In Due Time - 15. Chapter 15

It’s kind of funny, that having Shane look at me for too long in public makes my legs itchy, like I need to run, and makes my shoulders tense almost painfully, but a hand job? No big.

Afterward, lying there in Shane’s bed with my dick hanging out of my pants and a stain I prayed I’d never have to explain to anyone, ever on the front of my jeans, I was fine.

More than fine, actually. I was almost giddy. Pathetically giddy.

And there was…relief. I wasn’t sure why, really, but I thought it might have something to do with admitting it. I admitted it. Out loud. On purpose. In front of someone. I was pretty sure I’d done that before, but this time, I didn’t add a silent ‘for now’ afterward, and I felt relieved. I didn’t have to worry about changing it, or fixing any thing. I could just let it be.

It was kind of a good feeling. Relief mixed with something that felt like excitement, but it didn’t make sense to be excited seeing as how the exciting part had pretty much passed. But that didn’t really matter. When I left Shane’s, my chest felt full, and I found myself running, but not for any of the reasons I’d ever run from Shane before. It was more like the way I felt when Ryan and I fixed whatever was broken with us. I just sort of needed to run.

I ran all the way back to my house, which was a good thing, because I’m pretty sure I would have missed curfew if I hadn’t. My parents were up, and I didn’t exactly want to be around them, but seeing them didn’t bring me down. At all. I didn’t panic and start spinning ridiculous scenarios in my mind on the hows and the whens of them finding out. I just said goodnight, though I’m pretty sure the yawn I faked wasn’t all that convincing what with the way I dashed up the stairs and accidentally slammed my bedroom door behind me.

Good. Everything was good at that moment. Ryan and I, and Chloe. And Shane. My parents… I really didn’t have anything to obsess about. Or…I was pretty sure I could find something, if I tried. But really? Why the hell would I?

So, I lied back in bed, laughing at the digital clock on my night stand, because I was pretty sure I’d never been in bed so early on a Friday ever before, but I wasn’t about to get out and go do something else. I just wanted to lie there, and replay the night—the parts that didn’t feature me making a total ass of myself—over and over.

I passed out before I even got my shoes off.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“I think it’s awesome.”

“Of course you do. It’s chick music.”

“It’s pop punk, and it’s kick ass. Better than the screamo shit you listen to.”

“Hey! None of that. My music is medicine for my dark and twisted soul.”

“Your music makes me want to slit my wrists, and come back and haunt you ‘til you slit yours as payback for making me listen to it in the first place.”

“Bite me, Chlo. This shit makes me want to get some chocolate, Twinkies, and ice cream for a Lifetime movie marathon. And it’s not even my time of the month. Chick music.”

“Fuck off, Ryan. You like it, right Jake?”

“…I think something’s wrong with my phone. Is it possible to run out of minutes if you barely ever use the damn thing?”

Yeah, that was my brilliant contribution. Which is sad, really, because if I were actually paying attention to anything that was going on, I’d have tossed both of their mp3 players out of the window, because my house and my room, meant I get to choose the music. But…I wasn’t actually paying attention.

The three of us were all lying on my bed, scrunched and tangled. We’d all been taking turns playing music on my player…or, Ryan and Chloe had been taking turns. I was pretty sure they started skipping me after the third time I forgot what was going on for too long and lost my damn mp3 player.

Ryan snorted, rolling his eyes at me. “If you want your phone to ring, you’re going to have to give some more people your number. Everyone you know is already here, and we never call you anyway.”

I frowned, and cleverly didn’t point out that not everyone I knew was currently in my room. There was actually one person, a boy person, possibly named Shane who was missing and hadn’t even called in two days.

Yeah. Two fucking days. I currently hated that it was the weekend. At least at school it’d be easy to see if he was avoiding me or not.

That thought was a little terrifying. I wondered if I did something…wrong. I couldn’t really see how that was possible considering I didn’t do much of anything at all, but I was racking my brain, trying to figure it out.

I got that I was obsessing. I also knew I could have called Shane myself if I wanted to talk to him that bad, but…the first day, I was too nervous to actually stay on the line long enough for the phone to ring, and by the second day, I was too busy freaking out about the fact that he hadn’t called, and wondering what that meant.

I mean, I hadn’t even had a spaz attack after the whole hand job thing—and Christ I blushed just thinking about that. But…I’d been cool about it, all things considered. I admitted that I was gay, in front of Shane, and I didn’t run away screaming afterward. We’d talked…or he’d talked and I’d listened because I couldn’t really think of anything to say that wasn’t lame, and I was also a little busy with trying to figure out whether the stain on the front of my pants was really all that noticeable.

But still…no panicking. I’m just saying, that’s huge for me. If anyone knows what a freak I am with these sort of things, it’s Shane. And I hadn’t freaked out on him. I was good, and he couldn’t even pick up a fucking phone? I call that inconsiderate.

“Maybe my phone is dead,” I commented, as Ryan wrestled Chloe’s mp3 player away from her. I really have no idea what that was about. Like I said, me? Not really paying attention.

“It’s plugged in,” Ryan replied sitting up, looking at me a little suspiciously. “What the fuck is your problem?”

“Yeah, seriously,” Chloe put in, using Ry’s shoulder to hoist herself up next to him. “Why don’t you just call him?”

Have I mentioned lately that I hate Chloe Mason? Well, I do. A lot.

“Oh,” Ryan said, and his eyes darkened and he looked a little lost…but only for a second before he smirked. I almost missed the frowning and the glaring. The smirk made me nervous.

“So,” he said. “You really are turning into a chick.” He turned to Chloe. “Maybe we should play the last song again. For Jakey.”

I glared at them. “Fuck. Off.”

Ryan laughed; his grin widening and he relaxed. I hadn’t even noticed he was tensed until I saw him let out a breath and slouch a bit, but I only wondered why for a second. I was definitely preoccupied.

“Give me your phone,” Ry said, putting his hand out.

And I can’t even express how much that was not going to happen. I definitely didn’t like the smirk. Ryan was a vindictive prick.

“Why?” I asked, eyes narrowed.

“Just give it to me,” Ry pressed, leaning forward. I scooted back on my bed until my head hit the wall.

“No,” I said. “Tell me why first.”

“So I can call him for you. You’re being annoying.” He lunged toward me.

I almost fell off my bed trying to get away from him.

Chloe laughed. “You’re both acting like girls,” she said. “I’ll remember this the next time someone asks me why I only hang out with boys.”

Ryan was appalled and he whipped around to glare at her. Chloe shot me a grin. Saved. I take back what I said about hating her. She’s alright, I guess.

“We are not,” Ryan said, and he back handed my knee, nodding at me to back him up. It’s what he did when he didn’t have a suitable comeback. I thought about pointing out that not two seconds ago, he was accusing me of turning into a chick and now it was ‘we’ are not? Ha. I was most definitely not on his side.

“Oh yeah,” I said grinning, and then paused, looking down at my phone when I saw it flash. False alarm. My phone was now fully charged. I cleared my throat and tried on a smirk. “Me Tarzan…him Jane.”

Ry does the poor betrayed best friend thing very well. “Traitor,” he mumbled, throwing a pillow at me. “Chew on that, and shut the fuck up. You’re no help.”

And can I just say—ouch. I’d been doing okay with Ryan’s jokes…most of them were harmless and if I wasn’t paying attention, I hardly noticed it. It was just Ryan being Ryan. He’d be making jokes about me turning into a girl even if he didn’t know I was gay, so that was easy enough to ignore. But that last one shocked me, for some reason, and I fell silent.

I wasn’t the only one. My room went silent, but for Chloe’s music playing—which did suck, by the way—and Ryan was cringing, looking ashamed. Chloe had turned away, alternating between staring at my curtains, and glaring at Ry, like she wasn’t sure whether she should laugh or snap at Ryan. Before, we all would have laughed.

I wasn’t mad. I think I just… wasn’t used to it yet. None of us were. I don’t think any of us had really figured out what was okay, and what was offensive.

