Rooted in My Heart - 8. Hanging By a Moment

What had I just witnessed? If Cooper wrote the note, and he was best friends with Tanis... what did that mean?

I was missing the last piece to some huge puzzle here. Something that would make it all 'click' together in my head. This mystery was going to kill me. Well, at least this encounter had given me a little hope that there was more to this situation still. I had to hold onto hope.

After the initial awkwardness from our conversation in the hallway faded, Tanis seemed very happy for the duration of sixth period. He had a huge smile plastered on his face whenever he would talk to me, and he still grinned to himself when we weren't talking. I didn't know why he was so happy, but I was glad he was.

I loved seeing him smile. It was radiant and lit up his whole face, and his eyes would catch the light just right and sparkle. His delicate and soft lips, paired with his dimples, framed the whole package nicely.

I wish he could know that I had these feelings brewing inside of me; I wanted him to see my true heart and know that he had wedged himself so deeply inside of it without even trying. If only I had the courage to tell him… but the uncertainty of it all was crippling. I didn't want to face his rejection.

Love would always require vulnerability and openness, because without them, you couldn't share yourself fully. You had to let your guard down and let the other person inside of your walls, because what was love if not sharing all that you are with someone who you want to know everything about in return? In order to make our love a possibility, I had to put my heart on the line and be willing to expose my feelings to him. If we couldn't share our feelings, then we would never know each other had them. I'd have to take the next step.

“Oh, hey dude! My mom texted me at lunch and told me she called your mom about tomorrow. They worked it out and I can definitely come over after my volleyball game,” Tanis said excitedly, interrupting my thoughts on the nature of love. It was probably a good thing that he did, though. I think too much.

“Oh... that's cool. I'm glad,” I responded as calmly as possible, and started absentmindedly filling out the vocabulary worksheet we were supposed to be working on. My heartbeat was restless, but I tried to put on a relaxed exterior. I didn't want him to notice how thrilled I was to hear that he was really coming over tomorrow. Seeming too eager would have come across as weird, and I definitely didn’t want him to think I was weird! Wait... what if he already thought I was weird?

Tanis grinned at my answer and distant expression as I sorted my thoughts out. I must have looked odd trying not to look weird. He giggled and poked my arm to make sure I was paying attention, then decided to tease me.

“Dude? Earth to Dylan! How's Mars treating you?” I snapped out of my thoughts and poked him back. “Now that I know you're with me here on our home planet, yeah... tomorrow will be cool,” he said, drawing out the word 'cool' and smirking at me like he knew something I didn't. I chuckled and rolled my eyes.

“Yeah, it'll be fun. And I'll have you know that Mars is very nice this time of year! Care to join me on my next vacation? I'll make sure not to pack you a spacesuit so you suffocate when I push you out of the airlock, smart ass!” I retorted. He let his jaw drop and scoffed playfully. I glanced at him and went back to scribbling in answers on my worksheet.

“You wouldn't do that...” he said, his mood shifting slightly. “You'd miss m-”

“Excuse me?” Mrs. Ramirez interjected as she appeared by our desks. “Niños, escúchame. You need to be doing your group work, not just randomly chit-chatting.” She gave us a stern look and walked away. Tanis and I burst into silent giggles once she was out of earshot. After we calmed down enough, I raised my eyebrow at Tanis and gave him a smirk.

“What? What's that look for? Do I have spinach in my teeth or something?” he joked. It grew difficult to remain composed, but I stood my ground and held the laughter in. “What?” He punched me lightly to make me budge.

“Fine! I was just thinking it was funny that now we're tied! You got me in trouble with Mrs. Ramirez now!” I submitted playfully. He rolled his eyes and made a tally in the air.

“Nuh uh! I think you're still ahead of me in troublemaking!” He smirked, squinting and daring me to protest what he said.

“That's a bald-faced lie!” I whispered.

“No, it's true. You're much more of a troublemaker than I am. Face it. It's a fact. I mean, don't I look serious about it?”

His face was completely deadpan. I narrowed my eyes at him and tried to think of a witty comeback or a way to tease him… but I was at a loss. So, I just tried to beat him at his own game of 'seriousness.'

