In Due Time - 19. Epilogue

Epilogue

Nothing was supposed to be the same. I fought and fought against being gay the whole way. I even went as far as trying not to think at all as if that were actually possible, all because I didn’t want anything to change…and nothing did anyway. I’d wanted to keep my friends and family. I liked my life.

Right.

My parents knew. Ryan and Chloe knew. My world was supposed to be falling apart. I was supposed to be dealing with my parents disowning me and having my friends turn on me. Everything was supposed to change.

I figured I’d be alone on the streets in a gutter somewhere, or something lame like that. I never thought I’d end up here.

In English class. Taking the damn final. It seemed more than a little anticlimactic.

Also, the final? I actually spent a great deal of time stressing about the fact that I hadn’t read or paid attention to most anything we’d learned, and I spent even more time trying to make up for it. I even tried to figure out what the hell Oedipus was all about, spent hours studying it, and it wasn’t even on the final. It was all essays, and ‘read the excerpt’ questions. I listened this year, and I read all the seriously disturbing shit we were assigned, and I stressed about failing this damn class and for what?

Nothing. Totally anticlimactic.

I had been so prepared to lose everything. What a fucking joke.

“Cade?” I whispered reaching out to tap Caydence’s shoulder. She’d already finished the test. Because she’s a sad, overachieving loner.

She looked at me, perfect eyebrows arched in question.

“It’s totally going to be your fault if I fail. I asked you to tutor me.” Clearly, I hadn’t needed the tutor. I could read, which seemed to be the only requirement to pass this test, but still.

“Or maybe,” Caydence whispered back, actually lifting her hand to shield her mouth, because that’s not obvious at all. “Maybe you’ll fail for talking to me in the middle of your final.”

I rolled my eyes, turning back to my essay. “Whatever,” I muttered. “Still your fault.”

I finished the essay minutes before the bell and Caydence snorted audibly when I smirked at her as I set my paper on top off the stack on the teacher’s desk.

“Never stop being a spaz,” she whispered as I approached, as fond as Caydence ever is.

I rolled my eyes again before I grinned and batted my eyelashes at her as best I could and responded, “Sure thing. You stay a bitch forever, okay? K.I.T this summer!”

Her shoulders shook with silent laughter, cheeks flushing as she held her breath to keep silent.

Caydence and I had gotten a bit closer in the past month. She came over to my house after Shane cancelled on her and Tyler’s strawberry picking trip, and bitched at me for at least an hour, until I finally snapped and told her what happened but she didn’t leave after that. She stayed, and somehow, we ended up at my kitchen table taking apart my toaster. She bet me I couldn’t put it back together before my parents got home.

I did put it back together. And it looked right too. It just…didn’t exactly make toast anymore.

Caydence kept coming around after that and it was…cool. She wasn’t as close as any of my other friends but I thought maybe she could be. She was cool to talk to, and above all else she kept my mind occupied. She’d confuse me until it was impossible for me to think about how fucked up things at my house were, or she’d set me to work on useless tasks and kept me guessing as to why it was important to do it. And it was important, if you asked her. She was very convincing. I’d spent hours building a village of Legos with her a couple days back like it’d be the end of the world if I didn’t.

I liked Caydence. Caydence was…simple, in a complex sort of way that I’d never understand. But mostly, I liked that she didn’t try and get me to talk. Chloe and Shane were always on me to talk. Ry stayed off my case for the most part, but that didn’t seem to matter with Chloe there. Caydence was easier to be around sometimes. She never asked difficult questions opting instead to keep them to herself so she could make up answers to them and tell me about them later. It was kind of…awesome.

The bell rang, and Caydence waited for me to pack my bag and we left the classroom together.

“So,” she said as we stepped into the hall. “You know how your mom hates your marrow?”

It seemed like a harsh sentence, but it made me feel better. My mom didn’t ‘hate my marrow’ whatever that means. She didn’t hate me at all. But with the way she was acting, it was easy to forget. Until Caydence said something like that. It just sounded…so far off. It was so far off. I didn’t know what was up with my mother but…she didn’t hate me. And having Caydence say it like that reminded me somehow.

“Sure,” I said to Caydence anyway, grinning in spite of the topic. “What’s your point?”

“My ferret died,” she responded, and I’d have been jarred by the apparent sudden change of subject if I were talking to anyone else.

But it was Caydence. So, I nodded and patiently waited for that magical moment where her random words finally came together to make a crazy sort of sense.

“It was awful,” she said, serene smile contradicting her words. I wasn’t worried. Odds were evenly split as to whether or not we were talking about an actual ferret. Caydence had a thing for animals, but I was pretty sure she didn’t have any pets.

“I’m sorry,” I replied, not bothering with trying to sound sympathetic. Caydence didn’t seem all that sad anyway.

“Mmm,” she sighed. “Me too. My dad made me flush it.”

So most likely not an actual ferret. At least, I hoped not.

“Cade,” I sighed, giving up on waiting it out. “What’s it got to do with my mother?”

I wasn’t about to ask what ‘ferret’ meant for her, or how she flushed one. I was pretty sure I didn’t want to know.

Caydence shrugged, smiling wide, cheeks nearly obscuring her eyes. “At least, she didn’t flush you, right? Cause that would suck”

I took a deep breath and opened my moth to toss back my usual exasperated, sarcastic response, let her know how it totally was not the same thing, but I stopped short, exhaling on a laugh as her words caught up to me.

Sometimes, Caydence logic was my favorite. Even if she wasn’t exactly right. My mom may not have hated me, but I wasn’t entirely sure she hadn’t ‘flushed’ me. Or…whatever.

“Well,” I said, still laughing. “There’s that.”

Caydence shoved me with her elbow, grinning. “It’s something, right.”

I snorted, throwing an arm over her shoulder as we walked.

I’d never been the…touching type. For the most part it was annoying when Chloe did it, but lately… I wasn’t sure if it was that I was…needy, for lack of a better word, or lack of a more honest one. Or maybe it was because Chloe seemed to think it was her right to fucking hung me all the time and I’d just gotten used to it. Whatever. It was easier now, to touch. Not just Chloe or Caydence. Shane too. Most everyone really. I was pretty sure it’d be awkward if I ever pulled some shit like that on Ryan, but even he was closer somehow. He felt closer. I just…leaned on all of them more often than I used to.

I wasn’t going to analyze it.

Caydence walked with me to Ry’s car where he and Chloe waited for me after school. Shane no longer drove me home…for obvious reasons. Things may not have been as bad as I thought they were going to be, but they weren’t exactly great either and I wasn’t about to make it worse. Besides, I’d see him later.

“Hey, Chloe,” Caydence said as we approached Ryan’s car. She smiled like seeing Chloe was the highlight of her day…and ignored Ryan completely.

Chloe grimaced and didn’t bother trying to hide it.

“Caydence,” she replied, nodding at her.

I couldn’t be sure because girls were fucking weird and fully indecipherable, but I was pretty sure Caydence and Chloe hated each other. Caydence was always sickly sweet, and the kind of nice she never is to anyone she actually likes, and Chloe looks like she’s being stung by bees every time Caydence shows up. But they still made it a point to hang out.

