Kiss Me. Love Me. Hurt Me. - 3. Chapter 3

I finally came to my senses and pushed him away. “I can’t do this.”

“It certainly seems like you can.” said Zeke. Our lips touched again, but I pushed him off.

“Zeke, stop it. I’m with Jesse. I LOVE Jesse.”

“Who are you trying to convince; me or yourself?”

I didn’t know the answer to that. I didn’t know if I wanted to know the answer to that.

“I have to go.”

I rushed out of the shower and into the locker. I changed out of my Speedo and into my clothes. I ran into the parking lot and got into my dad’s car.

I punched the wheel a few times in frustration. What was this that I was feeling? I love Jesse so much. That wasn’t a lie. But I could actually be feeling something real for Zeke as well and the kiss proved it. I felt something during that kiss. I felt something, but it wasn’t the same as what I felt when I kissed Jesse.

I turned on the car and drove, but I didn’t drive home. I drove to the hill by Jackson Pond. The sun was about to go down. I sat on the hill watching the sun.

I couldn’t focus on one thought. My mind was racing so fast that I could barely breathe. I was so angry that I wanted to rip the hair right out of my head.

My cell phone vibrated in my pocket, but I turned it off. I couldn’t talk to anyone right now. The sun slowly went down and I sat. One moment I would be thinking of Zeke and the other, I would be thinking of Jesse. Before coming to Montana, I didn’t have one guy, now I have two. This shit is fucked up.

I watched as the stars came out and the moon got brighter. Then, I saw headlights in the distance. The headlights turned off and instead of blinding me, they let me see who it was. It was Jesse. I started to shake. What should I tell him? I couldn’t tell him the truth. I loved him too much to do that. Pretty soon, he sat beside me on the hill.

“I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” he said. “It finally hit me that you might be here.” He put his arm around me. I fell into his embrace. “What’s wrong?”

“I guess the situation with my mom is getting to me more than I thought.” I lied. I didn’t know that I could lie so well.

“I told you that you need to stop thinking about this. You’re mom is not worth your energy if she’s not going accept you.”

“Let’s just drop it okay? Can you just hold me?” I asked. I didn’t want to talk anymore. I didn’t want to lie anymore.

Jesse held me tighter. I rested my head and his shoulder and he rested his head on top of mine. At that moment, I couldn’t think of anywhere else to be. This helped me figure out that what happened with Zeke was only attraction. What I had with Jesse was real. I could feel it throughout my entire body.

“I love you,” I said.

“I love you too.” said Jesse. He sighed. “You missed dinner. I’ll take you to the diner and get you a burger.”

“I’m not hungry. If it’s okay, can we just stay like this?”

“You won’t hear any arguments from me.” said Jesse.

* * *

The one person that I knew I could talk to about everything that was happening with me was Chloe. She and I had become fast friends since the day in the coffee shop.

I asked her for coffee the next day after school. We had coffee at the diner because she didn’t want to take the chance of getting sucked into working if we went to Mr. Grinds.

“So, this must be serious if Jesse isn’t here.” said Chloe.

“I need your help.” I said. “I think I’m about to have an affair.”

“What?! With who?” she asked widening her eyes.

I put on a guilty face on. “Zeke”

“Zeke! As in the person that Jesse is always afraid will take you away from him?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“You’re not the only one I have personal chats with, Jamie.”

“Jesse told you that he’s afraid that Zeke will take me away from him?”

“Yeah, he has.”

I put my hand on my forehead and shook my head. “Great, I can’t believe that this is happening.”

“Alright, start from the beginning.” said Chloe.

“I guess, I’ve always kind of been attracted to Zeke. But yesterday…we were in the showers after swim practice and…”

“And what?” asked Chloe.

“We kissed” I admitted.

“And?”

“And I liked it. I liked it a lot.”

“I don’t get it. I thought you loved Jesse.”

“I do love Jesse. I love Jesse. But…I just find myself extremely attracted to Zeke and I don’t know what to do. If I keep it a secret it can always blow up in my face later, but…if I tell Jesse about the kiss, then I might loose him anyway.”

“Well, if you keep it a secret, it’s a given that you’ll loose Jesse. But if you’re honest with him and tell him that the kiss didn’t mean anything, then he might still want you.”

“You don’t understand, Chloe. Jesse is the most jealous person in the world. If I tell him that Zeke kissed me, he’ll kill Zeke, but if I tell him that I actually liked he, his heart will be broken. He won’t speak to me again.”

“I don’t know, Jamie. He loves you. It’s not like he hides it very well. You can see it in his eyes and in yours. I know you love him and I know that he loves you so I think that you should just be honest with him.”

* * *

I got home to the ranch and Jesse was gone. I looked all over the ranch including the tree house. He was no where to be found. I went out to where Anderson was working.

“He went to his mother’s in Connecticut for the weekend.” said Anderson. “He’ll be back.”

Jesse left without telling me or even saying goodbye? That wasn’t like him. Something was definitely up. I called his cell phone, but there was no answer. I left a message, but didn’t expect my call to be returned.

I walked to my room. Timmy was in there. He was sitting on his bed shaking his leg impatiently. He shot up as soon as I walked in.

“Where have you been?” he asked me. He handed me and envelope. “This is from Jesse. He told me to give it to you. I’ve been on edge the entire time. What’s it say?”

I slowly opened the letter. My hand shook the entire time. It read:

To My Sweet Jamie:

I’m sorry that I didn’t say goodbye to you before I left. I just couldn’t. I didn’t know what I would say to you. It’s easier for me to just say it here in this letter.

The first thing that I want you to know is that I love you and I think I always will. That’s why this is so hard.

I saw you kissing Zeke. I went to the locker room to see if you wanted to get something to eat after practice and found you and Zeke there. I don’t really know what the situation is with you two and I’m not entirely sure that I want to know.

You might ask, why didn’t I say anything that night at Jackson pond? Well, I guess I wanted just one more night before I left. I also wanted to see if you would tell me yourself, but you didn’t. So, I’ve decided to live with my mom for a while. I’ve gone on independent study so I won’t fall back in school.

I don’t know how long I will be so don’t try calling to ask. Don’t try calling for anything. I just need some time to think. And don’t worry, I will tell my mom and stepdad everything. I know how you are when it comes to that.

So, once again, I love you and I hope that you still love me. With all my heart,

Jesse

I could feel the tears stroll down my face. My heart was pounding out of my chest.

“What’s it say?”

“I think he broke up with me.”

“What? Why?” asked Timmy.

“I kind of kissed another guy.” I said.

“You’re such a fucking idiot.” Timmy sighed. “I can’t believe you’re making me say this again, but you’re being a douche. Jesse is like the best thing to ever happen to you and you go and kiss someone else. How dumb can you be?”

“Not now Timmy. I have to go.” I somberly walked out of the room. I walked over to Jesse’s door. I looked at the sign on it that said ‘Jesse’s Room’. I slowly opened the door and walked in. I’d never seen his room so empty.

I walked around for a while before stopping at his couch. The couch where we’d spent many hours cuddling and making out. We’d even had sex a few times on that couch.

I sat down and stared around the room. Then, I lay across the couch, gazing into space. I don’t think I had ever been as sad; not even over my mother. Jesse was gone. My love was gone.