Seeing Double - 10. Chapter 10

DAN

I heard Matt wake up and mumble a short description of where he was going before he got out of bed and made ready for his day.

I lay there as if I had fallen back to sleep until I knew he was gone. And then I cried.

I bawled, I sobbed, I screamed; anything to get the pain of the last few days out of my system.

I would have to tell Matt about Owen, that much was certain; Ynana would see a dark stain to be removed, I was sure of it.

Matt had been quite calm recently; maybe he had resigned himself to war, like a dying man accepting his fate with dignity... No, Matt wasn’t going to die...He had promised me...but could he even make that sort of promise?

I sat in the bed, the sheets around me slightly damp, and I wondered what Matt’s reaction would be.

I hoped that he would take it in his stride, but somehow I couldn’t see that happening.

He might seek time on his own I expected that. What I hoped he wouldn’t do is finish with me. I think that would break me.

And if he did finish with me, would he allow the Lords to kill me seeing as though I knew too much?

A knock came at the door before I could linger in my thoughts for longer.

I beckoned them to enter and I was slightly surprised to already see Lord Ynana as he entered quietly.

“Daniel?”

“Yes, my Lord?”

“Please, call me Ynana. I hate formal titles.”

“Ok...Ynana.”

“Do you know why I am here Daniel?”

I swallowed and nodded.

“Matt has asked me to look into your soul, to find any traces of doubt that must be purged before you can train.

You can say now that you don’t want to go ahead with this and you can continue to be by Matt’s side but you will not be able to train.”

“I understand Ynana and I feel I want to continue; I want to prove to Matt I can do this.”

“This shouldn’t be about proving anything to anyone Dan; this must be for you, although you may be asked to accompany Matt if you get up to a certain level.”

“Ynana, I want to go through with this. I can’t say I’m not doing it for Matt because I partly am, but I wouldn’t go through with it if I didn’t want to either.”

Ynana nodded and sat on the end of the bed. He had a kind of radiance, an aura about him. As he sat on the edge of the bed I felt myself relax slightly, and I leaned back slightly into the bed.

“Dan, you need to listen very carefully to what I am about to explain to you.”

I nodded my head, as I let his words slowly fill the room.

“Dan, I’m going to slowly cause you to slip from consciousness. Once you are in the state of mind needed, I will perform the test, and you may have flashbacks or images of anything that has been plaguing you.”

I swallowed, knowing that I was about to relive what I had buried for so long, that which had changed me.

“Please start, Ynana.”

He nodded and proceeded to kneel in between my legs.

Ynana whispered an incantation in a soft language and I felt my body fall into the bed, becoming less and less aware of my surroundings.

Further and further I drifted, and finally I succumbed to the incantation and lost consciousness.

“Daniel, that was sick!” Tony said, although he was lapping up the details.

“She loved it.” I replied with a sly smile. Inside I knew it was a lie.

“Got the next one lined up Dan?” Aaron said.

“Pretty soon, Aaron.”

I was reliving the walk home that one afternoon, through the view point of my old self.

“You really are a lucky bastard!”

“Ain’t I just?” I replied with that same smug look on my face.

“Did you see that fag boy looking at you at lunch today Dan?”

I winced at the mention of the insult, but the old Daniel laughed and smiled a dirty smile.

“Yeah, I noticed, I’ll have to...quietly mention that I’m not interested.”

Tony and Aaron exchanged glances.

“Yeah Dan, you tell the queer boy that you’ll shut him up if he squeaks to anyone.”

“Squeak about what?”

“The bit about you telling him that you’re not interested.”

Tony and Aaron were excited about the prospect of roughing up the gay I could tell.

“If it comes to that...”

“What? What’s the matter Dan? Going too pussy? You’re not one of them are ya?”

“Who? Me? Haha good one Tony. Nah... one hundred percent straight here.

The flashback faded and soon another took its place.

“Hey, isn’t that him?” Tony asked with hope in his voice.

“If we’re quick we can catch him up and deliver the message right now.”

“Let’s get going then.” My older self said, my newer self horrified by what I was seeing.

Closer and closer they slowly ate up the ground between us...no... them and the gay boy who I soon learnt was called Owen.

“Hey queer boy!” Tony started shouting.

Owen picked up his pace.

“Hey! Don’t ignore us you fucking cocksucker!”

My older self finally joined in “Make it easy on yourself now, accidents happen if we can’t speak properly.”

Owen continued to ignore the barrage of insults Tony and Aaron were throwing.

Tony and Aaron got angry and raced towards Owen.

“Hurry up Dan! Don’t skulk around! Join in!” Aaron shouted to me and I saw myself hesitate before picking up the pace.