“Mall later?” Caydence asked, and I almost laughed. Chloe was never going to agree to that. Chloe hated shopping almost as much as I did.

“Yup,” Chloe answered, and both Ryan and I almost got whiplash, jerking toward her to stare.

Chloe ignored us, forcing a smile at Caydence. “Just text me when you’re on your way to my house.”

“’kay,” Caydence said, waving as she walked off. “Later, Jacob.”

Fucking indecipherable.

“I kind of hate her,” Ry commented vaguely as she walked off. “She’s a douchey, little….douche, ya know.”

“She grows on you,” Chloe replied, darkly as we climbed into the car. “It’s fucking annoying.”

I rolled my eyes before spreading out in the back seat. Apparently the fact that Chloe was dating Ryan meant she could steal my seat.

“Ryan doesn’t like any girl that ignores him,” I put in with a sigh. “Caydence is awesome.”

Neither of them answered me, and I frowned. “You guys are not allowed to make out around me,” I announced when I felt it’d been too long since anyone had responded or…moved to start the car. “It’s a rule.”

“Bullshit,” Ryan shot back. “I have to watch you make out with your boyfriend, you can deal with me and Chloe.”

“You do not,” I retorted, flushing. Ryan was a lying liar who lied. I didn’t even notice the dreaded ‘B’ word I’d forbidden Ryan to use so many times before. “I do not do that in front of you.”

“Ha!” Ryan snapped triumphantly. “But you do it while I’m not there…and I saw it once. The image was burned into my brain forever. So deal with it, Bro-mo.”

God, Ryan was really a dick. I kind of loved him, anyway.

“Thought I told you to keep me outta your fantasies, Ry?” I said, grinning. Not because he was funny or even because I thought I was terribly clever. It was just awesome that it finally wasn’t too soon to joke about it.

Ryan glared at me and I smirked, adding. “I told you it makes me uncomfortable.”

“How ‘bout you bite me, Jakey?”

“Tsk, what Chloe must think,” I retorted.

Chloe laughed. “I think you’ve both got issues of the kinky variety. Could be fun to watch.”

Ryan and I blanched at that, and apparently both decided that silence was the best way out of that one. Neither one of us was touching that comment.

Watch? Jesus, her mother would be shocked. Also? Gross.

Ryan pulled in front of my house first, but instead of waiting for me to get out and driving off like he usually did, he pulled his keys from the ignition and started taking off his seat belt.

“What are you doing?” I asked, my hand pausing on the door handle.

“You can’t possibly still be grounded,” Ry complained with a whine. “We’re coming in.”

“I’m not grounded,” I replied. “But you can’t come in.”

I frowned at how foreign the words sounded coming out of my mouth. I was pretty sure I’d never said them to Ryan before, grounded or not.

Ry frowned, but he didn’t ask me any questions. He was good about that. I was pretty sure he knew that things with my parents weren’t exactly right—he climbed into my window often enough to figure enough out, but I’d never actually volunteered any information and he’d never pressed me for it.

“I’ll see you guys at Chloe’s later, alright?” I said, and closed my door before Chloe could get a word in. I loved Chloe. She was family but she more than made up for Ry when it came to hassling me.

I walked up the path to my house without looking back, and let out a sigh of relief when I heard Ryan’s engine start back up.

It was…stupid, but I didn’t want them to come in. I didn’t want them to see. I wasn’t even sure if they’d be able to pick up on it, but I didn’t want to risk it. I didn’t want them to know how things were with my mom. I didn’t want to have to talk with Chloe about it, and I didn’t even want to think about what Ryan would do, but I was sure he wouldn’t let it go if he actually picked up on anything.

The thing was, there wasn’t really anything different. Not…really. I was pretty sure I could bring anyone else over to my house and no one would ever know there was anything wrong. I wasn’t even in trouble.

It seems almost funny that I didn’t even get grounded. I figured I’d be forced to live out the rest of high school locked up in my room, banned from any contact with the outside world at the very least.

It didn’t happen. I kind of wished it had happened. I could deal with punishment. I’d had years of practice dealing with punishment, every time I got caught sneaking out, or whatever but I had absolutely no experience whatsoever dealing with a non-mother.

My mom had never been the type to take too much of an interest in what I did. I mean, she’d ask where I was going when I left the house, but she never seemed too concerned with the answer. And I was pretty sure my mother had never actually seen me do homework a day in her life. I’d always kind of liked that she wasn’t too worried about it. Ryan’s dad used to demand to see his homework when he finished it, and he’d called the school more than once to make sure Ryan was actually attending. My parents didn’t do that and I’d always thought it was cool. I got away with so much more.

But my mom didn’t need to pay too much attention to those things, because she almost always knew without asking if I’d done something wrong. When Ry had stolen her car, she knew I was guilty of something even before she knew it was missing and if I was upset, my mom was the first one to get on my case about what was wrong as soon as she noticed it. I never really asked for help when I needed it, never volunteered any information, but all I had to do was go into the kitchen or wherever the fuck my mom was and just…look at her and she’d know something was up and she’d fix it.

I didn’t really give a shit if my mom asked where I was going when I walked out the front door. For the most part, I preferred that she didn’t, but the rest of it?

My mom had been able to keep up her silent treatment for a grand total of nineteen hours. And…it sucked the whole time, but it didn’t even matter when she finally started talking to me again. She came up to my room, noted the way I’m sure my eyes were red, and she just…told me to go get my laundry and walked out.

And maybe I am just as much of a drama queen as Ryan says, but there was definitely something wrong with me now. She was supposed to do something or…at least ask if I was okay, right? I didn’t want to have some ridiculous heart to heart and discuss my big gay drama but, we were supposed to talk, right? She’d just…walked away, and she’d stopped looking or talking to me, and obviously there was a problem, but she just…wasn’t talking about that.

“Hey Mom,” I called out as I entered the house, same as every other day I got home from school, and same as always, my mom nodded at me, and asked if I had homework. Because now? That’s what she talked about.

I didn’t have homework, but that didn’t matter.

“Yeah,” I answered. “I’m gonna go to Chloe’s later to do it.”

Mom nodded without looking away from her book. Same as always, except for the part where she wasn’t looking at me. And it sucked but I was actually grateful for that now, because when she did look…

It wasn’t like she glared, or frowned or anything like that. It wasn’t even…unkind, not really. There was just something about her eyes when she looked at me. It made my skin itch, made me feel like running away. I had no idea why but there was something familiar about it, which was stupid, because I was positive no one had ever looked at me like that before. It just…felt familiar.

It was almost like the way people sometimes look at someone that walks with a limp or has a really obvious lazy eye. Like, part of them is trying not to look, because that’s rude and then another part of them feels like trying too obviously to avoid looking is just as rude. That’s kinda how my mom looked at me…but not really.

I don’t know. Maybe it wasn’t the look that was familiar. Maybe it was just the way it made me feel.