My ears burned, and I sort of nudged the pillow off my bed, unsure of how to respond. The thing is…it was a little harsh, but only because Ryan knew. He would have said the same thing—or something similar to pretty much anyone after they refused to have his back. He had before. It was part of what had me convinced that he’d hate me if he ever knew. Because he was always making comments like that. He probably wasn’t even thinking about the gay thing. People just said things like that. All the time. Saying ‘you’re such a fag’ was pretty much interchangeable with ‘you’re such a freak’ at our school.

But Ry knew now and comments like that…made everything weird. I felt like he was purposely calling attention to it when I just wanted to ignore it. Or…I mean, I just didn’t want to talk about it. Not to them.

“I’m sorry,” Ryan said, and the way the words were forced out sounded painful. “That wasn’t…it was just a joke.”

I shrugged, sliding my phone open and closing it again.

“I’m working on it,” Ry muttered. “I’ll put that one on the ‘don’t’ list.”

I nodded, because I knew that. I knew Ryan, and I knew he didn’t mean it. He wouldn’t have bothered apologizing if he had, but it was…awkward. I really wished someone would change the fucking subject.

“Jake,” Ryan said with a sigh. “Seriously, bro, I wasn’t…”

I cleared my throat. “I get it,” I bit out, looking up at him. And yeah, I knew he was sorry, but I was still a little shocked to find the pained look on his face. I’m almost ashamed to admit that I actually liked seeing it.

“It’s cool,” I said, but I’m not sure it would have been if it wasn’t obvious that he was sorry. He wasn’t used to having to monitor what he said around me, and I wasn’t even sure that I wanted him to. It would make us weird. Ryan and I always fucked with each other. It was what we did; we gave each other hell. I felt like having him censor himself would…fuck it up. I liked how Ryan and I were, and yeah, the gay jokes sucked, but I didn’t like having him hold back with me. And I told him he didn’t have to.

“Forget it,” I said, shrugging and forcing a grin. “I’ll get your ass back.”

Ryan looked up at me, and stared for a second before saying, “Nah, my ass is off limits.” He said it all slow, like he wasn’t sure if it would be okay, and I wasn’t sure it was, but I forced a laugh anyway. It was awkward for me, but Ryan was teasing. It was what he did. The subject matter had changed, but… I could deal. It was Ryan and he wouldn’t be my best friend without all the humiliation.

So, I opened my mouth, ready with a not so clever comeback, but I never got it out. Chloe was nice enough to interrupt.

“Right,” she said, sighing, and I wondered why she was all tense. It wasn’t like her to just…back out and not put in her two cents. “We’re still doing ice cream with Lindsay on Thursday, right?” she asked. Sometimes I forget that Chloe knows us too. A change of subject was probably the safest way to go.

“Yeah,” Ryan said, rolling his eyes, but it was obvious that he was just as relieved as I was. “It was your idea. We’re still doing it, unless you say we aren’t.” He looked up at her, eyes hopeful. “Did you change your mind?”

“Fat chance,” Chloe snorted. “I haven’t met her. I heard she moved here from Philadelphia, or something.”

Ryan shook his head. “Hershey,” he corrected, and I was shocked that he actually paid attention enough to know something like that. “And she moved here, like, a year ago. Catch up.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Chloe said, totally unapologetic. “I actually pay attention to school work when I’m in school.”

“That’s why Jake and I are your only friends.”

Chloe punched him. “Jake doesn’t have any other friends either,” she shot back, and I glared at her. That wasn’t even true. I had Shane…and sort of Caydence. And there was Reid. And Shane…

…Maybe my phone didn’t have service in my room. I opened my phone to check, which shot that theory straight to hell, but I thought about going to sit by the window, just in case.

“Jake has other friends,” Ryan said, and I shot him a grateful grin, before going to check my text messages again just to make sure I hadn’t missed anything.

“Swim team doesn’t count,” Chloe said, rolling her eyes.

“Oh,” Ry responded frowning. “Well… you’re both losers.” He shrugged and leaned back on the bed, disconnected Chloe’s mp3 player and plugging his own in. Asshole. So much for him coming to my defense.

“I am not a los…” I was interrupted by Ryan’s phone ringing and I actually dropped mine, trying to check it. Which totally proved his point about my being a loser, so I decided it’d be best not to try and finish my sentence.

Ryan laughed, forwarding the call. “Colin,” he said, shrugging. “He keeps begging me to come with him to some dinner thing with his family. He’s being a total freak.”

“You should come,” I said, because that fucking dinner was at my house, and I was not looking forward to having to sit through it alone. I cursed the day my mother met Mrs. Keats.

“You’re going?” Ryan said like it was the most unbelievable thing he’d ever heard.

I shrugged. “I have to. It’s happening here and Mom’s making me.” I frowned, dreading it already. “Seriously, you should both come. I hate Colin.”

Ry snorted. “Yeah, I bet,” he muttered, and I didn’t get a chance to ask what that meant before he went on with, “When?”

“Day after tomorrow,” I said, and remembered that was when we were supposed to go do ice cream with Lindsay. “If you both come, we can just go grab Lindsay after dinner.”

“I’m not going,” Chloe put in, grimacing. “I hate Colin just as much as you.”

Ryan frowned. “He doesn’t hit on you anymore,” he said, matter of fact. “I talked to him about it. He said he’d stop.”

“He lied,” Chloe responded flatly.

Ry’s face was a mix of shock and something like anger, like he couldn’t believe Colin would have lied. Ha.

“I’ll talk to him again,” Ryan promised her.

“Thanks,” Chloe said with a soft smile. Ryan grinned back, losing the frown and I watched the two of them stare at each other before purposely staring elsewhere wondering what the fuck was going on.

I cleared my throat, mostly to get their attention when the silence started to morph into awkward, which I couldn’t ever remember happening when it was just the three of us.

Ryan jumped at the noise, and turned to look at me, shaking himself. “So,” he started. “Is Shane going?”

“What?” I asked. I totally lost track of the conversation.

“To the dinner thing,” Ryan clarified. “Is Shane going to be there?”

“Oh,” I said frowning, because Shane hadn’t called and he could be going to the fucking moon on that day for all I knew, because he was a dick.

I glared at my phone. “No idea,” I answered honestly. “I don’t think so.”

“Good,” Ryan said, and Chloe and I both looked up to frown at him. I knew that Ry and Shane didn’t get along. Everyone knew they fought, though most of the people that knew why were currently sitting on my bed. But still…that was kind of fucked up.

“Asshole,” I muttered, and I looked to Chloe to back me up, but she was staring at Ry, head cocked to the side like she was trying to figure something out.

Ryan shook his head. “I didn’t mean it like that,” he said. “You could invite him to have ice cream or whatever.”

“I could invite him to dinner if I want,” I pointed out, because Ryan forgot that I could do what I wanted way too often. My house and I could invite whoever the fuck I wanted.

“Yeah, I guess you could,” Ryan said, looking away with a shrug.

I think I would have told him to get over it—Shane was. To move on and try to get along. It was just…well for one, it sounded lame even in my head. And two… I didn’t really feel like sticking up for Shane at the moment.

“Whatever,” I said in response. Another change of subject would have been nice right about then. I don’t know how it happened but the three of us had gone from laughing and having a semi-good time, aside from the fact that they were laughing at me, to dark and depressing.

I decided to blame Shane. You know, since he was the one avoiding me.

I glanced at my phone again, before looking up at Ryan and Chloe, and ignoring the way Ryan was fiddling with the hole in the knee of her jeans instead of his own.

“Call my phone,” I said abruptly. “See if it goes through.”

Ry and Chloe both looked up at me, matching grins suddenly on their faces.

“Dude,” Ryan said, shaking his head. “You are so…gay. I really should have noticed.”

“Shut up,” I said without much venom. At least they were smiling again.

Besides, it wasn’t so bad. These were my friends. I’d been so afraid of things changing with them—and they had changed. But not like I thought. They made fun of me for different things now, and we spent less time together thanks in part to the time I spent with Shane and the time the two of them spent—together, but the three of us hadn’t really changed. The change was all in the details and…I decided those didn’t really matter.

