In Due Time - 17. Chapter 17

Shane didn’t come out with us for ice cream. After I found out about Colin, I thought he might have been lying when he said he couldn’t come over because he had to baby sit his sisters just so he could avoid Colin, but he was telling the truth. It kind of sucked because I really wanted to talk to him. About Colin, and why he hadn’t fucking told me. And maybe…I don’t know, I just wanted to talk to him, period.

Ry was there though, and Chloe. She was being…clingy, but it was cool. It wasn’t as if I had to worry about her crushing on me. I was almost positive she was still hung up on Ryan and she just…never would. I kind of liked having her close. It’d been a really long day, with everything that had happened with Ry’s dad and just being at the cemetery in general. Not to mention the almost fight at Shane’s or the dinner from hell and Colin’s little surprise afterward. I didn’t really feel like entertaining Lindsey after all of that, and it was nice being able to just lean on Chloe, and relax.

“You’re touching me,” I pointed out, because, yeah it was nice but I was not about to admit it. “I think you should stop.”

“Shut up and deal with it,” Chloe muttered, hooking her arm through mine and leaning her head on my shoulder. And I let out a grunt, but I didn’t argue. I didn’t really want to and I figured I wouldn’t lose any of my man points if I didn’t tell her more than once.

Both of us were riding in the backseat to make room for Lindsey up front. I decided Ryan was right, and I didn’t like any of his girlfriends, mostly because of this whole backseat thing. It made me nauseous.

“Y’all are cute,” Lindsey said, turning around to face us. “Ryan never said you two were dating?”

Lindsey was a giggler. And she giggled while she said that.

“They’re not,” Ryan said, looking at us through the rearview mirror, frowning slightly. “What’s up with you guys?”

Chloe didn’t answer, and I didn’t really have a response seeing as how Chloe was the one…cuddling, not me, so I just shrugged and made one up.

“Body heat, Ry,” I said. “It’s kind of cold.”

Chloe snorted, and shook her head. I was pretty sure she was rolling her eyes too, but I couldn’t see her face with her head lying on my shoulder.

Ry kept frowning, and muttered something like, “It’s fucking seventy degrees outside,” but he turned on the heat anyway. Which, actually kind of sucked and I wished I hadn’t said anything because I was already a little too warm. If it got too much hotter in the car, I’d need Chloe to move away, but she didn’t seem too bothered by the heat. She just sighed, and shook her head again.

“So,” Lindsey said when the car fell silent. She’d been doing that since we picked her up—talking whenever conversation tapered off. It meant the car was never completely quiet. So…maybe I didn’t have to hate her completely for banishing me to the backseat.

“So what?” Ry replied, but Lindsey shook her head, and turned in her seat to face Chlo and me.

“I wasn’t talking to you,” she said, and smiled at me.

A noncommittal “Hmm?” was all I had for her. I was really not in the social mood.

“You’re the best friend,” she said like she was telling me something I didn’t know. “Got any embarrassing stories?”

I’m sure if it was any other day, I’d have laughed at that. Ryan’s girls were always asking, but I’d learned my lesson after Ryan’s third breakup. Girls are vindictive things and they always have no problems using the stories after they’ve been dumped. I usually thought it was funny when they asked for the stories, though. It was like they were doing homework. Getting the dirt just in case, or whatever. Like, they’d heard about Ryan and they wanted to be prepared to give as good as they got.

It wasn’t funny right then, though. I’d been in a good mood before we picked her up. I wasn’t necessarily in a bad mood now that she was with us, but the day I’d had was definitely catching up to me. I kind of just wanted to find a soft place and pass the fuck out, and if I couldn’t do that…I just didn’t want to be around new people. Chlo and Ry were familiar and I didn’t have to be clever or even all that cool around them, because they’d seen me at my worst. With Lindsey, I felt like I either had to entertain her…or, I don’t know, intimidate her, and I was too exhausted to do either. I just wanted to sit in the backseat with Chloe and…chill.

Lindsey wasn’t having it, though.

“Was he a bed wetter? A thumb sucker? Does he listen to emo music to nurture his secret pain? Any embarrassing stories where he loses his pants? Start with the last one, if you’ve got it. I have a very vivid imagination.”

And wow, that’s what they mean when they say it’s the nice, quiet ones you’ve got to look out for. Lindsey was supposed to be a bookworm. A geek. She wasn’t supposed to be the kind of girl to ask me to tell her stories wherein my best friend gets naked.

Not that I had any of those. I mean…aside from the one where Shane took Ry’s pants.

“Nope,” I told Lindsey, with a shrug. “No pantsing stories and he doesn’t have any secret pain. Or, any secrets at all. Or whatever.”

“Shut up,” Ry said, with a mock growl. “I’m a man of mystery. I totally brood all the time. I have tons of secret pain.”

Lindsey laughed. And guess what? Lindsey laughs like a fucking dolphin. Some girls have that thing where they snort, in a kind of endearing, cute way, but Lindsey goes all Flipper.

It’s totally not endearing. It’s all inhuman, high-pitched clicks and squeaks and it went on forever.

I’m ashamed of the way it calmed me, and I laughed along with her. Or, you know, at her. Whatever. Details.

“How long have you guys been friends?” she asked when she sobered.

I shrugged. “Forever,” I said, because, I didn’t actually know how many years and months or whatever. I’d have to count, and I didn’t really see the point. ‘Forever’ pretty much summed it up. Ryan had been my friend since I knew what ‘friends’ were.

“That’s so cool,” Lindsey replied. “My family moves a lot. Besides my parents and brothers, I haven’t known anyone for longer than a year. It must be nice.”

“I guess,” I replied, shrugging again, but my short answers were doing nothing to put Lindsey off.

“What about Chloe?” Lindsey asked before looking down a little, to meet Chlo’s eyes. “How long have you known these two?”

“Forever,” Chloe repeated my answer. “Since they were young enough to bathe together.”

Lindsey giggled. I elbowed Chloe.

“She’s lying,” I said, and looked up at Lindsey. “Ry and I never bathed together when we were kids.”

“But you do now?” Lindsey shot back, with a grin. “I changed my mind. I want that story.

She was quick. And I was pretty sure I’d like her if she ever caught me at a time where I wouldn’t much rather give her some of my mother’s sleeping pills to knock her out so she’d stop trying to talk to me.

“Chlorine,” I said simply, glancing at Ryan to make sure he was okay with the topic. I couldn’t really tell. He’d laughed at Lindsey’s comment but mostly he was just watching the road.

“Okay,” Lindsey said slowly and she’d lost her grin. “Am I supposed to know what that means? Is it a codeword?”

She was starting to look a little put out, and I kind of felt bad. Most of the other girls Ry brought around kind of ignored Chlo and me unless they were glaring at us, and Lindsey was actually making an effort.

I did my best to smile at her. “The Chlorine in the school pool is kind of harsh,” I explained. “We all shower afterward most of the time.”

“Oh that’s right!” Lindsey said, a little too excited, but I was pretty sure it was just because I was finally talking. “I forgot he was on the swim team. You are too?”

I nodded, but I was saved having to continue talking to her, when I felt the car stop and looked up to find that we were at the mall, parked near the entrance at the food court.

“We’re here,” Ry announced unnecessarily, considering we could all see that. He turned to look pointedly at me. “So, stop flirting with my girl.”

I rolled my eyes, and Lindsey giggled, slapping his arm playfully. “Hush,” she said and she fucking winked at me as she unbuckled her seatbelt. I knew she was probably doing it to be cute or sweet or whatever, but still… I was glad when Chloe got out of the car and immediately made her way around the car to link her arm through mine again. Lindsey was giving me this look like she was seconds from latching onto me herself for more questions.

Ry shot me a glare, and I rolled my eyes again. Because seriously? I wasn’t flirting with his girl. I never did, and I knew he was kidding anyway. I grinned and waited for him to laugh.

He didn’t.

“Let’s do this thing,” he said, throwing an arm over Lindsey shoulders and pulling her in.

Lindsey smiled and put her arm around his waist, tucking her head in toward his chest for a minute, before looking back up as the two of them turned to start walking toward the mall entrance.

Chloe tensed, and when I moved to follow Ryan and Lindsey, she held me back.

“What’s with you?” I asked frowning as I looked down at her.

She shrugged. “Nothing,” she said, lowering her voice. “I just…” she bit her lip, brushing her bangs out of her eyes and off to the side where they were longest.

“You just what?” I pressed, pulling her to walk, and she came this time, but she wasn’t making an effort to catch up to Ryan and Lindsey.

“I just thought she’d be different,” Chloe said with a sigh. “She’s pretty, right?”

I didn’t respond at first. Chloe wasn’t usually bothered by stuff like this. It’d always confused me, because I knew how she felt about Ry. I hadn’t been talking to her as much lately as I usually did, but I knew that hadn’t changed. It was just weird that she picked Lindsey to get all awkward around.

So, I shrugged and nudged her lightly with my shoulder. Not enough to push her away, I kind of just wanted her to stop slouching all depressed-like.

“They’re all pretty,” I said.

“Yeah,” Chloe agreed. “But she’s also cool. And smart. And blonde.”

I snorted. “So?”

“So, I’m already seeing three kids with college funds and a fucking dog named Cookie,” she said bitterly, and I stopped to look at her.

“Are you okay?” I asked hesitantly, because the rules with Chloe were different from the rules with Ry and it was okay to ask that question. I think I was even supposed to. “Do you want to go home?”

Chloe shook her head. “I’m fine,” she said and took a breath. “I just wasn’t expecting her. I mean, I know Ry and me won’t ever…you know. This just sucks.”

I nodded, but I wasn’t sure I really understood. I thought about Shane…and some other guy…well that sucked, but I was actually with Shane. And then I thought about how I would have felt if Shane had decided to, I don’t know, find someone else back before I got my shit together.

“Oh,” I said out loud. It was mostly an accident, but I really didn’t like that last thought. I glanced down at Chloe and shot her a sympathetic grin. Chloe didn’t grin back.

“I hate her,” I informed her. “Lindsey, I mean.”

Chloe laughed. “Liar.”

“I do,” I insisted. “She won’t stop talking to me. And she put me in the backseat. And she’s not that hot.”

Chloe rolled her eyes, but she pulled herself tighter against my arm in a weird sort of non-hug. “Thanks, Jacob. You’re kind of awesome.” She pulled my arm as she picked up her pace. “Come on,” she said nodding toward the entrance where Ry and Lindsey were waiting for us—Lindsey smiling, Ry looking annoyed.

“Ice cream’s waiting,” Ry said, impatiently as we approached. “What the fuck is up with you guys?”

“Jake has secret pain too,” Chloe said with a grin, and I snorted, but I didn’t say anything. She sounded better, at least, and it wasn’t like I could say what we were really talking about.

“Yeah, I bet,” Ryan said as we walked inside. I frowned at him, but before I had a chance to reply, Chloe ripped away from my side.

Or rather, she was ripped away. By Lindsey.

“What are you doing?” Chloe asked alarmed as she pulled away, but Lindsey had a good grip.

“Ladies room,” Lindsey replied, smiling brightly. “Come with?”

“What for?” Chloe asked, and even I knew girls usually went together. Chloe had been hanging out with just Ry and me for way too long.

“No reason,” Lindsey replied with a grin and a wink…at me.

Chloe gave me a little helpless look as Lindsey dragged her off. I shrugged with one shoulder tilting my head a little like ‘what do you want me to do’.

Chloe glared and shook her head and I was pretty sure that meant something along the lines of ‘I take it back, you’re not awesome, you’re useless’ but I really couldn’t think of anything to do, especially not with Ryan grabbing my arm and pulling me off to the ice cream place.

