Magic Man - 1. Chapter 1

Part 1

Two weeks. Fourteen days, 336 hours, 20,160 seconds...however you want to look at it, it's all the same. Funny, it seems as though I felt every last one of those seconds tick by individually, counting them as though I had nothing better to do other than breathe. Two weeks into the new school year. Is that long enough for me to fall back into my old stupid routine without breaking the ultimate promise that I had made to myself to change? To finally become somebody different...somebody better. Who knows? Well, Gavin, it looks like you struck out again bro.

I was walking down that high school hallway, surrounded by kids, surrounded by noise, surrounded by opportunities to make a hundred new friends each and every day. And yet...I had never felt so alone. So...apart from everyone and everything else in existence. It's a curse that I suppose I should have learned to live with by now.

I wish I could just once find an explanation for my place in their world. Why some people seem to rise to the top so very easily, and others are constantly getting stepped on, or ignored, or just plain forgotten. It's frustrating to see them smiling as though life gives them everything that they could ever want to be happy. I HATED them for that! But do you know what really sparked my distaste for society's 'chosen ones'? The fact that I loathed them with all my heart...but would jump at the chance to trade places with any one of them. It sounds so backwards, but I wanted to be the kind of person I disliked the most. I wanted to sit back and coast through life without a care in the world for a change. I wanted to have the chance to be a snob, to have people both appreciate and envy me, to just be...noticed. But this was not the case.

I felt like a 'spectator' to life in general. Always expected to watch, but never invited to play. I saw other people laugh, I saw them have fun, I saw them have serious conversations that I'm sure no one would ever have with me. I saw boys and girls kissing in plain sight of everybody else, I saw them sneak off into the bathrooms together for privacy, I saw them borrow cigarettes from each other, occasionally pass a bag of weed back and forth. I'm far from being a pot head, but you've gotta admire the bond they have with one another. It's absolutely unbreakable. I look at all of this, day by day, and wonder if there is a particular category for ME to fit into. If there is a group of kids from this school, that right now are hanging out together, doing the things that I like to do, and talking about the things that I love to talk about. I wonder if they're in some darkened corner of the school, whispering about how long it's taking me to find them. I wish I could believe that. Because the way things are now, I find myself frowning up my face at other people's happiness. How sick is THAT? I'm actually...bitter, and all because I can't have what they have. I'm like some spoiled little brat begging his mom for a video game because I'm the only one on the block who doesn't have it yet. I feel like they're 'showing off' in front of me. Every time they smile, every time they give each other a high five, every time they make plans to go somewhere after school. I feel it inside, and my stomach twists up, tying itself into a tight knot, until I find some silly reason as to why I shouldn't care about what they have. 'I don't need to hang out with them,' I'd tell myself, 'I've got better things to do anyway.' Psh...who am I fooling? If one of those kids were to walk over and ask me to come get some burgers with them after school, I'd practically break my neck running to catch up with them. And there lies the big paradox...I don't want to be the kind of person they hate, I want to be like the person *I* hate. There has got to be some kind of mathematical formula out there that will allow that to make perfect sense.

I'd like to think that I'm pretty confident. Self esteem isn't really a problem for me...at least, it didn't used to be. Then, some time after my 12th birthday, all of that changed. 'Fitting in' became the most important thing on Earth for me, and once I realized that I didn't fit in as well as I thought I had...everything fell apart. It was like being a lone wolf without a pack to identify itself with. Left out in the wilderness to fend for myself. It was a lonely feeling sometimes, a depressing feeling at others, and all I wanted was for one person, just ONE, to understand that. Not even 'cure' it...just understand it. I guess I just wasn't meant to be popular, or even social for that matter. I just have to shrug my shoulders and learn how to operate on my own, because I never reached my 'popularity' goal in my old school, and Lord knows I won't ever reach it HERE.

I was named after my dad, Gavin Blake Jr., which was cool, but sometimes I doubted if I deserved the name. My dad, he was a go getter, a person with real motivation. He would set his mind in motion and just go after things with such determination that he had no choice but to succeed. I always admired that. He tried to instill the same values in me when I was younger, but I truly believe that he gave up the fight by the time I went to junior high. I was the one project that my father couldn't conquer, even if he was one of the most determined people on the planet. A far cry from his brown haired, green eyed, overweight son, who spends most of his time thinking about what he wants to do instead of actually doing it. Don't get me wrong, I probably have enough ambition to fill the Atlantic twice over. I have dreams and creativity and patience. But for some reason I never seem to be able to get that one big boost that makes everything fall into place. I never find that lucky break that is going to make everything come together and rocket me into a world where everything goes my way for a change. I must have picked up a lazy gene somewhere, and now I guess that I'm just stuck with it.

My sister, Faith, however, fit perfectly between my slacker personality and my dad's perseverance. Which basically made her normal in most people's eyes. Lucky for her. How she can only be three years older than I am, and be so much more popular, is a complete mystery to me. It's so damn easy for her. She just smiles in somebody's direction, and they're entranced by her. I watch her interact with people sometimes, even complete strangers, and it baffles me. Conversation comes so naturally to her, so effortlessly. It rolls off of the tip of her tongue like she rehearsed it the night before, and whoever it is that she's talking to, just eats it up like she was the Virgin Mary in the flesh. If only I could figure out what formula Faith was using to figure out what to say to people, I could use it to maybe make a few friends myself. I mean, I had not ONE friend in the whole school. Not one. A small pack of 'acquaintances' that would speak to me for the simple reason that they saw me everyday and had an obligation to be polite. But no real 'friends' to call my own. No one to talk to or party with or spend all night talking on the phone to about bullshit and gossip. Just me and my pitiful thoughts, day in, day out. It was the same old daily routine. Get up, go to school, survive school, go back home, get some sleep, repeat. That was my life. And while I didn't necessarily hate it...it wasn't really what I was hoping it would be.

I mean, this is high school, right? I'm supposed to have parties, and experiment with drugs and sex and alcohol. I'm supposed to have three dramatic shut downs and at least one crisis a week. I'm supposed to be defying my parents, dropping my GPA, getting a car, playing an organized sport, planning for college, and worrying about who I was going to take to the school dance...but...I'm not. None of that has happened for me. No inspiration has really hit me from any direction, and sometimes it can be a scary feeling. Being lost, but not knowing why. Knowing that I'm missing out on something, but not knowing what. Wanting to just pack up and go someplace else, but not knowing where. Whatever was wrong in my life, I wanted to repair it somehow. To find the ONE thing that I was doing so completely wrong, and CHANGE it. To...just have people notice me as more than the shy kid in the back of the class with nothing interesting to say. Sigh...they must think I'm such a goof. If these are the best years of my life, then I am going to have a very sad existence indeed.

Faith was always there to reassure me when she saw that I was feeling down. God bless my sister for being there. We were hardly the bickering brother and sister like the ones on television. We actually cared for one another, even if we didn't say it out loud. Ever since the 3rd grade, she would tell me that I was cool, and nice looking, and that I could have fun anytime I really wanted to. She always said that 'my day would come', and that there are answers just on the other side of the fence, I just had to climb over. I always took so much comfort in that. It worked every single time. Until I realized that the closer I walked towards that magical fence, the further and further it got away from me. And there were many times when I sat still and refused to chase it any further. That's when Faith would put her arms around me, pick me up, and make me smile again. That's just how things went. I would get upset over something, and then Faith would step in to tell me that everything would be alright...eventually. After that, I would give her a hug, and sometimes she would just hold me there for as long as I needed her to. She was always there for me, I could depend on her like I could the sunrise. Who knows? Maybe one day...I'll have the courage to tell her that her sweet 14 year old brother, Gavin, is gay.

Yeah, I'm sure that fact doesn't help with the whole 'fitting in' theory. Nobody knows, and I think I put on a pretty convincing act, so I'm sure that nobody has figured it out. Unless of course they did, and just don't care one way or the other. That's always a possibility. I remember that I first felt the sting of homosexuality in the 4th grade. It was the first day of school, and we were being assigned locker partners for the school year. There was this boy sitting across the room from me, short dark hair, big hazel eyes, big cute dimples surrounding his boyish grin, and I KNEW at that very moment that I wanted him to be paired up with me. And believe it or not, from the luck of the draw alone...he WAS! I took it as a good omen. His name was Jeremy. I got to talk to him for the first time as we got our locker combinations and practiced opening it together. He was just so cool in every possible way. I was hooked on his personality after the first five minutes. I wasn't in love, not at first anyway, but I knew that he liked me and he seemed like he would 'make a good friend'. How I came to that conclusion on looks alone, I don't know. But it's what I felt inside, and it brightened my day to know that he was going to be there. Well, we would run into each other a lot at that locker, and by the third week, I was practically passing out at the idea of being close to him. I think the whole thing struck me full force one day when I actually found myself secretly sniffing the scent on his jacket after recess! Hehehe, now that I remember it, it IS kinda perverse! But after that day, I was infected with a terminal case of puppy love like you wouldn't believe. No matter how many times Jeremy smiled at me, I always wanted just one more. He was beautiful. We remained good friends, at least I thought that we had. Then...came the 7th grade. When I began to see and hear how close the other kids really were. It was then that I realized that I wasn't as 'friendly' as I wanted to be with this kid. All that time, I was thinking that I had a best friend, but there weren't any deep discussions between me and him. There weren't any sleepovers, or camping trips, or movies. I had never been to Jeremy's house, or talked to him on the phone for longer than a few minutes. I looked at the people around me, and finally understood that HE was actually doing all of these things...with other boys. So were all of the other kids in my classes. They were out having fun, getting together, spending time with each other...and here I was fooling myself into thinking that they were my friends simply because they spoke to me at school everyday. Many aqcuaintances...zero friends. It was a heartbreaking experience. And downright devastating when I tried to get closer to the people that I talked to all the time. I tried to extend our friendship outside of school, maybe to meet on a weekend or something...and not a single one of them was really interested. Not one. They already HAD friends by that point. What the hell did they need me for? Everything felt 'fake' all of the sudden. Like some artificial clone of what a social life should be. I wasn't popular, or even liked, by the other kids all that much. I was a permanent fixture in the classroom everyday. They just 'expected' me to be there. I was a part of the backdrop, nothing more. I was no different than the classroom blackboard in their eyes. I almost wished that they hated me...at least it was some form of attention.

Later on, when my hormones kicked into full gear, things only got worse. I got self conscious, put on weight, had a few zits...puberty ran its course, and took complete control of my mindset. The shell that I had once crawled into began to thicken...and I soon came to the conclusion that I was better off alone. A solution that I was hoping I'd be able to break someday. No such luck. Once I detached myself from the people around me, what little popularity I HAD, plummeted to ground zero. I had forfeited my turn, and they refused to let me 'play' anymore.

Which brings me to 'Gavin's Big Promise' for my first year in high school. I made it one hot day over the summer, when my mom took me 'back to school' shopping at the mall, and I saw some of the other kids store hopping in groups of two or three a piece. So happy. So content. They shared everything. They laughed together, played together, traveled in packs and made memories that they could one day look back at as 'the good ol' days'. They shared their problems, and bought each other gifts, and were just...there for one another. Whether it was for support, or for fun, or just for a heavy dose of the latest gossip. And I WANTED that! I wanted it so badly that I refused to let another school year go by me without at least taking my best shot at it. I mean, this was my chance. I was going into high school! No more junior high, where everybody knows each other and have been friends since they were practically embryos in the womb. This was a much bigger school, more kids, from all over town, thousands of them. I would finally get an opportunity to change my image of being the dork who never talks to anybody. This would be fresh blood. A clean slate where nobody knew me and they wouldn't have my bad history to judge me by. I was so sure that I could do it. I would get new clothes, maybe cut my hair different, speak up a little louder, hang out a lot more, it would be awesome! I'd become a TOTALLY different person, and I'd RUN that place by the time I was a senior. How hard could it be, right? Sigh...dreams. All dreams. My confidence and new attitude on life was cut in half by the end of the first day. By the second day, the rest was mercilessly infested with 'insecurity termites' that ate away at my perfect plan until it came crashing down to the ground. My efforts had changed, but the reaction was the same. They didn't buy it, not for a second. I could change my looks, I could change my clothes, I could change the way I walk and talk...but I couldn't change ME. And I was the problem from the beginning. I couldn't become something likable, no matter how hard I tried. God that hurt. I felt so helpless...so 'typecast' in a role that I simply didn't want to play anymore. But I was locked in, and this life got socially planned out for me without my input. So here I am...two weeks after my attempt at self revolution...and I'm right back where I started...

...Alone.

There was no avoiding it. They didn't have any interest in what I had to say. They didn't care about me. They didn't have any USE for me. So I'm stuck. Confined within the walls of what is considered 'normal behavior' for me. What was I going to do, snap my fingers and turn my life around? It's just not that easy. I could leave this school, I could leave the country, I could leave the fucking PLANET and study on Mars...but I'd still be me, and that still wouldn't be good enough for people to spit on, much less be friends with. Grrr...self pity, my old arch nemesis. Ok Gavin...break out of it, man. We don't need a 'downy clowny' face going into English class. I've only got a few more periods to go today, and then I can go home and cry it out later. I accepted the fact that I was gay...accepting my place as a total loser should be no different.