“Know what I think?” Chloe asked, interrupting my thoughts.

“No,” Ryan replied. “But we don’t actually care either so…” Chloe hit him. Predictable. Normal. Things would have been great if it weren’t for the fact that my phone hadn’t rang since my mother called to tell me about that goddamn dinner I was required to attend.

“Fine,” Chloe snapped at Ry, standing up. “You can stay here. Jake and I will go swimming.”

Ry rolled his eyes. “Bullshit. You can’t stay mad at me and you know it.”

“Try me,” Chloe said dryly, and I laughed, turning up the ringer on my phone so I could hear it from the pool.

I hopped off the bed, where Chloe and Ryan were doing a cross between wrestling and arguing and I snorted. “If you two are going to go at it, make sure you change the sheets, or I’m telling my mom.”

Ryan and Chloe halted and Ryan actually fell off the bed. I laughed. It was probably cruel, all things considered, but I didn’t really care.

Payback’s a bitch.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

When I went to sleep Sunday night, I told myself I was going to fix everything the next day. I played out a ton of different scenarios where Shane would pick me up in the morning, and I’d tell him that he was the one being an idiot this time, and tell him to get the fuck over it. And after school we’d go to his house and this time, when he touched me, I’d touch him. I wouldn’t run, or freak out. It’d be good.

It was just…so weird. I was pretty sure Shane was avoiding me. That was supposed to be my job. I was the one that was supposed to freak out and avoid and…whatever. But I was actually excited. I hadn’t expected that, but I wasn’t fighting anything, for once. I was letting it happen, and I wanted more. I felt like I’d gotten past the hard part. It was done, and I just wanted to move forward. It was pretty much all I could think about.

But Shane was fucking ruining it. So I planned to wake up the next morning and tell him what a fucking moron he was. I was going to fix it.

I went to bed with a smile on my face at how everything had changed. I started off trying to fix myself, so that I wouldn’t feel the way I did about Shane. Now…now I was trying to fix things to keep him around. Keep him close. And if there were hand jobs to be had with all the closeness, I wasn’t going to complain.

I think I waited on my porch long enough to be late the next morning, waiting for Shane to show up before my mother—yes, my fucking mother—came out and said Shane had called early that morning to say he wasn’t coming.

I decided right then that the only reason I wanted to talk to him was so that I could kick his fucking ass. Or give him the kind of hand job that you walk away from without certain vital parts.

And holy shit, Ryan was right. I was totally turning into a girl. Scary. I shook it off and spent my entire third period class convincing myself I didn’t care. It worked too. All the way up until fifth period, right before lunch, when I was trying to decide whether or not I should go see Shane.

I had no idea what the hell I was supposed to say to him. I couldn’t come up with anything better than, ‘Hey, Shane, about that thing with your hand and my dick…” and no. Just…no. That was so not going to fly anywhere much less at school where there were people around to hear. But I really wanted to talk to him.

The whole thing was really bothering me. I didn’t get it. I was finally okay. I admitted that I was gay, out loud, and on purpose and I didn’t even think about bridges or cliffs or Mexico. It seemed like a big deal, and it was definitely not the time for Shane to go all insane.

And it just kind of… sucked. I’d been in a good mood when I left his house. A really good mood. Everything felt a little surreal. Shane had given me a hand job, and I’d admitted everything, and instead of feeling panicked like I would have expected if I ever let myself think about something like that happening… I felt relieved. Like… I didn’t have to worry about it anymore. About trying to change it, I mean. I could just let it be, and I didn’t have to stress about getting rid of it.

All I had to worry about was keeping it from my parents, and…even the thought of them finding out wasn’t enough to kill my mood, for once. I just… let it go. They didn’t know, and as long as it stayed that way, I wasn’t going to worry about it. I could panic when it happened, and before that… I wasn’t going to stress it.

Instead, I spent the night reliving my moment with Shane. And not just the hand job. After, he was just…really cool. He rambled on, endlessly, making sure there wasn’t a second of silence. It kind of helped when it came to not panicking. It was funny, actually, because he looked nervous. Like he had anything to be nervous about. I was the one that had made an ass of myself, and I think I sat on his bed with my dick hanging out of the front of my pants for a full ten minutes before I remembered to put it back in and zip up.

He seemed jittery the whole time I was there afterward, though, and he kept shooting me these worried looks, but aside from that comment about calling my parents, he didn’t bring it up. He made stupid jokes and told me the most pointless family stories. I wasn’t there long, but for the time that I was…it wasn’t bad. He was just… really cool about it all.

He kissed me before I left. I think I spent more time waiting for the kiss than I spent actually talking to him. It was almost like he was scared to do it, and when he did, it was…soft. Much softer than any other time he’d ever kissed me before, his lips barely touching my. It made my chest quiver, and I’d felt a little light headed or whatever as I stepped out of his house, but…it was cool.

I spent more time thinking about that kiss that night than anything else. I tried not to think about how pathetic that was.

It was just good. The whole thing was good, and the only thing that had me even mildly disturbed was the fact that I wasn’t disturbed at all. I liked it. And I wanted to leave it at that and not think about any of the other bullshit.

And all of that…it felt really big for me. I wasn’t so stupid that I didn’t realize what a huge step I took from that first kiss that I practically…no literally ran away from. I was ready for the ‘fun part’ or whatever the fuck, and Shane was fucking it up now, not me. Shane was… backsliding. Right when I was finally starting to be okay.

Fucker.

And I blamed him entirely for the detention I got from fifth period when I actually snapped at the teacher when he interrupted my thoughts one too many times.

“Jesus, Jake,” Chloe whispered harshly, when I took my seat again after getting my referral. “What’s your problem?”

“Chloe,” I muttered, shaking my head. “Do me a favor, and fuck off.”

She didn’t speak to me for the rest of the class, and she left when the bell rang without waiting for me. I kind of didn’t see the point of that, she’d have to put up with me for lunch since I was back to eating with her and Ryan…but I wasn’t about to complain. I wasn’t really in a sociable mood. I even considered skipping lunch altogether, and the rest of the day, for that matter, but that wouldn’t really do much to help me figure out what the fuck was wrong with Shane.

I took the long way to the cafeteria to…I don’t know, clear my head. Or, figure out what the fuck I was going to say to Shane when I saw him. If I saw him. I was pretty sure he was avoiding me, and if he was, I doubted he’d be in the quad where he usually ate.

But he was. He was there, lying back in the grass, laughing at something Caydence said. I wondered if it’d make me too much of a girl to kick him when I walked up.

“Jake,” Caydence called, waving as I approached.

I didn’t wave back. I wasn’t pissed at her, I was just too busy trying to glare at Shane until he looked at me, which, wasn’t working. I might have tried to at least be polite to Caydence if she were the type of person who could actually be offended, but I was pretty sure she didn’t give a shit one way or the other if I ignored her.

I settled for a short nod, without even looking at her, keeping my eyes on Shane. I stood there staring down at him for a good thirty seconds and when he still didn’t look at me, I dropped my book bag as close to his head as I could manage without hitting him. Which, more or less meant I dropped it right next to me, and about a foot away, but whatever, it did the trick.

He jumped, sitting up abruptly, glancing at me a little anxiously. Like he had a reason to be anxious. I wasn’t the one avoiding him.

“What’s up with you?” I heard Caydence ask as I sat down and Shane and I continued to stare at each other without saying a word. “Did your cat piss in your favorite shoes?”

“Yeah,” I said. I was long past telling Caydence she’d been to my house and knew I didn’t have any pets, or favorite shoes, for that matter. I wondered what her thing with animals was.

“Life’s a bitch,” she nodded, with a sympathetic sigh. Sometimes, Caydence is just so right.

I snorted, finally turning away to look at her.

“Guess what?” I said, mostly to buy time to figure out what I was going to say to her. I didn’t really need to bother. She’d accept pretty much anything I said without a word. That was the cool thing about Caydence. I definitely never had to worry about sounding stupid around her.