“Pink pickled unicorn eyeballs,” I responded, trying to match his expressionless face. The corners of his lips began to curl. “Served à la mode!” He covered his mouth as he fell into hysterics. Mrs. Ramirez gave us another dirty look from across the classroom, but I didn't care. I was having fun with my favorite boy, and as far as I was concerned, nothing else mattered.

Eventually, we settled down and began working on our assignment. We split up the workload, and I let my mind wander again as I translated a few sentences into Spanish.

I thought about how things might progress naturally when I had him over tomorrow night. If the mood was right, we could have the perfect opportunity to follow our hearts to each other. But what if I really did have to make the first move? I guess I’d know what to do in the moment if it really was right. I wasn’t going to let him slip away if the night settled down to one of silence and romantic glances. I'd make my move when the time was right... I had to.

I finished writing and suddenly had the feeling that I was being watched. I glanced up and saw Tanis staring at me, and his eyes went wide when he realized I had caught him. His gaze flitted back down to his paper and he started doodling as a light pink color spread across his blemish-free cheeks. I sighed and smiled inwardly. If this wasn't flirting on some level, I didn't know what was!

It was then that I remembered all the mixed signals, like him bolting out of class most days or not talking to me around the Spring Dance, and the note… God, that note. I kept thinking about it all and I began to panic. Sure, it may seem like we were flirting... but I couldn't tell if we really were. My mind had completely broken down and I just didn’t know anymore. All I knew was that I was glad to spend whatever time with Tanis that I could.

After the bell rang, Tanis started packing up at lightning speed, but he paused once his phone buzzed with a text message. His text tone was a clip from some cartoon theme song, and I fought to keep myself from laughing too hard once I heard it. It was oddly adorable and made my heart flutter. Sometimes I couldn't even believe that he was real. He was a huge ray of light in my life — a very goofy and very cute ray.

I glanced at his phone as he pulled it out of his pocket to check it, and I noticed Cooper's name flash across the screen. Tanis read the text message and then frowned slightly, reaching down to play with the zipper on his hoodie. He fidgeted for a moment before continuing to pack up his things at a much slower pace than before. I was a little surprised to see the change in his demeanor, but even more shocked when he got up to walk out of class with me. Welcoming the event, I quickly smoothed out my shirt and brushed the hair out of my eyes to look as cute as possible for him.

As we walked out together, he looked right into my eyes and began to converse about how he was excited for his volleyball game tomorrow. I know he continued to talk about other things, but I was too focused on his eye contact. I just nodded my head and looked deep into his eyes, which were beautiful and made my insides turn to jelly as we neared the school entrance.

Incidentally, I was so enveloped in his gaze that I neglected to notice my friends standing in our path… until it was too late.

My smile faltered for a moment once I realized that Denika was there, and she noticed us first, casting me a ‘congrats on hanging out with him, but oh shit what do we do know?’ look. I knew her well enough to tell. Taking a deep breath, I nodded at her and waved at the others as they turned to acknowledge us.

“Hey, guys! This is my friend Tanis from my Spanish class. And Tanis, these are my friends Kyle and… Denika.”

Panic set in as I processed the situation. I had made the mistake of mentioning Denika's name to Tanis and Cooper before Spanish class, but now he had a face to match the name and confirm that she and I were friends. So now he probably knew for sure that Denika was talking about me as the boy who liked him. And if he hadn't figured that out, then he would soon!

I couldn't tell if I was more scared or excited about that idea. It would be a huge weight off of my shoulders if he knew that I liked him. Then, I wouldn't have to actually tell him anything, right? Because I would rather not say anything out loud if I didn't have to. Call me a chicken if you must.

“Hey Megan!” he greeted, knowing her from gym, then turned to the others, “Denika?” he asked innocently enough, staring at her and raising his eyebrow in question.

“Yeah, she's one of my best friends,” I answered, trying to keep my voice calm.

“Yeah... we've met before,” he said with a sly grin. The way he was acting made me feel like he really had figured me out. At the very least, he definitely remembered his last encounter with Denika, even if he wasn't sure I was the 'friend' she told him about.

Before I could analyze his mysterious smile further, Megan pulled me into the group conversation and filled me in on what they were discussing.