POW! While lost in my thoughts, I accidentally bumped into somebody in front of my classroom. "Sorry man, go ahead." He said. Sigh...oh heavenly beauty...Joshua Roth is thy name. He was probably the one reason to even bother to keep coming back to this godforsaken place. I saw him for the first time two weeks ago during orientation. I was so in love with the very aura that surrounded him...it was so incredibly angelic. He took my breath away. He took EVERYBODY'S breath away. He was leaning over to get a drink of water from the fountain that day, and my chest felt heavy as I tried to drink in the very essence of him. I didn't want anyone to see me staring at him in the hallway, but more importantly, I didn't want to miss a single movement of his body. Every single second of the sunlit beauty that poured out of him uncontrollably, would be a miraculous moment in time. The sweet way he pursed his lips as the cool water rose up to greet them, the way his hair fell slightly into his eyes, but never got wet, the subtle crease in his soft stomach as he bent over, the most erotic curve gracing his back all the way down to his calves...sigh...he was a walking miracle. And when I saw him later on that same day actually sitting in my English class...I nearly had a stroke! There were only three seats left in the entire room, there were two right next to him, and one waaaaay on the other side of the room. I mean, if I had been any further away from him, I would have been in the school's courtyard. Naturally, I took the one far away. I couldn't sit next to him! I didn't DARE! I would have hyperventilated at the thought of being that close to him. It would have been a year long erection that would have driven me crazy by the end of the first month. So...I sat as far away from him as the classroom would allow. But no amount of distance could calm my nerves whenever he entered the room. I just loved the very 'nature' of him...from the soft features of his face to his innocent eyes, and back again. The seductive curve of his hips, his smooth neck, his dainty fingers, his long legs...God, he was gorgeous. He was about 3 or 4 inches taller than me, I'm sure. Slim and smooth...not a single hair on his face. Huge deep blue pools for eyes that were beyond explanation. I had never seen that color of blue before, not on anyone else. His eyes were absolutely hypnotic. He had sandy blond hair curtaining both sides of his face, shiny and soft. Pink lips. Long arms. Alluring voice. I studied every inch of him while sitting in that classroom. Wishing that I could somehow describe the feelings that he inspired in me, just by being in his presence. But everytime I tried to define him, he would do something inanely cute and totally up the standard. Continuously breaking through every limit that I had set for him. He was a sight to behold. A fragile antique that was meant to be admired but never touched. I told myself that I wasn't going to get all infatuated or anything, that would just be a complete waste of my time. Of my LIFE. He's straight, he's 'untouchable' in more ways than I can count, and he's much too cute to be seen with a grotesque hog like me. I've learned my lesson considering falling for the wrong guy. I've had approximately 19 and a half heartbreaks in my 14 years of life. All in junior high. I say a 'half' because I fell for some cute boy that I met while being sick in the nurses office at school. And he actually talked to me for a while! It was great...and then I threw up all over his shoes. It was the quickest crush that I had ever experienced, lasting less than 25 minutes. He didn't talk to me again after that. It's kinda hard to forget somebody's breakfast being spilled out at your feet. Anyway, I wasn't looking to add Josh to my catalogue of childhood traumas. Or anyone else 'out of my league', for that matter. No more love, no more crushes, no more fantasies. Just...a few sighs and maybe a couple of dreamy glances. Joshua wasn't going to worm his way into my list of failures, I was going to make sure of that.

"No...it was my fault. Um...after you." I said after being struck silent for what was probably too long. He smiled and walked into the classroom in front of me as I fought the urge to look at his butt. I always fight it. Now that I think about it, I don't believe that I've ever even seen his butt. Not on purpose. Arrrgh! What the hell am I doing? Sit down and shut up already! I am NOT going to walk into my English class looking at another boy's butt! No matter HOW cute he is! I took my seat against the far wall and twirled my pen in my fingers, trying not to give in to the temptation of staring at him. But my will power never lasted long, and I would find myself looking every few seconds just to see what he was doing. Ohhh it was breathtaking just to watch him breathe in silence. Simply beautiful.

I attempted to concentrate as much as humanly possible throughout the class period, and when the bell rang for us to switch classes, I made sure to walk behind him as he left. I just wanted to stare at the back of his head as we walked down the hall together. Ha...'together'...well, in MY mind we were. I just wanted to see the light shimmer off of his silky hair and see the motion of his shoulders and hips and...oh DAMMIT!!! I just looked at his ass! I didn't see anything! I didn't see anything! It was just a blur, nothing more. And I'm NOT looking again! Oh wow...what if I DID look? Whimper...I'd just DIE if I saw it! It would be as cute as the rest of him, if not worse! I'd cry tears of pure awe if I saw the cute little shape of it, even through his pants. I continued my journey, following him like a loyal sheephound, and wishing that I could just call out his name. Just once. I felt magnetized to him, in a way that I had never felt before. Out of all of the crushes and daydreamed flings that I've had with other boys in my school or at the mall or even the ones on television...what I felt for Josh was so much different. It was...I don't know...focused somehow. It was more than just a nervous feeling, it was armaggeddon rolled into a tight ball and shoved down into my stomach. When he was around, everything that I did became noticeable to me. Was I walking wrong, breathing wrong, did I blink too many times a minute? How was my breath? Were my shoes tied? Did my outfit match? Is my zipper up??? Oh GOD, please let my zipper be up!!! He was so different from everything else that I had ever seen before. Nobody could possibly be a better looking boy. No one could come close to being that sweet, or funny, or intelligent as he was. In the two weeks that I had been a part of the Joshua Roth Experience, I had come to know him as one of the coolest guys around. Just by the way he talked to the other kids, by the way the teacher seemed to just adore having him in her class, and by the way he intrigued me so much with even the most short lived moments of eye contact. I'm going to have the guts to talk to him one day. I know I will. That'll be the best day ever. Sigh...awww shit! I DO have a crush, don't I? Fuck! Why do I do this to myself! Dammit Gavin...turn it OFF already! Josh is a good guy, he doesn't deserve the awful burden of having me stare at him the way I do. I hope I can get out of this before I end up getting hurt again. Before that insane feeling of having my heart and lungs collapse simultaneously finally provides me with enough proof that my situation is completely hopeless and stupid. After that, committing suicide won't seem like such a chore. Hell, I probably wouldn't be alive NOW if I wasn't waiting to see the next two Star Wars flicks hit the theaters.

Josh went his own way, and I slumped off to my next class. My one moment of beauty was gone for the day, back to reality. I made it through the rest of the day, only letting Josh cross my mind a few more times. Much less than usual. See? Emotional suppression IS good for something afterall. I went home that day, sitting on the bus up in front while all of the kids in back had a blast. Hugged up next to their boyfriends or girlfriends, laughing, making noise, basically feeding off of each other's confidence and getting even stronger. Never once asking me to join them. Never once allowing me to play. THEY fit. THEY belonged to something. Me? All I had was my thoughts, and my artwork. I tried drawing on the bus, but let me tell ya, it's not the best place to do it. Especially while it's moving. I'm not sure where my images come from exactly, but they transfer themselves onto the page pretty accurately when I take my time to do it right. Ha! Do it right? Who am I kidding? My artwork SUCKS in comparison to a lot of other stuff I've seen. But it's not like anybody is going to see this stuff. I keep it tucked away in my sketchbook, just for me and only me. It's the one thing that I have that makes everything calm down for a bit. It gives me peace of mind, it lets my soul speak for a change and clue me in on what it's thinking. It's the one time that I get to express all of the little things that I'm much too afraid to tell anyone face to face. My drawings have become the ultimate escape for me, an outlet that takes my mind off of how things really are. When I'm drawing, I can be anyone I want to be, I can take control, and the world can be as beautiful and as fair and as safe as I make it. Something about that is so liberating. The ability to create something that lives by MY rules for a change, that grows and changes as I do. That meant a lot to me, and I won't have my stuff laughed at or criticized. I don't even want anyone else to SEE it! It's mine, and it's not FOR them. It's a piece of me that they can't have. The one part of my life that isn't open to their disapproval. They can say what they want about me, but they'll never be able to touch my artwork because I won't let them. Besides, I put my heart and soul into everything that I do. If I think it sucks...just IMAGINE what THEY'RE going to say about it! By the time I got home, I was both disgusted with, and depressed by, the kids in the back of the bus. Let 'em have fun, screw them! I don't need a single one of them anyway.

That night at dinner, my mom and dad talked back and forth about work and current events and the normal nightly chatter. Faith ran in to join us a bit late, probably out with some of her friends. I was almost ready to excuse myself from the table when she asked to borrow the car on Friday night to go to a party. Something about that stabbed through me like a knife, and until she smiled at me, I was on the verge of hating her just as much as I did some of the others. She actually asked me how MY day was, and even though I was pleased that she cared, I answered back the same way that I always do..."Fine. Nothing spectacular." It had become my daily 'catch phrase'. Nothing specific, nothing exaggerated. It gave the impression that things were cool, and that I wasn't depressed. And yet, I didn't make it sound like I was involved in any great adventures during the day either. No need to exaggerate. Hell, I went to school and I made it home. What else could they possibly want to know about what happened in between? She didn't really pump me for any extra information. Faith knew that talking about it made me think about it, and thinking about it made me hate it, and hating it made me drop back into an endless spiral of self pity. More times than not, I think she was just much too busy having a life to really involve herself with my little tantrums. But what she apparently hadn't realized, was that hearing about her after school activities, her dates, her parties, her funny anecdotes...made me feel even more alone than anything else. It was the 7th grade all over again. Seeing how all of the wonderful opportunities to have friends and have fun were out there...and yet, I was just watching everyone ELSE take advantage of them. Sitting back and looking at it all from my inescapable tower of loneliness. Spending half of my time wondering why my life sucks so much, and the other half of my time trying to ignore the fact that it sucks so much. This is the exciting world of Gavin Blake...welcome to it. The exit is over to your left if you feel like running out screaming. Lord knows I do.

That night, as I lay in my bed and looked up at the ceiling, my radio playing softly in the background, I thought about Josh and how incredible it would be to just let myself go. To just stop holding back what I feel, and just...'tell' him. To have the balls to express my interest and have him love me just as much. To take me in his arms and sweep me into a world of infinite beauty and love. The magic that he could bring me would lift my spirit to heights that it had never been to before. I had a feeling deep inside, a burning sensation, that allowed me to believe that he could somehow...'fix me'. He could make me whole again, and fill me with the life that I once had before all of this insecurity and doubt became a part of my existence. It was then that an old love song came on over the radio, and for a few blissful minutes, I allowed some of those deep feelings rise to the surface. It felt good...soooo good. To think about holding Josh in my arms, and dancing slowly to this very song. To feel my heart flutter and my body tremble quietly as his blue eyes met mine. My love for him would explode in such a delightful frenzy that I doubt I would be able to hold back tears of joy. If only I was good enough to hold him against me. If only I was pretty enough, strong enough, worthy of having the chance to touch him. To kiss those sweet lips and...and...

I felt a single tear fall unexpectedly from my eye, and that's when I realized what an idiot I was being for even considering something so unbelievably unattainable. I felt so ugly. So stupid for thinking that...for believing...sigh...this is pointless. I pushed him out of my mind. And I, once again, bottled up those wonderful feelings and buried them into the pit of my stomach where they belonged. I was only awake for a few minutes longer, and then drifted off to sleep with tears soaking through to my pillow. I hate myself for not being what he wanted, for not being what he needed. I could love him so perfectly, if only I had a chance in hell of being even remotely attractive in his eyes. If only my feelings inside could be accompanied by a face and body that he could love back, if only I didn't have to endure him looking right through my love to accept the lust of the 'cute' boy standing behind me. I hate who I am. I hate who they all think I am. I hate who I want to be. I am so alone. God please help me. Please save me. I don't want to live like this. I don't even know where to turn, what to do, how to change. I'm trapped. I can't see a way out of my misery, and it's swallowing me whole. Everyday, the darkness surrounding my heart seeps further into my soul, corrupting it. Poisoning it. And I know deep down...that if things continue this way, I'm either going to end up a lonely bitter old man...or a tragically dead teenager. They're the only options I have at this point.

A full night's sleep seemed to go by in the blink of an eye, and when I woke up, my radio was still on. But it was playing something different this time. Some kind of early morning, 'rise and shine' type of song that your average person dances to in their kitchen while wearing a bathrobe and marveling in the beautiful sunlight outside. Whatever, I wasn't in the mood. I shut off the radio, grabbed some clothes, and went in to the bathroom to take a shower. While undressing, I looked at myself in the mirror, disgusted by the image looking back at me. I pinched my little love handles, and tried to flatten out my raggedy looking hair. Sigh...I don't even know why I try. I hate this body. I hate it so much that I want to break down and cry everytime I remember exactly what I look like. I wish that I could be one of the people that I drool over constantly. Just for a day...to see how it feels to be one of the 'gifted'...the 'chosen'. That one brief moment would be enough to make me smile.

I took a hot shower and went back to my room. But to my surprise, I heard the radio back on again, this time a little bit louder, and playing the exact same song. It was like it had picked up exactly where it left off. I thought maybe Faith had come in and turned it back on, but she had already gone out to meet some friends to go to school with. The song kept playing, full of those annoying 'pep talk' lyrics and bouncy tunes. I walked over to turn it off again, but something in the song caught my attention, and I drew my hand back. A certain phrase intrigued me, and then another, and another. I can't really explain it, but the song suddenly began to make perfect sense to me, all in that one instant. It kept repeating things like 'you don't have to take it' and 'what are you waiting for' and 'stop holding back'. Maybe it was my mood, but the words spoke to me. They almost...inspired me. Then, out of nowhere, the song came to an end, and that was it. No announcer, no dj, no commercial...the song just stopped, and then silence. I looked back at the radio to see that it had turned itself off again. I jumped up and rushed over to see if I could catch the name of the song, but it was too late. They had already moved on to something else. Shit! I've gotta sit down and find out what stupid features are on this alarm clock radio of mine one day so I can at least get it to stop coming on and shutting off whenever it wants to.

I thought about the message of that song all through breakfast, and on the bus ride to school, and for most of the morning. It 'did' something to me. Something just snapped and I felt...GOOD! I know that it sounds totally lame that a song on the radio could have such an impact on me...but it did. I felt as though someone had written that song for me and for me alone. I'm going to have to scan the airwaves to find out who that was so I can buy it and listen to it everyday. It was the first day that I went to school with a smile on my face in a long time. I carried those song lyrics in my head all the way up to English class, and when I saw Joshua come in and sit down, I felt something rise up inside of me. Other than the usual 'rise up', that is. This was different. This was some unseen force that spread out all over my body and gave me this strange feeling of confidence that I had never experienced before. Something that said, 'tell him. What have you got to lose?' Wow...hehehe, I was almost giggling at this point. That day, I stared at him a little more often than usual, a little longer, and without shame. It was hard to keep from smiling. Something about taking that little extra risk in getting caught, made me feel so GOOD inside. That afternoon...when the bell rang and he stood up to leave, I looked right at his ass! RIGHT at it! Oh WOW, what a wonderful vision I have missing over the last two weeks! It was even more beautiful than I could have imagined. The way the cheeks defined themselves through his jeans everytime one of his long legs stepped forward...it was mouthwatering! I followed him out of the room, taking my 'rightful' place behind him in the hallway as he walked to his next class. The light shimmering off of his sandy blond locks, the motion of his shoulders in perfect harmony, those cupid touched buns of his, and his body just screaming with a sexual explosion that he was so unaware of. I followed him, and at that moment, I SWORE that I'd give 'Gavin's Promise' just ONE more try! For Josh! For the CHANCE that I might even get a 'no' from him. I can't just keep dodging this over and over. 'I don't have to take this'. I have to 'stop holding back'. I mean...'what am I waiting for?' It's going to be hard, and I know that the people around here aren't going to let me change without pushing me back into the same old category as a shy dork who sits alone and has no friends. And I'm probably not even going to last a whole two weeks before changing back this time, but I'm going to try! I'm GOING to try! This time I MEAN it! I'm going to speak up, I'm going to have fun, I'm going to talk to the cutest damn boys in school, and I'm going to completely reinvent myself from the floor up! And DAMN the gods if they disagree!!! DAMN THEM ALL!!!