“What?” she asked, grinning. Caydence wasn’t one of my best friends, and I doubted we’d ever really be close, but I did like this game. She did too. Caydence isn’t actually crazy, though it’d taken me awhile to figure that out. She just likes for you to think she is. And, once I did figure it out, it was easy to play along.

“There’s a circus in the girls’ bathroom. Science building,” I told her. “You should go check it out.”

She chuckled, shaking her head at me and picking up her purse as she stood up. “Or,” she said, “I could go get some more grease on a platter. Shane devoured mine. He’s so selfish.” She turned to look at him, losing the grin. Caydence looks weird when she’s being serious. “I have lots of fake emergencies,” she informed him. “Need one?”

He actually looked like he was thinking about it. Right in front of me. Caydence was…well, Caydence, and it wasn’t that surprising that she’d ask a question like that in front of me, but Shane? I couldn’t believe he was considering it. Asshole.

He sighed after a moment, smiling in a way that looked entirely forced. “Nah,” he told her. “Save ‘em for the next time I need to get out of Church.”

She nodded. “Text when you’re finished,” she said, waving at me as she walked off. We both watched her go, and I took a second to make sure there wasn’t anyone close enough to over hear our conversation—a conversation I seriously couldn’t believe I was about to have in the middle of the quad—but there wasn’t anyone that close, and everyone around was pretty much caught up in doing their own thing anyway. I figured I was safe enough as long as neither Shane nor I started yelling, and I turned to look at him.

And promptly decided that coming to ‘talk’ or whatever the fuck I’d had planned was another one of my bad ideas. Somewhere in the time it took me to walk over to Shane and ask Caydence to leave, I completely forgot that I didn’t have a fucking clue as to what I was going to say.

Shane was staring at me, an expectant look on his face, like he was waiting for me to explain myself. As far as I was concerned, he was the only one of us that needed to explain.

And fuck it, I decided with a sigh. Who cared if I made an ass out of myself…again. One more time wasn’t going to do much damage.

“My phone’s been charged,” I blurted, suddenly. “All weekend.” Yeah, that was the best I could come up with. Whatever.

I’m not entirely sure how I expected Shane to respond, but an apology wouldn’t have been unwelcome. Or maybe an excuse. Amnesia. Car accident. The fucking flu probably would have sufficed.

I didn’t get any of that.

Instead, Shane raised an eyebrow and said, “Yeah? So was mine.”

I didn’t have a mirror handy, so I can’t tell you exactly what my face looked like at that moment, but I imagined it was ridiculous. Also, I wasn’t really seeing what point Shane was trying to make. Mostly, he was just making mine, which was that he could have called, and he didn’t.

“So, why didn’t you, you know, use it?” I asked, ripping up a handful of grass and dropping it on my lap.

“I did,” he said, and something unpleasant happened in my chest. “I used it a bunch of times.”

“You called me?” I asked, my eyes widening, and wondering which of my theories as to why my phone hadn’t been ringing was correct.

Shane shook his head, slowly, holding my stare. “No,” he replied, and his voice sounded hollow. In a forced sort of way, like he was trying to keep cold and I hated it. I was used to Shane’s voice being smooth and warm and…I was worried. I itched to get up and run away, but I didn’t.

I stared at him for a long minute, listening to the sounds of people laughing, and screaming around me. I think I was trying to figure out how to word my next question, but when I opened my mouth, it came out pretty much on its own.

“Why the fuck not?” I asked, thoroughly confused.

Shane shrugged. “Why didn’t you?”

“Why didn’t I what?”

He sighed, pulling his knees up to his chest and leaning forward on them, still staring at me. Not glaring…just a stare, like he was trying to figure me out.

“Why didn’t you call?” he reiterated.

I frowned, taken aback by that question, so much so, that I almost slipped and told him that I did call. Except, that wouldn’t have been a good idea, seeing as how I never actually waited for the phone to ring. I wasn’t ready to be that lame.

So, I just sort of glared at him accusingly. It was a really stupid question, and if he had any kind of smarts at all, he knew the answer to it. I couldn’t do it. He was the one that knew what he was doing, or…so I assumed. He was never bothered by the gay thing and he didn’t freak out uselessly and overanalyze to the point of exhaustion. It would have been easy for him to call, or come over, or…whatever.

I was a pussy. Duh. Where the hell had he been for the past couple of months?

It didn’t take him long to cave under the glare, but he looked more tired than intimidated, which was what I was going for, and he let out a breath, straightening his legs as he leaned back on his elbows.

“I didn’t think you’d want to talk to me,” he said, staring up at the sky, away from me. “I thought you were okay when you were at my house, but…” he sighed, shrugging. “I saw you running. I picked up the phone a couple times to… I don’t know, see if you were okay, or whatever, but I figured it’d be better if I just waited for you to call, or come over.”

For the life of me, I couldn’t see the sense in any of that, but that could be because I didn’t hear much past ‘I saw you running’.

“I was running because I was late,” I lied. I just wasn’t about to tell him how pathetically giddy I’d been, all over a simple fucking hand job.

The look on Shane’s face was a skeptical one, and I was almost offended. Even if I was lying.

“You were freaking out,” he accused, pinning me with a stare. “It’s cool. I get it. But that’s why I didn’t call.”

“I wasn’t freaking out,” I said, honestly. “I mean…not a lot.”

Shane snorted, and there was no ‘almost’ about it, I was definitely offended. I’d give him plenty of reasons to think I might freak out after what’d happened, but he didn’t have to rub it in.

“Don’t be an asshole,” I muttered, ripping up more grass from the ground. “I’m here, right? And I wanted to talk to you. Or see you. Whatever.”

“Then, why didn’t you do something about it?” he asked, frowning. “I know you know how to use a phone. I’ve seen you in action. You dial like a pro.”

I raised an eyebrow. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“You could have called me,” Shane said, speaking slowly, enunciating each word as clear as possible.

I did not answer that. I felt my glare said it all anyway. He couldn’t have actually expected me to call. Hello? Pussy? I swore we’d been over this already.

Talking in circles is what Shane and I do best.

“That’s what I thought,” Shane said when I didn’t respond. “You could have called just as easily as I could have. Neither of us did. We’re both stupid. Get over it.”

This was not the conversation I had planned. He was supposed to apologize and start making excuses. Or something like that. He wasn’t supposed to be a dick to me, and for once, I tried thinking of a reason why I might deserve it…but couldn’t find one.

“You know what?” I said shaking my head, and standing up abruptly. “You should really go fuck yourself.”

Shane grabbed my hand and yanked me back down to the ground. It hurt my arm more than it hurt my ass when I fell, and I glared at him.

“I’m sorry,” he said, and he looked like he meant it. Which is the only reason I didn’t get back up. “I don’t think I meant that. I think I’m just…pissed off.”

“I didn’t do anything,” I said, frowning at the how childish I sounded. It was a sentence I used to use on my mother all the time. When I was, like, five.

“I know,” Shane said, nodding and looking up to meet my eyes. It was strange how comforting that was, considering the fact that I used to hate it when he looked into my eyes. He chewed his lower lip before continuing. “I don’t think I’m pissed at you. It’s just easier to yell at you…I spent the whole weekend stressing and I was pissed of…mostly at myself for…pushing you or whatever.”

“You didn’t push,” I started, but he kept on talking like he didn’t even hear me.

“Liking you is really… I don’t know. Difficult? Whatever. The point is, I can’t stop, but I really fucking hate this. I’m not…” he sighed, shaking his head and for a second, I think what I was feeling was fear.

“I don’t hold back,” Shane went on. “It’s not really who I am. I’m cool with not letting anyone know about, you know, me and you. I’m even okay with not talking about you to Caydence, who, by the way, wouldn’t care, and she definitely wouldn’t say anything. I’m fine with being just your friend when we’re not alone, but I hate having to pretend with you. It’s stupid. And it’s pointless.

