Rooted in My Heart - 2. A Leap of Faith

You know, he was cute when he smiled. When he smiled, his whole face just lit up; it almost reminded me of a little kid getting something that they really wanted under the tree on Christmas morning. He just glowed so completely, and his dimples enhanced that whole aura tenfold.

He was cute when he blinked, too. I was absolutely fascinated with his eyes, and I just couldn't help getting lost in those gorgeous brown tones. He had such a playful twinkle in those eyes all the time, and it just made me feel so… overjoyed to get to know him at all.

I was doting too much, wasn't I? It's not like I could really help it. Hell, if I could stop liking him, I would, but there's a reason for everything, right? So, maybe there's a reason why I've developed such strong feelings for him. Maybe we were meant to find each other, like soul mates?

… I really shouldn't get ahead of myself.

I made a conscious effort to stop staring at Tanis and his friends, noticing Michael sitting next to him, and glanced to my side at Eden. She turned to me with a worried look painted on her face. God, I must look like such a mess. Even in the dark, you could probably see how anxious and tired I was.

"Are you okay? What happened?" she asked.

It was nice to see that she cared, but I didn’t think she’d want to hear my answer. Not the honest one, anyway. That’s a story I'd rather not get into with a girl I'm apparently more or less ‘dating.’ Or, rather, that everyone thinks I’m dating. And to make matters worse, the high school rumor mill has informed me that Eden was developing feelings. I felt bad for her, to be honest, knowing I didn’t see her the same way. Is this how Tanis sees me?

Eden and I were supposed to just go to the Spring Dance just as friends. We even said ‘friend-date.’ But that got a little lost in communication for all involved, apparently. I think matching our outfits and showing up together gave everyone the wrong impression… Eden included. I didn’t mean to give her hope or anything; I just wanted to have fun and fit in with our crew.

But I didn’t really fit in, did I? I was different. And thinking about it made my throat thick with suppressed emotion that I fought to swallow.

Since then, I've been getting a lot of peer pressure about asking Eden to be my girlfriend. Everyone was quick to say ‘She likes you,’ that ‘She'll say yes,’ and that ‘You two will make a great couple.’ That was sweet and all, but I had no intentions of letting it get this far, and I have no intentions of making it official either.

"I'm fine. I just had to get some fresh air — I have a bit of a headache," I half-lied. "I'll be okay."

"You look like you're worried about something. What's wrong?" she asked. And where would I even begin to explain? I just had to give her an excuse. That would be easier. “I have something for headaches in my bag if you need it.” She turned and started to dig through her purse.

She really was the ‘mom’ of the group. Meanwhile, Denika was the impulsive one, Megan was the jokester, and I was the over-thinker. And… Kyle was there too.

"I think the loud show and the weather changes are just affecting me. Or maybe I'm getting sick or something. I ran out to give my ears a break and breathe for a minute," I answered.

That was a pretty good excuse, if I do say so myself. I hope she bought that. I didn't really want to lie, but it'll have to do.

"Oh… I'm sorry you're not feeling okay." She turned and gave me a little hug. "Sorry, I probably shouldn't hug you. I don't want to get sick too!"

"Come on! Join the party!” I coughed and then sniffled playfully. “The mucus is nice and warm!" I didn’t want to lead her on… but she was my friend and I can still joke around with her, right?

She made a gagging expression and shifted in her seat towards the other side.

"Gross. You're disgusting!" She laughed and reached out to the side to swat at my arm. “Now I’ll definitely be taking some extra vitamins when I get home.”

Kyle tapped on my shoulder to say something, and I turned to listen while Eden went back to watching the show.

"When are you going to ask her to be official? Unless you’re a fag or something, bro,” he whispered, flashing me a shit-eating grin. Oh great, not this talk again. Yes, I was gay! I didn't want a girlfriend. But I didn’t want him to know that. Lord knows he’d treat me like even more of a sissy.

"Shut up!" I whispered back at him.

"Ah, dude! Do it!" he egged on. He didn't seem appalled at all by my rudeness, and opened his mouth to say something else. Kyle could never be deterred from his goal or mission. He was a pusher and a pesterer. Or, rather, just a pest.

"Just watch the show!" I whisper-yelled, sinking back into my seat in a huff.