That was the first time I saw him. It was that exact moment that he walked right into my life for the first time. He was maybe a year or two older than I was, cute, thin, blond hair and blue eyes. He was definitely a surprise. I had never seen him in that school before, not that I really knew everybody, but I could easily recognize all of the familiar faces that I ran into on a daily basis, and this kid wasn't one of them. It was like he appeared out of nowhere, a self assured, almost cocky stride in his walk. But that's not what intrigued me the most. What really got to me was the fact that he was looking DIRECTLY at me! Without flinching at all. His eyes pierced right through mine, and a sly smile broke out on his face. Did he catch me looking? Does he know about me? I couldn't put my finger on it, but it 'felt' as though he could read my thoughts. As though he had heard my new resolution, and held the answers in the palm of his hand. Those few quick seconds that we passed each other in the hallway seemed to last an eternity. As if all time had suddenly switched into slow motion, infinity compressed into a single second, five times over. The look in his eyes...it was magic. They held all of the world's beauty and all of its horror in their gaze. His stare seemed to lock onto my soul and not let go, not allowing me to look away, not allowing me to think of anything else but him...for that one brief moment, everything else in existence melted away. All of the sounds around me, all of the other kids, colors, motion, time, space, everything....faded away into oblivion. It was an uneasy feeling. It made me feel so small, as though the darkness around me would cause me to fade away too if I didn't desperately hold onto what little light I had left in my heart. I found myself clutching on to my reality for fear that I would simply disappear in his presence. But something about his eyes held me there. They kept me 'real'. It was frightening and comforting at the same time. And then...the moment was over, and he walked passed me.

The sudden jolt back to reality was alarming. Time sped back up to it's normal pace all of the sudden, the voices around me kicked into full volume, and the world came rushing back at me in vivid color all at once. I gasped at the startling crash landing back into the real world, and stopped walking. Someone bumped into me from behind, a few people wormed around me on both sides, but I couldn't move. I had to readjust my mind for a second and figure out what the hell just happened. I spun around to see if I could catch a glimpse of him, but he was already gone. It was the weirdest thing, but it almost felt like he walked right through me. Everything about me felt different, and I couldn't understand why. I heard the bell ring, and I was going to be late for my next class. So I shook it off and kept walking. This has been the strangest damn day, I swear, I must have woken up in the working class suburb of the Twilight Zone.

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Part 2

The next morning, I woke up to the annoying buzz of my alarm clock. I hit the snooze button for another few minutes of sleep, but it kept ringing. I hit it again, but it kept buzzing. I sleepily felt all around to see if I was hitting the wrong button, but it just wouldn't shut up! I began banging on it with my fist angrily, and finally got up to shut the damn thing off! ARRRRGH!!! As soon as I sat up all the way, it stopped. I just sat there and stared at it for a few seconds in disbelief...NOW you wanna stop??? I've gotta get a new fucking clock. I pushed it off the table and on to the floor, frustrated as hell. Well, I'm up now, and too aggravated to go back to sleep. So I started my daily routine of hitting the shower before school. Still fat, still ugly, still stupid...sigh...whatever. Hehehe, some big change, Gavin. Well THAT feel good sensation was short lived, wasn't it? I'm hopeless.

While in the shower, I quietly let the warm water run over my face, soothing me, calming me. I felt the droplets beating gently at my eyelids, then sliding gently over my lips. As the heat soaked into my body, my thoughts went to Joshua. I could actually hear myself sigh at the mere thought of him. I pretended that the warm running water against my lips was his tender kiss. I imagined him caressing my cheeks in his hands and pulling me forward to tongue kiss me sooo slowly. His smooth pink tongue twisting itself around mine. So painfully beautiful to look at, that I had to close my eyes to keep my heart from bursting. It hurt to love him this way. It was so real in my mind...it was as if I could feel his arms embracing me. As though I could feel his heartbeat beating in perfect harmony with mine. I felt my erection grow painfully stiff, and my hand traveled shamefully downwards. Knowing that I would have to give in, that I would have to relieve myself and admit to loving him completely, if only for a few minutes. I wanted to give myself over to the emotion, and become enraptured in the fantasy that is Joshua Roth...but I dreaded the awful return to reality that was sure to follow. The smooth strokes were well lubricated by the warm water gliding down the length of my shaft, even with a tighter grip, and every touch was a relief in itself. No devious sexual acts, no furious attack of lust...the things that turned me on the most were the gentle loving moments and sweet kisses from his lips. The feel of his bare skin against me, running my fingers through the golden silk of his hair...those tender subtleties and timeless affections that sex can't touch. That's what I loved about him, that's what made me want him so desperately. After the first few strokes, I was compelled to wallow in that fantasy, and taste that forbidden fruit in ways that only the sexually charged teenage mind could create. Oh the feel of his wet skin sliding next to me in the shower, the taste of his tongue in my mouth was beyond divine. The motion of his hips as they gyrated in small erotic circles, pressing into me. The slight clench in his once soft ass cheeks as I gripped and massaged them with breathless passion. He was so delicate, so gentle, I had to fight every urge to clutch him as tightly as my muscles would allow. To crush him against me and never let go. I wanted him and I to be one, to occupy the same space, so that my love for Josh could finally be transmitted to him in its full force. So that he could at last understand how deep my feelings went, and how much I would be willing to sacrifice if only he were to feel a fraction of that love in return.

I was speeding up in my strokes, and my mental picture switched from sensual to sexual. I tasted him, taking him all the way into my mouth and pleasuring him with my heart and soul. I sucked my tongue, trying to somehow duplicate the feeling of his hard length as it slowly slid in and out of my lips. I sucked hard, feeling myself getting closer to my climax. God I love you Josh, please don't ever leave my fantasies. I couldn't bare to live without you close to my heart. Mmmm...ohh....uhhh...I want you. I need you. I began to rise up onto my tiptoes as the feeling of a powerful orgasm increased inside of me. I was breathing hard, tightly gripping my 6 inches and sliding my hand back and forth at the speed of light. My knees went weak, my head began to spin, and I imagined Josh feeling the same way. I wanted him to cum with me. I wanted him to feel what I was feeling and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I would give him infinite love anytime he wanted it. Without question, without regret. Oh...God....ahhh! I sprung my eyes open just in time to see my member throbbing and pulsing frantically, forcing my fluids out in long white streams and spraying the shower curtain with my seed. I kept pumping away, holding my breath to keep from crying out, and the streams were endless, my knees almost buckling with every shot. I didn't think I'd ever stop. My tip became so sensitive that I could feel it in my stomach, and it continued to pulse and spasm all on its own even after I had let it go. I worked hard to catch my breath and come back down to Earth. I waited a few minutes, feeling the warm water on my back, comforting me and keeping me safe. Then I straightened up with a pleasureable sigh, and used the showerhead to wash the 'evidence' of my activities down the drain.

I stood there in that shower, still breathing hard, still shivering from an explosive climax, and it felt as if the water were suddenly turning cold. My life came back into focus, my self image came back to reality, and my heavy breathing began automatically transforming itself into small painful sobs. I wanted to hold it back, I did, but a severe realization hit me all at once, and my emotions let go. It was all fake. ALL of it! It was just a damn lie! A fairy tale that I tell myself at bedtime so I can sleep at night! And when I wake up...I'll still be alone. The tears began to pour out of me faster than the shower could wash them away, and I slid down to the floor of the tub, covering my face with my hands...and I cried. It was the only way to get rid of enough pain to face another day. I must have been in there too long, because my mom knocked at the door and told me I was going to be late. "Um....OK. I'll be out in a minute." I shouted back, trying to hide the trembling in my voice. The last thing I needed was for my parents to know how utterly depressing my life is. I just wanted to keep it all in, all tucked away where nobody could ever find it. Hoping that one day, after filling my mental attic with enough garbage...I wouldn't be able to find it either. If only I could go back, to when it didn't matter. To when I felt invinceable. Now I just hurt all the time, and they won't let me change. I try, GOD do I try, but they just won't let me change! They labeled me as the outcast, and they won't stand for me to be anything else BUT that. I'm trapped here forever. A prisoner of this misery and constant suffering. No friends, no love, no fun, nothing. Just me alone with my pain. I've got to STOP this! Come on Gavin...stop it! I'm a good person. I'm a good person. Keep saying it. Believe it. I'm...I'm a good person. I'm...so....alone. So very alone.

"Gavin? Honey? You've got to leave in about ten minutes. Come down and get yourself some breakfast." My mom was persistent, and I knew that I was going to have to come out of the shower eventually.

I swallowed hard, cramming the pain down into the pit of my stomach again and holding it there while it tried to force its way back up to the top like a huge balloon held under water. "O-o-ok mom...just a minute." I stood up, wiped my eyes free of my remaining tears, and turned the water off. That warm water, that comfortable feeling of acceptance, the representation of Josh's kiss...gone. Washed down the drain along with my dreams of every being happy. When I opened the shower curtain, the cold air rushed in, and reality took its place at my side again.

I ate breakfast the same way I always did. Went out and caught the bus the same way I always did. Sat in the same seat, thought the same thoughts. Saw the same scenery pass me by at the same speed as it always had. Nothing changed around me, so who was I to try to change myself? This isn't a magical world of possibilities. This is life. My life.

I made it through the mind numbing repetition of my classes through the first half of the day, and then went to sit on the front steps to eat my lunch. It was the ideal place for me to sit. Nobody sat around me, displaying how happy they were to lead such a charmed life. By sitting on the steps, I got to watch the other kids pass me to go into school, and pass me to get out of school...but whichever way they were going...they were always just 'passing through'. That way I didn't have to look at them, I didn't have to listen to their conversations. I didn't have to hear them laughing, or feel them purposely ignoring me. As long as they kept moving, I could relax, and pretend that they were nothing more than 'scenery'. A still background that passed me by much like the scenery out of that lonely bus window. That's how they saw me, I'm sure. It sounds anti-social, but hey, at least I have some peace and quiet.

The second I thought about being alone, I saw a pair of feet stop right next to me on the steps. Then he sat down next to me with a can of soda as though I had invited him. He popped the top of it loudly and just started drinking as I looked over to witness this raid on my privacy. It was HIM! It was the blond boy that I had seen in the hall the day before. He leaned back on his elbows, and quietly continued to sip away at his beverage, not saying a single word. I didn't know what to do. I just kinda sat there, pretending that I didn't even notice him. I tried to just go back to eating my lunch, but he was 'invading my space' as it was. Just having him there made me take notice of my every thought and movement. It made me insecure and uncomfortable, and something inside of me just wanted him to go away. Was I curious? Of course I was. But I didn't have the slightest idea of how to begin a conversation with him, and I certainly didn't know how to politely tell him to leave me alone. So I just forced my eyes down to the ground in front of me, and kept on eating. Neither one of us said a single word, but unlike me, he didn't seem at all restless about it. It's kind of like being the only person in a movie theater, and then having somebody walk in and sit in the seat right next to you and fight over the armrest, even though every other seat in the place is empty. It's just not normal. He kept drinking, and then started tapping his foot gently against the step. It wasn't really loud, but it was enough to make me even more irritable. I thought about maybe getting up and just going somewhere else to eat. This kid was weird, and I really didn't have time for bullshit today. It was probably some kind of prank or something anyway. Somebody probably bet him a dollar that he wouldn't come over and eat lunch with me. Whatever it was, I had had enough. We sat there, not more than two feet apart on the school steps, and neither one of us said a word. I peeked at him out of the corner of my eye. He wasn't even looking back at me, but the second I caught a glimpse of him, a little grin appeared on his face. I looked back down at the ground right away and we went back to complete silence. Another five long minutes went by, every wordless second of it frustrating me to no end. Well??? If he's going to fucking sit next to me, he could at least SAY something! Just then, he brushed some of his golden blond locks out of his eyes...and belched. Then he smiled and went right back to drinking. OK! Enough is enough! I'm out of here! I stood up, grabbed my stuff, and just walked away. I don't have to put up wth this. All I want is to be left alone and the assholes in this school can't even do THAT! Fine, whatever. Let him sit there, I'm going to eat in the library. What a freak.

Later that afternoon, I went to my English class and took my usual seat in the far corner across from the 'apple of my eye'. And he was just as beautiful as he was the day before, if not more. The way his clothes just fit him, the way their colors would enhance his every feature. I'd sacrifice ever seeing him naked, just so I wouldn't deprive him of those colors. He was an absolute prince. You know...sometimes...I look at those empty seats on either side of Josh...and I think about what would happen if I could just take one. If one day, I just came in, and sat down right next to him. Would he think I was weird? I mean, that blond kid came and sat right next to me earlier at lunch, and frankly it really freaked me out. But I wondered what would happen if I did it right here in this classroom. I had been thinking about that possibility for a few days now. Maybe I could talk to him...maybe...even get to 'know' him a little bit.

"Gavin...how about you?" The teacher asked. SHIT! Caught daydreaming instead of paying attention.

"Uh....huh?" Awww, great! Now I look stupid! And in front of Josh! Arrrgh!

"To, too, and two...can you tell us the difference between the three?" She repeated.

"Um...yeah. 'Two' is referring to a number, 'too' is another way of saying 'also' in a sentence, and 'to' is just...um...to." I mumbled shyly.

"Exactly. Thank you Gavin." Job well done, I suppose. I looked over at Josh, hoping that maybe a part of him would be impressed. Sigh...he wasn't even looking. What am I thinking? It's not like I figured out the cure for cancer, I just answered one of the simplest English questions of the semester. I doubt he even noticed. It never stopped me from staring though. That wonderous hair of his just tickled the sides of his face so softly, so hypnotically. It moved with the slightest turn of his head, he was gorgeous. God, I bet he smells great. I'm going to talk to him one day, I swear I am. It might be at out twenty five year high school reunion...but I WILL talk to him eventually. I know I will. Once I get enough courage to stop trembling the way I do when I even think about him.

