The Ascended - 2. Chapter 2

That's what I've forgotten, something about AIDEN! I just can't remember… I'll just have to hope my last moments alive will eventually return to me because I just KNOW it's something important.

The detention didn't remain on my past self's mind for long as we both noticed that there was a new student standing at the front of the class. He was absolutely gorgeous! Of course, I knew who he was, but the consciousness of my past self was practically drooling. The other me didn't know what it was… but he needed him… I needed him. Even now, after having felt it once, it still doesn't make it any easier to understand this feeling; maybe it was love or maybe just teenage lust and infatuation. It was truly mesmerizing to repeat the moment again and to experience my past consciousness meeting our boyfriend for the first time again. His short blond hair constantly fell into his eyes, those bright blue eyes. It seemed so easy to just sit back and lose myself in them forever. It felt like he could see right into my soul whenever I caught his gaze. It wasn't intimidating; it was like a sensual connection. I loved it. He also had the most adorably bashful grin that just melted my heart. All my past self was thinking was, "HE BETTER BE GAY!"

Good thing he didn't have to stand too close to our English teacher though, because good old dragon breath could knock you out in one foul swoop with that breath of his. The pack of cigarettes Mr. Smart went through most days probably didn't help. The health classes he taught were a bit of a joke when he would go on about how they are 'coffin nails', 'cancer sticks' and a variety of other clever names he'd supposedly come up with on the spot. In reality, he had spent the last 10 minutes trying to think them up to impress a bunch of teenagers. He was your average, balding, middle-aged man in his late 40's, who wore a white turtleneck with grey old-man trousers that screamed out for a permanent vacation in the nearest rubbish bin. I tell you this so you can understand the contrast between how beautiful this boy was in comparison to our teacher. It was like looking at Beauty and the Beast. My past self was almost insulted that he had to stand next to him and I WAS insulted that he had to stand next to him.
There really was no 'almost' about it.

“...be sure to help Aiden out, as you all know how hard it is to start at a new school... alright, go take a seat Aiden.” So his name's Aiden. Even his name is sexy! Wait, was that my thought or my past self's? It's really getting hard to tell anymore. "Oh… AIDEN! AIDEN!” …Right and now he's fantasizing about moaning the new guy's name. I, or rather WE, can be such weirdo's sometimes. I could feel the other consciousness hoping and praying that he comes and sits next to us. It's weird really, because I knew that he would, and I still had to sit back and feel anxious over what would inevitably be the result my past self wanted. Aiden walked towards the empty seat next to me and sat down while giving me that million dollar smile of his that made us both want him. For once, my past self and I had mutual feelings. Believe me; I didn't think either of us could POSSIBLY want him any more at this point.

My past self was still kind of skeptical because I wasn't a huge believer in love at first sight, but here, today, this is what changed my mind. As the lesson continued, I couldn't stop looking at him. Whenever I tried to look away I could only stay looking at the front for about a minute before I was back to looking at that stunning face of his. My other half was obviously doing it on autopilot, but I doubt even he has much control over it. Aiden kept looking back at us from the front as well; he kept catching us in the act. This lasted for about half the lesson and we got away with it until finally my teacher noticed and tried to catch us out.

"Ian, what relationships do you think highlight the theme of appearances versus reality in Much Ado About Nothing?" he asked with a smirk, knowing he had caught me completely off guard. I know teachers say they don't get a kick out of this sort of thing, BUT SERIOUSLY, he MUST get some kind of a thrill out of tormenting us. Why else would he do it?

