Blue, Brownie, and Wedding White - 1. Blue, Brownie, and Wedding White

Buzzz! Buzzz! Buzzz!
The buzzer for Bradley’s alarm clock pierced the silence, and he blindly felt for the button to kill the noise.
“Too damn early,” he mumbled as he grabbed his glasses and slid them on. He hurried to the bathroom to pee, wash his face, and brush his teeth. He was on automatic pilot, just going about his normal routine. “I need to get a haircut,” he mumbled as he pushed his hair out of his eyes.
Bradley stumbled to the kitchen and started his Keurig before pouring himself a bowl of corn flakes. He yawned and scratched his face, waiting for the machine to finally finish brewing, what he considered, a life-giving cup of coffee. He’d spent the night lost in the newest King novel, finally climbing into bed around two am. He poured some milk into his coffee, and was about to sit down, when his doorbell rang. He set the mug on his kitchen table and glared at the front of the house.
“Who could want me at this hour?” Bradley pinched the bridge of his nose and wandered to the front door. He opened it, and it took a moment for him to realize no one was there. He began to close the door when his sleep addled mind realized something was wrong.
Pulling the door wide open, Bradley discovered the roads in front of his house were gone. Instead of the flow of traffic, he found a park, or maybe a forest, starting at the edge of his yard. He could clearly see the elms, oaks, cherry trees, and more where three streets should merge in front of his house. The trees were barely lit as the sun rose into the sky.
“This has to be a dream.” Bradley shook his head and was about to close the door when he heard a high pitched whistle. Pausing to look around, he spotted a small pink and violet ball, barely larger than a golf ball, shoot out of the park, hurtling at incredible speed across his yard, and fly right past his ear.
“What the hell was that?” Bradley turned quickly and looked into his hallway. He found the ball sliding around on his hardwood floor, going from the hall into his open living room, finally coming to a halt under his glass coffee table.
As he watched in amazement, the ball slowly split open like an egg and a fully formed man stood up. The man stood all of six inches high, was a deep indigo color, and totally nude.
“I really need to wake up,” Bradley muttered as he rubbed his eyes and then slapped his own cheek.
“Funny way to greet a guest,” came a deep rich voice from the figure on the floor. He stood with his arms crossed watching every move Bradley made.
“Guest?” Bradley squeaked as he took a sudden step back, and hit his front door, knocking it closed.
Click. There was a flash of light and then silence.
“Finally,” said the same rich voice as the figure walked toward Bradley, growing rapidly to over six feet tall. “I was beginning to wonder if you were ever going to close that door. Did you grow up in a barn or something?”
Bradley sat against his door, unsure what was going on. He shoved his glasses back up his nose and ran his hand through his hair. This had to be a nightmare, was what he kept repeating to himself.
“Hey, do you mind if I borrow something to wear? These New England springs are murder on a Fairy’s body.” The fairy simply ran his hand down his sides, and rubbed his flat stomach, before he turned and headed down the hallway.
“Fairy?” Bradley looked up in time to see the perfectly formed blue globes of the six foot Fairy’s ass bounce down the hall toward his bedroom.
“Well, you didn’t think I was a troll? Those suckers are all rocky and don’t like light. And if I was a brownie,” he paused, sniffed the air, and wrinkled his nose as he stopped outside the master bedroom. “Ewww. I’d do laundry because your dirty clothes smell like you played for a week in horse manure. You were born in a barn, weren’t you?” The fairy disappeared into the bedroom.
Bradley slowly stood up and made his way back to the kitchen. He picked up his mug and took a large swig of his barely warm coffee. “I’m losing my mind.” He glanced down the hall and pulled out a chair.
Bradley had just taken a seat when the fairy came striding into the kitchen.
“You have no taste in clothes. You must own everything in fifty shades of grey or tan. Your wardrobe would make a blind cyclops cry.” The fairy stood, ripping the sleeves off of Bradley’s best dress shirt. He was also wearing Bradley’s sweat pants and sandals.
“Why are you here?” Bradley slowly set his mug down and tried not to stare at the blue six pack with indigo treasure trail standing before him.