I looked back at the blackboard to take a few notes, but something caught my eye from out of the window next to me. From the third floor, our classroom looked out on the track and soccer fields outside...and standing out there, way off in the distance, was the same blond weirdo. He must have been extremely far away, but I could see him plain as day, wearing a gym uniform like everyone else on the field, and yet still sticking out of the crowd like nobody else. Even though there was no way to see his eyes from that far out, I could tell that he was looking directly at me. I could 'feel' it. He was standing perfectly still, entirely focused on me, and just when I thought things couldn't get anymore freaky...I saw him lean against a tree, smile, and wave. JESUS! He can SEE me!!! There's no WAY! That would be impossible from that far out! Just then, the bell rang and everyone jumped up to start filing out for their next class. It startled me a bit, and I knocked my textbook over onto the floor at my feet. I bent down to grab it, it only took a second, and returned my gaze to the window. But the blond stranger was already gone. As though he had vanished. The gym classes had already begun running back to the locker rooms, so I guess he got lost in the herd of 'school color' clad cattle. But it left me with an eerie feeling. What the hell? Is he stalking me now???

Normally I would have followed Josh to his next class as always, but for some reason, I was worried about running into 'you know who' again. So I escaped by taking a different route this time around. I think I might have shaken him off of my trail...at least I thought I had. I didn't know any different until I went home that day. I got on the bus, walking over to sit in my usual seat up near the front, and he was SITTING there already! I froze in my tracks, and just stood there...unable to figure out what the heck was going on. He had a backpack of books in the seat next to him, and when I stopped in front of him, he looked me right in the eye and moved them into his lap as if to offer me a seat. His eyes were so clear, so out of the ordinary, that it was more frightening than beautiful. I felt a nervous jitter run up my spine, and instead of sitting next to him, I found a different seat further back. The bus closed its doors and started the journey home, but even though I tried not to look, I could feel that boy staring at me. I nervously looked up, and sure enough, he was half turned in his seat, looking back at me. I turned my eyes back down to my feet. Just...turn around, I thought to myself. Turn around. Leave me alone. Please...just leave me alone. I looked back up to see him finally facing the other way. Thank God. I rode the bus the rest of the way home, and was happy to get off, hoping that he wouldn't follow me. He didn't. As I stepped off the bus and threw my bag over my shoulder, I glancd back through the bus window to see him staring at me again. When I stared back at him, I saw one of the most evil, mischievous grins ever created spread across his face. A wicked smile that looked as though it belonged to the devil himself, and he looked right back at me through the bus window. A shameless eye contact that he held until the bus pulled away and was out of sight. I felt uneasy, invaded. But all I could do was head home, my thoughts consumed by the enigma of this boy...whoever he was. My life wasn't by any means 'everyday', but I wasn't used to anything quite this bizzare.

"Knock knock..." Came a voice from the other side of my bedroom door that night after dinner. It was Fath, probably coming to do a sisterly check on me.

"It's open."

"What's up kiddo? You've been so quiet tonight. Right after dinner you locked yourself up in here and I haven't heard a peep out of you since."

"Peep." I said sarcastically, but she gave me a look that told me that I wasn't being 'fair'. So I sighed and continued, "I'm fine, really. Nothing..."

"...Nothing spectacular...yeah I know. That's what you always say." She said, sitting on my bed.

"Did you expect something more action-packed?" I asked.

"Well...you could try to entertain me with a few details every now and then, you know. You haven't said a single word about how you're liking or disliking high school life so far."

She wanted some interesting details, fine. "Well, first of all, I have a space alien for a math teacher."

"Oh really?" She smiled, playing along.

"Yeah. She devoured a student in front of the whole class because he got a 'D' on our first pop quiz. So then I wrestled her to the ground, and had to break her neck before she went on a wild feeding frenzy in the second floor computer lab."

"Ahhh...well, good for you. But I'm sure that murdering your math teacher would have some kind of punishment attached to it."

"You BET it did. Two whole days of detention." I worked up a fake smile, and Faith figured out the game was over.

"You know...it hasn't even been three weeks yet. And freshman are scared little toddlers most of the time anyway. They'll warm up to you eventually if you let them. Give it a chance." She said.

"I am giving it a chance, Faith. Ok? It's just not...it's not working. Whatever, forget it, it's not important." I felt that ice cold wind wrap its icy claws around me again, and I tried to work up enough burning hot frustration to keep it from freezing me completely. "It doesn't bother me anyway..."

"Gavin..."

"I'm fine. Honestly. Look at me, I'm cool." I gave her a shit eating grin, and turned back to my homework on my desk, hoping that she'd get the message.

"Sigh...ok. Well, I'm glad to hear that you're...having a good time then." She was giving up for the night. Faith always wanted to be there, but she could always tell when I wasn't in the mood. Sometimes, I just needed to pout it out alone for a while.

"I am."

She walked over and hugged me from behind. "Ok. G'night Gavin." She whispred, and shut my bedroom door on her way out. I swear, homework is hard enough to figure out when you don't have tears welling up in your eyes.

The phone rang in my room. Probably one of Faith's many many friends begging her to go out and do something cool. That was the LAST thing I needed at the moment. I tried to concentrate on my homework, but the phone just kept ringing. HELLOOOO! Isn't somebody going to get the fucking phone?!?!?! When the phone rang for the seventh or eighth time, I shot up out of my chair and ran to the receiver next to my bed. I was angry, I was feeling down, I had work to do, and I didn't feel like talking to anybody! NOBODY! I snatched up the phone, and shouted, "HELLO?" I tried to hold the anger in as much as I could, but I'm sure the person on the other end could hear it in my tone. There was a silence. "HELLO???" I said again. No answer. SHIT!!! I slammed the phone down, and unplugged it from the wall. If they're not going to answer the phone, then neither am I. I went back to my homework, finished up about a half hour later, and went straight to bed. Fuck the world and everyone in it! I don't need friends, I don't need family...I don't need anybody. I'm better off the way I am.

The next morning, I went right back into the same monotonous routine. Out of bed, disgusted look at the mirror, shower, breakfast, bus ride, scenery, school. If nothing else, my life was consistent. I didn't want a repeat of yesterday, so I went out to the far end of the football field, and sat down on the grass over by the fence. I leaned back, and just relaxed a little bit, enjoying the opportunity to surround myself in silence. I reached into my bag, and pulled out my sketchbook to do a little doodling before lunch time was over, it was the best time to start up some new ideas. I took a few bites of my sandwich and scribbled away, my hands guiding the pencil easily over the textured paper of my private 'gallery'. What am I going to draw today? Who knows? Maybe I'll just scribble a bit more and see what kind of shape it takes. Improvisation was my specialty in this matter, easily able to let my emotions 'feel out' whatever pencil strokes that I needed to make in order to capture my mood at the moment. Sometimes, I even surprised myself. If I keep practicing, maybe I'll get better at it. Maybe even good enough to show somebody instead of keeping it hidden away in this ratty old book of mine.

Then I heard it...the silence-shattering sound of a soda can opening up behind me! I looked over my shoulder, and leaning right there on the other side of the chain link fence behind me...was the same blond haired weirdo freak who had been following me for the last few days! How the hell did he GET here? What the HELL does he want with me? That was IT! No more playing the nice guy. "Can I help you with something?" I asked him rudely.

"I don't know. Does it look like I need help?" He replied, and took another sip of his soda.

"May I ask why the hell you've been following me the past few days?"

"Following you? Geez, a few chance encounters and the kid thinks he's a superstar." He had such a cocky, brat like attitude. Like he could easily look down on anyone and everyone else on Earth because he was better than all of them. Jerk.

"I DID come out here to be alone, you know?"

"Why would you want to do that?"

"What?"

"Why would you want to be alone? It doesn't take any real skill to be alone." He said, his eyes not even looking in my direction. "Interaction is the spice of life, afterall."

"You know what? You're about two seconds from..." But he interrupted me before I could finish my threat.

"So what are you drawing? Looks cool."

I slammed my sketchbook shut, and took it up into my arms. "THAT'S none of your business!"

"Well, well, well...aren't WE touchy today?" He said, and then he took another nonchalant sip of his soda.

I didn't know whether to be outraged or just plain confused. Whoever this kid was, he had a strange vibe about him that made me feel weird every second that he was around. And I wanted to just get away from him. "I'm NOT being touchy!!! I just don't appreciate being followed around by somebody I don't know!"

"Whatever you say." He never changed the pitch of his voice...making the whole situation even MORE annoying to me! "Would it make you feel better if I asked you to join me? You wouldn't have to put forth any of that 'scary' effort into making the first move."

"What do you want from me?"

"Have a seat." I didn't sit down at first, but then he turned around, and I saw the look in his eyes. Those eyes did something to me, and forced me to listen. Just the shine they held in their gaze, it was so strangely inviting. Besides, curiosity was getting the best of me, and I wanted to find out what this was all about. So, reluctantly, I gave in and sat down on my side of the fence. "First things first...what's your name kid?"

"I'm....I'm Gavin."

"How are ya, Gavin? The name's Gideon." He stuck as many fingers as he could through the fence for me to shake, and then he continued. "So...you claim to want to be alone. May I ask why?"

"I just do, ok?" I answered.

"Alone is no good. Sure, privacy and solitude has its place in everybody's life. But you can't learn anything 'alone'. You can't grow or experience anything new when you're 'alone'..."

"And your point is?"

"My point is...you looked like you needed a friend." He took another hearty sip of his soda, and mt ears perked up a bit. Do you know what the funny thing is? All this time I have been struggling for a friend, and hoping that one would simply fall from the heavens and come to me out of the blue. And now that it's happening...it seems too good to be true. It didn't make sense. Something was wrong with this whole scenario. He didn't even know me. And something about this 'too good to be true' occurrence made me reject it.

"Sorry...I don't think so."

"It's weird, huh? Me approaching you and just asking your name. I understand. I was once where you are. You keep praying for the pot of gold, and then you find it, and doubt its value. It's normal." He said.

"I don't mean to be rude, but this is a bit too strange for me, ok? I'm sure that you're nice and all..."

"Did you know that we control our dreams 100% from beginning to end?" He said for no reason whatsoever and cutting me off in mid sentence. As though he were trying to change the subject before I could make an excuse to leave.

"....What the hell are you talking about?" I asked.

"Our dreams. When we go to sleep every single night, we dream. And no matter how incredibly weird those dreams are, no matter how fucked up the images in our minds, we control every aspect of it. From the people involved, to the actions that take place, to the location, all the way down to the number of petals on a single flower in the background. We imagine it, and make it real. So real, that our heartbeats actually speed up in real life while running in our dreams. Isn't that fascinating?"

"Ok....you lost me." I said, starting to gather my stuff to get away from this basket case.

"Imagine if real life was exactly the same way. If we could just think it. Concentrate on it hard enough to make it real. We could be anything, anyone, anywhere, we wanted to be. Like magic. If we could do that...life would be a very different experience indeed, don't ya think?" He continued.

"Whatever. I've got to run." I started to leave, but after taking another sip of his drink, he stopped me with this single sentence.

"I have the power to make it real, you know?"

Maybe it was in my mind, but I could have sworn that an electric impulse ran throughout my entire body when he said that, and suddenly...he had my attention. "What?"

"Whether you are willing to believe me or not is up to you. You could easily walk away from this conversation, declare me a freak of society, and I won't bother you again. It's as simple as that." He turned around again to look me right in the eye. "OR...you could open your mind, listen to whatever silly ramblings I have to toss at ya, and possibly change your life forever. ALL of it, not just the easy parts."

"Oh, I see...I listen to you, and you change my life. Right?"

"That's right."

"What are you? You doing a project for your 'motivational speaker' class or something? Are you gonna ask me to join a cult? Maybe you want me to take some drugs? First dose is free, but the second and third ones will cost me? Exactly what are you selling here?" I asked.

"I'm not selling you anything. I'm giving you the chance to be the person you want to be, nothing more. And all I ask in return...is that you enjoy the gifts that I give you. No other payment is neccessary."

I stood back from him a step or two, grinning doubtfully at the idea of this young 16 year old boy offering me the key to a whole new life. Yeah right! If it was THAT easy, I would have figured it out myself by now. "You're kidding right?" I asked. But he wasn't kidding. In fact, as he took another sip from the can, he looked dead serious.

"Let me ask you something, Gavin...honestly...are you happy right now?" He asked.

"Yeah. I'm fine."

"Well, that's all nice and dandy, but I didn't ask if you were 'fine'. I asked if you were happy."

"Sure. I'm happy, why?"

"Are you REALLY? Because if you are, then this is all just a waste of my time, and I'll be on my way. Your decision." I didn't answer at first, but after a few seconds he asked again, "Are you happy, Gavin?" I nodded slowly, a bit confused by what he wanted to hear from me. That was the only answer I had to give him. So Gideon shrugged his shoulders, and grabbed his backpack to leave. He started to walk away, and I reached out to stop him.

"WAIT! WAIT! That's it? You're just going to walk away?" I asked.

"Listen kid, you don't have to be honest with the other kids in this school, you don't have to be honest with your family, and you sure as hell don't have to be honest with me. But you DO have to be honest with yourself at the end of every single day! Everytime you get a few quiet moments 'alone' out here by the fence or on those high school steps. Everytime you cry yourself to sleep, wishing you had something more. Everytime you sit back and whine and complain about how everybody else has it better than you do. When all is said and done, no matter how many emotional barricades you put up to protect yourself from the people trying to help you, the truth will still be there...even when you close your eyes. At the end of the day, when you lower the mask you wear so easily in the 'public eye', the only question left is ARE - YOU - HAPPY? I can't help you with the answer to that question unless you're willing to talk to me."

"So you want me to tell you that I hate my life? Is THAT it?"

"I want you to tell me the TRUTH, Gavin. Look deep down inside yourself, beyond all the bullshit and the illusions and the pride...and I want you to tell me, face to face, that you are every bit as happy as you WANT to be. As you CAN be. Tell me that there is nothing more that you want out of this life, no more achievements that you are looking to reach. Tell me that you are able to rest easy every single night without a single regret and without a TRACE of sadness. Do that, just once...and I'll go away. I'll vanish into thin air, and I promise you that you'll never see me again. BUT...if you're NOT happy...if you want more from your daily experience, if you want to expand on who you are as a person in this world, and are willing to be completely honest with me...then we can talk. Just you and me." His eyes stared right through me as he spoke, but something behind that shiny glare showed me someone who actually...cared. "Make no mistake, Gavin...I CAN help you. But you're going to have to pledge an allegiance to the truth. You're going to have to take a leap of faith, open yourself up completely, and put your trust in me. If you don't, then all of my efforts will be just as fake and misleading as the information you give me. It'll just be another worthless lie wrapped up in a nice pretty package. And it won't do you any good. Understand?"