"Umm…" My past self stuttered with a combination of embarrassment over being caught off guard, as well as the fear of looking stupid in front of Aiden. "…err...well I guess one relationship would be the one between Claudio and Hero, which highlights the theme because they are infatuated with each other and it's just based on appearance. It contrasts with Beatrice and Benedick's relationship because they love everything about each other, apposed to a relationship born of infatuation." It was so strange to be talking about something, to stutter or to be afraid and having no control whatsoever. The past me was pretty pleased with himself, but what did he expect? English is his best class. At the time, after saying it, my past self couldn't help but think the topic was kind of relevant to how he felt about Aiden. He wondered if he was infatuated with him… or if he loved him for who he is. I still agree with what I was thinking back then; perfection is the only word that truly does him justice, the only way to describe his true majestic beauty. Aiden's slim but muscular form wasn't intimidating, but alluring to all my senses. He possessed supreme and dominant masculinity, complimented with a full golden tan that radiated and emphasized his outward perfection. GAH! I have to stop my past self's thoughts from overriding my own. It can't be safe to immerse myself too far into my past consciousness. That's when the fluttering butterfly like sensation in my stomach started; it was driving me absolutely crazy! Who would have thought these feelings could get even more intense?!? My past self's mind was just FLYING with so many different thoughts and hopes of Aiden and him being MEANT for one another.

"A nice answer," he said finally, "not perfect, but good enough." Right…you couldn't just say I had answered the question perfectly, could you? I suppose in many ways I'm a bit biased because I've never liked teachers, especially this one. In that respect, what student does like his teachers? I'm NEVER going to forgive a certain other teacher after what was done to me. I was just a kid. How could any adult that cares about children want to harm them or spoil their personal wellbeing in any manner? It had added so much weight to my shoulders, so much emotional baggage that seems to cloud my head even further, until I can't think of anything but the bad times. It's like you don't want to remember what's bad. You want to forget all the heartache but it returns again and again. A small emotional dagger stabbing you all over until you're so emotionally worn out, you don't want to feel anything anymore, you start to panic and your breathing starts to increase, but the oxygen just doesn't seem to want to reach your lungs. Your own emotional struggle and panic suffocates you until your begging for release; you want to cry. Maybe someday I'll come to terms with all of my demons, but not today. Today I have to try and move on.

Anyway, as the day slowly progressed like any Monday, my past self found that Aiden was in a lot of my classes! Our heart practically skipped a beat every time we saw Aiden enter one of the same classes. It took a while, but eventually my past self got the courage to ask him to come to lunch. In many ways it was annoying to have to wait for something I knew that was inevitably going to happen. On the other hand, it was wonderful just to immerse myself in this feeling, it was true and utter bliss. The event I'd been waiting for finally happened and my past self got his chance as we both left the class at around the same time. "Umm… e-e-excuse… m-me," we stuttered while my past self's timid nature kept us from getting the message across. "I was… err… w-wondering if you want to come to lunch with me?"

He turned around and his eyes shone with an understanding look, "You're Ian, right? That would be cool man… I really don't know anyone yet and the whole 'new school' thing is kind of freaking me out." It was at this point that I no longer could tell the difference between my past self and me. His feelings and thoughts became my own and I just sat back and watched. OH MY GOSH! His voice… it's SOO cute! It was funny watching my past self struggle to place the accent, it was on the tip of his tongue, but he just couldn't remember… GAH! He's giving us a hard on just listening to him! Then again, he always had that effect on me. My past self silently adjusted us so that he wouldn't notice and we began to walk towards the cafeteria as he told us a bit about himself. My past self barely managed one word replies to start with… he was just… so… intoxicating to all senses. Back when this all happened I was usually shy, which is a bit of a problem. It's why I had hardly any friends. But somehow, Aiden slowly managing to coax me out of my protective shell. That's part of his appeal; he was so easy for me to talk with and to be with.

Hearing everything that Aiden has told me about himself was repetitive but it was still so nice to be with him and hear his voice again. I listened as he told my past self about how he's from Australia and how they moved because his parents got a divorce so it was only him and his mum that moved over. He was still upset about it, but I knew better than anyone that he would get over it eventually, at least to a certain degree. My past self tried his best not to pry, but we still managed to have a fulfilling discussion on both sides by the time the end of lunch came around. I was reminded of how much we really had in common. We liked the same movies; we played the same video games and listened to the same music. His favorite movie of all time is V for Vendetta, just like mine! As everything began to fade from around me, my consciousness detached and I watched from afar as my past self and Aiden walked away.

