String - 8. Jealous Guy

“Happy birthday, dear Danny! Happy birthday to you!”

Danny blew out the candles on his birthday cake and we all cheered for him. Everybody was all smiles. He put his arm around Lydia, our former field commander, and gave her a kiss. Danny and Lydia had become an item right after football season had ended. His friends were impressed that he’d bagged a senior girl. We were even more impressed he’d managed to stay with her all the way through the New Year into February. Usually Danny’s relationships lasted a month or so before they fell apart.

Danny’s birthday party was also the first time I’d been at his house since the end of football season. I’d been invited, so it wasn’t like the other times when he just dropped me like a bad habit to hang out with his girlfriend. In fact, Danny had gone out of his way to be extra nice to me since he’d ripped my heart out of my chest that night and stomped on it. I turned down his invitations. I was too busy, or I had something going on with my dad, or I was tired. I don’t know. I felt like something had broken inside me that night. I didn’t blame Danny. You can’t make a heart love somebody.

I had relived that night a thousand times in my head. What if I’d said yes? What if I’d had sex with Danny? Would that have changed things? Would he have seen how much I loved him if I’d have given myself to him that way? Maybe that was why he’d managed to stay with Lydia so long? I had that conversation seared into my skull as well, the day he’d told me how Lydia had made a man out of him.

“I didn’t fuck her as much as she fucked me, dude,” Danny had said. “It was incredible. She put me on my back and rode me like…”

That was about all I’d heard of the conversation, even though he’d gone into quite a lot of detail about her tits and stuff. All I felt was cold, like I was taking a shower in ice. Every minute of the conversation just hurt me all the more. I was dying inside the longer he went on. The happier he was with her, the more miserable I became.

“Did you use a condom?” was the only question I asked him.

“Of course! I don’t want any little Danny Juniors running around.”

Not going to lie, I really hated Lydia after that. Kayla had just been a fling. Britney was a friend of mine. But Lydia… I just couldn’t stand her. Was I jealous? Yeah, I was. The first time I heard somebody say I was a green-eyed monster when I was little, I thought they were just picking on my eye color. Now I understood what they meant. I tried not to let it show, but I don’t have the best poker face. She knew I didn’t like her, but more importantly Danny knew I didn’t like her.

“Are you going to hate every girlfriend I have?” he asked me.

“I don’t hate her,” I lied.

“Sure you don’t,” Danny replied. “You just don’t get it, Jacob.”

Anyway, there we were at Danny’s birthday party on that early February weekend. Lydia was at his side constantly. I noticed her hand on his ass. I wanted to stab her in the face. I knew what that ass felt like in my hands. I couldn’t get the memory of how it felt out of my head. Mrs. Rossi started passing out cake and ice cream on little plates with plastic forks. Ryan Crawford sat next to me.

“So…” he said between bites of cake. “What’s up with you and Rossi?”

“Nothing, we’re fine,” I said.

“Okay, what’s up with you and Lydia then?”

“I think she’s fine too,” I said.

“Mmm hmm,” Ryan said. “Then why does it look like you want to jam that fork in her eye?”

“I… Why are you even here? You’re not even friends with Danny.”

“Your guess is as good as mine. I wasn’t going to pass up a chance to have free cake and ice cream though. All I know is that he asked me personally to come today. Told me you’d be here. I think he’s trying to ship us.”

I was only half listening to him. I was too busy watching the lovebirds and trying not to throw up. “Look at the way she just clings all over him,” I said. “It’s sickening.”

“You’re such a Stan,” Ryan laughed.

“No I’m not!” I protested.

“Yes you are. What are you worried about anyway? It won’t last,” he said. “Even if they make it to summer, she’s going to Edinboro for college. That’s three hours away. Once he can’t get her pussy he’ll move on. Long distance relationships don’t last when all you’re interested in is sex.”

“So you think their relationship is just about sex?”

“You don’t?”

I looked at the two of them, now feeding each other little pieces of cake. I think I threw up in my mouth.

“Which one are you jealous of, him or her?”

“What?”

“I said…”

“I heard what you said. Why would you ask that is what I mean.”

