and left the room.

 

I didn't go to work the next day. I didn't even get out of bed. In fact, I had Aidan call in sick for me before he went to school. I spent the whole day sinking deeper and deeper into despair. Dark thoughts swirled endlessly through my mind.

I'd lost Joey.

I'd ruined everything.

My best friend hated me.

What if he told my parents?

My life as I knew it was over.

By the time Aidan got home from his classes and checked on me, my eyes were almost swollen shut from crying on and off all day. He took one look at me and turned back around without saying a word. An hour or so later, he reappeared with a steaming bowl of something.

"Here, eat this," he said.

"I'm not hungry," I mumbled.

"Have you eaten today?"

"No," I admitted in a small voice.

"You need to eat."

"Don't wanna."

"I made chicken noodle soup. From scratch. The least you can do is try it."

I could tell I was fighting a losing battle, so I pushed myself up in bed and let him hand me the bowl of soup. He stood over me while I forced down a few bites, but when my stomach threatened to rebel, he finally accepted defeat and took the bowl away.

I resumed decaying.

Over the next few days, I barely left my room and ate only when Aidan forced me. By Wednesday night, he'd grown so concerned he called in the big guns.

My bedroom door burst open to reveal Laura posed dramatically, deep concern written all over her face, and Aidan peering anxiously over her shoulder.

"God, it stinks in here.," she announced. Then over her shoulder, she added, "You were right to call me."

She swept into the room. "Okay, listen up. I'm super proud of you for being honest, with yourself and that dickhead Joey, but you've wallowed long enough. Time to get up and shower and move on with your life."

"You told her?" I asked Aidan, who was still hiding in the hallway.

"I didn't know what else to do," he said, apologetically.

"Don't blame him. He's worried about you. Now get up."

"But Joey—"

"But Joey nothing. This isn't about him. It's about you. Besides, he'll come around. You know how clueless he is. Just give him some time."

"You weren't there. He was so... angry."

"That's because he hates to be the last one to know something. What you should have done is convinced him that this was all his idea, somehow. Then he'd be bragging about how he always knew and going on about what a great ally he is."

"Laura, it was like he hated me. What if he doesn't come around?"

"He will. I'll make sure of it."

"But what if he doesn't?"

"Then life goes on. Your life will go on. With one less asshole to worry about."

My face must have fallen along with my stomach, because she sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed. "I know this sucks. Your entire persona has revolved around Joey for most of your life. But you have to be your own person eventually. We're all growing up, changing. Learning new things about yourself is just part of the process."

"But Joey—"

"Oh my God! Fuck Joey! Fuck him with a barbed wire dildo. You've devoted far too much of your life to that ungrateful neanderthal already. If he can't see what an amazing, caring, wonderful person you are then he doesn't deserve your friendship, let alone your damn love. Now get your cute little ass out of that bed and take a shower. Now! You reek!"

I stared at her, slack jawed, for several seconds, then we both burst into laughter.

"Fine," I said with a little spark of attitude as I climbed out of bed. I pushed past her and Aidan, went into the bathroom and shut the door.

"How come he didn't listen when I tried to get him to shower?" I heard Aidan ask with an uncharacteristic whine in his voice.

"Sometimes it just takes a woman to get the job done," Laura answered smugly.

The rest of their exchange was drowned out as I started the shower.

Laura's little pep talk did help. I was still sad, but she'd managed to snap me out of my funk enough to function, at least on the most basic level. I wouldn't say I was back to normal, but at least I was about to get up and go to work the next morning.

Over the next few days, Laura checked in often. At home, Aidan treated me like an invalid, insisting on cooking dinner each night. I appreciated their concern, but by the time the weekend rolled around, it was becoming a bit suffocating.

I laid low on Saturday, and on Sunday, I just couldn't bring myself to go to church. I knew Dad would flip out again. I'd only been living with Aidan for a few weeks and I'd already missed two Sundays, but I just didn't feel like going. Maybe it was guilt over the whole gay thing, or maybe it was what Aidan had said about being brainwashed. I'd been thinking a lot about our conversation and, while I was still unsure how I felt about it, a lot of what he'd said had resonated with me, leaving me questioning things I'd long taken for granted.

