The Wardrobe - 3. Crocodile

Crocodile

Ilja

A fine scratch runs across my forearm. It's just short of six centimetres long, and if you look really closely, you can see tiny scab dots on it. That was the cat Tamara. I call her cat because it fits her. I'm the crocodile. No one calls me that, but I think I am one.

To think of people as animals helps me deal with them. I don't even have to make an effort of any sort to assign animals to them. It just happens automatically. Tamara is a cat because she purrs and mews when she speaks, and because she moves gracefully. I'm a crocodile because I'm inconspicuous. Like camouflaged, somehow. Most of the time I'm just floating and watching. But if I have a goal, a target, then I'm really quick and forceful in reaching it. Though I haven't had many goals yet.

Tamara's been my friend, or something, since elementary. We're still in the same class now, but we don't really pay attention to each other at school. We just ride the same bus to school and back and do our homework together sometimes. Our mothers are closer than we are. She has her people and I have mine. It's probably because we're not into the same things. Also, she doesn't seem to like me very much. She usually makes fun of me and gossips about me at school. On our last bus ride home she pretended to hit on me or something, and just grabbed my arm. When I tried to pull it back she dug her fingers in and scratched me.

"She fancies you," says Mirko with raised eyebrows. He's my best mate, even though we don't have a lot in common either. I just like him.

We're sitting on the backrest of a bench in front of the school and are waiting for the others. I just told him the story of the scratch.

"Rubbish. She's just being a pest." I grin. Mirko seems very serious.

"She's always teasing you. It's so obvious. That she's into you."

"Blah."

The whole day Mirko stays serious and doesn't talk much. In P.E. in the last double period he even gets mad, because I'm being a little ruthless.

"Hello?! This is Badminton, not war!" He picks up the ball for the umpteenth time and marches up to the net. There aren't many students there today, because the seventh and eighth periods aren't particularly popular among them. We're only twelve and have two gym halls to ourselves. Four pairs are playing here in the large hall and two in the smaller one. The field behind me is used by Tamara and Pinar. Since we're so few it's relatively quiet. Mirko waves me over to the net with an annoyed look.

"Tamara can't even see you, she has her back to you. So you don't have to burn yourself out right now."

It takes me a few seconds before I can reply to that. The comment embarrasses me a bit. I hadn't even thought of Tamara. I just like sports, and he knows that.

"Uhm. Bullshit. I'm not burning myself out. You're just rubbish at Badminton." That was meant as a joke, although it's the truth. Today he's even worse than usual. But he only rolls his eyes.

"I know that, thanks. Could you let me get the ball once in a while, anyway?" He sounds very pissed when he says that, and walks back to his spot. Before his serve he gives me an impatient Alright-now?-look. I nod and play a little nicer.

--

"D'you wanna hang out? Or do you have to get home now?"

I would have loved to go home to shower and eat, but I get the strange feeling that Mirko has some serious problem. He looks so worried. And he's looking at the ground a lot.

"Sure, if I can shower first."

"Then hurry up. Catch your bus." He points at the bus stop, where Tamara is standing. We both glance in that direction as she's lighting a cigarette.

"Can't I shower at your house? That would be faster."

Something happens to his face.

"Uhm. Well, if that's not-"

"Sure, of course!"

"But you look very shocked."

"Hehe." Now he gives me a false grin that I just don't buy.

Mirko's mum is a 100% housewife. That's why there's always lunch when he comes home from school. And she cooks almost only Asian stuff, because she's from Thailand. She kind of likes me and doesn't seem to mind that Mirko brings me without asking first. Mirko gets to do a lot of things. He also has his own flatscreen TV, a PS2 and a Wii. That's what we spend most of our time with when we're there. I just have my computer. A good one, mind you, but I don't have any gaming consoles.

Mirko lets me shower first. While he's in the bathroom I'm playing a bit of Dark Alliance. He has only Fantasy games.

"Dude, did you shower cold?! I had hot water for half an eternity!"

"You really took your sweet time, wimp." I grin. I'm relieved to see he seems to be in a better mood as well.

"Shut up."

I pause the game, because he passes in front of the TV screen a few times while getting dressed.

"You doing that to distract me?"

"Yes." He winks. "What about Tamara?"