The mall was crowded with people. It always was, even during the week. It was the only mall in town, and we passed a lot of people we knew. They waved from their tables in the middle of the food court, or called out to us from the long lines of fast food restaurants but Ry ignored every last one of them.

“What was that about?” he asked, frowning.

“I don’t know,” I replied, pulling my arm out of his hand. “She just keeps winking. I don’t think it means anything though, bro. She’s a girl.”

“I meant Chloe,” he said without pause. “Is she okay? What’s going on? Is it her mom?”

I raised an eyebrow. “No,” I said. “She wouldn’t be here if it was.”

Ryan nodded, and fell into a thoughtful silence as we walked, but we weren’t even halfway there when he turned back to look at me.

“How do you know something about Chlo that I don’t. I’m the one that’s been around the most lately. You’ve been off with the douche bag. Because you’re gay…right?”

I laughed. It was getting easier and easier to hear that word, but it still kind of gave me pause, especially in public. But…I couldn’t really get that upset about it when it actually sounded like Ry wasn’t sure. Like he was seriously asking me.

“Yeah,” I responded, chuckling. “Where the hell have you been these past few weeks? We had that fight? You lost a match? Ringing any bells? Horns?”

“Fuck off,” Ry muttered, looking a little ashamed. “You could just tell me what’s going on.”

“Nothing,” I said, and I must have a million fucking tells because Ryan glared at me.

“You could have tried to make that convincing,” he said. “Asshole.”

I sighed. “My nuts are on the line, dude. I swore.”

“I’m your friend too.”

“I know,” I replied and then shrugged. “She’ll probably tell you eventually.”

“Or you could tell me now,” he returned, but I was saved having to reply to that when the cashier asked what we wanted. “Is it Lindsey? Chloe doesn’t like her?”

I ordered a float. Ryan ordered two sundaes and a twist cone, muttering the whole time about how people that kept secrets didn’t deserve fudge, but I was trying to ignore him.

Chloe and Lindsey had already finished with the restroom and were making their way toward us when Ryan and I finally found a table that wasn’t cluttered with trash or near a screaming two year old.

“Here,” Ry said sliding Chloe’s sundae across the table. It almost fell off.

“Jesus, Ry,” Chloe said as she shook whipped cream off her hand before wiping it with a napkin. “What’s your issue?”

“Nothing,” Ry said, stealing my answer and shooting me a glare while he did it. He handed Lindsey her cone. “Chocolate and vanilla, right?”

“Yeah,” she said, smiling at him. “Thank you.”

“Yeah,” Chloe said, pulling out a wad of cash. She refused to carry a wallet, or anything even remotely resembling a purse. She handed Ry a five.

Ry tossed it back at her. He was pissed, but apparently not pissed enough to take her cash.

“Keep it,” he said. “It’s just ice cream.”

“Aw, that’s sweet of you,” Lindsey said, smiling at Ry before raising an eyebrow at me. And really? Wasn’t she supposed to be trying to win me over or something? Whatever.

“I’m never sweet,” Ryan replied. “That’s the ice cream.”

Lindsey laughed. I cringed. Flipper. She was totally Flipper the fucking dolphin.

Lindsey and Ry talked while they ate, about school, and music and whatever else they thought of, laughing the whole time but Chloe and I just…ate. I still didn’t feel like talking and Chloe was back to leaning on me, but Ryan didn’t say anything about it this time. He just kept glaring at me, obviously still pissed that I knew something he didn’t.

I didn’t really blame him. Whenever one of us usually had a ‘secret’ or whatever, it was the three of us keeping it from everyone else. It kind of sucked leaving Ry out, but…whatever. He’d get over it. It wasn’t worth losing my nuts over, and no, I didn’t really believe Chloe would hurt me but that’s kind of why I wasn’t saying. I didn’t really want to hurt her either.

Never. Saying. That. Out loud.

Chloe finished first…or ‘finished’ was definitely giving her too much credit. She ate the fudge and kind of pushed her ice cream around in her cup until it melted.

“I’ll be back,” she said, interrupting Lindsey in the middle of doing something slightly interesting and definitely a little weird with her tongue ring and her ice cream cone.

Chloe looked down at me expectantly, but I wasn’t sure what it was that she expected me to do. I waited for her to say something and she kind of nodded her head toward the trash, and yeah, I knew it was there, but I didn’t really get what she was trying to say.

“What’s up?” I asked and Chloe rolled her eyes, smiling a little. She didn’t get a chance to respond further, though.

“She’s trying to say she needs a chaperone,” Ry put in, glaring at both of us. “Apparently, she’s too fucking fragile to make it to the trash and back on her own. Right, Chlo?”

“Ry…” I said, because Ry, Chloe, and I were always kind of making comments like that but we were usually joking. Ry was being…rude.

Chloe’s face kind of fell and she stared at Ryan—without even glaring—for a few seconds before she shook her head and turned to leave.

I sighed, standing up to follow her, but I paused, turning to glance at Ryan, who was still trying to burn a fucking hole through Chloe’s back with his glare.

“You know,” I said, mostly to get his attention. “You’re an asshole. Even you are going to think so if she ever tells you.”

“Is something wrong with her?” he asked, his gaze snapping to me.

I shook my head. “No.”

“Then what the fuck is going on? She’s acting weird and she’s all fucking cuddled up with you like you guys are…”

“She’s my friend,” I cut him off with a weary sigh, and he glared.

“You guys don’t cuddle,” he said, and I had to give him that. We didn’t. And it was weird.

I shrugged. “Sometimes, she’s a girl.”

Or, you know, all the time, but I think Ry got what I was saying.

He sighed. “Yeah.”

“So, I’m gonna, you know, go get her,” I said, but Ry shook his head and stood up.

“I got it,” he said, and he took my empty cup. “Girls like apologies.”

I nodded knowledgably. “And sometimes, Chloe’s a girl.”

Ry finally grinned and rolled his eyes. “Shut up, asswipe. I’ll be back.” He turned to Lindsey and she offered him a bemused smile and a nod. She grabbed the hem of his shirt, and tugged, leaning in to kiss his cheek. It was something that Shane did with me all the time and I kind of frowned seeing her do it. It seemed out of place out in the middle of the food court where everyone could see. Shane never would have done it in public, but…

It was okay for them. I looked around and no one even fucking flinched. It shouldn’t have really bothered me, because I was pretty sure I didn’t want to do anything like that in public but…I don’t know. It just kind of sucked to know that most of the people that were smiling at Ry and Lindsey like they were just so fucking cute would definitely have had a problem with it. Whatever. I was just really tired.

Ry smiled at her and pulled away but she grabbed his arm and pulled him in for another kiss. The kind of kiss that I just wasn’t going to watch. Because…weird.

And Ry let her. Right in front of me, even though we both knew it was like, my duty to give him hell for it.

I guessed I could see Chloe’s point. Lindsey wasn’t just different from the other girls we met. Ry was different with her.

“What was that all about?” Lindsey asked me once Ryan left. She seemed genuinely curious and not at all upset that Ry was running off to make Chloe feel better, which, seemed like something a girl would do. Most girls that liked Ryan kind of hated Chloe on sight.

I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do,” she replied, but she smiled. “I’m smart, remember?”

I flinched a little. I expected her to know that I was lying. I just also expected her to be able to take a hint and let it go.

“Sorry,” I said trying to smile back. “It’s just…”

“I get it,” she replied. “But…is she okay? She’s not sick or anything, right? This isn’t going to turn into a deleted scene from ‘A Walk to Remember’ or anything like that right?”

“No,” I said, frowning, because I had no idea what she was talking about. But Chloe wasn’t sick. That I could answer. “She’s fine.”

She nodded, taking a bite of her cone. “That’s good,” she said, totally talking with her mouth full. I decided I’d definitely like her—odd laugh aside—any other day. I wouldn’t mind hanging out with her at least.

“So,” Lindsey went on when she swallowed. “You guys, like, take care of her?”

I snorted, because it sounded lame and Chloe would probably throw a fit if she heard it, but I nodded at the same time. Mostly because it seemed like what Lindsey was waiting to hear.

“I guess,” I said, and Lindsey smiled again, big and bright. And maybe I could see why Ryan wanted to date her before they’d ever even spoken, even if she was the type of girl that hung out in libraries.

“You’re not good with girls, are you?” she said leaning an elbow on the table, resting her chin in her hand as if settling in to talk. And I laughed, because something about that seemed funny.

“I’m just tired,” I insisted, and it was true. I wasn’t having some kind of shy boy episode. I was just…too tired to deal with her, but I was pretty sure it was only polite to leave that last part off.

“Well what are you doing tomorrow?” she asked, and I immediately hated the question. It sounded like the beginning of an invite and I definitely did not have the social skills to turn her down without coming off like an ass.

“Uhm…” I responded. “Actually…”

“He’s got a hot date,” said Chloe, sliding back into her chair next to me, leaning in once more. Ry was still frowning when he sat down opposite her, but he wasn’t frowning at us anymore, so I didn’t let it get to me.

I knew what it meant, though. Chloe hadn’t given herself up.

…Or whatever.

At least he wasn’t mad anymore, and Chloe’s interruption meant I didn’t have to agree to hanging out with a girlfriend that probably wouldn’t even be Ry’s girlfriend much longer. Which was good.

One day, I’m going to write poetry about Chloe Mason and the way she constantly saves my ass. Or, you know, I’ll think seriously about it. Like, maybe a Haiku.

Or, we can just forget I ever considered that and never tell anyone. Ever.

We waited for Lindsey and Ryan to finish eating, but we still didn’t leave afterward. Lindsey wanted to go browsing.

Browsing is just another word for shopping. It’s just…more aimless.

I changed my mind about not thinking Lindsey was so bad when she said that. I decided I hated my friends when they agreed too. Ryan, at least, didn’t look to happy about it, but I couldn’t tell if it was because he was still pissed that Chloe had told me something she hadn’t told him or because of the ‘browsing’ we were actually going to spend time I could be sleeping doing, so I didn’t give him much credit for it.

It went by quickly enough, though. I discovered that Lindsey didn’t really care if I listened when she spoke, and she didn’t get pissed if I just nodded along without paying attention as long as I smiled back at her when she smiled at me. And Chloe hadn’t given up on her decision to attach herself to my arm for the night, and she was okay with me leaning on her when Lindsey took a full ten fucking minutes to decide between two shirts that were both plain white and exactly the same as far as I could tell.

We piled back into Ry’s car after browsing right up until the mall was closing. I was glad when we dropped Lindsey off first. She was definitely on my shit list.

Ryan actually walked her to the door. And, I definitely wasn’t the only one that noticed he took forever to get back, but I was pretty sure I was the only one that didn’t care. I almost didn’t want to leave Chloe in the backseat alone, but…the way she was clinging to me had already freaked Ryan out enough, and I decided Chloe would rather be alone than have me vomit on her, so I moved to the front.

When we pulled up in front of Chloe’s house, she was out of the car before we even really stopped, and was halfway up the path to her door when she remembered to actually wave bye and let us know she’d catch us tomorrow.

I moved to get out too, because there wasn’t really a point in Ryan driving across the street to drop me off, but he grabbed me before I even fully unbuckled my seatbelt.

“So,” he said. “Chloe likes me?”

It didn’t really sound like a question and apparently I’d completely misunderstood the way he’d been frowning all fucking night.

“She told you?” I asked, gaping at him.

Ry shook his head, sighing. “Nah,” he replied. “I was guessing. You just did, though.”

He had the nerve to smirk at that.

“Fuck, Ry,” I said, staring up at Chloe’s house, because irrational or not, I half expected her to come stomping back out to kick my ass. Or, you know, my nuts.

“Relax,” Ry said, and the frown was back. “I’m not going to tell her you told me.”