When I went to work on Monday morning, Dad was waiting in my office. My stomach sank as soon as I saw him. I thought I was about to get another lecture about missing church. It turned out to be so much worse.

"Son," he said, "We need to talk."

"I know. I'm sorry about yesterday. I just wasn't feeling well and—"

"This isn't about missing church again," he interrupted. "You know my feelings on that subject. This is about an anonymous email I received late last night."

I felt my knees buckle, so I quickly sat down. "An anonymous email?" I repeated.

"Yes. The sender made some...concerning accusations," he said, and the room began to spin. I gripped the edge of my desk and tried to keep my breathing regular. "Now, of course, I don't believe them—" His tone suggested otherwise, as did the hint of fear in his eyes. "—but I need to hear it from you."

"What—" My mouth felt bone dry. "What did it say?" I rasped.

"I'll let you read it for yourself," he said as he laid a sheet of paper on my desk.

It was a printed email.

 

Dear Rev Keegan

I think you should know that youre son is living with a homosexual and hes in love with another man

A friend.

 

Some friend.

I knew without even checking the email address that it was from Joey. The spelling mistakes, the improper use of punctuation, calling my father 'Rev Keegan' — something Joey has done since he was a little kid when most people referred to him as Pastor Lowell — they were all Joey's hallmarks. I glanced up at the sender's email address anyway and, sure enough, it was Joey's alt account. He wasn't even smart enough to make a burner. Or maybe he wanted me to know it was from him.

Why would he tell my dad? What did he hope to gain from this?

I wasn't even angry, just defeated. And nauseated. I fought down the urge to projectile vomit all over the sheet of paper and my desk.

"Son?" Dad sounded anxious.

My first instinct was to deny it. An anonymous letter wasn't exactly proof of anything. But the truth was, now that I'd said it out loud and sat with it for several days, I could no longer deny that I was in love with Joey, even if he had rejected me and stabbed me in the back. And if I was in love with a man, that probably made me gay. Right? Isn't that how it worked?

The realization burst through my mind like an atom bomb.

I was gay. Or, at the very least, I was not straight.

But gay felt right, now that I'd allowed myself to think it. I knew at that moment that there was no going back. I was so sick and tired of lying — to myself, most of all.

I raised my eyes to my father's and nodded. "It's true," I said softly.

His spine straightened and his eyes hardened. "That boy you moved in with is a homosexual?"

I nodded.

"And you think you're in love with him?"

I blinked. "What? No!"

Dad looked confused. "But the email says..."

"I'm not in love with Aidan. I've only known him for a few weeks."

"Did you know he was a homosexual when you moved in with him?"

"No. I didn't find out until after."

"Why didn't you tell me? We could have gotten you out of there."

"Because I didn't want to get out of there. It didn't matter to me."

He sputtered. "What do you mean it didn't matter? Of course it matters." Then he stopped, as if he'd just remembered the rest of the email. "But if you're not in love with your roommate..."

"Joey. I'm in love with Joey."

Dad stared at me for a long moment, then sighed. "I hoped it wasn't true. I didn't want to believe it even though I've suspected it myself a number of times."

My eyes widened. He'd thought I was gay, too? It seemed like everyone had known but me. Why hadn't anyone ever said anything to me?

"Does Joey know?" he asked.

"Well, he's the one who sent you this email, so..."

Dad frowned and glanced down at the paper. "Why would he do that?"

"Let's just say he didn't take it so well when he found out."

Dad nodded as if that made perfect sense. He walked over to the window and stared out for what felt like the longest few minutes of my life.

During those interminable minutes, everything began to sink in. I'd come out to my father. And myself fully, for that matter. As the implications of that hit me, it was as if my mind snapped free from its mooring and began to drift away.

Finally, Dad began to speak, his back still to me. "Son, if this is true then we have a decision to make."

I tried to focus on what he was saying, but it seemed like I was listening through a tunnel, watching from a distance. My body was still there, clutching the edge of the desk for dear life, but the rest of me had withdrawn to a safer place.