“Why else would I be here?” The fairy shimmied into the tight dress shirt but left it unbuttoned as he focused on Bradley. There was an obscene lump in the grey sweatpants and they seemed to be stretched near to the breaking point,
“I don’t know. Why would a giant Fairy come flying into my house?” Bradley tried hard not to follow where that trail of hair led.
“Because someone has to get the damn groom ready for the wedding!” The fairy smiled as Bradley passed out onto the floor.

Bradley woke up on the couch. He was used to dreams of a much more amorous nature, not the weird kind involving a giant blue fairy. He reached up to adjust his glasses and realized he wasn’t wearing them. He looked over to find them sitting on the coffee table.
“A dream. That’s it. I was just having a weird dream,” he muttered as he sat up and grabbed his glasses. He turned to find the fairy sitting at his kitchen table, eating his cereal, and talking to three small figures standing on the table with their backs to him, all dressed in brown with little beige caps shaped like a mushroom.
“I know he is a slob, but I have enough to do with him. Can you three just clean up his mess?”
Bradley blushed. His house was clean except for his laundry and his master bathroom. Everything else was done.
“You’re exaggerating. We looked around and there is barely enough for one of us to clean up!” The middle figure spoke with a deep brogue.
“That’s a lie! His bedroom smells like barn.” The fairy dropped the spoon back into the bowl, splashing milk onto the table.
“He just needs laundry done,” said the figure on the left as he stamped his little foot.
“He keeps his kitchen clean. Even his icebox has no expired food. The only problem I see is he hasn’t any cream,” commented the female figure on the right.
“You seem to be making a bigger mess than he does,” growled the middle one as he walked over and began to clean up the spill.
“Listen here, I’ve got to get barn boy ready for his wedding. I’m not a damn genie or a jinn, just a fabulous fairy from the winter court.”
The three figures froze and stared at the Fairy.
“Um, is that supposed to mean something?” Bradley shoved his glasses back up his nose as he entered the kitchen.
The fairy smiled widely as the three figures literally vanished from sight.
“Is what supposed to mean something, barn boy?” The fairy picked up the spoon and continued to finish Bradley’s bowl of cereal.
“First off, if you are going eat my food and try to do things without my permission, then you better call me by my name, which is Bradley. For you, make that Mr. Mac Gibnes. Secondly, what were those creatures?”
“First Bradders, I’ll call you what I like ‘til you’re married. And were you referring to your new house brownies?”
“I’m going to kill the fairy,” came a brogue from the counter.
Bradley looked but couldn’t see anyone.
“Once you’ve seen them, they’ll work for you, but you might not see much of them. They’ll keep your house spotless, clean your barnyard clothing, and even cook. All you need to do is keep a bowl of cream around and don’t nag them.” The fairy sat back and smiled.
“Bloody ‘ell. If you are giving him the rules, do it right!” There was a small pop and a brownie stood, staring daggers at the fairy. Eventually, he turned and faced Bradley. “Mr. Bradley, Sir, you’ve gained three house brownies. For our services, you are required to pour out a bowl of cream a day. For meals we do like to know your likes, dislikes, and allergies. We will do the cleaning and all repair work. The only rule is, you can’t tell anyone, but your family, about us.”
“You forgot to tell him,” came a female voice, followed by her becoming visible on the table in front of Bradley. “Fae don’t count. If you are getting married to a Fae or tell anyone who is Fae, it doesn’t affect us being here.”
“And don’t leave us clothes or gifts!” The final brownie appeared beside the empty bowl and looked at the fairy. “Clothes or a gift mean you no longer need us, so we’ll leave. That’s Ogden on the counter, she’s Mariah, and I’m Braun. Oh, and the fairy is called Puck.”
“Hey!” yelled Puck as he stood up. “He’s not supposed to get my name.”
The brownies turned and stuck their tongues out, then vanished again.
Bradley folded his arms on the table and rested his head on them. “I’m so going to need more coffee.”
The words were barely spoken when his cup floated toward the sink, washed itself, filled with clean water, which was then dumped into the water reserve of the Keurig, and slid into place as the coffee began to pour into it.