He could just be so annoying sometimes. I think he tried to get along with all of us in his own way, and I got along with him on occasion. I could tell he was prodding me about Eden because he cared, and he probably wanted to see her and I happy like any friend would. But, still, my playful nickname for him was 'ass-face.' I think his whole tough-guy, macho side bothered me — being a jock on the school lacrosse team and all. He was Denika’s boyfriend, though, and I suppose he was my friend as well. So I had to play nice.

I did care about him — in my own way. If I gave it some thought, he was like a very annoying brother. But then again, I was an only child, so what would I know?

I sighed and shifted to lean on my armrest. No one can force me to ask Eden out, nor is it fair to her. I could deal with Kyle’s cutting words and pestering for one evening.

He did bug me about my relationship status a few more times throughout the show, which thankfully came to an end so I could escape. There were some pretty talented people in it, though. One girl sang a tune and sounded just like, if not better than, a professional. She was amazing! But not even her beautiful voice could distract me from the fact that he was right in front of us the whole time.

There he was, completely oblivious to the fact that I was mere feet away from him. Good thing the show was over though, because now I could get some breathing room. Watching him was driving me crazy, but I also knew that I would miss him when we left.

At least I could look forward to our video game match.

We finally navigated our way out of the crowded theater and headed our separate ways for the night, but Denika caught up to me and asked if I was feeling better. She scanned my face to get a reading on whether I not I would be lying to her when I decided to say something.

"Yeah. Thanks again. This was fun tonight! I wish they'd do more stuff like this!" I said, mustering an enthusiastic response. She narrowed her eyes but didn’t comment on it.

"They are, actually. They have stuff like this at the beginning and end of each year. I think they're having an ‘Air Bands’ show again in the fall after summer break.” I eyed her and tried to follow her ramblings. What on Earth was an ‘air band?’

“What is that?” I asked, giving up on deciphering it on my own.

“You don’t remember?” she questioned, raising an eyebrow. “Oh, right. I went with Kyle because your dad wouldn’t let you come.” I cocked my head and tried to recall what she meant, and then it came to me. Right. It wasn’t that he wouldn’t let me come, so much as that he was too drunk to drive.

“It’s a surprise, then. Think you can go this time? Pretty please? We can make a day of it! Just me and my bestest friend?" she begged, sticking out her bottom lip to give me a playful pout. She even went so far as to widen her eyes to give me the cutest little desperate plea I had ever seen. Well, not as cute as Tanis, but close — for a girl. "You're my best friend! Come on, we can even go out for ice cream afterwards. Please?!"

"Fine!" I yelled, then grumbled, "And you know I hate surprises. Are you happy now?"

"Extremely,” she responded with a smug grin. I rolled my eyes and kept walking toward the parking lot.

"Oh, wipe that toothy grin off your face. You owe me one now!" I said.

"Psh! You know you would have wound up going anyway, you Poopy-Head McSpazatron!" She gave me a serious look and then burst out laughing, pulling me right in with her.

"What… what?! W-Where did that come from?! I don't want that nickname!" I stammered. She stuck her tongue out at me, and it made me laugh harder. She could always make me laugh until I got tears in my eyes. "Geez, stop! Stop! It… it hurts to laugh!"

"Come on," she said. "Give me a hug!" She grabbed ahold of me and squeezed enough to nearly bug out my eyeballs. I laughed, but my breath hitched as the thought came to me again. ‘Tell her.’

“Hey, Denika, can I tell you something?” I asked. She was smiling, but it faded once she realized how serious I had gotten.

“Of course. Duh,” she said with a tender look. “What’s up? Is your mind still garbled up about Eden?”

My brain short-circuited for a moment. Right, she thinks I’m straight. That’s the normal thing. Would she understand if I told her? I’m sure she would… but maybe not. I swallowed, my eyes darting around to see if anyone was nearby, and settled my gaze on the pavement. I wasn’t ready.

“Something like that. Never mind. I’m just being goofy. I think you already helped me a lot. Love you tons,” I said, stepping forward to give her another tight hug. She pulled back and gave me a suspicious look, but decided to drop it.

"Text me tomorrow, ’kay?" Nodding at her to say yes, I glanced down and noticed she was wearing a friendship bracelet with Kyle’s name on it. It was sweet, and it made me glad to know she was happy with him. She didn’t get a lot of affection at home, except from her mom — but she was busy raising two little kids from her second marriage. Denika’s step-father barely acknowledged her, and her biological dad lived in another state with his new second family.

