In Due Time - 16. Chapter 16

We didn’t talk about it. The next morning, when Ryan and I woke up to my parents yelling at me for ignoring my alarm clock, we pretty much ignored the night before altogether. If he was mad, he wasn’t showing it, and if I felt guilty, I didn’t apologize. It works for us.

I sent Shane a text message while Ry was in the shower, letting him know I wasn’t going to school that day. He sent me one back, promising to pick up my work with a little cheesy ass smiley face that kind of had me cringing and grinning at the same time. I was so glad Ryan wasn’t around to witness it. I was definitely reaching new levels of pathetic. He’d never let me live it down.

I told Shane he was lame, and that I didn’t want him to pick up my homework unless he planned on doing it for me, but he offered to do it with me, which, okay not as great, but I was up for it. I promised I’d drop by his house when school was out.

When he got out of the shower, Ryan didn’t even bother coming back into the room. He just went downstairs, already dressed, to have breakfast with my parents. It made me smile in a way I’d never tell Ryan about and it sort of made me…miss him. It’s stupid, because he was there, and I saw him every day, but it reminded me of how Ryan and I used to be, back when it was just…me and him. He was just always there. We were always in each other’s space, and it was annoying sometimes, but it was kind of, I don’t know; cool to have someone so solid. Always just right there.

Maybe it was all the drama, or the fact that I’d spent a huge chunk of the last couple months working toward giving myself an ulcer, but I didn’t notice how much we’d kind of…broken away from each other. We still spent time together every goddamn day, but it wasn’t the every spare minute kind of time we used to spend together.

We were still cool though. He was still my best friend, and he could still read me like nobody else, and…I wouldn’t have thought we’d be the same without spending as much time together as we did, but we were. We were still us.

I showered quickly and jogged down the stairs to the kitchen just in time to see my mom slap Ryan’s arm, an appalled look on her face, and I didn’t even need to ask what had happened.

“Pervert,” I said, smirking at Ryan.

Ryan shrugged. “I’m young and curious,” he said, like it was an excuse. He’d been using that particular one ever since he got away with going through Chloe’s underwear drawer back when we were kids. My mom came to his defense with that line and Ryan latched on and never let go. It worked the first time he used it, because we were nine and everyone thought it was adorable or hilarious or whatever.

It didn’t work so well anymore. My mom slapped him again, and my dad hid a grin behind his coffee cup.

“Your mother’s abusing me,” Ryan informed me, like it was the coolest thing in the world. Whatever.

“It’s not so fun if you live with her,” I muttered, and my mom leveled a glare at me. Which is creepily just as affective as a slap.

Ryan laughed eyes bright. “Breakfast with the Cleavers is just the greatest.”

I rolled my eyes, but I didn’t say anything. Ryan got like that sometimes when he was with my family. Chloe’s too. He got playful, giddy, and sarcastic—more so than usual. It wasn’t a big deal. I’d gone with him over to Colin’s once and Ryan hit on Colin’s mom. As long as he never went there with mine, I was totally cool with the cheery smiles.

Especially that day. I hadn’t expected him to cry or anything. Ry didn’t really do that. I just hadn’t expected him to be able to pull off ‘cheery’. I wasn’t going to complain about it, though.

Breakfast went by quickly and mom reminded me to make sure I was home and ready for her little dinner party by six and I pretended to actually care. Ryan didn’t when she invited him. He just grinned and politely informed her that he’d rather die a slow, painful death, because Mrs. Keats quotes scripture at him every time he makes eye contact with anything because she thinks he’s got the devil in him.

“Your family is awesome,” Ryan said as we left and I grimaced, shaking my head at him.

“Uhm, no, dude,” I said. “My family is lame.”

Ryan nodded, without even bothering to think about it. “Yeah, but your mom cooks. Like actual food. My dad bought a deep freezer so we’d have more room for frozen pizza and hot pockets.” He frowned, the look on his face suggesting that just thinking about it was kind of making him want to get sick. “You know,” he went on. “My mom would totally kill him if she knew.”

I wasn’t really sure whether I was supposed to laugh at that or not. I wasn’t used to laughing at anything when it came to Ry’s mom, and the fact that he was in a good mood while we were on our way to see her, kind of threw me off.

“Uhm,” I said. “You could tell her.”

Ry snorted. “Yeah, I could.” He shook his head. “Hey, do you think she’ll really turn over in her grave? If I tell her, I mean.”

It felt like a trick. He was being all light and happy and it definitely wasn’t like him.

“Dude,” I muttered, shifting uncomfortably. “What’s up?”

Ry didn’t even pretend not to know what I was talking about, which was cool. It saved time. He just sat there silently for a moment before he shrugged. “Birthday’s are supposed to be fun, right? Besides, Mom would have totally thought that was hilarious.”

She would have. I barely thought about her anymore, but I’d always liked Ry’s mom. She was easy to be around. Easier than my own mom, even. She was easy to talk to, mostly because she gave off this vibe like she already knew what you were going to say and it was okay with her already, so you might as well just come out with it.

I missed her when I actually took the time to think about her, and when she died, I remember wondering how the hell Ryan was dealing with it, when even I was having a hard time. Just…it sucked.

We spent the rest of the drive toward the cemetery in silence, which was cool with me. Usually when we went, we spent the entire drive in silence, so I was just grateful for what little conversation we had.

Ryan parked near the entrance of the cemetery, just past the giant iron gates the same as he always does. It’s actually not against the rules to drive up to the graves and there are small roads to get there, but Ry thinks it’s rude. I kind of agreed with him. And actually, maybe I’m the one that brought up the fact that it was rude. I had a hard time even walking toward her grave, stumbling awkwardly and sidestepping to make sure I didn’t step on someone’s grave. It’s one of the only lame things I can get away with without Ryan giving me shit.

We don’t usually talk to her. I say hi, and Ry always looks like he wants to hit me for a second, but mostly we just stand there. Sometimes, Ry leaves things for her, but that’s it. I say hi, we sit in silence and leave. We were never there longer than fifteen minutes.

Except this time.

“Did you know Jake’s queer, Mom?” Ryan asked, after I said hello, and I actually tensed up, like she was going to start in on me for it.

And then I laughed because…really, I’m so lame sometimes. Besides, I don’t think she would have had a problem with it if she were around. It used to be hard for me to think that there was anyone that wouldn’t have a problem with it, but…you know, I was unreasonable and stupid. Whatever the case, I was thinking about Mrs. Lucas now, and I was almost positive she’d have just grinned at me, and given Ry and me lectures about acceptance or something.

I also kind of liked that Ry was telling her. It was easy to get offended by him bringing it up, but I couldn’t right then. Ry wouldn’t have brought it up, just to be vindictive. Not there, with his mom. At least, I was pretty sure he wouldn’t and I turned to shoot him a grateful grin, but he was frowning.

“I mean, gay,” he corrected himself. “Sorry.”

I bit my lip to hold back my laugh because the apology wasn’t for me. He was looking at his mom’s headstone, the way he used to look at his mom when he’d slip up and curse in front of her.

“Dude?” I said, raising an eyebrow.

Ry glared at me. “Shut up.”

“Yeah, alright,” I said, but only because I wasn’t sure how much teasing he’d take, considering. I mean, I guessed there wasn’t anything wrong with him talking to her…or with anything he just did, but it wasn’t really like him.

Ry kept talking to her, though, about stupid stuff. He kept shooting me these awkward little glances, like he expected me to give him shit for it…and normally, I’d think I was duty bound to do so, but it seemed really out of place. And anyway, being a momma’s boy stops being lame when your mother dies. Or maybe it was never lame.

Whatever. I didn’t say anything about it. I thought it was kind of cool, anyway.

We walked back to the car in silence. Well, mostly silence. I was scuffing my feet on the gravel of the path toward the car, and coughing every so often to make noise, but I so wasn’t being as subtle as I hoped. Ry smirked at me over his shoulder, but I forgave him when he started whistling. Even if it was the theme to Halloween.

“Do you want to go to school?” Ryan asked as we neared the car. “There’s not really anything else to do, and I might actually fail Chemistry if I don’t start showing up, but I…”

He trailed off and I ran into him when he stopped. “Well, fuck,” he said, which kind of surprised me, because his dad was totally standing right there, and Ry didn’t even bother lowering his voice.

His dad didn’t even flinch, though. “You’re not at school,” Mr. Lucas pointed out. And yeah, duh.