I didn’t relax. Like that really mattered. Girls knew things. Especially Chloe.

“What are you going to tell her?”

Ryan just shrugged and sighed leaning his head back against the seat. “Nothing. I’m not going to tell her I know.”

And maybe it was because I’d tried that and failed so many times, but that plan had disaster written all over.

“Ry…why not?” I asked. It might be awkward, but it would pass. His plan felt like…dragging it out.

“There’s no way I’ll get through that conversation without fucking everything up,” he said all doom and gloom.

“You like her,” I said, eyes widening. I wasn’t sure, but I knew Ry wouldn’t lie about it if confronted. He had never really said one way or the other, just that he couldn’t date her and I wondered if the reason for that was really the same as mine, like I thought. Chloe was just a friend for me, and I couldn’t really see her as anything else, and not just because I’m gay. I couldn’t really see Ry as anything else either, and actually, the thought was just as disturbing as the thought of dating Chloe was. Maybe more.

I glanced over at Ryan, and I tried to go there in my mind.

I cringed. Definitely more disturbing than the thought of dating Chloe.

Ryan shrugged, but he didn’t answer my question. “I told you…the girls I date don’t stick around,” he said. “And I don’t care but I care if Chloe sticks around.”

“I know but…that’s because you don’t want them to stick around.”

“No,” Ry returned. “That’s because I’m an ass. I just learned to break up with them before they get the words out. It’s easy to see it coming. Like, if a girl smacks you for looking down her big sister’s shirt…it’s probably coming.”

“Oh…you are an ass.”

Ry just nodded, staring out his window.

I rolled my eyes. “But Chloe already knows that. If you like her…”

“I never said that.”

“You never said you didn’t,” I shot back without pause, challenging.

Ry glared at me, jaw clenched. “I can’t have Chloe stop speaking to me. It sucked when you weren’t speaking to me. It’ll suck more with Chloe.” He paused, frowning, before he added, “She does my homework.”

“Stop being such a chick,” I said, grinning because it wasn’t often I got to say that to Ryan. “Chloe wouldn’t do that. She’s cool.”

Ry had his ‘if you keep talking, I’m going to find a way to run you over with my car’ look, but whatever. I was in the damn car, and for once, it was actually the safer place to be. Seeing as how it wasn’t moving.

“Jake…” Ryan said through clenched teeth. “Get out of my car and go home.”

“No,” I said, and I smirked at him. It’s so rare that I have the upper hand. I was totally basking. “If even I can tell you’re being overdramatic…”

I let it hang. Mostly because, I was totally just teasing. I’d hate it if Ry and Chloe ever stopped talking and I took a moment to appreciate how frustrated Chloe must have been when Ry and I were fighting. It wasn’t ‘no big deal’ the way I was making it out. I just wanted him to get over it and do something. If he actually liked her, it didn’t make sense not to. I wasn’t even sure how I felt about them dating…it was a weird thought, and…we’d always been friends.

But sometimes, I can, apparently, think of others before myself. Chloe would get over it if they broke up, anyway. They both would.

“I’m not being overdramatic,” Ry snapped.

“Okay,” I said, raising my hands in mock surrender. “Fine, whatever. Your choice. She’ll get over it eventually. I could introduce her to Reid. He’s kind of cu—ool. He’s kind of cool.”

Ry glared at me. And yeah, I went there. I knew it would work too, if only because I knew it’d work on me and Ry and I…weren’t that different.

“Fuck. You.” Ry said, pulling his keys out of the ignition, and unbuckling his seatbelt.

I grinned triumphantly and followed him out of the car.

“You’re not coming with me,” he said, actually sounding worried. “Go home.”

I rolled my eyes, and turned away without responding. I didn’t need him to tell me to go home. I felt like I’d just gone through an entire year in one day and I’d been awake for the whole damn thing.

I went into my house and walked up the stairs to my room without even saying hello or goodnight to my parents and I was asleep the second my head hit the pillow.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The next few days breezed by. I started riding to school with Ryan and Chloe again, the way I used to before I met Shane. I knew the five minute drive to the school wasn’t really going to do much in the way of balancing my time or whatever, but I’d decided I didn’t really need to do anything to find whatever balance I was looking for. I just needed to stop with the obsessing, and skipping out on my friends at the last minute all the time.

Whatever. It made more sense to ride to school with Chlo and Ry anyway since they were the ones I hung out with while I was at school. I continued to ride home with Shane, since after school was when I spent most of my time with him. I stopped playing at doing homework though. He always wanted to actually do it, and…it was a waste of time arguing with him about getting it done when homework definitely was not the reason I wanted him at my house. I got my homework done with Chloe, really and with Shane…I only really wanted to chill with him, so…I started just saying that.

And guess what? Saying what you mean actually works sometimes.

For the first time in—God, I didn’t even know how long, I didn’t have anything to complain about. I wasn’t even looking for something. I thought…no, I was sure that had been one of my biggest problems. I was always looking for something to be upset about, or to freak out about. Or…not really looking, but I’d been so paranoid that someone would figure me out that I analyzed every action I made as well as the actions the people around me made, and I always found something to freak out about. Even if what I was seeing…wasn’t really there.

All the misunderstandings I’d had with Shane were my fault. I knew that. I mean, no, I really hadn’t done anything wrong when I’d run away from his house, but I couldn’t blame him for thinking what he did. After the way I’d behaved with him, flipping out on him for the smallest things, what else was he supposed to think?

And with Ryan and Chloe and every fucking one around me…I must have been the biggest pain in the ass to be around.

I was just…tired of it. I was tired of fighting with everyone around me, attacking all the people I wanted to keep in my life because I was so afraid of…

Nothing. And I think that’s what had me relaxing: the fact that most of my troubles lately, could have been avoided had I not acted like such a spaz. If I could have just let things be, there wouldn’t have been near as much drama as there had been. I made the drama. I made things out to be a bigger deal than they really were. Things were so much better, once I just fucking….stopped.

Shane and I especially were …different. I couldn’t figure out when it’d started but I credited it to the way that my life had all but calmed down completely. I’d calmed down, and that made it easier to have fun. With everyone.

But mainly Shane.

He’d changed too, but I wasn’t sure what his excuse was. I wondered for a while if my weird anxiety issues were contagious, like yawns, and maybe I was the reason he’d been tense… or as tense as Shane could be.

Whatever. I didn’t really care why things were different. I liked the changes. Shane joked with me more. He’d always done that, but I had a feeling he’d held a lot back because of the way I tended to react to his ‘jokes’. They weren’t really all that bad, though, once I could laugh with him.

It was good. I really can’t express how fucking awesome it was to be able to just let go. To be able to lean in and kiss him without second-guessing myself. To be able to look at him without feeling like I was doing something wrong. Or just… sitting with him and letting myself enjoy it. All of it.

I didn’t ask him about Colin. I didn’t really see the point. It was in my nature to freak out about stuff like that. Like, I wondered why Shane hadn’t told me when he knew I hung out with the guy but…I figured I wouldn’t have wanted to talk about it either if I were him. If he and Colin were…close at all, then…that probably sucked kinda hard. And the only thing that would have come of it if he had told me would have been me throwing a well placed fit and most likely outing myself to Colin in an attempt to prevent exactly that from happening.

So, I let it go. I told Shane after awhile that I knew it was Colin, and he didn’t deny it, but that was it. Things had worked out, and I didn’t want to…dwell on it. Not when everything was so…good.

Or…most everything.

Shane still wasn’t touching me. I mean, we made out all the time, but he never really let it go too far. And yeah, I spent time obsessing about it—Rome wasn’t built in a day, all right? I kept it to myself, though, and maybe talking about it would have helped, but…uhm, no.

Baby steps, dude, baby steps. I was definitely not ready to have that conversation. Or any conversation even remotely resembling it.

Things were different, though. Good different, and even Shane noticed it.

We were hanging out in the park, just sitting in the grass. We’d been swimming in our clothes since neither of us had brought anything else, and it was warm enough to just chill in the sun until we were dry enough to get into his car.

We were near the same place I’d first met him, only this time he was wearing a shirt. Which was normal, I guessed, but I wasn’t going to complain if he…got rid of it. I wondered if there was a way to possibly discreetly suggest he do that. Get rid of it, I mean. His chest looked better, and I hadn’t seen it since our last swim practice, which yeah, was only two days ago, but it seemed longer.

“Do I have something on my chest?” Shane asked, squinting up at me in the sun.

Shane looks really good when he squints, which, should have been impossible. Nobody looked good squinting.

“Jake?” he asked when I didn’t respond.

I blinked, looking up at him. “Huh?” I said, and then shook my head. “Uhm, no…there’s nothing there. Except a shirt. Which is normal. And…there’s a stripe on it…which is also normal. And it’s blue. That’s cool.”

And good God, I needed to shut up. Even I could hear how obvious I was. It sounded way too much like the conversation I’d been having with myself in my head, and I frowned.

Shane arched an eyebrow at me before he let out a loud bark of laughter that had me jumping in surprise. I was totally caught.

“You were checking me out,” Shane said somehow managing to sound surprised and smug at once. His voice was barely a whisper, and I was grateful for it. I supposed he’d always done that—lowered his voice when he said things like that—I just hadn’t noticed before. He’d always sounded so loud to me, because back then, I hadn’t wanted to hear what he was saying.

“Shut up,” I muttered rolling my eyes, because it’d be pointless to try and deny it and I was a little bitter about that. I smiled at him, though. I wasn’t really doing it on purpose; just…Shane looks good when he squints.

Shane grinned wide and bright. “I like you like this,” he said.

And I would have asked him what he meant by that if I didn’t already totally get it. We were…different. In the good way.

I nodded, smiling back at him. “I like it too.”

Shane shook his head, chewing his lower lip. “Not as much as me.”

“I’m pretty sure I like it more,” I said, because he only had to deal with me a part of the time. I was stuck with me, however, and I was positive there was no way he appreciated my relaxing more than I did. It felt good.

“Really?” Shane asked, rolling onto his side, so the sun wasn’t directly in his face. I missed the squinting.

“Really,” I replied, nodding absentmindedly.

“I bet you don’t,” Shane said. “Do you want to drag yourself into the nearest bathroom and make out with yourself? No? I didn’t think so. Wait…you don’t, right?”

I snorted, laughing as I shook my head. “No.”

“Ha” Shane said softly, staring at me, grin still in place. “I totally win.”

And…I was okay with that. I grinned back, dropping down on the ground to lie next to him.

Maybe it was the way that Ry and Chloe knew, and they were still there, or maybe I was just frustrated with how many fights Shane and I got into for no goddamn reason other than the fact that we could both—but mostly me—be complete idiots.

I was over it. I was done freaking out about things before they happened. If something went wrong…well, I’d deal with it then. I wasn’t going to throw fits before that, though, and I wasn’t going to spend all my time in a panic while I waited for the other shoe to drop either.

I actually felt good. About everything. As far back as I could remember, I’d never had that feeling. Like there was absolutely nothing wrong. I wanted to savor it. Fuck all the useless stressing.

I had my friends. My parents were none the wiser. I had Shane. School was…well, whatever, who the fuck cares? Life can’t be completely perfect.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The only good thing I can come up with to say about English class is that it’s my last class of the day. I’d never really paid attention in that class and that was why. I was too busy paying attention to how fast the clock was ticking to really pay attention to some fucked up story where the main guy kills his dad and marries his mother, and seriously? Sick.

“Why can’t we ever read something happy?” I asked Ryan as we exited the class after the bell rang. “Something with more rainbows and sunshine, and less…murder and incest. I mean, this is supposed to be high school. I’m scarred for life.”

“Oh, my God,” Ry replied in an exaggerated whisper, leaning in so I could hear him over the chatter in the halls. “I can’t believe I didn’t know you were gay. Did you always talk about rainbows and sunshine? Not cool.”