“Look, Brrr--”
“Puck, just stop. I need coffee before you fill me in.” Bradley stared at Puck and then where he had last seen the brownies. “I’m so going to need a vacation. I’ve been working too much.”
“Work? You work? Me. I’m the one—" Puck was building up a head of steam.
“Shut up, Puck!” Bradley growled and then winced.
Puck stood up, grabbed the chair, swung it around so it was now backwards, and slammed it onto the floor. He sat back down and stared at Bradley.
Bradley glared across the table before he noticed the aroma of coffee coming from his cup. The cup had appeared at his side while Puck had flipped his chair around. “Coffee, thank god.”
Bradley took a deep drink and then stared at Puck. “Okay, so who the hell am I supposed to marry?”
“Why the king of course.” Puck smiled widely, showing his gleaming white teeth.
“Naturally,” muttered Bradley as he slipped off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. He set the glasses down and glanced at Puck. “I’m sure he’s sexy and wants my body,” Bradley said sarcastically.
“Don’t worry, tall, pale, and boring. I’ll have you ready and dressed in style for your wedding tomorrow.”
“Seeing how you arrived naked, I can see you putting me in a white jockstrap and nothing else.”
Puck smiled and then laughed. “I don’t think the king would enjoy everyone getting to see your dangly bits, never mind that ass of yours.”
Bradley nodded, stood up, walked to the couch, and promptly face planted into it.
“The boy has no stamina.” Puck walked over to the couch and looked down at Bradley. “Hmm. However, the boy does have a nice ass, doesn’t he?” Puck glanced toward the kitchen where the brownies were cleaning up the coffee mug already. Puck sighed loudly. “The king has all the fun.”

Bradley woke again and shook his head. He found Puck sitting in a chair near the bookcase reading the collected works of Hans Christian Andersen.
“Is that really how they think a mermaid acts? This is worse than that hack playwright. Midsummer my blue behind.” Puck growled and kept flipping the pages.
“Please be careful. That was a gift.”
Puck looked over at Bradley, smiled, and closed the book. “Ah, finally awake. Do try to stay with me now. We’ve already lost the morning.”
Bradley sighed. “Look, you ate my breakfast, after invading my home. You’ve destroyed my best dress shirt while strutting around in my clothing, all while telling me I am getting married tomorrow. Before I deal with anything you have to say, I’m going to take a shower and change. Then, and only then, will I try to deal with whatever crap you are dragging me into.”
Puck laughed and set the book down. “Now listen, Bradders. I—"
“No!” Bradley shouted at Puck and stomped over to him. “Not one word. Do you understand?”
Puck nodded, trying not to laugh, and lifted his finger to his lip.
Bradley growled and stomped out of the living room.
Puck laughed loudly at Bradley’s retreating back.
As Bradley headed toward his bathroom he heard Ogden.
“Look, you big blue buffoon. If you don’t give him time, the boy will simply bounce your arse right out the door.”
“He can’t do that. The king would kill me,” Puck whined.
Bradley stripped and took the longest shower of his life. He started it as hot as he could stand it and stayed ‘til the water ran cold. He had spent the last year single, and the last chance he had to flirt was when he rented the house. Why did Puck have to be sexy and so goddamn annoying? What the hell was this king going to be like? How the hell did the king even know he was gay? He turned off the water and dried himself with one of his oversized bath towels, then wrapped it around his waist. He wiped the mirror off with his hand and stared at his own face.
“Still just me.”
Bradley shaved slowly and then couldn’t find a reason to stay in the steamy bathroom. He opened the door, listened carefully, but heard only silence. He crossed the hall and dropped his wet towel into his empty hamper. He quickly got dressed, slipping on the first things that came to hand. He dragged a comb through his hair.
“Where did I leave my glasses?”
Bradley checked the bathroom, but they weren’t there. He walked down the hall and spotted them on the kitchen table in front of Puck.
“Can we talk now?”
Bradley grabbed his glasses and put them on, then sat down.
“So what’s this about me marrying the king?”
Puck smiled. “You’re getting married in morning!”
“No, and no wedding bells are going to chime.”
