In Due Time - 14. Chapter 14

I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a little bit awkward, hanging out with Ryan again. It was. Mostly because I think we were both paying really close attention to everything we said. I didn’t want to scare him off and… I’m not sure what his excuse was.

It was weird. I’d never been uncomfortable with Ryan before, but everything was…different. I refused to sit on a bed if he was already on it and I kept waiting for him to yell at me for coming too close. I just wanted to forget about…everything that had happened over the last couple of weeks with him, but it was damn near impossible.

I’m pretty sure it was my fault. For the most part, everything was normal. We could talk and joke around and everything—Ryan never mentioned the past couple of weeks and if he didn’t want to talk about it, I wasn’t going to bring it up. But I couldn’t bring myself to hang out with him alone. I was terrified that he might...I don’t know, freak out or something. I didn’t want him to think I was trying anything.

And Ryan? It was easy to see that he held back with me. There were definitely times when I felt like he was going to say something…but then he’d back down. He’d open his mouth and start a sentence and then shrug it off. And… then there was that word. ‘Fag’. He still said it, only it was worse now, because he’d turn to shoot me an apologetic look, which was a nice gesture, I guess, but I could do without it. I just wanted to go back to being normal.

We were both trying way too hard. It wasn’t the natural, easy going friendship I was used to. We could still laugh at each other or whatever, but I know I forced it half the time. When something funny happened and I laughed…I wasn’t really laughing at the situation as much as I was just… trying to get back to the way we used to be.

And I could see Ryan doing it too. It sucked. Overall, everything sucked, but it was definitely better than losing my best friend completely so I was willing to stick it out.

It was Chloe that finally got fed up and demanded we acknowledge the purple elephant and get over it. I didn’t even know that she noticed it. I didn’t think we were being obvious.

We both pretended not to know what she was talking about, but she proceeded to tell Ryan he had to make up for being such a dick. I didn’t really care one way or the other, I was just…glad we were talking again, but she insisted… and I went along with it because… well, mostly because it was funny.

“No,” Ryan said, shaking his head as he stared at me. “I’m not doing it. I refuse. I’d rather eat horse shit. Can’t we just find some horses?”

“Uhm…first off, eww. That’s gross. And second, you already agreed,” Chloe countered, grinning. “You were an ass and now you have to make up for it. You promised.”

Ry snorted. “I’m a liar. Where the hell have you been?”

“Don’t be such a pussy,” I chimed in with a grin of my own. It was amusing but, I was forcing it, and I only spoke so that I could keep up the act—like nothing had changed. We were picking up where we left off before everything fell apart.

Ry glared. “Fuck you. This is cruel. I was never this cruel, so this is unfair.”

“You’re the one that suggested it,” Chloe informed him, rolling her eyes. “Now hurry up. I promised Dad I help him cook dinner.”

Ryan groaned. “You hate me, don’t you? That’s what this is about, right? You both hate me.”

I sighed. “No one hates you, Ryan,” I said, and I meant to call him an overdramatic loser, after that, except, I remembered that Ry had said those exact words to me not too long ago and… I went silent.

Ry stared at me, watching as I frowned, jaw clenched. “Wow, dude,” he said, fidgeting with a pencil that he found on my bed. “Way to lay on the guilt.” He sighed. “Fine. I’ll do it. But if your mom murders me, I’m never speaking to you again.”

He got up and left my room and when Chloe looked at me, pressing her lips together like she was holding back laughter, I started laughing myself. Chloe was easy to be around. Things hadn’t changed with her. It was being around Ryan that was giving me a stomach ache.

“He’s never going to do it,” Chloe said, her voice muffled into the pillow she held against her face as she laughed. “But this ought to be funny anyway.”

I was pretty sure she was right. There was no way Ryan would actually go through with telling my mom what he did, but it was still amusing to torture him for a while.

At the beginning of our sophomore year, right after homecoming, Ryan said something to Chloe that really pissed her off and she took off. That was before I knew Chloe liked him, so neither of us knew what the hell was wrong with her. It was really late and… we sort of panicked. I wanted to wake my parents up to get help finding her, and Ryan wanted to steal my mom’s car and do it himself.

Guess which one he did?

He ended up wrecking it and I covered for him. Or rather… I played dumb when my mom asked about it. We all did. But mom knew we were lying. She parks her car in the garage. I was the only one that got in trouble for it. Not because she thought I did it; she knew I was terrified of cars. She just also knew, I was covering for one of my friends. She didn’t know which one and I refused to tell her.

Funny thing is, back then, she believed me without a word when I said it wasn’t Ryan. She figured Ryan and Chloe knew better. She trusted them. This is why my mother is always a little suspicious when we bring new people around. I was pretty sure she’d never forget it.

“You really think he’ll back down?” I asked Chloe, not even bothering to try and keep my laughter quiet.

“Uhm…yeah,” Chloe said, as if it should be obvious. “He doesn’t have the balls to—,”

“Ryan Marshall Lucas!” My mom’s voice rang out throughout the house. “You better be… Don’t you run from me. Did Jacob know about this? What—,”

She was cut off by the sound of the front door slamming.

The entire house was silent and Chloe and I stared at each other, jaws open in shock…and then, my mother’s footsteps came pounding up the stairs.

“Oh shit,” Chloe and I chorused, jumping to our feet, eyes widening.

“This was a really bad idea,” Chloe said, pacing my room.

I nodded. “Come on,” I said, grabbing my jacket. “Window.”

Chloe climbed out first, just as my mom started jiggling my doorknob.

“Open this door, Jacob,” she said, stern. “Right now.”

“Hurry up,” I said, pushing Chloe out onto the roof of the porch. “She’s coming.”

“I can hear you,” my mom said. “You’re not in trouble…open this door.” She banged harder. “Where do you plan on hiding, Jacob? Your room isn’t that big.”

“It’s a trick,” I told Chloe, climbing out to join her.

“Where the hell are we going to go?” She asked, inching her way to the edge. “You have to go home sooner or later. God, this is so stupid. My mother is going to kill me.”

I rolled my eyes, walking to the side of the roof where we could climb down the tree.

“You’re mother can barely walk,” I informed her. “She waddles. You can run from her. And I’ll come home when my mom has had time to remember I was already punished for this particular crime. Now shut up and move before she catches on… or learns how to unlock my door.”

“God,” Chloe said, grabbing a branch and stepping out into the tree as I held her from behind. “This is definitely the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. I need new friends.”

“This is going to be funny later,” I assured her, stepping into the tree after her with ease. I’d done it a million times. “Just watch.”

We went to Ryan’s house. It took forever to climb out of the tree with Chloe’s complaining and her insistence that it was never, ever going to be anywhere near funny. But it was totally already funny. I couldn’t stop laughing once we got to Ry’s.

And Ryan couldn’t either.

It was awkward, telling him about it. I couldn’t look directly in his eyes for too long because—I don’t know why, but I couldn’t help but think it would make him uncomfortable. I just… couldn’t wait for this awkward bullshit to be over. I wondered if it ever would be.