“Shut up,” I said, rolling my eyes after only pausing for the briefest second to check and see if anyone had picked that up.

Ry laughed, grabbing my shoulder and shoving. “Cheer up,” he said, grinning. “We read that…what’s it called…that Shakespeare thing a couple weeks ago.”

“You liked that? And you’re not gay.”

“Fuck you,” Ry said, laughing. “It was kind of cool, after Chlo explained. Hey, did you know nunnery meant, like, whorehouse? And Hamlet told his girl to go to one. Awesome.”

“The thing is,” I said, hitching my backpack further up on my shoulders. “I really have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, yeah,” Ry said, frowning. “We weren’t talking back then. You weren’t there when Chloe explained.”

I shrugged. Ry and I were finally in this place where we were hardly awkward with each other at all anymore, and I didn’t want to ruin it by bringing up our fight.

“Who cares?” I asked, smirking at him. “It’s Shakespeare. I’m passing the class…finally. And I did it without ever learning anything about nunneries and whorehouses. I rock.”

Ry’s brow furrowed as he thought that one over. “Yeah,” he said after a minute. “Yeah, you win this one.”

“I know,” I snorted. “You had to listen to Chloe talk about Shakespeare. Ha.”

“Fuck you,” he said again, with another shove. “She made it sound interesting.”

I laughed arching an eyebrow at him, but the effect was ruined when I had to sidestep to avoid running into a guy that could most definitely kick my ass if I pissed him off by tripping him in the hall. “I bet.”

“Jackass,” Ry muttered, before clearing his throat. “Speaking of Chloe…”

“No,” I said and shook my head decisively. “We’re not talking about Chloe.”

Ryan glared at me as he stopped at his locker. Usually, that was where I left him to go catch a ride with Shane, and I was going to, but you don’t just walk off when your friend is talking. Even if they’re totally insulting you.

“Can’t you just go back to being a freak that cries all the time about his big gay crisis and girly issues?” Ryan was saying. “I’m not the loser here. You are.”

“You’re a way bigger loser than me,” I said, considering it. “You use gel,” I added, because hey. Proof.

“Whatever,” Ry said, shrugging his shoulders. “I work the gel. I’m totally badass.”

I rolled my eyes, but Chloe walked up before I had a chance to respond to that.

I grinned. “Who’s the bigger loser, me, or Ry?” I asked, because she was totally going to say Ry.

“You’re both losers,” she said, preoccupied. And okay, not the response I was looking for, but at least she didn’t say me.

“What’s up?” Ry asked, face scrunching up for a second while he fidgeted awkwardly. He’d been doing that ever since he and Chloe had had their ‘talk’. He hadn’t told me what happened, but he swore he’d talked to her about it. I almost didn’t believe him, though. Nothing had really changed with the two of them, and if it weren’t for the way Chloe had dragged me off the next day to scream in a weird squeal I didn’t understand, I’d have called Bull Shit, because, seriously, almost nothing had changed.

I don’t know what I expected. I could barely imagine Ry and Chloe doing something like hold hands or—God—make out, but…that was what ‘couples’ did, right? And the thought of them as a couple was odd enough, but I couldn’t really figure out what else they could be. If Ry had talked to her, I couldn’t see how they wouldn’t have done something about…whatever you called their thing.

They didn’t hold hands, though. Even if they were a couple. They didn’t kiss, and Ry didn’t stare at Chloe’s chest.

They were the same. Chloe sometimes looked like she was going to do that creepy squealing thing and Ry shot her pathetic puppy looks when he thought no one was looking, but that was it. Oh and there was the awkward way Ry fidgeted every time Chloe walked into a room. Like now.

“Hi,” he said, after a moment of silence, and I will never give myself shit about being pathetic with Shane ever again. I was so clearly not the only one with issues.

“Hi,” Chloe replied, doing that ‘I’m trying not to smile’ thing. They were…looking at each other, and I guessed nothing was wrong with that but they were also both shooting me looks. That’d never happened before and I didn’t know what they meant but I took that as my cue to leave. I took a few steps backward, waving with a muttered ‘later’ as I did.

It was awkward, for me, but it’d pass. It never lasted very long with them, which was probably why it didn’t really feel like they changed.

Shane was waiting for me when I got out to the student parking lot. He was leaning against the driver’s side of his car talking to Caydence, laughing at something she’d said. I walked up at the end of the conversation and honestly, I didn’t even want to know what they were talking about.

“…just a baby but, Jesus, it was huge. Slimy, too. Like this really creepy, slimy, one eyed thing. And I got to watch my dad kill it. Awesome, right?”

I made a mental note to never let myself be talked into visiting Caydence at home.

“Totally,” Shane said, and okay, maybe I did have a few questions. It couldn’t have been that crazy if he agreed with her.

“Then, we got to eat it,” Caydence went on, and I immediately changed my mind. “Dad used three bottles of beer.”

Shane shook his head, giving her one of his soft smiles. “You’re special, Cay. You’re…just a special kind of person.”

Caydence narrowed her eyes at him. “My dad tell you to say that? He did, didn’t he?”

Shane shook his head, and did a double take when he finally noticed me standing there.

“Hey,” he said, biting his lip on a smile.

We all just sort of stood there for a minute. I was watching Shane smile, and Shane was watching me, and Caydence was probably watching squirrels. Whatever. We were all a little preoccupied for a second, and I couldn’t speak for them, but I could have just stood there doing nothing but watch for a while.

But Shane cleared his throat, shaking his head. “You ready?” he asked, stepping away from his car to open the door. It screeched loudly as he did, and I don’t care how much work he swore his dad was doing on the damn thing, it wasn’t getting any better. It was getting worse.

I climbed into the car on the other side to wait while Shane said bye to Caydence. I heard her say something about ‘strawberry picking’ and ‘tomorrow’, which sucked because I’d kind of wanted him to hang out on Saturday, but he said he’d be there. She waved at me through the window when Shane got into the car and I waved back, even if she was kind of ruining my weekend.

“Tyler’s coming home,” Shane said, the second he had his car door shut. “His aunt still lives here, and she’s sick.”

I frowned. “And this is good?”

“Yes,” Shane said, as if he’d just told me he’d won the fucking lottery and I’d asked if he had money to go out for pizza.

“Oh,” I said, shrugging. “So, it’s not serious?”

I was trying to care. I’d fucked up with his mom when I missed that she was sick, and…maybe he wasn’t close to Tyler’s aunt but I was trying.

“What isn’t serious?”

“Tyler’s aunt,” I replied, sliding my hand up and down my seatbelt. “Is she alright?”

“Oh,” Shane snorted, waving me off. “Yeah, she’s a drama queen. She broke a toe when Tyler was still here and Tyler’s mom took care of her for like a week. She’s an enabler. But who cares?” He took a breath. “Tyler’s coming back.”

“Right,” I said, grinning, because his mood was contagious. He was really excited. “And who’s Tyler?”

“Nobody,” Shane said, grinning widely. And no, he wasn’t really making a lot of sense, but I was okay with that.

“Tyler’s nobody? But you’re full on about to throw a parade for him?”

“No,” Shane said laughing, as he turned on his car and shifted into reverse. “Sorry, I’m having a good day.”

I couldn’t see how that was a bad thing, or why he was apologizing for it, so I just smiled. “It’s cool. So…Tyler?”

“Oh,” Shane said, and shook his head. “I told you about him. He was my friend. Him, Toby, and Caydence. And he’s totally going to kick Toby’s ass, by the way. I can’t, because it’s petty and my mother will beat me with a stick, but Tyler can. And I can watch. Caydence is going to bring Jellybeans because she hates popcorn.”

“Okay,” I said, laughing. “How long has it been since he was here?” I thought it was a good question, given how Shane was practically jumping in his seat.

“Oh,” Shane said, waving a hand at me again. “Not that long. He was here when I met you, actually. But I barely got to see him. I will this time, though.”

I arched an eyebrow. “Then why are you acting like Britney’s coming to town?”

Shane opened his mouth to respond and then shut it promptly, turning to look at me for a second before turning back to the road as he laughed his ass off.

“Brit—Britney Spears?” he asked, his eyes squeezing shut with his laughter.

And yeah, maybe I could have pulled out a better celebrity, but I wasn’t really thinking about it. And everyone knows who she is.

“You know what I mean,” I muttered defensively, rolling my eyes. “Watch the road.”

He was still chuckling when we pulled into my driveway. “Are you’re parents home?” he asked, his eyes sparkling

I promptly forgot about what we were talking about, and I felt my face flush as I lowered my voice—even though we were still in the car—and said, “They shouldn’t be.”

He nodded, biting his lip, and stared at me for a second longer before he unbuckled his seatbelt. And this was it. I could feel it.

Neither of us said a word as we walked up the path to my front door. I felt…tense. In a good way. The hair on my arms and the back of my neck stood on end, because, I swore I could feel him watching me. Staring at me.

I took me a full minute to actually unlock my door, and my breath was already picking up it’s pace, and for a good reason. I knew something was coming.

And I was right.

The second I opened my front door, Shane shoved me inside and only paused a second to make sure no one was around before he shoved the door shut by shoving me against it.

“Jesus,” was all I had time to whisper before his lips were against mine. My parents may not have been home but, it was definitely a little awkward to have him kissing me in my living room. The same living room my parents and I used to have family night in, monopoly and everything.

It was a good kiss. He pressed his body fully against mine, hands gripping at my waist as he slipped his tongue past my lips. I was almost having trouble keeping up with everything and for a second, my hands were kind of…flailing. It was just good, and promising and right when I adjusted enough to put my arms around him gripping his shoulders, he pulled away.

“Shane,” I groaned, pulling him back in, because, seriously, the pulling away was getting old quick.

“Maybe we should go somewhere else,” he commented, ignoring my attempts to get my tongue back into his mouth. His leaned in and pressed a quick kiss to my fucking nose before grabbing my wrists and pulling away. “We always get distracted here.”

“Who says distracted is a bad thing?” I asked, with a sigh.

“I do,” Shane said. “We should do something. Do you like rollerblading? Or…fishing?”

“Are you kidding?” I asked, incredulous, but it wasn’t the kind of are you kidding that means ‘of course I like fishing’. It was the kind that means…well, are you fucking kidding? You’d rather be fishing?

“No,” Shane said, walking further into the house to throw himself down on the sofa. “I think I could fish. Caydence went yesterday. She said it was fun.”

“I don’t want to fish,” I said, staring at him. “But…” I sighed again. “We could do something. If you want.”

“Nah,” Shane said, grinning at me. “I just…wanted to see if you would.”

“That was a test?” I asked, flatly. “Ass.”

Shane nodded. “Only sometimes… mostly when I’m around you.”

“Is that a good thing?”

Shane shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Oh,” I said, and shrugged as I moved to sit with him. “Okay. I guess.”

“Mmm,” he said. “So. Did you want to come with us tomorrow? Strawberry picking, I mean. You could meet Tyler.”

He said it like it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

I arched an eyebrow. “Tyler. Right.” I shrugged. “He’s the reason you’re having such a good day?”

“No,” Shane replied, grabbing the television remote and turning on the TV before changing it to some music channel. “I mean…partly, because I miss the guy, but…no. It’s just a good day. My mom had her last treatment yesterday. Tyler’s coming. I got an A on my AP History test, and now I’m here. It’s a good day.”

“Oh,” I said softly, smiling until my fucking cheeks hurt, because I was really that wrapped up in him. “So, it’s partly me.”

“Yup,” said Shane simply, before nodding at the TV. “MTV. It’s like…’I’m famous. See me date. See me date lunatics. See the lunatics I’m dating beat each other with guitars’. Dating shows. All the time.”