Tony had already thrown Owen to the ground and had started to curl up by the time Aaron was leaning over, shouting near his face.

Tony rubbed his foot in Owen’s face and I nearly threw up.

Tony shot me a look that said ‘What are you doing?’ before resuming his torrent of language against Owen.

My voice had come back and, to save face, I started shouting the same stuff as Tony and Aaron.

Both Tony and Aaron had now moved on to kicking Owen around, making him curl up even tighter.

After a few minutes I had had enough.

“Guys, leave it, he’s not worth the time.” Hoping that that would stop them.

“Why so soon?” Aaron sneered.

“This is boring me.” I replied, hoping my expression would be enough; Tony and Aaron were good friends until they got onto the topic of gay men.

More was said, none of it pleasant, but the flashback ended and I was on my own this time.

My older self felt bad after the earlier display. It was the same night, the bullying that had happened only taking place a few hours previous.

Away from Tony and Aaron I was going to apologise, stupid as it was. The apology of the person who just subjected him to that was the last thing I was guessing he wanted.

How I knew what house he lived at was beyond me.

The door was strangely unlocked, the house quiet, the parents obviously still at work.

I entered as silently as possible.

A quick search of the ground floor meant he must have been upstairs.

As I pushed the second door nearest the stairs open, my mind reeled from what I saw.

Owen was standing on a chair, tying something to the ceiling.

He sensed my presence and quickly turned around to face me, allowing me to glimpse the noose of rope that was now swaying slightly eerily.

“Da...D...Dan...Daniel?” Owen could barely speak around me.

“Yes Owen, it’s Dan.”

“Wh...Wha...what are you here for?”

His blond hair was shining with the sweat of fear that he was covered in, his clothes hanging off his thin frame, his glasses askew.

“I’m here to apologise.”

“N...n n n, no. You wouldn’t apologise, you’re evil, and everything you’ve ever said or done was hurtful.”

“I can’t stop, Tony and Aaron would abandon me, they would know something’s up.”

“So you... are... gay?”

“Like I said, I’m not.”

“But you are!”

“I’ve told you I am not gay; get that message into your head!” I replied fiercely.

“Are you in denial?”

“I...don’t know... I mean no! How dare you even think that?”

Owen looked shocked.

“I can’t live like this, not being tormented, bullied, hit, taunted. Not every day, I can’t live in fear.”

Owen quickly placed the noose around his neck.

“No! Don’t! You could move schools.”My older self said before I had time to think.

I think both versions of Dan were surprised by the level of concern in that comment.

“And it would start again, and if I moved again, it would start again. The pain is too great D...Dan.”

“You don’t know that!”

“But I know that this way I can’t hurt anymore, this way I escape the torment.”

“I could lighten up! I could start swaying everyone’s opinion.”

“No, you couldn’t D...Dan, no one can help me, I have felt so alone for so long, it needs to end.”

“Please, just listen...” I started quickly, but, before I could get any further, Owen stepped off the chair.

I rushed to catch him before the rope tightened, but Owen had worked it out perfectly. Before I could react the rope snapped his neck and I vomited at the sight of the swaying body.

Something snapped inside me and out came the emotions I had locked behind so many barriers, so many layers of denial.

I collapsed onto the ground near to the swaying figure of Owen and bawled. It wouldn’t stop, the realisation that I had caused his death, or at least had a hand in it made me sick. I felt disgusted at myself, I felt worthless. I was worthless.

I must have been crying for longer than I thought because I heard hurried footsteps and the door burst open and I heard screams, a mother’s lament.

The sound of Owen’s mother in distress pierced me over and over again. Each sob, each wail, each word she said to her son’s body felt like it was tearing me apart.

The wail of sirens soon entered my hearing.

I heard the paramedics confirm he was dead.

I heard policemen and women talking to Owen’s parents. I felt a policeman kneel by me.

“What happened son?” The policeman said.

I broke down again and I was unsure of my surroundings as I was moved from the floor.

The images started fading and I was glad of its forthcoming.

The next flashback to materialise was me in a hospital bed, reams of bandages covering my arms. This was when I was hospitalised due to my suicide attempt.

I heard my parents come in along with my nearest Uncle and Aunt.

“Why did you do it Dan? How did it come to this?” My mother asked me.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I blurted out I was gay.

My parents looked at me like I had grown an extra head.

“You disgusting, lying, little queer!” My dad raged.

“No son of mine is gay! Next time cut deeper!” My mum screamed.

I could only hold my head in my hands as security removed my parents. I could hear them raging down the corridor.

“Why have you stayed?” I asked my Uncle.

“Because we are not your parents.” He said simply.

I hugged them both as tightly as I could...