“I like you. You know that. I hate wondering every fucking time I do something, whether or not you’re going to freak out and run away. And I’m not talking about—you know—what happened the other night. I’m okay with waiting, and I probably should have, but… I don’t know. You don’t even want me looking at you. It’s kind of hard to handle, because I do really like you, and I want you…around.” He cracked a small grin at that, but it was gone in a second flat. “But, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells all the fucking time, because you have a shit load of rules or invisible lines that I’m not supposed to cross and the second I do…you’ll take off.”

I shook my head, opening my mouth to speak. To tell him none of that was true…except I wasn’t entirely sure he was wrong about some of it. I wasn’t sure whether or not I was ready for anything. I was winging it. I had no idea what I was doing and I was pretty much dealing with everything as it came.

But it didn’t seem fair. I was doing the best I could, and I felt like that should count for something.

He sighed. “You confuse the shit out of me. You want me and then you don’t. You stare at me, and then glare when I stare back. I get that you’re…scared, or whatever… I just don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.”

“Neither do I, Shane, I’m…”

“I’m sorry I didn’t call you, alright? And I’m really not trying to be an ass, and I’m not saying you’re wrong because I understand—mostly. But you’ve got to cut me some slack because I really don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with you. I’m working with my best guesses, and the last time you ran away from me—,”

“I didn’t run away this time, I was…”

“The last time you ran,” he went on, determined. “You didn’t answer my calls anyway. You were acting alright at my house, but I saw you running and…I really figured you wouldn’t want to talk to me.”

“I did,” I insisted, and I knew I sounded pathetic, but at the moment, I really didn’t give a shit.

Shane snorted, giving me a look that said ‘yeah, right’. And then he actually said, “Yeah, right,” and shook his head at me.

It really pissed me off. Maybe I deserved what he was saying, because yeah, at one point, most of it had been totally true. But it wasn’t anymore and I was pretty sure I hadn’t done anything wrong.

It was on the tip of my tongue to keep on about the phone call, or lack of one, but that all seemed kind of pointless, and stupid. Shane hadn’t called. Neither had I. I couldn’t figure out which one of us was wrong, and it didn’t seem all that important anymore.

“I wasn’t freaking out,” I told him, shaking my head at how stupid both of us were. I just… I didn’t want to be fighting with him anymore. Not when it was obvious that both of us were just fucking idiots, and there’d been a misunderstanding. “And I wasn’t running from you, I just…felt like running.”

Shane nodded, looking away. I frowned. He could have at least pretended he believed me.

“I liked it, okay?” I snapped. Christ, you have no idea how lame that sounded, considering I’d wanted to say so much more…and that was all I could get out. I wanted to tell him about the way I spent my weekend. Thinking about him, instead of bridges and shit like that. How…how what happened didn’t scare the shit out of me, but was exciting instead. I wanted to tell him how, even now, when we were fighting—or at least it felt like fighting—I still felt warm just being close to him.

But I couldn’t. People don’t just say things like that. Especially not me. The best I could come up with was ‘I liked it, okay?’ and I was so…just…God, I can be so fucking ridiculous.

Shane apparently agreed. He snorted. “Yeah. I knew that, actually.”

“So, what the fuck is the problem? I wasn’t freaking out, for once.” And really, I didn’t see how that was so hard to believe. “I was happy about it. I spent most of my weekend looking forward to seeing you…though, I’ve gotta say, this definitely wasn’t what I was waiting for. I’m definitely disappointed, dude.”

Shane laughed, shaking his head. “You’re so…” he tilted his head, offering me a small grin. “Insane,” he whispered.

“Okay,” I said, trying to keep my voice level. “Well, so are you. Whatever. Can we just…forget it?”

That wasn’t exactly what I meant because, I didn’t want to forget it. I just didn’t want to be having this conversation anymore. Also, arguing about who was wrong was starting to feel really pointless. We were both idiots.

Shane frowned, turning to look at me, his head cocked to the side, and I thought for a second that I might have just pissed him off again. I groaned internally. I was getting really tired of fighting with him, when all I really wanted was to…relax. To have fun, and listen to him laugh, or whatever.

But he lost the frown and nodded slowly. “Alright,” he shrugged, and no bullshit, the cold, detached thing he had going just…disappeared. In, like, a second flat. It was jarring, but I hadn’t realized how much I hated it until it was gone. It was weird. It was like his mood was affecting the air around us and when he lost the dark, distant thing, everything felt better. I actually smiled back when he smiled at me.

“So,” he started, sitting up. “You’ve already had World History today, right?”

I nodded, letting out a breath, and found myself relaxing for the first time since I took my seat. School wasn’t exactly what I wanted to be talking about with him after two days of not talking to him at all, but I wasn’t about to nit-pick. I was just…glad to be done fighting.

“Yeah,” I said. “I had him last period.”

“How’d you do on the test? I was thinking about you when I took it, and I was going to help you get ready this weekend but…well, you know.”

My eyes shot up to meet his. “There wasn’t a test,” I told him. Sure, I’d been paying as little attention as possible in that class, but I was pretty sure I’d have noticed if any tests had been handed out.

“There was,” Shane said, raising his eyebrows. “It was verbal.”

Oh. Well, that would explain why Harper kept calling on me. I thought he was just being a dick.

I sighed, shaking my head. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure I failed that. Actually, I think I can safely guarantee I failed that.”

“You’re not an idiot, Jake,” Shane said in the voice I’ve found he saves for when he’s trying to reassure me. “What was your question? How’d you answer?”

I frowned. “I told Mr. Harper to back off and call on someone that actually gives a shit.”

Shane laughed abruptly, but he stopped when I glared at him.

“…Seriously?”

“I’ve got the detention to prove it,” I muttered. I was not looking forward to explaining this to my mom.

“Why the fuck would you do that?” Shane asked, looking genuinely appalled. Sometimes, I wonder if it’s just Shane’s looks that keep him away from the geek label. Or maybe it’s that the gay thing just distracts most people.

I shrugged. “It’s just one test. It doesn’t matter.”

“Maybe you can make it up,” Shane offered, shaking his head, sporting a look of shocked amusement.

I rolled my eyes. “Who cares?”

Shane snorted. “Obviously not you. I just thought that—,”

“Shane,” I cut him off, grinning slightly. I changed my mind. If we were done arguing, I didn’t want to be talking about school. I didn’t even want to be at school. “You want to get out of here?”

He gaped at me. “You want to skip school?”

I nodded.

“But you just failed a test.”

I didn’t really see how that made any difference. It wasn’t like staying was going to undo the damage.

“Yeah,” I said, still nodding. “Not really seeing your point.”

“There might be more tests,” he pointed out. To me, that sounded like all the more reason to go.

I just shook my head to let him know how much I really didn’t care.

“Fine,” he said, sighing. “That way’s not working…but do you really expect me to just…leave. My parent’s will flip.”

It seemed only fair; actually, seeing as how it was his fault I failed that test anyway.

“They’re only going to find out if you tell them,” I lied, shouldering my book bag. “I want to go. And I want you to go with me.”

Honestly, I never thought he’d actually say yes. I kind of figured he’d refuse, but I thought I might at least be able to talk him into leaving campus for lunch, and I planned to ask him to do that as soon as he turned me down. I didn’t really care how long we were gone; I just…didn’t want to be with the crowd at the moment, even if they weren’t paying attention to us. I hadn’t even seen Shane in two days, and I wanted the feeling I’d had the last I saw him back. I wanted to be alone with him, to look at him without having to worry. To touch, or kiss, or talk, or laugh, and be as pathetic as I wanted. Even if it was just for the rest of the lunch period.

I got to my feet and held out a hand for Shane, and I waited for him to tell me ‘no’, when I saw the frown on his face. But that’s not exactly what he said.

He looked up, first at my hand, and then at me, biting his lip for a moment before saying, “Your parents aren’t home, right?”

I grinned. The day hadn’t started like I’d intended but it was starting to look up now.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Shane doesn’t know how to shout. Or, he yells like a girl. I found this out when we left school, and instead of going back to my house—because apparently, Shane hadn’t been inviting himself over when he asked whether my parents were home or not—we went to the park, instead.