It made me remember sneaking my sheets down to the basement to wash them in the middle of the night, as if my parents were ever going to be able to figure out what I was dreaming about just by looking at them, and hey, it’s not suspicious at all to wash your sheets in the middle of the fucking night, right? It made me remember guilt, sharp and bitter like tasting soap the first time my mind wandered while I was jacking off.

It made me remember running from Shane, my lungs straining, while my mouth watered with salty saliva when he almost kissed me.

I thought it had sucked when she wasn’t looking at me, but it was better. Much better.

I toed off my shoes at the door, setting my backpack down near the coat rack no one ever used, and I wondered if she’d even notice if I didn’t take it with me when I left to do ‘homework’ at Chloe’s.

I stopped short of going upstairs, turning to my mother once more.

“I’ve got my last meet today,” I said. It was stupid. I was just…reaching. It was lame but at least I wasn’t spending anymore time crying into pillows like a little girl.

And Mom had always been supportive in a kind of distant way where she never came to my swim meets, but she knew both mine and Ry’s stats by heart.

“I know,” Mom replied, and there was a smile in her voice, even if there wasn’t one on her face. “The schedule’s on the fridge, remember?”

Of course I remembered. I was the one that usually reminded her.

I stood there for a moment longer, waiting for her to look up and…ask me what I wanted or…anything, but she didn’t. She just sat there for long moments before turning the page in her book.

I sighed and took off upstairs to change before I headed over to Shane’s. My parents had never specifically said not to go over there. I wasn’t even sure they knew he was the guy Ryan was talking about when he let it slip that he…

Yeah. I knew Ryan had said his name, but that didn’t mean my mom had heard, or that she’d told my dad. Neither of them said anything about it. My mom wasn’t talking about it at all, and my dad mostly just talked around it, in weird riddles and metaphors. But still… I never told them when I went over there. I always lied and said I was going to Ryan’s or Chloe’s. I used to try to avoid lying to my mom when I could, because she used to be able to see right through it.

If she still could, she was keeping it to herself.

I took the quickest shower of my life, partly because I knew I’d be taking another one before the day was over, and partly because I wanted to get out of my house as quick as possible. It was just…weird. My mom was acting normal as far as anyone else could tell. She wasn’t mean, or neglectful. She’d ask what I wanted for dinner and disregard everything I suggested just like always, but she was different. It felt…different. Too quiet, and too strained, and just too much.

“I’m going to the park,” I told my mom as I walked out the door. I didn’t wait for a response.

I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to get one anyway.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I met Shane at his house, but we didn’t stay there. He was waiting for me, standing next to his car when I got there.

“No,” I said, before he could open his mouth. “I don’t wanna go mini-golfing, or go-carting, or skating, or shopping, or bowling.”

“Good,” Shane said, smiling. “Cause we’re going hiking.”

“No, we’re not,” I responded, shaking my head. “I don’t wanna go hiking either.”

Shane rolled his eyes and stepped forward, reaching out to tug the hem of my shirt. “Sure, you do,” he said. “It’ll be fun.”

I sighed. “I don’t want to be around people,” I told him, looking toward the ground. “I’ve had a rough day.”

Which was bullshit, actually. It had been a fantastic day in comparison to some that I’d had over the last three weeks. Like the day my dad had taken my cell phone away, insisting that I wasn’t grounded, or being punished all the while, or the day my mother had tried forcing me to go back to church and I’d had to sit with Colin the whole, goddamn time.

“Hiking makes all things better,” Shane said, rolling his eyes, probably because he didn’t believe me. He was always good about just…sitting with me on those days that had really been bad. Whatever. I wasn’t exactly the world’s best liar. I couldn’t even keep the gay thing a secret when no one was trying to find it out.

“But…” Yeah, I had nothing to follow that up with. The thing is, it had been fun when he’d taken me go-carting, and skating, and even bowling hadn’t been all bad. And it wasn’t like I didn’t get to spend time with him alone afterward. It wasn’t that I hated going out or I was nervous about being seen with him either. It was something else.

“Come on,” Shane said, and I grimaced. He was damn near pouting and he wasn’t even trying to hide it.

“Please?” he added, lowering his voice to a tone that kind of made me shiver. Pathetic. He wasn’t even touching me. And yeah, I was totally already going to cave, but I kind of wanted to kick him in the shin for it.

It was Tyler. I really, really did not like Tyler. Caydence and Shane both acted like the guy shit gold, but I kind of hated everything about him. He had stupid hair, and stupid clothes, and he told stupid jokes that Shane always thought were fucking hilarious and he was an ass.

Shane had blown off strawberry picking to be around in case I needed anything the day after my parents found out, but that was it. Now, every fucking time Tyler wanted to do something, Shane was shoving me into a car.

Tyler was really a douchebag. I realize it sounds like jealousy. It totally wasn’t but I knew how it sounded and that is exactly why I hadn’t said anything yet, and I wasn’t about to start saying anything then.

“Hiking where?” I asked with a sigh, and Shane all but pumped his fist and did a victory dance. I did not like Tyler.

“Well,” Shane said, grabbing one of my belt loops and pulling me along as he turned to walk me toward the passenger side of the car. We were outside, in broad fucking daylight…

…and it kind of made me smile. A little.

“It’s not so much hiking as it is walking, and we’d be walking at the cemetery,” Shane said, and I could really only see the back of his head with him turned away from me, but I could practically hear him smirking.

And when he opened the door of the car and turned to hold it open for me, I could see he was smirking.

“Okay,” I said slowly, and didn’t take one step to get into the car. “Why?” I asked, and then I kind of felt like an ass because I never would have asked Ryan that question if he’d asked me to do the same thing. “Nobody’s dead, right?”

In my defense, I really couldn’t think of a better way to ask that question.

“No,” Shane said, chuckling lightly. “Well, yeah. I mean, lots of people are dead, but we’re not going to see anyone in particular.”

“Then, why?” I asked, and moved forward to get in the car. I wasn’t sure he was going to tell me—sometimes, he kept me guessing until it was too late to back out—so it was better to get in the car. The sooner we got there, the sooner I’d find out.

Shane shut me into the car without answering, but he turned to face me when he got into the car instead of starting the engine so I figured my chances of finding out now were good.

“Just to walk,” Shane answered, whispering like it was a secret, and it must have been secretly awesome because he was grinning like he’d just handed me the best news I’d get for awhile.

“Uhm…okay?” I said, and Shane laughed as he turned to put the keys in the ignition.

“It’ll be fun,” Shane insisted, pulling out of his driveway. “Caydence used to drag us all up there to take pictures and feed the ducks.” He grinned. “I brought bread.”

Right. It didn’t actually sound like a lot of fun to me, but I’d been wrong about most of the things we’d been going to do lately. I never would have thought I’d find anything to like about bowling. The only thing I actually did like about it was that I seemed to be pretty damn good at it, but still. I’d had a good time.

“Caydence is coming?” I asked perking up a bit.

Shane nodded. “Yeah,” he said, and turned to look at me for a second, eyes widening and almost literally lighting up, like he just thought of something awesome. “You could invite Chloe,” he said, because Shane was sick, and he loved to watch the two of them argue.