"Be honest about WHAT? Dude, you don't even KNOW me!"

"We can argue, or we can talk. Like I said, the decision is yours. It won't matter to me either way. I've already found my answers. But something tells me that you're not exactly who you want to be, and it's time for a change. A time for you to wake up smiling in the morning. You're not happy, Gavin. It shows in your eyes. The eyes are the windows of the soul, and what I see inside is a beautiful spirit held hostage by its own fear. But it doesn't have to be that way. Not for you. Not for any of us. Let me help you. Let me bring you into a world so free, so easily attained, that you will kick yourself for not seeing it sooner. All this I can do, and more." He held out his hand for me to shake it. "What do you say? Friends?" That mischievous grin appeared agan on his slightly parted lips, and his blue eyes almost seemed to glow with the anticipation of me possibly accepting his offer.

"You're not...like...going to sell me heroine or something are you? Because I'm not really into that shit." I said, looking at Gideon with caution.

"Hahaha! No no, nothing like that. I swear. All you have to do is listen, learn, think, and grow. That's it."

"That's it?"

"That's it. It won't cost you a penny. It won't cost you blood, sweat, or tears, and it won't involve any mind altering substances of any kind. All you have to do...is give me is your eternal soul." He saw the look on my face and laughed. "It's a JOKE dude! Jesus, lighten up a bit will ya?"

"You're telling me...that if I listen to you...I'm going to be happy? Do I have this all right?"

"With an open mind, and some true effort on your part...you can be one of the happiest people on Earth without a single consequence and without harming another human being. No more bullshit. Will it be easy? No, it won't. Will you get it simply by sticking with it for a few weeks and then letting it go? No, it's all or nothing. Will you achieve it by holding back from me or not telling the complete truth. No, all you will achieve is living a different lie from the one you're living now. But...with something as simple as patience and will power...you can have all of those things that you long for so painfully. Everything that the other kids have, and so much more." He extended his hand again, and saw me looking down at it, still hesitating. "I can make it happen, Gavin. I can give you anything that you want or need. All of your dreams, all of your ambitions. Friends, popularity, brains, true love...all of it. All you have to do...is ask." I looked down at Gideon's hand again, almost afraid to take it. I knew that this was going way beyond bizzare at this point and becoming downright insane! But something inside of me wanted to take it. A part of me only heard the words that promised a better life for me. A chance at happiness. A chance to finally rise above the dismal and murky swamp that I had lowered myself into so long ago. He saw my reluctance, and continued with, "I know this seems out of the ordinary. And that's fine. If you want to wait, that's cool. You can do this when you're fourteen, or you can do it when you're forty. No matter how old you are, from the womb to the tomb, you can always make a change. It's just a matter of making the decision to do it. Now...if you want to take this leap of faith right now, then take my hand. If you want to procrastinate another minute, another day, or another ten years...that's fine by me. But I'm giving you the opportunity to start right now. Today. Without further hesitation. This is your chance to start really living, from this day forward. All you've got to do is want it bad enough."

He stood there, a small childish smirk on his face, his hand still stretched out, firm, confident...and I believed him. God help me, I believed him. I allowed my hand to shakily leave my side, and start to move towards his. "That's it..." He said. "...you take the leap, and I will catch you. The fall down to the bottom is not as deep as you think."

And then I did it. Touching his hand, and feeling an electric bolt of energy flow up my arm and rush to cover my whole body. It was hot, almost burning my palms as he stared into my eyes and into my mind. As though that initial touch had joined me with my other half, meeting myself in one hundred different dimensions all at once. By the time I let go of his hand, the change had already begun. I could feel it.

"Good. Meet me here at 2:00 tomorrow, and we'll begin." He said with a smile.

I nodded speechlessly at first, but then I thought about it. That was when my English class started. A day without Joshua Roth and my life would be OVER! "Um...wait....actually, can't we meet at like 3:00 instead? I mean...it would be much more..."

"Ditch." He said.

"What?"

"Your class. Whatever it is...ditch it. Trust me. I'll see you tomorrow. And I want you to bring the following objects with you. A blank notebook, brand new and unused. A red pen. A blue pen. And your favorite 3 drawings out of your sketchbook. Understood?" What the hell was this kid ON?

"Is there an actual REASON for all this shit?"

"There's a reason for 'everything', my friend. Just bring the stuff with you tomorrow, and I'll see you right here at this fence at 2 o'clock. Got it? I'll start with some simple questions, I expect simple answers. More importantly, I expect honest answers. The more you help me, the more I help you. I'll see you then." And with that, he threw his bag over his shoulder and left. I was stuck, looking at him as he strolled back to the school calmly without ever looking back. I hadn't really agreed to anything, but he already KNEW that I would be there. He had left a big enough cliffhanger in my day to make me come back for more. What can I say, he sold me.

Then, just before he was too far away for me to hear him, he finally turned back to look at me and shouted, "Funny, isn't it? The dream thing? Think about it." And then he kept walking. I wasn't sure what he was talking about, but if nothing else, he gave me something to stay confused about for the next twenty four hours.

That night, I repeatedly played our conversation back in my mind, over and over again. I was hoping to find some kind of loophole, some tiny piece of bullshit that would allow me to realize that this whole thing was a hoax or a scam so that I could just forget about it and go back to living the way I always had been. My life may not have been perfect, but it was somewhat predictable. And there's a strange comfort in knowing that I don't have to worry about huge surprises and let downs. Disappointments and failures. Sometimes I just wanted to lay back and float. Float in my thoughts, in my artwork, in the knowledge that I know what to do everyday because it had already been 'rehearsed' by the routine that I had perfected the day before. That's what allowed me to walk through my day with my eyes closed and know that my feet were always going to touch solid ground. But the weird thing was, this 'Gideon' character had given me something else to look forward to. I can't explain it, but having the simple goal of trying to figure him out was enough to make me feel...'good' inside. It was like reading a book, and half way through it, you just can't wait to reach the end. Sometimes losing hours of sleep because you just can't put it down. Everytime you try to, you find somethng that makes you want to read further. You find a reason to keep going, because the mystery of what will happen next makes it worth your while. And even though you start to get saddened as the book comes to a close, and you finally realize that it's over, you can't help but close the book and reflect on all of the things you just read. Smiling as you revel in the many memories that the story has given you. Maybe life was pretty much the same way. Maybe Gideon was making my 'story' a bit more interesting by being written into the plot. Giving me more to reflect on when the story is inevitably at its end. And for lack of any other big adventures in my life, he seemed like an interesting possibility to persue. Something to explore from every angle. Just by giving me the mission to do so...he had already solved a piece of the problem haunting me...boredom.

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Part 3

I slept rather peacefully that night. And when I woke up the next morning, I had lingering visions of a dream dancing in my head. A dream involving Josh and I spending a day together at my house. Nothing more than a soft kiss here and there, nothing overtly sexual at all. It was just 'comfortable'. It was a series of soft transitions from one gentle moment to the other. I had never experienced a kiss so warm. It was so real that I could taste his sweet breath as it passed sensually from his lips and into mine. Now that was a magic I could believe in. The strange thing was, I wasn't really me in the dream. I was somebody else, and yet...still me. It's hard to explain. But I was different, and I LIKED who I was. I was sooo slim, sooo beautiful, and I'm talking the kind of 'tv beautiful' that makes both men and women alike swoon. The way Josh was looking at me in that dream, you would have thought I was an angel from Heaven. The same way...that I look at him. To finally have him see ME like that, to notice me from across a room and think about me, to kiss me with love in his heart...it's all I ever wanted. And yet, it was the one thing I'd never have. Sigh...there I go again, getting all stupid over my wet dream in the flesh.

Why do I think about him so much? I could just be sitting in class, or eating breakfast, or watching tv, and Josh will pop into my mind out of the blue. It's not so much that he was outrageously beautiful, because that goes without saying. But it was partially about the fact that I couldn't have him. Not now, not ever. I guess, in a way, my inability to even talk to him kept Josh just as much of a delightful mystery to me as Gideon was. He intrigued me. I could only imagine what it must be like to talk to him, or spend time with him, or see what his room looks like. I imagined what he looks like when he's crying, or when he's asleep, or when he's angry. Using every little fragile detail that I could grasp to fill in the blanks and make him more complete without actually having to ever 'speak' to him. My mind wandered through his every emotion, hoplessly attempting to build itself an artificial replica of Josh inside to keep close to my heart. Something close enough to the real thing for me to love just as much without the constant fear of rejection and heartache.

'Love'...psh! I don't even want to CALL it that. I DON'T! Because love hurts, love is empty, love is something that sets you up to be humiliated and embarrassed and hurt for a lot longer than it's worth! I mean, come on...LOOK at him! He's GOTTA have a girlfriend! He HAS to! No female in that school would allow him to go an entire day without saying something sweet to him, or having a sexy thought to whisper in his ear. He'd cave in eventually. He needs and wants sex just like anyone else our age. And he'd be giving my well deserved kisses away to someone else. I mean...I entertained the thought of him and I being these two love starved virgins that just 'happen' to find in each other all of the little things that makes the other one complete. And it was FUN to dream about him that way! I liked it! I really did. I'll admit that. But, I have to be real and understand that it's not going to happen. I can't even TALK to him, how the hell am I going to approach him as even a friend, much less anything more. It's not possible. If he wasn't one of the supreme highlights of my day, I'd completely erase him from my memory and just hope to find a way to be satisfied with masturbation for the rest of my life. But....I couldn't. Everytime I closed my eyes, he was there. And my mind made it real. Every single time, my mind made it real. If Gideon was right about the 'dream thing' and me having total control over it...then I was more stuck on Josh than I thought. That could be dangerous as far as my feelings were concerned. Considering that it was heartbreak waiting to happen.

I jumped in the shower again, and looked at myself. God...how I hated the way I looked. I hated it with a passion. It almost brought tears to my eyes. I grabbed my love handles again, and squeezed hard, hoping to somehow pinch them away. I ran my hair under the water, hoping that the water would dye it blond and the heat would just mold my face into something completely different. That my eyes would turn a glorious shade of blue and my body would slim and harden overnight. I don't WANT to be me! I want to be one of those cuties that get everything sooo easy. I wanted to be cute enough to have sex whenever I needed to get off. To be confident. To speak my mind and know that people are listening. I wanted to be the 'poster boy' of what is beautiful and accepted in this world...blond, blue eyed, slim, still in my teens, Christian, and straight. In the end, those were the only people the world gives a flying fuck about anyway. ESPECIALLY for gay people! Well, it's stupid to think that things will ever change. So the only way to be a part of it all was to wish that I could be like them. I wanted to be as beautiful and as wanted and as worthy of attention as the boys I'm unfortunately attracted to. The ones that can break your heart and can easily pick up somebody even cuter the next day without even breaking a sweat. In fact....I wanted to be Gideon. I wanted to look like him, walk like him, talk like him. I wanted his confidence, I wanted his experience, I wanted whatever it was that he had to keep me so enchanted whenever he came around. If only. I was so tired of hating myself, of feeling like I was the ugliest, most unpopular kid in school. Thanks to my new found blond buddy, I was beginning to realize that my life was even worse than I thought it was. I wanted more. SO much more! I wanted to be that boy I was in the dream, the one I could be proud of. Please Gideon, whoever you are, take me out of this dreary colorless world of mine and make me somebody that I won't despise so faithfully. He'll have an answer. He's got to have an answer.

I went to school that day, ate lunch without Gideon anywhere in site, and when the time came, I took a detour from my English class to head for the front door of the school. We had school security, but they didn't know one kid from the other, and they couldn't tell whether I had a 'free period' or was supposed to be in class. So nobody stopped me at all. No teachers, no kids, no security, nobody. Funny...up until the moment that when I opened that school door and was blinded by the daytime sunlight, I would have thought that ditching school was going to be as difficult as escaping Alcatraz. It was hardly 'Mission: Impossible' at all, and I was almost disappointed. I walked out to the field and returned to the fence where I saw Gideon already sitting back, drinking another soda. I began to feel jitters inside of me as I got closer to him. What was he going to tell me? How was he going to help me? What answers had he found that I couldn't? And how? And where? A billion questions, and only one answer...go meet him and find out.

"Right on time. Good. Did you bring the stuff I asked you to?" He said, still not looking at me.

"Um...y-y-yeah. I've got it all right here in my bag."

"Cool. Let's walk." He said, as he tossed his half empty can into the field. He stood up and began walking, still not making eye contact from his side of the fence, and I followed by walking beside him. "So...how are you feeling today?" He asked.

"Good."

"'Good'...well that explains an awful lot. How was your day?" What was this? I wasn't really in the mood for small talk at the moment.

"Fine. Nothing spectacular." I answered, as always.

"Wrong answer." I looked a bit confused, and he went on. "Do you have any idea how many things people do in a single 24 hour day? It's a LOT! One event after another. Problem area number one...you neither value, nor appreciate, a single one of those events. You don't even think about them. It's like you don't even notice, much less care. That's one of the things that we're going to have to work on first. Life, is a series of events. Events with a beginning, a middle, and an end. It's 100 tv sitcoms going on all at once in every corner of the room you may be standing in. Thousands of these events happen every day. You hear a joke, you see a familiar face, you learn something new, you overhear a bit of someone else's conversation, you see a friggin' butterfly...whatever. A lot of people want to believe that if something that happens during their day is not Earth shattering news, then it's not 'interesting' nor is it important. Not so. Everything that you experience in a single day, contributes to who you are in some way, shape, or form. You might inhale and exhale a total of 14 times in a single minute, and not notice a single one of them. But if you were drowning or suffocating or sinking in quicksand...suddenly, each one of those breaths becomes a treasured experience. Have the breaths changed? No...just your perspective. You have to WANT to appreciate your life, otherwise, you're just drifting along pointlessly. Waiting for the current to take you in the right direction. The circumstances don't have to be quite as drastic as a tragedy or life threatening situation for you to take notice of the little things."

I spoke up, "Again...you lost me dude. I just don't get it."

"I don't expect you to. Not yet. Listen now, absorb it later. Even if it doesn't make sense, just HUMOR me and think about it all for a minute or two. The concept alone is wordless. I can only tell you what works for me in my own personal experience. You'll be able to visualize these things in your own way once you've seen it for yourself." He kept walking forward with me right beside him. "Bottom line...don't take your life for granted. Not a single minute of it. You can find infinite beauty in the simplest of places if you just take the time to look at it. Being able to appreciate that beauty is going to make your initiation much easier."

That's where I had to stop him. "Initiation? For what, exactly?"