Ry rolled his eyes, and started walking again, right past his dad toward his car. I followed as quickly as I could without actually running.

“I told you I wasn’t going,” Ryan said.

“I told you that you didn’t have a choice,” Mr. Lucas returned.

Ryan shrugged, and snorted. “I didn’t listen. You might have noticed.”

“Ryan,” Mr. Lucas said, his tone stern. “Turn around.”

Ryan laughed. “No,” he said, simply, slotting the key into the car door.

I was doing my best to pretend I wasn’t there, which would be a hell of a lot easier when Ryan unlocked the doors so I could get into the car.

He wasn’t quick enough.

Ry had just turned his key when his dad caught up to us and he grabbed Ryan’s arm to pull him back around.

I immediately tensed up, taking a step toward the two of them. I have no idea what I thought I was going to do to help, but… I knew Ryan and his dad fought, but I’d never seen Mr. Lucas lay a hand on him, and Ryan never said anything like that, although right then…Mr. Lucas looked angry enough to do it.

Ryan jerked away from him, angrily though. He started yelling, but I couldn’t really hear anything with Mr. Lucas yelling at the same time. I wondered idly if either of them could hear the other.

I couldn’t move. It was weird, just standing there watching, and more than a little awkward, but I couldn’t move. It was in my nature to back Ry up when he was fighting with someone but it’s different when the person he was fighting with was his dad. I couldn’t really get involved there.

They calmed down though. They stopped yelling and I relaxed a little when Ry leaned against the hood and it looked like neither of them was moving any closer to the other. I could finally hear what they were saying, but I was actually making an effort not to listen. I doubted Ryan would want me to hear it. I went around to Ry’s side of the car, opened the door and unlocked it myself before going back to my side to climb in. And then, I really couldn’t hear anything.

I could see though. Mr. Lucas said something after a while and Ryan’s jaw clenched at the same time his fists did. But it wasn’t the way he looked when he was about to get into a fight. It was the way he looked when he was about to fucking cry and I was on the verge of getting out of the car again to drag him away from his asshole of a father when Mr. Lucas’ face fell and he stepped forward.

I had my hand on the handle, ready to…intervene or whatever, but Mr. Lucas didn’t grab Ry again. He hugged him.

Which might not be out of the ordinary for most people, but I hadn’t seen it happen since I was a kid. I sort of felt like I shouldn’t be seeing it happen now. If Ryan wouldn’t have wanted me to see the fight, I was sure he’d like it even less that I saw the hug, but I couldn’t look away.

Ry sort of just stood there, tensed for long moments before he hugged back. And Mr. Lucas was saying something to him, and Ry didn’t like it, but he nodded once, before breaking away, to come get into the car.

He didn’t start it. We just sat there, watching Ry’s dad disappear off toward Ry’s mom’s grave.

I waited as long as I could stand the silence, and then I waited longer. Until Ryan’s eyes looked slightly less red, and then I cleared my throat.

“It’s nothing,” Ryan said, shaking his head. “I’ll tell you when I’m not being such a fucking queer…or whatever about all this.” He paused and turned to look at me, frustrated and tired. “Sorry. I meant…”

“I know,” I cut him off. “Forget it.”

“Yeah,” he said, and sighed, leaning forward to rest his head on the steering wheel.

I let him sit there. I dealt with the silence and waited for him to take a breath to steady himself. “Are we going back to school?” he asked finally.

I thought about it for all of a second before shaking my head. “Nah,” I said. “Remember when we used to get in trouble all the time for sneaking down to the river to swim?”

Ry grinned, and started the car. “If I freeze my nuts off, I’m taking yours,” he said, and that was it.

We didn’t swim.

We tried. We waded out until the water was up to our knees, and we sort of stood there, shoving each other, both of us trying to get the other to take the plunge, but neither of us would do it. We called it quits when we both slipped on the smooth rocks below our bare feet and felt flat on our asses, glaring at each other, completely breathless from the shock of the cold water.

We hung out there at the river, though, even if we didn’t swim. It was where we spent most of our time when we were younger and Chloe’s mom was too paranoid to let us swim in her pool without her supervision.

We sat out in the grass up by the picnic tables just off the river walk, to dry off, and then we lay there longer, playing stupid word games and talking about random bullshit that was never going to happen.

“Spy or assassin?” Ryan asked. “Which one would you be?”

“What’s the difference?” I asked, brow furrowing as I thought about it.

Ry shrugged. “Uhm…one kills people.”

“Oh,” I said and thought about it for a second longer before saying, “spy.”

“Pussy,” Ryan said.

“Psycho,” I shot back. “Besides…I think spies totally kill people too.”

“No they don’t,” Ryan said knowledgably.

“How would you know?”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “Spies spy,” he said. “Assassins kill.”

“Right,” I said, grudgingly because really, you can’t argue with that kind of logic.

“I bet assassins spy too,” Ryan mused when I didn’t say anything else. “I mean, they have to, right?”

I shrugged. “Probably,” I said, and then just because it seemed like the logical place to go from there, I said, “I spy something green.”

“Leaves,” Ryan said, without blinking at the subject change. “Obviously. I spy something white.”

“Cloud. Obviously.”

And that was it. It was probably the most unproductive day of my entire existence, but it didn’t feel wasted. We left when our stomachs started interrupting the conversation flow, both of us talking about being light headed or hungry enough to eat a cow, and then a giraffe and that turned into a competition to see which of us could think of the most disgusting animal to hypothetically eat. Ryan won when he suggested we eat my dad.

I would have expected the day to go by unbearably slow, because we really didn’t have anything to do. But it flew by. We were back at my house playing video games and eating pickles with ice cream—Ryan thought they were both so awesome they had to be good together—when I looked at the clock and saw that school had been out for two hours.

And fuck, I’d completely forgotten about Shane.

“Dude, what’s up?” Ryan asked, and I looked up to see that I’d crashed my car into a corner, and my character was screaming as he burned alive.

“Uhm…nothing,” I said, shaking my head. It’d been a good day and Ryan and I hadn’t really hung out like that in months. I didn’t really want to just leave and I figured Shane would be cool with it, if I explained. “Forget it.”

“Jake,” Ry said, dropping his controller. “What’s up?”

I debated on whether or not I should say, before I decided I was being a freak. “It’s nothing,” I said. “I’ve just got to call Shane real quick.”

Ry smirked. “Need to check in,” he teased, and yeah, maybe I deserved that after all the times I gave him shit when he started acting a little weird over a girl.

I shoved him. “No, I just…he got my homework, and I said I’d go over. I just gotta call…”

“Or you could go,” Ry interrupted, frowning. “I don’t need a sitter.”

“I know,” I said, quickly. “I just…” I shrugged lamely. “We’re busy, right?”

“Jake,” Ryan sighed, shaking his head. “I’m actually not going to break if you leave. Besides, Chloe insisted on getting my work and I should probably go do that anyway.”

“You called Chloe?” I asked, jumping on a subject change. Yeah, I wanted to see Shane, but I was definitely going to feel like a sorry excuse for a best friend if I left.

It didn’t actually work.

“Yeah,” Ryan said, getting up. “So, I’ll just go over there, while you go…do whatever.”

I really hated this. Every fucking time I left Ryan and Chloe to hang with Shane it was awkward. And it was almost as bad when I told Shane I couldn’t hang out with him because I had plans with Ryan and Chlo. Like, when I told him we were going out for ice cream with Lindsey it just got…quiet.

It was just hard, trying to balance everything out and I was tired of it.

“Or,” I said when Ryan started walking away. “Or you could come with me.”

“To Shane’s?” Ryan said, looking skeptical.

“Yeah,” I said. “Chloe’s probably busy anyway, if she hasn’t called. And…you know. It could be fun.”

“Right,” Ryan snorted. “No thanks.”

“Seriously,” I said. “It’s not like we’re going to do anything. Besides, I want a ride.”

Ry raised an eyebrow at me, and stared for a second before shaking his head. “Whatever,” he said. “Got nothing better to do.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I decided that taking Ryan to Shane’s was a bad idea before we even got past Shane’s front porch. Shane looked happy to see me for all of the three seconds it took for him to catch Ry standing just behind me. I’d thought that Shane was over it. I’d thought that Ryan was the only one with issues, but apparently, I was wrong.

Shane immediately went tense, standing up straighter, jaw clenching, lips settling in a thin line.

It was only hot for like, a second before I shook it off. Ryan was right behind me. So not going there.

“What’s going on?” Shane asked, his tone flat. “Is something wrong?”