We were trying to play catch with a flat soccer ball. It wasn’t really working when we tried to kick it back and forth, so we decided to throw it. Just to kill time.

Shane tried to keep up conversation as we did so, but no matter how serious he was being, I couldn’t stop laughing. Because Shane doesn’t know how to shout. Whenever he tries to raise his voice, it doesn’t really get any louder. It just gets…pitchy. It sounds more like a high pitched uneven whine than anything else.

I thought it was hilarious. I laughed at every last thing Shane said to me, and I couldn’t really hear a word of it. Shane kept looking at me like I’d lost my mind—like he really didn’t get what I was finding so funny, which was just…funnier, so I’d laughed harder and I couldn’t catch the ball after a while.

I’d always thought that Shane kept his voice low on purpose. Hearing him yell…well, I didn’t think it anymore.

“Are you okay?” Shane asked, walking over to me, soccer ball under his arm. “What’s up? Did I miss a joke?”

My eyes watered.

Shane raised an eyebrow, with a look of amused confusion on his face as he waited for me to sober. It actually took awhile. I’m not sure what it was, but…Shane’s voice is always so low, and smooth. Kind of sandy smooth, that rasp always there sending shivers up my spine. And he just doesn’t look like he’d be capable of making high pitched girly noises.

“Sorry,” I said, wiping my eyes. “It’s been a weird day.” I don’t know why I didn’t just tell him. I think I liked that he seemed completely unaware, though, I couldn’t tell you why.

“Nah,” Shane said, tossing the ball to me. “You’re just a weird person.”

I shrugged. “Probably.”

Shane grinned, stepping closer still. “I’m bored with this,” he said, softly, looking at me from under his eyelashes. And, I have no idea why he was doing that, and even less an idea why it made my mouth dry to see, but I swallowed a couple times, totally done laughing now, thanks.

“Okay,” I said lamely. I wondered if this meant we could finally go to my house. I was actually kind of pissed at first when we didn’t go straight there. I wanted to be alone with him. I didn’t want to be at the park with a bunch of parents and kids that weren’t old enough to be in school yet, tossing around an abandoned soccer ball. The only reason I didn’t complain about it was because…it wasn’t actually all that bad. I was having fun, and just being there with him was cool.

“Okay,” Shane repeated slowly, laughing softly. He shook his head. “I’m gonna go swing. It should help with my boredom issues.” He turned to walk in the direction of the playground.

I snorted, following him. “We’re too old for that. Also, we’re not girls.”

“So?” Shane asked, lifting an eyebrow. “It’s a swing set, not a dress. What’s your point?”

“My point,” I said, “is that we’re not gay either and…” I didn’t get to finish that sentence on account of Shane laughing at me. I frowned. “I didn’t mean that like it sounded.”

Shane kept laughing. “And here I thought you were finally admitting it.”

I glared at him. I really didn’t mean that like it came out. I meant…I think maybe I meant to say ‘we’re not ‘lame’’ but it came out the way wrong.

Shane nudged me with his shoulder as we walked. “Lighten up, emo boy. All that frowning must give you a headache.”

Ha. That was rich considering the mood he’d been in when I first approached him that day. He was the one that did the avoidance thing and was all moody and dark and ruined my whole day.

“You’re cute when you pout.” Whispered in my ear.

Okay…maybe not my whole day.

Instead of glaring at him, like I normally would for a comment like that, I found myself holding back a grin, my face heating as I flashed back to zippers and kisses and cold hands… or just the one…

I cleared my throat. “You’ve said that before.”

“I know,” Shane replied, shrugging. “It’s true. And I was just seeing if I could get away with saying it now.”

Well. At least he was honest. I was still on the fence as to whether or not I liked that about him.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, even though I had a pretty good idea. I was playing stupid. I could be okay, with some things, as long as no one heard. I just wished he wouldn’t call me on it.

“You’re different today,” Shane said. “I was just testing.”

I had no idea what the fuck he was talking about.

“Testing what?”

Shane grinned over his shoulder. “Let’s swing,” he said, ignoring my question. “I promise it won’t give you a limp wrist.”

“Huh?” Sometimes, Shane was weirder than Caydence. I could definitely see why they were friends.

“Nothing,” Shane said.

“I’m not swinging,” I told him, shaking my head. “But I’ll race you across the monkey bars.” It was lame, but not quite as lame as the swinging idea.

Shane paused, frowning like he was thinking about it, before he looked over at me. He cocked his head to the side.

“You don’t really look like you have a lot of upper body strength,” he said, thoughtfully.

I knew what that meant—and yeah, slightly offended—but who actually says stuff like that?

“Bite me, bitch,” I said, shoving him. “I’m a swimmer. I think I can handle the monkey bars.”

Shane laughed as he stumbled. I may have pushed him harder than I meant to. No upper body strength, my ass. I had enough to knock him over. Chew on that, fucker.

“Five bucks says I win,” I added, as we turned toward the bars. Two rows, which was good. I wasn’t sure how we could race otherwise.

Shane scoffed. “Five bucks? That’s it?”

I shrugged. “It’s all I’ve really got on me, but we can bet more if you want,” I said. “I’m going to win.”

Shane rolled his eyes. “Right,” he snorted. “We better keep it at five.”

He shot me a smirk when we got to the bars, reaching up to grab the first with one hand.

“Want a head start?” he asked.

I glared. “There are only ten bars. How much of a head start could you give?” And then, realizing that wasn’t the point, I added, “And no, I don’t. Jackass.”

Shane grinned, lifting his other hand to join the first. “Ready?” he asked.

I nodded. We raced.

And I was five bucks poorer.

“You cheated,” I told him, but I wasn’t exactly mad. I was actually trying not to smile. Shane looked way to happy with himself. Also…uhm, monkey bars? Who cheats at monkey bars?

“No, I didn’t,” Shane insisted as we walked away. I wasn’t really sure where we were walking to, but I didn’t really care either.

“Did so,” I told him, shaking my head in disbelief.

“No,” Shane retorted. “There were no rules. So, how could I break them?”

I hadn’t thought we’d need to make ‘no kicking’ rules because I hadn’t thought he’d actually do something like that, but still… I say it was cheating.

“Whatever, dude,” I said, pulling out the cash. “You kick like Chloe.” He didn’t know that was actually a compliment.

“Then why’d you lose?” he asked, and he shoved my hand away. “You can keep the five,” he said.

“Why?” I asked. Most of the people I knew never paid up, but whenever Ry and I made bets we always followed through. Otherwise someone ended up getting punched. It wasn’t like I needed the five bucks.

But Shane grinned, shrugging as he leaned in close, his shoulder brushing against mine. “Because… I totally cheated.”

I didn’t have a reply. ‘I told you so’ was the best I had and really…my best is sometimes shit.

I kept silent and kept walking. The park we were at was the biggest one in town, up on a pretty high hill. Ryan and I had tried walking up it once, and we quit halfway up. The stairs were a bitch too. Playgrounds, tennis courts, obstacle courses, a swimming pool, a fucking zoo. Shane and I were currently walking toward one of the lookouts—the one that faced the school. When I was a kid, I used to think you could see everything from up at the park. You couldn’t. Couldn’t even see half the town, but it was still one of my favorite places to be when I was a kid.

“Mine too,” Shane said, when I shared that piece of info with him. I expected him to tell me what a lame ass I was, but he didn’t. I wasn’t used to that. I was used to Ryan and Chloe—they were the only friends I’d had for so long, and they would have never let me get away with something like that. It was cool, and I loved them for it. But Shane…he was cool too.

I hoisted myself up on the stone wall at the drop off, kicking my feet over the edge.

“What are you doing?” Shane snapped, staring at my legs uneasily.

I snorted. “It’s a hill, dude. Chloe and I got sick once when we tried to roll all the way down, but it’s not going to kill me.” I reached out, tugging the sleeve of his shirt to get him to come closer. “Sit,” I added.