I raised an eyebrow. “And Ryan?”

Shane waved me off. “Yeah, obviously. But mostly, invite Chloe.”

I didn’t know how you ‘mostly’ invite one person over another, but I snorted, rolling my eyes at him as I pulled out my cell phone to text Ryan. I was pretty sure that didn’t count as ‘mostly’ inviting Chloe, but whatever. He didn’t like Ryan? Well, I didn’t like Tyler.

Ryan said they’d meet us there, which surprised me considering where we were going and how many people were going to be there, but I was glad for it.

We pulled up to the cemetery and Ryan and Chloe were already there, waiting at the gated entry with Caydence. And Tyler.

“Shane!” Tyler called out in a deep yell as we walked up, and I flinched and he dove toward Shane, hooking an arm around his neck and pulling him down. “It’s about damn time.”

Shane laughed; smiling wide and bright and he wrestled Tyler off, shoving him away good naturedly. “I told you I was waiting for Jake.”

Tyler looked at me like he’d just noticed I’d tagged along. Dick. Head. I always said so.

“Oh, right,” he said, shooting me a grin. “Ready to go swimming?”

He seemed pleased with himself and Shane started laughing.

I didn’t. “No,” I said simply, leaving him and Shane to chuckle about God knew what, as I moved to greet Chloe and Ry.

“Can’t get rid of you losers,” I said, grinning at them.

Ryan punched me in the shoulder way harder than necessary. “Nope,” he said, grinning as I reached up to rub what I knew was going to be a bruise in a couple hours.

“What are we doing here?” Chloe asked looking as confused as I felt when Shane told me we were coming.

“Uhm…” I said, frowning as I tried to think of whatever reason Shane had used to get me to agree to coming. “Feeding ducks?” I finished lamely, and Chloe arched an eyebrow.

“Right,” she said, slowly. “And…we’re the losers?”

“Fuck you, dude,” I replied laughing, because…yeah, that was kind of lame. I hadn’t fed ducks since I graduated kindergarten. “It wasn’t my idea.”

“Doesn’t explain why we’re here,” Ryan put in. He didn’t seem like he wasn’t okay with it though, so I shrugged.

“If I gotta suffer through it, so do you.”

Ryan punched me again. He was spending way too much time with Chloe.

“There are geese too,” Caydence put in, beaming like this little piece of news was supposed to make everything better.

“Uhm…” Chloe said, smiling. “That’s great, Caydence.”

“I know, right?” Caydence said, and turned to walk through the gates of the cemetery without looking back, to make sure the rest of us followed. We did, but Caydence didn’t seem to care.

It wasn’t…completely horrible. We went deeper into the cemetery than I’d ever been. The headstones got older the further we walked. Chloe kept gasping every time she saw a headstone where the dates of birth and death were less than a year apart, like she had no idea that babies died before. I didn’t even see a duck until we got closer to the center of the cemetery, and I found that there was a large pond there in the middle.

“See,” Shane said, running up behind me and knocking his shoulder into mine. “It’s pretty, right?”

Pretty? I snorted. “You are so…gay.”

Shane laughed, lowering his eyelashes as he looked at me. “Says my boyfriend,” he said in a voice barely above a whisper, because he’s a smartass.

Shane, Ryan, and Tyler took turns trying to push each other into the green sludge of the pond, and I joined in when Shane and Tyler started double teaming Ry, which, turns out, was a bad idea, because the three of them turned on me.

But Caydence actually put her hand in the slime, picked some of it up and chucked it…

Right at Tyler’s head.

We’d all been laughing, but everyone sort of froze when the gunk landed right at the back of his neck, waiting for his reaction.

Except, Chloe apparently didn’t feel like waiting. She keeled over, shoulders heaving as she laughed her ass off. She smiled brightly at Caydence, through eyes sparkling with tears, and Caydence joined her. Then me. Then Ryan. And finally Shane.

Tyler just stood there. And if I was laughing harder than anyone else, no one noticed.

“You little bitch,” he said after a moment, taking off after Caydence. She didn’t even try to run. She took his shoulder to the gut, and let herself be thrown over his shoulder.

“Say I won’t throw you in,” Tyler dared her as he carried her over to the pond.

Caydence laughed. “If I go, I’m taking you with me,” she said, reaching down to grip the belt loops of his jeans.

“You wouldn’t,” Tyler growled putting her down, and glaring.

“And you wouldn’t chuck me into the pond,” she replied. “So, there.”

She turned to walk away with a spring in her step but Tyler caught her, grabbing her arm just above the elbow to pull her back.

“I have no idea why I missed you,” he said, but he was smiling at her.

Caydence shrugged. “I’m very pretty. Smart too.”

“And obviously humble,” Chloe muttered, grinning. Ry stopped laughing long enough to move closer to us to wrap his arms around Chloe from behind.

I moved to join Shane on a bench he’d sat down on near the water. Not because I was sappy and pathetic like Ry and Chloe clearly were, but it’d been a long walk to get there.

“Hey,” I said, leaning in toward him to knock my shoulder against his.
I hadn’t expected him to turn to face me, and it brought his face really close to mine when he did. But I didn’t pull away.

“Hey back,” he replied, smiling softly. “It’s not so bad, right?”

I shrugged, nudging him again, for no other reason than the fact that maybe I was just as pathetic as Ryan and I wanted to be close. I wasn’t about to cuddle up with him or anything, but still.

“If you can get past the fact that we’re surrounded by dead people, it’s alright,” I replied, and Shane snorted, leaning closer still, until I could smell him.

He was right. It wasn’t that bad being there. Totally not as lame as I thought it was going to be, though I still wasn’t sure about the whole duck feeding thing. I was having a good time…but I didn’t want to be there.

I’d gotten past not being able to reach out for him whenever I felt like it when we were alone, but I still couldn’t do it out in public. I was actually okay with Chloe and Ryan, and even Caydence knowing about us, but I couldn’t…I just couldn’t yet. Not in front of them. I understood that we couldn’t just stay cooped up at his house all the time, but it was easier. When it was just him and me, I could just…I could just be. It was okay to just lean in and kiss him, whenever he looked at me with that smile, and I could now, without feeling skittish or wrong. I wanted it, and I was okay with wanting it, and even with him knowing, and I hated being there right in that moment, and feeling like it wasn’t okay.

Things were good with me and him right then, even with all my drama with my parents. I wanted him all the fucking time, and I couldn’t even touch him out here. It sucked.

Tyler made his way over to us, dropping down on the other side of Shane. I glared at him openly when he threw his arm across Shane’s shoulder.

“Can I get a minute?” he asked, and I was pretty sure he was talking to me, but he was looking at Shane. I was totally going to figure out a way to kick him in the shins and make it look like an accident.

Shane just grinned and nodded at him like it was no big deal, and the two of them got up and walked off. With Tyler’s arms still around his shoulders, and seriously, was that necessary? Ryan and I didn’t do that shit. I wasn’t jealous, but I kind of felt like he shouldn’t be allowed to do that. Not when I couldn’t, even if I wanted to. Which…I didn’t. Not really.

Fuck that.