“I don’t know. Seems to me you’re more jealous of her than him.”

“Ry…”

Ryan leaned closer to me. “I’d rather be her…”

I looked at him. “Okay, quit fucking around,” I laughed. Ryan didn’t laugh though. “You… You are joking, right?” I asked.

“Yeah, I’m just fucking around,” Ryan said. He finished his cake and quietly slipped away. I didn’t see him again at the party after that. He missed the presents. He missed Danny getting a set of keys for the new car that had been parked outside for him.

When mom came, she spent some time chatting with Mrs. Rossi. The party had dwindled down to me, Danny, and Lydia by that point, so I had no choice but to sit there and try to make conversation with them.

“I hear you’re going to Edinboro,” I said to Lydia. God, she had her hand resting on Danny’s thigh. I wished I’d kept my plastic fork so I could stab her stupid little hand.

“That’s right.”

“You should transfer to Cal U. Then you wouldn’t have to be so far away,” Danny said.

“Cal U stinks though,” she replied.

“Weren’t you thinking about Cal U?” I asked Danny.

“I… Well… It was a possibility,” Danny sputtered.

“I thought you were thinking about Slippery Rock,” Lydia said.

“Daniel has a hard time deciding what he wants sometimes,” I said.

Danny looked at me. He knew what I was doing. “Yeah, but sometimes even when I decide what I want some people can’t take the hint and let me be happy.”

“Maybe that’s because you send out mixed signals and people think you really want something and then you decide you want something else.”

“Or maybe some people turn into jealous little bitches who can’t stand to see me happy!”

Lydia just looked at us. “Why do I get the feeling this just went someplace weird?”

“You want to go to the hot tub after Jacob leaves?” Danny said, glaring at me.

Before we could go any further, mom called for me to leave. On the way home, my phone buzzed. It was a text from Danny. I sighed.

“GFY, Jake. I tried to reach out to you and still be your friend. I even asked Ryan to come today so you could have someone to hang out with. You’ve been acting like a whiny little brat for months now. I’m sick of it. Grow the fuck up!”

I didn’t reply. I just slipped my phone back in my pocket.

“Everything okay?” mom asked.

“Everything’s fine,” I replied.

I pulled my phone back out and texted Danny. “Whatever. Enjoy your hot tub.”

My phone buzzed instantly. I checked it.

“The recipient you are sending to has chosen not to receive messages.”

“He blocked me!” I snapped.

“Who blocked you?” mom asked, quite confused.

“Nothing… Nobody…” I replied.

“Jake, you’ve been friends with Danny forever. Let him have his fun with his girlfriend without being a green-eyed monster about it.”

“There it is again, ‘green eyed monster.’ I find the phrase offensive.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Yes I do. And I’m not jealous of him. Let him have his stupid girlfriend and his new car. I don’t care.”

“I didn’t say you were of him,” mom replied.

“Oh, I get it. You think I’m jealous of her because my supposed best friend spends all his time with her now instead of me.”

“Well before that it was Britney. And before that was Kayla. I’m seeing a pattern there.”

“So I like spending time with my best friend and when he gets a girlfriend he doesn’t give me the time of day. Are you saying I should be happy about that?”

“No. But I know for a fact he’s invited you over and you’ve said no.”

“You going to buy me a new car when my birthday comes around?” I asked, trying to change the subject.

“Your father runs a car dealership. Let him give you a car.”

“A used car dealership,” I replied. “I don’t want a dad car.”

“My parents didn’t buy me a car. I had to borrow theirs.”

“Ugh… I’d rather drive a dad car.”

“You could always ride with Danny.”

“Oh please. I have other things to do besides listen to him talk about Lydia’s tits.” I snapped.

“Is that what he does?” mom asked.

“All the time,” I replied. “It’s annoying. ‘Oh, her tits are sooo great! I just love sucking on ‘em while I’m doing her!’”

“I wasn’t aware he had gone that far with his girlfriend.”

“That’s not even the beginning. You think Mrs. Rossi knows?” I asked.

“Oh no no no. Don’t you even think about it.”

“What?” I asked.