"Now that's the big million dollar question, isn't it?" Gideon grinned wickedly. "Tell me Gavin...do you believe in magic?"

"Magic? Like pulling rabbits out of hats and disappearing quarters?"

"No no no...no illusions, no trickery or slight of hand. True magic. Tapping into the limitless power around you. The energy that was always there, but so many people doubt its very existence that they refuse to even TRY to believe in it. They can't see it, and therefore, they believe that they can't use it."

"Okaaaay...I believe this is where I get off of the boat dude." I said, almost ready to turn around and go back to school.

"Strange, is it? Of course you think it's strange. Once you are efficently 'tossed' out of your childhood, you are taught to limit your beliefs. No more monsters, no more Santa Claus, no more Easter Bunny. BUT...when you were younger, the ideas of dragons and creatures under your bed, were SO real, that they were a part of your everyday reality. Your mind MADE them real to the point where they effected your behavior, your thoughts, your dreams. They guided you to believe in something that made you structure your own set of values and morals around it. Whether they want you to believe it or not, society operates the same way. You believe that you'll be an adult at 18 because they TELL you so, and they make it your reality. So at midnight before your 18th birthday, you magically transform into an adult worthy of making your own decisions? Why 18? Why not 21? Why not 50? Why not 10? It's whenever they TELL you it is, and you never question it. Because you're supposed to believe what the 'important people' tell you. You believe in government, and religion, and the law, and national holidays...why? Because the majority of people around you says that it's ok. That's why. Imagine...if enough people were to honestly believe in magic. imagie if they could believe in it strongly enough to tap into the limitless source of power that it provides. If THAT became the majority's point of view, you would be considered the 'strange' one for NOT believing."

"YOU, my friend, need therapy." I said.

"It's all around you right now, Gavin. Around you, inside you, passing through you. Unnoticed and unused because it's not as concrete as your average 9 to 5 job. It's not as believable as bumper to bumper traffic, or a nice set of tits, or a needle filled with the drug of your choice. You've been 'taught' to limit your idea of possibility. To put a cap on it where you can only believe so much, and once you cross the line of immediate proof...anything else must be a fairy tale. The ramblings of a crazy person who isn't in touch with 'reality'. Am I right?" He said.

"Yeah, but MAGIC, dude? Come on."

"Why NOT magic? What's so hard to believe about magic? You believe in God, don't you? You believe in things like gravity, and oxygen, and love, and mathematics. You can't see those things, or touch them. Yet you believe on blind faith alone that they exist. Why is magic so different?"

"Because magic isn't real. It's done with mirrors and camera tricks and hocus pocus bullshit. Just because you come along and tell me that magic is real, doesn't make it so." I said, beginning to think that I wasted my time on this whole stupid adventure today.

"Oh really? Well, what if I told you that man never landed on the moon? What if I told you that there were 19 planets in the solar system instead of 9? What if I told you that the Civil War never happened? What then?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Can you, in any way shape or form, prove that *I* was the insane one by making those claims?"

"Yes!"

"How so?"

"By grabbing any book, asking any official, getting the artifacts, shuttle photos...and a billion other things! Helloooo?"

Gideon smiled at me and said, "So, you would grab history books, photos, people who 'study' these things, film footage, and so-called artifacts...and that would make your claims real? Because you have a lot of people to get on your side and back you up? Is that right?"

"Exactly."

"So what if all the photos you've seen were faked? What if the video of the moon landing was actually a guy in a suit, in the desert, with wires and a bit of distorted information? What if the government doesn't want anyone to know there's a 10th or 11th planet, so they just decided to say, 'Hey, let's make it 9 planets and leave it at that. And while we're at it, we'll make the legal driving age...um...16...that sounds good'? What if the artifacts from the Civil War were forgeries? What if the 'facts' were all created out of someone's imagination and falsified, and the people who are supposedly experts in these fields are all studying the same distinct set of lies that were laid out for you to believe in? Hmmm? Absolutely impossible, right? Pure insanity! BUT...when you sit down and really think about it, you've been living your whole life on blind faith without even knowing it. You've been accepting the popular opinion of the people around you as truth, without ever questioning its value or its purpose. And when you really break down the specifics of your reality, you'll find that your history books, your science books, the Bible, the law, and my wild claims of true magic being real, can pretty much ALL fit in the same category. Something that you have to believe in, something that you have to live by. The only thing making it real...is you." I think he could see the strange look that I was giving him, and shook his head with a smile, "Sighhhhh...but...like I said, you'll come to your own conclusions later on. 'Reality' still has its claws in you pretty deep right now, and that's cool. But I guarantee you that you'll have a much wider perspective by the time your initiation is over."

There was that word again. 'Initiation'. "So...you're going to teach me how to shoot thunderbolts out of my fingertips and levitate objects with my mind? Is that it?" I joked.

But then, Gideon surprised me with, "If you want to learn, sure. I don't see why not." At that moment we reached the end of the fence and he winked at me as he climbed over to my side. Was that his way of joking too? Or was he actually serious?

I decided to keep taunting him a bit, but I was also curious as to what he said. "So...I'll be able to fly, and turn invisible, and jack off at the speed of light?"

"Hehehe, whatever you want, superman." Grrr! This isn't giving me any answers! "Gavin, magic isn't some supernatural power or being able to defy the laws of physics. It's actually a lot simpler than that. It's generating a thought in your mind, and and converting that though into action. It can be as easy as moving a pencil from one place to another with your hand. You thought about it, and then you made it happen. Your life works exactly the same way. There may be a lot of things that you want, but only one or two that you believe you can have. So, no matter how hard you are supposedly working towards all of those goals, you're only going to actually achieve the one or two that you BELIEVE in. The rest are 'ghosts and shadows'...things you want to be real, but don't REALLY believe in enough to MAKE real. The key is finding a way to believe, and then finding a way to follow that belief until you get what you want. For your initiation into magic, the first thing you are going to have to do is change your way of thinking. If you don't believe, then it will never be real." Gideon led me accross a busy street, and then down into a long ditch running beside the train tracks. "You seem awfully quiet all of the sudden. No questions?"

"I'm not exactly sure how any of this is going to help me. I mean, you have to admit that this is a bit hard to grasp all at once."

"Take your time. It won't happen overnight. For some people, it never happens at all. They simply never accept the idea that they can have whatever they want through faith and patience. We live in a world where everybody wants everything now and their not supposed to chase any dream that's too far fetched for the average person to believe in. They're unable to make that subtle shift in their way of thinking, and they end up 'following the herd' all the way over the cliff. It sucks, but that's their choice, and some people can live very full and happy lives by doing that. Just not me. Hehehe, nah...I'm reaching for the stars, baby! You're an artist, right? You should know what I mean."

"I suppose."

"Artists are cool. Whether it's poetry, or drawing, martial arts, sculpting, singing, painting, writing, design, whatever. It's such an expression of the soul. Once people learn how to effectively and passionately tap into that little area inside of them that connects them to their inner spirit...they're unstoppable. It's awesome. I see you as being one of those people who would put a lot of heart into their work."

Instinctively, without even knowing it, I found myself wanting to jump up on that rail and walk with Gideon. Just a little child-like urge to balance on it and walk along just like he was. Something about it just looked fun. So, I gave in, and stepped up on the rail behind him to follow him. "Yeah, whatever. My artwork sucks. I can't ever seem to get it right."

"It's an ART, dude. It's always right. Once it's finished, it becomes a piece of you. Something that nobody else will ever be able to duplicate. Even when you're consciously tearing it down, your subconscious is a little more relaxed for getting the opportunity to express itself."

Walking behind him on that rail was fun. Such a little thing. "If you say so."

"I DO say so, and you fighting me on it isn't going to change my mind. So...shut up and take the compliment already."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome. Now, did you bring those drawings that I told you to bring?" He asked.

"Yeah...they're right here." I started to fish them out, but he stopped me.

"Now you're absolutely, positively, SURE that these are the best drawings that you've ever done?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "Yeah...I guess so."

"GUESSING isn't what I wanted and it certainly isn't what I asked for. ARE these the BEST?" He asked again with a bit of a demanding tone in his voice.

"Um...yeah." I mumbled.

"You don't sound so sure."

"YES! Happy now?" I shouted, and he just smiled and kept walking.

"Blissfully."

As he got further away from me, I got a bit confused. "So...don't you want to see them?"

"Eventually, sure. It might be nice to see what you're capable of. But the drawings aren't for me right now, they're for you."

I was puzzled. "But...I've already seen these..."

"Not the way you will tonight, I'll bet. They're the best you have to offer, right? Well...take another look at them when you go home, and think about them. REALLY think. Why they're special, what you were feeling when you drew them, what was going on in your life at the time...everything surrounding each individual drawing. That's going to be the first part of your homework."

"The FIRST part?" I asked.

"Yeah. Every time that we get together, you'll have three tasks to accomplish by the next time we meet. Got it? If you follow the rules, and make your best effort, you'll move forward to the next step. You keep completing the tasks and moving forward, you'll see your view of the world and yourself begin to change. Things will begin to happen to you that you never thought possible. Opportunities for improvement will litterally THROW themselves at you for what appears to be no reason at all. Things will fall into place, and soon everything will have an air of possibility...even the things you once thought were impossible or crazy or unattainable. The more concrete the concept of self improvement becomes in your mind, the stronger your belief, and it will get easier and easier as you go along. By the time your initiation is over, you'll see things very differently, and magic won't seem like such a fairy tale anymore. That's when I start to teach you the really 'cool' stuff." He was walking faster on the rail now, and it was hard to keep up without falling off. I asked him what the other parts of my homework would be for the night, and he replied, "The first thing is, I want you to write down, with the red pen, everything that you hate about these drawings in your notebook. Then, all the things that make them special to you with the blue pen. And be honest. Don't let your emotions get the best of you. The more honest you are, the more detailed and unrestricted, the faster you'll grow." Gideon led us off of the tracks, and back towards the school. "The second task, is that I want you to read and study that list of likes and dislikes in your notebook...and I want you to use them to create three NEW favorite drawings. Even better than these three. Strengthen what you liked about the others, and stay away from what you hated about the others. It's that simple. Put your heart and soul into it, and bring it back the day after tomorrow."

"The day after TOMORROW??? I can't do that! Do you know how long it takes me to do one of these things?"

"You can, and you will. NO excuses! And before you even ask, no it's NOT ok if you 'try your best and just don't finish in time'! Push yourself. Inspiration isn't some ghost that comes floating by on some random occassion. You control it! Get a hold of it, and make it work for you. Concentrate, miss a few tv shows, lose some sleep, I don't care how you do it. But if you want to move to the next step...you'll find a way." Well, gee...that sounds just dandy, doesn't it?

As we approached the school gate, just a few minutes walk back to school and to my next class, I asked, "So what's the third thing?"

"How'd you sleep last night?" He said out of nowhere.

"Huh?"

"Last night. How did you sleep?" What the hell was THAT supposed to mean???

"Dude, can you just stop being really weird for a second and just..."

"Dreams, kiddo. Did you have a dream last night?"

I thought back to what I was dreaming of the night before. About...being beautiful, and sexy, and wanted. About holding Josh in my arms and feeling his sweet kiss as it brought a blinding light to my once darkened existence. The lingering adrenaline rush that came from that dream was almost enough to make me sigh outloud. But I didn't want Gideon to see that. He was basically a mind reader as it was, no need to give in anymore than I had to. "I...I don't dream all that much."

"Yes you do. You dream every single night when you go to sleep, dufus. If you didn't, you'd be quite insane by now. And now that you're holding back, something tells me that you remember exactly what you dreamed about and just don't want to tell me. Am I right or am I wrong?"

"I've gotta get to class."

"Third task..." He said, putting a hand on my shoulder to stop me from running off. "...your dreams are a representation of what you really want. See, while you're conscious, you can mentally warp those thoughts and images and distort them to be anything that best 'suits your current situation'. BUT...when you dream, your subconscious finally gets to take over. And it's not going to be worried about analyzing things. It doesn't worry about taking chances, or doubts, or fears, or consequences, or risks. Things in your dreams don't HAVE to make sense, they just simply are. And you are mentally controlling every minute detail inside that paradise that you created for yourself. All of your desires, all of your phobias, all of your most animalistic urges are locked within. An entire universe built from the things your spirit needs to be fulfilled. It's scary to stare so deep into your own reflection, but if you want to tap into the kind of power that I'm going to give you, then you're going to have to know exactly what it is that you want. And you're going to have to accept those wants and needs completely. No matter WHAT society says, no matter WHAT your friends say, or your family, or some 2000 year old religion, or anything else. This is for YOU! And only YOU know what your heart wants and needs. Even when 'they' tell you it's wrong."

"But..." I started to speak, but he cut me off quick.

"NO 'buts'! Listen...you had a dream last night. In that dream, your subconscious was trying to tell you something. Something that you want. Maybe a bunch of things that you want. Go home tonight, think about the details of that dream. Whatever it was that existed in that world that you don't have in real life...THAT'S what you want. Write just 'one' of those desires down on the back of one of the new drawings you bring to me. We'll start there, got it?"

"Is...is that it? Just tell you what I want..."

"...And I make it happen for you. Simple as that. But you're going to have to find out exactly what it is that you want to ask for, aren't ya?" He said. Gideon patted me on the shoulder, and gently pushed me in the direction of the school. "The day after tomorrow, same time. Meet me on the bleachers out by the soccer field and we'll talk. Got it?"

"Same time? You mean ditch another class?" I was going to have to go ANOTHER day without Josh's lovely vision crossing my path???

"You can call in sick and ditch the whole day if you want. Just be there!"

I turned around to walk back to class, thinking if maybe he could pick ANY other period to do this...whatever the hell kinda weirdness he was planning. So I turned around to ask, "Do you think that maybe we could...?" But he was gone. Completely gone. Not a single trace of him left. How the hell does he DO that, anyway? I stood there, looking for him for a second or two longer, until I heard the school bell ring off in the distance. I would have to practically run in order to make it back on time, so I let it go and just started a trot back to class.

I spent the rest of the afternoon thinking about everything that Gideon had said to me. Only half of it making sense, and the other half 'seeming' like it should make sense when it really didn't. Was it something that I was missing? Maybe I'm too slow to get it right. Maybe there IS no right when you think about it. Just...my opinion and how I let it guide me towards being a better person. I wonder. Well...if this was my answer, than I could at least give it a shot.

