A Life - As It Was - 4. Chapter 4

You may have noticed that I've altered slightly the way I'm telling you about my life, that's because it's easier for me verbalise and explain some parts and it's less painful for me, it still hurt's some times. I hope you don't mind too much.

Chris

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After Carl had calmed down and stopped laughing Jack took him down stairs, leaving me with Maggie and Janet. Maggie opened the windows to let some air in, it had become warm and stuffy with so many people in the bedroom. Then came back to sit on the bed taking hold of my hand.

That's when Janet explained what was happening, and what was planned. She was going to cancel the place in the children's home, as Maggie and Jack had agreed that I could stay there for a while longer. She was going to visit on a regular basis to check on how things were going. As long as everything was going well then I would be staying with them for a long time, but if things started to go wrong then she would look at placing me with different foster parents. I was also told that Maggie and Jack would be given an allowance to buy me new clothes, and that arrangements may be made for me to go to school with Carl. All of this sounded good to me but how long was I staying for? How long is a long time?

To a five year old boy a week is a long time, to this five year old boy – me – it was an eternity. New clothes and plans for a new school, that was more than a week wasn't it? Still all that I could think about was, how long would it be before they didn't want me any more. How long before Carl didn't want a 'dirty pissy little boy' for his friend. How long before Maggie and Jack become tired of this 'dirty useless boy', one who pisses the bed. How long would it before they started to hit me and wanted to send me away. Those thoughts didn't leave me for a very long time.

After Janet left the rest of the day was spent playing board games and watching tv. It's funny now thinking back to how excited I was to watch the tv, to me it felt really special. Even back in then, in the 60's not everyone had a tv. The one we had back home was a small screen built into a big cabinet and was old, I wasn't always allowed to watch it. But this one was huge, well a 21 inch screen is huge to a little guy, and they were all black and white in them days, colour tv hadn't been invented then.

We had a break in our activities for butties, that's sandwiches for those that don't understand. Later in the day we had our evening meal, my first with this family. The memory of that meal will stay with me for the rest of my life and it became comfort food to me. It was a really good beef stew and dumplings. When I got older I had to learn how to make it, using Maggie's recipe of course. Every time I eat it I think back to that day and other good memories.

Anyway back to that day. When Carl and me started to get tired we were sent to get changed into pyjamas ready for bed. I was trying to fight sleep, but to bed we went, sleeping in the same room in different bed's.

We laid there in the semi-darkness talking, semi-darkness because the light had been left on outside the bedroom and the door was slightly open. Carl was telling me about his school and his teacher. It was years later before I realised that he had never talked about friends, while he was talking he fell asleep leaving me in the quiet semi-darkness. I know I was trying not to go to sleep, I was scared of wetting the bed. I was scared – full stop. Scared of wetting the bed, scared of being hit, scared of a big brother climbing into my bed and 'hurting' me again. The only way to describe it is that it was like waiting for the boogie man to jump out of a dark corner or from under the bed and kill you, like in the horror films.

I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I remember was waking up with a painful feeling in my lower stomach and jumping out of bed holding my little willy, I needed the toilet and didn't know what to do. I must have woken Jack because he came into the room, I almost pissed my pants expecting him to hit and shout at me, instead he opened the door wider smiled at me and told me to hurry to the bathroom. I made it just in time thinking that I would never stop pissing.

I darted back to the bedroom, ducking and flinching as I ran past Jack waiting for the slap, because I'd woken him up, and jumped into bed. The fear that gripped me when Jack stepped over and put his hand in my bed feeling the mattress was almost indescribable, I couldn't breath, I went all cold and broke out into a cold clammy sweat, all I could think about was how much 'things hurt' when my brothers came to my bed. I remember Jacks calm voice telling me that I'd done good getting up and going to the bathroom. Then he went back to his bed. The relief was, well huge, my heart was beating so hard it hurt. I was still full of fear but I must have calmed down as I did go back to sleep in the end.

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The next few days and weeks were a mix of different activities, it was the school holidays, and the food I was eating was the best I'd ever had, some I'd never had before. Some days we went to the shops and we even had a trip into town when I got lots of new clothes. To me it was like a dream come true, that's the good dreams not the bad ones, I was still having those too and still had that inner nagging fear and doubt. Maggie decided to leave buying school clothes until the end of the school holidays.

My friendship with Carl was getting better all the time, we grew close and we were a pair of typical five year olds having fun and getting up to all sorts of mischief. One thing that stands out in my mind is that when we mis-behaved, we never got hit, that fear was still there but it didn't happen. Jack barely even raised his voice, Maggie shouted at us a couple of times, but we were never hit! We even got hugs!! I didn't feel comfortable with the hugs at first but soon got used to it, even looking forward to them. Another thing that didn't happen was any older brothers climbing into my bed, even though I did have bad dreams about it, Carl did but that never bothered me, he was my friend.

I was getting more comfortable the more time went by, but those inner fears were always still there. Sometimes I'd wake up in the morning and Carl would be in bed hugging me. He always told me that I'd been crying in my sleep and he wanted to make me feel better. They must have been the nights I had the bad dreams.

I remember one of those nights I wet the bed and was crying really hard when Maggie came in. Nobody made a big thing of it, even though she had to clean us both as we'd been sharing the bed that night. Jack sorted the bed out and we were both put into the other bed, with hugs!! how surprising was that!!

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Just before the end of the holidays Janet came for one of her visits. I never really understood these visits but she always spent time talking to Maggie, and Jack when he wasn't working, she always talked to me checking that I was happy.

This visit was different though. She wanted to talk to me about going to school and what was going to happen with me. What did she mean by that? I got it into my head that she was going to take me away. Nooooooo she can't, I don't want to go. I got so upset that upset doesn't describe it, I was hysterical.

That's when I screamed out, “No I don't want to go anywhere. I want to stay here at home with Mum and Dad.” Then I stopped still sobbing, I don't know why I said that, they weren't my Mum and Dad, they were Carls. I'd not called them that before, but it felt right, I liked it there, no I loved it there, I wanted them to be my Mum and Dad and that felt right too.

I think Carl froze, I know that Maggie took me into one of her magical hugs calming me down. Then I got the best news ever in my life, well I thought it was at the time. While Maggie was drying my tears I was told the plans for my future.

I was staying with Maggie and Jack permanently. I would definitely be going to school with Carl. Now your waiting for the but, just like I was. I didn't like it but I had no choice but to go along with it, well five year olds don't get many choices in life do they. I had to see someone, a Child Psychologist, to talk about what had happened to me and to help me adjust. You try saying Psychologist when your five years old, it's not easy, so we went with 'Special Doctor' instead.

I still don't know who was more excited, me or Carl, it was probably me, I think. That's when Jack came home and wanted to know what all the excitement was about. He obviously knew but he wasn't giving the game away. Getting down on one knee he pulled Carl into a one armed hug and asked me what was going on. Nervously I told him what Janet and Maggie said, that I could stay there permanently and asked him if it was true. Smiling and nodding his head he told me that, yes it was true.

With some prompting from Janet I asked what I'd been wanting to ask for a few weeks, Janet knew what it was because I'd told her in one of our talks.

I was nervous, a little scared even and shaking inside when I sheepishly asked, “If I stay here will..... you....a a and.... Maggie..... be..... m m my M m mum and Dad?” Yep I even remember the stuttering.

I'd never really seen a grown-up cry before, and both Maggie and Jack had tears running down their faces. I got worried thinking I'd done something wrong and was going to get into trouble for upset them. Then I got pulled into a big 'family' hug and heard Maggie and Jack say “Yes.”