Perhaps some of that is why we got along, and why we understood each other.

"Sure thing," I promised, and I waved at her as she ran over to her mom’s car. Mrs. Canton, who was like a second mom, was in the driver’s seat and we smiled at each other in a small greeting. She rolled down her window and yelled out to me.

“Need a ride, D?” she asked. I thought it was sweet, but I had a lot on my mind and a walk could clear my brain. My house was right down the street anyway, so shaking my head, I told her it was okay.

I sighed to myself and started my way home, stewing in my own thoughts. I could tell Denika about ‘me’ after summer break at the air bands show — whatever that is. She never did say. I shrugged it off and thought about how she would react to finding out I was… well, you know, the ‘gay’ word. It felt weird to think about it, much less say it. But I wanted someone to know. I needed to relieve the pressure on me and stop hiding. And now I’d have all of summer to build up the courage.

It would be nice to have her know. I could really use her advice on… you know who. I shouldn't dwell on it — I really shouldn't — but he just overwhelms every thought I have.

I was totally overreacting about the rejection thing, right? He eventually texted me back! I just… I guess I'm jumping to conclusions left and right. I really shouldn't be so down on him. He's a really nice guy, and he wouldn't hurt me on purpose. At least, I didn’t think he would. I was so confused.

I made it home and fumbled for my keys to unlock the door, noticing the absence of my mom’s car in the driveway. When I finally got inside, I kicked off my shoes, mentally preparing for my dad and I to be alone together for a few hours.

Gay, faggot, disgusting, queer.

I cringed as his words flooded my brain. Again, they were never really directed at me — not yet. But with all of this on my mind, the memories of the words he would often use floated to the top of my thoughts. I didn’t want to disappoint him. But then again, he wasn’t doing a good job of making me proud either.

"Hey Dad!" I said as I walked past the kitchen and into the living room.

"Hey buddy! How was your talent show… thing?" he asked. He was standing over at the stove, and the house was filled with a savory, tomato and basil aroma. It smelled a lot like my mom’s sauce.

"It was great! There were some really talented people in it!" I plopped onto the couch and rearranged the throw pillows to make myself comfortable. My dad grumbled at me not to change the TV channel because he was listening to the news, then he asked me who won the competition. "This guy who did impersonations. He was hilarious and even did a bunch of female voices and was spot on," I answered.

“He talked… like a girl? What is he, a fag?” he asked, laughing to himself. “Don’t get all caught up in that… you know, uh, that gay shit, Dylan.”

Instantly, the joy I had from the day was sucked out of me, and my gaze turned down to the carpet. Could he go one day without the insults? It certainly seemed like he couldn’t sometimes. I knew he didn’t mean to hurt me… but it still stung. My eyes were unfocused as I mumbled out a soft “Okay.”

“I mean it, kid,” he said firmly. I nodded and asked what he was doing as I tried to recollect myself. His words always made me feel hollow.

"Me? I… uh, I'm stirring the… um, the food."

"What?" I asked, trying to hide the pain in my voice.

"I'm stirring the… um, I'm stirring mom’s sauce. I already, um, had a steak, but she told me to watch the sauce while she went to grab some more stuff from the store," he slurred. And then, I knew.

I was well-practiced and old enough to recognize the signs that he'd been drinking again. The gay comment had already hurt, but the drinking hurt more. And it never stopped.

I needed my dad, not… some drunk.

"Dad, have you been drinking?" I asked, dreading the answer.

"No! No, of course not! Why… why would you say… um, that?" he asked as he stumbled about the kitchen trying to find the lid for the pot of sauce. It was a tiny space, so he was having a hell of a time navigating it. He was a rather large man, after all, with a nice round beer belly.

" You don't think I can tell by now? Don't lie to me… please, Dad?" I pleaded, my voice wavering. From the couch, I could see him stagger a bit, and I ran my hand through my hair and tried to steady my breathing. Yes, he was an adult, and he could do what he wanted. Yes, he was the father and I was the son, and I had to do what he said, but most of the time, I felt like I was the adult in these situations.

"Just… go. I’ll finish cooking. Please,” I said sullenly, getting up to pad over to the kitchen in my sock feet. He looked at me with wide eyes and a lopsided grin for a moment, then realized how serious I was. I just… didn’t want to deal with him tonight.

