thephoenix

im baaaack. 😀

Thank you for sharing your experiences-- for myself, I've only begun to chip away at this since January 22nd when all heck broke loose so yeah...i have that feeling of just being stuck and I'm wondering whether I will ever get out of this. Thank you....and yeah it's definitely a work in progress since I haven't mentally forgiven myself for screwing up so bad as far as "A" is concerned. I've known him a little under a year but we grew close quickly through my fraternity--that is--until February 17th.

Thanks Graeme, it's just that...that's the hard part. Not knowing and not really having closure on the matter. But yeah, right now, I don't think there is anything else I can do. Hope is all I have left. Thank you Tim, for your support; I'm not sure which is more painful...losing a best friend or losing a girl/boyfriend..not by passing, but just...ending the relationship. I've never had any experience in the latter so I don't know and I've heard mixed responses. I would never wish this on anyone, not even a nemesis. Thank you Dodger...and yeah, I try to spare the nitty gritty details because it even hurts just thinking about it again and I don't want to hurt anyone...It has taken me years to open up but now it seems I'm picking up the pieces. Or trying to anyway. Thank you Gary, I hope he'll reach out to me too, but I can't help feeling a sense of guilt for crossing the line--or trying to anyway. And yeah, my therapist told me something similar, that the strength has to come from within rather than from others, but I feel my self-worth and self-esteem is too damaged...I feel like a broken man with a laundry list of diagnoses--all chronic/severe in nature from 4 opinions from psychiatrists...talking about it is pretty much all I can do at this point. It will be a long journey. Thank you for your reply Palantir and your support. And yeah, I would never wish this on anyone. Thank you guys...

Hey everyone... I know I've been inactive for a very long time but I plan on being more active now. (sorry if this is the wrong forum for this). As of right now, I have come out to 8 people, not including professional therapists, psychiatrists, counselors, or social workers, been hospitalized 4 times this year alone so far and am now currently in some rehab-for-depression kind of place. Long story short, I have been on the brink of SI (suicidal ideation) multiple times for various reasons, dotted with a few actual attempts. That's not the point of this post though. I fell hard for a straight guy best friend of mine, we'll call him "A". He's also a fraternity brother of mine. Came out to him, he was uber-supportive and has been my emotional go-to 'rock' until February 17th. That was the day after one of my hospital discharges. He (with prior permission) read through a journal I wrote during my previous 11-day stay in the psych ward, yes, due to SI. One particular entry mentioned him discreetly...my wording was, I believe "I had a conversation with my doctor today...it was about a crush I have on one of my fraternity brothers..."...He was able to figure out it was him based on that alone and when I asked him how, he responded that he just knew from the way I looked at him and how we interacted. My worst mistake was then (stupid delusional thinking that he's also interested) trying to make a move on him--but--nothing happened...just he gently pushed me away the split second he realized what I was trying to do. He chose to give me a quick hug and left while I was desperately apologizing over and over at the same time. I'll spare the details, but that night, I was back in the hospital. I think it was Day 12 of 17 (some time in early March i think) of hospitalization #3 when he essentially told me over the phone (after a rough conversation with his gf) he wanted nothing to do with me and we were no longer friends, which was beyond devastating. His roommate, we'll call him "J", who is still a friend and also a fraternity brother, tells me he's fine, he's over the hurt/confusion, knows i'm sorry, but ... nothing. The few times J brought me up in conversation to A, his reaction was pretty much muted. Everyone's telling me he needs space and I've given him exactly that--to the point of even moving out of the state (MI), financial cost be darned. My other friends say to give him time, and he'll come around, but I've become more and more unsure. (To give you insight on his personality, he's pretty much the socialite, and gets along with almost anyone, loves card games and video games and sports and all, and has the occasional dirty joke). I'm safe, and among professionals here. But there's that nagging question in my head. Will he come around? Do you guys think our old friendship is salvageable?