I was jerked back to reality. The hospital, Owen’s room, all gone as I saw the suite me and Matt were living in.

Ynana was gone, off to examine the results of his test.

My mind reeled and raced from the flashbacks and I couldn’t cope.

I just curled into a ball and sobbed.

MATT-

Ynana’s tower was magnificent; the pure white marble was interlaced with intricate patterns of emerald.

There were two other, smaller towers connected to the main one. Each connection, of which there was at least one on each level, was every bit as intricate as the towers themselves.

The splendour was befitting. Each of the Lords of Galwrock had such places. It is where they and their soldiers train, where scholars read and where decisions that affect Galwrock are made. Each one is a centre of importance, and focuses on an aspect of Galwron martial discipline and culture.

And, with Ynana’s being an exception, each of the Towers of Galwrock was situated in the great cities of the planet.

Due to the spread of the cities, each tower had a large portal that was many times the size of those used commonly.

I had decided to fly to Ynana’s Tower instead of using a portal; one because I wanted to see the Tower from the outside, the other because I wanted to prepare myself for Ynana’s news.

The way Dan had acted before meant I was sure he had something he was keeping from me. If he wanted to train this would force him to act on it.

I was greeted by Ynana’s main lover, Ipilar.

He was gorgeous. His body was lithe and strong. He looked slightly bulkier than normal, probably due to a change in routine in training.

His face radiated kindness and he had an aura about him that soothed the mind. I felt more relaxed by just being around him.

“My Lord Matthew, how wonderful to see you.”

“It’s good to see you as well Ipilar.” As I pulled him into a hug to which he was slightly surprised.

“You haven’t done that for a while my Lord.” He replied somewhat quietly.

“Yes, I’m sorry about that, I am just so tense at the moment; with all that is going on.”

I could tell he wanted to be informal but was too scared to ask.

“Ipilar, you have been wonderful to me. Ynana made the right decision all those months ago. Please, even in the presence of the Lords, call me Matt. Matthew if Matt is too informal.” I added cheekily.

“You have become more confident Matthew; I am both happy and sad that you don’t need my help so often now.”

“You are a trusted friend Ipilar. Every night you comforted me was special and I won’t forget that.”

Ipilar couldn’t stop himself any longer; he grabbed me and spun me around whilst giving me a big hug.

His smile was infectious and I laughed with him.

“Besides, you have someone else who you give most of your attention to, apart from Ynana that is.” And I gave him a knowing wink.

“My Lord please do not tell Master Ynana. He knows we make love to each other, he gave us permission for that, but he doesn’t know how deep our feelings are for each other.”

“Ipilar, you can’t hide something like that from one such as Lord Ynana. He knows, I’m sure, and he hasn’t said anything has he?”

“When did he last...?”

“Not for a while.”

“He’s left you two alone and gotten himself some fresh meat.” I said as Ipilar looked on in shock.

“Matthew! Um...you really think he would do that?”

“Ynana sounds like the type of Lord that likes happiness and not discord. He sees you and Zashun and he sees a wonderful partnership and he wants love to blossom in his Tower, because that is what your Energy is based on.”

“My L...Matthew, earlier you wanted everyone to know that Daniel was your lover, did you mean that...”

“Yes and I meant to say he was my Davanra. The one whom I am romantically attached to but not sexual with.”

“Nothing has happened?” Ipilar asked without thinking.

Ipilar looked horrified.

“Ipilar, you may ask such questions. You have been and still are a great friend to me, do not stop. We have done...something together, but not enough to warrant what you and Ynana do for instance.”

The talk ate up the time it took to walk the distance to the main corridor.

Ipilar just nodded and escorted me to Ynana’s main consultation chambers.

“I will talk to you later Ipilar.”

“Yes My L...Matthew. I hope you and Daniel can sort this out.”

“Thank you Ipilar, I hope we do too.”

He darted off to leave me to step into, what I assumed was bad news.

The room was dimly lit inside, the only illumination coming from the couple of dozen candles that were spaced out around the room. I enhanced my eyesight and as I did so I could see Ynana in the centre of the room, the stone floor rising in the form of steps like a pyramid to the top where he was standing.

Ynana was standing over a crystal ball of sorts.

The room was sparsely furnished apart from that, barely anything resided in the room. The odd chair or item of equipment to aid Ynana was all that I could see; it was a huge room.

“Ynana?” I asked quietly.

“Hello Matt. Make your way up to me and stand opposite.”

I did as he said and as I approached the ball, I couldn’t see anything.

“Matt, I have seen into Daniel’s soul. And I am afraid there is something which clouds and shackles his soul.”

“Is it bad?”

“Yes, he has behaved much differently in the past to which he does now.”