"Suit yourself, buddy.” He shrugged and stumbled out of the kitchen, leaving me to cook dinner while he went to sleep it off. At least Mom taught me how to cook and would be home again soon.

I couldn’t stand it when he drank. I wish I could say this night was a rare occurrence, but it really wasn’t. This was an average night. It's either he's drunk, or he's really grumpy because he wasn't drinking. Take your pick.

I had good memories with him as a kid. He took me fishing, taught me how to ride a bike… but now, his sober days were just very far between. And he was rarely the dad I knew and missed.

Would it get worse if I told him about me? I… didn’t know. His words didn’t give me much confidence in his unconditional love… I just didn’t want him to hate me. I got so few good days out of him as it was.

Soon I heard keys jingling at the front door, and I knew my mom was back.

“Hey candy lady! Let me help,” I offered, grabbing some groceries from her as she walked inside.

“Hi pooch,” she greeted me. She followed me toward the kitchen, then waited for us to set everything down before giving me a tight hug. “How was your talent show thing?”

I was surprised she remembered. She had enough to worry about and keep track of, yet she still knew and cared about what I was doing.

To help keep us financially stable for the time being, my mom had to work two jobs. She worked as a teacher's aide for a Special Education class at Old Creek Elementary during the day, and many nights and weekends at a local candy store. So, unfortunately, I didn't get to see her as much as I used to. We were always using nicknames for each other, too, and most of the time I called her ‘candy lady.’ I'm not sure she liked being called that, but she called me all kinds of weird names too, like 'pooch,' for example. I really loved her though, and we were really close. She knew just about everything about me, and she'd probably be my best friend — if it weren't for the fact that she was my mom.

I kind of wanted to tell her, you know, about ‘me.’ We always talked about everything, and I trusted her not to freak out. At least… I hoped she wouldn’t. I really needed… someone. Someone to tell me I wasn’t weird or disgusting.

Who was I kidding, though. If I couldn’t tell my best friend on the planet, could I tell my mom? Probably not.

"The talent show… right. It was good I guess." I shrugged, my mood still dampened from dealing with my dad. “I saw you made your sauce. Thank you.”

I loved my mom's meat sauce, and so did everyone else who's ever tried it — or any of my mom's cooking or baking for that matter. She was the best cook in our whole extended family. I knew that she wanted to open her own little bakery or restaurant someday, but unfortunately, that wouldn't happen any time in the near future.

It made me sad to see her work herself to death at a job she doesn't even really like, but I admired her for doing what she believed was best for our family. No matter how worn down she got though, she always managed to keep going. I didn't know how she did it, but then again, that's why she was my hero: because she could.

“I wanted to do something special for you since I haven’t seen you in a while,” she said, smiling at me. She began to unpack the extra groceries and handed me some butter to put away.

"Well, it is special, and I appreciate it, mom. You're the best," I said as I gave her another huge hug from behind.

"Hey! Careful! You're welcome! Now let me go!" she begged. I let go of her and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"I love you!"

"I love you too," she said.

"Do you need any help with the rest of dinner?" I asked. She made it really fun to cook! From baking Christmas cookies in chef hats to blasting music and dancing around the kitchen, we would usually be laughing the whole time. I loved helping her whenever I could when it came to cooking, and I thought it might brighten my mood. Plus, I'd do anything to make her workload easier. She deserved a good rest.

"No, honey. I'm okay. Why don't you go do your homework or read or watch TV for a while? We'll eat soon. Okay?"

"Okay. Let me know if you need anything," I said, and then bounded up the stairs and toward my room. Pausing at the banister, I looked back down at the kitchen and felt a lump in my throat. I wasn’t sure where it was coming from, but my mom’s love for me made me want to trust her with my secret. I had been so in my head lately about just being ‘me,’ and I really wanted her to hug me and tell me I was going to be okay. It was okay to want that, right? I may not ever get that from my father, but from her…?

Gay, faggot, disgusting.

I blocked out my father and laid on my bed. A million and one thoughts were swimming around in my head. So many things were starting to pile up on me — so many problems, which, for one, were my dad's drinking habits. My mom would divorce him if he didn't get his act together. She would have done it already, but we couldn't afford to live separately — not since my dad's business went under a few years ago and we lost our house. Now, we just barely made it by in our cramped rented place.