“Oh, this was so worth it,” Ryan said and ducked when Chloe chucked a pencil at him. “Even if JM calls my dad. Totally worth it.”

I nodded, spinning around in Ry’s computer chair. “My dad is gonna think it was hilarious. He’ll try to be all angry because my mom wants him to be… but it’s never going to work.”

“Yeah?” Chloe snapped angrily. “Well, my mom’s going to go into labor. Fuck you both.”

“Shut up,” Ry said, rolling his eyes. “You won’t get in trouble. You never do. Your mom is awesome.”

“She doesn’t like it when we piss Jake’s mom off. She thinks it’s disrespectful…and, if she finds out about the car…” Chloe said and threw herself back onto Ryan’s bed.

“Come on, Chlo,” Ryan said, sitting at the end of the bed and pulling her feet into his lap. I raised an eyebrow at that, but no one was paying attention to me.

“Fuck off,” Chloe said, kicking him. “I’m being serious.”

“Chill, Chlo,” I said and rolled my eyes, but I was looking at Ryan. He wasn’t laughing anymore, and I really didn’t get it. Chloe threw fits every time we acted like dumb asses. I didn’t get why he was letting it kill his buzz.

“We’ll tell your mom it was all us. I like it when she lectures me. She always does it with chocolates,” I added, because, that was the way it was supposed to be. Chlo would get mad and Ry and I would work together to…make it stop.

“Yeah,” Ry chimed in, smiling again. “Your mom is way less terrifying than Jake’s.”

I suppose I could have pretended to be offended, but I agreed with him.

Chloe shook her head and we went silent, waiting for her to say something. It wouldn’t do to piss her off. My mom’s scary, yeah, but Chloe’s worse. Chloe bites.

She sighed, after a moment. I grinned. I like it when she caves.

“Fine,” she said. “You know, you weren’t actually supposed to go through with it, right?” she continued, turning to glare at Ryan. “We were kidding, you jackass.”

“You should have said that sooner,” Ryan countered. “I waited in the hall for a full minute before I went to tell.”

“A minute?” Chloe responded, incredulous. “Christ, you’re impatient.”

Ry rolled his eyes and the two of them went back to arguing, but it was the playful kind of arguing. The kind of arguing I used to pretend to hate. I missed it, really and I couldn’t figure out a way to…jump in anymore. Like I used to. I felt like I didn’t quite fit and, I was starting to feel a little…bitter, I guess, about all the time the two of them had spent together without me. I was their friend and it used to be… so easy. The three of us worked well together.

Now, it felt like three wasn’t actually company.

“…right Jake?” This from Chloe and I looked up from the spot on my jeans that I’d been staring at.

“What?” I asked feeling awkward under their gazes. “Sorry, I was totally zoning.”

“Oh, right. Space cadet,” Ry said, grinning and the fact that it was a genuine grin, helped with the odd churning feeling in my stomach. “I remember that,” he added, rolling his eyes.

“Bite me,” I said because it’s what I normally would have said. I felt a little like I was going through the motions with him. Sticking to what I knew. It worked, but it didn’t make me feel any better. I just…I didn’t know where I stood with him and it was seriously making everything hard for me.

“Some other time,” Ryan replied with a grin that faded as soon as the words were out of his mouth. “I mean…”

I didn’t have a response. I went back to staring at my lap.

“I was kidding,” Ryan said, and I had a feeling he might be studying his lap as well. “I didn’t mean…it wasn’t an insult, bro. It was just… a joke.”

I knew that and, I wasn’t actually offended. I just wished he’d stop making a big deal about it. I wished we could go back to laughing at shit like that without him thinking about how I might take it. And without having to worry about whether or not he might think I wanted him to… bite me or whatever. I wanted him to fucking…

“Relax…” Chloe sighed, and sometimes, I feel like she can read my mind. I made a mental note to thank her sometime in the future.

“I am relaxed,” Ryan muttered.

“No, you’re not,” she said. “You guys are being weird. We’re here, right? Why can’t you two just apologize and get over it?”

It was on the tip of my tongue to ask what the hell I had to be sorry for, but I didn’t say it. I doubted it would help matters.

“We are over it,” I said instead. “Right, Ryan?”

“Definitely. You’re paranoid, Chlo,” Ry responded.

Chloe gaped at both of us. “You. Are. Insane,” she said, shaking her head. “Unfortunately for you two, I don’t have time to play mediator anymore. I’ve gotta go help Dad work the stove. He’s probably started dinner already, but if there’s a God, he hasn’t figured out how to open the cupboards yet.”

Ry and I both chuckled lightly at that, but neither of us said anything as she got up and starting kicking Ryan’s clutter around to find her shoes.

Ry stood up to help her and he found them almost immediately.

“Slob,” she said when he handed them to her.

“You love it,” he said, grinning. “So, we’re doing the ice cream thing, right?”

Chloe nodded and I frowned. Ice cream thing? I mean… I guess I could understand if I wasn’t invited. I’d been gone awhile and maybe the two of them had…bonded or something equally creepy, but still. It sucked that they were talking about it right it front of me.

“You’re coming, right bro?” Ry asked, right when I’d convinced myself that I’d never fit with the two of them again.

“Huh?” I asked.

Ryan rolled his eyes. “Right, you were ‘zoning’,” he said. “I’m taking Lindsey out for ice cream and Chloe invited herself along to meet her. I’m not going unless you go. I’m not up for the torture.”

“Oh,” I said, sighing. “Yeah, bro. Whatever.”

“Cool,” he said and he turned back to Chloe. “Later?”

She nodded. And… there was something weird about them. They were different. Maybe it was because I don’t think I’d ever actually seen Ryan make it a point to walk Chloe to the door like he was doing or maybe it was because I’d never seen Chloe wait for him to say goodbye before leaving…but it was weird. Definitely.

But obviously nothing had changed. I wasn’t sure, but I thought I remembered hearing about Lindsey from Chloe. Ryan’s new, ‘never-gonna-last-girlfriend’. Whatever.

“So,” I started when the silence Chloe left us in got to be too much. “Lindsey? Lindsey the book geek? Branching out, dude?”

“She’s hot,” he responded, shrugging and avoiding my eyes. “She’s sort of cool, too. Like…funny.”

“Right,” I said and the conversation ended there, because I had nothing else to say. I didn’t want to just… jet right after Chloe left. I wasn’t comfortable being with him alone, but I didn’t want him to know that. And… I didn’t want it to be true. I wanted to be able to just chill with him. I wanted to believe it was possible.

But it wasn’t.

“Well,” I said, clearing my throat. “I’m gonna… go do homework.”

Lamest excuse I’d ever come up with, especially since we already did homework with Chloe. I didn’t care. Sitting there in silence with someone I’d never had trouble making conversation with before was depressing and I wanted to get away from it as soon as possible.

I stood up to leave.

“The thing is,” Ry blurted, before I’d even taken a step. “That we’re never gonna be cool unless we actually talk about it.”

I stared at him, trying to do the thing where I ask him what the hell he’s talking about with my eyes, but it doesn’t work unless he’s looking at me, so it was pointless. I sat down and waited for him to continue.

“But we’re not going to talk,” he went on. “I’m gonna… say some things. And then you’re gonna pretend it never happened, okay?”

“Uhm…what?” I asked, bemused.

“Shut up,” Ryan said. He fidgeted with the covers on his bed before looking up. Not at me, at something outside his window, but that was cool. I was pretty sure I understood. I had trouble with eye contact when I was trying to talk too.

“Alright,” he sighed. “I don’t like Shane. He’s an asshole and…he’s not…I just don’t think you should be around him.”

I frowned at that, immediately wanting to argue, but he continued before I got the chance.

“I get that you like him. And… he might be fun to hang with… I know he is, but he’s not… he’s just not a good guy, Jake. But, whatever. I won’t say anything else about it.”

I frowned deeper. I didn’t like that, or where the conversation was going, but I wasn’t about to walk away. I was done doing that. It never helped anything.

“The gay thing,” he went on and now he was frowning. “I don’t think it’s… I don’t get it. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, but so far… I don’t think I give a shit. If you want to fuck guys—,”

“Why does everyone jump there? No one’s fucking. There’s no fucking going on anywhere,” I snapped bitterly.

“You know what I mean,” he shot back. “And shut up. You’re not supposed to talk. I’m trying to pretend you’re not really here.”

I rolled my eyes and sat back in my seat.

“The point is,” he continued. “I don’t think it should be a big deal. It’s not. Mostly. I don’t care that you like…guys. It’s weird, but whatever, dude. Your life. Your dick. I figure it’d make me at least a little bit queer to care what you do with it. That’s not what my issue is.”

I looked up at him, trying to meet his eyes. My heart was pounding in my chest and… I was trying to play it cool; I really was, but… I’m pretty sure that he was about to give me the answer that I’d been waiting to hear. Which is odd, considering I didn’t even know what the question was, but I froze as I waited for it and it suddenly wasn’t a problem to keep my mouth shut.

“My problem is… I don’t know how to act,” he said. “If it were anything else, I’d just tell you that you were a freak and make fun of you until you wanted to dig a hole and bury yourself alive, like I usually do. I’d laugh at you, because that’s what I do and you’d threaten to kick my ass because that’s what you do. And then Chloe would kick both our asses to settle everything up.”

I laughed. It was strange, but hearing that out loud… I think it was what I wanted to. I wasn’t sure how I’d react to being made fun of… about the gay thing. I still wasn’t completely okay with it, but the scenario he laid out was preferable to the dance we were currently doing around the subject.

“You can,” I offered, and I already knew I was going to regret it. I just didn’t care. “You can try it… that way.”

He nodded. “I was going to,” he said. “I just thought I’d tell you in advance. I’m an asshole, but mostly I’m kidding.”

I nodded. I knew that.

Ryan sighed. “Good. We’re done. So… you don’t have to keep leaving whenever Chloe does. We’re good, bro.”

I raised an eyebrow at him and opened my mouth to ask a question that I wasn’t even sure I wanted the answer to, but… I had to know.

“You’re not… afraid that I’m gonna—you know—try something?”

He grimaced at the spot on the wall he was currently staring at. “No,” he replied. “I mean… I wasn’t. You’re not, right?”

“No,” I responded quickly. “I just… I thought you’d think—,”

“I don’t,” he interrupted, fidgeting. “It’s cool.”

“Good.”

“Yeah,” he said. And the awkward silence was back. I can’t speak for Ryan, but… I got that we were going to try…’fixing things’ a different way. I just didn’t know how to start.

Ryan took care of that. “Wanna go find some roaches to put in my dad’s closet so he thinks we have an infestation?”

I laughed. It felt like relief.

“What for?” I asked, standing up.

Ryan shrugged. “He usually bombs the house a couple times when I do. It’ll give me a good excuse to crash at your place or Chloe’s for the next couple nights.”

“You…” I started, losing my grin. “You’d be cool sleeping over still?”

Ry froze where he was bent over, picking up his jacket. I wished I hadn’t asked. I could be so fucking stupid.

“I mean… forget it, bro,” I said, frowning. “It doesn’t matter.”

Ry stood up, turning around to look at me.

“I can sleep on the floor,” he said, shrugging.

I grinned. It wasn’t… I had a feeling we were never going to be like we used to be. Things had changed, no matter how much I wanted to deny it. Things were going to be different.

But I could handle that. No one stays the same forever, and I could handle that. Ryan and I were still best friends, even if everything else changed. Ryan and I were solid.

Everything else….well, fuck it. It didn’t matter.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was easier hanging out with Shane when I didn’t have to worry about Ryan. Much easier. I finally understood what Shane was going on about when he said that this was supposed to be the fun part. And it was fun. For me.

Things had just started getting good with Shane when I went and fucked everything up with Ryan. And… somewhere during that disaster, I think I forgot why I had such a hard time staying away from Shane. I forgot why I liked him so much. I just knew that I did. I liked the way he made me feel and I think I sort of just… fed on it. I didn’t really pay much attention to what it was about him that made me feel the way I did. It was all stupid shit, like the way he smelled. Or the way he’d look at me when I popped up at his house, like I was the best thing that could have happened all day and it was weird because I don’t think I did anything to deserve it. Ever.

I liked the way he could make just about anything funny, and I loved the random comments he was constantly making during movies, or…pretty much all the time. I liked the way he touched me and I couldn’t get enough of the way his voice, low and raspy sounded in my ear when he leaned close to tell me something he didn’t want anyone else to hear—even if no one else was around. I stopped paying attention to all those things at some point… and that sucked.

I was paying attention now, though, which was… good because there was a lot about Shane I didn’t know yet. And I wanted to know him. The more I knew, the more I liked, and… liking Shane was definitely a good feeling.

Shane doesn’t like swimming. Or… that’s not really true, he likes it, he just doesn’t really care about it the way Ryan and I do. I mean, it isn’t everything to me, but I think I’d go even crazier than I already am if I couldn’t be in a pool from time to time. Ryan… he says it’s the only thing he’s good at.

But Shane? He doesn’t care one way or the other. It’s ‘something to do’ and he likes the competition, but he wouldn’t be upset if he couldn’t do it.

Seems like something I should have known, right? I didn’t and I was a little shocked to hear it because Shane was good. The front crawl is pretty much my only trick…I can’t do anything else to save my life and I’d drown if I tried to do the backstroke. Or…I’d drown if I tried to do it fast. But that was Shane’s swim and he was really good at it. It was just…really weird finding out he didn’t really care about it. But, cool too, because I was finally paying attention, and I liked knowing things about him.

What Shane really likes, is baseball and I must have really had my head up my ass to have missed that little fact because it was sort of obvious. He likes it so much that he throws food at the television screen when things don’t go his way and he sort of ignores me until the game is over. I didn’t mind it so much. It was almost as fun for me watching him as it was for him, watching the game.

I liked it. It was what I wanted—to know more of him. I remembered back when I first met him, knowing more of him seemed to be all I could think about…but I’d stopped and now I had to drop in on him unexpectedly to find out stupid obvious things—like the baseball thing. He used to just… tell me things like that, whenever it came up. He’d stopped doing that and I wasn’t so stupid that I couldn’t figure out when it happened.

He stopped telling me when I stopped paying attention. I was pretty much the only thing that Shane and I ever talked about when we were together and that fact wasn’t lost on me. I felt like I owed him an apology for that… I just didn’t know how to do it. I’m not good with shit like that.

Yes, I am the lowest form of shit known to man. But, I was trying to move on from that, because I knew Shane liked me and I couldn’t figure out why. I was an asshole to him on a daily basis and I wanted to—I don’t know, finally give him a reason to like me. He’d given me plenty.

And I wanted him to know I liked him back. Because honestly, making out aside, I don’t think he knew.

“Baseball?” I’d asked him the day I found out that he’d liked the sport. I’d actually asked him the question three times already during the game, but he’d given me the same answer every time. A very brief ‘hmm’.

‘Yeah,” he said, finally turning to grin at me. “Hi,” he added, and I almost laughed out loud at the way his eyes lit up the way they normally did whenever he saw me. It wouldn’t have been so out of place if I hadn’t already been at his house for an hour.

“Hi,” I said, shaking my head, before repeating. “Baseball? You never said you liked it.”

His grin faded and he rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I did. After school, that day you went with Ryan to talk, or whatever. The first time, I mean. I was telling you about how I hated swim practice.”

He went on to explain and for the life of me, I couldn’t remember him saying any such thing. I remembered leaving practice, waiting for Shane to finish changing…and running into Ryan in the parking lot before he took me to Impossible Dream. I had no memory, whatsoever, of any sort of conversation between Shane and I.

“Well,” Shane said, laughing at the bemused look on my face. “You were a little… preoccupied. I guess. With Ryan and everything.”

“Shane…” I sighed, frowning at my idiocy. “I’m sorry…”

“Nah, dude,” he snorted, elbowing me lightly in the side. “It’s no big deal. It’s not like it’s important.”

I raised an eyebrow. “You threw onions at your television,” I informed him. “That seems important.”

“Not really,” he shot back with a grin. “I hate onions. My dad just insists on putting them on our subs.” He stood up, abruptly, reaching out a hand to help me. “Come on. Let’s go up to my room.”

I followed him. I really hated being down in his living room…out in the open. Mostly because, even if no one was in the room with us, we were never really alone. And Shane’s little sisters had a habit of just popping up out of nowhere at the worst possible times. I swear it was like they were waiting for one of us to get comfortable enough to actually move closer and they’d seize the opportunity to run in, screaming.

“Our school has a team,” I told Shane as we entered his room. “A baseball team, I mean. I heard it was pretty good.”

It was a little awkward, talking about it. Not because of the subject, obviously. It was just…awkward in the way that I felt bad about not listening the first time he’d told me about himself and I was a little worried that I’d slip and ram my foot into my mouth again.

“No,” he responded grinning. “It was good. When I was on it.”

“You were on the baseball team?” I asked, genuinely interested. That’s the thing… I wasn’t faking it. I really did kind of want to know, because knowing anything about Shane was…good. Definitely good.

He shrugged in response. “Awhile ago,” he replied. “Did you want to put on a movie or something?”

“You quit?” I asked, ignoring his question. It felt like he was avoiding the subject, but I couldn’t imagine why he would, so I figured I was imagining it. I do that sometimes. It’s the paranoia thing. “Why?”

He shrugged. “Don’t know,” he said and then he turned to me grinning. “It was really hot one day when I was on my way to practice and I saw the pool and hot boys in Speedos. I got a little sidetracked. Decided to join the swim team.”

I laughed, rolling my eyes at him. “Shut up, I was being serious,” I said, kicking him in the ankle.

“So was I,” he insisted, dropping onto the bed. I mirrored the action.

I nudged him with my shoulder, more for contact than anything else. It was sort of…habit to touch him whenever we were alone and he was close enough.

“Stop,” I said, smiling at him.

“Stop what?”

“Why won’t you tell me?” I asked, losing my smile bit by bit. “Did your friend, like, hit your mom in the head with a baseball and…”

“That was Simon Birch,” he interrupted before I could finish. “We watched that movie last week. Jackass.”

“I know,” I smirked. “You totally cried.”

“Shut up,” he glared. “I did not.”

“Did so.”

“So not.”

“Why’d you quit the baseball team?” I asked, because even if that trick never works, it’s worth a shot every once in awhile.

“Why are you acting like you care?” he snapped back. Yeah, snapped. It was totally out of nowhere. I really had no idea what I’d done wrong.

But it wasn’t the fact that he’d snapped at me that had me freezing up, with absolutely no idea what to say. It was the question.

I did care. I wasn’t just ‘acting’ like it. I cared. That was why I stuck with the conversation, even though it was awkward, because I fucking liked him, just as much as he liked me, if not more, and I finally wanted him to know that.

Seriously, I couldn’t figure out what I’d said wrong. It could have had something to do with the way I’d apparently ignored him the first time we’d talked about the baseball thing, but even that didn’t explain the angry look he had on his face.

I cleared my throat. “I just… I wanted to…” I shook my head. There was no way I’d ever be able to explain any of my bullshit out loud. It was about time I stopped trying.

“I’m sorry,” I said, instead. “I just kind of wanted to know. We don’t really talk about you.” I shrugged, standing up to walk toward the movies. “I was just curious, bro. So, what movie did you want to watch?”

“You were… curious?” he asked, raising a skeptical eyebrow. “Why?”

I just shrugged. “We could finish the movie we started last time I was…”

“Shut up,” he snapped, standing up to grab my arm and pull me back to the bed. “I don’t want to watch a movie anymore. I want you to finish what you were saying.”

I frowned. “Shut up?”

He shrugged, sighing. “Well… not ‘shut up’. Just stop trying to change the subject.”

“You started it,” I said, and then cringed immediately afterward. I really couldn’t have picked something lamer to say. What was I, five?

Shane raised an eyebrow at me. “Why are you being an ass?” he asked, shaking his head at me, moving back on his bed until he was against the wall.

“Because you were,” I said, honestly, mentally kicking myself.

Shane didn’t respond at first and I waited for him to tell me what an immature, idiot I was but he didn’t.

He laughed. “Yeah, well… let’s both stop.”

I nodded and he shot me a smile.

“So, why’d you want to know?” he asked, leaning his head back against the wall.

I shrugged. I wasn’t good at… talking about things. But, I wasn’t exactly prepared to go home and write him a cheesy ass letter and as far as I know, there aren’t any other ways of communicating, so I was pretty much fucked.

“I like you,” I said, shoving my hands in my pockets to keep from fidgeting. I couldn’t look at him. “And…I don’t know. I was just asking. But… it’s not like it’s a big deal, I don’t need to kn—umm.”

Num? That’s how ‘know’ sounds when someone interrupts you with their tongue. I was almost offended. I mean, I was talking. I was taking steps and shit. It was rude to interrupt.

“I like you too,” he told me when he pulled away and I rolled my eyes.

“Really? I didn’t know.” Sarcasm. It’s what I do.

“Yeah, you did,” he responded, oblivious. “But I already knew you liked me too, so we’re even.”

“You did?” I asked, before I could stop myself, but he didn’t seem at all shocked by the question. He just kissed the corner of my mouth, nodding.

“Totally,” he said keeping his expression serious. “People that don’t like me usually start throwing fits when I try and do this.” He kissed me again. “Punches get thrown. Lips start bleeding. It’s not fun.”

“You kiss random people that don’t like you?” I asked, grinning because… I couldn’t really help it. It’s hard not to smile when he gets like that.

“Nah, just that once with you,” he sighed.

I laughed, rolling my eyes. “Shut up,” I said, pulling him in, but he stopped me. And honestly, if he kept pushing me away right when I got up the guts to actually make a move, I was just going to quit trying.

“I don’t like the pitcher,” he said, looking straight into my eyes. “Or… he didn’t like me, and now I can’t stand him.”

It only took me a second to catch up and get on the same page as him, but I got there quickly enough.

“You’re still on the swim team and you don’t like Toby,” I pointed out, cautiously because I wasn’t sure if he was okay talking about that.

He looked thoughtful for a second, before he shrugged. “Tobias… is different. I don’t like him, but I don’t hate him either.”

“But, you do hate the pitcher on the baseball team?”

Shane nodded, biting his lower lip. “I get kind of sick whenever he’s around. I don’t really like thinking about it.”

I wasn’t sure if I should ask or not. Why, I mean. I wanted to know what someone could have possibly done that would make him worse than Toby, but I wasn’t sure if it’d be cool to ask about it.

But Shane was still sitting there, really close, fingers playing at the collar of my shirt, as he waited for me to go on.

I cleared my throat. “What happened?” I asked, my voice barely a whisper. It seemed less nosy when I did it that way. “What did he do?”

Shane cocked his head to the side, staring at me like he wasn’t sure he should tell me or not. I fought the urge to take it back and tell him he didn’t have to tell me. The way he was hesitating had me wondering if I really wanted to hear it.

He sighed, pulling off of me and moving back to lean against the wall.

“Nothing,” he said, and turned to smile at me. “I mean…not nothing, but…” he bit his lip and there was something very disturbing about the smile on his face. It was just… fake. It looked like he was fighting to keep it there, but for once, I didn’t feel like he was doing it for me, to keep me calm.

“You don’t have to tell me, dude,” I told him, moving closer. He moved away.

“He outed me,” he blurted shrugging. “It’s no big deal; just… he said some things, afterward.”

The logical thing for me to have said is ‘I’m sorry’ or I could have asked ‘what things?’ but I didn’t. The second the words were out of his mouth, I went straight to going through any and all information I had about the baseball team and who the pitcher was so I could stay the fuck away from him. Away from even the slightest risk that someone else might find out about me.

And then I kicked myself. I really shouldn’t have been surprised that Shane didn’t think I really cared. Apparently, I was an expert at making everything about me.

Which sucked, but it didn’t stop me from asking the question I knew I was going to go home and look up in my yearbook if he didn’t tell me.

“Who was it?” I asked, softly.

Shane shrugged. “Doesn’t matter.”

“It kind of does,” I replied, nervous. “What if… I mean… how did he find out about you? Did he just… I mean, how did he know? Did you tell him?”

Apparently, I’d said something hilarious, because Shane broke down into fits of laughter.

“Not…exactly,” he said.

“Then what?” I asked, urgently. I honestly wasn’t trying to be a dick and… it was his moment, I know, but I was terrified. It’s stupid because it’s not like there’s a neon green flashing sign over my head that says ‘Look, a queer’, but… panicking is what I’m good at.

“He was my… friend,” Shane said, and he smiled for all of two seconds, before he just gave up and dropped back against the wall, hitting his head against it. It looked painful.

And I felt like shit. He so obviously didn’t want to talk about it.

“He and I used to…well, I mean, we weren’t together, it was just a thing. A lot of…things, but…”

Oh. Know how I’m not the jealous type? Well, see…I don’t think I’d ever had anything to be jealous of before. I didn’t even think there was a reason for it then, and I shook the feeling off fairly quickly, but still… I didn’t like it.

There was also… confusion. I didn’t get why this guy, whoever the fuck he was, would tell anyone. And I didn’t get how he got away with doing it without outing himself in the process. I’d been paying attention and I was pretty sure the only known gay guy at our school was Shane.

“Oh,” I said aloud, nodding.

“Yeah,” Shane nodded right along with me as he fidgeted with the hole in the knee of his jeans. “Oh.”

“Shane, I’m…” I shook my head. “Sorry?” I was positive that was a pretty pathetic thing to say, but he shot me a smile.

“Yeah,” he said, shrugging. “Anyway, he sort of got scared and told people some things. Like…he said that I tried to…you know…” he cringed shaking his head. “Which is stupid because he started it, but obviously he wasn’t going to admit that.”

And just… what a dick. Actually, I didn’t know a word good enough for this guy. It was…wow. Shane… I imagined it wasn’t fun being Shane. I thought I had problems.

“Why would…” It’s strange, but you can’t really finish sentences if you don’t know where they’re going. Imagine that.

Apparently I didn’t need to finish it, though.

Shane shrugged again. “Don’t know. But it’s sort of why most of my friends don’t speak to me. I don’t think they’d have such an issue if they weren’t afraid I’d…” He shook his head, jaw clenching. “People suck. Want some popcorn?”

I shook my head, rapidly. Not really to say ‘no’ to the popcorn thing. Mostly because the abrupt change in topic was definitely jarring and I felt like I missed something.

“No,” I said, slowly. “Shane, I’m—,”

“Sorry? Yeah, me too. So, no popcorn?” He stood up.

“Wait—what are you doing?”

He grinned. “Changing the subject. This one’s boring.”

“No, it’s not,” I countered, pulling him back. “Look, I’m sorry, I just…”

“Yeah,” he said, shrugging. “I know.”

“No, you don’t,” I snapped, frustrated with the interruptions. “Listen…I’m not going to do that. What he did, I mean.” It felt important to say, because I was scared shitless, just like…whoever this guy was had apparently been, but I wasn’t that much of an asshole and I wondered if that was why Shane avoided serious conversation when he was the topic instead of me. I wondered if he thought I’d actually try to fuck him over like that.

Shane snorted. “I know,” he said. “It’s too late to out me, bro. Everyone knows. Even the principal looks at me funny when he sees me leaving the bathroom.”

I sighed. “No, that’s not what I…wait—really?”

“Yeah,” Shane said. “I’m pretty sure he thinks ‘queer’ is synonymous with ‘rent boy’.”

“Rent boy?” I frowned.

Shane laughed. “Never mind. Come on,” he said, grabbing my arm to pull me up. “Let’s get food. My stomach’s doing that thing where it gets empty and starts bitching about it.”

“Wait,” I said, struggling to pull him back as he fought to drag me out of the room. “How do you do that?”

“Do what?” he asked, clearly impatient.

“How do you just—laugh it off and move on?” If he could provide a step by step manual, that would have actually been really helpful. Mostly, though, it was just… weird and I was having a hard time getting away from the subject. I had questions. Tons of them. Like, who the hell was this guy and why didn’t Shane out him right when it all started. And why hadn’t he kicked his ass, or something. It was… troubling and I was worried that Shane might think I was going to do something similar and just… I didn’t get how he could just act like it was no big deal. I didn’t get how he could go from talking about it to smiling and making jokes.

But Shane looked at me like he didn’t really understand the question.

“What else am I gonna do?” he asked frowning. “Am I supposed to dwell on it? That sounds… pointless.”

I was a little offended by that, because it was his problem and I knew myself well enough to know that I’d be dwelling for the next few hours at least.

“Yeah, but, how…” I shook my head. “I mean, that just…sucks.”

Shane laughed. “I know,” he said. “I was there when it happened.”

“Shane…”

“I don’t want to drag you down,” he interrupted. “I figure it’s probably not why you came over. Besides, I got over it last year, when it happened. I’m good.”

Yes, that much was clear. I just wanted to know how he got over it. I was sure I wouldn’t be able to if it were me.

“Anyway, you’ve got your own shit to deal with,” he continued, pulling me toward the door again. “You don’t need to hear mine.”

I damn near growled, as I ripped my arm away from him. “I know,” I snapped. “But I want to. I want to know your…shit.” And good God, they should have classes in school for this sort of thing, because talking was something you actually needed to know how to do in the ‘real world’. I want to know your shit?

Shane cocked his head to the side and let his arm fall. He didn’t try to reach for me again; he just stood there, staring.

“Yeah,” he said after a moment. “I get that… I think.” He took a step toward me. “I want to hear you ‘shit’ too, but… can we be finished talking about this.”

Part of me wanted to say no, because I still didn’t know who this person was, but I let it go. It wasn’t really important. I mean, it was but I had my year book. I could figure it out when I got home.

I nodded. “Yeah. Whatever,” I said, shrugging. “Just… I’m really not going to get scared and… you know, lie about you. Not like he did.”

Shane smiled. “I know you’re not,” he said, quietly and he smiled again before he turned, opening the door a bit.

“And Shane?” I said and he turned back around once more, raising an expectant eyebrow.

“Yeah?”

“I like you,” I blurted and frowned when I realized that sentence didn’t really feel like it belonged. I just felt like I needed to say it. Again.

Shane’s smile turned into an amused grin and he nodded. “Yeah,” he said slowly. “You said that already. I like you too.”

“Okay,” I said, shrugging. “Good.”

“Right. Good,” he echoed.

He stood there, staring at me with his hand on the door, with a look on his face like he was waiting to see if I was finished. I wasn’t… but I didn’t really know what else I wanted to say. I just...didn’t feel finished.

“…I really am hungry,” Shane went on, slowly. “So… if we are going to keep doing the conversation thing, I’ll need some sustenance.” He grinned, chewing on his lower lip and I got a little distracted, but that was good, because I knew why I wasn’t finished yet.

I don’t think I intended to delay him too long. I was hungry too, sort of. I just—Shane may have been able to just stop thinking about this guy and move on, but I couldn’t just drop it like that. I needed a little help getting my mind off it.

“Then we won’t talk anymore,” I told him, stepping forward, but when he grinned and turned to leave, I pulled him back.

“We can eat in a minute,” I said, when he frowned questioningly, keeping my voice barely above a whisper as I stepped closer to him. “Just…” I took a breath as I reached past him to close the door where he’d opened it a crack and locking it, just in case. “In a minute.”

He was smirking, but I wasn’t really in the mood to analyze it. I wanted to kiss him.

So I did.

No hesitation. No pausing. Didn’t even feel awkward about it. I just moved in and pressed my lips firmly against his.

He stumbled a bit, backing up until his back was against his door, apparently shocked, though he had to have seen it coming. I wasn’t exactly great with subtlety.

“Yeah,” he whispered against my lips and it tickled a bit. “Food can wait.”

I think I probably made time to kiss Shane multiple times a day. It’d quickly become my favorite thing to do. I liked the way that no matter how many times we did it, it always made my mind blissfully blank. I was always looking for an excuse to get close enough to him that he’d get the hint and move in and he always did. But I don’t think I was ever going to get used to how it felt.

His lips were so fucking soft when I kissed him. Smooth. They slid against mine easily and the feeling made warmth spread throughout my chest, into my stomach. The feeling only got worse…or better depending on how you look at it, when he slid his tongue into my mouth to tangle with mine. I always got drunk on the feeling and it really is pathetic how quickly he can make me lose myself in him. In the feelings.

And then he touched me—slowly at first, softly trailing his finger tips up the sides of my chest, before wrapping me up in his arms, his grip firm. He’d done it a ton of times before but it always sent shivers up and down my spine and made the hair on my arms and back of my neck stand at attention. It was an odd feeling, but I definitely liked it. I doubted I’d get used to it anytime soon and I was glad. I didn’t want to get used to it. I never wanted to get used to any of it.

Like… Shane’s chest. It was hard against mine and…if he’d just kiss me a little harder, a little deeper, I might be able to lose myself just enough to be able to touch it, the way I always wanted to, feeling it against mine. I might be able to run my hands over it and find out of it really is as…hot as it feels. I could feel heat coming off him in waves… or I thought I could. It might have been just me, but I wouldn’t know unless I could touch.

But I’d never been able to. I’d come close, a few times but, I’d never really been able to slid my hands up his shirt and…touch.

Fortunately, Shane had no such issues with touching me.

Shane’s hands were always cold but it shocked the hell out of me when he slid a hand just under the back of my shirt and it made contact with my skin. I shuddered violently against him, breaking our kiss as I let out a sigh, trying to get used to it. Shane just gripped my hip with his other hand and pulled me closer, nipping at the corners of my lips. Gently and it was…good and my arms were shaking when I lifted them to wrap them around him. First around his waist, but that didn’t work with where his hands were and then we were both scrambling, pulling and pushing at each other until we finally found a comfortable position, me with my hands clenched in the front of his shirt and his arms around me, pulling me closer still.

He moved in to kiss me again, leaving off with the gentle nipping and I sighed when his tongue entered my mouth, warm and wet. I thrust my tongue back into Shane’s mouth and he let out a noise somewhere between a gasp and a choked sob… or maybe that was me.

I didn’t care. It didn’t matter. I felt dizzy and a little drunk and food could fuck off, because I definitely needed more than a minute.

It was intense. Kissing Shane was always somewhat intense, but…not like it was right then. I was quickly losing any ability I may have had left to think and everything was spinning out of control far to fast for me to keep up with. It was almost… too much. I was breathing heavily through my nose and his hands—Christ, his hands were every fucking where. It was getting hard to stay on my feet and I was hard and… it was all too much and not enough at the same time. Or maybe it was too much because it wasn’t enough. I felt like I needed more… of something. I just wasn’t sure what it was.

Shane slid his hand further up the back of my shirt and it was a little… terrifying…but I didn’t want it to stop. It felt good, having his hand against me. Against my skin. My skin was hot all over and I swore I could feel every touch more than I normally would have. I was way too… sensitive and my body was tingling.

Shane’s hand burned against my skin and he slid it around my side, over my chest, fingers flitting lightly over my nipple and I broke our kiss as my mouth dropped open in a silent gasp. I clenched my hands tighter in his shirt. I felt like I was falling—probably because, I was literally falling. My legs decided they didn’t want to work anymore and Shane’s hand left my chest to wrap back around me to keep me up.

“We should…” he started, breathlessly, eyes still closed, forehead against mine. “We should probably…”

“Stop talking,” I ordered, and I kissed him again and this time, I was sure the noise—the soft moan that seemed unbearably loud in the otherwise silent room—came from Shane as his arms tightened around me once more.

And then I felt it. Or rather, I felt him…his cock, pressing into the lower part of my stomach. It… didn’t click at first. What it meant, I mean. I wasn’t getting it and at first, the only thought I had as I continued to kiss Shane was that he was… taller than me. Which I totally hadn’t noticed before.

It took my mind a lot longer to catch up than I’m proud of, but… I did catch on. And when I did… I didn’t react like I would have guessed, having his cock against me. I was shocked, which is ridiculous, because I was pretty sure he could feel me as well, but that seemed unimportant at the moment. It was just…strange, I think, but I didn’t panic, like I would have thought. I was… almost intrigued.

I know it’s stupid but part of the reason I’d always been afraid to make the first move with Shane was that… I was afraid he might not let me. Which is stupid all things considered, but it’s true. The other part was that I was afraid of what it might mean, which is also stupid because I don’t see how kissing him or touching him makes me any less gay than letting him initiate it. But my mind isn’t exactly the sharpest.

Fortunately, my mind wasn’t working at all at the moment and… he was hard. I honestly couldn’t get past that. It was the only thought I could focus on. And, I have no fucking idea why or what provoked me to do it, but… he was hard and I was hard and I wanted more— and my hand was sliding down his chest, and over his stomach. And I pulled away just a bit to make room…and I touched it—sliding my thumb up his length and over the head.

Shane gasped, breaking our kiss and throwing his head back and it hit the door. Painfully. Not to mention loudly. His eyes were clenched shut and his breath was coming in short and uneven pants and I barely touched him.

“Jesus,” he said in a loud whisper, through his panting. “What are you…are you sure you—Jesus.”

I was terrified. Hearing him speak—and having him question my actions, definitely wasn’t what I needed at the moment and I stepped back, breaking all contact. I stood there, staring at him, eyes wide in disbelief, wondering if it’d be wrong to move him out of the way of the door so I could escape.

“I’m sorry,” I blurted, shaking my head at myself. “I don’t know, I just…” I cringed. “I don’t know.”

Shane, chest still heaving with his breathing, frowned. “Sorry for what?”

“What do you think?” I snapped, turning away from him and pacing the room. If I couldn’t run, that was the next best thing. “Shit.”

“Alright,” Shane said, moving to sit on his bed. “Then why are you sorry?”

And he seriously didn’t know me at all if he thought I was capable of answering that question.

I let out a noise somewhere between a hysterical laugh and a violent sob. “What the fuck am I doing?”

“Jake,” Shane sighed. “Seriously, this isn’t…you need to calm down. It was…good. And I get that you’re not ready…”

I let out a short laugh, staring up at the ceiling. “Please stop talking. And stop analyzing me. I can feel you doing it and I just need to…think.” God, I wished I could think. I wished I could make my brain work so I could figure out what I was supposed to be doing next.

“I’m sorry,” Shane said. “I just meant that…” he shrugged. “You don’t have to be sorry.”

I paused, turning to look at him. “You…freaked out.”

Shane pressed his lips together; eyes alight with something akin to amusement.

“I swear to God, Shane, if you laugh at me now…”

“Shut up,” he sighed, rolling his eyes as he stood and grabbed my wrist to pull me down on the bed. “I didn’t freak out. I was good.” He grinned. “Or… good might not be the right word.”

“Why won’t you stop talking?” I asked, closing my eyes and flopping back onto his bed.

“Because you’re being stupid,” he stated simply. “I wasn’t freaking out. I liked it.”

I don’t know why I found that hard to believe. I just couldn’t get past the fact that he questioned me. He was going to ask me what I was doing. I thought that much should have been obvious, so…the only reason I could think of for his asking was that he didn’t want me to and…I seriously wanted to get the fuck out of there.

“I’ll stop talking,” he said and his voice was a lot closer than I expected it to be. So close I could feel his breath on my ear. “But I’m going to kiss you again.”

My eyes snapped open and I nearly knocked heads with him as I turned to look at him. “Shane…”

“We don’t have to go there,” he interrupted, smiling. “It’s cool. I still want to kiss you.”

And that was… disappointing. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to… I did. At least… I thought I did, I just wasn’t sure about the ‘how’. There was also my intense, if illogical, fear of rejection. But… I did want him. I knew that much.

I was just never going to say it out loud. And closed mouths don’t get fed.

Or…whatever.

“That’s not what… I wasn’t going to say that,” I said, staring at his shoulder, for no reason except that his shoulder was slightly less threatening than his eyes. “I want…there, I just don’t know…”

‘How’ was the word that completed that sentence. I just couldn’t say it. It was… humiliating.

Shane stared at me for a moment, studying me and… I’d come to realize that that look is a lot easier to handle when I don’t have anything to hide. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case at the moment.

“Whatever,” Shane said, leaning in. “I’m going to kiss you now.” It sounded like a question, so I nodded, my heart pounding in my chest almost painfully.

I was shaking. It’s stupid, because it was just a kiss and I’d kissed Shane a ton of times before, but… that one seemed different. It felt different. He’d all but said we didn’t have to go any further than kissing… but I’d pretty much implied that that wasn’t exactly what I wanted. I had no idea what to expect.

“Relax,” he whispered just before his lips touched mine.

The kiss was a gentle one. Soft. I could barely feel his lips and when I tried to deepen the kiss, he pulled away, telling me to relax again. I wanted to. I really did, but it was never going to happen. He had to know that.

I felt his hand travel from my knee, up my thigh and I shook just a little bit more, but he didn’t touch me… not like I was expecting. His hand trailed up, over my stomach to my chest and he pushed me back to lie down, following me, never once breaking the light contact his lips had with mine.

I’d all but lost my erection during my panic attack, but apparently, it wasn’t down for the count. Shane was…I had no idea what he was doing. He was barely touching me at all. He backed off every time I tried to pull him closer and his fingers, playing at my chest were barely there. I wondered if it was me. If maybe I was getting myself worked up over nothing.

But, Shane slipped his tongue out to swipe across my lower lip. It happened so quick I wasn’t sure whether I’d imagined it or not until he did it again. I opened my mouth to let him in, but he back off again.

“Shane,” I sighed, nor longer shaking, but squirming instead. “I’m good, you can—,”

“Shut up,” Shane interrupted, trailing kisses over my cheek and down my chin to my neck. It tickled, but not in an intolerable way. He tongue flicked out against my neck and I was having trouble breathing again. I felt warmth pooling in my stomach and I was having trouble staying still, and for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why. He wasn’t doing anything he hadn’t done before.

His fingers trailed up and down my chest, over and over and that was nothing compared to the touching we’d been doing before, but I felt… sensitive. I liked it, and I liked the feel of his hand and for the first time ever, I wondered what it’d feel like to have him touch me like that without my shirt. Without his.

His hand moved lower, stroking my stomach and my breath hitched, got stuck in my throat, but he didn’t move any further. I breathed a sigh of something like disappointment, which was strange, if you think about it. I would have thought I’d be terrified to let him touch me below the waist, but he hadn’t even gotten close and already I was fighting to keep my hips still and, you know, not make a complete ass out of myself. Again.

His hand moved lower as he tongued the skin just behind my ear and my back arched just a bit off the bed as I anticipated his next move…the one he didn’t make.

He pulled away. “Are you sure you don’t want me to stop.”

If I ever had, I definitely didn’t want him to anymore. I was curious and… turned on and… I wanted him to keep going.

I shook my head.

I hadn’t even finished when he touched me, and then I knew why Shane had ‘freaked out’ earlier.

I took three quick, sharp gasps of air in. I think I meant to take a deep breath, but it didn’t quite work out. I think I was mostly surprised. And nervous, but I definitely wasn’t about to stop him. There was liquid heat pooling in my stomach and my thighs tensed up almost painfully.

I felt him tugging at my zipper, but that didn’t really mean anything at the moment. Neither did the sound when he finally got my fly open. None of it meant anything until I felt his hand, cold as ever against my cock and my body jerked violently all on its own.

Shane froze. “Are you okay?” he asked, and I nodded frantically, chewing my lower lip.

His fingers thrummed along the side of my length, bare fingers against my fucking skin, before moving to grasp my cock lightly and I let out a broken moan. He pulled my cock out of my shorts, and it occurred to me that I was thrusting up into his hand and that I most likely looked ridiculous, lying there, hanging out of my shorts, but… I decided I could freak out about it later.

He gripped me tighter and my stomach tightened as I arched off the bed, and I turned toward him to moan into his neck. Apparently, I was a vocal kind of guy. Strange, because, I wasn’t when I touched myself alone, but I wasn’t about to dwell on it for long.

Shane squeezed once more, swiping his thumb over the head of my cock, lingering at the slit and… it was way too fucking much. He slid his hand down and back up and I was whimpering and I couldn’t stop. My hands tightened in the back of Shane’s shirt, and for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out which words in the English language I was supposed to use to warn him about what was going to happen.

It was too much and I didn’t want it to be over, but it’s not like I really had much choice in the matter. My entire body tensed up and I felt something inside me unraveling as I came, my mouth open in a silent scream.

And for awhile, everything was simple confusion and the sound of my blood rushing in my ears. Unfortunately, that didn’t last long.

Jesus fucking Christ. That was my first thought. Followed shortly thereafter by ‘holy fucking shit’ and ‘fuck me running’.

I was panicking. The thing is, though, I was panicking about the wrong thing—or, I wasn’t panicking about what I would have thought I’d be panicking about. I was freaking out… because I had no idea what the hell I was supposed to say to him.

‘Thanks’ sounded insulting even in my head and everything else I came up with sounded like a line a cheap hooker would use during her after sex cigarette.

And holy fuck, what if he expected me to reciprocate. I’d jacked off before, more times than I could count, but I wasn’t sure if…I wasn’t sure if he’d like it. I wasn’t sure I’d be any good.

I wasn’t sure I was ready.

And fuck me, because… what was supposed to happen next? I had no idea and I could feel Shane staring at me… and I didn’t know what to do about it. It felt wrong to leave him there, hard against my hip, but I couldn’t do anything about it. It felt even worse to just get up and walk out without saying anything because—I wasn’t pissed at him. I just… I needed to think. I needed to think and calm down and…

Bullshit. Thinking never helped. It seemed like the only time I ever got anything done, was when I wasn’t thinking. Like right then. Except… now I was thoroughly fucked and terrified and… what the hell did it mean?

“Holy shit,” I said, out loud.

Shane tensed. “What?” he asked, sitting up a little frantically. “You’re freaking out?” He flinched. “Of course you’re freaking out, that was a stupid question. I mean… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…” He sighed. “Should I take you home—not that I want you to leave, but if you do… I could take you…or I could call one of your friends. Or…your parents.”

If there were magic words in the world to spur me into action, he just said them.

“No,” I snapped horrified. “I don’t… I don’t want to leave.”

Shane sighed, staring at me for a moment before nodding and lying back down at my side. “Okay.”

I sighed and relaxed. I was freaking out and I didn’t know what to say, but I did know that I didn’t want to be around anyone else. And that I wasn’t mad at Shane. It was the opposite; I just… didn’t know what to do. I think mostly… I was afraid of what he was thinking, or of what he would be thinking if I spoke and fucked everything up with my words, or when he realized he wasn’t about to get anything in return from me.

I just… it was better that I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t know what it meant. I just… and Shane just…

And Jesus fucking Christ.

“What?” Shane asked tensing again, because apparently, I said that last bit out loud. This time, I answered him.

“I think I might be gay,” I said, laughing a little crazily as I shook my head. And I mean… yeah, I knew I was gay. That wasn’t what I meant. It just… it occurred to me that almost everything about being gay that I was afraid of…everything I thought was wrong… was a crock of shit. Because, other than my inability to behave like a normal, functional person, I couldn’t find anything wrong with what I’d just done. Ryan didn’t hate me and the world hadn’t opened up and I hadn’t fallen straight to hell.

I was gay… and I thought for the first time, that I might be okay if I stayed that way.

Shane laughed after a moment of silence, the tension draining out of his body all at once.

“Yeah,” he said, chuckling lightly. “Maybe.”