“So Dylan, we were just talking about going to the pumpkin patch on Sunday. Does that work?” she asked, eyeing Tanis and I curiously. She smirked and crossed her arms, and I shifted under her stare. My silent conversations with her and Denika were particularly loud and clear today.

Denika perked up and turned toward Tanis excitedly.

“Do you want to come too, Tanis? You're more than welcome. Any friend of Dylan's is a friend of ours!” Tanis beamed at her invitation and glanced at me, as if to ask permission.

“Yeah. You're more than welcome to come. It's for my birthday, after all, so I'd like you there... if you want,” I answered softly. I was a little upset with Denika for trying to push us together faster, but I was glad that she was trying to look out for my happiness. It did sound really fun, so I let her meddling slide this time.

“Yeah, dude. Then we can ditch you in the corn maze as a sacrifice to the harvest Gods,” Kyle suggested, with a bit too serious of a tone. I knew he was kidding, but it still turned Tanis off a little bit. Again, Kyle's heart was always in the right place, but he could come across as a little bit of an ass sometimes.

“Oh, don't listen to Ass-Face. He means well. You'll get used to him,” Megan said teasingly to Kyle, then shoved him jokingly and moved away quickly to avoid being pushed back. However, Kyle played the 'uncaring skater boy' card and acted like nothing even happened, prompting Megan to roll her eyes at his attempts to be cool.

“Yeah, he's not that bad. Well, he hasn't crossed the line yet at least,” I interjected. Tanis giggled and Denika gave him a faux dagger-piercing glare.

“Watch it, you guys!” she scolded playfully. “That's my boyfriend. If you mess with him, you mess with me. And y'all do not want to get on my bad side!” She then snapped her fingers in the air for effect.

Megan made a puppet with her hand and moved it as if to mime Denika talking. She noticed out of the corner of her eyes and just flipped her hair over her shoulder.

“Hey, he gets back the teasing that he gives. It's called 'balancing the karmic scales!'” I joked, enjoying this opportunity to poke fun at my friends. Tanis seemed to like the interaction between our little group, and he at least knew Megan already. It made me happy to think that he might want to be a part of our crew one day... but I was getting ahead of myself.

“Do you want to walk out of the school together or did you want to meet up with your friends?” I asked him. His eyes sparkled and he nodded slowly.

“Yeah... we can walk out together,” he said, and then looked down at his shoes before continuing. It was probably the cutest reaction I had ever seen, and I found myself blushing fiercely as I watched him.

Suddenly, I felt a slight hardness growing in my jeans as my eyes lingered on him for a little too long. I wasn't thinking about anything sexual, but just being so close to him and seeing him act so bashful had an effect on me. I couldn't help it! But these things happen when you're a teenager. And always at the worst possible moments. Feeling myself getting even worse, I turned away from Tanis slightly so he wouldn't notice.

“I'll ask my parents about Sunday for the pumpkin patch, okay?" he asked, adding, "I want to come, if that's cool." I nodded and told him to let me know when he can.

“I live a couple blocks away. I was just going to walk. Do you... have to wait here for a ride?” he asked very timidly. I looked into his gorgeous golden-brown eyes and tried to respond, all the while attempting to hide myself.

“No, I have to walk. And we'll have to walk to my house after school tomorrow, too. I walk home every day,” I answered. He rolled onto the balls of his feet for a moment and then straightened up to look at me with a shy smile. “Maybe we can walk home together, depending on where you live. We can sort it out when we get outside.”

He perked up at that, and I interrupted my friends, who had continued talking without us, to tell them we were leaving. The break from focusing on Tanis finally allowed my 'little friend' to calm down enough so I could walk away. Megan gave me a knowing thumbs up, and Denika looked at Tanis and winked at me as we passed by. I'm sure she would be calling me later tonight. But… I might not answer. I could be too high on cloud nine to even know what a phone was by then!