Then, there was the Eden situation, the decision to tell Denika — and maybe my mom — my little secret after summer break, and this mess with Tanis.

Later that night, in my last moments of consciousness, I thought of blond hair and amber eyes, and I cried.

God, I was so pathetic. Just… when all else hurt and was confusing, he made my heart happy. I didn’t want to put that pressure on him, or put him on a pedestal. I knew that wasn’t fair, but… he made me feel better. Was that so wrong?

I just wish he felt the same. Maybe telling Denika or my mom would help relieve some of this stress. I really needed someone that I could vent to right about now.

*** 

The days began to run together, and soon we reached the last week of the school year. I was still a nervous wreck about Tanis and about talking to Denika. I wished I could get it over sooner, but I was being a chicken. That, and she was leaving on vacation out of state for a couple months so I wouldn’t have the opportunity.

Tanis, meanwhile, had begun talking to me again — not that he ever really stopped. It just seemed like some of his enthusiasm about it returned. I figured he had finished moving and was feeling better, but I didn’t want to pry. We weren’t that close… yet.

"Hey Dylan," said a voice next to me as I was walking toward the field with the rest of my class. I turned my head slightly to see Tanis smiling.

I hated him for making me love him. The way he said my name was just too… cool. My name always sounded so much better coming from his lips, which looked so soft and pillowy.

"Oh, hey Tanis. What's up?" I asked. I may have been a little on edge and depressed, but I would give the world to be able to have a conversation with him. When I was talking with him, nothing else mattered.

I remembered our plan to play video games together again soon, and I fidgeted as I tried to bring it up with him, not wanting our budding friendship to slip away over the summer.

"I'm going to maybe play a game or two this weekend to celebrate being on summer break. Want to meet up online then for our match?" He almost stopped dead in his tracks, like he was panicking at the very notion.

"Um… y-yeah. Sure. Cool," he said, and then quickly turned to say hello to Michael. While that was odd, I think I could consider that a major step in the right direction! I asked him to hang out — well, sort of. It was just below that step, though… like a step above talking on the phone, and a step below hanging out in person. Not bad for a day's work, if I did say so myself.

My mind flashed to Denika again. God, I needed to tell her even more now so she could give me some advice on how not to screw up things like a simple video game date… if you could even call it that. I wanted to think it was! But that’s… probably very wishful thinking. Though, I could certainly dream. And it looks like I’d be on my own with this one.

I kept thinking and thinking and… thinking some more about spilling my secrets to my best friend — and about the cute blond that made my heart ache — as I walked home after school. I put on some headphones and decided to listen to music to clear my mind. I've always loved and had a deep connection to music, and certain songs always seemed to burrow right into my very soul. Music just carried so much emotion.

The first song that came up was a sappy love song about first developing feelings for someone. That was almost freaky, because the song was just so… utterly perfect for my thoughts about Tanis. The singer's soft voice rang throughout my ears as she sang of exactly how I felt, and I was almost skipping on my way home.

I passed a café on the way, and realized that I was a bit sticky from the heat and humidity, and an ice cold drink sounded good. I stepped inside the shop, ‘Perks Coffee House’ — or ‘Perks’ for short, and hopped in line while I tried to figure out what I wanted.

I hadn’t been here before, and I curiously peered around to study the atmosphere. The walls and counters were all covered in a dark, warm wood. The menu was written neatly on a chalkboard, and there was a glass display case in the front filled with freshly made pastries. A nice little ‘mom and pop’-type place that smelled of freshly ground coffee beans and citrus.

I neared the front to order my drink and noticed the baristas swapping out for a new shift. What surprised me, though, was that I saw Michael walk behind the counter, tying his apron behind his back.

“Oh hey, man. What’s up?” he asked, flashing me a smile.

Now, I may have liked Tanis, but I could admit that Michael was pretty attractive. His short dark hair and piercing and expressive green eyes were always the first things I’d notice about him. He was slim, but he still had some deposits of baby fat in his cheeks that made him look innocent and younger than he was. He wasn’t super talkative most of the time, and he tended to hang out with more of the jock types — playing sports and video games.

Now, I was less coordinated than a one-legged hippo doing ballet, so sports weren’t my calling. But, I did bond with him over video games and school at least. And he had always been a nice guy. I just didn’t know much more about him yet.

“Hey Michael! I didn’t know you got a job. That’s so cool,” I said, taking another look around the shop.