“You’re thinking about telling Amy so she’ll make Danny stop seeing Lydia.”

“That would be a shame,” I said.

“Don’t you do it, Jacob. You’ll destroy your friendship with Danny.”

“What friendship? Besides, he doesn’t have to know it was me.”

“Jacob Michael…”

“Relax mom. What are you so worried about it for? I wouldn’t actually do it.”

“I don’t want to see you ruin your friendship over jealousy.”

“I’m not the one doing the blocking,” I said, holding up my phone which buzzed in my hand. I hurried to check it in case it was Danny texting to apologize for blocking me, but it was just Ryan.

“Sorry I had to leave you hanging,” he texted. “My mom texted to say I had to leave. Sorry if you thought I flaked out on you.”

“Nah, we’re cool,” I quickly replied. Then I texted him some more. “Danny canceled me. Can you believe that guy?”

“He’s just salty.” We were almost home when Ryan texted me again. “I think Lydia’s a skank myself.”

I laughed.

“What’s so funny over there?” mom asked.

“Just Ryan trying to cheer me up,” I said.

“The Crawford boy?” mom asked.

“Yeah.”

“He’s a nice boy. I know his mother from the PTO. I didn’t realize you two were friends.”

“I have lots of friends,” I said.

“Why don’t I ever see them?” mom asked.

I just held my phone up for her to see.

“All you use that thing for is to text,” mom said.

“That’s not true. I also Snap and play Minecraft on it,” I informed her.

“You literally have the world’s information in your hands and you use it to send silly little messages to your friends and play with Lego people.”

I texted Ryan. “You Minecraft?”

He texted back, “Yeet.”

I smiled. Ryan was such a dork. When we got home I went to my room and connected with him on Minecraft and we played around for a while. We played on our computers and used Snapchat to talk to each other. Mom came into my room to check on us.

“You know, you could be learning a new language, or finding a cure for cancer… But instead…” mom peeked over my shoulder. “You’re playing with little Lego men.”

“M.O.S.” I said aloud into my headset microphone, totally confusing mom, which was the point, of course.

“What does that mean? Why did you say that?”

“Mom over shoulder,” I informed her. “You know, just in case Ryan has his pants off or something.”

“You’re playing with Ryan right now?” she asked.

“Sure, there he is if you want to see him,” I said, pointing to my phone. She looked into the screen. I unplugged my head phones so she could hear him.

“Hi Mrs. Finnegan!” Ryan said, waving at her from the screen. “I’ll try to keep my pants on,” he laughed.

“I… I’m just going to go make dinner,” mom said, shaking her head.” I plugged my headset back into my phone.

“She gone?” Ryan asked.

“Yeah,” I replied.

“Should I take my pants off then?” he laughed.

We laughed.

“Hey, if you have to let things breathe, be my guest.”

We continued our game. It was fun talking to Ryan. Everything felt effortless. I didn’t feel like I had to think about what I could say to him, like I could just be myself and he actually liked me that way. He was really nice. It sucked that we were in separate grades, even though I was only a month older than him. I wished I had been born six hours later sometimes.

We had to quit when mom called me for dinner, and she made me turn my phone off when she found out I was still texting him with my phone under the table. After dinner, I turned my phone back on, but Ryan had texted that he was going out with his dad for the evening. Ryan’s parents were divorced too, but they had joint custody and his parents actually got along better since the divorce than they did when they were together.

As I was settling into my bed for sleep, my phone buzzed again. I grabbed it quickly, hoping it was Danny or Ryan. But it wasn’t. I didn’t recognize the number.

“Can you talk for a minute?”

“Sure,” I replied. “Who is this?”

“It’s Lydia.”

“Oh! Sure, I have time,” I replied.

“I’m worried about Danny,” she texted. “He’s been more and more frustrated that you’re shutting him out.”

“Wait, he thinks I’m shutting him out?”

“He says he tries to reach out to you but you keep turning him down.”

“He blocked me!” I protested.

“Only after this afternoon. He was really hurt by the way you treated him.”

“Whatever,” I replied.

“I just don’t understand why you’re so angry with him.”