Puck laughed. “I’m supposed to make the jokes, Brad.”
“Bradley, not Brad.”
Puck shrugged. “A rose is a rose. However, you get married tomorrow to the King of the Winter Court.”
Bradley gripped the edge of the table and tried to be calm. “First, I’ve never met him. Second, anyone I plan to marry, oh, I don’t know, well, I’d date them first. Third, I never agreed to any marriage.”
“Oh, but you have Bradders. How long ago did you move in?” Puck smiled again.
Bradley found he couldn’t look too long at Puck without getting painfully hard and being unable to focus. He found himself getting up to make coffee again while he thought. “Um, just over a year ago.”
“A year and two days to be exact. Don’t you remember meeting the owner of the house?”
Bradley swallowed hard. T. W. Court wasn’t the type of man he’d ever forget. Tall, dark, grey eyes, long black hair, and built like a god. Brad would never forget him, even though all he’d done was shake hands, and stare at him, while blindly signing the paperwork. Being extremely shy, he had a hard time dating and was still a virgin at twenty-four. Therefore, the man had been the star of his jerk off fantasies and dreams for the last year. “Oh, I remember Mr. Court.”
Puck laughed. “Bet you dreamed of him.”
Bradley blushed. He dreamed nightly for months about dating him, kissing him, and having marathon sexual escapades.
Puck sat back after seemingly pulling a stack of papers from mid-air. “Please read page seven, paragraph four and note the signature on it.”
Bradley picked up the papers and noticed it was a copy of the house sale. He flipped to page seven and went to paragraph four. It read –
The undersigned agrees to pay for a year for the house. The money will be used toward his dowry. If the undersigned lives in the house beyond a year, they agree to become the partner of The King of the Winter Court, which will be shortened to TW Court for the rest of this document. The undersigned will be given someone to instruct them in the ways of the court a day before the marriage. The undersigned has three hundred sixty three days to decline this offer. After a year all terms are non-negotiable. Failure to abide by this agreement dictates the reversal of all property, luck, youth, and sex drive to be immediately given to TW Court.
Signed – Bradley Mac Gibnes
Bradley stared at the document. He’d never read it; he’d been too busy drooling. If he refused now, he would lose the house. How could he lose luck, youth, and his sex drive?
Puck waited until Bradley looked at him before he spoke. “His majesty is a little vindictive. He’ll take all your luck. You know, even that bit that makes you breathe and slow down so you don’t fall on the icy sidewalk in the winter? Or that bit of luck finding a dime on the floor, allowing you to pay cash instead of using your credit card? Yeah all of it.”
“But?”
Puck continued on, staring at Bradley. “You humans live short lives, but his majesty figures he should only take the productive years.”
Bradley didn’t know what to think until Puck pointed at the mirror that had appeared on the table. As he reached for it he noticed the arthritic fingers, age spots, and wrinkles. When he finally was able to see his face, he barely recognized himself. His skin sagged, his eyes looked jaundiced, and his hair was nearly all gone, but what little remained was snow white.
“I think he took forty or fifty years or so. Oh and your sex drive. I wouldn’t check the pants if I were you.”
Bradley couldn’t help but look. It took him forever to open his pants. His hands cramped and the button seemed determined to stay shut. Eventually he got them open and stared down in shock. Before, he felt he was average with some low hanging balls, but now his balls were the size of two raisins and he was afraid he’d never find his poor dick again, even to hold to pee. He’d heard of guys joking about aging and it hiding like a turtle, but this was ridiculous.
“Like I said, he’d take your sex drive. So, do I need to get you ready or can I go home?”
“Fuck…you…Puck,” Bradley wheezed out.
“Nope. Sorry. You’re a bit too old for me.” Puck giggled.
“I’ll marry him.”
The words were barely said before Bradley was back to normal.
“Oh well. No hair off my satyr.” Puck shrugged and sat back.
The papers glowed and suddenly flipped to the last page.
“I was getting to that,” muttered Puck as he picked up the contract and read the final paragraph.
The undersigned is promised two hundred years of love and protection. They will be given a home, clothing, and near immortality. However, any children born of this marriage will remain with the king should the undersigned decide to separate after this period of time, so that the Winter Court shall continue.