I waited until the two of them moved apart and started beating the shit out of each other with the loaves of bread they’d brought along with them before I stood up and walked over.

“Hey,” I said again, fully interrupting the two of them. Shane stopped laughing, but he smiled when he looked up at me. I had no idea what Tyler did. I wasn’t actually paying attention to him.

“Yeah?” Shane asked, face flushed from laughing and I was okay. It was…okay.

“I, uh…” I just stood there. I had no idea what I was doing. My fingers felt tight, like I couldn’t bend them, and my tongue was sticking to the roof of my mouth and, fuck, I wasn’t sure this was going to work. It was pathetic. I was pathetic, and awkward, just standing there while Shane stared at me and waited for me to tell him what I wanted.

“Jake?” he pressed, taking a step closer to me, and I let out a breath and fucking let it go.

“I’m gonna…” I started, and then rolled my eyes at myself. I stepped in closer and reached up to grip the back of his neck to pull him closer.

“Jake?” he said again, more urgently this time, but I ignored it. I could feel his breath against my lips. I was close, so close, and there wasn’t really a point in backing out anymore.

So, I didn’t.

I lifted up my chin to press my lips against his. It wasn’t our best kiss. It was dry, and stiff, and kind of awkward. I was way too aware of everyone around us, specifically the way they’d all gone deathly quiet, and to be honest, I couldn’t really do much more than stand there with my lips against his. This…really wasn’t what I’d had in mind when I walked up, but I was going with it. I just had no idea where to go from there. It wasn’t part of the plan, and Shane? Was not helping.

I pulled away after less than a minute, but it felt like more. Now Shane was the one standing there, dumbstruck, just staring at me. Someone cleared their throat, but I couldn’t have begun to guess who. It seemed way too far away to pay attention to. But it shocked Shane out of whatever daze he was in, and he ducked his head, biting his lip on a smile.

I let out a breath I didn’t even realize I was holding and I stumbled a bit, dizzy with it.

I heard the throat clearing again, and I didn’t have to guess where it came from because Ryan spoke up right after.

“We’re totally allowed to make out around him now,” I heard him say, followed immediately by a slap that I guessed came from Chloe.

I laughed. My chest felt light and my parents could really kiss my ass, because it felt awesome.

“Whatever,” Tyler said, rolling his eyes at us, but even he was smiling.

Shane was still just looking at me, small smile just starting at the corner of his lips.

“You wanna…go?” he asked, voice soft, and I grinned wider.

“Nah,” I whispered, wrapping my fingers around his wrist, tugging him forward. I didn’t kiss him again. Just pulled him close to lean against him. “We can stay. We’ve only got a half hour before we have to get ready for the meet anyway.”

Shane looked like he was trying to frown, but couldn’t quite pull it off. “Well…okay, but,” he paused to grin at me. “You’ll come over after?”

I smiled, letting go of his wrist to grab the loaf of bread from his hand. “Yeah,” I said, and I couldn’t shake that feeling in my chest. “Wanna go feed some ducks?”

Shane laughed, shaking his head. “Alright,” he said, on a sigh, and I was pretty sure he was feeling it too.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Everything echoes at an indoor pool. I loved it, and I was used to it. So much so that I placed last in every event that I was in the one time I swam at an outdoor pool. The whistles are louder inside, and it seems like you can literally hear every single voice in the crowd, though you can’t make out what any of them are saying in the chaos.

It was my favorite place to be. Outside of being able to brag about it to Ryan, or whatever, I really wasn’t worried about winning big. It was always awesome to place first, but it wasn’t something I made myself sick over. I liked swimming. I liked to be at the meets, and I loved being a part of the whole thing, but racing wasn’t really my thing. If I thought about the fact that it was a race at all while I was in the water, I was sure to lose.

Coach was always saying I had potential. He gave me lectures about how good I could be, and how I’d be excellent in the relay if I could just ‘hone’ all that ‘potential’.

I didn’t buy it. It was also never going to happen. The relay race was too much pressure. Disappointing the crowd wasn’t a big deal; I didn’t know most of them. But the guys in the relay took it seriously and there was no way I could handle that much pressure. Ryan lived for the relay, and the four hundred yard freestyle. During practice, he’d ignore even me the second we hit the water. He took the drills seriously, and tried his damnedest to beat his best times. If coach tried to put me in, I’d totally crack under the pressure, and I was sure Ryan would actually try his best to kill me. No, thanks.

I loved being there, though. I even liked watching the other races. There are parents in the crowd, cheering, and there’s water splashing, and if you listen closely, you can hear the name of each and every swimmer who’s in the water just above the din of the crowd.

“Push it, Ry,” Toby called out from his place next to me on the bench, as if Ryan could hear him. I didn’t like Toby after what I’d heard of him from Shane, but I smiled anyway as I watched Ryan cut through the water. He wasn’t in the lead—he never was at the start of the race—but that didn’t matter. Ryan was actually really good. He kept up a decent speed, stayed in the top three for most of the rest, but it wasn’t until after the turn and half way across the pool that he really showed anyone what he was capable of, shooting past the rest the already tired swimmers to take first.

I rarely placed first, but it wasn’t often that Ryan didn’t.

I jumped off the bench clapping and cheering when Ryan arrived first, looking to his left and then immediately to his right to see if anyone had gotten there before him. It was a close race this time, and I’d seen it, but it had to be hard to tell from where Ryan was. I watched as he ripped off his goggles, squinting up at the scoreboard, before turning to look at me with a frown on his face.

I rolled my eyes and gave him the thumbs up, laughing when he slammed a fist against the water before jumping out of the pool.

“Yes,” he said, as he approached, grinning wide. “I knew I could take that fucker.”

I didn’t know which ‘fucker’ he was talking about, Ry had never really said, and probably never would say when he was nervous about a race.

“You’re not nearly as awesome as you think you are,” I commented throwing a towel at him. He threw it right back. I wasn’t sure why they gave us towels when none of us actually dried off with them. We mostly just used them to abuse each other.

“I’m totally awesome,” he argued, smug expression firm in place. He dropped down on the bench next to me and lifted an eyebrow. “You gonna tell me what she’s doing here, or are we just supposed to pretend it’s not happening?”

“Who’s here?” Toby asked, leaning closer.

Ryan just glared, and I laughed when Toby wilted under it and scooted far away from us.

“Your mom,” Ryan said, leaning in so that I could hear his whisper and I frowned as I turned to look out at the crowd.

At first, all I saw was Chloe glaring at someone, and I was almost surprised to find my mom on the receiving end of that glare.

“What’s she doing here?” Ryan asked again as I continued to stare.

I shrugged. I really had no idea. I’d been swimming since the school had started allowing us into the pool and my mom had only come to one meet. I definitely didn’t get why she’d pick now to start showing up.

I turned away from my mom, back to the pool when Shane’s event was called. Whatever. I’d deal with her later.

Whenever Coach is talking about these meets at school on Monday, he uses words like ‘fierce’ when he’s talking about Ryan, and sometimes Carter, which is cool. Fierce is a good thing to be, right? Shane though? Coach always said Shane was ‘elegant’. Which was…less cool, but he was right. Shane was…smooth, in the water. His nailed his turn, his arms and legs moved in perfect rhythm and he was fast.