“When Daniel tells you about this, you must realise how much he has changed, how what he is now is how he wants to be.”

“What has he done Ynana?”

“That is not for me to say Matt, but he has done very foolish things, very hurtful things and he witnessed something which changed him.”

“Do you think I will be able to forgive him once I know what this is about?”

“I hope you can Matt, and I should give you this...” he placed a charm around my neck “...if certain circumstances unfold how I have seen that they can, then that will give you smoother passage.”

“Smoother passage to what, Ynana?”

“Matt, you know I cannot tell you that. I have done all that I should. I have told you about Daniel’s soul and you need to speak to him. Now, Ailarha is here also, I think she wants you to perform a Releasing today.”

I was surprised that she wanted me to perform a Releasing so soon, but considering what happened it was little wonder. I wasn’t going to complain. The Releasing would help ease the tension of the Energy and so help me relax slightly.

I walked into the triangular courtyard formed by the spacing of the towers; the area the courtyard covered was easily the size of a football pitch.

A figure stood in the centre of the courtyard.

As I walked further in I saw it was Ailarha, and she had her sparring armour on.

“Greetings, Matt.”

“Good afternoon, Ailarha.”

She threw me a staff, which I caught neatly. I then rotated and span the staff around, getting a feel for the weight and balance.

“Am I not to get armour?” I asked.

“With whom you will be sparring, I will be disappointed if you get hit.”

She vanished and as she did so I saw her acolytes advance towards me.

One acolyte had dashed ahead of the rest and sent a ball of Energy towards me.

I blinked and the acolyte’s attack winked out of existence.

I guessed the attack was only so the acolyte could get close. At this distance I saw that ‘it’ was actually a ‘he’.

He drew two short, wooden swords and leapt forward. I sidestepped and clipped his shins with my staff, causing him to roll away in defeat.

Judging by the way he didn’t come back at me, I guessed it was a one-hit loses sparring practice.

Another acolyte had managed to get within striking distance of me and they were using a double handed sword.

I parried a series of strikes from the acolyte. His blows were well placed but didn’t have enough speed or strength behind them to beat my blocks.

I let the acolyte have a few more chances before disarming him and smacking the staff into his midriff, stunning him.

Another sent shards of Energy hurtling at me, to which I projected a low level shield.

The Energy shards just bounced off the shield; this time I didn’t let the acolyte have the first strike.

I went on the offensive and whirled the staff around landing strikes over different places of the body. The acolyte did their best with their own staff, defending most of my strikes before I reversed my grip and landed a strike across the shoulder.

Another two came at me at once. I dealt with both swiftly; one I flicked an attack out the way and struck their ribs making them sprawl away. The other I blocked a couple of attacks and then I used a karate technique. I spun on my right foot ninety degrees and then lashed out with my left foot’s heel, with my left foot horizontal, letting a small amount of energy amplify the strength of the kick.

It caused the acolyte to fly several feet before slowly getting up.

“You only give me half a dozen to defeat Ailarha?”

“That was just to show the acolytes how long they have to go.” A voice whispered through the air.

“And what is my task, Ailarha?”

“For now you can perform a Releasing, without the aid of a dome.”

“What?”

“Galwrock’s ability to absorb Energy is better than Earth’s and it will be a good exercise in the control of your Energy.

I merely nodded to the air.

Behind me, the statue of a hunter with a spear being pounced on by a red panther came alive.

The statue presented his spear to me and I took it with a silent prayer of thanks, exchanging it for the sparring staff.

The spear had what was needed for a Releasing, a core of ‘Energy- conducting’ wood.

I stepped back into the centre of the courtyard once again.

Placing all thoughts out of the front of my brain I concentrated on only my Energy and the spear.

I began slowly, the spear gliding gracefully through the air as I performed the basic moves, to get a feel of the spear once again.

As I once again said the Incantation to start the Releasing, a Galwron war tune began to play.

This time as I moved the spear around, tiny sparks of electricity were flowing from the tips.

Faster and faster my movements with the spear became, the tiny sparks soon becoming arcs of electricity that formed myriad patterns around me.

The spear was singing now, each burst of Energy that flowed through me and into the spear making a new note blossom from the wood.

As the bursts of Energy got faster and faster, and more powerful, the notes became a symphony, the spear in my hand a blur as I got lost in the pureness of the dance I had created.

I made myself float in the air, the movements of the spear never faltering. The wood kept on singing.

One more frenzied series of movements that I made caused the crescendo to form from the wood, before I stopped suddenly, bringing with it a deafening silence.

I descended to the floor once more, glad that the Energy had dissipated safely and that I had remained in control the whole time.

‘Well done Matt, I am pleased.’