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Part 4

I looked at the drawings again that night after dinner, and I thought about finding something to like about them. I couldn't. In fact, I was starting to wonder why I chose these drawings at all. They weren't that great. Arrrgh! I liked them just FINE yesterday! Sigh...I don't know WHY I liked them, I just...did. I got frustrated after thinking about it for 25 minutes with no answers, and took a break before I started banging my head against the wall. I had been sitting in the living room, watching some old reruns on tv, for only ten minutes or so when the phone rang. I expected Faith to run to it like she always does and laugh hysterically with one of her many friends that she can gossip and bullshit with for what seems like hours everyday. But the phone kept ringing and annoying the hell out of me. No matter HOW bad you try to ignore a ringing phone, it's just NOT possible! I jumped up and grabbed the receiver. "Sigh...hello?" I said with a frustrated groan.

"Television won't help to inspire your artwork, Gavin. I believe we had a deal." Said the voice on the other end.

"Gideon? How did you get my number?" I asked, surprised to hear his voice.

"Asking me questions won't help you either. Get your priorities straight, turn off the tv, and think about your tasks. You have to focus. This isn't some lame assignment that you can put off until the last minute and then rush through so you can turn it in for 'credit'. You wanted a full experience, and that won't come from half ass effort. You get me?" And before I knew it, I heard some static...and then a click. He hung up on me.

I frowned up a bit at the intrusion, and was wondering if he was standing outside my window or something. But when I looked outside, I didn't see anything at all. I went back to the tv for a few minutes more...but believe it or not, my conscience began to screw with me, and I had to turn it off. Grrrr! The son of a bitch had me under control, even over the phone! I got up and went back to my room, beginning an hour long search that actually allowed me to come up with a few decent things to write down on both sides. I kept going, and then grabbed my set of pencils and ink. I stared at the blank pages of my sketchbook. I had finally written down what I hated and loved about my drawings...the 'hate' side being much much longer. And now all I had to do was completely improve on everything that I've ever done in my whole life...in the next two days. Sigh...they always say that the first line you draw is the hardest. Here goes nothing...

I woke up the next morning with bloodshot eyes and extremely groggy. I don't know how it happened, but I realized that I had spent almost ALL of last night trying to draw some new stuff. I only got three hours of sleep, and I knew that I wouldn't be able to make it through a whole day of school without dozing off in one or two of my classes. I'm just not sure what came over me, but that first drawing actually turned out to be pretty decent when it was finished, and after looking at it I just HAD to start on a second one. Even though I was REALLY tired and could barely see at the time, I couldn't go to sleep until that second one was finished too. The first thing that I did that morning when I got up, was look at them again. The first one being a colorful vision of a dragon breathing fire while in flight. I must admit...I was kinda proud of myself for that one. I looked at it, and admired the detail of the muscles, and the scales, and the flames. I don't think I ever concentrated so hard on making everything so perfect before. I imagined myself as someone else, trying to look at my work through the eyes of another person. And I loved it. I impressed myself. The second drawing was one of a giant wolf on a mountain top, howling endlessly at a silver moon placed delicately in a star filled sky. Another picture that I could be proud of, with extra attention to detail that I usually skipped over or left alone. I'm glad I gave it a shot. That little challenge made me push myself to do something I probably wouldn't have even considered if Gideon hadn't told me to. Maybe that was the first lesson. Maybe I'm actually passing the first of God knows how many tests he has for me. I wasn't sure what the third drawing would be, but I'll worry about that later.

I jumped into the shower, thinking about Josh as I always do, still rock hard to the point where it was almost painful, and I enjoyed another daily release. God...as empty as I felt afterwards, that swift moment of total bliss before my ejaculation, that one split second where I know that I can't stop the orgasm from taking over my body completely...was the most magical moment of my life. Each and every day. It was like...I made it real. In that single moment...I brought Josh into my arms and loved him enough to solidify any dreamy image I may have ever had of him. The girl that gets to be his lover is going to be SO lucky!!! I'll spend the rest of my days crying with a level of anger and jealousy that would rival anything ever felt by another human being. But he'll be happy, and I suppose that should be enough. Breathing hard, and still shuddering from an intense climax, I tried to let the images of Josh linger just a little bit longer before letting them go back into hiding again. Deep in my mind where, hopefully, none of the other kids could find them and laugh at me. Scoffing at my attempts to win over someone so beautiful. I'm not worth it. I'm SO not worth it.

The majority of my school day, I walked around with my heart in my shoe. Sinking as low as it could possibly go, and still trying to escape by dropping lower. It only got worse once I got to my English class that afternoon. Just...seeing him there, sitting so close and seeming so far away. It hurt to look at him. It felt as though my heart was going to leap forward out of my chest and into his arms, because it wanted him soooo badly and my body was too scared to move even an inch closer to him. It was almost hard to breathe, the air around me turning into a thick gelatin and practically suffocating the life out of me. Sighhhh....my eyes traced every soft curve of his lips, seperated every beautiful strand of his hair, and my sight tenderly caressed what looked to be the smoothest skin in creation. I watched as his little stomach expanded with each breath, and the way the fabric of his pants stretched out over his soft thighs. I licked the back of my teeth, imagining that it was the erotically gentle curve of his long neck. I looked at his hands, at his shoulders, at his knees...I almost wanted to cry from the raw lovliness that surrounded him at all times. He looked sooooo warm. I just wanted to hug him tenderly and nibble on his ear, to kiss the soft flesh of his smooth cheek and feel the heat radiating from inside him.. He wouldn't have to do anything at all, just...lie still, and let me love him. My erection was fully stiff now, and begining to pain me as it struggled to point in Joshua's direction. Loving him must be so unreal. I doubt that I'd be able to survive a single kiss, much less anything else. He switched a little in his seat, and I gasped at the fact that he was moving. Art in motion, bigger and better than anything that I could ever draw. God...he's SO CUTE!!!

Then, he caught me STARING! I tried to look away in time, but he had already seen me! I KNOW he had! I was too terrified to look back. Hoping that he would just write it off as me just looking around the room randomly out of boredom. But I had to look back eventually. I HAD to! And when I did, he was sitting differently...legs closer together, and turned away from me a bit where I couldn't see him as well. As though he was covering up to keep me from having something to stare at. As though...he didn't want me to look. Ever.

I almost felt my heart breaking right then and there, and it got even worse when he looked at me, quickly turning away again. But I did my best to keep it together. It's all in your head, Gavin. It's all in your head. I mean, he doesn't even know me, right? And the fact that I'm staring at him probably freaks him out a bit, so...don't go thinking he hates you. I'm fine. I'm ok. Really. Wow...he's so cute. My mouth is litterally WATERING for the smallest sample tasting of him. Arrrgh! Ok...stop. Stop. Just....slow down a bit, don't look at him, and get yourself together. He's just a human being. Nothing more. My strategy and self pep talks never lasted for more than 30 seconds before I was looking at him again. I couldn't STOP! And everytime I looked, my heart leapt up into my throat and my erection would begin to stiffen again. And even when I wasn't looking, he was still there in my mind. It was as though his image was permanantely burned onto my retina. This feels really good, but it SUCKS at the same time!

The bell rang about twenty minutes later, and I got up on shakey legs to head for the door. Somewhere between trying to totally absorb him with my eyes, and attempting to ignore a beauty that was shining so bright that it was almost blinding me, I had come up with the stupid plan to actually talk to this young god for the first time. It was something that had crossed my mind many times before, but only as a fantasy. I never actually considered DOING it before. Sigh...ok, Gideon...I'm going to assume that you're going to make me cool one day soon, so maybe this won't be a total bust. I just want to talk to him, just to see what he'd do. Just to try it. Just once. Just...say hello. He can't argue with hello. I can't possibly embarrass myself with hello. I don't THINK I can! Why am I shaking like this? I can't stop trembling, he's going to think I'm an epileptic. But as much as the thought of finally speaking to one of the most beautiful boys on Earth brought a feeling paralyzing terror and despair to my life, I decided to take a chance. So...I got up, and I waited for him to head for the door. I followed him into the hallway, my heart beating a thousand times faster than normal, beads of sweat appearing on my forehead. I was so nervous that I thought my lungs would burst from the amount of pressure I was putting on them to breathe normally. And he was walking right in front of me. Right there, only a few steps ahead. Oh wow, everytime he passed a window, the sunlight illuminated his delicate features and brought him to life like you wouldn't believe. I was literally melting at the very sight of him. It was hard to walk with me being so weak in the knees, but I managed to catch up to him anyway. I was afraid to get too close, but also afraid to let him get away. I probably won't have the courage to try this again if I give in today. I walked beside him for a minute, not saying anything. Just taking a quick glance or two at his profile and trying to think of the exact tone and pitch of my voice to say hello with. Trying to find just the right moment, just the right section of the hallway, maybe when he passed the stairs...I just WISH I was cool enough to not worry about doing this shit all the time! I mean, SHIT! He was RIGHT THERE! He was walking next to me! And all I had to do now, was open up my mouth and SAY something! ANYTHING! Please??? Don't let me chicken out of this now! Speak! SPEAK, damn you, SPEAK!!!

I cleared my throat, and with an extremely nervous and shakey teenage voice, I stuttered, "Um...h-h-hello..."

He turned to look at me, and his eyes were almost enough to knock me down! DAMN he was sexy! Please don't tell me to get lost! Aww, that would absolutely KILL me! Say something sweet, baby. Please? Don't break my heart...I couldn't live with that. I'd rather you say nothing at all and let me keep the fantasy. You are soooo adorable. The most beautiful boy I've ever seen. Let me love you...I'm begging you. Please...let me love you. Then, with a slight, and I mean very slight, grin, he spoke to me. "Hi..." He said, and then he kept walking. My heart stopped, not knowing whether this was a good thing, or a bad thing. But I wanted more. So much more! I wanted to speak to him again, but wasn't exactly sure what to say! I mean...'hello' was my big finale. I didn't really have a follow up or a back up plan. I tried to think of somethng else, tried to somehow come up with some kind of interesting comment that would maybe catch his attention. That would make him notice me, that would make him want me. Come on Gavin! You've been thinking about every single day since you first laid eyes on him, you've GOTTA have something you want to say to your love god!!!

But...by the time I was through arguing with myself and wrestling with my doubts and fears, he was going into his next classroom. "Um...bye." I said. And he looked back to repeat a farewell greeting. And that was it. The whole thing was over, and I was no closer to getting Josh to notice me than I was before making this idiotic attempt to make myself seem somewhat cooler than I am. The only thing worse than the class dork, is when the class dork actually TALKS to you and won't leave you alone. Maybe that's what I should do...just...

...leave him alone.

As I continued walking on to my next class, I felt my feet get heavier, my heart begin to drop again, and my one moment of excitement was replaced with a vision of lifelong torture. One where I was always walking behind the boy of my dreams, and never at his side. If only I had something to say, if only I could have been somebody else. I walk through the halls and see a hundred young blond teenagers that I'd want to trade places with. People that I watched get whatever they wanted. If I could just be ONE of them, if only for just a little while, maybe I could be happy too. Maybe then I can have lots of sex and have people fall for me, only waiting for me to return their feelings. Instead of always wondering if they'll return mine. That day, the walk to my next class was one of the longest walks in history. A walk with no destination, because every new place that it took me was just as lonely as the last.

Needless to say, I didn't draw the third drawing that night. I opened my sketchbook, and simply didn't have the heart to even attempt to create something out of the pain I was feeling inside. All I saw was Josh, pulling further and further away from me. Never thinking about me, never considering me as anything more than background in his mundane everyday ritual of going to class. And I'd never be anything more. The thought of it stabbed through me, leaving a hole in my chest and making my heart weak from the inside. I put my sketchbook away, and figured, what the heck is Gideon going to do? He's not my dad for crying outloud. He's another kid, just like me. I'll tell him that I wasn't in the mood, and he'll just have to accept that. Case closed. I went to sleep still aching over what had happened that afternoon, and trying to inspire the pain to hurt me enough to MAKE me stop loving him the way I do. But it didn't. It only made me want him more. But I guess it was for the best. Sometimes...you sleep a lot better once you let the tears out.

Next morning, alarm, get up, hate reflection, shower, orgasm, feel bad, bus, back to school. Same as always. The only thing that changed today, was the fact that I was willing to test my luck and ditch school about halfway through the day. I didn't feel like facing Josh, I didn't feel like facing Gideon...I didn't feel like facing 'life' today. And when I found the opportunity at lunch, I snuck out and caught the first public bus home. I was going to miss my meeting with Gideon, but dammit, I didn't see how he was going to help me. Unless he was telling me to be somebody I'm not and fool everybody into thinking I'm somebody special. I doubt that it would work, and even if it did, what kind of life would it be if I couldn't ever be myself around people? I can't imagine.

The entire time that I was at home, I felt my mood getting angrier and angrier. So disgusted with myself for not being what he needs me to be in order to accept the love that I could give to him so infinitely. This isn't fair! It's NOT! I sit here like a fucking punching bag, emotionally crippled because I have to bear seeing the boys I want constantly looking for someone else! Any one of them willing to knock me down to get to the cute youngster standing behind me. My heart has been broken time and time and time AGAIN! For what??? Am I supposed to LEARN something from this each time? Am I supposed to 'hang in there' and cross my fingers, and say 'hey, maybe NEXT time'? Fine, how about this, I'll just throw myself out of a fucking ten story window, die, and maybe get reincarnated as someone beautiful enough for people to give a shit about! Is that my only answer? To be somebody else, or settle for less? I bet if I looked like the kids in the fancy music videos, the teen jean models, the boy band dolls, or one of the many sexy people that I see plastered all over the internet porn sites, I'd have a lovelife to speak of. Maybe then I could actually allow my heart to fall in love with somebody without completely hating myself for not being worthy enough of being with them. Maybe I wouldn't be so scared of getting my heart stomped on or left for someone prettier in the long run. Looks like I'll have to be dead and gone for anyone to notice I was around at all. And if that's my only answer...then maybe I should start making...'arrangements'.

A knock came at my back door, and I quickly wiped the few streaks off of my face where my tears had fallen. Then I straightened myself up as best as I could, and went to the door. When I opened it...it was Gideon! Here? At my house? "Good afternoon, Mr. Blake. Took the day off, I see?" He smiled.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, as he pushed his way passed me, walking into the kitchen.

"I believe we had an appointment today at 2 O'clock. The time is now...2:09, sorry I'm late."

"Late? Appointment? Dude...how did you find out where I live? What are you doing here?" I asked, just wanting him to go away so I could sulk for a while longer.

"You made a committment, Gavin. You didn't think I was just going to let you walk out of it, did you? I figured that you wouldn't show up today, and it looks like I was right. See? When you trust your deepest instincts, they're usually pretty accurate. I thought you might need a boost, so I decided to drop by."