He placed second, but even I couldn’t tell until it went up on the board. Shane came out of the water smiling. Which, I didn’t get. I remembered him telling my mom he wanted to beat David Rosner after the first time he lost to him, but he didn’t seem all that upset about it.

I placed third in my event. And then I got it. I was lucky to have placed at all. I frowned when I heard my mom screaming above the rest of the crowd, like I’d just done something amazing. Like she fucking cared.

I was done swimming for the school year, and it kind of sucked. I could still swim on my own time, but it was fun doing it for school. It was cool hearing my name over the morning announcements, and having people know who I was without my ever having met them. I was going to miss it.

I showered with the rest of the team, laughing and joking about who had got their ass kicked, and how Ryan rocked the pool. Shane wasn’t there, but he never was. It was still a good time, though, and I almost forgot all about my mother.

I waited for Shane after most of the team left, and I was shocked when Ry sat down to wait with me. He even congratulated Shane on his race when he finished dressing and joined us. Winning always put him in a good mood.

Chloe was waiting outside the locker room when the three of us filed out, and just behind her was my mother. And seriously, what the fuck was her issue?

I expected my friends to walk away and give us some space. It’s what they usually did whenever I used to get into trouble while they were around. Shane looked like he wanted to back off, but he kept glancing at Ryan and Chloe, like he was waiting to see what they would do. And they didn’t leave.

“What are you doing here, Mom?” I asked, and I was honestly curious. I wasn’t trying to be a dick; I just…really didn’t get it.

My mom just smiled wide, eyes bright. “I figured you didn’t remind me for no reason,” she said. “You did good, honey. It was really close.”

It seemed so fucking real, and my throat closed up, because she didn’t do this anymore. She avoided me when I looked upset. She never asked what was wrong, or made sure I was okay or…anything. She walked away, and pretended she didn’t notice. She ran out of things to say to me after ‘how’s the chicken’ and she looked at me like I was wrong, and I wasn’t. I knew I wasn’t.

“…too, Ryan, your mom would be proud,” she was saying, but I could barely hear her. I could hear the blood rushing in my ears, and my eyes stinging for no reason except that I didn’t know why she was there.

“I’m proud of you, honey,” she said, talking to me again, and seriously, what the fuck? She reached out, pulling me close enough to hug, and I didn’t mean to…I didn’t even think about it, but I jerked away, staring up at her with wide eyes.

“What are you doing?”

“Jake,” she said, aghast, but still smiling. “I told you, I was—,”

“Why are you here?” I cut her off mid sentence, and she jumped, startled, smile freezing on her face, before slowly starting to melt off as she got a good look at me. I shook my head. “Why are you acting like…”

“Like what, Jacob?” She asked, her eyes starting to lose that bright, excited sparkle, and where the fuck did she get off acting like she cared. I mean, was it because my friends were there? Was it a joke?

“Acting like what, Jacob,” she pressed when I didn’t answer immediately.

“Like my mom,” I snapped. I hadn’t really thought about that before it came out, but it was true.

People said it all the time… ‘she looked like she’d been smacked’ or whatever, but I’d never actually seen it before until then. My mom’s entire face went white, and the little bit of a smile she’d had left on her face disappeared completely in the span of a second. Her eyes widened and she physically recoiled away from me.

She stared at me for long moments that stretched on and on until I felt like my ribcage was shrinking around my lungs and I couldn’t get any air.

She looked over my shoulder at my friends for just a second before taking a breath and facing me.

“I’m uhm…” she said, and her voice was weak, shaky. “I’ve gotta get home,” she said, stepping back. She looked at me. “I’ll see you at home.”

I scoffed, shaking my head as I watched her walk away. Again.

“Whatever,” I said, taking a breath and turning around to face my friends. “Fuck it, right?” I added, trying to laugh it.

No one laughed with me.

“Jake, what—,” Chloe started, but Ryan cut her off cold.

“Chlo,” he snapped, glaring at her, shaking his head ‘no’, and for once, she listened.

Shane didn’t say anything. Just stepped closer and I leaned on him without even thinking about it.

“We could go back to the pool,” Ryan said, and it looked like he was trying to smile; trying to blow it off like I had, but it wasn’t working any better for him than it had for me.

I shook my head, closing my eyes for a second, taking a deep breath. “No,” I said, sighing. “I just…I just wanna go.”

They all stared at me, waiting for me to decide who I was going with.

I turned to Shane, inhaling deeply once more before pulling my bag higher up my shoulder. “Ready?” I asked him, and when he tried to smile, it definitely worked for him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I wasn’t going to let it get to me. The whole thing was stupid. Once I got away from the school, I had no idea what I’d been so freaked out about. It was a good thing that she’d come, right? I should have been happy, or something.

I didn’t get it. I knew that everything with my mom bothered me, but I never thought it’d end up making me cry in front of my fucking friends. In front of Shane.

He didn’t say a word about it, though. We walked to his car, and he made sure to turn the music up in the car without me having to ask him, and I let myself smile. Because I wasn’t going to let it get to me. I kept telling myself that as we drove, and by the time we pulled into his driveway, I was sure I could deal. I was fine.

We sat in his living room, relaying the events of the meet to his mom, and I was surprised to find she knew a lot about it. She asked questions, and she got excited at all the right parts in the story, and she bitched about the Rosner kid that took first in Shane’s event. She smiled, and ruffled Shane’s hair and he didn’t even look embarrassed by it. And it was real.

We stayed for awhile longer, listening to Scottie bitch about some girl that took his violin solo, before Shane finally took me up to his room.

I was kind of dreading it. I always wanted to be around Shane. So much so that I had to remind myself on a daily basis to make time for other things, but I hated having to talk about my bullshit. It sucked enough having to deal with it; I didn’t want to talk about it too.

But the second we were in his room, Shane locked the door. I sat on his bed while he shuffled around his room, finding his remote and turning on his stereo, and I smiled when he finally sat down next to me.

“Are you…” he paused, frowning. “I don’t know,” he went on. “Are you good?”

I laughed. “Pretty sure I am,” I said, smirking and Shane nudged me with his shoulder.

“Fuck you, Jake Taylor,” He said, tone more than a little fond. He frowned again before continuing. “Earlier, that was…intense.”

I knew he was going to bring it up. I didn’t know what it was with him and Chloe. I didn’t get why they felt the need to fucking talk everything to death, and I usually dealt with it from Shane, because the alternative was leaving, and I wanted to do that even less. But not this time.

I would have thought having him bring it up would get me down, force me back to standing there outside the locker room staring at my mom but it didn’t. I wasn’t even thinking about it. I wasn’t letting it get to me.

I reached out, sliding my hand up his shoulder and behind his neck to pull him in, because this was what I’d had in mind when I told him I would go back to his house at the cemetery. I wanted that light feeling back, like everything was going to be fine and it didn’t matter how my mom looked at me because this was good. This was awesome.