Shane shook his head. “Yeah…no. Go fuck yourself,” he replied.

I laughed, a little shocked, and raised an eyebrow. “What? Scared?”

He glared at me. “Motion sickness,” he said dryly. “I’m not so good with rolling. Ever.”

“Pussy,” I said, with a cough.

Shane gave me a look that clearly said ‘seriously?’ and shook his head.

“You know that peer pressure went out in, like, fourth grade, right?”

I shrugged, smirking. “Okay. Pussy.”

He rolled his eyes. “You seriously think that’s going to work?”

“If I keep doing it long enough,” I replied, and I really believed it. Whether or not peer pressure worked on him wasn’t the point. He’d get annoyed eventually and his only choices would be to climb up on the wall, or walk away.

I doubted he’d walk away.

“It’s not going to work,” Shane insisted, as I alternated between staring at the spot next to me and giving Shane a look that I hoped said ‘you know you want to’.

“Please,” I said, trying for the pout Shane was always saying was cute, but I don’t think it worked.

Shane laughed. Hard. “No,” he said, stepping closer. He reached up to tug my jacket. “You can come down here, though. With me.” And there wasn’t anything even remotely off with that sentence, that I could see, but it made something in my chest flip. I think it was his voice, the way it lowered and he sort of looked at me from under his lashes. Or…

Whatever. It made something in my brain sort of shut down for a minute and I was pretty sure it was rude to stare at him for as long as I did.

I swallowed, but my mouth was sort of dry and it kind of hurt. I cleared my throat. “Or,” I started, looking away from him. “…We could go to my house.”

I could feel Shane’s eyes on me, and it made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

“I thought you said your parents weren’t home,” Shane said, after a moment.

And yeah, that was kind of the point. Dumb ass.

“They’re not,” I said, my voice lowering all on its own. I wasn’t really sure what was happening, except that the air seemed thicker and going inside seemed like the best idea on the face of the planet, second only to going into my room and locking the door behind us.

I swallowed again. “So, you wanna go?” I turned to look at him.

He was frowning. Which, just for the record, isn’t all that reassuring.

“You want to?” he asked, sounding skeptical.

I bit my lip. “Yeah,” I said, and cleared my throat to try that again without sounding so pathetic. “Yeah. I kinda do.”

“With me?” Shane asked, raising an eyebrow. “Alone?”

No, shit.

“Mm hmm,” I said instead. And then added, “yeah,” because, apparently, it was my new favorite word.

Shane didn’t respond, and I tensed when I felt him climbing up on the wall to sit next to me. I think it was that I didn’t really want him to see me. Which, was stupid, and I couldn’t have even begun to tell why, but, it might have something to do with the fact that when I asked him to come over, I wasn’t exactly planning on…bible study, or whatever the fuck.

Shane stared at the side of my face long enough to have me twitching and shifting around restlessly under his gaze. He tugged the sleeve of my jacket—which, I had no idea why I was wearing, because I was kind of overheating at the moment—but I ignored him, looking off to the side, wishing there was a fucking squirrel or something I could pretend to be interested in.

“Hey,” he said, leaning closer. “What’s going on with you?”

“Huh?” I asked, and Good God, you’d swear he almost pushed me off the wall the way I tensed and my fingers grabbed at the edge. “What?” Breathless. And I was sitting down.

Pathetic.

“You’re…different,” he said, his tone soft, and almost cautious.

I turned to look at him. “What?” I asked again, because, I didn’t have a dictionary or thesaurus handy and I think that was the only word I knew. Also, I didn’t have the slightest fucking clue what he was talking about.

“I don’t know,” Shane replied, shrugging. “It’s just…you’re giving off this vibe, and it’s kind of making me think I could actually get away with kissing you right now. Here. Without you pushing me over. Which is weird.”

Oh, hell yeah, definitely weird, and I frowned; trying to figure out what it was that I was doing to give off those vibes so I could stop. There were people everywhere, and maybe I was just a little more relaxed about…whatever, other things, but the kissing was not going to fly. That’s what my room was for. You know the one with the lock on the door.

“Chill, dude,” Shane said, chuckling. “I’m not going to do it.”

I let out a breath.

“It’s just… I don’t know.” He sighed, and looking up to meet my eyes. “You’re really…okay?”

I almost snapped at him, because I’d been trying to tell him, and show him I was okay for the last couple hours. But…it was actually a good question. I’d never been anything other than a spazzed out freak with Shane. Obviously, that’d be what he was expecting. Hell, it was what I was expecting. So, I didn’t snap at him. I tried for a reassuring smile, and leaned over to bump my shoulder against his, ignoring the way he gasped, staring down at the steep hill below.

“Yeah,” I told him, chewing my lower lip. “I’m okay.” I grinned because, that I was really okay… was kind of awesome.

And Shane grinned back, letting out a breath, before slowly moving off the wall, saying, “Right. Okay. So…” he glanced up at me, his eyes doing that thing where they close most of the way again. “Your house?”

Finally.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

For the next few days, I think I spent every spare moment I had with Shane. For no other reason than when he wasn’t around, I couldn’t really think about anything else. I’m not sure if it was just because Shane was new, and I was still finding out more and more about him every day—and I already knew everything there was to know about Ryan and Chloe—but it was easy to just kind of put everything else on hold.

I was pretty sure I was being pathetic. But I couldn’t really bring myself to care. When I wasn’t around Shane, I wanted to be, and when I was around him, I had to have him close, and when I had him close, it never really felt like close enough.

It was kind of an exhausting feeling, but I couldn’t get rid of it. And I wasn’t exactly complaining. It was exhausting, but it definitely wasn’t bad. I liked him. A lot. And I really liked seeing the bright eyed smile he’d get every time I showed up at his house unannounced, or hearing the pleased way he said hi when I called him out of the blue just to say what’s up. I liked him.

I do this thing, where I obsess…you might have noticed.

But Shane didn’t seem to mind. Not yet, at least, though, it had only really been two days since I started showering him in my attention. He actually seemed to like it, except when it came to homework, which was damn near impossible to get done with him around. And since I wanted him around all the time…

…Well, homework was damn near impossible.

Shane sighed, after having explained some equation to me for the third time and having me sort of laugh and inform him that he chews his pencils when he’s reading. Which is gross, and he probably knew that, but whatever. I just noticed.

“Jake…” he said, looking torn between amusement and exasperation. “Come on.”

“No,” I told him, rolling my eyes. “I didn’t actually invite you over for homework, you know. I do homework with Chloe and Ry. I was using code speak.”

Shane laughed, dropping his pencil onto his book. “You should have said that on the phone. I would have finished mine before I came over.”

I shook my head. “Code speak doesn’t work if you say its code. Dumb ass.” I pushed his book aside, moving closer.

“Jake,” he said, actually scooting back, away from me. “I have to finish.”

“No, you don’t,” I said, and honestly, I didn’t care if I sounded desperate or whatever. I kind of was. Five days. Five whole days since he had his hand down my pants. And since I was okay with it, and I was pretty sure he was, I really didn’t understand why, or how we could have been in my house alone three times since then and still…nothing. It was ridiculous and if I ruined one more pair of sheets, my mom was bound to say something.

“I started it,” Shane went on, backed against my head board, with me still moving closer. “I should finish it.”

“You shouldn’t have started in the first place,” I told him, laughing. “I mean, I locked my door, dude. Who locks their door for homework? Not me. You’re kind of clueless.”

Apparently, that was hilarious, because Shane cracked up. “I’m clueless?”

I raised an eyebrow. “Well, yeah,” I said, grinning. “Kind of.”

Shane snorted, and then laughed loudly when I started toward him again. “Remember when you wouldn’t even kiss me unless I started it? I miss that.”

That had me frowning and I paused, sitting back to study him. “Seriously?”

Shane shook his head, not even bothering to think about it. “No. Not really.” He grinned, and sighed, reaching out to grab the front of my shirt. “Come here,” he said, like it was some big chore, or like he was doing it to appease me. Ha. Lies.