I shook my head. “No,” I said, trying on a grin to try and get him to relax. It didn’t even come close to working. Shane just raised an eyebrow as if to ask me what the hell I was doing there with Ryan if nothing was wrong, so I shrugged, a little awkwardly, and added, “We just came to chill.”

Shane looked at me like I’d just randomly suggested it might be fun to see which of us could stand on hot coals longest without flinching. He didn’t even bother trying to hide the look from Ryan, and actually turned it on him after a second.

“You want to hang here,” he said slowly, eyebrows rising with each word.

“Uhm, no,” Ry said, like it should be obvious. “Jake does.”

“Then why did you come?” Shane shot back.

“Nothing better to do,” Ry said with an easy shrug. “I’m in the mood to be miserable, and my dentist refused to do any kind of drilling on account of my fucking perfect teeth.” Ry grinned brightly, showing them off.

Shane actually growled a little.

It’s possible I might not have thought this one through. It’d been awhile since I’d been around the both of them at the same time for any amount of time, and I forgot how much it sucked. I swore it had never been this bad before, and I wasn’t sure if the reason it was now was because we were at Shane’s house and the last time Shane and Ryan had been on that porch, they’d apparently tried to beat the crap out of each other.

I kind of wanted to get out of there. I definitely didn’t want to be in the middle of this fight. I really didn’t know why I thought it was a good idea to bring Ryan along. Or to go at all. I just…I felt so fucking torn sometimes trying to split my time between the two of them, and I wasn’t really sure how to balance it out, so hanging out with them at the same time seemed like a good idea.

It wasn’t. I was pretty sure I’d only feel more torn with the two of them fighting. Each other. With me in the middle and God, I hoped I wouldn’t have to pick a side.

“Uhm,” I said, mostly to stop the two of them glaring at each other. It worked.

They both turned to me at the same time, and it was funny watching them…change. Shane’s look immediately softened and Ryan, who’d looked completely relaxed while he was having his little showdown with Shane, let his shoulders drop, and with that fake ass smile he’d put on for Shane’s benefit gone, he looked thoroughly exhausted.

I definitely didn’t think this one through. It was just never going to work.

We stood on the porch in an uneasy silence for a minute longer than I wanted to do anything that awkward, ever, but I couldn’t figure out what to do. Ry and I couldn’t stay, obviously, but I couldn’t really figure out the best way to bail without looking like I was bailing.

“You gonna invite us in anytime soon?” Ry asked, with exaggerated cheer.

If just one of them would back the fuck down, I was sure the other would follow suit and the moment would just be mildly awkward instead of the suffocating awkward it currently was.

Jesus.

Shane actually looked like he was going to say no, but Ryan was challenging him. I’d hoped Shane was going to miss that.

Shane lost the frown, and a second later replaced it with a tight smile fake enough to match Ryan’s. He pushed the door wide open in invitation, but he didn’t move. He just waited.

I really don’t know which one of them I wanted to smack more.

And then Ry was glaring. Shane didn’t budge.

“Seriously, guys,” I snapped. I may or may not have kicked the doorjamb. Can you guess which of the three of us does not respond well to stress? Yeah. I thought you could.

Both Ryan and Shane turned to look at me again, but I actually got my mouth to work this time.

“Grow the fuck up,” I said, and Shane frowned, looking taken aback.

“He start…” Ry said, and then snapped his mouth shut.

He didn’t finish that sentence. I was glad. Ryan’s not stupid and we all knew that the words ‘he started it’ were only really going to make my point for me.

We were all silent for a moment longer, and it was Shane that broke the silence in the end, sighing and stepping away from the door to let us walk by without having to run into him to do it. I actually didn’t really want to stay, didn’t want to be caught in the middle of whatever the hell was still wrong with him and Ryan, but I didn’t know how to back out.

I sighed and stepped forward. His shoulder brushed mine on the way in, and it could have been an accident.

I decided to take it as an apology. It’s what the look on his face said anyway, and I did notice Ryan didn’t come close to touching Shane on his way in.

“My room’s upstairs,” Shane said the second the door was closed. It occurred to me that he said pretty much the same thing to me the first time I was there, though the tone was different. We never really spent much time with his family. I was grateful for it.

And just like the first time I was there, we didn’t even make it close to Shane’s room before his mom was calling us.

She was sitting on the sofa like she normally was every time I was there, except this time, she had Mykel’s head in her lap, and she was running her fingers through Mykel’s hair as she slept. Normally, I only offered her a wave before I was racing up the stairs to get on the other side of Shane’s bedroom door, and she hadn’t called us back since the first time I was there.

The fact that it was probably Ryan’s appearance that had her calling me back this time, had me flinching on Ry’s behalf and frowning on Shane’s. Shane looked like he was in pain.

“Uhm,” Shane said, turning around slowly, taking hesitant steps toward his mom. We were all silent when we got into the living room, and Shane had this look on his face like he was trying to decide how to tactfully inform his mother that she didn’t have to meet Ryan because Ryan wasn’t his friend.

Ryan looked lost and I didn’t need long to figure out why. He hated Shane. He was trying to make that clear, and play the part of the badass or whatever the hell he was doing, but Ryan didn’t know how to be rude to mothers.

“Shane?” his mom said, raising her eyebrows.

Shane cleared his throat. “This is Jake’s friend, Ryan.” He turned to Ryan. “And this is my mom.” He glared at Ryan, jaw set, doing his damnedest to let Ryan know there’d be hell to pay if he was an ass to his mom.

It wasn’t really necessary.

Ry nodded at Shane’s mom, hand raised in a half wave. I don’t think I’d ever seen him look so awkward. “Hi, Mrs. Tickersine,” he said, softly.

It occurred to me that it might be a bad day for Ryan to be meeting any mothers. He didn’t even like being around mine or Chlo’s on days like these. I tensed.

Shane’s mom smiled at Ryan, tilting her head. “Shy?” she asked, and I bit my tongue quick to hold back my snort at that.

Ry snorted though, and shook his head. “Not really,” he said honestly.

It’s hard to imagine Ryan ever being polite, especially not genuinely polite. But he actually can do it. He’d known mine and Chloe’s parents so long, and they knew him so well that he didn’t really bother tiptoeing around them. They knew how he was and he didn’t really bother hiding it around them but he was always respectful. It was different, though, with Shane’s mom. Weird, and I wasn’t the only one that thought so.

Shane was staring at Ryan, still tensed, like he thought it was a joke and he was waiting for Ryan to open up his mouth and call his mother a whore.

“You boys hungry?” Shane’s mom asked after what was probably only a few seconds of silence, but felt a hell of a lot longer considering the list of things I’d rather have been doing at the moment included every fucking thing else in the world.

“No,” Shane said at the same time that Scottie—who I hadn’t even noticed sitting on the floor in the corner with a complicated puzzle spread out before him—said, “Yeah.”

Shane’s mom smiled at Scottie and moved her hands to lift Mykel’s head from her lap, but she stopped when Shane spoke.

“I’ll get it,” Shane snapped, glaring at Scottie. Scottie looked apologetic for a second, muttered “Thanks,” and went back to his puzzle.

Shane had the weirdest family ever. The fact that parents made me uneasy in general wasn’t the only reason I rushed upstairs every time I visited. His family in particular was just kind of weird.

Shane’s mom waved him off. “I’ve got a casserole in the oven,” she said, gently moving Mykel’s head from her lap. “I’ve got it. Go on upstairs; I’ll have Scottie bring you up a plate.”

Shane shook his head, turning to me. “I’ll be up,” he said quickly, and then paused to shoot me a smile before turning back to his mom.

“I’m taller than you,” he said, his tone teasing, but it sounded forced. “I don’t know how you expect to reach the plates without me when Dad’s not here.”

She rolled her eyes at him, in that fond way that most mothers have. “You have company. I know I taught you better manners than that.”

She heaved herself up off the sofa, and immediately went into one of her coughing fits.

Shane rushed forward. Scottie’s jumped up, puzzle pieces scattering every which way.

And Ryan beat them both.

Shane looked completely taken aback. I really wasn’t surprised. Ry was used to catching Chloe’s mom when she had her dizzy spells.

He lowered her to the couch, and she smiled at him, but shook her head. “I’m fine,” she insisted, and really…she was trying to be. Her face was kind of ashen, but then, it always was.

“Yeah, I know,” Ryan said, and he was smiling but he kind of looked like he was in pain.