Shane fell back easily when I pushed him back against his bed. He grinned up at me and he didn’t fight me. Didn’t try and get me to continue talking.

I leaned down to kiss him again, sighing at the feel of his lips against mine. I used to keep track of how many times I’d kissed him. I could remember the first, and the second, and the third and so on, but I’d long since stopped being able to count.

It should have been old by now. It should have been only slightly better than kissing Tracy had been, but it wasn’t. I slid my tongue over the sharp ridges of his teeth, my eyes flutter shut at the way his lips felt against my tongue, cool, wet and smooth. Shane groaned, reaching up to grip my hip and pull me closer.

It should have been weird. His mom—his whole family—was downstairs, and everything with my mom was definitely still fresh, but I was resolutely not thinking about it. And there’s this…moment. Every time I was with Shane like this there was this moment where I stopped being able to think about anything else. When everything else just left my mind and I was left with his fingertips against the back of my neck. The feel of his belt buckle cutting into my stomach. His tongue tracing patterns over my jaw, wet heat trailing all the way back to my ear, and then lower to my neck, and lower still. I shivered when he hit my collar, gripping him tighter, trying my damnedest to get him closer when it wasn’t possible.

I slid my hand down his chest, over his stomach. I worked my fingers under the hem of his t-shirt, pushing it up over his chest, and left him to get rid of it while I leaned down to kiss. To taste.

“Jake,” he hissed, hand shooting out to grab my shoulder when I let my tongue slid over his nipple. I’d touched him before, more than once, more than twice. I was even comfortable with it now, but it had never been like this.

His fingernails bit into my skin, and even that was good. He pulled away from me to get rid of his shirt, but he pulled me back before I even had time to think about it. I slid my arms around him, pulling and he came easily, rolled on top of me. I gripped his hips, groaning into his mouth. I let my hand wander, moving down to grip his ass, and bit into his lip when he thrust down against me.

We’d done more than this, but I had never been like this with him before. I’d never really just wanted and...went for it. But it was hard to be self-conscious with Shane writhing on top of me, whimpering softly into my mouth.

He pulled away from me again, but I wanted nothing of it and I hooked my arm around his neck to bring him back.

“Wait,” he gasped, eyes clenched as I thrust up against him. “Wait.”

“Don’t stop,” I ordered…or possibly pleaded. “Please, just…” I thrust again. “Don’t stop.”

“Jake,” he groaned again, pressing his lips hard to mine before pulling my arm from around his neck and pressing it into the bed. “Wait,” he whispered, and before I could complain he was reaching for the buckle of my jeans. “Get these off,” he panted. “I want…”

He didn’t even try to finish his sentence, just set to work unbuckling my pants, and then unbuttoning them, but he left me to get them off, while he worked on his own.

Shane had sucked me off, more than once. I’d gotten up the nerve to try exactly once, but I’d never actually seen him fully naked.

And it didn’t matter how he was going to finish the sentence, I was pretty damn sure I agreed with him, regardless. I wanted whatever he was asking for, too.

I shucked off my pants, pushing myself up toward the head of the bed to wait, and when Shane moved back over me…

It was…a lot. His skin against mine, chest to chest, hip to hip. I felt his cock slide up against the crease in my thigh, and my entire body shook when he lay down fully against me.

“Christ,” I whispered, struggling to keep my eyes open to look at him.

He stared back, chewing on his lower lip, and neither of us moved.

I could feel everything. His thigh twitched, his skin sliding against mine and when I shivered, I felt it every fucking where he was touching me. He inhaled and his chest pressed just a little bit harder against mine, and I had to close my eyes. And when he moved…when he worked his knees between my thighs and thrust up against me, I almost choked on my fucking tongue.

I let my hands roam, up and down his sides, over his back, down to grasp his ass and pull him tighter against me. And Shane gasped, and moaned, and fucking whimpered. And it felt good, so good, but I was less concerned with getting off and more concerned with making him do that again. I spread my legs wider and rocked my hips with him, and he gasped leaning down to bite my shoulder, hard enough to hurt and I didn’t fucking care.

He shifted, his dick sliding right up next to mine and I cried out, over the music.

“Shh,” Shane said, roughly, leaning down to kiss my lips as best as he could with a mouth that just wouldn’t close. “Shh.”

And I tried. I buried my face deep in his shoulder as I felt the tension coil tighter and tighter in my stomach. I wrapped my legs over his, pulling him closer still with my heels and it wasn’t enough. I was close. So fucking close. He had his arms around my shoulders, holding me close, pressing my face into his shoulder while he bit mine. Tongued at my neck.

“Shane,” I said, and it was almost a warning.

“It’s okay,” he whispered, and groaned as I pulled up hard against him.

My back bowed off the bed, my legs tightened around his, my eyes clenched shut. And even after—after I came wetly between our bodies, and Shane let out a keening whine and followed shortly after—I still didn’t let go.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Weekends at my house were hard to deal with. My dad seemed to think that the best way to deal with everything was to spend as much time with me as he could. He worked a lot so it was hard for him most days, but he’d taken to spending the weekends at home. With me. I never left the house when my dad was around. He’d never actually told me that I couldn’t, I’d just never had the balls to ask.

But I really couldn’t stand it. My mom had backed off even further after the swim meet, and Dad…he was just always there. Always lecturing, or telling long stories about shit that I didn’t really care to know about, or taking me out to the batting cages as if I even liked baseball.

I needed a break. I’d been home all weekend and I needed to get out. So, when the phone rang I sent up a prayer of thanks to whoever was listening and bounded toward the kitchen to grab the phone.

“Put it down, Jake,” My dad said as I reached for the ringing phone.

The caller id that flashed across the television said that it was Ryan, which would have been weird before when he used to just come over, and knew my home number, but like his own, never actually used it.

“It’s Ryan, Dad,” I pointed out unnecessarily, just in case he hadn’t seen. It really never occurred to me that he might try and keep me from talking to Ryan, and I knew he recognized the number. Half the time, calling Ryan was the only way to reach me. My parents made it a point to remember.

“I know who it is, Jacob, I said put it down,” he repeated, sternly.

I grit my teeth. My dad hadn’t exactly shunned me the way my mother had, but being around him wasn’t exactly a picnic either. And he made it a point to be around. Often. I was trying really hard to remember that I was grateful.

“I’m supposed to meet him and Chloe for homework,” I pointed out. It wasn’t strictly true, but whatever, I’d been doing homework with Chloe and Ryan every Sunday since I was eleven. There was no way he wouldn’t believe me.

“I’m sure you can manage on your own,” my dad said, and pointedly turned up the volume on the television. End of conversation.

I clenched my jaw to keep from saying anything. I’d been doing that a lot and it was getting harder and harder to keep myself in check.

I turned to my mom, who was sitting at her sewing machine pretending she actually knew what she was doing. It was mostly habit that had me turning to her. I knew she wasn’t going to back me up, not now, but she always had before and I still wasn’t quite used to her treating me like a nonperson. I kept expecting her to jump in whenever my dad started acting like an ass. My mom had always been good cop before. She’d always been the reason why being grounded two weeks was more like two days.