"Grunt. She doesn't want anything from me. I don't want anything from her!"

"Sure?"

"Yes! Please, take her, I'm not interested!"

Suddenly he starts laughing.

"Good! Let's play."

Mirko is a small otter, by the way. An Asian otter, appropriately. Everyone likes him, he plays a lot and is funny most of the time, and to top it off, he looks really good. Just like everyone starts squealing "How cuute!" when they're watching otters at the zoo, almost all the girls love Mirko's face and his fun attitude, and think he's cute. The way girls are.

That's why I didn't have any doubts that it wouldn't take him long to get Tamara. But somehow that never happened. I'm reminded of that when we're in his room one day, beating up skeletons, because his miniskirted elf looks a bit like her.

"So what about Tamara?"

"Huh?"

"You didn't try anything with her."

"Huh?!" He pauses the game, just when my spell was supposed to annihilate everything, and looks at me weirdly. "What am I supposed to try with Tamara?!"

"Erm. That thing you do with women."

He's still looking strangely in my direction. With his tilted head. After a strange silence he says sharply: "I'm not interested in Tamara."

"But weren't you jealous, when you thou-" Suddenly it crashes and flashes on the screen as my spell is thundering down on the undead. I jump a little and am ignored from now on.

Until roughly half an hour has passed – we're good at silence – and I'm killing my mage by way of being dumb.

"Lazarus!"

"Sorry!"

My name is Ilja, not Lazarus, but someone found it hilarious once to call me that, because my last name starts with La and my first name is Russian. No one gets the joke, but that doesn't matter. It's been my nickname for years now, nobody has to know how retarded its origin was.

"Lazarus! Nooo! Aaah!" Shouting like a dumbass, Mirko lets his elf dash through the undead and jump into the abyss after my character. I'm laughing almost as loudly as he's yelling, as he throws away his controller and lets himself fall sideways towards me with his arms thrown up.

"Lazarus! Wait! I'll save you!"

"Haha, what are you doing, we didn't save!"

"Ultimate suicide!"

I catch him before he lands on me and push him upright again. With a more serious expression he clears his throat.

"Harrum. That was stupid."

"I know, sorry!"

"You should have just stayed invisible, then nothing would have happened to you." He says that softly with a sigh, while staring at me seriously. And while tucking my hair behind my ears!

"Looks good. Let it grow longer."

What the hell?!

He clears his throat again and picks up his controller. "We have to play through the whole tomb from the beginning now. But this time we'll save."

"Sure. So your elf can jump to her death after her beloved Lazarus anytime."

"Exactly." He grins. I'm watching him very closely now. At least until he's restarted the level.

Sometimes Mirko is in a bad mood, just when I talk about the cat. Since her scratch I've noticed that, and now I'm just paying attention to it. Actually, I don't even want to notice things like that, so I don't talk much about them anymore when I'm alone with him. Which doesn't happen as much anymore, by the way. I don't want him to become odd in my eyes because he gets weird mood swings, so I've dived into familiar waters. Now we hang out with our friends more. Normally I hate being around too many people at a time, but that's still better than having to deal with one unpredictable otter.

Really, it's much easier. To sit around with just him somewhere for hours without speaking, or to wander through the city with him at night is much cooler, but this way it's easier.

The lynx Biermann has just left us. Now Mirko and I are sitting by ourselves in the skateground by the nightly park and use up the weed he has left us. During the afternoon he has yet again shown off his prey cat reflexes and has subsequently pulled a girl. I feel a little sorry for the girls who keep falling for him, but they have to make their own choices. As long as the tomcat's excellent mood makes him share his leftover drugs with me whenever he scores, he can keep doing it.

"Mirko. Ever had a girlfriend?"

He turns on his back and puts an arm behind his head. After a long, peaceful drag he hands me the joint.

"No, my friend."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not interested in women."

"Ah. Okay." I have to scratch my head. The otter isn't interested in women, fancy that. "Then, ever had a boyfriend?"

"You mean, did I ever fuck a guy? No."

Suddenly we have to laugh.

"Why not? Ah shit."

He looks at me and laughs.

"Hehe, they're all not gay, somehow."

"Haha, that's sad."

"Haha, yeah."

