To See You - 6. Chapter 6

Chris had no idea what Jamie meant when he shouted, “Told me what?”

Chris rapidly realized he had put his foot in his mouth. He quickly tried to think of a way to get out of this situation without much trouble.

But he realized that he’d have to come out to his brother sooner or later and now was as good of time as any other. Chris also knew he could tell Jamie and that Jamie would fully understand him and accept him, without any problem.

“Umm, Jamie, I gotta tell you something,” Chris started to say.

‘Oh geez,’ Chris thought to himself, ‘Why couldn’t it be easier, why can’t Jamie just read my mind, so I wouldn’t have to say it out loud.’ He could feel Jamie staring at him, waiting for whatever he was going to say.

Chris took a deep breath and went on, “Well, here it goes. I’m gay.”

Even if he kind of already knew it, and that he knew that conversation would come up, Jamie had absolutely no idea how to respond. What could he say that would be appropriate in that moment? He decided that the best answer would be a non-verbal one, so he took his younger brother in his arms and embraced Chris in a long deep hug. Both brothers held each other silently for what seemed like an eternity until Jamie finally spoke.

“I’m so glad that you told me.” Jamie said.

“You don’t hate me?” Chris asked.

Jamie couldn’t believe Chris asked such a ridiculous question. “Look at me, were you seriously thinking that I could hate you? Especially for being gay? Me? Don’t you forget that I’m gay too?! Why would I hate you?”

Chris responded by hugging his brother even harder.

“Remember one thing Chris, you may be the biggest scum in the world and I’ll still be there for you. You can be on death row, I might not agree with what you’d had done, but I wouldn’t hate you and I’d be there for you. I’m your big brother that’s what I’m supposed to be there for.” Jamie completed.

After another minute or two, they broke up the hug.

Jamie remembered one tiny bitsy detail Chris had neglected to tell him. “Chris, so what uncatholic stuff have you done that Andrew would tell me about?”

Chris started to feel really bad and didn’t want to tell Jamie what he had done earlier with Andrew. But he decided that it would be best for him to tell him right away instead of letting Jamie find out later in a worse way. At least by telling him now, maybe he’d have enough time to convince him not to be mad at Andrew.

Chris started “Well, he started to question me, so I told him that I was gay, and one thing led to the other and well,we kinda both got horny.”

Jamie started to see where things were going, but still he wanted to hear all there was to know before making any judgment “Keep going.”

Chris really didn’t want to disappoint his big brother, especially after all he had just said to Chris. “Well, he made me admit that I’ve been looking at his pictures to jerk off. And then, he said that he wanted to see me, so I did. From then well, it just happened and we jerked off.”

Jamie didn’t know what to think about that. On one hand, he felt like he had been betrayed by both his brother and his boyfriend. Both of them were supposed to be the ones to have his back, to be there for him, helping him when needed, not hurting him. But, on the other hand, it’s just jerking off, that doesn’t mean so much, right. Countless number of guys have done a circle jerk session with friends after all, he thought to himself. Also, Jamie could just imagine Chris might have needed just that and that it’s better for him to experiment with Andrew than with the first guy he could find.

Seeing that Jamie wasn’t saying anything, Chris begged for forgiveness “Jamie, I’m so sorry, I didn’t exactly plan to do that with Andrew, I don’t know it just happen. We certainly didn’t plan it.” Chris was on the verge of crying by then and shrieked, “You hate us, don’t you? You hate me?”

As much as he wanted to forgive, Jamie just couldn’t find the power to say that it was alright and that it didn’t matter. In fact, he just couldn’t think of a good answer to give his brother. “I don’t hate you Chris”

“But you hate Andrew now because of me.” Chris stated.

Jamie kept his calm, or at least kept the appearance of calm and said “I don’t hate you Chris, and I don’t hate Andrew either. It’s just, well, I dunno exactly what to say. I just didn’t expect that. I guess, there’s nothing wrong with it really. I guess it’s normal.”

**

“You moron, what were you thinking?!?” Brendan said after Andrew had told him what he had done.

Andrew could only answer, “I dunno, it’s not that bad. I mean clearly Jamie will realize that there’s nothing more into it.”

Andrew was sitting in Brendan’s room. In fact, one could describe it as a little loft. The room was in fact the attic of the house. There was everything a teen could ever need there, a little living room area with a futon in front of a big t.v. packed with video games, a desk with a well equipped computer on it and of course a double sized bed.

Brendan wished he could share his friend’s optimism, but Brendan looked at the big picture and tried to be as unbiased as possible, it was an impossible task for him to be totally optimistic.

“Andrew, get into his shoes, what would you think if the roles were reversed? Would you be ‘bah, you can do that, that’s no biggie’?” Brendan inquired.

Andrew understood perfectly what Brendan was trying to tell him. He understood perfectly too well.

Without meaning it, Andrew raised his tone and was almost yelling at Brendan. “Do you think I don’t know that I screwed up? I know, what I did was way over the line.”

Brendan simply got closer to Andrew and looked at him helplessly. While Andrew was looking to calm down.

“What should I do?” Andrew miserably asked.

Brendan kindly answered. “Well, you should come clean to Jamie. You said that Chris can’t keep secrets, so really soon Jamie will know. You really gotta tell him before he tells you that he knows.”