“Why are we watching it, then?” I asked.

“Lunatics and guitars, dude,” Shane replied clicking his tongue. “This is entertainment. Or…close enough. Catch up.”

I nodded, but Shane had his eyes glued to the screen. I tried to watch with him. But, lunatics and guitars just weren’t as interesting as he’d made them out to be. I searched for something to say—anything to get his attention away from the television, but I’d only been thinking about it for a second before I remembered something he said and mentally kicked myself for not saying anything a minute ago.

“So, your mom’s okay?” I asked, and I really was curious, but I still kind of celebrated when my plan totally worked and he immediately turned away from the television.

“Yeah,” he said after a moment’s pause. “She always was. I told you that.”

“I know,” I said, nodding. “But she’s better? She’s not sick anymore?”

Shane studied me for a second, his head cocking to the side the way it always did. It was a while before he said anything and he lowered the volume when he did.

“I don’t know,” he said, leaning back into the huge pillows at the back of the sofa. “She’s done with treatment. I figure that’s gotta be a good thing. Treatment is supposed to…treat you, right?”

I nodded like I actually knew what I was talking about. “Yeah.”

“My dad’s making cake and shit on Sunday after her next appointment, too,” he went on. “You should come.”

I wasn’t sure about that. It sounded more like a family thing.

“Uhm…if you want,” I said anyway.

“My dad cooks like I make quesadillas. Mom doesn’t even want to be there.”

I laughed, and on a whim, I said, “I didn’t throw them away.” I just blurted it out. It wasn’t even important and it kind of made me feel a little stupid, but I figured it’d make him laugh. And even if he was laughing at me, at least his smile would be back. He’d been in a good mood, and I felt like I ruined it by bring up his mom.

“You ate them?” he asked incredulously, but he was smiling again, eyes lit. “Did you get sick? My sister got sick.”

“I didn’t eat them,” I assured him, and blushed as I went on. “I put them in the fridge.”

I didn’t say why. If he didn’t get it on his own, I wasn’t telling him. I’d made enough of an ass out of myself.

“Do you still have them?” he asked, head tilting as his smile brightened. “Seriously? Did they change colors?”

“Uhm, no,” I said, brow furrowing. “My mom threw them away and she yelled at my dad because she thought it was him. I still have the note, though.”

I waited for him to laugh, and tell me what a lame thing that had been to do, or how much of a girl I was, but he didn’t do either of those things, not right away. His smile went soft and he leaned in to brush his lips lightly against mine. I let him. I didn’t push for more, and I didn’t turn away to hide the blush I felt creeping up my neck into my cheeks.

“Geek,” he whispered, his breath washing over my lips before he pulled away. And maybe it was the kiss or maybe it was the way he was smiling, but I didn’t feel like he was making fun of me.

So I shrugged. “Whatever.”

“You know it took me three hours to even make them turn out that good?” he said, sitting back against the pillows again, his head turned to look at me.

I snorted. “Is that including all the time you spent trying to make them here?”

“Hey!” he said, and threw the remote at me. “That was your fault too.”

The remote hit me in the chest, and Shane actually looked sorry about it like he wasn’t aiming to actually hit me, before I rolled my eyes and set it on the cushion next to me.

He shoved me gently before launching right into telling me all about the pans he ruined, and the way he smoked his sisters and brother out of the house. He told me that the only reason the ones he gave me weren’t burnt was because his dad had helped him, and I laughed all the way through. I also refused to take blame for how we couldn’t figure it out at my house when he was clearly so much worse off without me. He told me about how his dad got home and tried to be pissed, but couldn’t when he saw the look on Shane’s face, and the rest of Shane’s siblings sitting out on the back porch. And I told him about how awkward it was trying to explain to my mom why I was keeping toxic waste in the refrigerator.

“What’d you say?” Shane asked, chuckling, face flushed for all the laughing we were doing and I shrugged.

“Science project.”

Shane chest shook as he dissolved into another fit of laughter, and when he sobered, he told me about the science project he’d done his freshman year and how it got him suspended for a week.

We were still talking when my mom got home, arms full of groceries. She barely muttered a hello before she was stumbling into the kitchen.

Shane hopped up to help her, and I frowned, because everybody I knew was better at being a decent person than I was. My mom had come home like that a ton of times and I’d never once offered to help her.

I didn’t dwell on that for too long though. I was looking at the clock, because, I really couldn’t believe I’d spent hours just talking.

With Ryan or Chlo, it was easy. We could talk without ever having to say anything, but with Shane, I felt obligated to be…interesting, or something. I couldn’t say just anything to him. I wanted it to sound…

I don’t know.

But we’d spent three hours just talking, and I could actually remember most of it. Talking with Shane was different from talking to anyone else. I felt different. It kept me more on edge.

He touched me more, and if I said something he liked, he’d lean in to press his lips against mine. Never really long enough to start anything, and most times, he’d pull away before I had a chance to feel it. But it made something in my chest jump. Or he’d lower his voice, even when we were alone to make suggestive comments and I’d feel it. It send shivers all throughout my body.

I’d been obsessing about the lack of anything all that physical between Shane and me, but it was kind of stupid. I’d just been talking to him, and that was just as good.

Or… not, but it was close. I felt like I could go on doing it forever without really feeling like I’d wasted any time.

Shane helped my mom carry the groceries in and we both helped her put them away. I didn’t usually help her with the groceries, but Shane was totally making me look bad. She kicked us out of the kitchen so she could make dinner though, and I had a moment where I might have possibly been having an attack of paranoia when she made it a point to ask me to stay downstairs instead of holing myself up in my room as I normally did when Shane was around.

She was smiling when she said it. It was one of those smiles parents wear when they sigh and mutter ‘teenagers’ or something like that, but still… I hadn’t thought she’d noticed. I didn’t spend as much time with Chloe and Ry up in my room, but we always went up there when my parents were around. Nobody liked to hang out with their friends and parents at the same time.

“Chill,” Shane said a few moments after we sat back down in the living room. “She doesn’t know. She just wants you down for dinner. So, relax. You’re fidgeting.”

“How would you know,” I muttered. “You’re not even looking at me. You’re watching TV again.”

Which totally wasn’t annoying me at all. Just saying.

“I am looking,” he replied with a snort. “I just learned to look without you seeing me. You throw fits when you can see. It’s really dramatic. Besides, even if I wasn’t looking, I can feel you fidgeting.”

“You can not,” I protested, rolling my eyes.

“Can too,” Shane shot back, turning to grin at me. “Your knee is jumping. It’s shaking the couch.”

I glared down at my knee, and my hand shot out to steady it. And, I really wished I could be more discreet at times like that.

Shane cracked up laughing. “Told you,” he said, grinning as he flipped the channel to some movie with a hot girl tied to a tree screaming.

“Shut up,” I shot back, but I was already leaning back into the sofa, smiling as I relaxed.

The movie was…a movie. It was all hot girls having sex right before they get hacked to pieces and I wondered vaguely why they could show the hacking and the sex but they had to bleep out words like ‘shit’. It was a little ridiculous.

Mostly, I wasn’t paying attention though. Shane and I put on movies all the time, but we never really watched them, and I didn’t want to now. I wanted to go back to talking if we couldn’t go up to my room. A lot of what we’d been talking about before totally wouldn’t get me in trouble and it was a lot more enjoyable than all the blood and guts on the television.

I opened my mouth to say something once or twice, but both times, Shane started laughing at the movie before I could get actual words out, and I’d turn back to the television trying to catch what it was that made him laugh.

I tried another couple times, before I gave up. It wasn’t that bad just watching Shane enjoy himself…and he totally was. For a minute, I couldn’t decide if that was lame or kind of cute, but Shane actually jumped when the main chick’s boyfriend died, and…yeah, I was going with cute. So what? There was no proof.

I made it a solid ten minutes before I reached for the tassels on one of the throw pillows to fidget again, this time because I was bored. I could handle sitting through a stupid movie and if I could count tassels, I wasn’t going to be sighing like an annoying little brat every three seconds.

Shane still noticed the fidgeting, even though I was trying to be discreet about it, and he didn’t look at me, or say anything, but…he did reach out and drop his hand on top of mine.

I stopped fidgeting, but he didn’t move. He just let his hand rest there, and once I relaxed—after checking to make sure there was no way my mother could see us—the movie got a whole lot better.

Or…watching it got better. I wasn’t paying attention to anything but Shane’s fingers playing over my knuckles and the back of my hand. Over and over. It should have been tedious. The movie had more going on, but my focus was definitely on his fingers, and no matter how many times he stroked over the back of my hand, through my fingers and over my knuckles, slightly up my arm, and back down to brush my thigh every so often, I didn’t get bored.

I took a second to marvel at how much I really must be desperate for some kind of action if I was actually getting excited at…almost handholding, but I shrugged the thought off. My heart beat a little faster in my chest and I chewed my lower lip, as I turned my hand over. I shivered when his fingers fluttered over my palm, and yeah, I knew I was pathetic. I just didn’t give a shit. He had me completely worked up, my entire body tense, and he was barely doing anything.

I was getting a little lost in it. In that little bit of contact. It had me so on edge; I had to fight to keep my body steady. It was a good thing I hadn’t really been paying attention to the movie to begin with because my concentration was shot.

It was ridiculous. I felt like every breath of air I took was too hot for my chest, and my skin was vibrating. Fucking ridiculous. I don’t know if it was because I’d wanted to be close to him all day, and what he was giving me just wasn’t enough, or because my mom was in the next room, or maybe just because it was Shane and pretty much everything he did kind of drove me up the wall in the best way possible.

It didn’t really matter why. I’d decided not to push, or do anything to start a fight because things were good and I didn’t want to fuck it up, but right then I felt like he was teasing me. I wasn’t sure if that was fair, seeing as how he was barely touching me, but that’s what it felt like. It wasn’t enough, and I wanted more.

And I was so sure the only reason we hadn’t done anything was because Shane was holding back for me. Which kind of sucked because it meant that if I wanted anything to happen, I was going to have to say, or do something first, and I wasn’t sure how to do that, but enough was fucking enough.

Shane jerked away from me when my mom came in to tell us dinner was ready, and I was grateful, because I wasn’t really paying attention to anything that wasn’t him. He also slid a goddamn pillow into my lap, and I really don’t know where the fuck that came from. My hard on, I mean. I hadn’t even realized it was there.

And it really is stupid that the fact that he knew what he was doing to me didn’t really embarrass me at all. It turned me on more, and I clenched my jaw around a frustrated groan.

“What’s wrong, honey?” My mom asked, sitting down on the coffee table in front of us. “Are you feeling alright? You look a little pale.”

She slid her hand over my cheek and up to my forehead to feel for a fever. I shoved her hand away, glaring.

“I’m fine, mom,” I muttered, and she didn’t even try to hide her fond smile. Whatever. I just didn’t want her touching me. It was not the time.

“Right,” she said, standing back up. And she ran her hand through my fucking hair.

I hate her sometimes.

“Come on,” she went on. “Have some dinner. See if that helps.”

Shane was smirking at me when I turned back to him to ask if he was cool with staying for dinner. But fuck that, he could go home.

“Yeah,” Shane said, licking his lips, and I was totally just kidding about him going home. “Let’s eat, I’m starving.”

“Dinner’s in the kitchen,” Mom said smiling at him. “Help yourself.” She turned back to me. “Make sure you get the dishes done before you dad gets home.”

“Where are you going?” I asked, turning away from Shane for a second because…I had to. I was having thoughts that were entirely inappropriate to have in front of my mom and I figured I needed to take a step back and breathe. I just needed to be…looking elsewhere.

“Dryer’s acting up again,” mom told me and nodded to the basket of clothes she had waiting in the doorway of the kitchen. “I’m taking them to the Laundromat.”