Suddenly he's not an otter anymore, but an elephant, who is looking sadly through the bars of his compound into the sky and doesn't know where the rest of his kind are.

"Yeah. That is sad." I lie down next to him and hand him the joint.

Well, and now follows my first kiss with a boy. I am the initiator here, and I admit that I just want to try Mirko out. He's the prey that I'm rolling around at the bottom of the river to stuff into my storage hole by the bank before it's even completely dead.

As I kiss him, I feel guilty right away.

"Get off. Stop that." He pushes me away with his hands on my shoulders. We both sit up immediately. "What was the point of that?"

"Dunno."

"So, was it fun?"

"Yes. Sorry."

"Asshole." Snickering, he gives me the rest of the glowing stump.

--

Mirko

"Laarmann, Lorenz and Nassar!"

Lazarus, Sina and I are walking towards the three screens that have been put up along one wall of the gymnasium. All around them are those silver screens that photographers need for the lighting. Lazarus, of course, is moving as slowly as possible to the screen furthest away from us.

Most of us have just combed and gelled their hair in the changing room, and some of the girls, as I see, have even changed. Of course Lazarus has refused to touch his carefully tousled, messy hair, and claimed that his picture should at least be representative if it had to be taken so badly.

Not that I'd mind, I like his wild hair, he looks insanely good with it. And I think it's cute how reluctant he is. Did I just say that? Hehe.

Anyway, apparently our teacher doesn't think his hesitant slinking is worth watching.

"Come on, Ilja, we don't have all day!"

He shoots her an annoyed look and drops down on the stool with his hands in his pockets. It flashes once and his photographer shouts: "Yupp, that's it," and Lazarus gets up with casual boredom and joins Biermann who is sitting on one of those little benches.

All of a sudden several people are shouting my name at the same time and the photographer in front of me looks impatient.

"Hellooo! Wake up! You want me to speak Chinese so you can understand me?"

Asshole.

As I sit down between Biermann and Lazarus, both are grinning at me stupidly.

"So what distracted you, hm?" says Biermann.

I'm looking at my knees, so I can't see Lazarus' expression as he comments:

"Your photographer is such a wanker."

I nod. It feels good to hear that from him.

--

On the way to the bus stop he says: "Say, do you actually speak Thai – I mean whatever they speak in Thailand?"

I must have misheard, so I pull the buttons out of my ears. I just need to have music in my brain all the time, otherwise it doesn't work properly. Maybe I have ADD or something, but with music everything runs as smoothly as a German engine.

"Thailand?" I grin at him in surprise.

He stops and eyes me warily with his head tilted a bit, which looks really lovely.

"Yes...?"

I bop his shoulder with a fist. "My mum's from Taiwan, man! Taiwan!"

Now he looks terribly shocked.

"Oh! I'm sorry, I'm really sorry!" He puts a hand on my shoulder and apologises a few more times. And he's actually serious, because I know that he can't act or lie for shit, and that makes it all twice as funny. He feels really guilty for this mistake, but because I'm just cracking up at it he starts looking very sheepish and embarrassed.

"We used to speak a lot of Taiwanese when I was little, but so my mum could practice she wanted us to start speaking German at home."

He nods.

"I can make myself understood, but I'm not good at writing."

"Still, it's cool."

I wipe my earphones on my t-shirt and hand them over.

"Here. Taiwan."

Lazarus is making a really expectant face. Now he gets to hear S.H.E – candycoloured, sappy sweet girlpop from Taiwan.

No idea if he likes it, he's just grinning impishly. Sadly he doesn't have time to do more than that, because his bus is just arriving. It stops right next to us, he hangs the wires over my shoulder and we say goodbye by handclap.

"Skatepark?" I ask.

He nods. "Later, superjock."

"Haha. Hilarious!" I say unfunnily, as he gets his stupid grin into the bus.

Lazarus skates, plays football, basketball, is one of the better ones in P.E. (whereas I'm the lamest spaz you can imagine), and he even goes running for fun! As for me and my board, I can do a few tricks by now, but nothing wild. It's just not really my cup of tea. Usually I hit the park a little later than everyone else, when it's already getting dark and most of the action's over. Most of the others are leaving or only staying behind to hang out.

Now I guess you're wondering what I'm doing there at all.