“I really don’t want to lose him,” Andrew whined.

Brendan gently held him “I know, but you gotta do it. It can only help you if Jamie realized that you didn’t try to hide what happened after the fact.”

“Ya, I know. It will be alright. Jamie’s great,” Andrew said as he tried to cheer himself up. After pulling away from Brendan, he asked, “Say, can I log onto your computer?”

“Ya, of course you can.” Brendan responded.

Andrew got on the computer and logged onto his IM. His face, that had gotten all bright for a moment, became sad again as he realized that Jamie wasn’t on yet. Andrew, who had decided to tell Jamie as soon as he could, hadn’t imagined that Jamie might not be online just yet.

“He’s not on!” Andrew exclaimed.

Brendan did the thinking for him, “Haven’t you told me that you have his number?

“Yeah! you’re right!” Andrew said excitingly.

Andrew dug out his wallet and took out a little piece of folded paper where he had written down Jamie’s cell number. Then he took out his own cell and started dialing the numbers. He could now hear the ringing on the other side, 1, 2, 3. After the sixth ring, the voice mail took over, with Jamie’s voice telling him to leave a message. Andrew hung up without a word.

“He didn’t pick up,” Andrew sighed.

“Maybe he didn’t had his cell on him. Just call him again later if he doesn’t get online soon,” Brendan explained. After noticing that his friend was feeling a little better, he inquired “Andrew, can I ask you something?”

Andrew waited a little and seeing that Brendan wasn’t about to ask anything, he raised his eyebrow “Was it a rhetorical question, or you’re actually asking me that?”

“Maybe a little of both.” said Brendan.

“Just ask, you know I have no secrets with you”

“Why did you do it?” Brendan inquired. “And please don’t give me the ‘We were horny speech’ again, it may be convenient to hide things but it’s not fooling me.”

That was the ten thousand dollar question, the one with the bonus. What made him want to see Chris naked at the very start? Andrew had contemplated that question over and over again in his head and every time he drew a blank, no answer came out.

“I dunno, I really don’t,” Andrew answered honestly before going on “It’s just, umm, I see a lot of Jamie in him if it makes any senses.”

“Ya, it kinda does make some sense,” Brendan said.

Andrew went on “I do love Jamie a lot, he’s so great and nice. I really want to be with him. I don’t see myself with any other guy.”

Brendan perfectly understood the situation Andrew was in. “You also care about Chris, more than any other friends, right?”

“Maybe, alright, I do care about Chris, like I said, to my eyes he’s just as great as Jamie,” Andrew answered.

“Tell me that you do love Jamie more,” Brendan quickly wondered.

Andrew didn’t even have to think about it as it was more than clear to him what the answer was. “Yeah of course, I love Jamie way more.”

Brendan said “Then have a little faith, Jamie will see it and things will be alright.”

Both Andrew and Brendan sat quietly in front of the computer doing nothing. Brendan took on the responsibility of making Andrew think about something else “C’mon lets play some video games.”

Andrew agreed and they turned the TV and the Wii on and started to play.

They were playing games for a while when Brendan said out of nowhere “Maybe you should think about meeting him. I mean you already know that you love him, he obviously feels the same, well before today at least. You should perhaps start making plans to eventually see him, not just dream about it.”

“Yeah, I think you’re right. It would be so nice,” Andrew said drifting off into a little daydream of what Andrew and he would be doing together.

“Oh, you dirty boy, would you just stop picturing yourself fucking him.” Brendan said.

Blushing a little, Andrew asked, “How would you know? And what makes you think that I’m a top?”

Facetiously Brendan explained “That you were thinking about sex, or that you’re a top? First, I knew you were thinking about sex cause you have a boner, next time wear undies that are a little less tight, and second, well, I didn’t but I know now.”

“Ahh, shut up you biaatch!” Andrew laughingly said.

Brendan got serious again. “But really you should. Wait a few days then you should ask him. maybe you guys could meet somewhere halfway.”

“Yeah, I’ll do that,” Andrew decided.

**

Jamie was lying in bed when his cell rang. He picked it up from the night stand and saw on the caller ID that it was Andrew who was calling, just like an hour or two earlier. Jamie was contemplating not answering it. He might not exactly hate him for what he had done earlier, but he was just not ready to talk just yet as he was still a little pissed at him. The ringing stopped when the voicemail picked up the call.

It was barely twenty minutes later that his cell rang again. Jamie picked it up again and saw that it was Andrew yet again. At that point, Jamie realized that he’d better answer if he didn’t want it ringing non-stop.

“Hello?”

Andrew, happy to finally have reached Jamie said, “Hey, sweetie, I’ve tried to reach you. I need to talk to you.”

“Listen Andrew, I just don’t want to talk about it right now. I’ll get online when I’m ready,” Jamie sighed.

That answer certainly wasn’t good enough for Andrew, who felt that the faster they’d get the stuff out in the open, the fastest things would get back to how things were before. “No, we need to talk about it now.”

Jamie tried not to raise his voice but said insistently, “Andrew, I don’t want to fight, I need more time, I’ll get online later.”

Andrew guessed that response was as good as he was going to get. “You promise?” He just knew that Jamie would never break a promise once he made it.

“I’ll talk to you later.” Jamie said before hanging up.