Oh. Well, boring. “Okay,” I told my mother and glared at Shane when she leaned down to kiss my forehead, daring him to say anything about it.

He smiled. “Bye Mrs. Taylor. Thanks for dinner.”

My mom smiled back at him and she was saying something about it being her pleasure or whatever. I was looking at Shane again, smiling with my back turned on my mom because she was leaving and dinner was going to have to wait.

Shane frowned when I gripped his arm to keep him from going into the kitchen, but I just grinned at him. I wanted to kiss him. Just…I could handle not having any more, but I wanted at least that much.

I waited until I heard my mom’s car pull away, and I didn’t even ask before I dragged him upstairs to my room. Yes, dragged. He wasn’t exactly fighting me, but he wasn’t hurrying to keep up either.

Any other day that might have offended me, or at the very least, it would have had me backing down. But it was his fucking fault, damn it, and it wasn’t like I was going to make him do anything. I just…really needed to be kissing him. Now.

“Jake,” he said the second I all but slammed my bedroom door shut behind us. “I really should go home.”

“No, you shouldn’t,” I argued, and I pressed against him. “You should really stay. Trust me.”

That had Shane laughing a little, and when I moved in to kiss him, he let me.

“Alright,” he muttered into my mouth. “I’ll stay. If you’re asking.”

“I’m asking.”

“Just for a few minutes,” he whispered, already sounding a little distracted, and fine, a few minutes, what the fuck ever, I just wanted to be kissing him.

I led him backward to my bed, my lips sliding sloppily over his, uncoordinated. And whatever, I didn’t even care. If he wanted this to be graceful, he could help or something.

His knees hit the edge of my bed before I expected and I pulled back just in time to avoid biting Shane’s tongue, which hadn’t happened before but I didn’t need experience to know something like that probably doesn’t help the…mood.

I pushed him down on the bed, but before I could pin him, the way he always did to me, he pulled me down next to him, pushing me flat on my back. And yeah, I took a second to wonder if he did that so it’d be easier for him to pull away. But only a second. Because Shane was letting me kiss him.

It took a second for Shane to get into it, which by the way, is distracting. I couldn’t really enjoy it if he wasn’t. I wasn’t even sure I really wanted him to stay a few minutes if he was only doing it to humor me, but he relaxed, sighing into my mouth a second before I moved to pull back.

It would have been harder to push—to initiate things the way I was if it weren’t for the fact that Shane made it so obvious he wanted me. That he enjoyed this just as much as I did. I mean, I wasn’t the sharpest…and actually, I was kind of slow, but even I could see it.

He was always pulling away, and that bothered me, but it would have bothered me more if it weren’t for the way that he’d grip my shirt, pushing and pulling right before he did, like he didn’t really want to back off. Or the way, if I ran my tongue over the inside of his lips, he’d dig his fingers into my shoulders hard enough to hurt. And he was always moving, his body shaking, writhing above mine, and God, it was hot. He was hot. And I knew he wanted me.

Or…I was almost positive.

I was pretty sure the only reason he’d been pulling away was because of me. Because he didn’t want to freak me out, and I wasn’t going to, but I couldn’t blame him for thinking so, all things considered. I just…wished he’d stop holding back.

I knew he was just as into it as I was. He was gripping me so fucking tight I wouldn’t be surprised if I bruised from it, and he was letting out these grunts, his hips twitching like he was trying his damnedest to keep them still and it wasn’t quite working. I could feel him hard against my hip, even if he was trying to hide it, and I hated that I was the reason nothing was going to happen. I was the reason he was pulling away.

Again.

I was so over it.

I followed his lips when he pulled away this time, instead of just trying to pull him back in and…that almost worked. It worked well enough to get him to forget for a second what he’d been about to do and he kissed me back, hands sliding over my chest and up to my neck.

“Jake,” he whispered, pressing his forehead against mine to keep me from moving back in. “I really need to go.”

“Your parents are like…the coolest people ever, and I know you’re curfew isn’t actually…at eight thirty,” I said quickly, trying to get him to just shut up, and let it go, because I was fine. He was fine. We were all fine and could we please just be doing this.

“That’s not why, I just…have to leave,” Shane said, hands gripping my shoulders and pushing me back when I moved to kiss his neck, and…okay, I couldn’t really ignore that. There was an entire section in sex Ed dedicated to ‘no means no’. And…Shane wasn’t a girl, but I was pretty sure it still applied.

“Shane,” I sighed, pulling back. “Why?”

He chewed his lips, and for the first time in…ever, Shane was the one avoiding my eyes.

“Do you…want to leave?” I asked, my eyes widening and I was already going through all the reasons I’d used to convince myself that he wanted me and second guessing every last one of them.

“No,” Shane said, eyes shooting up to meet mine, and I let out a relieved sigh as he repeated. “No, I don’t. I just…” he took a breath, closing his eyes. “I can stay. I want to, I just…you really need to give me a minute,” he finished smiling softly, his cheeks tinted pink.

And Jesus Christ, if I only had a fucking brain. Maybe I wasn’t the only reason Shane was always taking off. Or…I was. I was right, he didn’t want to push, but maybe he was also leaving because it was hard for him to stay. So to speak.

I took a breath and placed a hand on his thigh to get him to look at me.

“You don’t…” I said, and swallowed, taking another breath to calm myself down and do this. Something had to give, and it obviously wasn’t going to be Shane. I hated that it had to be me, but seriously, this was getting a little ridiculous. I smiled at him before continuing. “You don’t need a minute.”

I moved closer to him, pressing a hand in the center of his chest until he was lying down against my pillows. He was watching me, his body loose, letting me pretty much manhandle him, but he wasn’t complaining. He was just…watching. Waiting.

I leaned in, scooting closer until my body was pressed full against his side, and fuck it, I was going for it. I thrust my erection against his hip, and bit my lower lip on the gasp that threatened to slip out.

I looked up, met his eyes, and repeated, “You really, really don’t want to take a minute.”

“I don’t?” he asked, hissing in a breath of air as he stared right back at me. His brow furrowed, and he swallowed, licking his lips rapidly. “Are you sure, Jake? Seriously, we don’t need…”

I shook my head. “I’m sure,” I cut him off, because I didn’t really want to get into what I did or didn’t need. I wanted this, and that was pretty much all I could say. I didn’t want to go into detail. I was ready, and I’m sure that pretty much covered it.

God, I just…I wanted more. I mean, I saw him every fucking day and it was good. I liked everything about him. He was always so fucking…nice. Too nice to me, especially when I hadn’t given him any reason to be. I liked his stupid jokes and the annoying way he always laughed at me, or looked at me like he could see right through all my bullshit. He never pushed me, and I liked that too, even if it was a pain in the ass…like now.

It’d been enough, just being around him, because even that made me feel…just feel. But I wanted more, and if he was willing, and I was willing, It was stupid for us not to go there.

Also, I was so fucking hard, it hurt to have my jeans on and something had to fucking give already.

“I’m sure,” I repeated with a nod and I crawled on top of him, watching him the whole while, tensed for any objections he might have but he didn’t say anything.

And then I was kissing him again, my hands grasping and clutching at his sides, his hips, and his shoulders as I tried to feel all of him at once. It was a lot faster than when he touched me. Not because I was eager…or not only because I was eager. It was also that I didn’t want to give myself time to think about what I was doing. I wanted him, and I didn’t want to second-guess myself the way I so often did. I wasn’t going to back down at the last moment and fuck everything up all over again.

I wanted more…I did. I thought about it all the time, but now that I was here actually doing this, I had no fucking clue how to start.

I kept hoping that if I kissed him hard enough, pulled him close enough, dug my fingers deep enough into his shoulders, he’d catch the hint and make a move, but he didn’t. He was leaving it all on me. He didn’t deepen the kiss until I did. His hands stayed on my hips and didn’t move except to grip me a little tighter each time I thrust my tongue into his mouth, desperate for more and too much of a fucking pussy to actually do anything about it myself.

Lame. Really lame.

I pulled back enough to rest my forehead against his, uneven breaths slipping past my lips and into Shane’s mouth, still open and panting. I didn’t want to stop, and I wasn’t going to, but I needed to take a breath and find my balls. Which shouldn’t have been as hard as it was, considering.

“This is okay?” I asked softly, hoping like hell he knew what I was talking about.

“Yeah, it’s…yeah,” he said, and my head slid off to the side when he nodded.

“Okay,” I said, more to myself than him. “Alright.”

I kissed him against, softer. Slower. Slipped my tongue out just enough to taste his lips, and then I slid my mouth down to his neck. I wanted his lips, but it was easier, knowing he couldn’t see me. I was more nervous than I could ever remember being in my life. I’d been nervous when Shane had done this for me, but I didn’t have to do anything then. I just had to lay back and enjoy it.

This was different. I was…terrified I wouldn’t get it right. It was his turn to…sit back and enjoy, but what if he didn’t? Enjoy it, I mean.

Stop.

I couldn’t think about it. I just had to keep going. I’d jerked myself off more times than I could count in the last fucking week. I could totally do this. But I couldn’t look at him, so I kept my lips at his neck, no matter how much I wanted to be kissing him.

Besides, it was worth it for the way he shuddered out a gasp, when my teeth rode over the skin of his neck, more by accident while I was taking a breath than anything else, but he liked it. So I did it again, a little longer.

I slid my hand over his thigh, up over his hip…and it would have only been logical for me to slide my hand between us to touch his cock. I could feel it against me, and really that was the whole point of all this, but I was stalling. Or… I was building up to it.

Shane let out something like I whimper when I slipped my hand up his shirt, fingers gliding over his stomach, feeling as it flexed and quivered. He groaned when my fingertips slid over his chest, playing at his nipples when I saw that he liked it. And hell if that wasn’t encouraging.

I pulled back, chancing a look at Shane’s face because…well, the only reason I’d been hiding was because I was afraid of what he was thinking, but…he was enjoying it. I was almost positive he was enjoying it. I just had to see. To make sure.

Good fucking God.

Shane doesn’t blush, not really. But his whole face, his neck, and the little bit of his chest that I could see were all flushed with color, and his eyes—God, his fucking eyes. Liquid black, lined with the sharpest blue, and God, this was the best idea I’d ever had. In like, my entire life. Including that time I bet my mom I could keep a job for the summer if she’d let me go with Ry and Chlo to Warp Tour.

I pulled back, pushing Shane’s legs apart so I could kneel between them and he just…let me. He just went with it. Didn’t even flinch, and why had I been so afraid he’d say no?

I couldn’t remember.

I pressed both my hands against Shane’s stomach, just pressing at first to feel him flex against my palms before I pushed up, lifting his shirt as I did. And Shane…he lifted his arms without a fucking word, higher and higher as I pushed his shirt until he was sitting up to help me get it off of him.

He tossed his shirt off the side of my bed before he laid back down, eyes on me the whole time, waiting. I was…intrigued. Like, he was there, and he was Shane and I was…allowed to touch him and do whatever I wanted and that thought was making me quake.

“Are you okay?” Shane asked, and my eyes lifted from his chest to meet his.

My head moved, but it was awkward. Part nodding and shaking my head, and finally I just said, “I have no idea,” but I don’t think I meant it in a bad way. I was a little overwhelmed. I wanted, but I didn’t know what. And Shane didn’t seem to care; he was letting me do whatever.

I really couldn’t get over that.

“We can stop,” Shane said, and I met his eyes again, but not before looking down to see…yeah, still fully hard, pressing up against the front of his pants. And he still looked like he meant it. Like we could stop, and he wouldn’t even get pissed at me for pushing this far.

I took a breath and shook my head, decisively this time. “No,” I said. “I don’t want to stop.”