As the nothingness enveloped me again, the feeling of multitudes of time passing flowed through me, until finally my time in limbo was again at an end. I appeared once more in the same small, dark room that was being filled with light by a figure in front me. I'm still not sure whether it really qualified as a room because the walls and floor felt like an illusion, like we were imprisoned within an invisible barrier within the darkness. The barrier felt so thin, it was like the darkness was only just being held at bay and I knew that this room wasn't a permanent fixture in time and space. I'll just have to hope I'll be safe while my mysterious guide is still present.

"I have to say, I'm pretty impressed with your first attempt at memory immersion. The fact that you returned means you understand this first memory. You understand how much you have grown and matured since you were stuttering in front of the new pretty boy in school. There were times when you lacked control, but I can tell you learned from your first experience. However, do not think that you are perfect Ian. You still have so much to learn. You need to face your pain and your demons. Most importantly, you need to learn from them. Remember this well, perfection is often sought, but the truly wise understand that the imperfections around us make life what it is." After saying this, the figure stood silent, almost daring me to ask a question, almost like he KNEW I wanted to.

"Okay… I think I understand… at least kind of… but who are you exactly? I mean, before we did that whole memory thing, you spouted off a whole bunch of crap about what I'm doing here and I won't even PRETEND to understand any of it but can I at least know who you are because…"

"…because you feel like you know me. You can't quite put your finger on it but you are SURE of it, it's like looking at yourself in the mirror isn't it?"

"Yeah, it's beginning to creep me out, I can't even see any trace of you beneath your hood, it's like… it's like you’re not even there. It's also not helping me when you start finishing my sentences!" I said as I began to shiver slightly. This person, or rather, this presence, didn't feel human. It didn't even feel like there was anyone there, it's like fighting with your consciousness.

"I guess I need to explain another concept to you. As you know, enlightened beings have the POTENTIAL to live for all eternity in the vast recesses of space. These beings are an advanced form in a future human evolution that harnesses all the potential of the human organism. What I didn't tell you is that, although the potential is there, no one lives forever, not even as an enlightened being. During the ongoing battle to secure the universe, there are sacrifices. You see, the true genius of this 'new plan' that this once TRULY divine being came up with is that human's would never TRULY die. Once your enlightened body becomes unlivable, you are sent down back to earth as an infant, with none of your previous memories or experiences. They are, however, locked away as part of the collective enlightened consciousness as a form of a celestial being that one day can become part of the new incarnation in the chain. You are the LATEST link in that chain. I am simply a memory, a response that tells you what you need to know so that soon we can become one again."

"What? So you're me… so then the reason you said I was going to be powerful was because you personally knew…" I said, a little shocked at this unexpected outcome. "Why do you have to wear that robe and hood, can't you show yourself to me? After all, I am you."

"If I remove this cloak, your memories and essence will be forever lost to the collective, your existence will fade into the void, destroying all the information and memories we have accumulated. Your role in what is to come is essential. Everything has been building up to this moment in time."

"Can't you tell me ANYTHING about my past lives? How powerful am I? Why am I so special? Why do I matter…?" I mean come on, this gets more and more farfetched as we go on! He's acting like I'm some kind of Messiah. Next thing he's going to tell me is that "I'm going to restore balance to the force." I feel like I've walked into a new Star Wars movie. What a joke! I was sent here because people hated who I was; they didn't want me on earth, so they sure as hell aren't going to want a fag to be anyone important here either! That's when he started laughing hysterically. It was like he could read my mind. It was so unnerving and it sent a shiver down my spine.