“Yeah, got my work permit and started here a little while ago. Gives me some pocket money for friends, dates, and stuff,” he said, brushing off my amazement like it was no big deal.

“Dates, huh?” I wagged my eyebrows at him and he laughed.

“Yeah, yeah. What can I get you?” he asked.

I gave him my order, paid, and waited for him to deliver it to me at the counter. A few minutes later, he called my name and handed me my drink and a sheet of paper.

“What’s this?” I questioned, holding it up to study it.

“It’s a job application,” he answered, smirking at me. “In case you’re interested. I wrote my number in the corner if you have any questions about the place or interview process. You should apply.”

“Giving me your number, Michael? So forward,” I said, flashing him a small smile. He just rolled his eyes.

“Don’t make it weird, man,” he said. I could tell he was joking and brushing it off, and I’m sure he didn’t mean it to sting, but it did.

Right. Gay was weird. Maybe… maybe I shouldn’t tell anyone and then I could just stay… normal in their eyes.

“Yeah, don’t be a fag dude,” came a voice to my right, startling me. It just had to be Kyle. I jerked away from him in surprise and gave him a half-hearted smile. My brain tried to form an answer to his comment, but it couldn’t. He had kicked me right when I was already starting to feel down — whether he knew that or not.

Michael scrunched his eyebrows and told Kyle not to be rude, but the damage was done. They both gave me a quick goodbye before moving over to the register to take Kyle’s order.

I waved unenthusiastically at them as I walked outside and tripped the shop’s little entry bell. My feet moved me along on my journey home, but my mind was miles in the other direction. Every time I felt like I was growing comfortable in my own skin and happy to have these jittery feelings in my chest over Tanis, something came in to remind me of reasons to doubt myself.

I just wanted to be me and to be happy. Was that too much to ask?

My eyes burned and my cheeks started to get wet as my emotions bubbled over. I was so tired and hurt and alone… and a sense of hopelessness began to creep in that I couldn’t shake off. I tried to remember how my day had started off perfectly — with Tanis and I making plans to spend time together — but Michael and Kyle’s words had poisoned my whole day. I shouldn’t have let it get to me so deeply; I knew that. But rationalizing didn’t stop the tears.

I finally reached our dingy old street, then slowly made my way up our front steps and unlocked the door. My face was red and tear-stained, I was sure. Hell, I was probably still crying. I couldn’t really tell, actually. I just felt numb. Like something finally broke inside me.

"Hi pooch! How was school?" my mom asked from the couch. She was watching some baking show, but glanced over to me as I walked in. I turned my head to face her and she immediately sat up and muted the TV. “Honey, what’s wrong?” I raised my hand to wipe at my cheeks and turned to kick off my shoes.

"Hey Mom. Nothing, I’m okay," I said, trying my best to lighten up for her sake, but she wasn’t buying it. She got up and walked toward me, motherly worry radiating from her as she got closer. I ducked my eyes away, but she tried to angle my shoulders to look at her.

“Nice try. What’s wrong?” she asked again.

I was ready for her to know; I had been for a while. I was just terrified, especially given my dad’s attitude. Michael and others might think being gay is weird, but my own mom would support me, right? And I was liable to explode if I had to wait another second to tell someone. That someone was supposed to be Denika, but why not both? Besides, I couldn’t hold it in for another couple months. At this point in my life, I needed a strong support network. I could find that in Denika, and in my mom.

I took a deep breath, and tried to find the words to tell her what was bothering me. The thought of relieving the pressure inside was so appealing.

“I just had a bad day at school, Mom. I’ll be okay. I promise.” I chickened out, again.

My mom let her hand linger on my shoulder and searched my eyes for a moment, likely contemplating what to do. She sighed and leaned in to give me a hug.

“You can tell me anything. You know that, right?” she asked. My breath hitched and I fought to choke back a sob.

“I know,” I said, returning her embrace. She squeezed me tight, then backed away. She eyed me for a moment before waving me off.

“Dinner will be ready soon, pooch.” I smiled at her and turned to head upstairs.

What would I say to her at dinner? Would she bring it up again? How could I just come right out and tell her about me?

The thoughts kept swirling in my head as I flopped onto my bed and stared at the ceiling. I studied it, finding spots where the paint was chipped or imperfect. While I hoped that would help me zone out, imaginary steam was coming out of my ears as my brain worked overtime. Then, suddenly, an idea came to me. I remembered what Cooper had told me at the talent show about finding twenty seconds of courage and being brave.