My hands shook when I moved to touch him again, and this time, I went for it. I pressed my hand against the front of Shane’s pants, palming his cock through his jeans. He let out a surprised gasp, and pressed his head back into my pillows, eyes falling shut.

“Jake,” he half groaned, half whispered, but I didn’t think he was actually trying to say anything. Not to me, anyway. I don’t know, I just…I was fairly certain he wasn’t expecting me to answer.

I moved out from between his legs, lying back down next to him, moving in as close as I could. I pressed my hand harder against him, sliding my thumb up and over the head of his cock, and I got one hell of a shock when Shane let out another groan, and actually reached out for me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders, and pulling me in tight. I could feel him panting against my ear, the side of my face and neck, and I really wasn’t expecting this to turn me on as much as it was. I mean, I was already hard—I had been most of the night—but I hadn’t expected actually doing this to have much of an effect on me, but I could feel myself actually getting close just touching him. Having him grip me, like he was afraid I was going somewhere, and can I just say; fat fucking chance, that was so not happening.

I moved my hand, rubbing against him, and it would have been so fucking easy to just…undo his belt and slip my hand inside, but I wasn’t quite ready to go there yet. I was going to, but I was…I was just working my way through this. I was making it up as I went, and if it wasn’t enough for Shane, he definitely wasn’t saying anything about it. His hips were thrusting against my hand, and he was alternating between licking the shell of my ear and my neck, and letting out these sharp whimpers.

I wasn’t even moving that much and I was out of breath. I hadn’t ever thought it would be like that. I hadn’t thought I’d enjoy actually touching him. I hadn’t thought anyone ever enjoyed giving. I thought it was just something you did because you had to if you wanted to get anything in return.

I was a fucking idiot.

I gripped Shane through his jeans, squeezing and he let out another, almost pained whimper, nipping at my earlobe, and …that was why I went for more. Because of him. The way he was reacting. I wanted to see what I could do to him, and it was me. I was doing it. I was the reason he was chewing his lower lip…or my ear, and gasping like he’d never get enough air.

The thought had me dizzy. I mean, I was sure Shane had had more than just…this. I knew he had more experience than I did, it was what had me so nervous. I hadn’t thought I’d be able to do anything that would be enough for him, but I could. He was desperate with it. Just as desperate as I was, and he wasn’t doing a thing to hide it.

So, I took a breath, and I reached for his belt. I pulled the tine through the leather, trying to breathe, or even think over the pounding in my chest.

“Oh, God,” Shane croaked, and I looked up to see him staring up at the ceiling, biting his lower lip.

I was totally right there with him, I slid my hand into his jeans, under his boxers, and oh, God, I was actually enjoying it. My hips were thrusting up against him as I touched, stroked, and pulled, and I couldn’t stop it. I needed to stop it, because…embarrassing. I was pretty sure Shane was going to at least try and touch me, and I didn’t want to have to stop him, but God, I couldn’t help it.

I gripped Shane tighter, squeezing, sliding my thumb just under the head of his cock, because…well, I liked it. And Shane was…pretty vocal about how he felt about it, so I did it again. I thumbed over the slit in the head, and Shane whimpered, hips pulling back from me, and he wasn’t complaining, wasn’t asking me to stop, but I wasn’t sure that was a good thing, so I moved on. I gripped him tight at the base and pulled up long and slow, and…Christ, I had no clue what I was doing. I was winging it, just listening and watching. He was letting me lead, but I was following him, paying attention as best as I could to figure out what he liked, and hoping like hell, I got it right.

I did. Shane said my name when he came, softly before he choked on it, his entire body seizing up, strung tight. I froze when I felt him jerking in my hand, but only for a second, because…yeah, that’d suck. His entire body shook, arched off the bed in a pose that looked painful as I stroked him through it, and he just kept coming, hot and wet against my hand until his body just…fell.

I pulled back while Shane was coming down and I had an awkward moment where I tried to figure out what to wipe my hand on, but I rolled my eyes at myself, and wiped it where I always did when it was my dick I’d just had my hand on. The sheets.

I turned to Shane, hesitating for a second as I watched him breathe, eyes closed, trying to relax before I moved in, pressed my lips to his shoulder.

Funny thing. Right then? I didn’t even care if he returned to favor. My cock ached where it pressed against the zipper of my jeans, but I didn’t really give a shit.

Yeah, I might be lying. But only slightly. I cared but I wasn’t in any hurry.

It didn’t take Shane long to get back with it though. He turned on me and didn’t even give me time to think before he was yanking my shirt up, forcing me to move so he could actually get it over my head.

And I was gone, completely lost the second he touched me. It was quick. The first time he gave me a hand job—and I was so fucking glad I was going to get another—he’d gone so fucking slow, but I could barely keep track of where his hands were this time. They were all over me, and my brain, like…fell out through my ears or something because I couldn’t think.

He had his lips on my neck, and then my chest, and holy mother of God; I really, really, like my nipples. Or maybe I just like his tongue on my nipples.

What. The fuck. Ever.

I could feel my stomach muscles twitching as he kissed his way down, tonguing over what muscle I had, and I barely registered the clinking of my belt as he opened it, nor the snick of my zipper being pulled down, and yes, I was totally going to get another hand job.

Or…not.

I may have screamed. Possibly. Because, honestly, I thought getting a hand job was going to be the best thing ever to happen to me. Ever.

But Shane wrapped his hand around the base of my cock and fucking licked the head, before sucking it into his mouth, and Jesus fucking Christ.

I was going to die. And I wasn’t even that upset about it.

“Is this alright?” Shane asked, pulling away. “I can…do you…”

I would have warned him. I was trying to find the words. But they wouldn’t come out, and I came.

Any other day, or minute, or maybe even second, I might have been mortified that Shane hadn’t moved far enough away to avoid being hit with my come—just in the chin, but still— however, right then, I couldn’t fucking think, much less panic. Besides, Shane didn’t look all that bothered.

I lay there gasping for long minutes, though I couldn’t tell you how many. I could hardly hear the sound of Shane panting next to me over the blood rushing in my ears, and I had an odd feeling like I was still turned on…or like I hadn’t completely come down yet. Like I couldn’t. My whole body was humming, my skin tingling all over, like when my leg wakes up after it’s fallen asleep…only everywhere.

I took a few deep, steadying breaths and laughed up at my ceiling, because all this? Wasn’t hard at all. Touching Shane wasn’t a chore. I couldn’t believe I’d been afraid to do it, and I was almost certain it was going to become my new favorite thing to do. In fact, I was fully ready to do it again. Like, soon.

Also, blow jobs? The best thing ever. I was totally ready to believe in like, a higher power or something. Because something like that doesn’t just exist.

Christ I had sex. Sort of. And it was awesome. I was awesome. The world was awesome.

Mostly, Shane was awesome.

“Are you alright?” he asked, and I jumped, jarred out of my thoughts. I grinned as I rolled onto my side to look at him. His lips were twitching up into a tentative smile, like he wasn’t sure I was laughing in a good way, or, in a hysterical way. And I felt so fucking good, I wasn’t even offended.

I snorted at his question, and leaned up to kiss him, just briefly before I shrugged and pulled back. “I don’t know,” I replied, and my cheeks were starting to hurt for all the smiling.

“Freaking out?” Shane asked, but not unkindly.

I shook my head. “Nope. I don’t think God hates me anymore either.”

Shane cocked his head to the side, staring at me with a bemused look on his face before his eyes widened and he started laughing.

“You are such a loser,” he said, pulling me in close. And…we were done, but I was glad for it. He stroked up and down my arm, and...it wasn’t because he was getting ready to go again—though I wasn’t going to complain if that was the plan—it was just…because. I liked it. I liked being close. It felt warm. Good.

“No,” I said, laying my head on his shoulder when he pushed his arm around me. “I’m awesome.”

Shane laughed, and it may have been my imagination, but I swore he sounded relieved. “Maybe a little awesome. But mostly you’re a loser.”

“Losers can’t be awesome,” I replied. “They also don’t get laid.”

Shane snorted, shaking his head at me, before leaning down to kiss my nose. It tickled and I twitched with it, but I fucking liked this. I liked that he wasn’t running out, or pushing me away. I liked that we could just stay.

I kept waiting for the awkward to come and it…didn’t. We just laid there, silently, or we’d talk, and Shane would laugh at me, or with me, but either way it was never bad. I was never uncomfortable. It was kind of hard to be with Shane constantly stroking up my arm, or leaning in for kissing, or telling me ridiculous stories. I was…giddy. I felt like jump roping.

Or…you know…kick boxing.

Whatever.

And when Shane finally did really have to leave, I was okay. I mean, I wanted him to stay like I always did. I even tried to stall him like I always did. I walked him to the door, and kissed him in my living room without even checking around like a paranoid little freak. No one was home, but I still usually checked to make sure I was right about that.

“I’ll pick you up in the morning,” Shane told me, smirking as I tried to keep him from reaching the doorknob.

“I can’t go strawberry picking,” I told him. “Even Chloe will give me shit.”

“You don’t want to go?”

“Yes,” I snorted. “But if anyone asked, you have to tell them I said that.”

“Who’s going to ask?” Shane returned, cocking an eyebrow.

I shrugged. “I don’t know. But now you have an answer if they do.”

Shane rolled his eyes. “Freak.”

“Yeah,” I sighed. “Do you want to stay for dinner?”

I’d forgotten about the food, but I could smell it now that we were downstairs and…my stomach was bitching at me.

“Jake,” Shane complained, but he was smiling. “I have to go.”

“You don’t want to,” I replied, and I was totally sure of it. I didn’t even hesitate.

“No,” Shane agreed. “But I still have to be home, like…twenty minutes ago.”

“Oh,” I frowned, but Shane barely let it stick for a second before he was kissing it away, slipping his tongue into my mouth one last time before he left.

And…it sucked, just like always. But I was cool with it. I was good, but I was still a little overwhelmed and I could use the time to myself. Besides, I could almost still feel him. I was definitely still warm all over, and tight in the chest.

Awesome. The world was fucking awesome. I was totally ready to forgive it for being such a bitch to me.

I waited until Shane was in his car to shut my front door, and when I did, I didn’t move far. I turned around and leaned against it with a sigh. Actually, I felt like I was sighing every time I exhaled.

I wasn’t tense or anything. I didn’t have that overwhelmed energetic feeling I had the first time Shane had put his hand on my dick. It was different this time. I was just happy…and a little dizzy. I felt completely wrapped in something warm, like Shane was still there, and almost…sluggish. Pleasantly so, but still, I didn’t want to do much more than throw myself in bed, and replay the events of the night.

There was a knock at my door right as I was turning away to go upstairs, and I grinned, thinking it was Shane. But the doorknob turned before I could get my hand there, and Ryan walked in instead, and yeah, I’d known he was coming to get me for homework with Chlo, I’d just forgotten.

And what the hell had he been doing, watching my fucking house, waiting for Shane to leave?

Most disturbing thought ever.

I know I said I’d make an effort to spend more time with my friends and less time obsessing, but give me a fucking break. I was trying. I felt like I’d been spending more time with Ryan lately than anyone else, trying to make up for that shit with his mom. Besides, he and Chloe were like…whatever. I didn’t want to be around for whatever they were.

I was glad for them, but I could be glad from a distance. I’d known them both forever and it was weird. I wondered if Ryan ever thought so.

He was my best friend, and any other time I’d have been happy to have him, but…I couldn’t think about the things I wanted to with him there. I couldn’t lay down either, and I’d just…forgotten he was coming.

Which is my only reason for greeting him the way I did.

“What?” I snapped, losing my grin the second he stepped into the house.

“Jesus,” Ry said, frowning. “What’s up your ass?”

I glared at him for a second, but I was actually in way too good a mood to keep it up for long. I sighed.