It’s so not even the slightest bit funny…but this was when I finally caught on. Shane’s mom was always sick and weak and Shane and Scottie always jumped to do every little thing for her. I just assumed that they were mama’s boys. Kind of like Ryan. But standing there, seeing Ryan look at her like he was actually afraid, and seeing the matching worried faces Shane and his brother wore—that was when I finally got it.

I don’t think there are words in any language that express how much of a self-absorbed ass I sometimes am. Ry had been there for five fucking minutes. I’d been there time and time again over the past couple months. I’d heard about the doctor’s appointments.

Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

“I’ve got it, Mom,” Shane said in a firm tone that would have had me grounded.

“Shane,” she sighed, tired and maybe a little embarrassed. “It’s just a cough, baby; I’m not crippled.”

I’d have found a way to murder my mom if she ever called me any such thing in front of my friends. Shane softened. He opened his mouth to speak, but Ry beat him to it.

“We’re not either.”

Shane looked like he might be having some sanity issues.

“What’s that?” Shane’s mom asked Ryan, kindly.

“We’re not crippled either,” Ryan said, and then shrugged and took a breath. “My mom started making me fix my own plates when I was, like, eleven. Said unless there was something I wasn’t telling her, I didn’t have an in house maid, and if I wanted one, I was going to have to start paying her. I tried, but the paper route just didn’t pay enough.” He laughed, shaking his head. “Apparently, mothers don’t come cheap.”

That was actually true. I was there when Ryan had offered her a ten, and his mom laughed a solid five minutes before she made us lunch and then took Ryan and me to the store to spend our money.

There was a moment of silence in Shane’s living room before Shane’s mother burst into a laughing fit, coughing at the same time, but it wasn’t as bad as when she was standing.

Scottie laughed too. And then Shane.

“Alright,” Shane’s mom said after she’d calmed down and taken a drink. “Get it yourselves. Be careful taking it out of the oven.”

Shane was still smiling when we went into the kitchen. He took the casserole out of the oven and Scottie made himself a plate before he left us alone.

And we were back to awkward silences. I should have known when I woke up that there was just no way this day wasn’t going to be hell.

Shane sighed after a moment, and looked at Ryan. “Thanks,” he said, and he sounded genuine. “That was…cool.”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”

I didn’t say anything. Shane was actually talking to Ryan about it in a way. Which meant that he really wasn’t hiding anything, and he probably wouldn’t have had a problem talking to me about it. Which meant that I kind of suck. In a big way.

“Really,” Shane said, and sighed again. “Do you want some of this?” He waved at the casserole. “It’s better than it looks.”

Ry shook his head. “No,” he said, shortly.

“Ryan…” I started, but Ryan shook his head.

He sighed looking toward Shane. “I’m sorry about…you know.” He waved a hand toward the living room where Shane’s mom still was. “It sucks, but I still really don’t like you,” he said simply, before turning to me. “I’m gonna take off. Head to Chloe’s. You coming?”

And fuck if I knew what to say to that with both of them staring at me. I kind of wanted to stay with Shane to at least start making up for what a complete dickhead I was. It seemed like I was always…fucking up with him. He was always there, and always cool about everything and I hadn’t given him a single fucking reason to be.

But Ry…I’d been an ass to him too, in a way, and it was his mom’s birthday, and yeah, Ryan looked fine, but he had to be faking it.

I was completely torn, and as awkward as it was, I really just wanted them both to stay.

I hesitated for a second and Ryan nodded like I’d already given him an answer. “It’s cool,” he said, stepping back.

“Ry…” I started again, but he waved me off.

“I’ll get Chlo to do the tutor thing she likes doing and I’ll let you borrow my homework,” he said, like everything was fine. It wasn’t. “You’re totally going to owe me,” he went on, continuing toward the door to the kitchen. “I’ll catch you later.”

“Ryan,” I snapped, because I was going to go with him. I’d hesitated, but I really wasn’t going to just skip out on him. I liked Shane, and he was kind of constantly taking up space in my head lately, but Ryan…me and Chloe. We were pretty much it for him. Shane’s entire family was in the other room, and I was pretty sure they didn’t ignore him unless he either did something ‘worth’ noticing or he finally pissed them off enough to yell the way Ryan’s dad was with him.

“Seriously, dude,” Ryan said, looking frustrated. “I’m going to go chill with Chloe. I’m good.”

“I’m coming,” I said, and Ryan finally snapped.

“Stop making everything such a big fucking deal,” he said, and sighed before continuing, voice lowered. “I hung out with you all day, Jakey. I get that you’re needy, but you’ve got to learn to share. Chloe needs her time too.”

He paused, looking at me like he was trying to decide whether he was going to continue or not and apparently decided in favor of it. “I just forgot, Jake. About…you know.” He gestured between Shane and me. “I don’t need you to come with me.”

That last was said so low, I barely heard it and Ryan glared at Shane, daring him to say something about it.

Shane didn’t.

I still wasn’t sure about staying. Ryan…he was always really good at putting on an act, and I’d always known him well enough to be able to see through it and read between the lines so I could…do the best friend thing. But he looked serious.

“I am serious,” he replied, rolling his eyes at my slip. “I just forgot, bro.” He put on a grin. “But I want you to stay if it means you’ll be getting some action.”

I laughed at that. It wasn’t a ‘ha ha, you’re funny kind of laugh’ though, it was more of a ‘I’m mortified right now, and I don’t know what else to do’ kind of laugh, but I couldn’t be mad when I remembered he’d said pretty much the same thing every time I hung out with a girl that wasn’t Chloe, and he was being genuine as far as I could tell.

“Jesus, Ry,” I muttered, resolutely not looking at Shane after that comment.

Ry snorted. “Be a man,” he said. “Stay here. Don’t pussy out the way you did with Tracy.”

Peer pressure is sometimes kind of awesome. And yeah, I was a little embarrassed with Ryan smirking at me suggestively with Shane standing right there. The lack of any below the belt action since the first time was kind of like the elephant in the room for me when I was with Shane, and it felt like Ryan was pointing it out, but…embarrassed or not, I grinned like the pathetic loser I totally am.

It felt like a moment.

God, I was totally a girl.

“Thanks, Ry,” I said, and Ry cringed.

“Whatever,” Ryan said, turning away. “I’ll catch you later right? You’re still coming?”

“Yeah,” I said, though, hell if I knew what the hell he was talking about. I figured he meant his house, and I didn’t ask. Of course I’d be there. I always went there.

“Cool,” he said, and waved over his shoulder before disappearing without another word.

“Huh,” Shane said, his tone surprised, as soon as Ryan was out of ear shot.

“What?” I asked, turning to face him.

“Nothing,” Shane replied, shaking his head, still staring after Ryan. “Nothing, it’s just…he’s actually trying. I didn’t think he would.”

“Oh.” I wasn’t really sure what else to say to that. I wondered if I should be offended, except, I hadn’t thought Ryan would try either.

“Yeah,” Shane said, and then shook himself, turning to face me. “So…are you actually hungry, or did you want to go upstairs?”

He grinned brightly at me, eyes shining, and I couldn’t help smiling back. Couldn’t stop the swelling in my chest, and Jesus when was it going to stop?

He stepped toward me, and I leaned in without thinking about it, but he just grabbed my hand and led me out of the kitchen.

“I went shopping with Caydence,” he told me as we started up the stairs. “You know, since you ditched me today.” He paused to grin at me before continuing. “She does this thing in the music store where she spins and picks out a random CD to try. We usually end up with something horrible, with songs about being up a river with out a paddle, or being screwed over, which is kind of how having the CD makes you feel, it sucks so bad but…”

“Shane,” I interrupted, grinning because I couldn’t help it when he started rambling like that. I shook it off though; schooling my face into something that I hoped looked genuine, and said, “I’m sorry.”

Shane lifted an eyebrow, as he moved into his room, waiting for me to follow before shutting the door behind him.

“Well…It wasn’t that bad,” he said, slowly. “It’s a waste of cash, but I’m not going to go hungry because of it or anything. Anyway, the CD wasn’t that bad this time. I want to show you…”

I shook my head. “No, I meant…about your mom. She’s sick, right? Like…really sick…” I don’t even know what I was trying to ask, and Shane’s smile pretty much vanished the second I said his mom’s name. He frowned deeper with every word out of my mouth, and I kind of wondered if maybe the only reason I was saying anything was to make myself feel better.

Sometimes, I wonder if I’m just generally not a good person. But…whatever, I was trying.