‘Thank you Ailarha, although...may I talk with you.’

‘Of course you can.’

“Could we possibly talk verbally for this?” I asked tentatively.

“Yes, yes we can Matt.”

“I want to know, why the tension. I’ve proved myself; I know we hated each other before. You hated me because I was human, but it was the only option at the time, and I soon hated you for the treatment you gave me. But, I feel we’ve grown to respect each other. At this time, I want to be comfortable around you Ailarha, and not thinking an argument could unfold at the slightest problem.”

She thought on what I’d said for a while. I hadn’t actually meant for it to just stream out, but I felt it was necessary. Finally she straightened up and a tensed.

When she saw me tense, she looked visibly hurt.

“Is this what I do to you Matt? Make you angry? Make you nervous?”

I nodded.

Then she did something totally out of her normal character, at least to me anyway. She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me.

‘I finally realise, after so long I don’t know, but I do finally realise it doesn’t matter, if you’re human. You are a good person Matt; I hope you don’t get scared of the sudden change in character.’

‘Well, this is coming as something of a shock!’ I giggled both out loud and in my head.

‘We will stand together against our enemies. I hope now we can be even stronger. Now that my mind is clear of the negative feelings towards you, I can be myself around you.’

‘How did you let go so quickly?’

‘I have been reflecting on my feelings about you for a while Matt. It was only when I saw your reactions that I realised just how far I had gone. How I had made you feel towards me. That must change, both for our sakes and for the sake of Galwrock.’

‘It’s just amazing how you did that though’

‘They don’t call me the Mistress of the Mind, for nothing now.’ She said playfully in my head.

As we talked about further plans, I reflected on this one bit of good news. I would be cautious at first, to see if this was a tactic, but I was glad she had changed.

“You will have to talk to Dan?” She said the question so matter-of-factly that I almost didn’t process it.

When I did, the emotions came back.

“He is hiding something Ailarha, and I’m not sure how I am going to react.”

“Do you love him?”

I nodded.

“Does he love you?”

I nodded again.

“Then, although what happened is important, do not condemn him. His past has shaped his present and these moments now will shape his future. He is the man he is now because of what has happened. His actions, whether good or bad have caused him to be the Dan you love.

You will need to see past the actions that Dan has done and help him, that way it will bring you together stronger.”

“He’s probably destroying himself inside right now.” I said quietly.

“That may be because his extremely powerful boyfriend is about to learn a secret that he was afraid of telling you. Maybe he thinks you’re going to hurt him.”

I looked at her incredulously.

“Think of it from his viewpoint. He’s kept a secret from you, one he’s obviously buried some way down. He meets you, he cannot stand to lose you, he knows you have power, he knows some of your capabilities, he is disgusted at himself for what he did and is so scared you will leave him that he cannot bear to tell you.

From what I’ve seen, the secret won’t be good news, however he must have changed himself so much to come from where he was, that that shows character. “

“I think it may have to do with someone that is dead...”

“You may enter the cave, Matt.”

“Thank you.”

“After this you must either let go of it and be together, or stay apart. These lingering feelings will only foster bad feelings.”

“I understand.” I chuckled.

“What’s funny?”

“Just a few minutes ago there was all this tension and now...you’re giving me all this advice.”

“Life and time can be fickle and helpful; both care not how or when they operate for they are a law unto their own. To change the movements of fate is both improbable and dangerous. Take each event that faces you and throw it back twice as hard as what fate has thrown unto you.”

“I need to go and see him.”

“I know. Go now Matt, and remember the words I have spoken.”

I smiled in reply and before I knew I turned and my legs had carried me to the portal in the Tower, my mind not concentrating on anything except Dan.

DAN-

I waited for Matt at one of the portals in the Fortress. I was all over the place. I felt like my insides had rearranged themselves several times and I felt like being sick.

I scolded myself for being so nervous for seeing Matt, and for dragging this on for so long.

He erupted from the portal in a blaze of golden light; his presence was immediately felt by everyone. His body, his eyes, his face...seemed more full of vitality than before.

His expression though, was pensive.

I tried to smile at him, but I felt it was rather weak. He smiled back, also with less strength than normal.

The acolytes melted into the shadows as Matt stepped forward.

“Dan, can we talk?”

“Yes Matt, of course we can.”

He led me out of the portal room, his body starting to tense, but I didn’t risk it by trying to get him to relax.

Eventually he led me into a large space of open garden; the space was so big I could barely make out the trees on the far side.

Matt was content to walk slowly through the garden for a short while, but I was a wreck. The tension was tangible, the awkwardness almost painful.

Just before I caved in and asked Matt about what had happened, he started to talk.

“I spoke to Ynana today.”