I couldn't believe that he was walking right beside me. He was still his adorably bashful self, but somehow he found the ability to talk to me anyway. It made me feel really special. And I loved feeling special in his eyes. I liked feeling like he was going out of his way to talk to me, and we weren't even super close friends yet. I was usually the one that reached out to other people to make friends. So, to have someone show some major effort on their part made me feel special and important. Imagine that... I was special to Tanis. Even if not in a romantic way. At the very least, this meant that he really did want to be friends with me, and I started to grin at the thought. And when he saw me smiling and grinned back, I felt my heart soar. It was like he had suddenly gained some profound amount of confidence where I was concerned, and I let my thoughts wander to that text message from Cooper. Did his actions have anything to do with that? Oh well. I didn't dare question the situation. I was happy with it.

“So, that's cool that you're friends with Denika,” Tanis said as we walked down the hall. Snapped out of my deep thoughts, I glanced at him suspiciously and simply nodded. I wasn't really sure where he was going with this. “I've met her before...” I wrinkled my forehead as the words sunk in. He had figured me out.

“Oh… you have? How?” I asked, suddenly unsure what to do with my hands. I fidgeted with the strap of my backpack, which suddenly felt ten pounds heavier.

“Well, get this! She came up to me a few days ago and told me that she had a friend who liked me. It was a weird conversation!”

“How so?” I questioned, afraid of where this was going. Tanis reached up and gently brushed the hair out of his eyes before answering, only to have the silky golden locks fall right back into place.

“Well, it was just so random, dude. But it was also weird because she told me that her friend was... a boy,” he said softly, looking at me for a reaction. “It was just kind of odd.”

“Oh really?” We walked out the front door of the school and down the front steps. He smiled at me and nodded. “I wonder who it could be?” Perhaps playing dumb would work?

“Yeah, me too... Cooper seems to think it's you.” I stopped dead in my tracks with fear, but then quickly pretended to laugh to cover up my panic.

“Psht! He can't… he can't really be serious...” I said, and then frantically tried to change the subject. I was too afraid to confess that it was me, even though I really wanted him to know. And as soon as I opened my mouth to talk about something else, I started beating myself up for being such a chicken. I was such a loser! I just... wish I was brave enough to tell him. “So which way do you live? Maybe we can walk toward home together.”

Tanis looked at me suspiciously, and I darted my eyes to the ground. Don't look at me like that, Tanis. I couldn't handle you judging me.

I noticed that Tanis wasn't answering, so eventually I glanced up again to find him still staring at me. He held eye contact with me for several seconds and then smiled, allowing his cheeks to fill with a deep red blush before he turned away. A small boyish giggle escaped his lips and he struggled to compose himself.

“I… I live that way.” He pointed in the direction of my home, to my relief. The conversation was hard to stomach… but I didn't want it to end. I would gladly spend every minute I had with him if I could, even if I spent those minutes scared shitless. I just wanted him to like me back, and I was afraid that if he didn't like me and he found out that I'm the boy Denika mentioned... then maybe he'd be uncomfortable being around me. I couldn't bear that. Though despite the fear, hope filled my heart and I found myself breathlessly talking to him again.

“I do too...” I said just above a whisper. It was like we had finally had a real moment, and it took my breath away.

My heart was beating so fast that I almost had to press my hand to my chest in some odd effort to keep from having a heart attack! Like I could just press against my chest and that would somehow keep my heart from exploding with this feeling I was having. It was so magical. It was just one of those sweet moments where time seemed to stand still, and suddenly you found it easy to absorb every single detail... from the look in his eyes to the color of his shoes. The emotion packed into those few short seconds made me feel alive, and at that point I knew I was really, truly, and undeniably falling for Tanis. He was just too sweet, too kind, too funny, and too cute not to give my whole heart to. I found it hard to believe that no one else was clamoring to be with him. He was just... perfect. Or maybe he was just perfect for me.

*HONK! HONK!*

Two loud honks made me jump back, as if my heart wasn't beating fast enough already, and scan the parking lot for the cause.

Tanis giggled at my reaction and pointed behind me to the source of the noise. The culprit was a light blue car, which pulled up near us with its window rolled down, and I rolled my eyes and pouted once I realized whose car it was. She ruined our moment!

The woman inside the car yelled out to me, “Hey there, Dilly Bear! How are you? It's been too long since I've seen my favorite nephew!”