“Oh,” Shane said, letting out a breath. He fidgeted with his hands, not meeting my eyes. “You know, I thought you were just being polite, not saying anything.”

For a second, I thought it might be a good idea to agree and let him think that, but it was too late. I totally just gave myself away and I didn’t want to lie anyway.

“I’m sorry,” I said, stepping close. “I didn’t…just…I thought…” I clenched my jaw and closed my eyes, fishing for the right words, but all I could find was, “I’m sorry, Shane.”

It was enough.

He stared at me for a long moment, tilting his head to the side, losing his smile. I bit my lip and just…let him look at me. He was always doing it, and it still made me feel fucking weird because I never knew what he was looking for.

Whatever it was, I think he found it.

He let out a breath and reached for the hem of my shirt, tugging lightly to pull me in. He kissed me, soft and quick, nudging his nose against mine as he pulled away, and yeah, I was trying really hard to keep the contrite feeling I’d had pretty much since I caught on, but I couldn’t really do it. Not when he was all…sweet or whatever.

“It’s actually okay,” he said, pulling away. He turned away from me and went over to his dresser to grab a CD. “Hardly anyone notices, unless one of us says something. I thought you might have, because I’m always…taking her to the hospital, and you’ve been over a lot, but…” he shrugged, moving to put the CD into the stereo, but he didn’t press play.

“Mostly people just think she’s coughing because she quit smoking. Nobody really catches on…except apparently Ryan. Which was weird. She’s going to be okay, though. Doctors said they caught it early. It just…sucks because the shit they give her makes it worse. Normally she just coughs, but…the medicine or whatever makes her fucking sick and tired and weak all the time.”

I dropped down onto his bed to just…listen. I didn’t know what to say, but it didn’t really seem like he was expecting an answer. He was just standing at his dresser, half leaning, half sitting on the edge of it, talking. He wasn’t even looking at me, but that was cool. There was still so fucking much I didn’t know about him.

“She’s stubborn,” he was saying. He laughed shaking his head. “It’s stupid. She’s…well, she’s not stupid. Scottie, and Dad, and me…we try to keep her off her feet. Dad says she should rest and she won’t. It’s fucking frustrating.”

“Yeah,” I said, and Shane finally looked at me. “I think I get it.”

I wasn’t sure if he really believed that she’d be alright, or if he just…needed to tell himself that, but I understood either way. And it was kind of cool, having him talk to me about his issues or whatever and not just about mine.

He straightened up and moved over to sit on the bed with me. “Anyway,” he said, and he looked almost shy suddenly, which threw me.

It always threw me when Shane was anything but completely confident and…I wasn’t sure that was really fair.

“I’m trying to think of a way to change the subject,” he said bluntly.

I let out a laugh, and pushed myself further onto the bed, pulling him with me. “We could listen to the CD you just put in,” I offered, reaching over to the nightstand to grab the remote to the stereo.

He grinned. “Right,” he said, like he’d forgotten. “I wanted to show you.” He grabbed the remote out of my hand. “There aren’t any words. It’s just music, but I was listening to it with Caydence and we were just letting it play in the background, while we were talking, and Caydence said that every time the music got all depressing, we’d start talking about like, starving kids in Africa or whatever, and when it got quicker we’d be laughing. I think it was a coincidence, but I’m totally going to find out.”

He actually looked excited, and I couldn’t really see why, but the excitement and his smile was contagious, so I grinned back at him and nodded toward the stereo.

“You gonna press play then?”

“You have to start talking first,” he said, and I laughed at how serious he was being.

“Okay,” I said. “About what?”

He rolled his eyes. “About whatever.”

It’s funny how I could find a million things to talk about any other time, but when he looked at me all expectantly, it was just a little too much pressure. I ended up starting by telling him what I had for breakfast, which was definitely lame, and awkward but he laughed and I got over it. I segued into talking about this egg I found in the fridge once when I was a kid, and it was green, but I ate it anyway, because, you know, green eggs.

Shane laughed his ass off when I told him about how sick I got, and we relaxed. He pressed play and it wasn’t long before I forgot that the conversation was apparently some kind of experiment. But that was okay because I was pretty sure he forgot too.

Lately it’d been hard for me to be in the same room with Shane without touching him…kissing him. Something. We talked sometimes, sure, but a lot of those times, I was kind of torn between listening to the stories and watching his mouth shape the words as he told them, or watching his hands gesture wildly and the way his arms flexed as they did. Or the way his chest looked when he moved the right way and his shirt was pulled tighter against him.

This time, though, I listened. I’d kind of always assumed Shane was the quiet type. Not shy, but the kind of guy that didn’t really say much. But maybe I’d just been talking too much to fucking listen. That had to be it, because I’d started to notice that Shane rambled as much as I did, but he didn’t do it because he was nervous, and it wasn’t awkward. He didn’t do it often, but sometimes, he’d start to tell me something simple and he’d remember something else partway through and start telling me about that instead, and it’d be awhile before he got to his original point if he didn’t forget first. It was hard to keep up with but I kind of liked it.

I’d just recently sworn I was going to make an effort to get to know Shane better. To take an interest in things that weren’t all about me, and I really was trying.

But…the thing is, I didn’t really need to try at all. It was easy to just listen. It was easy to keep the conversation going, because every time he finished telling me one story, I had a question that I was genuinely interested in knowing the answer to. Or I had a story of my own to tell, and…it was different than being self-absorbed. It was more like sharing.

Besides, most of my stories made him laugh at jokes I didn’t see and Shane’s laugh is kind of awesome no matter what.

Shane went and got us some of the casserole after we’d been there awhile, and I was shocked at how long we’d just…sat there. Without doing anything. And when he came back with the food, it went cold, because apparently we weren’t done just sitting there. Talking.

He touched me every so often. Nothing really big, and never close to enough to start something, but he’d pause every so often or interrupt me in the middle of talking just to kiss me quick, and it kind of filled me with a hot air that made breathing feel weird. It was all weird. I don’t think I’d ever been so relaxed and fucking wired at the same time.

I liked him. I was kind of sick with it. I lay there, listening to him talk, and it seemed stupid that I actually wanted to hear about lame ass nothing memories he had, just…just because. And I kept doing things…stupid things, and I told him embarrassing stories that I’d sworn I’d never willingly bring up just because I’d get a smile and a kiss for it every goddamn time.

I wasn’t even all that bothered when his younger sisters started barging in the room every other minute to yell ‘boo’ or ‘scared ya, right?’ or other things that probably would have annoyed me any other day. I was just in a ridiculously good mood that I could not shake and all we really fucking did was talk.

I decided it was time to go when Shane’s dad got home and started popping his head in the room just as frequently as Carly and Mykel to ask Shane random questions that definitely could have waited, like whether or not he was going to mow the lawn the next day or if he’d run to the store for milk or whatever.

I wondered after he came in to ask Shane if there were ice chips in the freezer—which he definitely could have found out for himself, or asked someone else—if he might have me figured out. Shane had already said they might have.

But, I decided I didn’t care. He knew about Shane and he was obviously cool with it. And I was over being afraid of the people that weren’t ever going to have a problem with me. It was fucking exhausting…and just really not worth it.

Shane offered to walk me out, which kind of definitely made me a chick, but I accepted anyway. I wasn’t really done being around him yet. It seemed like every time I was with him, things got better and I wasn’t ready to let go of the way I was feeling right then. I felt close. I wanted to be closer, and I just…really didn’t want to go home.

I pressed Shane up against his bedroom door before he could walk me out of it to kiss him again and he laughed against my lips, but he also pulled me in tighter so I figured he was alright with it.

It didn’t last long. Not with Mykel on the other side of the door banging but it was nice. And when we got downstairs and into the foyer at the front door, Shane kissed me again. It wasn’t much. It was soft, and he barely lingered with his family in the next room close enough that I could hear every word they said.

But I didn’t pull away…Shane did. He pressed a hand against my chest and it took me a minute to realize he was doing it to keep me from leaning back in. Took me a minute longer to realize I was actually trying.

Jesus, I lost every bit of my mind around him sometimes.

“You’ve gotta go,” he said before I could suggest that we go back upstairs. And yeah, I was totally going to. Shane had given me my first ever hand job, which, by the way, is the absolute furthest I’ve ever gotten with anyone except…well, me. And he could really be touching me again. Please.

“You could come with me,” I offered instead of saying any of that, because…well, come on. There’s only so much fucking progress I can handle.