“Hold on. I’m a guy and I’m assuming the King is a guy, right?” Bradley stared at Puck.
“Yes. And?”
“How does that work?”
Puck smirked. “See, when two people love each other, or are just really horny, they will go to bed and…”
“I know that part!” Bradley blushed a deep crimson.
“Well, the rest literally is magic.”
Bradley crossed his arms and rested his head on his arms. “I’m doomed.”
“No, you’re not. You’re going to get married, taken to your honeymoon suite, and then…” Puck smiled widely as he paused.
Bradley’s head snapped up. “Don’t you say a word!” Bradley’s eyes narrowed and he stared at Puck.
Puck raised his hands in the air. ”Medusa’s milk wouldn’t let me say a word.”

Bradley had spent the night learning who everyone in the court was, what to call them, how to bow, what to eat, what to avoid, and how he was to act during the ceremony.
“And you’re sure the Queen Snow is fine with the king marrying me?” Bradley was having a hard time seeing how the woman would allow the king to marry him.
“It’s a title, Bradders. If it helps you, consider them brother and sister. Besides, she is a little busy with the men in her boudoir.” Puck rolled his eyes and his face went two shades darker. “You never heard that from me.”
Bradley just shook his head. “So, what am I waiting on?”
“Genie.”
“Who is that?” Bradley paused to look at Puck.
“Genie is a genie. She’s a real sweet girl. Nothing like her brother Jinn, thank the Green Man.”
Bradley couldn’t keep up. He drank the coffee that Mariah brought him. It was shortly followed by a pile of pancakes and sausage carried to him by Braun. Bradley focused on the food, trying to ignore the panic that was clawing at him.
Knock, knock, knock.
“Must be Genie. I’ll get it.”
Puck opened the door and in walked a short business executive. She was maybe five foot four with a pixie cut, grey business suit, pink dress shirt, and a pink and grey checkered tie. “Oh, brother. Puck, why did it have to be you?” She crossed her arms and stared at Puck, who towered over her.
“Cause who else loves you like I do?” Puck leaned down to kiss her and she turned her cheek.
Genie spotted Bradley and walked over to him. “Hi. I’m Genie. I’ll get you ready in a few moments. Any questions before I start?”
“I have two. One, why me? Two, this isn’t a wedding dress is it?”
Genie giggled. “Um, I’m guessing you were sexy, smart, and yet stupid enough to move into the king’s portal house. Secondly, I don’t think you’d do drag well.”
Bradley blushed.
“Bradders might look good in dress,” Puck said as he raised an eyebrow up and down.
Genie turned to Puck and whispered, “And you might look good as a dung beetle.”
Puck stomped off and took a seat in the living room.
“Now, let me see. You aren’t one for frills.” Genie walked around Bradley and then looked at his home. “And no family either.”
“How did you know?”
Genie shrugged. “No pictures of parents, siblings, children, or anyone. No pets either. So, single and I’m going for orphan.”
Bradley just nodded.
“No worries, honey. You’re marrying into one big messed up family. Just look for the good ones. Now hold still.”
Genie crossed her arms and nodded.
Bradley’s pajamas turned into a silk suit. It was soft, white, and showed off all the right details. Genie then created three mirrors so Bradley could see himself.
Puck took one look and gave Bradley a wolf whistle. “Damn. You are cute.”
Genie turned and glared at Puck. “It’s time.”
“Alright, I’ll get him there.”
“Good luck, Bradley. I know this isn’t how you expected your life to be, but take it from a genie, there’s a lot of magic ahead for you.”
Puck stood next to Bradley in the same clothes he’d borrowed yesterday.
Genie sighed, crossed her arms and nodded at Puck. His clothing became a fitted tux in dark blue.
“Thanks, Genie.” Puck picked a rose out of midair and used it as a boutonniere.
“Just get him to his wedding on time!” Shouted Genie.
Puck reached out and a blue bubble surrounded Puck and Bradley, shrank, and zipped out into the woods just as Genie vanished and the house faded from existence.