Just for twenty seconds.

That thought stuck in my mind. And it stayed there… and stayed there… and would not leave. Maybe Cooper had helped me in more ways than one.

With his words in mind, I eventually went downstairs for supper.

"Hey! I fixed you up a plate already. It's over on the table," my mom said as I walked into the kitchen. She smiled gingerly, probably not sure how to act around me. I could tell she still suspected something was wrong, but she made no move to bring it up again.

"Thank you, Mom," I responded, and took a seat. I scooped some cubed watermelon onto my plate and looked out the window at the summer sunset before digging in. A mom’s home-cooked meal was always comforting, but it was also delicious with my mom’s talent. "So, how was work today?" I asked. She studied me for a moment before sitting down.

"Oh, it was okay. The kids weren't too bad today," she said. "Brandon wandered away from our class during the friday assembly today, and Mrs. Ball and I had a huge panic attack when we couldn't find him in that big crowd. I swear, they don't pay us enough to deal with those kids sometimes."

"I'm sorry. I still think you should take the test to become a substitute teacher. Or, maybe get a job as a secretary or something at the district office. It’d be full-time. Then you might not have to work two jobs anymore! Though I couldn’t call you ‘candy lady’ anymore.” I smiled at her and she rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, maybe someday. If I did, then I might be able to get away with the one job — but that means I’d be bringing home less candy for you," she answered. I pouted and she gave me a look to show she was joking. "How's the food?"

"Perfect, as always," I said, and then gave her a warm grin.

“Made it just for you, hun.” She returned the smile. My expression dimmed as I refocused on my plate. Her love sparked a conflict in me, and I was suddenly ashamed for keeping secrets and for avoiding her earlier. I poked at my food slowly with my fork. "So where's Dad?" I asked.

"Oh, he had to make a trip this morning for a business meeting. The clients that he was meeting with needed him to be there tomorrow, too, so he'll be back tomorrow night," she answered.

Okay, perfect. I'd be able to have this conversation without having to worry about talking to my dad, too. I would hope he could accept me if he found out, but with our relationship rocky as it is, I thought it best that he didn't know yet… and I'm sure my mom would understand. Besides, they hardly talked to each other any more anyway.

The rest of our dinner, we continued to chat away about this and that. I always loved talking to her, and I really missed it sometimes. Most nights, she or my dad — or both — was working.

Would she still talk to me if I told her?

When we finally finished our meal, I helped my mom with some of the cleanup by doing the dishes. It was a little bit tedious to have to wash and dry them all by hand because of our stupid, broken dishwasher. My mom finished putting things away from cooking and started walking toward the couch. She sat back against the pillows and called me over.

"So, I gave you some time to breathe. I’m going to ask you again though. What was up with you earlier? Is there something you need to tell me? Are you okay?"

My heart dropped. I took a moment to gather my thoughts and sucked in a deep breath to calm myself down. It was now or never.

"Um…yeah, er…no. No, I'm not," I said, my eyes finding the carpet below.

"What's wrong?" My hands were shaking and my eyes were already misting up. But I had to get it out. To someone.

Twenty seconds. I thought of Cooper’s words again. And I thought of my dad, and Michael, and Kyle, and Denika, and Tanis, and the stinging comments, and the emptiness. And I couldn’t hold it in.

"Mom," I started, the words spewing out of me suddenly. "I love you so much. You're almost like a best friend to me and I feel like I can tell you anything, but I've been having a really hard time telling you this.” I sniffled a bit, but tried to keep going. My gaze settled on the plush pillow next to me.

“I need to do this though, because I really need your support, both as my mom… and as a friend." I stopped to wipe away a tear from my eye. “I really need a friend right now.”

My mom’s eyes went wide and she started to get up to come to my side, but I held a hand up to stop her. My chest became constricted and I choked back a breathy sob.

I was terrified, but I needed to say it. Keep going, Dylan. I needed to have someone know that I wasn’t the me they thought I was; that I didn’t want to date Eden; that I wanted to just be me and not be weird or disgusting; that I was hurting over this… forbidden crush; and that I just felt so… lonely. So stressed. So scattered.

I took a deep breath.

"Mom, I'm gay."