Until recently Ilja and I always used to go to my house to play something. How it happened that now we're hanging out in this bloody park all the time is easy to recap. Ilja noticed something, when I got too cosy with him once when we were playing, and now he doesn't want to be alone with me anymore. Which I get, really. I don't like it, but I can understand it. At least it's plausible, I thought.

But that kiss last weekend really threw me off.

I have no idea what to think of him anymore.

Just in time for the sunset I arrive at the skatepark. This time I didn't bother bringing my alibi skateboard. Would have been ridiculous anyway. Some of the guys leaving the park are passing me on the way. Lazarus, Biermann and two others are sitting up on one of the two halfpipes. They see me, but with my mp3 player on I don't know if they're greeting me verbally. To be sure, I wave at them and pull my earphones out as soon as I reach them.

"-says something like 'Do I have to speak Chinese so you understand me?!'"

Obviously Biermann is regaling them with the picture day tale.

"Really? Your teacher didn't say anything?" one of the other guys asks.

"What for? Apparently she knows that Mandarin is the official language in Taiwan!" I flash them a fake grin and hope that it looked listless.

"Wha-?" says Ilja with his chin on the edge of his deck. He's frowning uncomprehendingly. He looks cute when he's being obtuse. But I make sure not to stare.

"You said something about Taiwanese," he complains. He sounds tired, and looks it, too.

"Do you want to hear a lecture about Taiwan's languages now?"

He shakes his head slowly. "So they speak Taiwanese and Chinese there."

"Taiwanese is a form of Chinese."

"... Then he didn't insult you after all," says Biermann and gapes at me in shock. Ilja and one of the others slap the back of his head at the same time. We laugh at him for a bit, until Ilja suddenly gets up with a demonstrative yawn, and looks down at me.

"Sorry. I know you just got here, but do you maybe want to come?"

"Come where?"

"Well, home." He shrugs. I look at the others. They're just looking at us. Watching us? They're too quiet for my liking.

"Uhm. Sure."

We're walking silently next to each other through the dark park. Without any kind of notice or announcement he takes a few unnecessary detours.

"Is it possible that those three just looked at us a bit oddly, when you asked me to come with you?"

"Ah, nah." He's looking at the ground. Where there's nothing to see, because it's dark. Then he stops. "Uhm. I don't know where to start."

I shrug, which he probably can't see in this gloom. He's just about to confess something to me, and I don't want to hear it. If he were to look in my direction, he could probably also not see how flipping scared I am right now.

He drops his board and puts a foot on it. With soft crunching noises from the gravel on the path he starts rolling it back and forth slowly, and sticks his hands into the frontpocket of his hoodie.

"I told them I kissed you. I wanted some kind of advice, I guess, but I didn't get any, obviously. Hehe."

"Don't laugh, you prick. What're you thinking, telling people about that?"

"Hey, those three are cool, or I would've kept it to myself. And I told them you didn't want anything from me anyway."

I think we're both nervous wrecks right now. I fist my pockets and wait.

"First I thought, but then. You were so, I dunno, uhm, how to say..." He makes a frustrated sound, "hmrach. Maybe I misunderstood you."

He doesn't continue.

"And you, I did not understand at all just now," I say.

He breathes out and that sounds frustrated again. Right now, I could sit at home in front of the TV, in peace, and not deal with this and everything would be fairly alright.

"At first I thought you liked me, but last week you pushed me away and didn't want me to kiss you, so I must have gotten it wrong before. That was too pushy, I'm sorry. Can you forget it?"

"Tse. I don't mind. You just can't blindside me like that."

"So... what does that mean?" He has stopped nudging his board around.

"It means that it was okay. And that you don't get to jump it on me like that." Now he's looking in my direction, and I think he's smiling, but I can't see his face very well.

"Should I've asked your permission first?"

I grin back. "That would have been nice. As my best friend you can't just, out of the blue, kiss me and expect me to sigh with joy and sink into your arms. ... Which I would've almost done."

"So..."

"So what?"

"I don't know. What now?"

Okay, so I have a major crush on him, but does he have to be this thick? I just practically told him everything, and he's just standing there like an idiot and gaping at his foot!

"Now comes the part where you say something. Something I can work with."

"Okay. Can I kiss you again?"