"If you continue to pursue this lifestyle," he continued, "then you will have to be removed from your position here at the church. We just cannot accept that lifestyle."

From my remote vantage point, I wondered what lifestyle he kept referring to. As far as I knew my lifestyle wasn't any different than it had always been. Aidan seemed to have a pretty decent lifestyle from all I had seen. I decided not to ask, though. That would require going back.

Dad waited for a moment, then turned to face me. His face sagged with the weight of his disappointment. "Will, you are my son and I love you. I will always love you, no matter what. But as the leader of this church, I cannot have my employees living in sin. I cannot accept homosexuality. If this is the life you choose, as your father, I will be deeply saddened, but, as your pastor, I will be forced to take action."

With that, he turned and walked away, his shoulders bent as if he were carrying a great weight. I wanted to scream after him that it wasn't a choice. No one had bothered to ask me if I wanted to fall in love with Joey. No one had asked me if I wanted to be gay! Instead, I just stared at Joey's email on my desk.

I sat for a few minutes after he left, then I went into autopilot. I switched on my computer and typed up a letter of resignation. I printed it out and left it on top of the email, then walked out of the church without another word.

I was sitting in the recliner at home, staring at the TV when Aidan got home.

"Hey, Will," he called as he came in, then stopped in his tracks. "How come the TV's not on? Is everything okay?"

I slowly turned my head to face him. "I quit my job today."

"What? Why?"

"Someone wrote an email to my dad and told him you were gay."

"What? Who would do that?"

"It wasn't signed, but I know it was Joey. It was from his alt account."

"That asshole! Why would he do that? Wait. Why would you quit over that? I mean, you could just move out if it's causing you problems. Or I could move out! I shouldn't ruin your life."

"You're not going anywhere. It's your apartment. Not that it even matters. Nobody is moving out."

He ran his hands through his hair. "But this wouldn't have happened if you hadn't moved in with me."

"I was in love with Joey long before I met you. It was just a matter of time. That was the other part of the email. He told my dad that I was in love with a man."

"Shit. Did you deny it?"

"No. I told him it was true, that I was in love with Joey."

Aidan stared at me, mouth agape. "You did what?"

"I'm tired of lying, to myself, to other people. I'm gay, and you were right. It's time for me to accept that and deal with it."

"I didn't mean you had to tell your dad and quit your job!"

"Well, I did. It just sort of happened." I shrugged. "You know my head hasn't been screwed on straight lately." I snorted. "No pun intended. Hey, you don't seem very surprised that I said I'm gay."

"Will, no offense, but that's the least surprising thing you've said since I walked through the door. I mean, I guess I thought it would take you longer to deal with it, you know, with all your religious trauma and brainwashing to work through, but I figured you'd get there eventually."

"I don't think I've worked through anything yet. There's just no point denying it anymore."

"What are you going to do now?"

My phone rang, saving me from trying to answer a question for which I didn't have an answer. I answered automatically, without even checking the caller ID.

"Will?" It was my mom. She sounded like she'd been crying.

"Yes."

"Will, your father said you quit today."

"Yes."

"Will, why?"

"It was either that or get fired."

"He said it was because you think you're gay."

"Yes."

"Oh, Will! You can't be!" she cried.

"Mom, I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do about it."

"There's counseling. I've read about it online..."

"Is that even legal in Maryland?"

A strangled sob filled my ear, "You know we can't accept this. We...we can't condone it."

"I know," I said quietly. I felt a tear slide down my cheek.

"I'll always love you, Will."

"I know, Mom."

"Your father says you're not welcome back here unless you get counseling." She burst into sobs. "He says to read Hosea 8:7," she managed to choke out before I heard the click of the phone as she hung up. The line went dead, but I held the phone numbly to my ear.

I finally stood up and walked down the hall to my room, Aidan trailing behind me asking if I was okay.

I didn't answer him. I just went to my bedside table and picked up my worn Bible. I traced a finger over my name, engraved in faded gold on the cover, then flipped through the pages to Hosea and found the indicated verse.

"For they have sown the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind."