In Due Time - 18. Chapter 18

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move. I swear to fucking God, my heart shuddered to a painful stop in my chest. The muscles in my entire body, literally from my temples to toes tensed tight and I wanted to run.

It was like breathing through a very narrow straw. Or maybe it was like all the walls in the room were caving in. Like…I was getting air, but no matter how much I pulled in, it was never enough, and my chest started to hurt. I could hear Ryan’s voice but I couldn’t make out the words over the blood rushing by my ears. And the room got blurry…but not because I was crying. I wasn’t crying.

Not at all.

I was frozen. I couldn’t fucking move, even with Ryan pulling on my arm, trying to get me to follow him. I just stood there, staring at my mother, while she stood gaping right back at me.

She didn’t look sick. She didn’t look angry. She wasn’t screaming at me, or threatening me with any of the usual punishments. I could have dealt with that. I knew how to respond to that. I’d even given some thought to what I’d say if it ever came to this and she was angry. But…she wasn’t any of those things.

She looked broken.

When I was younger, and I got the chicken pox, my mom put me out on the sofa in front of the television every night. She set everything up so I could switch back and forth between my favorite shows and broke out the old baby monitor just in case I needed something, and about half way through the night, there was an earth quake. It wasn’t bad or anything. There was no broken glass and nothing fell, but I was horrified and my mother came out to grab me and pull me into the doorway. She sat with me, and rocked me through it and right then, my mom was pretty much superwoman as far as I was concerned. And yeah, I was older now and I knew that my mom wasn’t actually superhuman, but still…I kind of still thought of her like that.

But I broke her.

“M-mom,” I croaked, stuttering out a short breath, and when I next inhaled all the air filling my lungs was enough to make me dizzy. “Mom…”

She blinked, her mouth snapping shut. I hadn’t even realized it had dropped open until then. She stared at me for a second longer before she just…turned away. She knelt down and started picking up the clothes on the floor.

“Mom,” I repeated, and I couldn’t have cared any less about the way my voice trembled, and went up at the end, frantic. I wasn’t reading any of this. This wasn’t what was supposed to happen. This wasn’t my worst case scenario. This wasn’t anything I understood. And yes, I was fully panicking.

“Mom, he didn’t mean…it wasn’t…” My cheeks and ears burned and my mouth wasn’t working, but I had to keep trying. I had to do something. “Mom…”

She didn’t say anything. She didn’t even react. Just went about her business, picking up the clothes, and putting them back into the basket.

“Jake,” Ryan whispered, though it was pointless with my mom so close by. I had no doubt she could hear every word. “Come on. We should…come on, Jake.” He was tugging at my arm again, but this time I moved to follow him. Not because I really wanted to leave, I don’t think. I just…I don’t know. My mom wouldn’t look at me. She wouldn’t answer me and I just thought…there was no way she’d let me walk out. I was in trouble. She had to…yell at me, or…something. And it was past my curfew anyway. I was sure she wouldn’t let me walk out the door.

Except…she did. We stepped closer and closer to the front door, and she just picked up one article of clothing after the next and didn’t even glance in my direction. I slowed my pace; fighting against Ryan, who already had the door open and one foot out, but Mom…she didn’t say a fucking word. She didn’t even look up. Socks. T-shirts. Shorts. In the basket. And nothing else.

Ry was tugging more insistently on my arm, forcing me to follow him out the door…away from my mom, and I just couldn’t….I couldn’t just fucking leave. She was my fucking mother and she could be mad, and she could yell…she could do whatever the fuck she wanted to, I just needed her to look at me.

“Mom!” I shouted ripping out of Ryan’s grasp. “Please…”

I moved to kneel in front of her. “Please,” I repeated.

Not a fucking word. She stood up, and looked right through me, and I wasn’t fucking crying, but I couldn’t deal with this. I didn’t know how. This was new and wrong, all wrong. My mother was leaving. She’d grabbed her basket and she was making her way to the stairs, and I moved to follow her, ready to grab her and make her listen, because if I could just…explain, it would be okay. I just needed to explain, but she wouldn’t…she just wouldn’t.

I reached out to grab hold of the basket to…to just stop her, but Ryan got to me first, gripping my arm so tight it almost hurt and hauling me back to the door. And once we were out, he slammed the door before I could go running back in. It was Ryan, not my mother that shut the door to my own house in my face and I knew that, I really did, but…I don’t know.

“I can’t just leave,” I croaked, struggling even as he dragged me down the path toward the driveway. “I have to…I can’t just leave, Ryan, where else am I supposed to go?”

“I don’t know,” Ryan said, forcing me into the car, and into my seatbelt. I wasn’t really putting up as much of a fight as I could have but…I couldn’t fucking breathe and everything was happening so goddamn fast and I just….I needed to…

“Stop, Ryan, I can’t fucking leave!”

“Yes, you can,” he replied, and he wasn’t looking at me either.

“I have to go back. She’s…she’s just mad, and if I can talk to her, I can tell her…”

“Tell her what?” Ryan snapped, slamming my door shut and really he wasn’t the one with a reason to be mad. He just….I mean, I knew it was an accident, but this whole thing was his fault, so why was he yelling?

“Ry…” I said when he climbed into the car on his side.

“No, what are you going to tell her, Jake?” he pressed, starting the car. “You gonna go in and tell her I was just fucking with you? That we were just bullshitting? Not gonna work. You’re fucking crying, dude. She’s not going to buy it. She’s being a fucking twat and we are leaving until we can figure out what to do. ”

I shook my head. I heard every word he said, and none of it was really flying with me.

“She’s my mom,” I said. “I just…I’ll talk to her and…I’ll be in trouble but it’ll be fine. She’s my mom.”

“What the fuck ever,” Ry shot back. “She wasn’t acting like it. She was acting like you weren’t anything.”

And really, that was right at the top of the list for things I really did not need to hear.

“Like you were any better?” I snapped, and let out a derisive snort, pulling off my seatbelt, even though the car was already moving and getting out would probably be one of my not so smart ideas.

“I got over it,” he said, softer, and not just a little guilty. “And I at least talked to you. I…fucked up, but I didn’t fucking act like you didn’t exist.”

“You wouldn’t look at me either.” I sighed, shaking my head. This wasn’t going down. It was going to be okay. Ryan was there still and he’d been just as bad. “She was just…shocked. She…I can talk to her, she just needs—,”

“Time?” Ry cut me off cold. “Good. She’ll get it. Now shut the fuck up and put your seatbelt back on. I’m not taking you back. You can chill at mine tonight. Just until she cools down.”

But really…mom had seemed perfectly cool to me. She was too cool. That was the problem. She wasn’t angry or disappointed or anything I was even remotely familiar with her being. She was cold. She checked out on me completely.

“And,” Ryan added, taking a breath. “We’re definitely not going back until after your dad has had a chance to…I don’t know.”

Christ I’d completely forgotten about my dad. It’d be too much to hope that my mom wouldn’t tell him, and I was sure that no matter how badly my mom was taking it, he was going to be so much worse.

It was easy to forget sometimes, that Ryan had been there for so much. That he knew my parents too. And yeah, maybe he was right. Going home wasn’t the smartest of ideas right now.

“Where are we going?” I asked when Ry took a turn down a street I knew but had never really had a reason to go down before.

“I don’t know,” Ry replied shortly.

“Well, what’s the plan, are we just…driving?”

“I don’t know, Jake.”

“Are we—,”

“I don’t fucking know, Jake!” he yelled, slamming his fist against the steering wheel. I jumped when the car horn rang out loud throughout the neighborhood. He clenched his jaw tight and pulled the car over, jerking me in my seat as he did so.

“Ryan…” I said, careful and hesitant and no, I’ve never really been scared of Ry. He was my best friend and I grew up learning his strengths and wrestling with him or whatever, but even I knew when it was time to back off.

But really…why the fuck was he falling apart. It was…I felt entitled. This was my life falling apart not his and it was my time to fucking freak out.

“Fuck,” Ryan muttered, closing his eyes and taking a breath before turning to look at me. “Fuck, Jake, I’m sorry. I’m…really fucking sorry. And I’ll figure something out, but you need to…I’m sorry, bro, but you need to shut the fuck up and give me a second to think.”

He was breathing heavily, and looking straight ahead, like he couldn’t really meet my eyes. But not in the way he’d done when he was pissed at me. It was more like he was pissed at himself.

So, I nodded once and sat back in my seat, buckling my seatbelt once more. Ry spared a second to shoot me a grateful look before he was pulling back onto the road.

He just drove. I wasn’t sure where he was going and I didn’t ask. I just sat there, my face stinging as the cold air from my open window hit my face, watching the lights and street signs and buildings and shit go by in a blur. My shoulders started to ache from how tense I was. I felt like I was still waiting, and I think I was. It didn’t matter how long I was gone, I’d have to go home eventually. And I’d have to deal with it.

Unless I couldn’t go home.

…And that was a train of thought I just couldn’t get on. There was no way I’d be able to think about it without getting sick. My mind was racing and I tried turning on the music, but it was more a distraction than anything. Instead of helping to block my panicked thoughts, it confused everything and I couldn’t deal. So I turned it off and was left with nothing but silence.

And somehow, it fucking helped. Not at first. I worked myself up and started hyperventilating trying to figure out what to do, but the more I thought about it—no matter how I spun it, there just…wasn’t anything. I couldn’t fix this. And then, after somewhere around an hour of driving with absolutely no destination, I thought…maybe I don’t even want to. Maybe, I just want to be done.

I don’t know what it was but something about being in that car, in the complete silence, calmed me. I think I’m always trying to run away from what I’m thinking. With everything, not just Shane. Not just…my secret. Literally everything from a test that I’m stressing about passing or…the end of my fucking life as I know it. I was always trying to ignore all of my issues. Always so determined to drown out all my thoughts in whatever noise I could find and maybe… maybe that wasn’t the best way to deal with anything.

I had time to think now though, and as soon as the thought entered my mind—maybe I could just be finished—something just fucking cleared and I could breathe. I stopped shaking. I relaxed. I was still terrified, but it wasn’t the same. There was something else there. Something like anticipation.

“I think I’m gonna go back, Jake,” Ryan said when we finally came to a stop. “I can talk to them for you. Tell your mom it was just a joke. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe, if you’re not there, I can convince her.”

I shook my head, staring out at one of those tiny trees the city plants along the sidewalks. .

“It’s not going to make a difference,” I said, and my voice sounded way too far away to be coming from me.

I wasn’t actually sure that was true, but it didn’t matter. I didn’t want him to take it back. I was horrified. And not in the way people usually say they’re horrified, and they don’t really mean it. I was really piss in my pants, ‘oh my god, I probably should have brought an extra pair’ terrified. But I was almost…curious, I guess. I could take it back before it was too late, or I could ride it out and see if maybe Ryan wasn’t just a fluke. Maybe…it could really be okay. And having this happen was the only way I’d really know for sure.

It was just…so tiring being scared all the time. At least this way, if it got bad…really bad, I could just deal with it and I wouldn’t have to stress myself out being worried about it. I was terrified right then, but it couldn’t be worse than being scared forever. I could do this and once it was over… I could just let it go finally. It happened. That’s it. The end.

Or something.

Ryan... Ryan had been almost as bad as my dad, and he turned out okay. Maybe…

Maybe.

I was trying to hold on to that.

“They’ll believe me, Jake,” Ryan said, and it was almost funny, the way he was trying to convince me when he clearly didn’t believe it himself. He said as much earlier.

I felt… almost resigned to just take whatever was coming and finally be able to move on, but Ryan looked about ready to completely lose his shit. “I joke like that all the time,” he went on, clutching the steering wheel, knuckles white. “And you don’t even have to come with me. You can stay here and wait.”

I swear, we’d been sitting in his parked car a good fifteen minutes and it wasn’t until right then when he brought it up, that I finally looked around to see where the fuck ‘here’ was.

And holy shit. “You brought me to Shane’s? Like, without being told?”

Ry jerked his head to glare at me. Because, apparently my crisis was totally not enough to keep him off my ass for awhile.

“Shut the fuck up,” he snapped. “I don’t like him, but you do and I didn’t know where else you’d want to go, and I was panicking.”

I snorted, and I couldn’t tell you who was more shocked that I was laughing, me or Ryan. And I couldn’t stop. I laughed until my eyes watered and I wasn’t even really all that sure what was funny but I kept laughing. I laughed until my cheeks hurt and my stomach muscles protested and then I laughed more.

“Dude,” Ryan said, looking around like he was hoping someone might come out and direct him to the nearest mental institute. “What the fuck are you laughing about? I’m really not seeing the funny here?”

“You…” I choked and took a deep breath before trying again, shoulders still shaking with laughter. “You’re panicking?” I asked, incredulous. “You?”

I wasn’t sure why it was funny, but I couldn’t stop. Maybe because Ry’s usually the one to keep his cool, while I freak out about the small things, and now when it was actually something substantial, I was the one keeping calm, while he panicked.

And it wasn’t even about him.

I cracked up just a little bit more.

“Right,” Ry said, over my laughter when it didn’t look like I was going to stop anytime soon. He opened his door. “I’m just gonna go knock. Get your boy out here.”

“No,” I gasped, coughing now. “I don’t want you to talk to my parents.”

He slammed his door back into place before snapping, “Then what the fuck do I do?”

That shut me up. I don’t think I’ve ever stopped laughing so quickly before. Usually it slowly tapers off, but I stopped cold when he yelled, slamming his hands down on the steering wheel.

“I’m sorry,” he said, immediately, looking genuinely contrite. “I’m just…I got nothing here, Jake. You’ve got to tell me what you need me to do, because…I don’t know. I know what to do if Shane ever slips up, and I know what to do when Chlo’s pissed, and I know what to do when you get into shit at school, but I have nothing right now. I’m fucking lost so you need to tell me what I’m supposed to do.”

For a minute, I just stared at him in shock. He wasn’t kidding when he said he was panicking. He wasn’t even exaggerating a little. I could see him so tense he was nearly shaking with it, and his face was so fucking pale he looked about ready to be sick, and I didn’t get it.

“I’m really fucking sorry,” Ry said. “I didn’t know she was home. Her car wasn’t there and…I know your dad…Jesus, Jake, I’m really sorry. Just tell me what you want me to do, and it’ll be done.”

I briefly thought about telling him it wasn’t his fault, but I figured it wouldn’t matter if I said it. I settled for reaching over, and resting a hand on his shoulder, giving it a squeeze. He relaxed a little. Not much.

I sighed, letting my hand fall back to my side. “Can we just… I wanna keep driving,” I said and I was just full of fucking surprises this night. “Just for a little while longer. I don’t wanna be anywhere. I just…wanna keep riding.”

We were going to have to get gas, and I knew how much Ryan hated wasting it, but he had offered and I just didn’t care. I’d pay him back.

Except… Ryan didn’t seem bothered at all. Actually he looked slightly mollified at having something to do and nodded, turning his key in the ignition once more. “Yeah,” he said softly, biting his lip. “I can do that.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It wasn’t until after the first time we stopped for gas that I started crying again. Really crying. Heaving breaths, full bodied sobbing and all. I started and I couldn’t really stop. And the thing is, I don’t even really know why. There was so much. I couldn’t pick out one specific reason and I wasn’t really all that interested in trying.

“Christ, Jake,” Ryan whispered when the sobbing got to be too much to ignore and pulled the car over.

He stared at me for long moments while I wiped at my face until my cheeks felt raw and irritated. It didn’t matter how much I dragged my sleeve across my eyes, the tears just kept coming. I couldn’t stop.

I hadn’t changed my mind. I still fully intended to ride it out. It was…I was just done with this. It was too much. All of it, and maybe that’s why I was crying like a little bitch. It was a fucking lot to deal with.

Ryan sighed and reached across the front seat to fist a hand in the back of my shirt to drag me forward. “We’re going to have to play so much football when this is done. Or…boxing. We could try boxing.”

I wasn’t hearing him. And…even if the words made any sense at all to me, I was done talking for the night.

“If you tell anyone about this…” he let it hang.

And he held on until I could finally stop hiccupping.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I didn’t notice Ryan was taking me back toward my house until we turned onto my street. And if I had any energy at all, I might have panicked, even when he did make it a point to pull into Chloe’s driveway instead of parking on the side of the road. He’d been talking to me pretty much non-stop since I stopped the waterworks, but I wasn’t taking anything in. In fact, he probably told me where were going for all I was paying attention.

When the door opened at Chloe’s, we didn’t even have time to get a good look at who was answering before a cell phone came flying through the doorway to hit Ryan right in the chin. Really, I’m just glad it wasn’t me because…well ouch, for one thing. Also harsh. And insane.

“Jesus, Chlo, what the fuck?” Ryan said rubbing at his mouth.

Chloe didn’t look the least bit apologetic. “I figured I should give you mine. Since neither of you guys know how to answer your own.”

Uhm…I didn’t even have my cell phone. Whatever. Besides which, the one she just threw was in three pieces on the ground now, but I’m pretty sure that wasn’t the point.

Ry just looked at her like she was crazy. I could not blame him. Girls, dude. Girls.

“Your dad came over,” Chloe said turning her glare on me, and for the first time in hours, I felt my heart start to race in my chest. “He looked…I don’t know. He talked to my mom. I’ve lived across the street from you, like, my entire life and your dad has never come over here. I thought you were dead.”

“You’re really way more dramatic than I thought you were,” Ryan commented absently as he bent down to pick up the pieces of her phone.

Chloe narrowed her eyes on him. “I’m not actually afraid to hit you,” she replied.

He rolled his eyes. “And I have the bruises to prove it.” He turned his head and whispered loudly, “she’s fucking abusive, dude.”

I didn’t laugh. I was still totally nonresponsive and yeah, I was totally aware that I was freaking everyone out, which probably wasn’t fair considering I wasn’t doing that bad. I just…wasn’t doing great either. I was exhausted and I didn’t feel like talking. So, I didn’t.

Chloe actually stomped a foot on the ground. “Will someone please tell me what the fuck is going on?”

“Let’s just… go inside,” Ryan put in and no. Not happening. Chloe wasn’t moving.

She sighed, all put upon, but I was not interested. I really didn’t care how out of the loop she felt right then. I shook my head, glancing over my shoulder at my house. The lights weren’t even on.

I wasn’t going home.

It hadn’t occurred to me until right then. I mean, I didn’t even want to go home yet. It wasn’t the time, especially not if my dad knew, but they weren’t even waiting up.

I took a deep breath. The weird Zen thing I had going on? It wasn’t going to survive too much more of this.

“What the fuck is going on?” Chloe repeated, voice getting louder with every word.

“Chloe,” Ryan snapped, and I actually jumped at how loud he was. So did Chloe. “Can we please just come inside?”

She pushed her door open wider to allow us in and as soon as the door was shut behind us she turned to look at us expectantly. Her parents weren’t around. I didn’t know if they were sleeping or gone or whatever and I didn’t know if I even cared if they heard but there was no one around except us.

I still couldn’t actually bring myself to tell her. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t even really want to think about it. I was exhausted and all I wanted was to curl up on a couch somewhere and pass out. I didn’t have to deal with anything if I was sleeping and I was all for taking advantage of the fact that I was too tired to toss and turn and over think everything to the end of the universe and back.

I looked at her, shook my head, and walked right past her toward her room. She’s usually so good at figuring out when to back off, and I loved her, I really did, but I wished she’d take a fucking hint right then.

Neither she nor Ryan followed me. Good. He could tell her. I really didn’t give a fuck.

I’d barely made it up the stairs when I heard Chloe thundering up behind me. For someone so tiny, she had really heavy footsteps.

“Jake,” she said as she approached, features tight, eyebrows furrowed, and remorse shining clear in her eyes. She didn’t say sorry though.

She fucking attacked. Threw all her body weight into hugging me. And judging by the look on Chloe’s face, it was probably an asshole move on my part, but the best I could offer was an awkward pat on the back before grabbing her arms to untangle myself.

Ry stepped up behind her, shaking his head, and I’m pretty sure that if it had been any other day he would have been laughing, but it wasn’t. And he didn’t laugh.

I turned back toward Chloe’s room without saying a word to either of them. I just wanted to rest. It was early, but I was so fucking tired I felt ready to fall asleep on my feet, and honestly, Chloe’s beanbags had so much more potential.

But I opened Chloe’s door to yet another surprise, and wondered vaguely whether or not it was feasible for someone my age, fully healthy and athletic even, to die of a heart attack.

“Chloe?” Ry said, shooting her a glare as he threw his hands in the air. “What the fuck?”

“I thought he could help,” she snapped back, shrugging, unapologetic. “I couldn’t fucking find you guys and I was worried.”

Shane stood there, ignoring both Chloe and Ryan as he looked to me to decide whether I wanted him there or not. And the thing is, before I saw him—before he was standing right in front of me—I would have told anyone that asked that I didn’t want him there. I didn’t want to talk about it. Even if there was a way to fix it. I didn’t even want to think about it, but…he looked warm and worried and fuck if I gave a shit that Ryan and Chlo were right there, I just wanted him close.

“Hey,” I said, so softly it should have been impossible for him to have heard me over the cat fight Ry and Chlo were having, but they shut up immediately, whipping around to look at me. And yeah, maybe I’d been somewhat catatonic, but seriously, it wasn’t that big of a deal.

“Hey,” Shane replied, before striding across the room to stand in front of me. He lifted his hand, like he was going to reach for me, but he dropped it again before it even came close.

I couldn’t really say whether it was the fact that I had way too much on my mind already to give a shit, or because everyone knew already and it just didn’t matter anymore, or maybe I was just tired.

But it didn’t really matter why. The point was that I really didn’t give a shit anymore, at least not right then, and I reached out, gripping his wrist and tugging as I walked passed hoping he’d get the hint and follow.

He always was smart. I moved to sit down on my favorite bean bag, and Shane slid down to sit right next to me, and I was sure that Ryan probably had some kind of reaction to that, but I just did not give a fuck.

Shane lifted his arm to sling it around my shoulders, pulling me closer, and I took a breath, sighing at the way the remaining chaos inside my chest or stomach or wherever the fuck just…settled down and the sharp ache behind my eyes subsided until I could barely feel it.

“God, you are such a douche,” I heard Ry say from across the room, and I opened my eyes just in time to see Chloe smack the hell out of him.

At first, I thought he was talking about me. He’d been trying to get me to talk since we’d left Shane’s and I thought he might be… I don’t know, pissed that I’d decided to actually say something to Shane and not him or Chloe, but that was stupid.

Ryan wasn’t stupid.

“Uhm, ow? Psycho,” Ryan said, giving her his best ‘what the fuck’ look. “He is a douche. All that glaring is unnecessary, it’s not like I was going to say anything.” Chloe continued to stare at him, and Ry actually fucking wilted under it before clenching his jaw and turning to Shane. “Sorry,” he said, stiffly.

“It’s cool,” Shane said, barely above a whisper. “Me too.” His fingers tightened where they rested against my shoulder, almost like he was hugging me from the side and I yawned letting my eyes drift shut again.

Only to open them again when Chloe cleared her throat. “We’re just gonna go…be somewhere else,” she said, reaching for Ry’s arm to give it a tug, before turning to grab her door handle.

“Wait,” I said, wincing at the way my voice cracked. Chloe turned back around to look at me, and just…stood there, ready to run and get me whatever I needed.

Which is why I said, “You can stay.” Because my friends are kind of awesome, and I really didn’t want them to leave. I had no desire to really curl up in their arms or whatever I was doing with Shane but I didn’t want them to go. I wanted them close. They were what I had. They knew and they still wanted me to stick around.

I wanted them to stick around too.

“Are you sure?” Ryan asked, arms folded across his chest.

I nodded. “If you want,” I said, mostly because I remembered that the world doesn’t actually revolve around me and they may have just been leaving to be…alone.

God, that was never going to stop being weird.

Chloe about raced across the room to sit in front of me and she actually grabbed one of my hands and pulled it into her lap as soon as she sat down, like she’d wanted to do it since I got there, and she was just waiting for my permission.

I totally didn’t give her permission, but whatever. I didn’t mind that much.

Ryan took his time moving across the room, and he hovered, like he didn’t really know where he belonged. And I would have laughed at the look on his face any other day. I almost did laugh when he sighed and rolled his eyes at himself before sliding down the wall to sit on my other side, glaring at both Shane and Chloe, before looking at me.

“I’m not going to hold your hand or anything,” he stated, decisively. “I’m just…here. Whatever.”

And then everyone just sat there. It was a little awkward for me at first. It was like they were all there for me and I felt a little…pressured. Like they were all waiting for me to break down, or talk or something, but…it wasn’t like that.

It was nice. As far as I knew, these people were all I had. It was…safe there. It felt that way, at least.

Not even a minute passed before Ryan was tapping out the beat to some song on the hardwood floors, and I wasn’t sure if it was for my benefit or his, but I was grateful nonetheless. I got the feeling that it was annoying Shane, but he didn’t say anything. I knew it was annoying Chloe, but she squeezed my hand a little tighter and dealt with it.

And I…I relaxed. I sank back into the bean bag, let myself lean on Shane, and just let myself breathe, following the beat of Ryan’s fingers tapping the ground.

“I don’t think I can go home,” I said, to no one in particular. Shane tensed up beside me, and Ryan’s fingers stopped momentarily. I don’t think anyone was even breathing.

Except me. I was…okay. But it needed to be said, because as cool as Chloe’s mom was, there was no way in hell she was letting three boys stay the night in the house, much less Chloe’s room.

“Jake…” Shane said, shifting on the ground to look at me. “Did…your parents…do they…” he sighed, visibly struggling to figure out a way to word whatever he was going to say. He looked between Ryan and Chloe, and lowered his voice, like it would matter and asked, “Is it your parents?”

I raised an eyebrow. “Yeah,” I said, frowning. Mostly because it had completely slipped my mind that Shane didn’t know what was going on.

Shane bit his lip and nodded, letting his arm slip from my shoulders, and I objected immediately. In my head. Really, I just frowned some more. It was my thing for the night.

Shane swallowed. “Did you…did you try talking to them?”

He looked nervous, shoulders pulled up against his neck, muscles straining. He was even twiddling his fucking thumbs. Like…literally. And I had no idea why.

I sighed and dropped my head back against the wall behind me, closing my eyes against the pain when my head hit.

“I tried,” I said, simply. I leaned in closer to him, hoping he’d use his brains to take a hint but he didn’t.

“What do you mean? What happened?” he went on. And yeah, he was kind of out of the loop, but I wasn’t in the mood to relive the whole thing. But Shane was fidgeting and biting his lip and…I could give him the short version. I just needed a minute.

“Jake…” Shane said with a sigh, when I didn’t respond right away, and I opened my mouth to just throw it all out there, but Ryan beat me to the punch.

“Dude, will you shut the fuck up? He doesn’t wanna talk about it.”

And okay, not exactly what I was going to say, not even close. I wasn’t expecting that. I was used to Ryan sticking up for me. That wasn’t new. I just wasn’t use to it happening when I didn’t really need it. I appreciated the sentiment but…I was good right then, and I really didn’t need Shane and Ryan getting into it.

“Ryan?” I asked, but his attention was fully on Shane.

I turned to Shane, but he was glaring right back and not helping at all.

“I just wanted to know what…” Shane started but Ryan cut him off clean.

“No one gives a shit what you want,” he said, and I wondered if this was even about me. Neither of them was listening to what I might have to say about any of it.

I opened my mouth to tell them both to shut the fuck up, but it didn’t really work out quite like I planned.

“I can’t go home,” I said, and frowned at myself. I hadn’t even been thinking about that. In any case, it worked and both of them shut up and turned to look at me.

I bit my lip and turned to Shane. I didn’t want to talk about it, but he still looked fucking wrecked and I didn’t know why. I wanted to give him something. Anything to make him stop looking at me like that.

“My mom,” I started and immediately stopped, choking on that familiar lump in my throat. I kept thinking that I was over it. At least, over it enough to stop crying like a little bitch baby. I kept talking myself up, and telling myself that it wasn’t as bad as I thought and I even believed it but that didn’t stop my eyes welling up every time I thought of my mom.

I cleared my throat, closed my eyes and started again.

“She’s not...she’s not okay,” I said, which wasn’t the whole story, or really any of the story, but it was the best I could do at the moment. “She’s not talking to me. She’s…not looking at me.”

The plan had been to tell him that she wasn’t talking to me and that she was going to tell my dad. And leave it at that. That was enough of a reason to not go home, but I was really less worried about how my dad was going to react and more worried about the way my mom already had. I could deal with the silence. I could have dealt with yelling.

But she just…blanked me. She wasn’t sad, or hurt, or angry or anything. She gave me…nothing. I had nothing to go on and I was scared, no matter how much I tried to talk myself out of it, which was a new thing for me entirely. Usually I’m my own worst enemy. I’m always working myself up, making everything worse than it really was, but not this time. I was actually making an effort to stay cool about this. And…

She just…she wasn’t looking at me. Like I didn’t even exist. And I was fucking scared.

I took another deep breath and literally tried to shake it off with a shrug.

I swallowed passed the lump in my throat once more and exhaled. “I just can’t go home tonight.”

“You can crash at mine,” Ryan spoke up, finally leaving off glaring at Shane.

“Or,” Shane put in softly, eyes boring into mine. “Or, you could crash at mine. If you want.”

Well…fuck. I was pretty sure he wasn’t trying to proposition me in front of my friends. I was positive he was doing exactly what Ryan was; trying to let me know I had someplace to go, but there was only one way that sentence was going to be taken.

I winced and turned to look at Ryan, to see how he was reacting to…that, but he was purposefully looking in the other directions, his fingers tapping out that beat again against the ground.

My eyes widened and I think I was more surprised by Ryan right then than Shane’s offer. I was more surprised by him than anything that had happened that night. I’m a little slow sometimes, but I fully understood what he was doing. Or rather, what he wasn’t doing. He wasn’t making a big deal. He was letting me decide.

I don’t think anything else could have made me feel even a little bit better right then. Ryan had been pretty bad too. And, thinking back, Ryan hadn’t wanted to look at me right away, either. I mean, he’d talked to me, and fought with me, unlike my mom, but maybe I was right. Maybe it wasn’t that bad.

I shot Ryan a smile, even though he wasn’t looking at me and if we were the type of friends that hugged or any of that shit, I might have reached out in some way to let him know how awesome he was. As it was, I just cleared my throat and turned back to face Shane.

“Uh,” I said, and bit my lip. “Yeah, I…yeah. Okay.”

“Okay,” Shane whispered, and when the room was quiet again, he frowned, staring at where Ryan’s fingers were tapping against the ground.

I cringed inwardly, praying he wouldn’t say anything about it. Not when Ryan was being so…cool about everything. But, no one ever listens to me. Not even whatever gods could hear my prayers.

“Dude,” Shane said to Ryan, face scrunching up in a grimace. “California Girls? How do you even know that song?”

Ryan stopped his drumming and narrowed his eyes on Shane for a moment before he snorted, rolling his eyes.

“Fuck off,” he said, shrugging. “You obviously know it too.”

“Oh my…” Chloe started, eyes widening, lit with amusement, already shaking with laughter. “Jesus, Ry, Katy Perry? Thought it was Jake going through the whole gay crisis.”

And yeah, I could have let that bother me. But I didn’t. My chest tightened up, the muscles in my stomach clenched, and when I started laughing, it was awhile before I could make myself stop.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was quiet at Shane’s house. I’d been there often enough over the past couple months and it wasn’t until right then that I realized how loud it generally is when I come over. There’s always something going on. Shane’s sisters are crying or his brother is playing his music too loud or his mom is watching TV and overpowering the volume on the TV with heavy coughs. Or all of the above at once.

There was nothing this time when we entered. It was so dark I could hardly see Shane’s outline in front of me and if that wasn’t enough to let me in on the fact that everyone was asleep, the way Shane reached around me to gently ease the door shut with a soft ‘thud’ was.

He slipped off his shoes before grabbing my wrist to lead me through the dark, and I was grateful. I doubted I could navigate my own home in the dark, much less his. And even with his help, I nearly tripped walking up the stairs.

“You alright?” he whispered, gripping my wrist as he hauled me up until I was standing at the top of the stairs. The move brought me close enough to him to feel his chest up against mine, my face hovering somewhere near his neck and I closed my eyes, sighing. He smelled good.

“Jake?” he asked, pulling back to look at me.

“I’m good,” I whispered, shaking my head. I tried to pull away but Shane’s wasn’t letting go of my wrist. He stood there a moment longer just staring at me and I… I let him. I was too tired to let it really get to me. Or maybe I was finally getting used to it.

“Okay,” he said after another moment. His grip on my wrist slackened, but he didn’t release me. Just slide his fingers down to twine with mine, and after a moment of indecision—just one small moment because come on I wasn’t used to holding hands with anyone, much less a boy—I gripped his fingers back and followed him to his room.

His room. With his bed. I was supposed to stay the entire night. With Shane. In his bed. In his room.

I probably should have thought it through before I accepted this invitation.

“Uhm,” I said intelligently when Shane locked the door behind us.

“’Uhm’ what? Shane asked. He lifted an eyebrow and smirked because obviously, he is a douche bag.

It shouldn’t have been a big deal. I’d been in his room—in his bed before and I literally had my cock in his mouth only hours before, so it really shouldn’t have been a big deal. I should have been able to just sleep there, no problem, but I couldn’t move. I just stood there, staring at all of the pillows and the comforter that was falling onto the floor wondering why the fuck I didn’t go to Ryan’s or even just stay on Chloe’s couch. Her mom loves me. She might have let me. Maybe.

It occurred to me then, that my mom would flip shit if she knew I was spending the night with someone I could end up actually doing something with and…

And I totally had better things to panic about. Freaking out about his bed was stupid and I frowned as soon as I realized it, shaking my head at myself. I was officially the most ridiculous person I knew.

“Hey,” Shane said, voice going soft as he laid a gentle hand on my shoulder. “You okay?”

That seemed like a silly question, but I guessed it wasn’t considering I didn’t even know the answer to it. I was all over the place. A fucking mess.

So, I just shrugged, kicked off my shoes and hopped onto Shane’s bed without letting myself think about it. Whatever. It was just a bed. For sleeping.

Shane looked for a moment like he might have something to say. He stood there looking at me for so long, I was just about ready to snap at him to just say it, but he turned away before I had the chance to get too worked up about it.

He moved over to his dresser and started to take off his clothes for bed, and it was weird the way I didn’t think twice about that. He stripped down to his boxers and I didn’t even flinch. It could have been the fact that I’d seen him in much less while changing for swim practice or a meet, or it could have been that I was still wearing all of my clothes and I knew Shane wouldn’t push. If nothing else, he proved that much earlier. I was the only one pushing then and as much as I’d hated it, it was comforting to remember.

He practically tiptoed over to the bed and shot me a questioning glance when he went to pull back the covers of his bed. I nodded like I actually had any right to tell him no. It was his bed, not mine. But he still slid in gently, careful to keep as much distance between us as possible, before he reached over to his nightstand to grab the remote for his stereo to put some music on.

I smiled at him when he settled in, facing me. My near panic attack a few seconds earlier seemed so stupid when I really stopped to think about it. I could sleep on top of Shane and he’d never do anything about it. Pretty much everything he’d done so far let me know I could be as comfortable as I wanted there. And everything he was doing now…

Shane was kind of awesome.

“You sleep with music on?” I asked, keeping my voice at a whisper.

He shook his head against his pillow, smiling back at me. “No,” he replied with a one armed shrugged. “Just thought it’d help.”

“Help what?”

He shrugged again. “You,” he said simply.

And the thing is…he was probably right. I wasn’t thinking about it, but I’d probably be a lot less…mellow if he hadn’t turned on the music. I’d have felt pressured to talk, or do something, but it’d never gotten that far. I felt something warm inside my chest and it should’ve been impossible after the night I was having but I felt good—warm and relaxed just laying there with him. Even if I could have gone home, I wouldn’t have wanted to.

“I think I should hate you,” I whispered, moving closer to him without giving it much thought. It was probably a weird thing to say, but whatever. If Shane knew me enough to make me comfortable without even trying, he definitely already knew I was a freak.

“Yeah?” he said, frowning as he tucked a hand under his cheek, but he didn’t look offended.

I nodded. “I don’t, though,” I said. I reached out to rest my fingers on his elbow. Just to touch. To be close. He lifted his arm without a word and slung it across my waist, pulling closer as he did.

“Why?” he asked, his breath ghosting across my forehead.

“Why don’t I hate you?” I asked frowning, as I tried to inhale his scent without letting him know I was doing it.

“Why do you think you should,” he clarified.

I wasn’t really sure how to answer that. I knew that I would have, at one point, blamed this entire thing on him. And it was true that none of it would be happening if he weren’t there. Or…it wouldn’t be happening like this, anyway. But I couldn’t blame him either way. Not anymore.

“I don’t know,” I said after a moment. “I was gay before…you. I just used to be a freak about it.”

“Really? Used to be, huh?” Shane said, full of sarcasm and I didn’t need to look up at him to know he was smirking.

“Shut up,” I snorted, shoving him slightly, only to pull him right back. “If they hate me,” I continued, sobering. “It’s not because it’s you. It’s because it’s me.”

I wasn’t even sure that made sense. Actually, I was pretty sure it didn’t, but it was the best way I knew how to explain it. I don’t know when I had time to think about it, but I knew that things wouldn’t be different if Shane weren’t in the picture at all. If all that my mom overheard was Ryan saying that I was gay, I was sure nothing would be different, even if there weren’t another boy involved. The problem wasn’t Shane. The problem was me. And I wasn’t going to change even if there wasn’t a ‘Shane’ involved.

He wrapped his arm tighter around me, pulling me closer and I was just…really, really glad there was a Shane involved.

“You could tell her that it was me,” Shane said, voice so soft I almost missed it, and I immediately didn’t like where this was going.

“What?” I said, louder than I intended, ignoring the way the springs in his mattress protested as I lifted up on my elbow to look at him.

Shane shrugged. “You could tell her it was my fault. Like…I don’t know.” He shifted, uncomfortable as I continued to stare.

“Like Colin did?” I asked, my voice flat. “Yeah, no thanks. Fuck that.” I shook my head. “You tell Colin it was alright for him to do it?”

“No,” Shane said, brow furrowing. “No, I just…well, it worked for him. And…I kinda like you more.”

“Shane,” I said with a sigh, and I lied back down. “No. I don’t…just…I’m not gonna do that.”

“Okay,” he said simply, wrapping his arm back around me. “Cool.”

We lay there for long minutes just listening to the music as Shane stroked his hand up and down my back. I was…comfortable. More relaxed than I could ever remember being, but I wasn’t even close to drifting off to sleep. I would have thought that after the day I’d had, I’d fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow and I was exhausted. Just not…tired.

I probably had one hell of a day to look forward to and I wasn’t in any rush to get there. I wasn’t ready to deal with whatever was going to happen tomorrow.

“Wanna know something?” Shane said, jarring me out of my thoughts.

“Huh?” I said, burrowing in closer. I had no idea what the fuck was wrong with me, but I needed to be close. I wasn’t used to being able to do this. Being able to touch and want and take and have it be okay. My situation really couldn’t get any worse and this—Shane—was actually the best part of it, not the worst. I just…wanted and I didn’t have to pretend like I didn’t anymore.

“I don’t even like Quesadillas,” he said, and that was so far from what I thought he was going to say, that my responding laugh was a surprise to even me and way louder than I intended.

“Shh,” Shane said, pulling back a little bit to look at me. “My parents don’t actually let me have boys spend the night in my bed.”

His eyes were bright with mirth, even in the soft light in his room and I didn’t think twice about it, I just lifted up, sliding my hand around his neck to pull him close enough to press my lips against his.

This. This is what I wanted. I wanted to cut out everything that had happened from the time that Shane left my house up to this moment. I’d been fucking elated earlier. It was literally like nothing could bring me down and this was what I wanted. All I was looking forward to from the moment it stopped and Shane had to go home. Just this.

Shane slipped his hand under my shirt and I gasped at the feel of his fingers against my stomach, my muscles clenching against the cold.

I felt…needy. I needed to get closer. To feel more. I wanted to know what his chest would feel like against mine. I wanted to taste it again. I wanted to touch and I didn’t want to think about anything else. I wanted to have this without feeling guilty and terrified every second.

I ripped away from his lips, actually keeping eye contact as long as I could as I sat up to pull my shirt over my head.

“Jake,” Shane said, sitting up with me. I pushed him back down.

“Shut up,” I said, shaking my head. “I wanna…just shut up, okay?”

Shane laughed, shaking his head at me. “Yeah,” he said, tone almost fond. “Okay.”

He grabbed my arm and pulled me back down into him and just…looked at me.

And I actually looked back. Held his gaze and it felt good to look. I felt closer, and who the fuck knew why, but I liked. I didn’t want it to stop.

“Kiss me,” I demanded, and I wasn’t even embarrassed by how obviously needy I was behaving. I wanted…

I just wanted.

I groaned at the feel of Shane’s chest pressed against mine when he pulled me in for another kiss, and I wrapped both my arms around him, rolling until I could feel his weight pressing against me and, God, this. I wanted so much more of this.

I wrapped a leg around the back of Shane’s thigh, pulling him hard against me as I thrust up, breaking away from his lips to muffle a groan in his shoulder, totally unashamed. I wasn’t even thinking. I wasn’t worried he didn’t want it and I wasn’t thinking about anyone finding out or what anyone would think. I really just did not give a flying fuck.

I had no idea how I got here. Zero to fucking sixty in no time flat. I was desperate and I couldn’t stop. I didn’t even want to.

I thrust again, gripping Shane tight when he tried to pull away, using one had to hold him in place at the hips and the other to pull him back down to kiss him again. I really liked kissing him.

“Jake,” Shane said against my lips, and I tried not to whimper when he pulled away.

“Don’t stop,” I said plaintively, lifting up to follow, to get more of his lips and Shane grinned, nudged my cheek with his nose.

“Shh,” he whispered, pressing his lips to mine once more before lifting up to reach a hand between us, fingers playing at the button of my jeans. “I’m not.”

I was exhausted. I’d had the longest day of my life and I didn’t fucking care. It was going to be awhile before I was ready to sleep.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I left before Shane’s parents woke up. Actually, I walked out the door before the sun was even up. Shane got up and groggily followed me to the door, ignoring my protests the whole way.

He didn’t say much, but he leaned in to kiss me before I could get out of his house.

I let him.

I didn’t expect anyone to be home when I got there. My parents were never home when I was supposed to be at school, it was one of the things that made it so easy to skip class.

So when I opened the front door and stepped into my living room to find my dad sitting on his recliner waiting for me, I literally almost pissed my fucking pants.

And I ran. I didn’t actually leave the house. No, that would have been smart. I ran right upstairs and trapped myself in my room because I’m a fucking moron. My dad didn’t even give me a minute to breathe before he followed me, and Jesus. I could have at least locked my door.

I think…I think maybe I wanted to know what he’d do. Maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as I thought. I’d been wrong about almost everything else so far.

Even my mom had surprised me, though; I wasn’t any closer to figuring out where I stood with her. I spent a good deal of my walk home trying to convince myself that everything that had happened with my mom wasn’t as bad as it looked. Maybe she just needed some time to…adjust or something. It’s not like she told me to rot in hell or anything like any of the movies I’d seen. It wasn’t like she said anything at all, so I didn’t know. It might not be that bad.

But my dad? I’d always known he was going to have a problem with it and when he stepped into my room, I only needed to look at him once to know two things. The first was that my mom had totally ratted me out. That wasn’t really a surprise. The second was that I was not wrong about my dad.

That wasn’t really a surprise either.

My dad had never looked so fucking big in my entire life and I didn’t know what to make of it. He was glaring at me. My dad didn’t do that. When I got in trouble with him, he usually had this creepy calm while he talked at me. It did the trick. I hated get into trouble with him, but this was worse. I didn’t know what this was.

My dad looked ready to actually snap. Full on, psychotic breakdown or something. I could see the veins straining in his neck and forearms and his fists were clenched and my dad had never laid a hand on me in all of my sixteen years, but I suddenly wasn’t so sure I could trust any of what I knew and I backed away, eyes wide, heart thudding in my chest.

My dad’s whole face scrunched up in what looked like confusion but I wasn’t sure and I tensed for whatever was coming.

“What do you think is going to happen right now, Jacob?” he asked, and holy fuck, I had no idea how to answer that the right way. It felt like a trick question. Also? I was terrified and I’m not even ashamed to admit it. His voice was low and so…evenly, eerily calm. That at least was familiar but who cares, that little fact was absolutely no comfort.

“I…” I said, and shook my head. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” my dad demanded and I jumped at his raised voice. He frowned again, and I really couldn’t do this right now.

Or ever. I couldn’t do this ever. I changed my mind. I did not need to know anything. I just needed to get away. But my dad is fucking huge and he was blocking my escape.

“I don’t know,” I said, cringing at the way my voice broke and the desperation that colored my tone. My dad hated when I cried.

“You don’t know?” He took a step closer to me, and I closed my eyes and waited. I heard him move closer still and I held my breath.

It scared the shit out of me when I felt my bed shift and he sat down. I inhaled sharply and backed away further.

My dad didn’t even turn to look at me though. He just sat facing the other direction for long minutes that felt like they were going to stretch on into hours, before he finally sighed and dropped his head into his hands, elbows rested on his knees.

“You don’t know,” he repeated, voice low but nothing near calm. I was imagining the way it shook. I had to be. He sighed again and shook his head. “Then why are you apologizing?”

I could feel my bed shake and about lost my shit entirely when I thought for a second that my dad was crying. But he wasn’t. It was me. I wasn’t crying, not yet, but I was trembling. Literally shaking so bad that I could see it and it wasn’t long before my dad noticed it too.

He looked up at me, face blotchy red, and frowned. He cocked his head to the side and reached for me, brow furrowing deeper when I flinched.

“What do you think is going to happen here, Jacob?” he repeated and I closed my eyes, shaking my head before giving him the same answer.

“I don’t know.”

And really, that was the problem.

My dad’s jaw clenched and he stood up from my bed to walk across my room. For no other reason, apparently, than to turn around and walk back. And repeat.

“I don’t either,” he said and I watched the tension just drain out of him. He literally shrank right in front of me and for some reason that scared me even more.

He stepped closer to me and when I swallowed and moved further away, my dad flinched.

“I’m not going to hurt you, Jake,” he said, frowning. “You know that, right?”

I didn’t respond and I refused to look at him. It felt like I trick question and I was sure that if I looked at him, he wouldn’t like whatever answer he saw on my face.

“Damn it, Jacob,” my dad said pained, his voice almost a whisper, and he collapsed back down onto my bed, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees.

“Dad…” I said, voice shaking because this was even more terrifying than if my dad were to try and hurt me. My dad never looked lost. My dad was always sure of himself.

I didn’t know which way was up and I was starting to think maybe I didn’t know either of my parents very well.

“We’re gonna…” my dad started and trailed off on a sigh. He shook his head. “We’re going to talk about this.”

Which is what I thought we were doing, but fuck if I’d understood anything that had happened this far, why start now?

My dad nodded for no particular reason that I could see. I wasn’t even sure he was talking to me anymore, until he turned to face me. My breath caught in my throat. He…he didn’t look happy with me at all, but I was just…really fucking grateful that he was looking at me. That he was even talking to me at all. And I didn’t really need to hear what he said next to understand it.

“It’s going to be okay, Jacob,” he said, his soothing tone in complete contrast to the strained glare he was shooting my way. “We’re going to talk about this but… it’s going to be okay.”

He reached over and dropped a hand on my shoulder, grimacing when I couldn’t hold back another flinch. He squeezed my shoulder anyway.

“Your mother’s gone for the day,” he said, frowning like something about that pissed him off. And yeah, I totally wasn’t stupid. It was like, five o’clock in the morning. If mom was gone already, then she didn’t leave today.

“I want you to stay here,” he continued, leveling me with one of the stares he used to use when I used to steal money from the emergency stash he and my mother left in the kitchen for me when I was younger and they couldn’t get home in time for dinner or…whatever the fuck.

“I have to go to work. I’ll be home early. You’re to stay here until I get home.”

I nodded. “Okay,” I promised. And I meant it. He looking at me. He was talking to me. And he said it was going to be okay. No way wasn’t I going to do whatever he told me to.

He sighed, squeezing my shoulder one last time before getting up to leave my room.

And I was…fucking lost.

I didn’t expect it to be okay. I expected the world—or my world—to end when my parents found about me.

But it hadn’t.

My dad was supposed to be the worst one. He was always the one I’d been most afraid of. I wasn’t complaining but I never thought he’d be okay with it.

Actually, I was sure he wasn’t okay with it, but he was still there and I didn’t care anymore if he was going to be angry or whatever about it. He was still trying to be my dad. And after everything with my mom... I wasn’t sure if she was still going to be there. The fact that she’d apparently left really didn’t sit well with me. But I couldn’t think about it. Not right then. Right then… I couldn’t feel anything but relieved.

I fell back onto my bed, grabbing my pillow and clutching it tight for no other reason than to stop the trembling. My entire body was shaking and I really didn’t know why. I wasn’t sad or even all that scared anymore, but it wouldn’t stop.

I’d only just closed my eyes when my phone rang, and I smiled. There was really only one person it could be.

“Go back to sleep,” I said as soon as I answered, and smiled broader at the sound of Shane’s rasping laugh down the line.

“Yeah,” he said, voice sleep soft. “Just wanted to make sure everything was okay.”

I let out a breath, a huff of air that felt good to get off my chest and closed my eyes.

“Yeah,” I said, taking another deep breath, my body going lax as I finally stopped shaking. “I’m good.”