Shane’s eyes widened at the invite, though, like I was suggesting he come home with me to make out on the dinner table with my family instead of just…eating at it like I meant.

“What?” I asked, and Shane stared for a second longer before he shook whatever his issue was off, and grinned.

“Nothing,” he said. “And…I’ll pass. I’ll call you though, yeah?”

He kissed me once more, so quick I didn’t have time to react before he pulled away and actually shoved me out the fucking door, grinning smugly the whole time.

It’s kind of a miracle I didn’t get lost on the way home.

I was late for my mom’s dinner with the Keats’, because…well, I totally forgot about it, and it would have been worth the lecture I knew I was going to get later if being late meant that I wouldn’t have to be at the table as long. Except, they waited for me.

The food was good. Mom had baked chicken, and she’d even made the mashed potatoes from real potatoes, instead of the box, but I couldn’t really enjoy my food. Mrs. Keats wasn’t happy with just talking to my mom and ignoring me. She kept asking questions, like why she never saw me at church, and my mom would glare at me when I answered with, ‘uhm, because I don’t go.’ My dad, at least, looked as miserable as I felt, but it didn’t really help. Much.

And then there was Colin. I think he’d tell people we were friends if anyone ever asked him, and…I think I would have too. He was Ryan’s friend, and yeah, he annoys me, but we hung out. I talked to him at school, and he was always coming up to me to tell me about who was dating who, or who beat the shit out of that one freshman or whatever the fuck. I didn’t really care, and the guy was a fucking ass sometimes, but I guessed he was a friend. His jokes made me uncomfortable as hell, but he meant well. It’s not like he knew I might take offense to being told how you could apparently fit four fags on a stool.

So, yeah, he was an ass, and I felt like I hated him most of the time, but at dinner that night? I felt bad for him.

It was like the guy seriously couldn’t make a fucking move without his mom telling him he wasn’t doing something right. ‘Sit up straight’, ‘Stop scraping, Colin’, ‘Wipe your mouth, Colin’. Or, if my dad was bragging about something I did, the way he does when there are other fathers around, she’d cut in with how Colin’s on the baseball team, but he could really practice more, and how she thinks that if he’s not going to give it his all, he should just quit and focus on more important things.

“It’s supposed to be fun,Mom,” Colin muttered when she said that. “Jesus, let it go.”

And for that, she told him off for taking the Lord’s name in vain.

Hell, even I felt suffocated by all the attention. And I hated her for making me feel bad for Colin.

I even got involved in the conversation a few times, just to try and get the attention off of him. Because, shit, that woman was harsh.

My parents could be embarrassing. My dad was lame on his best days, and my mom drove me crazy all the fucking time, but I was grateful for them. My parents were always talking about me appreciating what I had and right then, I really did. At least my mom wasn’t a bitch like Colin’s…or sick like Shane’s. And I couldn’t imagine my dad ever being anything like Ryan’s. He’d even tried to talk to Ryan’s dad a couple times right after Ry’s mom died. It never really did any good, and Ry’s dad stopped talking to mine before long, but still…

Maybe my parents weren’t perfect or whatever, but I was lucky. Way lucky.

After dinner, I turned down dessert, but I went over to kiss my mom on the cheek, right in front of everyone, just for being…her. She looked shocked. Pleased, but shocked.

“Dinner was awesome, Mom,” I told her. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” she said, smiling bemused. “You sure you don’t want dessert?”

I nodded. “I’m gonna go chill in my room.” I turned around, and hesitated. I was sure I was going to regret it, but I sighed and did it anyway. “Colin?” I asked. “Wanna come?”

Colin looked just as surprised as my mom had when I thanked her, but he turned to shoot his mother a hopeful look.

She nodded once. “Behave, Colin.”

Colin shot out of his chair, picking up his plate and bringing it to the sink, before rushing to join me.

“Thanks,” he said, as we climbed the stairs. “My mom can be…”

A bitch, I almost said. I bit my tongue, though. Mostly because I knew that as much as my mom got on my nerves and I thought she was fucking insane, I’d start a fight with anyone who tried to agree with me.

“Yeah,” I said instead. “That was…intense.”

He grinned. “Whatever. So, what are we doing?”

“Huh?” I asked.

“You know…you’re the host, dude,” he said, punching me a little too hard to be playful. “Entertain me.”

I felt sorry for him, but not that fucking sorry. I figured I did my part getting him away from his mom.

“Entertain yourself,” I said, pushing the door to my room open... “I’m going to watch a movie and pass out until Ryan gets here.”

“Ryan’s coming?” he asked, interested. “He said he had plans tonight. I asked him to come with me to…this thing.” He waved his hand around wildly.

“Yeah,” I nodded. “He does have plans. We’re going to the mall to grab some ice cream with Lindsey and Chloe.”

“Word?” Colin said, making himself comfortable on my bed. I knew I was going to regret asking him up. “He didn’t tell me.”

He sounded annoyed, and I felt awkward the way that I did when I forgot to invite him to my birthday party when I turned fourteen.

“Uhm,” I said, shuffling through my movies for something to watch. “It’s so Chloe can meet Lindsey.” I shrugged awkwardly.

“Oh, right,” Colin said, nodding like I’d actually explained why he wasn’t invited. “So, it’s a double date?”

“Huh?” I frowned. “No. Chloe and I aren’t…”

Colin snorted. “Right. Not yet.”

I opened my mouth to tell him just how far off he was but my phone rang. I pulled it out of my pocket and I had to turn away from Colin so he wouldn’t see the ridiculous grin I couldn’t hold back at seeing Shane’s name on the display screen.

“Hello?” I said, once I’d slid my phone open.

“Hey,” Shane said, and I really love the way he sounds over the phone. I like the way he sounds period, but his voice gets more raspy…lower on the phone, and…I don’t know. I liked having his voice right there in my ear.

I was so glad that thought was never going to see the light of day. I’d never live it down.

I cleared my throat. “What’s up?”

“Nothing,” Shane said. “I know you’re supposed to be doing that thing with Ryan and Chloe but my parents are gone and I was bored. I wanted to say hi.”

My cheeks hurt from all the fucking grinning I was doing.

“Oh,” I said, laughing softly, walking further away from Colin as I did. “Well…hi.”

“Hi back,” Shane said, and I could hear him smirking. “How was your dinner thing?”

“Lame,” I replied, shrugging like he could see me. “We’re still technically having it. Or, our parents are. Colin and I escaped before dessert, though.”

Shane was silent for a second, but I didn’t have a chance to ask what was wrong before he said, “Colin’s there? Still?”

I nodded, and then remembered he wasn’t actually there with me. “Yeah,” I said. “You know him, right?”

“Yeah,” Shane said, and he laughed, a little forced. “His mom’s there, right? She’s…”

“Yeah,” I said, and turned back to Colin, feeling a little bad about talking about him while he was right there.

“He’s right here,” I said, suddenly. “Did you want to say hi?”

“Actually I gotta go,” Shane said, quickly. “I’m supposed to be watching Carly and Mykel. Scottie’s with a friend so…” he sighed, lowering his voice. “Just wanted to say hi. Later Jake.”

I bit my lip and inhaled, the air feeling too warm in my chest. “Yeah,” I replied. “Later, Shane.”

I waited until he hung up before sliding my phone shut.

“Shane?” Colin said, eyebrows lifting. “Shane Tickersine?”

I did not grin just hearing his name. At all.

“Yeah,” I replied. “You guys are friends, right?”

“No,” Colin snapped, looking offended. “Did he say that?”

“Uhm,” I said, thinking back to the one time I’d heard Shane talk about him, and… “No,” I went on. “He said he went to church with you.”

Colin snorted. “Right,” he said. “So…you’re friends with him?”

I nodded, biting the inside of my cheek to keep from grinning.

“Seriously?” Colin said, raising an eyebrow, and it occurred to me that I was apparently the only one that didn’t know Shane was gay when I met him.

I nodded slowly. “Yeah.”

“You know he’s a fag, right?” Colin said, smirking. God, he was such an ass. I was done feeling sorry for him.

I didn’t even flinch, because shit like that? It wasn’t really all that uncommon for Colin. He said it all the time about anyone and everyone.

“Yeah,” I said, and I could have patted myself on the back right in front of him for how calm I was. Seriously. “I know he’s gay. So what?”

Yeah. That was me. Totally cool. It’s funny but it was way easier to challenge Colin than it was with Ryan. To glare at him and dare him to fucking say something about it. I definitely wasn’t about to jump out and let him in on my secret, but I was just…over all of the bullshit. I wasn’t about to pretend I hated Shane. Especially not for that.