“Oh?” I couldn’t think of anything else to say back to that toneless expression.

“Yes, he looked into your soul; there is secret, and doubt. There is a dark patch on your soul.”

Although I had been expecting this, the deliverance still made me reel.

“Do you think you can share it with me, Dan?”

I nodded, barely.

“But I am afraid, no, terrified you will leave me after you see what has happened.”

Matt turned to face me and studied me intently with his eyes, which had become an intense golden colour.

“You don’t have to speak about it Dan, I can enter your mind and see what happened. Would that be easier?”

“I...” I was at a loss, I didn’t want to look like a coward by agreeing to that, but neither did I feel like I could discuss this out loud.

“Dan, it isn’t a coward’s way because you will relive it again. As I see it, you will. As your emotions of the memories wash over you, I will feel them as well.”

“I am just so scared Matt.”

He hushed me gently.

“I understand, but I need to know. This is holding you back Dan.”

After several seconds I slowly nodded my head.

Matt nodded back and instructed me to lie on the ground while he sat cross legged near my head.

“Tell me when you’re ready Dan and I will start.”

I tried to relax and let the smells of the garden waft over me, but I was too hyped up over this to become relaxed.

I nodded to Matt and a couple of seconds later he pressed his forehead to mine; and my mind unlocked.

MATT-

As soon as I pressed my head to Dan’s I started seeing images. The secret he kept must have been stewing ever since the test Ynana did.

Slowly, the images sorted themselves and I propelled my mind to the start of the memories.

And I experienced the time Dan had had before I met him.

Saw the bullying and gay bashing he participated in. I saw Owen alone. I relived Owen’s death and my conscious mind heard Dan start to sob, and I started sobbing with him.

I saw his Uncle and Aunt take him in, saw how he became withdrawn. I noticed the scars on his arms in the hospital, I saw several more images of a hospital before I saw him sitting in a circle of people; he was smiling this time. The images gave me little time to feel emotion. I saw one image that only after a couple of seconds was replaced by the next.

I saw him change his life, I saw him change into the person he is today. I saw him place flowers on Owen’s gravestone, and lastly, I saw myself looking at ‘me’ the first time me and Dan met. From nowhere I felt what Dan felt, he loved me. I knew he did, but to feel his love wash over my mind...

I broke the contact.

Dan scrambled away crying and sat on a nearby bench, head in his hands.

I got up slowly and began to process what I saw.

I was horrified by what he had started out as; I felt anger towards him for what he was before. It was that part I think that Dan was afraid of me knowing, and for good reason I suppose.

Fresh tears and fresh anger emerged when Owen’s death replayed in my mind and Dan caught the look in my eye as I felt those emotions and he paled.

As I replayed the images of Dan’s journey after that my emotions went to pieces. Dan tortured himself, both mentally and physically after Owen’s death; his decline in his health was heart- breaking.

I sat next to Dan and he flinched, which made more tears flow freely.

“Do you...do you fear me Dan?” I choked out.

He looked at me and his eyes showed uncertainty.

“I’m not scared of you Matt. I’m scared of what you’re going to do now.”

“Well, I’ll show you what I’m going to do.” And with that I wrapped him tightly in a hug, pulling him close to me.

“Dan, I can’t say I wasn’t angry about what you did earlier in your life because it did make me very angry.” He tensed at this.

“It will take me some time to let that go, but I also saw what you did to yourself afterwards, after Owen’s death, and Dan...”I made him look at me this time.

“Dan, it broke my heart watching what you went through. And I don’t think you’ve forgiven yourself yet, have you?”

Dan shook his head.

“I think there’s just one person who can make you let go of this.”

I gently lifted him onto his feet.

“Where are we going?” Dan asked as I took out a mobile portal.

“To a place where we can meet the person that can help you.”

Before he could answer I activated the portal and we were transported to the Caves of Slumber.

DAN-

As soon as we arrived I sensed something powerful here. Even someone not connected to Energy could feel that this was a place where Energy was pooled.

“What is this place Matt?” I asked as I looked at the runes engraved around the cave entrance.

“This is one of the most ancient and revered places on Galwrock.”

I decided to ask no more questions as Matt knelt before the entrance and placed his hand onto the ground.

Energy seeped from his hand and each of the runes started to glow with a soft, white luminescence.

A breath of wind appeared once the runes returned to their original state and I could hear soft sounds in the wind.

I couldn’t quite hear what it was, but it sounded like it was voices.

Matt beckoned me through the entrance and I followed.

The caves were dimly lit by the rock itself; a pale pink light was emitted from the rock and cast a warm glow around the path we were taking.