"Yeah, well...now is not a good time." I said, but he kept walking until he got to my bedroom. It was as though he hadn't even heard me. I followed behind him, my feet stomping angrily as I approached him from behind. "I SAID...now is not a good time!"

"Let me guess...you want some more time 'alone'. Right?" He said, now fiddling with stuff on my desk.

I pushed his hands away from my stuff, "Yes! As a matter of fact, I do! If you don't mind!"

"Why?"

"What???"

"Why do you want to be alone THIS time?"

"WHO GIVES A FUCK WHY??? I just DO! And this is MY house!" I shouted.

"Calm down. You're going to mess around and pop a blood vessel if you keep this up for much longer." Gideon said calmly...enticing my rage to burn even hotter than before. Then he turned to me and smiled. "Let me tell you something, Gavin...'alone'...it's for pussies. Hate to tell ya that, but it's true." My mouth dropped open, my eyebrows frowned up as I prepared to make the decision of whether I wanted to punch him right in the eye to disprove his whole 'pussy' theory completely!

"I am going to give you 30 seconds to leave my house." I said through gritted teeth.

But Gideon just kept talking, without ever flinching once. "Alone...depressed...self pity...sulking...doubt. Sure, we all have our moments where we need to indulge in those things. But it's up to YOU whether it takes over or not. It's your decision whether or not you want to spend ten minutes crying over something, or ten weeks, or ten YEARS. You hold on to the sadness for as long as you want to, and when you finally get tired of feeling like shit, you let it go and you move on. So what the hell are you drawing it out for? Just say to yourself that you don't WANT to feel bad! Start with that prospect, and you can begin healing right now. Whatever it is that's bothering you...THIS time...won't get any better until you decide that you want to MAKE it better. Otherwise, you're just going to sit here and cry and whine and complain and feel bad until you want to stop punishing yourself for some shit that you're probably blasting way out of proportion anyway."

"I said get out...." I was doing all that I could to control my temper, but it wasn't working too well.

"You wanna know why you like holding onto the pain?"

"I don't think you're hearing me asshole!"

"I'll tell you why. Because it's 'safe', isn't it? It feels good to wallow in your pain. It's eerily soothing sometimes, our misery and our ability to exploit it to its highest limit. See, love, friendship, trust, joy...you need other people for that, don't you? You have to actually share those emotions with someone else in order to make them complete, in order to feel their effect to its fullest potential. But self pity? Depression? Pouting in a corner about what you want and can't have? You don't need anybody for that, do you?"

"I won't ask AGAIN Gideon!" I shouted.

"No...those emotions allow you to be 'alone'. You get to wrap yourself up in your sorrow and pull the blankets over your head so you can be safe from making any effort or taking any risks of getting hurt any more. You get to shut out the whole world and all of its big bad problems while you hide away in the impenetrable walls of misery. No fear, no rejection, no risk. And you finally get control, because you don't have to come out of your depression until you want to. You don't have to talk to anybody or smile or be a part of life...ever...unless YOU feel like it. And to demonstrate that, you just hold on to your problems like a toddler clinging to his mommy's leg. For as long as you can, just to prove that you don't need them." Gideon leaned back against my desk, and looked me in the eye. "Then, you later get to 'brag' about your pain because that will make you a big man, right? A better man. Because you've supposedly suffered through something that someone else hasn't, and that makes you a great big sob story. Oh, boo hoo!" The audacity of this jerk!!! "You know, we all have problems, some bigger than others, some EVEN bigger than yours, and I understand that they can be downright devastating at times. I KNOW, believe me. It hurts deep down inside where you can't reach it, and you feel it eating away at you every single day like an acid."

I was angry, hurt, disgusted...but I didn't expect tears to begin leaking from my eyes as I listened to this beautiful blond boy, who obviously had fucking EVERYTHING, tell me that MY life is supposed to be 'all gumdrops and candy canes'! "Why are you doing this?" I sobbed, the heated tears making hot rivers down both of my cheeks.

"Because I'm trying to HELP you, Gavin! I'm actually standing right here, right in front of your face, and telling you that I care and that I want to help you make things better in your life. And you know what you're doing? You're shutting me out. Don't you GET it? You're running away from me and hiding in your fantastic little dreamworld where nothing ever goes wrong, where it never rains, and you get everything that you want out of your life. You're hiding from the ONE person who's trying to give you some fucking answers! And do you know why? Because deep down inside, you don't WANT to get better. You want to keep this little piece of drama in your everyday life so that you'll always have something to cry about when you need it. Because this pain, this agony, is the only life that you've built for yourself. If that's what you want, fine. Just let me know so I can get a safe enough distance away from you so I don't have to LOOK at it. Because, frankly, I think it's pathetic!"

God...every word stabbed right through me like a dagger, and I tried my best to keep from breaking down into a fit of tears in front of him. "Stop! Just leave, ok? Just...fucking leave!" I cried.

"Now you want me to go. Just 'go away' and stop ruining the fantasy that you're some great Christ-like martyr and the whole world is going to stop spinning if you're feeling down. Is that what you want? Is that what you see yourself doing for the rest of your days on this Earth? Just a few smiles and daydreams in between depressions?" Gideon was still staring me right in the eye, intensely. It was intimidating, and kept me frozen in place, my eyes flooded even worse now.

"Stop this..." I sobbed weakly.

"YOU STOP THIS!!! You've got the power inside you, Gavin! It's RIGHT THERE in your heart, and it's scratching and clawing to get out despite your attempts to bury it alive! I can't make you feel better, NOBODY is going to fucking make you feel better! They may care for you, love you, advise you, be there for you...but unless you're ready to stand on your own two feet and become determined to fix the problem areas in your life, it's all a waste of their time AND mine! Do you think that anything that I could possibly do for you is going to help you unless you WANT to be helped? HELL NO! You've got to stand up and TAKE what you want! You've got to put forth some kind of EFFORT! Nothing is going to drop out of the sky and land in your face, and if it DID, you STILL wouldn't catch it because you would never leave the confines of your house to go out and get it! So what are we doing here, Gavin? Are we going to work to make things better, or are you going to sit here and waste another few hours, days, or even years, of your life whining and crying about the same old bullshit? Because I've got better things to do than sit here and help you self destruct." I slid down to the floor, and felt my heart burst open, weeping outloud at what he said to me. How could he be so mean, so cruel? It hurt to the point that I thought the sobs would force me to pass out any minute. That's when he put a hand on my shoulder and said, "Listen...I'm not here to cuddle you. I'm not here to lie to you and tell you it will all be ok if you just sit here on the floor and wait for it. I'm not here to comfort you and help you to feel sorry for yourself when I know that you're so much better than this. But you've got to want it, Gavin. You've got to stand the fuck up and ask yourself 'Have you had enough?'" As I sit, still crying by Gideon's feet, he lifted my head from my hands and repeated, "Have you had enough?"

"I don't understand..."

"MAKE yourself understand, Gavin! TRY! Challenge yourself! Challenge your thinking, challenge you safe little confines, and stop fighting for something 'comfortable'! You wake up everyday, go through the same damn routine without any real thought or effort of any kind. No dreams, no ambition, no risks at all. You do the same thing over and over again, predictably allowing your life to lull you to sleep with no thought of the time you could be using to reach for something more. That doesn't have to be you. You can go after the things that you need to be happy any time you WANT to. It can be YOURS if you want it, Gavin."

"I never get what I want. Never." I mumbled.

"I've got a secret for you, kid. NOBODY gets what they want in this life! They get what they WORK for! And the second you're willing to make a committment, and FORCE yourself to stick to it, no matter what anyone tells you, no matter what they do to stop you or knock you down...you can HAVE it! If you don't like your life, then change it."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I CAN'T!!!" I screamed!

"What is it that you want? Huh? WHAT? You want to go to Paris? GO! Sell your computer, your cds, your clothes if you have to, get some money, and just go. You want to play guitar, take lessons. You want to be an artist, get some books on it, improve your craft, sell it to somebody. If no one has ever done it at your age, fuck it, be the first! The whole world wants you to believe that everything is so hard, so damn impossible. If everyone believed that, we'd still be in the stone age! What about airplanes, light bulbs, the Civil Rights Movement, the Pyramids, telephones, the internet...do you think if any of those people just 'accepted' the world around them and believed that they couldn't do any better, that we would have made any advancements at all? People have been JAILED, TORTURED, and EXECUTED, for trying to think differently from the people surrounding them, even with the best of intentions. But they made advancements by keeping their faith and moving forward no matter what forces were pushing against them. Even when people laughed at them, told them they couldn't do it, called them crazy and ridiculed them...they believed in their visions strongly enough to make them a reality. It didn't come from sitting on their asses and making excuses as to why they were so stupid for even TRYING to be anything other than average. It's not as awful and difficult as you make it out to be. With will power, faith, and patience, you can do anything...or you can sit here on the floor and do nothing. Later wishing you had." Gideon firmly took a hold of my hand, and then gently tugged on it. Not enough to really pull me to my feet, but just enough to let me know what he wanted me to do. "I'll take you by the hand, Gavin...but you have to stand on your own." He said.

I hesitated a minute, trying to wipe the tears away, but he told me not to. He said that tears are a part of life. That they don't weaken me, they make me stronger. And that's when I shifted my weight, and rose to my feet. That's when he asked me once again if I had 'had enough', to which I whispered..."Yes."

"I'm not convinced, Gavin. Have you had enough???" He said louder.

"Yes." I said a bit louder, feeling my voice raise in pitch, almost cracking at the slight strain I was putting on it.

"Not yet you haven't! You're still letting doubt put a strangle hold on you! I still don't feel it! SAY IT! Not popular, no love life, no real money, low self esteem, dirty room? HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH???" He shouted! And I replied by shouting back, "YES! I've had enough! Happy now?"

"Fuck what *I* feel! This is about YOU! There isn't anyone else in this room but you, buddy boy! If you want to do this and do it right, you've gotta FEEL it, and you've gotta accept the fact that everything that you want isn't easy, but it's FAR from impossible. Just a matter of being hungry for it. So if you WANT it, you go get it! There are no butlers in your mind that are going to bring it to you, you've got to snatch it from the world around you. If you've had enough, if you're truly willing to work this and stop wrapping yourself up in a candy coated world where misery is your best friend and being alone all the time is ok, then you let me know. And I'll snap you out of your 'trance' once and for all, and show you how to rise ABOVE all of this emotional quicksand. I can do it, Gavin. I'll teach you everything that you need to know, and when we're through here, your life will be so radically different that you will be amazed at how much of the 'magic' goes to waste every single day in the people around you. It'll make you sick. You want magic...then give me three weeks. Just three weeks, every single day, you and me. After that, your level of thinking will be strong enough, open enough, and challenging enough...for me to teach you the really cool shit!" He grinned wickedly.

I asked..."Cool shit...l-l-like what?" Gideon's smile got even wider, and I watched in complete shock as his eyes began to turn entirely white, flashing with small sparks of electricity. The shocks grew outside of his eyes and little pops and static shocks could be heard in the air around him. It was only a brief second or two, but long enough for me to know it wasn't just my eyes playing tricks on me.

Then Gideon moved closer to me, his eyes back to normal, and whispered, "We'll save that for later my friend. You just concentrate on your 'initiation' first. THEN we work on the 'parlor tricks'. Your mind isn't ready to accept what I have to show you just yet. But it will be if you work with me. Do we have a deal?"

Something inside of me made me feel better than I had felt in a long long time. Almost as though I were blessed with 100 times more determination than I had when I saw those kids in the mall that day. The one time when I wanted to be better, to change. And Gideon was right. I wanted it, but never believed it, and that's why it never lasted. That's why the fire never burned hot enough to force me to act on it. I think that out of all of his theories and mindbenders, that was one of the first ones that I had really caught onto. The first of many more to come. I wanted this. I NEEDED this. And as I felt his hand leave my shoulder, I realized that I was still standing proudly in the center of my room. On my own without a wall or a desk or another person to lean on. Just me, and the will to put an end to these tears once and for all. It was a feeling like being angry, but not quite. This was focused, this was inspiring. I was angry with myself, but it wasn't self pity. It was more like yelling at my own soul the way Gideon had been yelling at me. This has got to stop, right now. No more bullshit! No more tears! No more hiding! I have had enough...and things are GOING to change!

Gideon flashed me one more smile before leaving and said, "My my my...I do believe I've made contact."

"Just tell me what you want me to do, and I'll be there." I said, a soldier's arc in my back as I felt a certain sense of pride flood into my bloodstream like an electrically charged adrenaline rush.

"Just be at the soccer field tomorrow. Two o'clock. Don't be late, and bring your drawings. We're going for a little walk, and I'll begin your initiation. You have the desire to learn, to challenge yourself, to grow...and that, Gavin, can be the hardest test to pass. I'll see you then?"

"I'll be there." I said.

"Oh, and one more thing..." Gideon pointed at my sketchbook, even thought it was closed, and said, "Finish the third drawing. Don't half ass me on this one. K? Consider this an extention."

"I will. I'll have it tomorrow. Promise." Before he left, he somehow was able to guess what I had written on the back of my favorite drawing. More than anything, I wanted Joshua Roth to love me, but that was being a bit overambitious. Besides, if I ever get his attention, I would hope that he liked what he saw. So I started with something just as hard to achieve, but a bit simpler than the affection of the godlike boy that I've been falling for since day one.

Gideon spoke the word outloud. "Popularity. Hmm? What is it with you guys and this particular request, anyway? Ah well...we'll start on it tomorrow. It's not as hard as you think, you know? People in general aren't as 'scary' as they appear from a distance. Especially if you just walk up and say hello."

"Easier said than done." I said under my breath.

"The only gap between 'said' and 'done', Gavin, is the one you make by not giving it a shot. Keep that in mind when we go out tomorrow, got it?" Gideon smiled, walking behind me and towards my door.

"Ok..." I said. And I turned to say thank you...but he was already gone. Again, not a trace. But he would be there when I needed to find him, I was sure of that. For the first time...tomorrow was something to look forward to. Little changes...that's all improvement is...little changes in my life. What will I start with? What indeed? I sat down at my desk, a strange feeling of excitement circulating through me so rapidly that I was almost trembling, smiling to myself and feeling silly. And yet...I didn't care. I flipped my sketchbook cover back, and took a pencil in my hand. The first line is the hardest...but wherever it lead me, I'd know that this drawing was going to be the best one yet. And if this was only the beginning...God only knows how far Gideon can take me.