It was my Aunt Lisa. She was a children’s book editor and lived nearby — just in the next county over. I would describe her as my 'cool' aunt, but the nicknames she gave sometimes made me reconsider. Her and my mom were similar in that way; she was my mom's sister. Although, she was slightly less weird than my mom, and she let me get away with a little bit more than my mom did. And for a teenager, that was a huge bonus in the ‘awesome’ category! So how could I not consider her to be ‘cool?’

However, I would have to rethink that designation if she ever interrupted Tanis and I again!

I looked in the window at her cheerful expression and waved hello. She lifted her sunglasses up out of her eyes and looked Tanis and I over. Suddenly, I felt a little bit embarrassed to be standing there with him, and I wasn’t sure why. This was the boy I liked! I should be so proud to stand by him... because I didn't think I was worthy of having someone so amazing in my life. So, I worked up some courage and turned to introduce Tanis to my aunt, but chickened out once I opened my mouth. Instead, I opted to turn back toward her and at least utter a hello.

“Hi Aunt Lisa,” I responded. My voice squeaked a little bit and I visibly cringed. I thought I was done with puberty! My cheeks flushed, and nervously, I tried to continue. “And it's only been a few days. I saw you on my birthday.”

I didn't want to be rude. I just wanted my private time... with Tanis. Was that too much to ask?

Suddenly, Aunt Lisa's face lit up, and she bounced in her seat in excitement. My eyebrows shot up, and I glanced back at Tanis with a look as if to apologize for my aunt's sudden and uncharacteristic weirdness. Usually, like I said, my mom was the weird one.

“Oh… is this Tanis? Your mom was going on and on to me earlier on the phone about him,” she said.

What did she say?! First off, my mom told her about Tanis? She must've told her that I was gay, too! How could my mom do that to me? But more importantly, I needed to shut up my aunt!

“How fun! You know how I love to hear such good stories about young lo-”

“Hey! Aunt Lisa, it's great to see you, but can I just talk to you later today? I was busy talking to my friend,” I interrupted, trying to convey the situation to her with my tone. At first she looked slightly hurt, but then she glanced over at Tanis and smiled.

“Oh, I'm sorry. I totally understand.” She smirked at me playfully before continuing. “Anyway, like I said, I had been on the phone with your mom on the way into town for a meeting, and I realized I was just in time to pick you up from school on my way. But, since you're busy, I'll see you soon then. Love ya, kid! Nice meeting you, Tanis!” she said, with a little wave to both of us.

“Bye, Aunt Lisa! Thank you!” I waved back, and she winked at me as she rolled the window up and drove away.

Once she was gone, I relaxed my shoulders and tried to breathe out all of the tension that her slip-up had caused to take hold of my body. ‘Breathe, Dylan... calm down and try to face Tanis,’ I thought over and over again as I prepared myself to turn around. Once I did, I was met with a sexy, piercing gaze from him. But there was something else hidden in his eyes behind that look... and it was fear. Not a bad kind of fear, like the kind where he'd want to run away from me screaming the next chance he got, but a nervous fear. The kind of fear that grips you when you feel like something is too good to be true, because he still looked happy to be around me; his smile was genuine.

“Sorry about my aunt,” I mumbled quietly, lost in the mystery of his eyes.

“What have you been telling your mom about me? Good things, I hope,” he said with a shaky voice, reaching down to fiddle with the hem of his shirt. He was trying to look calm, but I saw him shuffling his feet a bit.

I paused for a moment and just let myself absorb his beauty and demeanor before answering. I had seen him nervous and shy before, but he just seemed so vulnerable right now. It was so sweet! I wasn't used to seeing him like this, but it made me really happy to get to see a different side of him. And I cherished it just as much as all his other sides.

“I wouldn't have anything bad to say,” I responded. I tried to be honest and a little flirtatious, and thankfully it made his grin grow so huge that I thought it would split his face open! And suddenly, I saw the fear in his eyes disappear, and I felt my cheeks burn even more than they were before. I was speechless, and all I could muster up was the gesture for him to lead the way on our walk home. He gladly passed by me, and I thanked God quickly as I trotted up behind him to keep up.

Tanis had definitely grown some deep roots in my heart, that was for sure. And now that he had planted himself so deeply in there, I didn't think he'd be leaving anytime soon. And I didn't want him to.

No... I didn't want him to at all