"I understand your skepticism, but instead of restoring balance, someone of unimaginable good needs to put an end to all that's nasty and wrong in the universe. I specifically won't use the word 'evil' because evil is relative. On the topic of your past lives… that information will be available to you when you are ready for it and not before. That's how everything works here." He stopped for a minute to think about what he would say next before continuing. Maybe he was reading my mind again, I don't know. "Oh and yes, I can read your mind because I'm you. I can tell that you're feeling anxious. I can tell that you're trying to dig up recent memories but you just can't remember and I can also tell that you're worrying about your sexuality STILL even in death. The mere idea that you still care what people think is ludicrous but you have to learn that. Don't let the human-bred hatred for homosexuality get you down. No enlightened being will judge your choices, especially not yours. What you need to do now, however, is to choose three memories throughout your life. I chose the first one for you so you need to choose two more. May I suggest? One of great happiness and one of great sadness. The huge difference in opposite emotions triggers several unexplored regions in your new brain, which will truly set your transformation in motion. I warn you now, emotions are the key to an enlightened ones power. If you let them control you now or in the future, they will corrupt and destroy you."

Silence encircled us and I took the time to think about my two strongest memories in the two directions he suggested, happiest and saddest. The saddest moment in my life is when I watched my best friend die. It's one of the many reasons I have so few friends, I can't stand to lose anyone else. The thought of losing someone else is just plain agony. It's better to never care about someone than to have someone and then lose him. I would rather die a hundred deaths than let those around me suffer. Most people don't understand that it's easy to give your life for an idea you believe in, but to be left behind is the hardest part. Left all alone to feel the pain of being without the one you care so deeply about.

That one moment in time… it was entirely my fault… I should have done more…

"This is what I'm talking about! You have to try and control yourself. Otherwise, you may get trapped in your next memory forever! Concentrate and keep an open mind, deal with your grief but do not let your emotions cloud your judgment and understanding of the situation," he said with a sense of urgency that alerted me to how serious the situation was becoming. How could I possibly be as important as he thinks I am? I'm just Ian, for God's sake. I'm nothing special. All my life bad things have happened to me and those around me. I've barely had any friends and I'm not particularly clever. I guess I am kind of emotional sometimes; maybe that's why I have 'great potential'.

"Do you understand? Are you ready to venture on to your next memory? This memory is going to be a lot harder for you to deal with than the previous one, believe me, you need to let go and let the emotion flow out."

I think some of this information was beginning to set in and I began to understand that I was dead and this was the only way for me to move on. "Alright, I'm ready. What do I do?" I asked, a little surprised that it didn't simply happen like last time and a little apprehensive about visiting the moment again; I wanted to see my best friend again but… not like this, not like THIS!

"Firstly, CALM DOWN, then you need to concentrate deeply on your memory of the event and immerse yourself in it until you start to feel the shadows take you again. I can't do it like last time because this memory is far more volatile, and I can't risk our memories getting damaged because your subconscious is trying to protect you," he said firmly, again insisting that I be careful. Whatever was coming, I got the impression it was going to be far more challenging than the previous memory. So I sat down on the ground, which as I said, was more of a barrier than any kind of manmade surface. I folded my legs and tried my best to calm down to start with, taking deep breaths to try and sustain the calm that was slowly coming over me. This is when I started to delve deeply into the memory of that fateful day. I tried to picture clearly what occurred and tried to imagine I was back at school where so much heartache and sorrow still loomed. I know I will never be able to totally let go of it all.

I slowly felt the darkness surround me again. It was as unnerving as last time, but I wasn't afraid because I knew I could get through it. I just had to hope that it wouldn't consume me. Another incalculable amount of time passed as my consciousness left me and I was consumed by the ever-growing darkness. The figure, who I now knew as a past incarnation, disappeared from before me, along with the light that accompanied him. The sight of it, it was so symbolic, he was leaving me to deal with my demons… leaving me… all alone, to feel my pain and agony. Leaving me… in total isolation… screaming in the dark…