There were so many turns and changes of direction that I was completely disorientated but Matt, maybe by following the wind that was still blowing even through the caves, knew the way through the cave.

After what seemed like a good hour of walking, another entrance inscribed with runes appeared.

Matt barely stopped at this one and sent a ball of energy towards the entrance. Once more the runes glowed and Matt stepped through.

I had barely stepped through before Matt stopped me.

“Dan, this is as far as I am allowed to go. What is up ahead is for you alone. I will be here waiting.”

“Why can’t you come with me?”

“Because the...person you must meet wishes to speak to just you now.”

“So...”

“Dan, I will be here. It is only a short walk to the place where you will meet.”

I knew that was it, so I hugged him before turning and walking in the direction he pointed.

Matt was right, the walk wasn’t long before I entered a large cavern, easily the size of a cathedral.

Filling at least half of the cavern was an enormous pool of crystal clear water.

As I approached the water became disturbed, each step making the water more and more agitated.

Until when I was barely a dozen steps from the edge a figure coalesced from the water, and I gasped when I saw who it was.

When I saw Owen, or rather the parody of Owen, made completely of the crystal clear water, one part of me was shocked at the same time as another part of me knew who it would be all along. I wondered how Matt had made this happen, or whether this was Matt’s doing at all.

Owen hadn’t spoken yet, in fact he was staring into space; waiting.

“Owen?” I asked, unsure if he could speak back or if it was just a trick.

My voice snapped him out of his trance and he looked at me for the first time since that terrible day.

“Daniel.” Owen replied gently.

As soon as I heard my name, spoken in his soft voice, I collapsed to the ground, my eyes streaming with tears once more, the pain of what had happened resurfacing.

As I looked up to Owen, whispers sounded all around me and images seeped into my mind.

I could see through Owen’s eyes. I could feel his emotions. And, as someone hit him in one memory, I could feel it as well.

I saw the events that were burned into my own mind replayed, but through Owen’s eyes.

“Please...” I whispered.

But the memories still invaded my mind.

I saw the times I bullied him, the times I helped mutter dirty comments. I felt the pain those words caused.

Snippets of each thing I had done played in my mind. And then I relived that fateful day. I saw through his eyes, each step he took, and every ounce of will with which he was trying to ignore the comments of that day.

I felt the impact as he was thrown to the floor; I experienced what it was like for him. I could hear, as he was curled up. Each comment was like a dagger.

It cut to his room; I could see the rope already hanging from the ceiling. I could see the discarded tissues, piles of them, covered in his tears.

He took a look around his room. He felt nothing; I had helped rip him apart emotionally.

I felt him place the noose around his neck, and it felt like something was around my throat, but as I reached for my neck there was nothing there.

I saw myself enter. I saw the shock in my own eyes; the conversation was as painful as it was relived through my memories. Then as he jumped my vision went dark and I screamed.

Slowly, very slowly, my vision returned and I could see myself in my room.

The viewpoint was higher up, like a security camera angled up in the corner.

I was sat on the edge of the bed, turning a bottle of pills in one hand, and a bottle of alcohol in one hand.

As I reached to take one more, I could sense that Owen’s spirit was screaming for me to stop. A friend barged in at that point and saw me. They stopped me and took me to hospital, but I wouldn’t let them help me apart from checking me for overdose.

Another jump in the memories and I was once again sat on the edge of the bed, this time I had a Stanley knife in my hand. As I went to make a deep cut, one that could have seen me bleed to death, Owen’s spirit screamed out for me not to.

The knife was blunter than I thought and the cut wasn’t deep enough. Another interruption and a different friend, how I still had them, snatched the knife from my hand and once again took me to hospital.

It was at that second visit that I told my parents I was gay.

Owen’s spirit had looked over me for a while after his death. It was more than I deserved, so much more.

“I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry.” I said over and over again, softer and softer my voice became as I finally apologised to him.

I don’t know how many times I kept saying it, or how long I knelt there, but I was pulled up as if there were invisible hands tugging me up.

I was now face to face with Owen; his soft features were made even kinder by the smile he gave me.

I didn’t deserve that smile.

“I’m...” I started, but he interrupted me before I could carry on apologising.

“Dan, I know you’re sorry, I have watched you ever since my death. I have seen what you put yourself through, I saw pain within you each time I visited you.”

I looked at the floor in shame.

“Yes, each time you went to kill yourself I...I...I willed it so you wouldn’t cut deep enough or you took one pill too few. I didn’t want you to die before my death Dan; I certainly don’t want you to die now.”

“But I deserve...” I started; the same memories of the self harming days came flooding back, how I felt disgusted at myself. I willed it to go away.

“To die? No Dan. Some may have said you did when all this happened. But you’ve changed. You became a better person.”