Especially not for Colin.

“So,” Colin pressed, staring at me, eyes slightly narrowed. “You better watch your back.”

“Why?” I snorted, putting on a smirk. “You plan on getting behind me?”

Yeah, a joke like that would never have come out of my mouth if I were talking to Ryan back before he knew.

“No,” Colin snapped. “But Shane might. Seriously, dude, watch your back. He could, you know, try something.”

This was part of why I’d never liked Colin. His jokes pretty much made my life a living hell before and I’d always hated having to listen to Ryan laugh at them. And I think he scared me. Like, I’d always been afraid he’d know. He used look at me just a second too long and I felt like he could just tell.

But really? The guy was a fucking idiot.

“Yeah, if that were true, I’m pretty sure you’d have tried something with Ryan and half the rest of the people you hang out with by now, and Ry would have told me. Your logic is flawed, dude.”

The joke rolled off my tongue with an ease that I definitely wouldn’t have been capable of if Colin had come at me with the bullshit just a few weeks earlier. It was just…easy to blow it off and act like it was a joke. I had always been so fucking paranoid--horrified that I’d say or do something that might be taken that way—but with Colin? He was going to call me a queer anyway, no matter how I acted.

Besides, I’d figured out that pretty much the only reason Ryan had found out about me was because I couldn’t calm down and laugh it off. So that’s what I did with Colin. I laughed it off. It was easier now that I didn’t really think there was a problem with it. I still didn’t want anyone else to know, but I didn’t feel guilty, like I was doing something wrong every time someone said the word gay.

Before, every time anyone around me ever came close to the topic, I froze up. And I’d always thought it was because I was afraid of what they would think if they knew. Or…what my dad would say. But I think most of my anxiety was because I was the one that had a problem with it. Like, when I was a kid and I stole a couple dollars out of my dad’s wallet for the first and last time, I flinched every time my dad even opened his mouth because I knew I’d done something wrong. I think that’s how I was with the gay thing. It didn’t really matter what my dad thought because I thought…or knew it was wrong.

But I didn’t think it was wrong anymore. I didn’t really know what changed. Maybe it was the way that Ryan and Chloe were okay with it, or maybe it was the way it felt being with Shane…but I didn’t think so. I was pretty sure it was just that…I didn’t feel wrong. Things had felt wrong before, when I was dead set on changing it. I’d wanted so badly to be normal, and I ended up acting like a fucking freak. I felt better when I stopped fighting it. And I really just… couldn’t see what was so wrong with it anymore.

I couldn’t even remember why I ever did. I mean, my dad disagreed with it, and maybe almost everyone else around me did too. It just ‘wasn’t normal’. Whatever. You shouldn’t have to force normal and I’d quit trying to.

And it was better. I could relax and I was pretty sure that’s why it was so easy to just roll my eyes at Colin’s bullshit.

“Excuse me?” Colin said, interrupting my thoughts.

“Huh?” I asked. I’d lost track of what the last thing I said was.

“What the fuck was that supposed to mean?” he asked, all humor gone from his voice. He pressed a hand to the center of my chest and pushed. Hard.

My eyes widened and I took a step back, rolling with the shove he delivered right to the middle of my chest. He wasn’t really all that intimidating, I just…hadn’t thought he’d take it so personally. I’d meant it as a joke. Or whatever.

“Jesus, Colin,” I said, raising an eyebrow. “What the hell?”

“What the fuck did he say?” Colin went on, his tone dripping anger.

“What did who say?” I shot back, knocking his arms away from me when he tried to shove me again.

“You know who,” he snapped, shortly. His face scrunched up before he added, “Shane.”

I was so lost, I didn’t know which way was up. And I opened my mouth to tell him that, running back through our conversation trying to figure out where the track split with the two of us going off in opposite directions and even when I remembered what we were talking about, I still had no idea why he was so pissed or what any of it had to do with Shane...

And then…

Oh.

“It’s you,” I said, taking another step away from him. “You’re the school’s pitcher.”

It was Colin’s turn to be confused now. “So what? What’s baseball got to do with anything?”

Jesus, I’d completely forgotten about that. Or… I hadn’t forgotten that I currently went to school with a complete asshole and I tried watching Shane to see if he…I don’t know, looked at someone for too long or whatever. He never did, though, and I forgot all about my plan to look it up in the yearbook.

Shit. Colin. It was him. It was taking me a long ass time to get past the shock.

“You and Shane—you’re a fucking asshole,” I said, shaking my head.

“What?” Colin asked, but he wasn’t snapping anymore. He sounded halfway between confused and… anxious.

“You’re a liar,” I said, shaking my head, almost laughing. “And a coward. And an asshole.” And maybe the coward thing was a little hypocritical, but…seriously.

“I didn’t lie,” Colin said, backing away from me now. “He did. Whatever he said…”

“Bullshit,” I cut him off. “Bullshit.”

“What’s bull—Colin?”

Ryan. Typical. I was pretty sure I’d never been in a fight without him there, and considering that it looked like that was where I was headed, it figured he’d be there.

“What’s up, dude?” Ryan said stepping further into my room, shutting the door behind him before reaching out to shove Colin, the way that friends do, but Colin was too busy glaring at me to notice.

I didn’t say anything either. I didn’t know what to say. I felt like I should be pissed on Shane’s behalf or just because the guy was generally not a good person…obviously. But I couldn’t really work up any anger towards Colin.

It was surprising because I hated Colin on the best of days, and you’d think finding out that he was the asshole that fucked Shane over would just give me more reason to hate him, but I…couldn’t.

Mostly, I just felt sorry for him.

Colin stood there, trembling with a kind of terrified anger that was way too familiar to be comfortable with. I remembered that. I remembered the way it felt. It hadn’t really occurred to me before that moment, standing there with Colin but, all the bullshit I’d gone through when Ryan found out—all the fighting and the stress and the fear—was worth it. I wouldn’t have said so at the time; in fact, I’m pretty sure I’d have done pretty much anything to avoid the shit Ryan and I went through. But now? Looking at Colin, and remembering what it was like to be in his position, I definitely thought it was more than worth it, because things were fine for me. Better than fine, and definitely better than they were before. I could finally relax.

I still had Chloe, and even Ryan. And now I had Shane.

I’d come sickeningly close to not having Shane. Not just because I was an ass pretty much nonstop, but because I could remember the fear written all over Colin’s face, and I wondered with a morbid curiosity what it would have taken for me to fuck Shane over the way Colin did. I wondered if I’d have been able to.

I definitely didn’t like that train of thought.

“What’s going on?” Ryan asked after one too many seconds of silence, stepping away from Colin to stand next to me. “Did Jakey find out about your Princess Pony collection?”

Colin turned his glare on Ryan so fast, I’d have been worried about whiplash if I actually gave a shit about him. I almost wanted to laugh, because I knew it wasn’t true. It was just Ryan trying to diffuse the tension, and Colin was taking it way too seriously.

He spun back around to face me, looking somewhere between angry and flustered and said, “I do not have…ponies,” like he really needed me to believe that.

I kind of wanted to tell him that it was cool. I don’t even like Colin, and I seriously wanted to tell him that it was okay, and fuck anyone that didn’t think so, but the second the thought crossed my mind, I frowned, wondering when I jumped from thinking the way Colin did to actually believing that it was ‘okay’.

It was just…all weird. I couldn’t tell Colin to tell anyone, considering I fought against having anyone know about me, and I still didn’t really want anyone to know. I’d be damned if I let my parents find out anytime soon. I might be fine with my big gay secret, but that didn’t mean they would be.

I wished I could tell him to, though. I wished I could tell him that some people would be okay with it. And no, not very many people knew about me, but being able to just…relax around the few that did, was way fucking better than the way things had been before, when I stumbled over damn near every last word I said, or move I made just to make sure they never knew. It was exhausting. And, yeah, I hated Colin. I might have even hated him a little more for what he did to Shane, but—I understood it.

I currently hated that I understood it. It made me kind of sick with myself that I maybe could have done what Colin did.

And the shock of going from being sick with myself for being gay, and being sick with myself for being such a coward about it? Was way too fucking much for me to think about.

“Jake,” Ryan tried again, his voice extremely loud in the otherwise silent room. He nudged me, and I broke the little staring contest I had going with Colin to glance at him.