“Sorry,” I said. “I’m just…”

I don’t know where I was going with that. I think I was going to give him an excuse, but I didn’t really have a reason to be pissy. And when I thought of why I didn’t have a reason to be pissy, biting my lip didn’t do a goddamn thing to stop the grin that spread across my face.

“Okay,” Ry said, eyes wide and brows raised, and he was careful when he sidestepped around me to get into the house, like he didn’t want to risk coming close to me. “I’m hungry.”

“Seriously?” I said, slamming the door and turning to gape at him. “You’re hungry?” I felt he could have at least made up a better excuse, considering he was totally killing my buzz, but…I took a breath when I remembered he didn’t know that. And I sure as hell wasn’t going to tell him.

“Yeah,” Ry said, moving toward the kitchen. “Starving. Your mom cooks for you. Have pity, and feed me. My dad made some weird thing and it smells alright, but there was rice, sliced cheese, and an entire jar of mayonnaise involved and I’m just not that adventurous.”

I followed him, sighing as he walked into the kitchen and right over to the stove, lifting the pot lid.

“Pot roast,” he said, sighing contentedly. “Awesome. And this probably won’t poison me.”

He dug in without bothering to heat it up or get a fork, and it was about then that I remembered Ry was my best friend, and I grabbed a plate and the mashed potatoes and corn to make him a plate and warm it up for him. Besides, I was kind of hungry too, so after taking a minute to glare at Ry, I made myself a plate too.

“I knew you loved me,” Ry said, through a mouthful of half chewed meat. I rolled my eyes, as I punched in the time on the microwave.

“Shut up, or starve,” I threatened.

Ry swallowed his food and glared at me. “Jesus you need to get laid.”

And here’s what I meant when I said freaking out had only ever got me caught. In my defense, this time I wasn’t so much freaking out as much as I was… surprised, because Ry said it and…it was just shocking because at least part of my mind had been stuck on ‘I totally just got laid’ since Shane left. It was disturbing, okay. I can’t be blamed.

I choked when Ryan said that and started coughing up a lung. I waited until I caught my breath to ramble on about how he had no idea what he was talking about and oh, my god, could he tell? Because, my mom wasn’t going to be gone forever, and well…as much as I hated it, I’d much rather be having this conversation with Ry than my mom.

Ry’s eyes widened, and I wanted to go in the bathroom and drown myself. I really hoped the embarrassment would kill me, but nothing that good ever happens to me in times like these.

The kitchen was completely silent, and I just waited, watching him. I hadn’t meant to tell him, but…I think part of me sort of wanted to. I spent the last year listening to Ry tell me stories about the girls he took out and I always just figured the second any of that shit happened to me, I’d run to him to tell him.

And yeah, it was different because Shane was different. He…well, he had a dick, but still. Ry was my best friend, and…it’s not like I could take the words back. He’d been different lately and…if he was okay with me being gay, and I was okay with it… I wanted him to know.

I cleared my throat and went to grab myself a bottle of water, and the movement was enough to snap Ry out of his shock, or whatever the fuck.

“Oh…” he said, staring with wide eyes. “I mean…oh. Wow. Seriously?” He shook his head, once, and then again, like he couldn’t clear it. “Gross.”

I glared at him.

“Not judging,” he said, lifting his hands. He let out a laugh and a sigh before going on. “It’s awesome. But gross. And…wow. You…” he sighed, and finally started laughing. I was torn between relief that he at least wasn’t freaking out about it, and humiliation because…come on.

This was not how I’d wanted the rest of my night to go.

“Fuck off,” I muttered, dropping Ry’s plate on the counter, replacing it with mine in the microwave, before moving to the fridge. I grabbed Ryan a soda, mostly out of habit. I didn’t really think he deserved it.

“So what happened?” Ry asked, curiously just as I was taking a drink and I spit my water out across my mother’s favorite area rug. It was water, not like it was going to stain, but that was so not even the fucking point.

I wanted to tell him something happened. I wanted him to know I’d done something. But I wasn’t about to give him details. That was his thing, not mine.

And I couldn’t believe he was actually asking. I’d thought he’d be mad that I’d given him as much information as I already did, not ask for more.

“What?” I squeaked, staring at Ry. “No. Just…eat the fucking food, and forget about it.”

“No way,” Ry said, and I was sure he meant to sound offended, but it didn’t work so well because he’d at least taken my advice about the food, and his mouth was full of it. “I told you all about it when I lost my virginity.”

I wondered if that’s what’d happened. I wondered if what Shane had done counted as losing my…

“Jesus, Ry,” I said, shaking my head to clear it of those thoughts. “I never asked you to.”

“But I did,” Ry returned. “So…cough it up. Did it hurt? I bet it hurt.”

Oh, my God. I hated him. I really did.

“No,” I said, my voice weak as I turned away. Blushing in front of asshole best friends is not allowed. “We didn’t do…that. It was just…” I sighed, closing my eyes. “Why do you want me to say anything at all? You just said you thought it was gross.”

“You having sex is gross,” he said, and he looked serious. “I mean, really gross. Really, really, really…”

“I got it,” I snapped, braving another sip of my water, as I leaned against the kitchen counter.

“You should not be acting like such a dick if you just got laid,” Ry said, thoughtfully. “Maybe he didn’t do it right. Did you like it?”

“Oh, god,” I said, grimacing. “Stop.”

“Just tell me what you did,” Ry said. “You have to. Who else are you going to tell?”

“I’m not telling you anymore. I just told you that so you couldn’t keep calling me a prude.” Okay, maybe that wasn’t exactly the reason, but I wasn’t going to give Ry any more reasons to call me a chick.

“I’m your best friend,” Ry said when I didn’t respond. “It’s rules, dude. It’s not like I’m going to tell anyone.”

I sighed. “Ry…”

“Are you okay?” he asked, frowning suddenly. “He didn’t…”

“I’m fine,” I cut him off before he could go on. “That’s not…it’s not him. I just can’t…” I sighed. “I don’t know why you care.”

“I told you everything,” Ry replied, eyes narrowing as he got angry. “I even told you about how I fucked it all up the first time and how I got scared when I saw her twat, and how I totally didn’t make her come, and…Jesus. I didn’t tell anyone that.”

I really wished he wasn’t telling me again. This wasn’t going at all like I’d thought I thought he’d get angry, but I expected it to be because he didn’t want to know.

“You really don’t want to tell me anything?”

I sighed. “Ry,” I said, shrugging and giving him my best apologetic look. “Why aren’t you freaking out?”

Ry shrugged; face smoothing out so he at least wasn’t glaring at me anymore. “I don’t want you to go into detail or anything, but you’re supposed to…I mean, I told you.”

“And I told you,” I pointed out, and it was true. In a way. I hadn’t meant to at first but, I told him. I felt accomplished. “I just don’t know what you want.”

“Did you like it?” he asked again, and I guessed that wasn’t such a hard question. I knew the answer at least, and my biggest problem with the conversation was that I kept expecting Ryan to turn around and start being weird around me again. Like…I don’t know. He acted like he was okay knowing I was gay, but I wasn’t sure he’d be okay knowing I’d…

Whatever. He was obviously okay.

So, I shrugged, sighing, thinking for a moment, before I settled on saying, “It was…good.” I didn’t really need to think about it. It wasn’t just good, it was ten different levels of fucking awesome, but I didn’t want to sound…over excited or anything.

But maybe I should have gone with ‘fucking awesome’ because Ry cracked up. “Duh. Stupid. It’s sex. Of course it was good.”

“We didn’t have sex,” I blurted out, my face burning with a blush. “We did…other stuff.”

“Other stuff?” Ry smirked, and it so wasn’t fair. I didn’t give him any kind of shit when he came over all freaked out after he had sex. I even let him sleep in my fucking bed. And I shared my pillows. Fucker did not deserve it.

“Yeah,” I said defiantly. “Other stuff.” I could have said blowjob. Ry and I used to talk about what it’d be like to get one, and I wasn’t about to go all shy, but…it didn’t sound right. It sounded…tacky.

“Oh, god, I’m a girl.”

“No way,” Ry said seriously, and I couldn’t believe he was disagreeing. I raised a questioning eyebrow and he smirked again. “Girls can’t get blowjobs, Jake.”

“I really hate you,” I said, shaking my head.

And, later, after I had time to actually think, I was going to be proud of myself for how well I was handling this. Right then, I mostly wondered if I could get away with punching Ry and convincing him he fell in the kitchen before he could do anything back.

“I hate you,” Ry shot back. “Seriously, you’ve known Shane, what? A couple months. I’ve known Chloe forever and all I’ve gotten is one, yeah just one, kiss. Fuck that. There’s obviously something wrong with the world.”

“You kissed Chloe?” I asked, eyes widening. And he’d been pissed at me for not telling him? Ha.

“Yeah,” Ry said with a sigh. If he ever tried to bring this conversation up again, I was going to use the happy way he was smiling and staring off into space and that sigh to get back at him. Because he is an ass, and I knew he’d be bringing it up.

“So, what’s the hold up,” I asked, twisting the top back onto my bottle of water, after taking another sip. “Doesn’t usually take you this long.”

Ry glared at me, and punched me. Hard. I was kidding. Jesus. It wasn’t as if Ry was really some kind of man whore, and I knew that. He dated half the female population of our school…and maybe surrounding schools, and he wasn’t a virgin but it’s not like he got them all in to bed. It was a joke.

“She’s…Chloe. I feel like I have to treat her a certain way. I can’t…” Ry closed his eyes and took a breath. “You remember how I was with Eve? Like, how I was always copping a feel, reaching up her skirt during lunch and shit?”

“Uhm, no,” I said, more than a little disturbed at the visual. “I never saw anything like that. And I’m glad.”

“Shut up,” he said, waving me off, sloshing soda down his arm as he jerked the bottle around. “I just mean…I feel like I have to be better with Chlo. I can’t do shit like that with her. She’s…I don’t know. I think I’d have to kick my own ass if I tried.”

“You realize you’re not making any kind of sense, right?”

Ryan glared at me. “Whatever,” he said. “You changed the subject anyway.”

“Huh?” I asked, but playing stupid wasn’t going to work.

Ry shook his head, taking a drink of his water before responding. “You were telling me about all the dirty gay sex you were having.”

“Jesus, Ry,” I said, because…well, Jesus. “Shut up.”

“No,” Ry said, regaining his smirk. He set his bottle down on the counter, grabbing his plate to toss it into the trash. “I don’t want details, but seriously, Jakey. Shane. A guy. Still, not being an ass, I swear, but I… can’t believe you went through with it. I would have bet you’d pussy out if he ever tried going near your dick.”

I almost told him I’d already gotten a hand job before, but I didn’t. I cringed and walked around the kitchen table toward the living room. It was best to walk away. Partly because Ry couldn’t see me blushing that way, and partly was because…I was so done having this conversation with him.

Ry followed me though, laughing while he talked and joked and basically did everything he could to make my life hard. And…humiliating.

“You got your dick sucked…by a dude. A guy sucked your dick,” he was saying as we made our way toward the stairs. He kept repeating it, in every way he could, ordering the words different, inflection changing every time. I wanted to hit him.

And then I did.

“Ow, asshole. It’s just… I can’t get over it. Shane made you a man,” Ry went on, laughing. “He blew you, dude. Shane gave you…”

Ry was cut off by the sound of a laundry basket falling near the stairs. Ry laughed like he thought I’d actually tried to throw something at him. I almost laughed too, watching laundry scatter while the basket hit the floor. It sounded kind of like a shoe dropping.

I didn’t laugh, though. Not really. Not even close.

I swallowed sand, and didn’t even bother looking up from my mismatched socks on the floor when I croaked, “Mom.”