But not anymore.

I rolled my eyes, falling back into the cushions of the couch with a huff. “Hey, you know what would be fun?” I said to no one in particular. “Bars. Nice metal bars over the windows and doors. Then, this could be like a prison for real. Awesome, right?” Which, okay, maybe wasn’t fair considering I could leave anytime I wanted as long as my dad wasn’t there, but still, I needed to get out of the house.

“Watch your tone,” my dad said flatly, before tensing up. “Go, go, get it there,” he called to the football players on the television and seriously? Fuck. My. Life.

“I thought I wasn’t grounded,” I said, raising my voice over the volume of the TV.

“Who said you were grounded?” My dad replied, voice gruff. “We have plans.”

And okay, but what the hell did that have to do with me answering the phone? I honestly didn’t know who was worse, my mom or my dad.

“What are we doing?” I asked, toning down the anger, because as annoying as it was to have to spend full days with my dad while he tried to figure out how to…deal with me or whatever, I was still grateful that he was there. That he was trying to be there for me. “What plans?”

My dad snorted, raising his drink to his lips. “We’re watching the game,” he said, simply. “Oh, come on,” he shouted.

I stared at him. I couldn’t stand watching sports. I preferred playing to watching. I couldn’t sit still long enough to watch, couldn’t get into a game that I wasn’t a part of and my dad knew that. Who the fuck was he kidding?

“I don’t want to watch the game,” I informed him, trying my best to keep calm. If I was grounded, fine. But he couldn’t just keep me away from my friends. I could almost understand him wanting to keep me away from Shane but it really was Ryan calling, and he knew it.

“Then go to your room,” my dad said. I hadn’t been sent to my room since elementary.

“Are you serious?” I almost snapped, but I pulled it back last second. Just barely.

“You’re not leaving, Jake,” my dad said, and maybe I could have been okay with that. I could have thrown a quiet fit alone in my room and gotten over it, but he laughed.

He fucking laughed like it was funny, and my mom actually looked up to smile at him and I swear to god, right then? I hated them both.

And I said it. Muttered it under my breath, softly in comparison to the television, but I was positive they heard it.

“I fucking hate you,” I said, getting up and walking, not running, to the stairs. “And I fucking hate being here.”

It was dramatic and maybe a little petty but I didn’t care. I put up with it every day. My mother made me feel like shit, every goddamn day, and I let her, smiled while she did it because at least she hadn’t thrown me out or sent me away or…fuck, I don’t know. And my dad made it a point to ‘spend time’ with me, like it was some great privilege, but he never even fucking smiled and no, I didn’t mean it. I didn’t hate them, and I regretted saying it the second I got to my room, but fuck if I didn’t mean it when I said I hated being there.

It was dark before my dad came up to my room, and I stilled myself for whatever lecture he was going to give me, prepared myself to sit through it and not say a word.

He opened my door without knocking and stood there in the doorway, staring at me for awhile before he sighed, crossing his arms over his chest.

He looked…sad, but I didn’t care. I turned away from him. I wasn’t sorry. And I wasn’t going to feel sorry for him.

He stayed in my doorway just staring for long minutes, and sat down when we were closing in on an hour, but I wasn’t going to cave. If he was waiting for an apology, he’d be waiting all night.

“Do you remember when you fell out of the tree in the back yard?” he asked after what felt like forever, just led with that like it was actually relevant at all. And yeah, I remembered. I was only six, but I gashed my leg open on a branch, and…there was a lot of blood. I was never going to forget all that blood.

I didn’t respond though. I was willing to listen to whatever he had to say, but I was not talking.

“You’re mom spent hours cleaning you up, and when she poured the alcohol on your leg, you screamed and kicked, and you told us you hated us then too.”

Yeah, what the fuck ever. I was six, and it wasn’t the same thing.

“We were trying to help,” my dad went on, and I whipped around to look at him, because, really? Was he actually serious with this shit?

“We were trying to fix it,” he added, and I opened my mouth to snap at him. I didn’t know how either of them could possibly think they were helping, with Mom ignoring me and Dad treating me like an ill-behaved dog, watching my every move whenever he was around and pretty much slapping me on the nose every chance he got, without ever actually calling it punishment.

I wanted to yell that I didn’t need fixing or, I just needed them to chill, but I stopped before the words ever came close to leaving my mouth.

It really wasn’t that long ago that I’d wanted to fix it. I hadn’t wanted to look at me, either. I’d been the one trying my damnedest to train myself…straight.

And I just…couldn’t yell at him for it. I couldn’t say anything. I sat there, struck dumb until my dad finally sighed and stood up.

“We’ll talk in the morning, Jake,” he said, shaking his head as he stepped backward, out into the hallway. “Just…think about it, alright. We’re trying.”

I wanted to scream. What a fucking joke. It would have been funny except for the part where it totally wasn’t. I wanted to bitch and I couldn’t. I wanted to be angry and…well, I was, but I couldn’t be as angry.

I didn’t want to understand. I didn’t want it to be…okay, somehow, the way they were treating me.

I needed to get out, and I honestly didn’t care if they grounded me until I was old enough to walk out the door and live on my own. I got up, walked to my window and climbed out without even bothering to lock my bedroom door behind me, and ran over to Ryan’s house.

Ryan took one look at me when I crawled into his window and didn’t say a word. I paced, and I laughed to keep myself from crying and it was all so fucking stupid. Such a fucking joke.

I kicked Ryan’s junk around on his floor and he let me. My eyes watered and he pretended to be doing his homework, and honestly? Caydence was cool. Chloe was family, and Shane was…Shane. But Ryan was my best friend. And there wasn’t really any other place I could handle being.

“Can I stay?” I asked suddenly after a solid hour of pacing, and basically having a mental breakdown in his room. “I mean…is that cool? You’ve got the futon, so…”

It shouldn’t have been a big deal. Ryan still spent the night at my house, so my staying shouldn’t have been a big deal, but…I just wasn’t sure. I was confused, and pissed, or…sad, or…fuck, I don’t know. I just didn’t know.

“Yeah, bro,” Ryan said, easily. “You can stay.”

He didn’t ask. He got my bed ready, and lent me some shorts to sleep in, before we settled in to play Mario kart for long hours. Until my brain was so numb, I could think again. Until I was too exhausted to stay seated upright.

We climbed into bed, and Ryan turned off the lights and he didn’t ask.

I wasn’t sure if there was any question he could ask that I would actually have the answer to. Even ‘what happened?’ seemed like a complicated question.

But apparently, what happened wasn’t important. Not to Ryan.

We laid in silence, neither of us really sleeping for long moments before Ryan spoke.

“You think it’s ever gonna get better?” he asked, his voice barely there. Barely a whisper.

It was maybe the best question he could have asked. I didn’t know the answer, I couldn’t have. But…I got better, right? Kind of. I’d wanted to fix it, and I’d gotten the fuck over and they were…trying, and I didn’t even know, but…

“I think,” I said, pressing my face deep into my pillow and inhaling deeply. “I think…maybe. Eventually.”

END