“How can you have forgiven me? After what I participated in? After what I did to you?”

“After three years, you reflect on what happened so many times and I realise something Dan.”

“What’s that?”

“That you were as much a victim as me. You were stuck with that circle of friends, you couldn’t tell them you were gay, you had to hide it, press it down far. And maybe for a while you believed what you had told yourself. But something always made you reluctant. Something made you come to my house to apologise, to say that you wished it could’ve been different.

I took the quick route out, you suffered. You beat yourself up about it, you shut the world out. And to see you go through that, from the other side, was difficult Dan.

And now you’ve found love.”

“Why are we changing topics?”

“Because Dan, I forgive you. I may at first have blamed you, but after I pieced it together, I realised that you were in as much pain, if not more, than I was.”

“My pain was deserved.”

“Not as much as what you went through. I admit that you were horrible to me. But it wasn’t the real you. You acted like that because you were scared for your safety and I forgive you Dan. The real issue here is your ability to let go.”

“I...”

“You have bared this weight for so long Dan. Let it go; don’t forget but forgive yourself as I have forgiven you. It’s been three years Dan, and for three years you have torn yourself apart.”

“But...”

“Let it go.”

I took several deep breaths.

“You expect me to let it go this quickly?”

“Why not? Weren’t you wishing to hear my forgiveness?”

I could only nod.

“Then who else were you looking to before you could forgive yourself?”

It was then, that I could see that Owen was right. My life couldn’t move forward if I held this in.

It took what seemed like hours before, after replaying what had happened in my mind, I looked up at Owen.

“I may still feel like I did at the anniversary of your death...but...I know I have to let this go.”

Owen’s smile told my heart what it needed to hear, more than his words had.

“So, about Matt...”

“What about him?”

Owen smiled at the defensiveness of my question.

“Just the fact that if he loved you anymore than he does then he may explode.” Owen replied with a smirk.

“I love Matt and yet here...”

“He seems a totally different person? He seems confident, knowledgeable, strong? Yes, he comes across as all these things because he must be. And yes, I know of this planet, all of us do when we die. He must fight in the war and win.”

“I know he has to fight in the war.”

“But do you know what toll it will have on him? He will be tired mentally, physically, emotionally. You may not be powerful in terms of what Matt does, but when the first person he wants to see is you, you are his anchor, and your love will strengthen him.”

“But he is going to be angry at me with what he has seen, those memories.”

“Matt may have figured it out by now.”

“He won’t get over it that quickly.”

“Matt wouldn’t have sent you here if he hadn’t forgiven you. He has seen everything all at once, whereas I had to piece it together. If the puzzle fits what I solved then he will want you in his arms as soon as you walk out of here.”

“He will still be hurt.”

“He may be slightly hurt and angry about what you did, but his most foremost feeling will be concern. Concern that you can’t forgive yourself, that you do not enjoy life, and concerned that you are afraid of him because of what he is.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“There is no need, I know. You will not be able to meet with me again for some time, but I want you and Matt to be happy. Please, don’t let this come between you two.”

“Thank you, Owen.”

“Until the next time Dan, goodbye.”

This time the goodbye wasn’t horrific; the figure of Owen gently fell apart and became part of the pool once more.

I emerged from the cavern to find Matt still waiting there. My footsteps alerted him to my presence and, even though Owen thought Matt would be fine, I still felt nervous as I stepped towards him.

The smile that broke onto his face made me run to him.

“I’m so sorry Matt.” I whispered.

“Shhh. I know Owen forgave you, that much is clear. At first I was angry at you, but I saw everything Dan. I felt every emotion you did. And it was heart- breaking.

Please, don’t put yourself through that any longer.”

“How can you just forgive me this easily?”

“If the boy that hung himself can forgive you, then how can I not?”

“I love you Matt, I don’t want to lose you.”

“I love you too Dan and I promise I will never leave you. I don’t want you to be scared of me Dan; I am still the nervous, shy, whatever you name it, boy who got incredibly lucky in terms of finding a totally hot bloke that likes me.”

“Like? Like is a weak word for what I feel for you Matt. I was so scared of losing you; I was so scared of being left alone after what you’ve seen.”

“You will never have to worry about me leaving Dan.”

“But the war?”

“I will not leave you Dan, understand?”

I just responded with a kiss, to which Matt answered back.

I didn’t even register the sensation of movement as Matt transported us back.

As soon as we arrived back at the Fortress, Ynana was waiting for us.

Without hesitation, Ynana placed his hand up my shirt onto my chest and I felt a slight pull towards his hand.

Within moments he had finished.

“His soul has been placated, his training can begin.”

This was for real, and everything had suddenly snapped into focus.