“What’s going on?” he asked, and I could practically feel Colin tense while both of them waited for me to respond.

I turned to face Colin, staring at him for a few seconds longer. I think…there was a lot that I wanted to say to him. Maybe I didn’t owe him any favors, and maybe he didn’t deserve one anyway, but…I wanted to help. I couldn’t shake the feeling, but I couldn’t really think of one thing to say to him that wouldn’t either send him running or start the fight that I was currently tensed for. And I couldn’t tell him that I was cool with it—obviously—with Ryan standing right there.

If there was something I could do, I really couldn’t see it.

So, I just sighed, shrugging. “Just…take off, Colin,” I said, suddenly tired. “We’ll catch you later.”

“Huh?” Colin asked, taken aback. The shock only lasted a second and then he shook it off and was back to glaring at me. He opened his mouth to speak, but Ryan chose that moment to clear his throat as if he wanted to remind us he was still there.

I hadn’t forgotten, but Colin apparently had. He flinched, and his jaw visibly clenched.

He narrowed his eyes at me. “I swear, if you…”

He let the sentence hang, but I understood the threat anyway.

And I still couldn’t be mad at him for it.

“I won’t,” I assured him, and I wasn’t surprised when Colin’s look turned skeptical. “I’m serious,” I added, trying my best to look…genuine or whatever. “It’s cool.”

It really wasn’t, and I felt a little bad, and more than a little guilty. Like maybe I should tell people the truth. For Shane. It wasn’t fair that he had to walk around while people thought things like…that about him, while Colin got to laugh and keep his dirty little secret.

But I couldn’t really see what good it would do. It’s not like I had proof, and I hated Colin, I really did, but I felt bad for him. And Shane hadn’t even wanted to sell Colin out to me. If Shane could let it go…

“It’s dropped,” I said out loud, nodding decisively. “I’m dropping it, dude, but seriously…cut the shit. It’s kind of easy to see through.”

Yeah, maybe that wasn’t true. I hadn’t seen through it, not for the longest time, but whatever. Maybe it was a little selfish of me, because if Colin was anything at all like me—and it kind of seemed like he was, in a way—I knew my saying that would probably keep him awake that night worrying. About whether I was the only one that saw it, or if everyone could.

He’d get over it, though. I felt sorry for him, sure, but he kind of deserved it. If it stopped him being such an ass…I couldn’t really see the downside.

“Just take off,” I pressed when Colin just stood there, still staring at me. “We’ll see you at school tomorrow.”

Colin took a breath, glancing between Ry and me, uncertainly, but I couldn’t really do much to reassure him there. I was going to tell Ryan. Mostly because I kind of thought this might be why he hated Shane. I remembered him warning me not to go near him, and swearing it wasn’t just because Shane was gay…and saying that I wouldn’t understand. And I remembered when he found out about me; how he’d been reluctant to believe I was gay before I met Shane. I remembered how he still warned me off, and wouldn’t tell me why.

I was definitely telling him.

I waited, and Colin eventually gave up, walking out of my room, slapping Ry’s arm on the way out. Ry nodded, and muttered ‘later’ although he was looking at me, but he had the good sense to wait until we Colin’s footsteps on the stairs before he asked.

And he didn’t actually ask.

“So, it wasn’t true,” he said, nodding. Not really asking. He shrugged after a second. “I figured. I just…wasn’t sure.”

I cocked my head to the side. “I could have told you it wasn’t true. If you’d asked. You should have said something.”

Ryan shrugged. “I figured you knew. Everyone knew, and when I found out you didn’t …”

He trailed off, and I raised an eyebrow.

“What?”

“I punched him for you,” he said, sighing. “That was kind of why. I thought…well, it doesn’t matter. I was going to wail on his ass, but there was a kid. A little girl. So, I didn’t.”

I nodded. “I’m glad you didn’t.”

Ryan cocked his head to the side, studying me. “And after I hit him, you said you were already gay before him so, maybe he’s not some kind of…predator or whatever, but…he’s still kind of a douche. He gave me a black eye.”

“You hit him first,” I pointed out, letting out a laugh. “You busted his lip.” I was a little shocked at the way Ryan said ‘gay’. Like, I always expected him to spit it out like a dirty word, but he didn’t. And maybe I wasn’t the only one that was kind of okay with it.

“So?” Ryan said, waving me off, like I was getting away from the point.

“So, it was your fault.”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “Whatever. I should probably thank him. That black eye got Lindsey to talk to me.” He paused, losing the grin and turning a serious look on me. “Would you have believed me, if I told you about it…you know, about him and what he did to Colin? I mean, what Colin said he did.”

I rolled my eyes. “You’re my best friend,” I said simply. I probably wouldn’t have just…believed him, but I wouldn’t have called him a liar. I’d have called Colin a liar.

Ry cocked his eyebrow and snorted the way he did when he thought I was being a girl. “And you’re mine, Jakey.” He did this thing where he sort of rolled his eyes and batted his eyelashes at the same time. “I know! Let’s go to Boston and get married. We can get a little house with a fence and make cookies and you can decorate. I’ll…fix things. I’m way more butch than you.”

I shook my head. “I really just don’t like you,” I said, flatly.

Ryan grinned, which sort of killed the fake gasp he let out, and his pout was the most ridiculous thing I’d ever seen in my life. “You won’t leave me. We have the kids to think about, you know.”

“I’m sure they’ll be fine,” I said, laughing. “What with their not existing and all.”

Ry grinned shrugging before his eyes widened. “Speaking of which…or…not really, but whatever.” He grabbed my jacket and handed it to me. “We’re late picking up my date.”

“Shit,” I said, looking around for where I’d kicked off my shoes. I’d completely forgotten about ice cream with Lindsey.

“Don’t worry,” Ryan said, cocking an eyebrow at my outburst. “Boston will still be there tomorrow.”

I threw my shoe at him, grinning. “Jackass. I just forgot.”

The joking…it would have made sense for me to be uncomfortable. It had before. Even though I knew Ryan was just being Ryan. My best friend who considered it sacred duty to give me hell for every last thing I might be slightly uneasy about… but, I wasn’t uncomfortable.

Every time Ryan did something that made me feel like we couldn’t possibly get any closer to the way we were before…he’d do something to prove me wrong and now…things weren’t going back to the way they were before, and I was glad. They were better. Now, when Ryan joked, I didn’t have to be worried that he might have figured it out. He had and it was okay. And I didn’t feel like he was trying to point out something I was trying not to think about, because I wasn’t still trying to do that. I could finally be completely relaxed around him. Before Ryan found out, I didn’t think there was any possible way I could be more relaxed with Ry, but it was always just there hanging over my head.

It wasn’t anymore. He knew and he wasn’t disappearing.

Ry caught my shoe and threw it back at me, and then pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and tossed that to me too.

I raised an eyebrow when I caught it asking him the obvious question.

He rolled his eyes. “Call and invite him,” he said. “You know you want to.”

Uhm, actually I wasn’t sure that I did. Ryan and Chloe knew about Shane and me, but Lindsey didn’t and…

“You think really loud,” Ryan mused. “Just dial the number.” He paused, before nodding and adding. “Pansy.”

“You don’t even know what that word means,” I muttered staring down at the phone. I sighed. “Ry… I thought you hated him.”

“I do,” Ryan nodded. “But so what, right? How many of my girls have you actually liked?” It really shouldn’t have been a big deal that Ryan was comparing Shane to one of his girls like it was the same thing. It should have been kind of insulting. It just wasn’t.

“Call him,” Ry repeated, looking a little disgusted with what a big deal I was making.

And what the hell. Why not? I felt good, and I was really starting to lose sight of how having Shane around could be a bad thing. It’s not like he was going to try anything or whatever.

“Jesus, dude,” Ryan said, snatching his phone back. “What’s his number? I just fucking told you we were late.”

“I’ll do it,” I told Ryan, and I didn’t even really snap at him for the attitude. Mostly because he was right.

He gave me his phone back, and I paused once more before dialing. “Hey, Ry?”

“What? Tick fucking tock, dude.”

I rolled my eyes. “Just…thanks. For…you know…” I moved my hand around, and even I wasn’t sure what I was trying to say.

Ryan sighed, and it was freakishly close to the fond thing that mothers sometimes do.

“Yeah,” he said, shrugging. He cleared his throat and turned away from me. “You know. You too. For today.” He cleared his throat again. “Whatever. We should watch sports or something. I need to get my man on.”

“You have a date.” I rolled my eyes.

“That works too.”