“You don’t have, like, pencil shavings in your mouth, right?” I said, smirking.

Shane just rolled his eyes and pulled me in to kiss him.

No pencil shavings. Not that I could taste.

It was late when Shane left, and since he was still being…I don’t know, weird, I ended up jerking off in the shower. I was serious about my sheets. Mom was already giving me strange looks, though that might have something to do with the fact that I changed them twice on Tuesday.

It was really late when I heard my bedroom window slide open, and my brain was definitely stuck on Shane in the worst way, because I actually smiled like I thought it was him. Which was ridiculous because I was pretty sure Shane would never do something stupid like come over to my house in the middle of the night to crawl through my window.

It was Ryan. But it isn’t something stupid for him, because he’d been doing it since he was tall enough to reach the branches in the tree on the side of my house and be able to climb up. After that, he did it all the time. Usually when he has a problem. The last time he climbed through my window in the middle of the night was when his dad threatened to put him in lock-up, at the boys’ home for troubled youth.

I lost the grin pretty much the second Ryan tumbled through the window, and I pulled my mind away from all things Shane long enough to realize it was him.

“Ry?” I asked in a harsh whisper, sitting up in bed. Ryan grunted and tripped over his feet, falling to the ground again.

“Jesus, Ry,” I said, trying to untangle myself from my sheets to get up. “It’s two in the morning, and my parents will probably kill something if you wake them up.”

“Sorry,” Ry said, not bothering to stand up again. He just kind of rolled over onto his back, and let out a deep breath. I waited for him to continue, but the fucker actually looked like he was falling asleep.

“Ry,” I snapped, only raising my voice slightly above the whisper I’d been using. Mostly because I wasn’t kidding about my parents.

“Hmm?” he mumbled, lifting a hand to scratch his chest, which was stupid because there’s no way he felt it through his hoodie.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I replied. I was worried, sure, but I was also tired, and a little nervous, because I was pretty sure the Jakey, Ryan sleepovers would go extinct after Ry knew.

“Can’t go home,” Ryan mumbled his brow furrowing. He opened his eyes to look up at me before continuing. “Got in a fight with Dad earlier,” he said, with a half shrug. “I came over right after school, but you were gone so I went to Colin’s.”

Shane and I hadn’t gotten to my house until around five, so I wasn’t surprised. I did feel a little guilty though.

“Colin’s?” I repeated, frowning. If Ry had a problem, I sincerely doubted Colin would be able to do anything to fix it.

Ry nodded. “He got me stoned and now, I’m pretty sure if I go home, my dad will bury me alive out back with my old ferret.”

There wasn’t a lot about that that really surprised me. None of it did, except for the stoned part; because Ryan didn’t do shit like that. He was a swimmer, and he always sort of laughed and told Colin to fuck off when he offered.

“What?” was pretty much my best response, so I went with it.

Ryan shook his head with another half shrug. I wanted to kick him. Or possibly Colin.

“Anyway,” Ryan said. “I tried driving around, but it started to make me sick, so, I’m here for the night.” He rolled over onto his side. “If you’re going to feel me up, at least try and make it good.”

And then I did kick Ryan, while he was down too, but I was pretty sure he deserved it.

“Asshole,” I muttered, shaking my head as I turned away.

“Yeah,” Ry snorted, dazedly reaching for his side to rub at the place I kicked him. “But it’s fun.”

“Jesus, Ry,” I said, moving to sit on the edge of my bed, away from him just in case I felt like kicking again. “What’s your problem?”

Ry shook his head. “Nope,” he said, taking a deep breath. “Don’t feel like talking. I came over earlier, and I waited, and I called after I left and you didn’t answer, so you miss out on the hallmark moment.” He rolled back onto his back and put his arms behind his head. “Fuck off, and leave me alone until next week.”

“You’re being a dick,” I stated flatly. And yeah, Ry was a dick all the time, just not usually like this. Not to me. And not usually when he was crashing at my house to keep his ass out of trouble. Which made everything a little more insulting.

“No, shit,” Ryan replied, laughing. “I think it’s because I’m pissed at you.”

Well. That made two of us. I didn’t really see what right he had to be pissed at me, though. I hadn’t done anything wrong.

“I didn’t do anything,” I said out loud, sighing because I was getting really tired of fighting with people I didn’t want to be fighting with. It gets old and this fight seemed pointless in more ways than I could count because, like I said, I didn’t do anything.

“Yeah, I know,” Ryan said. “I’m pretty sure I’ll be over it when I wake up. But, for now, I think I’m pissed at you. And I’m too tired to get over it.”

“Then why the fuck are you here?” I asked. I thought it was a valid question, but Ryan actually sat up and turned to glare at me.

Glares don’t look the same when the eyes they’re coming from can’t seem to focus and are sort of glazed over, but I got the point.

I cringed. Because Ryan and I were still best friends, even if he was pissed at me and I should know that. Or something. And I should also remember that even if Ryan refused to talk like a normal person, he’d be home in his own bed asleep if there wasn’t something wrong.

So, I gave him a pass. I didn’t apologize, but I decided not to ask him to either. “You sleeping on the floor?” I asked, sighing.

Ry nodded. “Yeah,” he said, and I wasn’t offended. Even if Ryan would have slept in my bed a month ago. I didn’t question it, and I didn’t analyze it.

I grabbed a pillow and tossed it to him, before making my way to the closet to get him a blanket. He mumbled his thanks when I threw it to him, and I climbed into bed, wondering if Ryan and I could get away with skipping first period for more sleep when I took a look at my alarm clock again. Two-thirty a.m. looks ugly when you know you have school in the morning.

I turned away, facing my door so I wouldn’t have to look at it. And I’d almost drifted back to sleep when I heard Ryan speak again.

“Hey… Jakey?” he said, in a thick sort of whisper. The Jakey thing is something that Ryan usually does when he’s making fun of me, but every now and then he slips into it when he’s in one of his darker moods, and he’s trying to cheer himself up. When he wants to lighten the mood. Or just when he wants to say something that he knows is going to sound cheesy and he doesn’t know how to do it except to make a joke out of it.

“Hmm?” I asked, rolling back over to look at him, even though he wasn’t looking at me.

Ry was silent for a moment too long, and I thought he might have passed out, but just when I was about to roll back over, he shifted, rolling away, turning his back to me.

“It’s Mom’s birthday tomorrow,” he said finally. He didn’t say anything else. Didn’t really need to.

“Oh,” I said after a few more seconds of silence, during which I let myself feel guilty. I hadn’t ever really forgotten before. “So, I guess that makes me the asshole.”

“I kind of think it does,” Ryan replied, but he didn’t really sound angry. Just tired, mostly. Like he’d had a really long day.

A really long day that I hadn’t been around for. Obsession…or whatever it was…was bad. Check.

It was starting to feel like everything I did was wrong in some way. Every time I thought I was doing right by one person, I ended up fucking another over. Like the way I neglected Shane when I was trying to fix things with Ryan. It was the same now, only reversed, and I felt like shit. Again.

There had to be, like, a balance somewhere.

I sighed, pulling myself out of bed again, almost tripping over the sheets tangled up in my legs as I did. I walked over to him and nudged his hip again with my toes until he opened his eyes and glared up at me.

“Take the bed,” I said, because, apologies with me and Ry are never fun, and whenever we actually have something to apologize for, just saying sorry never seems like enough. And I was pretty sure sympathy of any kind would only piss Ryan off.

Ry didn’t really need to be told twice, and he got up, leaving the blanket and the pillow on the floor for me, and crawled into my bed. He tossed me the second pillow, though, which was cool. I doubted I’d sleep with just one.

“We’re skipping school tomorrow,” I told him. “And after we visit your mom, we’re coming back here for sleep. A lot of sleep.”

It was a long time before Ryan said anything, and when he did, he didn’t agree with me, but he didn’t disagree either. He just shifted around on the bed for a second, before he let out a breath and said, “Goodnight, bro.”

“Night, Ry.”