“He knows what he did,” I replied.

“No he doesn’t! That’s why he’s so frustrated with you.”

I wanted so bad to type “Why don’t you ask him about the hot tub?” but I didn’t. I thought for a minute. I wasn’t sure what to say. Finally, I replied.

“He started it,” I typed.

“Real mature response,” she replied. After a minute or so she sent another one. “You’re just going to have to accept the fact that he’s my boyfriend, not yours.”

Now that hurt. I felt my face get hot as I glared at those words.

“GFY,” I replied. Then I blocked the bitch.

I tried to sleep but I couldn’t. I tossed and turned until about eleven o’clock when my phone started buzzing. It wasn’t a text, Danny was calling me. I answered.

“Hey…”

“You’re a real piece of work, asshole!”

“Danny…”

“I’ve been nothing but nice to you! Look, I’m sorry you fell in love with me, but I warned you and warned you that I didn’t feel the same way! Stop acting like a jealous little bitch! I like girls, not you! I love Lydia!”

“Then why did you want to fuck me?” I asked.

“You said it, we were both caught up in the moment! I wish I hadn’t said it. It didn’t mean anything!”

“Does it mean anything when you fuck Lydia?”

“Yes! Get that through your fucking head! I love her!

“It meant something to me! Did you even once consider my feelings when you were doing all that stuff to me, or did you just want to get off?”

“Both! It was both, Jacob! I wanted to get off, but I also cared about your fucking feelings! I’ve always cared! I tried to tell you but you just wouldn’t listen!”

“So it’s my fault you’re an asshole?”

“How am I the asshole in this situation? I’ve been honest with you! Yes, I think you’re attractive. I enjoyed everything we did. But it’s not what I want for my life. I told you I wanted something else. I don’t blame you for your feelings, but I do blame you for the way you’ve acted on them. You were my best friend before all this. Now, I don’t even feel like I know you anymore!”

“That’s fine! Enjoy your stupid girlfriend then. And when she goes off to college don’t come crying to me when she dumps you for some college guy!”

“You don’t think I know how it will end? I know she’ll move on when she graduates. It doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy it while it lasts. I’m not looking for a long term relationship with her either, Jake!”

“So you’re just using her like you used me.”

“No! God it’s like talking to a brick wall! People come and go in your life, Jake. I would think you of all people would understand that! Especially with the way your parents broke up.”

“Don’t bring my parents into this.”

“Why not? I think they’re half the reason you’re so fucked up and you can’t let things go. You’re afraid everyone you love is going to abandon you! Well I’m not going to do that, Jacob! I swear!”

“I said shut up about my parents!”

“I was there for you through that whole thing, Jake. I saw what it did to you. I cried with you, held your hand, supported you every step of the way. I was there in you when no one else was. And now you can’t let me go and be happy with someone else because you’re afraid I’ll move on and forget you. But I swear to you that I won’t.”

I started to cry. I hated that I started to cry. I brushed the tears away and tried to make my voice not crack, but I failed.

“I…” Yeah, that was as much as I got out. I bawled. It was like every fear from that time, every moment of comfort Danny gave me, every reassuring word that it was going to be okay when I thought my world was ending, every emotion I’d buried so that I could be strong… It all came back. I was back in the storm again, being carried away by the waters of fear and anger, terrified that my life was never going to be the same again, with Danny as my only shelter in the storm. My rock. It was a good three minutes or so before I could finally speak again.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“It’s okay,” he said.

“I’ve been such an ass,” I sobbed.

“Yeah you have been,” he said. “But I’m still here. I wish I were there to hug you. That was when I started sleeping with my arm around you when you’d stay over. I just wanted you to feel safe when you were with me. I hope you still do, no matter what.”

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“You can stop saying that,” Danny replied.

“No. I can’t believe how stupid I’ve been acting. I’ve been a jealous dickhead and you didn’t deserve it.”

“Well, maybe I deserved a little of it. I know I tend to fall all over myself for a girl. You forgive me too, okay?”

“Always,” I replied.

“We cool again?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I replied.

“Awesome! So tell me how it went with Ryan…”